American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Lincoln Lover - full transcript

Stan doesn't realize until it's too late that he's befriended a group of gay Republican men.

Sub : Fogia

Transcript : Raceman

My first meeting of the Langley
Conservative Republicans.

Oh! I've dreamt of this day
for as long as I can remember

you telling me I've dreamt
of this day.

Plus tonight is very special.

They're going to announce
who gets to speak

at this year's Republican
National Convention.

The buzz is your old man's
a shoo-in.

Awesome, Dad!

You're the most abortion-hating,
stem-cell-research-opposing,



deficit-loving,
affirmative-action-despising,

Bible-thumping
xenophobe I know.

I've been waiting
my whole life for this.

And I can't think of anyone else
I'd rather share it with.

Stan!

Stan, I'm ready to go.

Stan?

Didn't we already go
through a security check?

Oh, they aren't checking
for weapons here.

They're checking for something
far more dangerous--

Gay.

Gay?

Some Republicans want to allow gays
to attend the convention this year.

The Langley Conservatives are determined
to keep them out and the party pure.



Luckily, there are ways
to identify them.

You're typical homosexual male
will be in great shape,

well-dressed, wearing sandals,
holding a brightly colored drink

and listening to Celine Dion.

- I own sandals.
- Yes, but you can't pull 'em off,

and that's how you spot your
typical homosexual female.

Check your fingernails for dirt.

A gay would have
checked for dirt this way.

What does ERA stand for?

Earned Run Average?

A gay would have said
"Equal Rights Amendment."

Clang, clang, clang.
Went the trolley!

No, I just like musicals!

So then it's cool
to alienate gays?

Yes, it is, son.

Gays are the new blacks.

Remember, Steve, these hellbound folk
have made a choice to be gay

and they won't rest until
everyone else is gay with them.

- How do they do that?
- They're insidious.

It starts with them asking
to borrow a wrench

and ends with you on a boat to Mykonos
wearing a pair of assless chaps.

Welcome, Langley Conservatives.

It's time to announce
who'll be speaking for us

at the Republican National Convention.

Throw this when
they announce my name.

I couldn't find confetti,
so I shredded a few napkins.

It shouldn't be so hard
to find confetti.

Nancy Calliope.

Thank you, Steve.

Thank you for making
my shame more festive.

Snubbed by the Langley Conservatives
after all I've done for them!

I mean, I'm the guy who suggested
a separate drink fridge.

There are two fridges
there now, Francine.

One that's just for drinks.

My cheeses from Lyon just arrived.

See, I've organized them
from mildest to boldest.

And in this direction
from youngest-

Bonjour, mon petit Camembert--

to most mature--

St. Real de Martineaux--

I am honored, sir.

Now, I've bound these small
leather journal

so we can record our impressions
as we go.

Cheese makes me feel better.

Can't have nice things!

I know what will
cheer you up, honey.

The community theater's putting
on a play about Abraham Lincoln.

Ah, Abe Lincoln...

the first Republican,

pure and perfect.

Clorox Bleach gets
your whites white!

Test-drive the new
Lincoln Continental.

The McRib...

is back!

Aren't we all just slaves?

That was an abomination!

Lincoln has been assassinated
in the theater twice.

Wow, that's nice, Steve.

The GOP has lost its way,
Francine,

and as a proud member,
it's up to me...

Really, Steve, very nice turn
of phrase back there.

...to help us
get back to our roots

for the future Republicans
of this country.

Francine, wake up!

What's wrong?!
Is one of the children dead?!

I know how I'm going to show Steve
what it means to be a true Republican.

By doing my own play
about Abraham Lincoln.

I'm going to write the play

from the point of view of one
of Lincoln's greatest admirers.

Did you know Abe had
a personal bodyguard

named Captain David Derickson?

They traveled together,
shared secrets, hopes, dreams.

See, I've set the play
during the winter of 1863.

That's when Abe and David
really grew close.

Hey, you two.

Don't forget our ***** on the third.

But, and we mean it,
don't bring a thing.

Especially not a chilled bottle
of Clos du Bois chardonnay.

You're so bad!

Isn't that right, Heath Ledger?
Isn't Papi bad?

Greg and Terry, handsome,
successful eligible bachelors.

We really should set them up
with some nice women.

- Hey, how about your sister?
- Uh...

I don't think so, Stan.

Yeah, you're right.
She's too hot.

God, is Gwen hot!

And slender. God!

And that dress she wore
at our wedding?

Oh, I have never seen her
more beautiful than on that day.

It's 2:00 a.m.

We're in Mr. Lincoln's bedroom.

He's invited me, his bodyguard,
David Derickson, to sleep over...

again.

I'm sorry Mary Todd takes so many
long trips, Mr. Lincoln.

Hmm?

Okay...

Abe.

This log cabin will represent
the strong roots

of the Republican Party
you founded, Mr. Lincoln.

God, you have such muscles.

I think "fourscore"
sounds better than "80."

More...

theatrical.

I was his bodyguard

and he was my everything.

Let me take you home, Abe...

one last time.

- You're an inspiration!
- I love you!

See, son? People are
desperate for a return

to good old-fashioned
conservative values.

Fantastic performance, Stan.
This is Brett and Jason.

We're members of the
Log Cabin Republicans.

Log Cabin?

Our group is based on the founding
principles Abe Lincoln stood for.

We're die-hard Republicans.

With dyed-to-match shoes.

I don't get it.

Our group is speaking
at the RNC this year,

and after seeing you as
Lincoln's "special friend,"

well, we think you encapsulate
what we're all about.

Would you consider
speaking on our behalf?

Me? Speaking at the RNC?

Why, it's a dream come true.

Excellent. We're having a mixer
at our headquarters later tonight.

You know, nothing fancy.

We just threw it together
at the last minute.

Mmm. Oh, my God.
What is this?

A Cuervo Cosmo-tinian.

I first had one on Fire Island.

A whole island made of fire?

How manly!

So, Stan, what do you think
of our humble organization?

Fantastic. Why didn't I know
about the Log Cabin Republicans before?

There you are.

Stan, I'd like you to
meet my partner, Tino.

Partner?
What, are you guys, cops?

Partners in a law firm?
Tennis partners,

golf partners,
synchronized swimmers?

You might say I'm Captain Derickson
to his Lincoln.

Celine Dion!

Gays!

They're everywhere!

I am a pilgrim
in an unholy land!

Greg, act casual.
Get your stuff and meet my outside.

- What? Why?
- There are gays here.

- Uh, Stan, I'm gay.
- What?!

Does Terry know?
Oh, poor, straight Terry!

Terry's gay, too.
He's my boyfriend.

I thought you knew. The Log Cabin
Republicans are a gay group!

A gay group?!

Oh, my God, you don't think...?
Look, I'm straight.

I mean, yes, Francine's bat cave grosses
me out every now and then, but...

We know you're not gay, Stan,

but we've always
maintained Lincoln was.

And the way you portrayed
him with his boyfriend...

Wait. You got "gay"
from Lincoln Lover?

You-you people
really grasp at straws.

Look, this is ridiculous.
How can you be gay and Republican?

Uh, these preconceived
notions about gay people.

It's time to dispel that stereotype...

through a lavish musical number.

Hit it, Joshua.

It's impossible, you say,
to be Republican and gay

But, baby, like Virginia Slims

We've come a long, long way

It once was thought
to be a fairy meant

Voting for Bill or Kerry,
but not today

We're red and we're gay

Jeff and Paul
like hot pectorals

And good old-fashioned
Christian morals. Hey-hey...

Hey, hey

We're red and we're gay

Our loafers are light

But we still votefor the right.
It's true we can't wed,

but we support the Fed

We like each other's butts
and big ol' spending cuts

We like to pack fudge and heat

Big long guns with ivory handles
go well with my scented candles,

yay, NRA ***

Let's take a spa day

Your skin looks so toned

Now spritz with fancy cologne.
These pants make you slim

U.S. defense we won't trim

Have a pastry or two,

we'll get a trainer for you

Have you met hot Andrew?

Eva Longoria is a client
and a close personal friend.

Oh, it's fun to do things our way

Don't take our word
ask Ernie, Bert or Manet

We're red and we're gay,
we're red and we're gay

We're red and we're gay.

We're red and we're gay.

We're red and we're gay...

We're red and we're gay!

My God...

Where did you get that confetti

But you told me we hate the gays.

That was A) before I knew they
came in Republican form,

and B) before they cut
and styled my hair.

How can you associate with them?

You said they're tearing apart
the fabric of this nation!

Steve, don't worry.
I'm just spending time with them

because they're letting me speak
at the convention.

So they're not gonna
turn you gay?

Of course not, kiddo.

Now I don't want to be late for
my first Log Cabin meeting.

Bye-zies.
I mean...

Bye-zies.

And we can make our love
work together

And we can make
our love work together...

Wow, front row Clay Aiken.
This is the best meeting ever!

Good night, guys. Oh, look
who stopped kissing. Have fun.

- Greg?
- Terry.

I-I thought you were
at bonsai topiary class.

Heath Ledger has a head cold,
that's why he's in a sweater...

You took a limo with Stan to do
a report on the new otters at the zoo?

Otters? We're coming from our
gay Republican meeting.

You're a... Republican?

- Honey, I can explain.
- Oh, you didn't know?

Uh, that's, that's funny.

Gay couples lie to each other
just like regular couples.

Well, bye.

All these years you've
been a Republican?

Listen, calm down.
We'll go inside and...

I am not calming down!
For God's sake,

Republicans are the people
who say we can't get married.

And right now I want to send them a big
"thank you" basket from the Body Factory.

Just three more days until
I get to speak at the RNC.

Sip.

Oh, my God, what is this, and how can
I replace my blood with it?

It's a Cuervo Cosmo-tinian.

Roger, are you crying?

Tears of joy, Stan,
tears of joy.

Stan, thank you for the beautiful roses
you left on my nightstand.

Oh, no, honey, they're not for you.
Those are ambient roses.

- They're a present for the bedroom.
- Oh...

That was...

nice of you.

I don't know what you've done,
Stan, but kudos.

No notes for you.

Hello, Dad.

Wow, that's a nice
manicure you have.

- Why thank you, Estaban.
- Aha!

I knew it!

The gays got to you
with their insidious ways.

I'm not gay.
I'm just enjoying the lifestyle.

Now don't squint your eyes,

- you'll get crow's-feet.
- There it is again!

This has gone way beyond you
speaking at the convention.

And I'm not going to let
them have you.

This isn't over.

Don't you tell me you voted
for he-who-shall-not-be-named.

Look, the war was inevitable.

- Freedom isn't free.
- Are you kidding me?!

Hi, I'm here for the Log Cabin
Republican sunset cruise.

Whoa, whoa, straight check.

Who is the only person to win an Oscar,
an Emmy and a Tony in the same year?

Uh...

The guy from Monk?

If you get on that boat
with those Republicans,

then it's open season
while you're gone.

Fine.

Mary Martin, Cathy Rigby,
Sandy Duncan, Mary Lou Retton.

Wow, all the Peter Pans,
and in order.

Brett, Brett, tell this guy I'm okay.

Tell him you can't have a
Log Cabin event without me.

You're not invited, Stan.

What? Why?

Because your son stopped by the office
today and dropped off this.

So, it's me and hatemonger Pat
Robertson. I met him at some party.

I was just walking through.

It was just a momentary
lapse of judgment.

My mind's a blank.

Not only are you not
invited on the cruise,

but you're clearly
not the kind of person

we want speaking for
us at the convention.

But I am. I've changed.

You got to believe me.

Well, Steve, they kicked me out.

They're not letting me speak at the RNC.

I saved your soul, Dad.

You can thank me when we're ducking
hunting with Strom Thurmond in heaven.

- You didn't belong with those people.
- You're right, son.

I love their world,
but I'm not one of them.

You can't live a gay lifestyle
without being gay.

Of course you can't.

Which is why I've decided
to have sex with a man.

You want to have
sex with a man?

Francine, that's the fourth time
you've said that.

What doesn't
make sense to you?

We're married. I'm your wife.

God, you can be so selfish.
I'm doing this for me.

This can't be happening.

- Steve...
- Stay away from me.

I don't want to catch your gay.

It's very simple. If I become gay,

the Log Cabin Republicans
will know I'm one of them.

They'll let me speak
at the RNC.

So I'm making this choice.

- But where does that leave me?
- In the best position of all...

with all the other women who can't
make it with a straight guy...

The role of the "hag."

Don't you want
to be my hag? Yes, you do.

I'm not that great at songs yet,

but once I poke a guy,
I'll be a regular Sondheim.

Terry, I heard you tell Greg
that it's open season

and you're the only gay guy
I know who's still in town

so I was hoping I could
take you to dinner

and, then afterwards,
have sex with you.

If my terminology is
correct, I'm a power top.

I'll get my jacket.

You know, I did some
research on the Internet

about the whole gay club scene.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find
any crystallized methamphetamines,

but maybe we can make do with some
Michelob Ultra and some diet pills.

Uh, yeah...

Why don't we just have
some wine instead.

- That should break the ice.
- You're the professional.

God, that was so tight.

That's what the kids say, right?

Tight as in good?

Your dancing was good,
it was tight.

Glad you liked it.

Well, I guess it's time to have sex.

I have to admit, I'm a little nervous.

Let's just start slow.

Mmm...

- What's wrong, Stan?
- It's weird.

I don't feel anything.
You must not be doing it right.

I've been doing it right
since J.V. football.

I don't get this.

I danced to Madonna,
I drank merlot,

how come I don't feel anything?

I hate to break it to you, Stan...

- But I think you're straight.
- What did you call me?!

I'm gay, damn it.
This is my choice.

I want to be gay.
I choose to be gay.

Either you are or you're not.
It's not a choice.

It's...

- It's not?
- No.

Huh, I always thought it was.

So why am I in bed with
you with my shirt off?

Because Greg is a bastard.

There, there.

Hey, I know what'll cheer you up.

I have a perfectly
good hag in my kitchen.

Want me to get her?

That would be great.

Good to have you back, Dad.

Apparently, this is where I belong.

Damn right.
Here they come.

Come on, let's keep
this convention pure.

Just like you taught me.

What is the meaning of this?
We are invited guests of the RNC.

You're invited guests of the devil.

Stan, Nancy Calliope has been kicked
out of The Langley Conservatives.

What? Why?

We just found out her
second car is a Prius.

- Terrorist!
- Stan...

Will you speak on our behalf?

And now, representing
the Langley Conservatives,

Stan Smith.

My fellow Republicans,

last night I kissed a man named Terry.

Greg, you were on break
at the time.

And I learned something...

We're wrong about gays.

I was wrong...

and I taught my boy wrong.

It turns out that being gay
is not a choice.

It's true. Believe me, I tried,
and it didn't work.

The Log Cabin delegates trying to get
in tonight didn't choose to be gay,

but they did choose
to be Republicans.

Even though, as Republicans,
we used bashing them

as the backbone of our last
presidential election,

they're still sticking with us.

By God, these people love America
as much as they love brunch.

You know what else is a choice?

Being a Democrat.

Democrats weren't born Democrats.

They chose to be Democrats.

I'm not telling you to stop hating.

I just want you to hate
where hate deserves.

Hating gays is hate we could be
using on the Democrats.

We shouldn't discriminate
against gays.

We should get more of them
to be Republicans.

They're supporting the economy
by buying high-end appliances

and teacup poodles.

Do you want manufacturers of super-tight
T-shirts to go out of business?

No!

Would you forsake Socrates,
Plato and Grandpa Walton?

No!

There's room for everyone.

We all belong in the GOP.

So come on, David Geffen,

get on board Nathan Lane,

come on, Johnny Depp...

Really? You would have thought
with the tiny glasses.

So come on, L.A. Sparks,

come on half the population
of Palm Springs.

Oh, who are we kidding, come on
all of Palm Springs.

Come on, Anne Heche, you
confused son of a bitch.

Come under the big tent.

The Grand Ol' Party
just got grander.

In the words of the Founding
Father of the Republican party,

Abraham Lincoln,

"A house divided against itself
cannot stand."

And that house, my friends,

will be resurfaced
with an aged-lime wash

and flipped for a profit.

Dad!

This doesn't make me
gay, does it, Dad?

Only if you get a boner, son.

Only if you get a boner.

Sub : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman