American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The American Dad After School Special - full transcript

Stan becomes so obsessed with his own physical appearance after his son starts dating a "fat chick" that he becomes anorexic.

good morning,usa!

I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day.

the sun in the sky has smile on his face

and he's shining a salute to the american race

oh,boy,it's swell to say good morning,usa

good morning,usa!

I think he went this way. Come on.

looks like smith weaseled out of gym class again,dad.

I told you,here at school you call me coach,dipwad.

where did those dogs come from?

you ditching gym class,too?



Today is... track.

I hate... running.

Then we're on the same page.

Welcome to my sanctuary.

Look at them... scurrying around like ants.

Go ahead,exercise all you want.

You'll never escape the smoky death
of time's magnifying glass.

Wow,that's a little dark.

Not at all.

Life is a banquet... and death is dessert.

I love dessert.

that's one impressive man.

Handsome,fit,the whole package.

and actually turn it on now?



I promised my mr.Belvedere chat group
I'd post a summary of this episode by 6:00.

Those losers are pretty punctual.

Good news,everyone.

I'm in love.

Tell us about her,sweetie.

Her name is debbie.

She smells like a glue stick,

she shares my interest in bug zappers

and she likes reading
old books by guys who died of syphis.

Syphilis? Ooh,la,la.

Great.Thanks to your gassing on,

I completely missed why
mr.Belvedere is stomping on his hat.

The internet is not going to be happy.

So what's this debbie's affiliation?

Varsity cheerleader or regular cheerleader?

Actually,she's more of an artist.

She played lady macbeth in
our school production of oklahoma.

Frankly,it was a mess,but our
drama teacher finally got sober,thank god.

So she's an actress. Attaboy.

My son is dating a hot actress.

I guess.But mostly I like her
because she's so unusual and fascinating.

Of course she's fascinating. She's gorgeous.

You know,I hear she's an actress.

And this girl actually
wants to spend time with you?

For your information,
she said she thinks I'm cute.

So she lies. Great.

That's how you know she doesn't have a penis.

We can't wait to meet her,steve.

You can say that again.

It'll be nice to have a
pretty girl around the house for a change.

I-I meant a pretty younger girl.

Don't get mad at me. It's called makeup.

Dad,I have a confession about debbie.

I haven't actually asked her out yet.

Oh,thank god.I thought you were
going to tell me she isn't a cheerleader.

The thing is,I really like debbie,
but I keep chickening out.

Steve,I'm going to motivate you the
same way the cia motivates its assassins.

You know,when they have trouble asking out a girl.

There.If you don't ask debbie out in 24 hours,

the collar will sense your stress level and blow up.

Blow up?!

oops,accidentally set it for 24 minutes.

Oh,man,you better run.

Got to get to debbie's house.

oh,boy,the circus is coming to town.

And I'm gonna die!

Okay,according to my timex watch,
I still have five minutes left.

steve,what are you doing here?

oh... um....I...

I'm so glad you asked me out.

This is my favorite spot.

It's so romantic.

Why did he have to die?!

It sucks we put our dead in the earth
where we can't watch them decompose.

You know,putrefaction is
simply a community of necrophores

that engorge the carrion
with sulfur dioxide gas.

All this talk of death is making me cremate.

Mom,debbie's going to be here any minute.

Dinner's almost done.

I hope you like her,dad.

Of course I'll like her.

After all,she's your girlfriend.

One day she might even take the smith name.

What a wedding it will be.

Purple napkins,a make-your-own
crepe station and a touching speech

in which I reminisce about the time
I dropped you on your head as an infant.

And then someone in the crowd
yells out,"that explains a lot!"

And we all share a laugh.

Here she comes.

Where's debbie? Behind that fat girl?

00:05:16,900 --> 00:05:19,390
No,dad,that'S... is the
fat girl going to lead us to debbie?

No,that'S... she's carrying a purse.

She must have a map to debbie in her purse.

Dad,that's debbie.

To the panic room!

stan,you're being ridiculous.

We have a guest out there.

Please,francine,show some panic.

Our son is dating a fatty.

Dad,that's awful.

Plus-size women drive our economy

with their purchases of
garfield books and haagen-dazs.

You apologize to your son.

For what? You brought fat into our house.

You'd like debbie if you got to know her,dad.

There's a lot more to her than you think.

There's more of her?!

So what are we panicking about?
Is there another new pope?

Damn it,roger,lock the door.

Hello? Anyone home?

She smells people food.

Don't worry,she'll probably just
rummage around in the refrigerator

and then retreat back to her lair.

My stars! Who is that
enchanting rubenesque vision?

she's like a female mr.Belvedere.

I'm going after her.

I forbid you to see that girl.

You can't keep us apart.

Debbie!

How can you be so cruel?

Do you want your grandchildren to be
half fat,francine?Is that it?

Who are you to judge someone's weight?

Ja,your suit is stuffed tighter than,
um... some funny german word.

Sorry,I'm kind of running out of fish schtick.

Oh,and just like that,I'm back.

You people are crazy. I'm in great shape.

They're right,stan. You've let yourself go.

What are you talking about? That's impossible.

Good god,it's true.

I've become one of them.

ready for some pancakes,hayley?

- Thanks,mom.
- How about you,stan?

Not on my diet. Just some O.J.

where's steve? Still caught
in debbie's gravitational pull?

That's so unfair,dad.

Overweight people have it hard enough

being disgusting without
you making fun of them.

God,look at me. I'm hideous.

Stan,you've been working out
for three weeks. You look great.

Great as in great,big fatso.

You know,this is how it starts,francine.

First you go soft in the belly,
then you go soft in defense.

Next think you know,

you're wearing a towel on your head
and using your left hand for toilet paper.

Well,not in my america.

Hey,bro,I couldn't help noticing
you're kind of fat and pathetic.

And you're kind of perfect
and scrumptious. What's your point?

Name's zach. I'm a personal trainer.

I wear a trucker cap

and I can mold you into a dude
who won't send the ladies puking.

I'll do anything to look like you.

When can we start?

Don't waste time asking questions,
when you should be rockin' it.

Exercise is everywhere.

See those kids? Potential barbells.

Now rock me two-hundee.

shut up and help me count.

Here he comes.

Remember,we have to do whatever we can
to get him to eat as much as possible.

Whoa,zach really kicked
my ass at the gym today.

That was one exhausting workout.

oh,time for my workout.

Let's hear it for the boy
let's give the boy a hand,yeah

let's hear it for my baby
you know you got to understand...

you are freaking me out!Sit down and eat!

No can do. Somehow I've gotten even heavier.

Until these pounds start coming off,
I need to stick to the z-man's plan

stop it. You're not fat.

Now come on,I made your favorite pot roast.

Get that away from me.

Die,calories,die.

Let's hear it for my baby
let's hear it for the boy...

you sunk my battleship.
800 souls were lost.

Among them,lieutenant don sharp.

He made it through the bulkhead before it was closed.

At least... half of him did.

- God,you're tweaked.
- Take me.

oh,my debbie.

That should be me handling your folds
and squeezing your exquisite back fat.

But you don't know you're cheating
on me yet,so i forgive you.

1,001,1,002,1,003... whoa,there,jumpy.

I call you "jumpy" ironically
because you suck at jumping rope.

Just like I call fat people "tiny,"
so start over,jumpy tiny.

Z-man,how'd you find where I live?

Hey,you're my client.

Now let's rock it up a bump,chunky brewster.

What am I doing wrong?

No matter what I do,I keep gaining weight.

Dude,it's your family.

They're sabotaging you.

What are you talking about?

You said they were were all farked
at you for dissing you son's fat girlfrind.

They,they want me to get fat like
that girl so I'll apologize to steve.

Hells yeah!

Now drop and give me a thousand!

Oh,yeah,details published part of my letter.

Hurry,hurry. No,put it over here.

Come on.It's fine.
It's fine,mom.Just do it.Go.

Stan,you startled us.

What are you doing to my celery?

Nothing,we're just freezing our... tampons.

- What?
- It's a woman thing. Keeps 'em crisp.

Great in the summer.

More refreshing than a popsicle.

Liars! You're sabotaging
my veggies to keep me fat.

Dad,you're not fat.

Besides,how could we sabotage your veggies?

Oh,you're diet is making you paranoid,stan.

I'm watching you two.

That was close.

Hand me the syringe of lard.

This'll fatten him up.

This latest billion-dollar obstacle course

has been designed to push each of you to the limit.

You'll be climbing a net, slinking through tires

and most dangerous of all,climbing another net.

Of course,none of this should be
any problem for a fit agent.

oh,look,miss pinkerton fainted at the market
buying canned salmon for her puss-puss.

Get up,smith!

I have no choice but to suspend you
until you deal with you weight problem.

I hope all you blubber-loving judases are happy.

I just got suspended because I'm in such bad shape.

Well,maybe now you'll listen to us.

You've become a man obsessed.

We're all so worried about you.

We have grey's anatomy on season pass,yes?

yes.

I was just fine until you all decided to
teach me a lesson by scheming against me.

Now even my boss says I have a weight problem.

You do have a weight problem,
but it's not that you're too fat.

Dad,we've done some research
and we think you're anorexic.

What?

You keep thinking you're fat
no matter how skinny you get.

That's ridiculous. Look at me.

it's worse than we thought.

I know. I'm a huge tub of lard.

No,you aren't,you're just
suffering from a delusional state.

Delusional? I'm not delusional.

Tell 'em,zach.

Bro,don't listen to them.

Stan,there's no one there.
Who are you talking to?

Z-man,this is francine,
steve,my daughter haley.

I know,I know,but she won't wear makeup.

No! I don't have a weight problem!

You can't make me go in there!

You're sick and you need help.

And you're uncommonly strong.

So then I said,"what the hell?

I'm on vacation."
And I had a second tic-tac.

You can totally tell.

Look at her massive tic-tac thighs.

eating disorders are no
laughing matter,young lady.

Young lady?

Now,now,I know in high school in the showers

with the other girls you feel
uncomfortable with your body.

I'm not in high school!

When was the last time you menstruated?

I've never menstruated!

Hear that,girls?

Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up
your ovaries like tobacco in the sun

Now instead of starving yourselves,

let's discusshealthier ways to get
back at daddy like marrying a black dude

Living with an anorexic can be a real challenge.

How did this happen?

Well,when young girls like
your father get this disease,

it's usually the result of a jarring event.

Was he recently cut from the cheerleading squad?

- No...
- has there been a change at home?

A change at home?

Stan: You brought fat into our house!

I shouldn't be here,veronica.

Yeah,but your family will keep sending you
back until they think you're getting better.

But I don't want to eat!

I hate food!

Don't sweat it.

I've got a few tricks I can teach you.

That's been in there for days.

No,no,debbie,this breakup has nothing
to do with my dad at all.

It's just this is a really bad time for me.

The ghostbusters box set just came out.

What with that and the new doom being released.

I just don't think I can
give you the time you need.

Forget me,big beautiful creature!

the girl who loves to go to
the market is now back on it.

Soon,she'll be mine. Debbie!

oh! Whose foot is that?

Paddington bear,you randy bastard.

Stan,you're eating so well.

Let's just say I learned a lot
from my new friend veronica.

You just keep focusing on getting better,dad.

And you'll be glad to know debbie
won't be around to upset you anymore

What do you mean,steve?

We... went our separate ways!

it's good to see he's finally happy.

Well,I'm stuffed.

I'm going to take a walk and
digest this nutritious repast.

Thank you,veronica,you fat bitch.

good-bye,debbie.

I'm getting rid of everything
that reminds me of you

and sealing it in this
beautiful hope chest you made me.

How ya doing,dad?

Fat and healthy,son.

In a few weeks,I'll be a regular debbie.

steve,what's wrong?

What about the word "regular" set you off?

Here,have a little debbie.

what,now it's the word "little"?

You know what? Why don't I put on some
debbie gibson and we can talk about it?

I'm glad you're better,dad,but I miss debbie.

Oh,is that what this is about?

Look,you're better off.

In fact,I've got a hot friend
I want to set you up with.

I don't know,dad.

Come on.She's a cheerleader and a real one,

not one of those fat jobs whose mother
has to sue to get them on the team.

Okay,so we'll split,the olive.

You have the radish,I'll have
some of that decorative parsley

and we'll both suck on ice chips for dessert.

Great.I'm going to walk past
the stroganoff and sniff it a little.

What'd I tell you,huh?

Look at her. She's the picture of health.

thanks for letting me interview you
for the ann rice fan club newsletter

Oh,no problem. How did you get my number again?

Huh? Oh,from your high school principal.

Yeah,huge ann rice fan. Total mo.

Hi. Reservations for two under roget.

We don't take reservations.

Excellent.

Of all the buffets,steve's at this one?

Here we are,o lucky you.

You got a perfect view of the
busboy's station. Dinner and a show.

Thank you,sherry.

- My name is helen.
- Excellent.

what's happening?!

He never cleaned his plate.

He just moved the food!

He...just... moved...the food!

Why?Why?!

I like your face.

Oh,I thought we were here
so you could interview me.

I am,I am.

So question one: On a scale of
zero to lestat,how cute am I?

What?

Speaking of back rubs, you look like
you could use a rub-a-dub-dub.

It's okay.

I'm a licensed chiropractor or something.

Look,my boyfriend and I just broke up,

but I'm still kinda holding out hope
that we'll get back together.

Oh.

You know,why don't we switch seats,huh?

Chinese fire drill!

Ah,we're having fun. Hmm?

Oh,my god. That's my ex-boyfriend.

I can't believe he's moved on.

You know what would teach him a lesson?

If he saw me and you making out.

I don't know. He's not even looking.

Excellent.

Stan smith! We found your food graveyard!

Ooh!

You haven't been getting better at all.

What?!

I broke up with debbie

'cause I thought it would help you,
and you weren't even trying?!

Guys,I can explain. I was lying to you.

Debbie was the best thing
that ever happened to me.

And you drove her away because of your
stupid obsession with how people look.

I had a real connection with someone
for the first time in my life

and all you cared about was her appearance!

I don't care if she was fat or thin.

She was sweet and beautiful
and kind of freaky in a good way,

and I'm going to check every buffet
in town until I find her!

You don't have to,steve.

Debbie!

- You had me at lasagna.
- I never said lasagna.

Well,I was thinking about it.

I like you so much,steve.

I love your chunky lips.

No!

Uh,hi.Still waiting for breadsticks.
I asked,like,five times.

I don't know if this is your station.

They're so happy together.

Steve's right.

It's me that's been ugly... inside.

And outside.

Hand me those rolls.

Don't do it,bro. You're a fatty.

No!No!

Bro!Bro!Bro...

steve,whether you want to date a fatso,

a girl with hairy arms
or even one with kirsten dunst teeth,

it doesn't matter to me.
If you're happy,I'm happy.

Thanks,dad.

It's good to have you back,stan.

It's good to be back.

Haley,are you wearing makeup?

You look like a whore.