American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Black Mystery Month - full transcript
While researching a paper about George Washington Carver in celebration of Black History Month, Steve uncovers a conspiracy that's been going on since the Civil War.
American Dad! S02E13
"Black Mystery Month"
.
Subtitles : Kemar
Transcript : Kemar, Bouliii
Resynch: N
How many of you sitting in this room,
have even seen a black person?
None of you!
The average white man thinks
about sex every 6 seconds,
but he only thinks about sex
with a black man, once a year!
I have no idea what he's
talking about but I feel terrible.
So the next time you privileged
suburban white boys
think Beethoven wasn't black,
maybe you should look in the mirror!
Yeah, uh, so...
Pick a black guy and do a report.
Hey, Steve, you wanna play that game
where you start with a tower of blocks
and one by one you take them out and
stack them on top until it collapses.
You mean Jenga?
Well, I think it's pronounced "Henga,"
but if you want to crap all over
the Spanish language, go ahead.
Sorry, I have to write a
Black History Month report,
I haven't pick the subject yet.
How about George Washington Carver?
- He invented peanut butter.
- Of course!
Peanut butter is my
favorite thing in the world!
If it were for Io,
the ice moon of Jupiter,
it will be my favorite thing in the
solar system! Great idea, Mom!
Oh, my goodness!
Did someone just take my advice?
I have something I've been
saving for just this occasion.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be celebrating in the bathtub.
- Why would anyone need you?
- Shut up, Klaus!
Hey, Hayley-kins. Want to play Jenga?
That game's kind of lame.
Unless you want to make it
a little more... interesting.
- Uh, no thanks.
- I thought you loved to gamble.
Oh, is that what that means?
I thought you were hitting on me.
No, sure, yeah, let's play.
Hey, lights out! It's past your bed time.
Dad, I'm too old for a bed time.
Steve, how many times have I told you,
if children get less
than 8 hours of sleep,
their boy glands emit a pleasant
berry scent that attracts pedophiles.
I'm not a kid, you don't have
to tell me lies anymore.
And I don't need this stupid
child proof lock on the internet.
Everytime I try to
access a site, I get this.
What kind of filthy are you
trying to look up anyway?
I'm doing a report on George Washington
Carver for Black History Month.
Carver? The peanut butter guy?
Come on, Steve, why don't you pick
an interesting black person, like
Dr. Daniel Williams, who performed the
first successful open heart surgery.
Or Tim Middles, the luckiest
man in show business.
Dad, I think I'm old enough
to decide who to do my report on.
I guess I'm gonna have to
start treating you like an adult.
Now, don't forget to brush your teeth
or gobelins will kill your mother.
Why do you need to go to a grocery store
to research this Carver guy?
To know the man, I must taste the man.
That's weird.
- Hand me a magnifying glass.
- Which one?
5X.
Look at the belt buckle on the
Robin Hood peanut butter label.
It's the same symbol as
the dot over the "I" in Jiffy.
It's even on Union Brand,
America's first peanut butter!
- Where?
- In President Peanut's monocle.
- That's just his eye!
- Look closer.
Curiouser and curiouser.
We've got to get to the
bottom of this mystery.
Count me out.
I gave up sleuthing when
the case of the missing bicorn
turned into a double rape homicide.
I need some more time for my
report on George Washington Carver.
Why? The brother
invented peanut butter.
Just stretch it over 5 pages
and hand it in.
It's deeper than that, sir.
Look, every jar of peanut butter
has this same symbol on it.
I think there might be
some kind of conspiracy.
That's ridiculous. Turn in your
paper or face the consequences.
I'm sorry, sir,
I'm going to follow this through.
Even if it means I have to talk to the
creepy librarian with the burned ear.
Yes?
I'm afraid we've got some
chocolate in our peanut butter.
Hello, are you the curator of
the Smithsonian Peanut Museum
in Washington D.C.?
- Who wants to know?
- Steve Smith.
I'm doing a report on
George Washington Carver.
And I have some questions about a weird
symbol I found on peanut butter jars.
- It's probably nothing, but...
- No! It's like a huge, huge thing!
It's time the truth came out.
Come see me at 3 o'clock.
And be careful, they're watching you.
Don't worry, I wasn't trying to kill you.
I'm just a drunk driver.
What's going on? I have an
appointment with the curator.
- The curator was murdered.
- Oh, my God!
- Someone killed him?
- Funny. I never said he was murdered.
Yes... yes, you did.
God, he's wedged into the mouth of a
giant bust of George Washington Carver!
That's classified. How do you know that?
Uh, I can see it from here.
Uh, okay. That checks out.
Why would the killer stick the curator
to the roof of the statue's mouth?
Like peanut butter.
You don't get it, kid.
He did it to himself.
He was stabbed and left for dead.
He managed to climb up there
right after he scrawled
a dying message in his own blood.
"In the elf condom."
What does it mean?
I'll tell you what it means.
It means we're looking for a
horny midget that plays it safe.
Come on, boys!
"In the elf condom."
Wait. That's an anagram
for "find the monocle."
My selective dyslexia
disorder finally pays off!
"Find the monocle."
Let's see. "Mono" means "one,"
And "cole" is a type of slaw.
We're looking for one slaw.
Oh! I can't think with
that clock ticking.
Oh! The symbol!
- This is the monocle!
- Hey!
- What are you doing in here?
- Nothing.
Sweet berries.
Hey, champ.
Got enough sleep last night?
Roger, it's been hours.
You gonna make a move or not?
I'm thinking.
Uh, you can't take it from the top.
I'm gonna need a minute.
Peanut butter.
Crunchy.
Creamy.
Creamy!
No, no, that means nothing.
Steve Smith, you need to come with us.
- Why?
- You won a free air conditioner.
Awesome.
Don't even think about running.
Sorry. Just me again.
Looks like I'm hitting
everything but rock bottom, huh?
Huh? I gotta go.
Let go of me!
Don't worry, they're just blanks.
Why did you do that?
'Cause that's the last fun
you're gonna have for a long time.
What are you talking about?
Why are these people chasing me?
You stumbled upon the most dangerous
secret in American history.
Now they want you to pay for it.
With your life.
Steve, keep it down.
I don't think we're supposed
to be on this roof.
Dad, what the hell is going on?
Look, you're in over your head.
Forget about your
report on Carver. Just...
do it on Will Smith.
Oh, wait, you need a black guy.
Dad, a museum curator was murdered
and his dying message led me to this.
- The monocle!
- You know what this is?
Steve, just give it to me.
This isn't child's play.
And I'm not a child.
Okay, Steve, you win.
We'll solve this thing together.
Bobby Brown! He's black.
Bobby Brown.
I did it.
Steve, this conspiracy dates
back to the Civil War.
This is what I know.
- Is that President Lincoln?
- Yes.
It was 1865.
The North's victory over
the South was imminent.
We can force emancipation
of the slaves upon the South.
But I fell those crackers will never
embrace the negro as their equal.
Speaking of crackers,
what is this delicious paste
about which I am snapping?
It tastes as if derived
of the nutted pea.
Don't eat that.
That's one of my wife's lunatic
concoctions for staving off evil spirits.
One day a man will walk on the moon.
His name: Army Neilstrong.
- This is delicious.
- What?
Upon my chain you surely do, Yank.
Gentlemen,
the solution to our problem
is spread before us.
Lincoln's plan was simple.
He would introduce this delicious
new spread to the South,
and credit its invention to a black man.
He was certain even the most bitter
confederate would embrace former slaves,
if one of them was responsable
for such a tasty treat.
Unfortunately, John Wilkes Booth,
who despised legume-based
racial harmony,
got wind of the plan and
made sure it died with Lincoln.
Without the salve of peanut butter,
the nation's wounds healed slowly.
It wasn't until 31 years later,
that the plan was resurrected
by our nation's greatest President.
Grover Cleveland.
Cleveland learned that
a young black botanist,
who had developed hundreds
of uses for peanuts.
Incredibly mashing them up and
eating them wasn't one of them.
But Cleveland constructed
an ingenious plan
allowing Carver to receive
credit for the invention.
George Washington Carver
didn't invent peanut butter!
That's right.
You're one of the few people outside of
the Illuminutty who knows this secret.
- The Illuminutty?
- That's who's chasing us.
A secret society dedicated to
concealing this truth at all costs.
- This is their mysterious symbol.
- The peanut in the pyramid!
Oh, yeah. I guess that is what it is.
After the civil war,
our nation was healed
by the belief that peanut butter
was invented by a black man.
The Illuminutty is convinced that
our country will descend into chaos,
if this lie is ever exposed.
- That's why they killed the curator!
- Okay, loud. Loud.
He said it was time the truth came out.
We have to tell everyone!
Yes.
But no one will believe us
unless we have the jar of proof.
A jar containing physical evidence
that Carver didn't invent peanut butter.
- Where is this jar?
- Only the curator knew.
The Illuminutty's been
looking for it for decades.
And when they find it,
they'll destroy it.
We've got to find it first,
so America will know the truth!
Well, we do have one
thing the Illuminutty doesn't.
A map I found years ago.
Unfortunately, it can only be read
with a special ocular device.
The monocle!
Yes, Steve, the monocle!
How does that feel?
It works, you can read the map!
Dad, it's not a map, it's a message.
"Find the cane that bore
Old Glory, 1730 M Street."
Old Glory?
- It must be a flagpole.
- Good work, Dad.
But why did we have to come
to a Burger King to read the map?
Because the economics of television
have changed, Steve.
Have it... your way!
Oh, my God.
You finally make your
first move and you lose.
- That's classic, I'm going to bed.
- Not so fast!
That was just my test model.
The real one still stands.
It's permitted.
I called Hasbro. They said it
violated the spirit of the game,
but not the actual rules.
Well, this is the address, but...
I don't see any flagpoles,
just an old strip club.
Well, no flagpoles in the VIP room.
It took you 45 minutes
to figure that out?
No, and it also didn't take me $300.
Dad, Old Glory wasn't a flag!
She was our nation's first stripper.
And that's the pole that bore her.
Look! The symbol!
We got to get that pole.
Uh, excuse me, ladies?
If anyone has left a toddler
locked in their car,
he, uh... he just found your stash.
- Oh, my God!
- My baby! - My meth!
I can't believe
you brought in an engineer.
- I can't believe you didn't.
- Okay.
Here's a list of 49 simple moves,
that won't compromise
the integrity of the strucutre.
Yeah, I don't really trust computers.
I'm just gonna go with my heart.
Then, why did you hire me?
Hire you?
Steve, are you sure about this?
Stop treating me like a little kid.
I was right about the pole, wasn't I?
It's working!
Soon the beam of light will show
us the exact location of the...
Steve, what have you done?!
You've ruined everything!
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm...
A genius. Look!
"Lastly, tip your hat
in the Garden of Eden."
- It's the last clue!
- Duh! Really?!
- Sorry, it's been a really long night.
- "The Garden of Eden."
I'm on it, Steve.
Yeah, I'm gonna need two tickets on
your next flight to the Garden of Eden.
"The Garden of Eden." The first Garden.
What do you mean you don't
fly to biblical allegories?
See, this is why you people
are going out the business.
I've got it!
The First National Garden!
But this is the only peanut plant
in this whole place.
- The hat has got to be in here.
- It's empty.
It's a dead end.
Fudge!
Wait, Steve.
Don't declare fudge just yet. Look.
The symbol!
And the pot is shaped like a hat!
It's the last piece of the puzzle!
Wait a minute.
Monocle, cane, hat...
All the clues are things
the President Peanut wears!
Great work, Steve.
All we need now is a 20-foot peanut
with presidential aspirations.
- To the Iowa caucuses!
- No, Dad.
What we need is a 20-foot President.
Of course!
Lincoln was the father
of the conspirancy.
The original President Peanut.
Well, here it goes.
Oh, God.
The jar of proof must be in there.
Hidden up Lincoln's proof shoot.
We did it, Dad. Soon the
whole world will know the truth.
Nothing can stop us now!
I'll go first.
Careful. These stairs will
be dangerous without a balust...
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad.
Dad.
Almost there, Dad.
Hey, look, funny pages from 1916.
Ooh, the Katzenjammer Kids.
Let's see.
They're putting their dad in a barrel
and rolling it down a steep hill.
And... now he's injured.
Wow. That's not funny.
I guess comedy has really evolved.
Thanks Harvard!
And that's where babies come from.
Look out, Dad!
I can't believe there's lava
under Washington, D.C.
Where do you think all
the hot air comes from?
Oh, my God, I see it. I'm going in.
Finally.
Okay, your turn.
Come on already!
Funny.
Dad, there it is!
The jar of proof.
Can't reach it...
Steve, I'll help you up.
Booby trap!
There's something inside.
It's the playbill from the night
Lincoln was assassinated.
It's got his blood.
And all the names he
considered for peanut butter.
Ya, ya, now hand it over.
Now the world can know the truth.
Right, Dad?
Yeah, sure. Gimme-gimme.
Finally the...
Wait, this isn't the jar of proof.
He switched them on me.
Steve?
You're one of them.
You don't care about the truth,
you're just gonna destroy it.
It's over, boy. Give me the jar.
- President Jimmy Carter?
- That's right.
The Second President Peanut.
I'm sorry, son.
When were you going to tell me
you were part of the Illuminutty?
Steve, that's crazy,
I was never going to tell you.
All this time, I thought I was
proving I was so grown-up.
But you just saw me as a stupid kid
you could use to find
your precious jar of proof.
Precious indeed.
Without this secret, our young nation
would have never survived.
Steve, if you are a grown-up, you'll
understand why we have to destroy it.
- The truth would tear this country apart.
- Maybe back then,
but America is a big boy now,
and so am I.
We can handle the truth.
Whatever it's about bed time
or black people.
Enough, give me the jar
and let's be done with it!
- Dad, don't do it!
- Trust me, son...
I'm doing the grown-up thing here.
And so, the safety of our nation
will forever be insured.
God bless Americ...
Let's get out of here!
Wow, Dad, you switched jars on him.
- That was so awesome!
- Well, I learned it from you.
- I guess maybe you are all grown-up.
- Thanks, Dad.
Now, come on!
We've got some proof to spread.
- Wait, that's the wrong jar!
- What?! That's impossible!
I thought you made the switch.
What happened?
I had to make the switch?
I thought it was like a
magic bagpack or something.
No. It wasn't.
Now, the world will
never know the truth.
If only there was a place where you
can make any outrageous claim you want,
with absolutely no proof and millions
of people would accept it as fact.
That's it!
Thanks for taking that
block of the internet, Dad.
Well, you're a young man now.
You ready for everything
the internet has to offer.
- Even porn.
- Wow, porn!
This is the best
Black History Month ever!
"Black Mystery Month"
.
Subtitles : Kemar
Transcript : Kemar, Bouliii
Resynch: N
How many of you sitting in this room,
have even seen a black person?
None of you!
The average white man thinks
about sex every 6 seconds,
but he only thinks about sex
with a black man, once a year!
I have no idea what he's
talking about but I feel terrible.
So the next time you privileged
suburban white boys
think Beethoven wasn't black,
maybe you should look in the mirror!
Yeah, uh, so...
Pick a black guy and do a report.
Hey, Steve, you wanna play that game
where you start with a tower of blocks
and one by one you take them out and
stack them on top until it collapses.
You mean Jenga?
Well, I think it's pronounced "Henga,"
but if you want to crap all over
the Spanish language, go ahead.
Sorry, I have to write a
Black History Month report,
I haven't pick the subject yet.
How about George Washington Carver?
- He invented peanut butter.
- Of course!
Peanut butter is my
favorite thing in the world!
If it were for Io,
the ice moon of Jupiter,
it will be my favorite thing in the
solar system! Great idea, Mom!
Oh, my goodness!
Did someone just take my advice?
I have something I've been
saving for just this occasion.
If anyone needs me,
I'll be celebrating in the bathtub.
- Why would anyone need you?
- Shut up, Klaus!
Hey, Hayley-kins. Want to play Jenga?
That game's kind of lame.
Unless you want to make it
a little more... interesting.
- Uh, no thanks.
- I thought you loved to gamble.
Oh, is that what that means?
I thought you were hitting on me.
No, sure, yeah, let's play.
Hey, lights out! It's past your bed time.
Dad, I'm too old for a bed time.
Steve, how many times have I told you,
if children get less
than 8 hours of sleep,
their boy glands emit a pleasant
berry scent that attracts pedophiles.
I'm not a kid, you don't have
to tell me lies anymore.
And I don't need this stupid
child proof lock on the internet.
Everytime I try to
access a site, I get this.
What kind of filthy are you
trying to look up anyway?
I'm doing a report on George Washington
Carver for Black History Month.
Carver? The peanut butter guy?
Come on, Steve, why don't you pick
an interesting black person, like
Dr. Daniel Williams, who performed the
first successful open heart surgery.
Or Tim Middles, the luckiest
man in show business.
Dad, I think I'm old enough
to decide who to do my report on.
I guess I'm gonna have to
start treating you like an adult.
Now, don't forget to brush your teeth
or gobelins will kill your mother.
Why do you need to go to a grocery store
to research this Carver guy?
To know the man, I must taste the man.
That's weird.
- Hand me a magnifying glass.
- Which one?
5X.
Look at the belt buckle on the
Robin Hood peanut butter label.
It's the same symbol as
the dot over the "I" in Jiffy.
It's even on Union Brand,
America's first peanut butter!
- Where?
- In President Peanut's monocle.
- That's just his eye!
- Look closer.
Curiouser and curiouser.
We've got to get to the
bottom of this mystery.
Count me out.
I gave up sleuthing when
the case of the missing bicorn
turned into a double rape homicide.
I need some more time for my
report on George Washington Carver.
Why? The brother
invented peanut butter.
Just stretch it over 5 pages
and hand it in.
It's deeper than that, sir.
Look, every jar of peanut butter
has this same symbol on it.
I think there might be
some kind of conspiracy.
That's ridiculous. Turn in your
paper or face the consequences.
I'm sorry, sir,
I'm going to follow this through.
Even if it means I have to talk to the
creepy librarian with the burned ear.
Yes?
I'm afraid we've got some
chocolate in our peanut butter.
Hello, are you the curator of
the Smithsonian Peanut Museum
in Washington D.C.?
- Who wants to know?
- Steve Smith.
I'm doing a report on
George Washington Carver.
And I have some questions about a weird
symbol I found on peanut butter jars.
- It's probably nothing, but...
- No! It's like a huge, huge thing!
It's time the truth came out.
Come see me at 3 o'clock.
And be careful, they're watching you.
Don't worry, I wasn't trying to kill you.
I'm just a drunk driver.
What's going on? I have an
appointment with the curator.
- The curator was murdered.
- Oh, my God!
- Someone killed him?
- Funny. I never said he was murdered.
Yes... yes, you did.
God, he's wedged into the mouth of a
giant bust of George Washington Carver!
That's classified. How do you know that?
Uh, I can see it from here.
Uh, okay. That checks out.
Why would the killer stick the curator
to the roof of the statue's mouth?
Like peanut butter.
You don't get it, kid.
He did it to himself.
He was stabbed and left for dead.
He managed to climb up there
right after he scrawled
a dying message in his own blood.
"In the elf condom."
What does it mean?
I'll tell you what it means.
It means we're looking for a
horny midget that plays it safe.
Come on, boys!
"In the elf condom."
Wait. That's an anagram
for "find the monocle."
My selective dyslexia
disorder finally pays off!
"Find the monocle."
Let's see. "Mono" means "one,"
And "cole" is a type of slaw.
We're looking for one slaw.
Oh! I can't think with
that clock ticking.
Oh! The symbol!
- This is the monocle!
- Hey!
- What are you doing in here?
- Nothing.
Sweet berries.
Hey, champ.
Got enough sleep last night?
Roger, it's been hours.
You gonna make a move or not?
I'm thinking.
Uh, you can't take it from the top.
I'm gonna need a minute.
Peanut butter.
Crunchy.
Creamy.
Creamy!
No, no, that means nothing.
Steve Smith, you need to come with us.
- Why?
- You won a free air conditioner.
Awesome.
Don't even think about running.
Sorry. Just me again.
Looks like I'm hitting
everything but rock bottom, huh?
Huh? I gotta go.
Let go of me!
Don't worry, they're just blanks.
Why did you do that?
'Cause that's the last fun
you're gonna have for a long time.
What are you talking about?
Why are these people chasing me?
You stumbled upon the most dangerous
secret in American history.
Now they want you to pay for it.
With your life.
Steve, keep it down.
I don't think we're supposed
to be on this roof.
Dad, what the hell is going on?
Look, you're in over your head.
Forget about your
report on Carver. Just...
do it on Will Smith.
Oh, wait, you need a black guy.
Dad, a museum curator was murdered
and his dying message led me to this.
- The monocle!
- You know what this is?
Steve, just give it to me.
This isn't child's play.
And I'm not a child.
Okay, Steve, you win.
We'll solve this thing together.
Bobby Brown! He's black.
Bobby Brown.
I did it.
Steve, this conspiracy dates
back to the Civil War.
This is what I know.
- Is that President Lincoln?
- Yes.
It was 1865.
The North's victory over
the South was imminent.
We can force emancipation
of the slaves upon the South.
But I fell those crackers will never
embrace the negro as their equal.
Speaking of crackers,
what is this delicious paste
about which I am snapping?
It tastes as if derived
of the nutted pea.
Don't eat that.
That's one of my wife's lunatic
concoctions for staving off evil spirits.
One day a man will walk on the moon.
His name: Army Neilstrong.
- This is delicious.
- What?
Upon my chain you surely do, Yank.
Gentlemen,
the solution to our problem
is spread before us.
Lincoln's plan was simple.
He would introduce this delicious
new spread to the South,
and credit its invention to a black man.
He was certain even the most bitter
confederate would embrace former slaves,
if one of them was responsable
for such a tasty treat.
Unfortunately, John Wilkes Booth,
who despised legume-based
racial harmony,
got wind of the plan and
made sure it died with Lincoln.
Without the salve of peanut butter,
the nation's wounds healed slowly.
It wasn't until 31 years later,
that the plan was resurrected
by our nation's greatest President.
Grover Cleveland.
Cleveland learned that
a young black botanist,
who had developed hundreds
of uses for peanuts.
Incredibly mashing them up and
eating them wasn't one of them.
But Cleveland constructed
an ingenious plan
allowing Carver to receive
credit for the invention.
George Washington Carver
didn't invent peanut butter!
That's right.
You're one of the few people outside of
the Illuminutty who knows this secret.
- The Illuminutty?
- That's who's chasing us.
A secret society dedicated to
concealing this truth at all costs.
- This is their mysterious symbol.
- The peanut in the pyramid!
Oh, yeah. I guess that is what it is.
After the civil war,
our nation was healed
by the belief that peanut butter
was invented by a black man.
The Illuminutty is convinced that
our country will descend into chaos,
if this lie is ever exposed.
- That's why they killed the curator!
- Okay, loud. Loud.
He said it was time the truth came out.
We have to tell everyone!
Yes.
But no one will believe us
unless we have the jar of proof.
A jar containing physical evidence
that Carver didn't invent peanut butter.
- Where is this jar?
- Only the curator knew.
The Illuminutty's been
looking for it for decades.
And when they find it,
they'll destroy it.
We've got to find it first,
so America will know the truth!
Well, we do have one
thing the Illuminutty doesn't.
A map I found years ago.
Unfortunately, it can only be read
with a special ocular device.
The monocle!
Yes, Steve, the monocle!
How does that feel?
It works, you can read the map!
Dad, it's not a map, it's a message.
"Find the cane that bore
Old Glory, 1730 M Street."
Old Glory?
- It must be a flagpole.
- Good work, Dad.
But why did we have to come
to a Burger King to read the map?
Because the economics of television
have changed, Steve.
Have it... your way!
Oh, my God.
You finally make your
first move and you lose.
- That's classic, I'm going to bed.
- Not so fast!
That was just my test model.
The real one still stands.
It's permitted.
I called Hasbro. They said it
violated the spirit of the game,
but not the actual rules.
Well, this is the address, but...
I don't see any flagpoles,
just an old strip club.
Well, no flagpoles in the VIP room.
It took you 45 minutes
to figure that out?
No, and it also didn't take me $300.
Dad, Old Glory wasn't a flag!
She was our nation's first stripper.
And that's the pole that bore her.
Look! The symbol!
We got to get that pole.
Uh, excuse me, ladies?
If anyone has left a toddler
locked in their car,
he, uh... he just found your stash.
- Oh, my God!
- My baby! - My meth!
I can't believe
you brought in an engineer.
- I can't believe you didn't.
- Okay.
Here's a list of 49 simple moves,
that won't compromise
the integrity of the strucutre.
Yeah, I don't really trust computers.
I'm just gonna go with my heart.
Then, why did you hire me?
Hire you?
Steve, are you sure about this?
Stop treating me like a little kid.
I was right about the pole, wasn't I?
It's working!
Soon the beam of light will show
us the exact location of the...
Steve, what have you done?!
You've ruined everything!
I'm sorry, Dad, I'm...
A genius. Look!
"Lastly, tip your hat
in the Garden of Eden."
- It's the last clue!
- Duh! Really?!
- Sorry, it's been a really long night.
- "The Garden of Eden."
I'm on it, Steve.
Yeah, I'm gonna need two tickets on
your next flight to the Garden of Eden.
"The Garden of Eden." The first Garden.
What do you mean you don't
fly to biblical allegories?
See, this is why you people
are going out the business.
I've got it!
The First National Garden!
But this is the only peanut plant
in this whole place.
- The hat has got to be in here.
- It's empty.
It's a dead end.
Fudge!
Wait, Steve.
Don't declare fudge just yet. Look.
The symbol!
And the pot is shaped like a hat!
It's the last piece of the puzzle!
Wait a minute.
Monocle, cane, hat...
All the clues are things
the President Peanut wears!
Great work, Steve.
All we need now is a 20-foot peanut
with presidential aspirations.
- To the Iowa caucuses!
- No, Dad.
What we need is a 20-foot President.
Of course!
Lincoln was the father
of the conspirancy.
The original President Peanut.
Well, here it goes.
Oh, God.
The jar of proof must be in there.
Hidden up Lincoln's proof shoot.
We did it, Dad. Soon the
whole world will know the truth.
Nothing can stop us now!
I'll go first.
Careful. These stairs will
be dangerous without a balust...
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad!
Dad.
Dad.
Almost there, Dad.
Hey, look, funny pages from 1916.
Ooh, the Katzenjammer Kids.
Let's see.
They're putting their dad in a barrel
and rolling it down a steep hill.
And... now he's injured.
Wow. That's not funny.
I guess comedy has really evolved.
Thanks Harvard!
And that's where babies come from.
Look out, Dad!
I can't believe there's lava
under Washington, D.C.
Where do you think all
the hot air comes from?
Oh, my God, I see it. I'm going in.
Finally.
Okay, your turn.
Come on already!
Funny.
Dad, there it is!
The jar of proof.
Can't reach it...
Steve, I'll help you up.
Booby trap!
There's something inside.
It's the playbill from the night
Lincoln was assassinated.
It's got his blood.
And all the names he
considered for peanut butter.
Ya, ya, now hand it over.
Now the world can know the truth.
Right, Dad?
Yeah, sure. Gimme-gimme.
Finally the...
Wait, this isn't the jar of proof.
He switched them on me.
Steve?
You're one of them.
You don't care about the truth,
you're just gonna destroy it.
It's over, boy. Give me the jar.
- President Jimmy Carter?
- That's right.
The Second President Peanut.
I'm sorry, son.
When were you going to tell me
you were part of the Illuminutty?
Steve, that's crazy,
I was never going to tell you.
All this time, I thought I was
proving I was so grown-up.
But you just saw me as a stupid kid
you could use to find
your precious jar of proof.
Precious indeed.
Without this secret, our young nation
would have never survived.
Steve, if you are a grown-up, you'll
understand why we have to destroy it.
- The truth would tear this country apart.
- Maybe back then,
but America is a big boy now,
and so am I.
We can handle the truth.
Whatever it's about bed time
or black people.
Enough, give me the jar
and let's be done with it!
- Dad, don't do it!
- Trust me, son...
I'm doing the grown-up thing here.
And so, the safety of our nation
will forever be insured.
God bless Americ...
Let's get out of here!
Wow, Dad, you switched jars on him.
- That was so awesome!
- Well, I learned it from you.
- I guess maybe you are all grown-up.
- Thanks, Dad.
Now, come on!
We've got some proof to spread.
- Wait, that's the wrong jar!
- What?! That's impossible!
I thought you made the switch.
What happened?
I had to make the switch?
I thought it was like a
magic bagpack or something.
No. It wasn't.
Now, the world will
never know the truth.
If only there was a place where you
can make any outrageous claim you want,
with absolutely no proof and millions
of people would accept it as fact.
That's it!
Thanks for taking that
block of the internet, Dad.
Well, you're a young man now.
You ready for everything
the internet has to offer.
- Even porn.
- Wow, porn!
This is the best
Black History Month ever!