American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 16 - When a Stan Loves a Woman - full transcript

American Dad !

"When Stan Loves A Woman"

Subtitle : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman

Just a little bit farther
for your anniversary surprise.

Is it my own vineyard?
Oh, Francine, you knew!

I never said anything because
it sounded so fey.

It's a rose bush.

I planted it to commemorate the
first time we ever made love.

And though that moment
only lasted seconds,

this bush will last forever.

Look at that, honey.



A bunch of other people planted
rose bushes, just like you.

Oh, no, those are all mine.

Each one for a different
man I slept with.

- But you were my last.
- All of these?!

It's not that many.

This is the largest sex garden
in North America.

Rumor has it, within its
unexplored depths,

lives an Indian tribe who
have never seen a white man.

Hey now, friend, hold on.

What is that?

Cougar Boost Energy Drink.

I gotta cram for finals.

Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

I gotta write this down...



evolution is like IKEA for animals.

Your growling can intrigues me.

So take a sip.

"May lead to extreme extremeness."

I don't know.
I usually like to have my wits about me.

- Then don't have some.
- No, no, no...

I feel weird.

Something's...happening to my body.

I feel...

I feel...

Everybody dance now!

Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh

Take it somewhere else, spazz.

Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh

Give me the music, yeah!

Ticki, ticki,ticki, ticki...

Francine, it's no use.
It's not gonna happen tonight.

Don't worry, there are ways to treat it.

Meditation, Cialis, ginkgo biloba...

well, you know, for your memory,

because you forgot how to get a boner.

Hey, I'm not the problem,
you're the problem.

I've never slept with anyone
except you.

But you...

you have a sex garden that was
on the cover of Sex Garden magazine.

Oh, is that what this is about: my past?

Stan, that was just sex.

Sex without love is meaningless.

Francine, I'm listening to you talk,
I'm looking in your eyes,

but all I can see is you
taking more poundings

than Omaha Beach before
the ground assault began.

All right, that's it!

Can't a guy sit in a closet
and get drunk

with Francine's shoes
without being barraged by filth?

I don't need to know what
goes on in your bedroom!

Hey, Steve, it's Thursday night,

which means it's time to tease
some pedophiles on the Internet.

An insurance salesman in Ohio
wants to fly me to Disneyland!

Dude, what the hell did you do
to your computer?

Gotta find out how it works.

I know it's just electricity,
but it's gotta be physical.

I mean, it's not magic,
it's electricity.

Something's gotta be pushing things.

It's gotta be pushing things.
It's like a watch...

one lever moves the other. It's about
precision. It's about precision.

Things gotta be pushing other things.

Swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh!

You better lay off that Cougar Boost.

You better wake up and listen
to what you're sayin', Jack!

I'm scared.

I'm staying in here with you, belly.

Hi, honey.

Oh, Stan, I know we've
been kind of rocky lately,

so I decided to book us
a romantic getaway.

to Texas, where the President
says he's from.

What the fudge, Stan?

You've been avoiding me for a week.

Well, I can't change how I feel.

You making love to all those other men!

It wasn't making love.

It was sex: mechanical, degrading,
pulling-gravel-from-my-knees sex.

- It meant nothing.
- Liar!

You're just saying that
to make me feel better

because I've never had sex
with anyone else.

- Then go do it.
- Go do what?

Go sleep with another woman.

Then you'll see that sex with somebody
you don't love is no big deal.

Don't be ridiculous.
I can't cheat on you.

- You have my permission.
- But not God's permission.

I took sacred vows on our wedding day
and I don't take vows lightly.

Like when I saw an early screening
of The Sixth Sense,

and vowed to never tell anyone
the big twist at the end,

where it turns out that Haley Joel
Osment is Keyser Soze.

But Stan, we have to do something.

I'm sorry, Francine, there's no conceivable
way that we can get around this.

What am I doing in here?

What's this?

I figured out how you can sleep with another
woman without breaking your vows.

I'm divorcing you.

The thing is, I've been with so many men
that he couldn't perform in bed.

Heh! Couldn't rise to the occasion,
not even a little.

Then we started to drift apart,

so I divorced him until such a time
as Daddy can get some strange.

What you guys talking about?
You guys are divorced?!

Hayley, your mother insisted.

She's convinced that if I have
meaningless sex,

I'll conquer my insecurities and
then we can get married again.

You better go hit the singles bars.

Ooh! You should go to Tuggles
for ladies' night.

Crowd's a little older, but,
boy, do they love wang.

I have one of those!

This is insane.

Steve, don't just sit there,
say something.

Can I borrow some money?

I'm all out of Cougar Boost.

Steve, our parents are divorced.

Well, then give me money for that.

What do you care? I'm thirsty.

Did someone order a sexy
Persian wing man?

Let's go, I gotta keep moving

or these pants will cut off my
circulation and my legs will die.

Okay, here's my club persona.

I'm a Persian stud, name of Rashid.

I drive an M3 with
tricked-outground effects.

I live with my parents,
big house, no yard.

I sell X but I don't use it.

I'm gonna go take a lap, pounce
on the first ba-donk-a-donk I see.

Now I remember why I hate these places.

Crowded, loud...

but if Francine thinks this is
gonna save our marriage...

All right.
Target identified.

Let's bring on the charm.

- Hi, I'm...
- Intercourse!

- Excuse me?
- Intercourse.

I'm going to have intercourse with you!
I'm divorced! It's fine!

God, I guess I'm a little rusty;
need to ease into it a bit.

God, I guess I'm a little rusty.

Foreplay then intercourse!

Excuse me, miss,
can I talk to you for just a second?

No.

My daughter and I were
touring the Capitol,

and on the way home,
our car ran out of gas.

We need to get back to Concord
for my mom's funeral.

All I need is $40 for gas.
If you give me your address,

I promise I'll send it back to you.
I'm a Christian.

What are you talking about?
Get out of here.

Okay. God bless you, miss.

Get away from my bowl! Get a job!

Fought for this country...

So my buddy Maloosh
is producing some porn.

You guys should get involved,

they say it makes you feel
pretty good about yourself.

This was a stupid idea.
Let's get out of here.

Buddy, I'm not ready yet.

This is my boy, Behrooz.
He imports rugs.

Take the one on the end.

She's related to Judith Light,
won't shut up about it.

I'm just gonna go.

Oh, thank God.
That guy sucked so much.

I only invited him because our folks
had to escape Tehran together.

We left everything behind.
Our house, our cars, my little brother.

Oh my God, this is my song!
I totally asked him to play this!

You know, that's plagiarism.

I'm gonna call the Da Vinci family
when I get home.

You're gonna owe them so much money.

I don't even care.

You are one cool customer.

And that just pisses you off,
doesn't it?

- Yeah, it does...
- You wanna shoot me, don't you?

You have no idea.

- Well why don't you do it then?
- Think I won't?

- 'Cause I will.
- Good, I'll shoot you right back.

- I'm gonna do it.
- I'm cockin' my gun.

- One... safety's off.
- Two...

- mine was never on. Three!
- Three!

So how'd you know
I was wearing a vest?

I didn't!

But I have a rowboat, so it's no
big deal for me to dump stuff.

Did you know I was wearing a vest?

No, I was already composing your
suicide note when you stood up.

That's a good-lookin' Glock.

Your wife give you that Glock?

I'm recently divorced. You?

No, I'm married to my work.

Law enforcement? Mercenary?

No, the complete opposite.

- Couch upholsterer?
- Bingo.

- You run a bingo parlor?
- Yes.

Ahoy, fair masticators.

Behold, your fondue.

But please, wait 30 minutes
before eating,

for it is far too hot
for human consumption.

Hotter than the pair of speakers
I bought today off the back of a truck.

Hotter than three rats fornicating
in a wool sock.

Hotter than the burning flesh
of Shel Silverstein in hell.

I don't care how hot this cheese is.

I'm not waiting more than ten minutes.

I'm not waiting more than ten seconds.

I'm gonna put my hand
in the cheese right now.

I'm gonna take my contact lens out,

dip it in the cheese
and put it back in my eye.

- Do it then.
- Think I won't?

- I had a great time tonight.
- Me, too.

Thanks for picking up the tab
at the burn ward.

You'll get the next one.

There will be a next one, won't there?

You bet.

Hey, look at that smile.

- Somebody got a little nasty no-no!
- No, not yet.

Oh.

But I did meet someone.
Her name's Joanna.

We had the most magical evening.

We talked, shared some laughs,
had some gunplay...

Stan, you were supposed
to have sex with her.

I'm easing into it.

We have another date tomorrow.

- We're going on a picnic.
- Oh.

Should I call her?

No, you're right, I shouldn't call her.
I don't wanna seem desperate.

It's Joanna!

She doesn't play games!
What a gal!

I'm gonna take this upstairs.

Hey, you!

Nah, I fell, but it's totally cool.

Yeah, my game was pretty
tight last night.

I scored two tenderonis.
I don't know their names.

Anyway, madam, I wanna dispute some
of these charges on my cell phone bill.

I don't know anyone in Victorville.

Oh, oh, no, no,no, no, wait, wait.
Yeah, I do, I do. Sorry.

Frannie, bar whores.

- Bar whores, Frannie.
- Hi.

Oh, Roger,

Stan was supposed to have sex with her,

not fail in love.

This whole divorce thing was a bad idea.

I pushed him into this.

And now he's falling for another woman.

It's not too late.

Go to him and tell him
you made a mistake.

Salt.

Remember, love is patient, kind.

Love will rise again each morning,
like the sun.

Be ready for that dawn.

You're handing me the salt?

I want it on my eggs.
Shake it, shake it on my eggs.

Too much, it's ruined.
Get out, you disgust me.

Great girls.

I can make the ugly one cry like that.

Tickets to Battlestar Galactica On Ice?

These have been sold out for months!

- How did you get them?
- How does anybody anything?

Look, they're 20 bucks a pop.
You want 'em or not?

'Cause if you don't want 'em,
I got other people I can sell 'em to.

Bruce Willis wants 'em.
That girl who played Tank Girl.

What's her name?
Yeah, she wants 'em.

These look like they're handwritten.

That's it... tickets are off the table.

Hello, Bruce, have Rumor and Tallulah
meet me at Will Call.

Do something!

Okay, we want 'em, we want 'em!

Lori Petty is the man
who played Tank Girl.

Stan, where have you been?

I went to the park,
I left you messages...

My phone was turned off.
What's going on?

Have you...

slept with her yet?

- No.
- Thank God!

Look, I made a terrible mistake.

I'm sorry for pushing you
into this situation.

Whatever our issues are,

we'll work through them together.

I love you.

- What's wrong?
- I can't cheat on my wife.

I'm your wife.

I got remarried.

Francine, could you take
a picture of us?

You have to push the button
halfway to focus.

Well, you know, you bought it for me.

We weren't expecting to get married.

We were gonna play laser tag.

We love laser tag.
Don't we, husband?

I'm her husband.

I...

can't believe you got married.

Funny story. You like funny stories.
This is your type of humor, Francine.

We were walking on the beach...

Oh, a wedding.

Lots of guys are afraid of commitment.

I'm not. I'll commit to anything.

I'm on a six-year cell phone plan.

I have a 14-year gym membership.

I have a lifetime subscription to Ebony.

Checked the wrong box.
Not giving it up.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'll march over there
and get married right now.

You think I won't?

- I'm not scared.
- I'll marry the crap out of you.

Do you, Patrick, promise to...?

- So, do you...?
- Stan.

Stan, promise to...

Anyhoo, we're registered
at Williams-Sonoma.

She loves the finer things, this one.

- Honey, can I have my lipstick?
- Huh? Oh, sure.

What the ... is going on?!

- Joanna, could you give us, uh...?
- Sure, I'll bein the car.

Kids, give you new mom
a kiss good-bye.

Stan, this is ridiculous!

You have to end this right now!

I'm sorry, Francine.

I took sacred wedding vows today
and I don't take vows lightly.

Like when I saw an early
screening of Unbreakable

and vowed to never tell anyone
the big twist at the end

where it turns out Samuel Jackson
isn't black.

- But Stan!
- Look, I'm sorry, Francine.

I know this wasn't your plan.

If it means anything,

I'll always miss you.

Oh, I gotta go.

We have to check into
our suite at the Radisson.

We like to show upright at 5:30.

Punctuality is kind of our thing.

What the ... is going on?!

I'll take care of you, Mom!
I'm a wagon wheel!

I drove my husband into
the well-toned arms

of a more compatible woman!

Oh, honey, don't you worry.
Single life is great.

Yeah, guys take you out,
treat you special,

bring you to all the best places.

Let's roll, ho's.

You guys can have a kiss fight

to see who gets to eat the fruit
that touches my syrup at IHOP.

I'm not going to end up a worn-out ho
having breakfast for dinner

with an abusive Persian.

I've lived that life,

and Stan saved me from it.

I am getting him back,
if it's the last thing I do.

I'm gonna stop him before
he consummates the marriage.

I'm looking for someone, last name Smith.

Let's see, we have Smiths in room 313,

520 and 1611.

Would you like me to check
for any specific first name?

- No time!
- Are you sure?

They're right here
on my computer screen.

- I could just say them to you.
- No time!

Are you the hooker?

Ooh, sorry, wrong Smith.

Ready, husband?

Ready, wife.

Hands off my man!

It's for science!

That was all three Smiths.

I guess they're not here.

Is something wrong?

Hey, fellas,

what's, uh, going on?

We're your friends, Steve,

and you have a serious problem.

You're an addict!

Oh, my God!

This is an intervention!

I sold you fake tickets and still...

all you want to do is help me.

Yeah, we're gonna help you.

Help you pee blood!

Let's kill his parents next!

Let's kill them all!

- Would you like another?
- Why not?

I'm one of them now.

Can I borrow a quarter?

'Cause I want to call my mother

and tell her I just met the girl
I want to nail in the bathroom.

- Oh, God.
- You look tense.

Do... do-do-do-do...

Me in the bathroom...

Hey!

Get your damn hands off my fianc?e!

Stan, you're here!

But I checked the hotel
for all the Smiths.

Joanna and I traded rooms
with some bald guy.

Said the carpet in the honeymoon suite
was spooking his frog.

Don't know what it meant,
just took the upgrade.

- Where is she?
- I left her.

We were in bed.

I was gazing at her naked body but,

all I could think of was you.

You, Francine, I love you.

Oh, Stan,

I'm so sorry!

Now I know how you felt seeing
all those rose bushes

'cause the thought of you being with
someone else was driving me crazy!

But in my heart, I knew it.

I knew you wouldn't have sex with her!

Oh, no, I had sex with her.

What?

Yeah, she's my wife.
It was my honeymoon night.

Anyway, you were right.

Now I know what you meant
about it being just sex.

All those guys you slept with
before me meant nothing...

like the sex I just had with Joanna.

You...

had sex with her?

Five times!

I wanted to make sure it was
consistently meaningless.

And it was.

The scratch marks on my back will
forever be a tribute to my love for you.

Okay,

you're free to go.

Spread your legs and fly.

You are some of the best ho's
I've ever had.

It's true.

It's true. Look at me...

Look at me...

you are.

Daniela,

I was tougher on you than all the rest,
but that's because I believed in you.

And now look,

you have become...

one of the skankiest ho's

I have ever had the privilege
to throw out of a moving car.

Now go... go.

They're gonna be okay.

They're gonna be okay.

So your mother and I are remarried
and...

I think we're stronger for it.

- Aren't we, honey?
- Not really.

- I'm still pissed off.
- It's about the journey.

So where's all our stuff?

Oh, Joanna got half of everything
we own in the divorce.

She is one vindictive...

No, no, no. No...

I'm not going to be that guy
who's always bagging on his ex.

And Steve's where?

Joanna got joint custody of him.

We get him every other weekend.

So...

- Do you have a TV?
- No.

Subtitle : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman