American Dad! (2005–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Camp Refoogee - full transcript
Stan and Steve try to turn an African refugee camp into a fun summer camp, but get attacked by a group of rebels. Back at home, Roger and Francine pose as a college professor and his wife.
* Good morning,USA! *
* I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *
* And he's shining a salute
to the American race *
* Oh,boy,it's swell to say *
* Good morning,USA *
Sync:fisherchen
...four,three,two,one!
Steve,please look
at these camp brochures.
Dad,for the millionth time,
I don't want to go
to summer camp.
But Camp Pokanda's got a lake.
Steve,come with me
if you want to live...
at home this summer.
Ah,basil and
snail poison.
The sweet smell
of summer.
Hey,you should plant
some of those,uh-
I don't know
what you call them here-
Hitler melons.
Good news,I found a camp
that still has an opening.
Dad,I don't want
to go to camp.
It's hot and there's always
something crawling
in your sleeping bag like
a spider or a counselor.
Just let me tend
to my posies.
Stan,he doesn't want
to go to camp.
But I spent my
summers at camp
and I had the
time of my life.
I want him to have
that same experience.
And besides,
gardening's gay.
I'll have you know,
James Coburn had a garden.
I'm sick of your lies
about Coburn.
These are mean streets
we live on.
Streets soaked with blood.
I just fished a dead hooker
out of the canal.
Roger,what are you talking
about?
Oh,it's my new hard-
boiled PI character.
I find role-playing
helps me cope
with the soul-crushing
boredom around this place.
May I proceed?
Um,okay...
Shut your hole,
crazy broad.
I had to call
that poor dead girl's parents.
Do you have any idea
what that's like? Do you?
Damn this city.
And scene.
All the camps are full,
so we'll just make our own
in the backyard.
It'll be like Meatballs.
I'll be Bill Murray and you'll be that kid
that no one remembers.
One tent,please.
He was also in My Bodyguard.
Terrific film.
What the hell is his name?
Sorry,all our tents
have been donated.
We're shipping them
off to some camp.
Did you say camp?
Look,is there any way you can
get my kid in this camp?
Well,it's pretty
overcrowded.
My son doesn't take up
much space.
And neither does
my good friend Ben Franklin.
Yeah,he fits
in your jeans real nice.
Don'tcha,Ben?
Indubitably.
Dad!
Steve,camp is
an amazing place.
You get to swim in the
lake,drink bug juice,
ring the bell if you
win the Camp-A-Lympics.
oh,and then
there's "camp love. "
It's such an
intense experience,
like winning the Grammy
for Best R&B performance,duo or group.
Dad,for the last time,
you were not in Boyz II Men.
* Whatever. *
So it's settled.
Be sure to write.
How could you send Steve off
to some camp
you know nothing about?
I'm not an idiot,Francine.
I have a receipt
and a tracking number.
He's with some tents. It's fine.
Look,it's a legitimate place.
It's called Camp Refoogee.
It doesn't
say "refoogee. "
It says "refugee. "
You sent our son
to a refugee camp?
Has anybody seen
a Care Bears towel?
It had Luck Bear on the front.
I mean I think you call it Luck Bear
because he had a clover on his chest.
I also had a collapsible cup.
CIA
secret hangar
Just so we're clear,
you will not return home
from Africa without my son.
I'm going with you.
If I can just hold
a refugee's hand
and look them in the eye,
they'll know someone cares.
Okay,Bono,settle down.
refugee camp
12km
So,this is a refugee camp?
I have to say not that bad.
There's sun,sand.
It's like Arizona.
Although here they probably celebrate
Martin Luther King Day.
Look,the UN is here.
I'm going to go ask them
how I can help.
Okay,but the plane leaves
in 30 minutes.
Hello. Stan Smith. American.
32-inch vertical leap.
I'm looking for my son.
You must mean
the white boy.
Oh,come on,why does it always
have to be a racial thing with you blacks?
I can take you to him.
Thank you.
What's your name?
I am Wabuto
Kawanga Kumali.
I'll call you Hot Rod.
Wong's Imperial Wok.
You order Empress Plate?
What? Too broad?
Or not broad enough?
'Cause I've got some incredibly
racist buck teeth in my pocket.
You won't like yourself,
but you'll laugh.
Oh,Roger,I'm just feeling
lonely without Steve.
We were supposed to go
to an art opening tomorrow.
Art opening?
Hell,I'll go.
I got this college professor character
I've been dying to try out.
Hey,you should
do a character,too.
I don't know.
Oh,come on.
It'll help you pull your head
out of the oven.
Now,who ya gonna be?
And it's crucial that it be organic
to my professor character.
Ooh,how about
a professor's wife?
I don't really care.
You owe me $32.50.
This is a spilled
can of motor oil.
No substitution.
Steve!
Dad!
Dad,get me out of here.
I just want to go home,
and never think about
stupid camp again.
Stupid camp?
No,no,camp is good.
If only I could make you see.
That's it.
Steve,you're not gonna miss out
on camp after all.
We're staying in Africa.
What?
We've got tents,
a river,campers.
Everything we need
is here.
People,listen up.
I've got great news.
We're turning this hot,dusty wasteland
into what it should have been all along:
a summer camp.
Welcome to Camp Refoogee.
By the way,
this kind of fun isn't free.
I'm gonna need checks
from all your parents.
How can you all gorge yourselves
on roast beef while refugees starve?
I,for one,am going to spend
my short time here
outside helping
those poor people.
Hey,that's our plane.
Dad,what's going on?
We're staying for a few weeks
and turning this place into a summer camp.
A few weeks?
Steak,medium.
Little pink
in the middle.
Pinker than that.
artfixx
Okay,remember,
I'm Professor Jordan Edelstein.
My key stats:
IQ 140,near-sighted,
and I once spent a sexually
experimental weekend with Allen Ginsberg.
And I'm Amanda Lane.
I didn't take your name.
That's fine
'cause you converted for me.
Your parents weren't too happy
about you marrying a Hebrew
but then my book started selling
and they changed that tune
right quick.
I was thinking we've been
married about 17 years.
Perfect.
And I'm the head of the
political science department
Harvard,
thank you very much.
Political scnce?
You should be an
economics professor.
What? No.
I make my own backstory.
Besides,
I freakin' hate economics.
Fine,if you want to waste your life
with political science,go ahd.
God,you sound
just like your mother.
You're just slightly better
at this than I expected.
That horseshoe pit's
really coming along there-
What's his name?
Rahsaan Bikila Mosi.
Well done,Skittles.
Get up,Steve.
When I was at camp,I never sat
around doing nothing.
I played sports. I wrote cheers.
I was the first one to rhyme
"ooh ungawa" with "powa. "
Didn't copyright it.
Lost millions.
Dad,no matter what you do,I'll
never have your camp experience,
because this place is never
gonna be a real summer camp.
Right on time.
I ordered an air-drop
from the CIA.
We're in desperate
need of supplies.
Uncle Stan,is it fresh water?
Better.
Malaria pills?
Better.
It looks like fruit.
Are they
Hitler melons?
No. What?
No,they're tetherballs.
Oh,and look at this.
Camp T-shirts.
E! Entertainment?
This sucks.I wanna go home.
Hi. I'm Makeva.
You're Uncle Stan's son.
Thank you.
So I'm going to the
camp dance tonight.
Maybe I'll see you there?
Someone's robbin'
the cradle of civilization.
Dad!
Makeva!
Dinner!
Got it!
Oh,man,it is so on.
You just found
your camp love.
Pound it.
Dad,I...
Pound it!
This is
the real thing,Steve.
I still remember
my first camp love.
Tommy Bennett.
No-no,Amy Bennett.
Why would I say Tommy?
Anyway,I'd never felt that way
before and I haven't since.
Just three words
of advice: Hall & Oates.
Chicks dig 'em.
Okay,campers,time for the
swim test,just jump right in.
We never
go in the water.
It's too close
to the Bawango rebel camp.
Ah,yes,the
rich kids camp.
No,they are the ones who destroyed
our village and forced us here.
Our old vals.
Well,I think it's time
they were taken down a notch.
Be cautious.
They are a fierce people
who refuse to make peace.
"Makepeace. "
"Chris Makepeace. "
That was the kid
from Meatballs.
Thank you.
Their leader Ozomatli
is a cruel man.
Ooh,boy,I'm not
feeling so good.
I'm sweaty,queasy.
I think I gotta bad case of...
full-moon fever!
What the hell is this?
Apologies,General Ozomatli,
that is my kaleidoscope.
Congratulations,
you just lost an arm.
Ooh,wait,wait!
Let me just get the stuff
out of my left pocket.
langley falls
country club
Sorry about that.
Oh,that's okay.
I'm Rick,
and this is Candy.
I'm Amanda,and this
is my husband Jordan.
We just moved
to Langley Falls.
Rick's a pediatrician
and I teach first grade.
Oh,that's got to
be good for business.
She trips 'em
on the playground,
then sends 'em your
way for bandaging.
They're on to us,Cand!
Well,it was nice
meeting you two.
That was so fun.
I wish it didn't
have to end.
Let's have 'em
over for dinner.
Oh,Stan doesn't like
dinner parties.
Well,I don't know
who this Stan yutz is,
but you're married to Professor
Jordan Edelstein,PhD,
and he fancies a dinner party.
Great,let's have them
over for Shabbas!
Shh! Keep your
voice down.
We're at the club.
camp dance
All right,Camp Refoogee,
we got a special request dedication
from Skittles to Li'I Oprah.
This necklace has a tooth
from the snake I killed.
With it you'll always have
the heart of Africa.
* I'm tired of playing
on the team *
* Oh,it seems
I don't get time out anymore. *
Open your mouth,
lead with the tongue.
Dad!
That's how I kissed
Amy Bennet at camp.
I don't want your camp
experience,okay.
I was making my own experience
and you ruined it!
Makeva!
Uncle Stan,it's
the Bawango!
Camp Bawango?
Oh,it's a panty raid!
I was not expecting that.
Touche,rich kids!
Whoa,that seems
a bit excessive.
Steve!
Hey,take the panties.
Leave the girl!
Dad,they just
kidnapped Makeva!
Alright,I understand
"kidnapped. "
But what is "Makeva"?
that little girl they stole can told me
Nooo.
Mr. Tetherball...
Oh,your days of pole-wrapping
are through,sir...
and I salute you!
Dad,you have to help me
get Makeva back.
But I don't know what to do.
"I don't know what to do. "
You can act like a man!
There's no hitting
at Camp Refoogee.
Look,the Bawango rebels
ruined our camp
and took one
of your campers.
Are you going to let them
get away with that?
Don't move,Steve.
Just give them your credit card
and we'll cancel it when we get home.
Dad,these are
your campers.
They're rallying
around you.
Oh,yes,
right,right.
Thanks,fellas.
You're right,Steve.
We've got to
get your girl.
And there's only one way to deal
with these vicious rebels.
Camp-A-Lympics?
That's right.
We challenge you.
I accept the challenge.
If we win,we get the girl
and the refugees
get their land back.
And if we win,
we get the girl
and the beautiful "E!
Entertainment Television" T-shirts.
Dad!
Fine,fine.
You're on!
Now,that lamp there
we bought back in '89.
I remember the year
'cause Amanda and I
had just seen Old Gringo
and I wanted something heavy
to bash my head in.
You have a story for
everything,even the wallpaper.
Where did you say
it was from?
Egypt.
We were there while Jordan was
doing research for his economics dissertation...
Mandy,
a moment?
I told you,I don't
study economics.
I am a political
scientist!
That's right.
Oh,well,too late now.
I said economics.
It's been established.
Candy.
* Candy,Candy,Candy *
* I can't let you go. *
Uh,how much do you weigh,
Candy?
100,what do you figure,
maybe 105?
I guess
about that.
Mmm-hmm.
Pret-ty fit,tight.
My wife used
to look like you.
Let's not get nasty,Professor.
I'm just saying to the attractive girl
that you used to look good.
Before you went to rehab.
I never went to rehab.
You have now.
It's been established.
tostitos presents
camp-a-lympics
Let the games begin!
talent competition
* I like big butts
and I cannot lie *
* You other brothers
can't deny *
* That when a girl walks in
with an itty-bitty waist *
* And a round thing
in your face *
* You get sprung. *
The fourth guy
I should have married
instead of Jordan was
Bradford Dorn III.
He had a yacht.
And a backbone.
You're boring our guests
with your pathetic rants,dear.
Make me another drink,Jordan.
He justifies his existence
by mixing a passable cocktail.
Yes,Love,
whatever Love wants.
Amanda wears a hairpiece.
What?!
Oh yeah,worst case of female
pattern baldness the doctor's ever seen.
Well,maybe if you'd studied medicine
rather than economics,
you'd be able to help me.
In the words of every sitcom
character in the early '90s,
and everyone in the Midwest
through the rest of the '90s,
"Don't go there. "
Come on,Professor.
Tell the kids about
all the economics conventions you attend,
discussing economics
with the economics people.
Tell them how you killed
our baby,Amanda.
Jordan,no!
Real,real tragedy.
Amanda was drunk,of course,and
she wasn't watching the pool.
We were at Lake Geneva.
I was receiving an award
for my work in...
what was it,dear?
Economics?!
I wanted to have anotherhild,
but her uterus was polluted
from all the syphilis.
You bastard!
The score is tied leading
into the final event:
the footrace.
I want to run,Dad.
It's my girl,
my race.
I'm proud of you,son.
All of Camp Refoogee
is behind you.
So keep your hand
on your wallet.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't
help myself. I'm terrible.
With this you'll always have
the heart of Africa.
Stevie,boom-ba-yey,Stevie,boom-ba-yey!
Guys,
there's a lion.
Guys,lion.
Never mind.
Way to go,Champ!
Oh,here comes
your girl.
Get ready for your
victory kiss.
Don't think of
Tony Bennett...
But...
I- I won the race
for you.
I'm sorry,Steve,
but I'm kind of a crazy chick.
Is it over?
Yes. Are we going to be okay?
Yes.
Do you think maybe the
baby couldn't have drowned in the pool?
No,you left the gate
open and she sank like a stone.
You have to live with that
for the rest of your life.
Hey,Champ.
Camp love can
be tough,huh?
How would you know?
You got your
camp love.
Actually,I didn't.
What?
I loved Amy Bennett,but
the part I didn't tell you was
she didn't love me back.
She broke my heart.
I guess I ended up having
your camp experience after all.
Yeah,I guess you did.
Hey,Steve,you know the goo
thing about first love?
It's the first of many.
So,how'd you
get over Amy?
Well,son,as you grow older,
you'll find that the ht
fades away...
Why,Amy?!
Why don't you love me?!
It's going to
be okay,Dad.
Don't you dare
patronize me!
Aaamy!
Aaaamyyyy!
I don't want to live!
Thank God we're
going home.
I think I gained
the "African 20."
Seriously?
I threw away more food
than I ate.
Everyone is on the buses
and ready to go.
I hate the last day
of camp.
You better write me
when you get home,H-Rod.
We don't have homes.
The rebels destroyed everything.
Oh,right.
I guess I don't like thinking
about your horrible situation.
Just like the rest
of the world.
Shame on you.
All right,dude,
take it easy.
Thanks,Dad.
Camp was awesome.
Yeah,we'll never forget
these guys...
Hot Rod...
Skittles...
Brooklyn Pete...
Sparkplug...
Reuniti...
Whitey...
Oh,that's you,Steve.
Sync:fisherchen
* I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day *
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *
* And he's shining a salute
to the American race *
* Oh,boy,it's swell to say *
* Good morning,USA *
Sync:fisherchen
...four,three,two,one!
Steve,please look
at these camp brochures.
Dad,for the millionth time,
I don't want to go
to summer camp.
But Camp Pokanda's got a lake.
Steve,come with me
if you want to live...
at home this summer.
Ah,basil and
snail poison.
The sweet smell
of summer.
Hey,you should plant
some of those,uh-
I don't know
what you call them here-
Hitler melons.
Good news,I found a camp
that still has an opening.
Dad,I don't want
to go to camp.
It's hot and there's always
something crawling
in your sleeping bag like
a spider or a counselor.
Just let me tend
to my posies.
Stan,he doesn't want
to go to camp.
But I spent my
summers at camp
and I had the
time of my life.
I want him to have
that same experience.
And besides,
gardening's gay.
I'll have you know,
James Coburn had a garden.
I'm sick of your lies
about Coburn.
These are mean streets
we live on.
Streets soaked with blood.
I just fished a dead hooker
out of the canal.
Roger,what are you talking
about?
Oh,it's my new hard-
boiled PI character.
I find role-playing
helps me cope
with the soul-crushing
boredom around this place.
May I proceed?
Um,okay...
Shut your hole,
crazy broad.
I had to call
that poor dead girl's parents.
Do you have any idea
what that's like? Do you?
Damn this city.
And scene.
All the camps are full,
so we'll just make our own
in the backyard.
It'll be like Meatballs.
I'll be Bill Murray and you'll be that kid
that no one remembers.
One tent,please.
He was also in My Bodyguard.
Terrific film.
What the hell is his name?
Sorry,all our tents
have been donated.
We're shipping them
off to some camp.
Did you say camp?
Look,is there any way you can
get my kid in this camp?
Well,it's pretty
overcrowded.
My son doesn't take up
much space.
And neither does
my good friend Ben Franklin.
Yeah,he fits
in your jeans real nice.
Don'tcha,Ben?
Indubitably.
Dad!
Steve,camp is
an amazing place.
You get to swim in the
lake,drink bug juice,
ring the bell if you
win the Camp-A-Lympics.
oh,and then
there's "camp love. "
It's such an
intense experience,
like winning the Grammy
for Best R&B performance,duo or group.
Dad,for the last time,
you were not in Boyz II Men.
* Whatever. *
So it's settled.
Be sure to write.
How could you send Steve off
to some camp
you know nothing about?
I'm not an idiot,Francine.
I have a receipt
and a tracking number.
He's with some tents. It's fine.
Look,it's a legitimate place.
It's called Camp Refoogee.
It doesn't
say "refoogee. "
It says "refugee. "
You sent our son
to a refugee camp?
Has anybody seen
a Care Bears towel?
It had Luck Bear on the front.
I mean I think you call it Luck Bear
because he had a clover on his chest.
I also had a collapsible cup.
CIA
secret hangar
Just so we're clear,
you will not return home
from Africa without my son.
I'm going with you.
If I can just hold
a refugee's hand
and look them in the eye,
they'll know someone cares.
Okay,Bono,settle down.
refugee camp
12km
So,this is a refugee camp?
I have to say not that bad.
There's sun,sand.
It's like Arizona.
Although here they probably celebrate
Martin Luther King Day.
Look,the UN is here.
I'm going to go ask them
how I can help.
Okay,but the plane leaves
in 30 minutes.
Hello. Stan Smith. American.
32-inch vertical leap.
I'm looking for my son.
You must mean
the white boy.
Oh,come on,why does it always
have to be a racial thing with you blacks?
I can take you to him.
Thank you.
What's your name?
I am Wabuto
Kawanga Kumali.
I'll call you Hot Rod.
Wong's Imperial Wok.
You order Empress Plate?
What? Too broad?
Or not broad enough?
'Cause I've got some incredibly
racist buck teeth in my pocket.
You won't like yourself,
but you'll laugh.
Oh,Roger,I'm just feeling
lonely without Steve.
We were supposed to go
to an art opening tomorrow.
Art opening?
Hell,I'll go.
I got this college professor character
I've been dying to try out.
Hey,you should
do a character,too.
I don't know.
Oh,come on.
It'll help you pull your head
out of the oven.
Now,who ya gonna be?
And it's crucial that it be organic
to my professor character.
Ooh,how about
a professor's wife?
I don't really care.
You owe me $32.50.
This is a spilled
can of motor oil.
No substitution.
Steve!
Dad!
Dad,get me out of here.
I just want to go home,
and never think about
stupid camp again.
Stupid camp?
No,no,camp is good.
If only I could make you see.
That's it.
Steve,you're not gonna miss out
on camp after all.
We're staying in Africa.
What?
We've got tents,
a river,campers.
Everything we need
is here.
People,listen up.
I've got great news.
We're turning this hot,dusty wasteland
into what it should have been all along:
a summer camp.
Welcome to Camp Refoogee.
By the way,
this kind of fun isn't free.
I'm gonna need checks
from all your parents.
How can you all gorge yourselves
on roast beef while refugees starve?
I,for one,am going to spend
my short time here
outside helping
those poor people.
Hey,that's our plane.
Dad,what's going on?
We're staying for a few weeks
and turning this place into a summer camp.
A few weeks?
Steak,medium.
Little pink
in the middle.
Pinker than that.
artfixx
Okay,remember,
I'm Professor Jordan Edelstein.
My key stats:
IQ 140,near-sighted,
and I once spent a sexually
experimental weekend with Allen Ginsberg.
And I'm Amanda Lane.
I didn't take your name.
That's fine
'cause you converted for me.
Your parents weren't too happy
about you marrying a Hebrew
but then my book started selling
and they changed that tune
right quick.
I was thinking we've been
married about 17 years.
Perfect.
And I'm the head of the
political science department
Harvard,
thank you very much.
Political scnce?
You should be an
economics professor.
What? No.
I make my own backstory.
Besides,
I freakin' hate economics.
Fine,if you want to waste your life
with political science,go ahd.
God,you sound
just like your mother.
You're just slightly better
at this than I expected.
That horseshoe pit's
really coming along there-
What's his name?
Rahsaan Bikila Mosi.
Well done,Skittles.
Get up,Steve.
When I was at camp,I never sat
around doing nothing.
I played sports. I wrote cheers.
I was the first one to rhyme
"ooh ungawa" with "powa. "
Didn't copyright it.
Lost millions.
Dad,no matter what you do,I'll
never have your camp experience,
because this place is never
gonna be a real summer camp.
Right on time.
I ordered an air-drop
from the CIA.
We're in desperate
need of supplies.
Uncle Stan,is it fresh water?
Better.
Malaria pills?
Better.
It looks like fruit.
Are they
Hitler melons?
No. What?
No,they're tetherballs.
Oh,and look at this.
Camp T-shirts.
E! Entertainment?
This sucks.I wanna go home.
Hi. I'm Makeva.
You're Uncle Stan's son.
Thank you.
So I'm going to the
camp dance tonight.
Maybe I'll see you there?
Someone's robbin'
the cradle of civilization.
Dad!
Makeva!
Dinner!
Got it!
Oh,man,it is so on.
You just found
your camp love.
Pound it.
Dad,I...
Pound it!
This is
the real thing,Steve.
I still remember
my first camp love.
Tommy Bennett.
No-no,Amy Bennett.
Why would I say Tommy?
Anyway,I'd never felt that way
before and I haven't since.
Just three words
of advice: Hall & Oates.
Chicks dig 'em.
Okay,campers,time for the
swim test,just jump right in.
We never
go in the water.
It's too close
to the Bawango rebel camp.
Ah,yes,the
rich kids camp.
No,they are the ones who destroyed
our village and forced us here.
Our old vals.
Well,I think it's time
they were taken down a notch.
Be cautious.
They are a fierce people
who refuse to make peace.
"Makepeace. "
"Chris Makepeace. "
That was the kid
from Meatballs.
Thank you.
Their leader Ozomatli
is a cruel man.
Ooh,boy,I'm not
feeling so good.
I'm sweaty,queasy.
I think I gotta bad case of...
full-moon fever!
What the hell is this?
Apologies,General Ozomatli,
that is my kaleidoscope.
Congratulations,
you just lost an arm.
Ooh,wait,wait!
Let me just get the stuff
out of my left pocket.
langley falls
country club
Sorry about that.
Oh,that's okay.
I'm Rick,
and this is Candy.
I'm Amanda,and this
is my husband Jordan.
We just moved
to Langley Falls.
Rick's a pediatrician
and I teach first grade.
Oh,that's got to
be good for business.
She trips 'em
on the playground,
then sends 'em your
way for bandaging.
They're on to us,Cand!
Well,it was nice
meeting you two.
That was so fun.
I wish it didn't
have to end.
Let's have 'em
over for dinner.
Oh,Stan doesn't like
dinner parties.
Well,I don't know
who this Stan yutz is,
but you're married to Professor
Jordan Edelstein,PhD,
and he fancies a dinner party.
Great,let's have them
over for Shabbas!
Shh! Keep your
voice down.
We're at the club.
camp dance
All right,Camp Refoogee,
we got a special request dedication
from Skittles to Li'I Oprah.
This necklace has a tooth
from the snake I killed.
With it you'll always have
the heart of Africa.
* I'm tired of playing
on the team *
* Oh,it seems
I don't get time out anymore. *
Open your mouth,
lead with the tongue.
Dad!
That's how I kissed
Amy Bennet at camp.
I don't want your camp
experience,okay.
I was making my own experience
and you ruined it!
Makeva!
Uncle Stan,it's
the Bawango!
Camp Bawango?
Oh,it's a panty raid!
I was not expecting that.
Touche,rich kids!
Whoa,that seems
a bit excessive.
Steve!
Hey,take the panties.
Leave the girl!
Dad,they just
kidnapped Makeva!
Alright,I understand
"kidnapped. "
But what is "Makeva"?
that little girl they stole can told me
Nooo.
Mr. Tetherball...
Oh,your days of pole-wrapping
are through,sir...
and I salute you!
Dad,you have to help me
get Makeva back.
But I don't know what to do.
"I don't know what to do. "
You can act like a man!
There's no hitting
at Camp Refoogee.
Look,the Bawango rebels
ruined our camp
and took one
of your campers.
Are you going to let them
get away with that?
Don't move,Steve.
Just give them your credit card
and we'll cancel it when we get home.
Dad,these are
your campers.
They're rallying
around you.
Oh,yes,
right,right.
Thanks,fellas.
You're right,Steve.
We've got to
get your girl.
And there's only one way to deal
with these vicious rebels.
Camp-A-Lympics?
That's right.
We challenge you.
I accept the challenge.
If we win,we get the girl
and the refugees
get their land back.
And if we win,
we get the girl
and the beautiful "E!
Entertainment Television" T-shirts.
Dad!
Fine,fine.
You're on!
Now,that lamp there
we bought back in '89.
I remember the year
'cause Amanda and I
had just seen Old Gringo
and I wanted something heavy
to bash my head in.
You have a story for
everything,even the wallpaper.
Where did you say
it was from?
Egypt.
We were there while Jordan was
doing research for his economics dissertation...
Mandy,
a moment?
I told you,I don't
study economics.
I am a political
scientist!
That's right.
Oh,well,too late now.
I said economics.
It's been established.
Candy.
* Candy,Candy,Candy *
* I can't let you go. *
Uh,how much do you weigh,
Candy?
100,what do you figure,
maybe 105?
I guess
about that.
Mmm-hmm.
Pret-ty fit,tight.
My wife used
to look like you.
Let's not get nasty,Professor.
I'm just saying to the attractive girl
that you used to look good.
Before you went to rehab.
I never went to rehab.
You have now.
It's been established.
tostitos presents
camp-a-lympics
Let the games begin!
talent competition
* I like big butts
and I cannot lie *
* You other brothers
can't deny *
* That when a girl walks in
with an itty-bitty waist *
* And a round thing
in your face *
* You get sprung. *
The fourth guy
I should have married
instead of Jordan was
Bradford Dorn III.
He had a yacht.
And a backbone.
You're boring our guests
with your pathetic rants,dear.
Make me another drink,Jordan.
He justifies his existence
by mixing a passable cocktail.
Yes,Love,
whatever Love wants.
Amanda wears a hairpiece.
What?!
Oh yeah,worst case of female
pattern baldness the doctor's ever seen.
Well,maybe if you'd studied medicine
rather than economics,
you'd be able to help me.
In the words of every sitcom
character in the early '90s,
and everyone in the Midwest
through the rest of the '90s,
"Don't go there. "
Come on,Professor.
Tell the kids about
all the economics conventions you attend,
discussing economics
with the economics people.
Tell them how you killed
our baby,Amanda.
Jordan,no!
Real,real tragedy.
Amanda was drunk,of course,and
she wasn't watching the pool.
We were at Lake Geneva.
I was receiving an award
for my work in...
what was it,dear?
Economics?!
I wanted to have anotherhild,
but her uterus was polluted
from all the syphilis.
You bastard!
The score is tied leading
into the final event:
the footrace.
I want to run,Dad.
It's my girl,
my race.
I'm proud of you,son.
All of Camp Refoogee
is behind you.
So keep your hand
on your wallet.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't
help myself. I'm terrible.
With this you'll always have
the heart of Africa.
Stevie,boom-ba-yey,Stevie,boom-ba-yey!
Guys,
there's a lion.
Guys,lion.
Never mind.
Way to go,Champ!
Oh,here comes
your girl.
Get ready for your
victory kiss.
Don't think of
Tony Bennett...
But...
I- I won the race
for you.
I'm sorry,Steve,
but I'm kind of a crazy chick.
Is it over?
Yes. Are we going to be okay?
Yes.
Do you think maybe the
baby couldn't have drowned in the pool?
No,you left the gate
open and she sank like a stone.
You have to live with that
for the rest of your life.
Hey,Champ.
Camp love can
be tough,huh?
How would you know?
You got your
camp love.
Actually,I didn't.
What?
I loved Amy Bennett,but
the part I didn't tell you was
she didn't love me back.
She broke my heart.
I guess I ended up having
your camp experience after all.
Yeah,I guess you did.
Hey,Steve,you know the goo
thing about first love?
It's the first of many.
So,how'd you
get over Amy?
Well,son,as you grow older,
you'll find that the ht
fades away...
Why,Amy?!
Why don't you love me?!
It's going to
be okay,Dad.
Don't you dare
patronize me!
Aaamy!
Aaaamyyyy!
I don't want to live!
Thank God we're
going home.
I think I gained
the "African 20."
Seriously?
I threw away more food
than I ate.
Everyone is on the buses
and ready to go.
I hate the last day
of camp.
You better write me
when you get home,H-Rod.
We don't have homes.
The rebels destroyed everything.
Oh,right.
I guess I don't like thinking
about your horrible situation.
Just like the rest
of the world.
Shame on you.
All right,dude,
take it easy.
Thanks,Dad.
Camp was awesome.
Yeah,we'll never forget
these guys...
Hot Rod...
Skittles...
Brooklyn Pete...
Sparkplug...
Reuniti...
Whitey...
Oh,that's you,Steve.
Sync:fisherchen