American Dad! (2005–…): Season 16, Episode 17 - The Sinister Fate!! - full transcript

The dean is getting
his ass kicked

in the parking lot.

It's so messed up.
Nobody is stopping to help.

Yeesh. So this is old
Corpsey herself, huh?

[ Sniffs]
Ugh!

What'd,
they leave her out in the sun?

[ Gasps ]
Aah!

Oh, I didn't miss
anything, did I?

I was just trying
to catch a little catnap

before class started.

G-G-G-G-G-Going on is what?



Hayley, this is
our new lab partner.

She's a SNAB.

A Student of Notable
Age or Background.

And her name's Anus.

Eunice.

[ Bell rings ]
Professor: Yahh!

Dammit!

Wow. 98 years old,

and you're going
back to college.

You're never too old
to follow your dreams.

I find that so inspiring.

I'll tell you
what I find inspiring.

The student bodies.

[ Whistles ]



Sweet Georgia Brown.

I happen to have an interest
in the fellas and the gals.

Daaamn, old lady!

[ Beeping ]

♪♪

Ooh, ooh, and another thing
about my new friend Eunice...

another thing is,
she is so funny.

Check out
this hilarious picture of us

pretending to hump
the tope-liary animals

out front of the Women's Center.

[ All gasp ]

You didn't tell us
she was an old age person.

Barf City,
population no thank you.

Now, Francine,

I too was once put off
by old people,

but then I had
an adventure about them

that changed my mind.

I'm always having adventures

and learning
life-changing lessons from them.

This week, I'm converting
our mud room into a man cave.

I wonder what I'll learn
from that.

Well, I say,
"Go young or go home."

No old-o.

Well, I think Eunice is
a deeply inspirational SNAB.

And I hope I'm just like her
when I get old.

Oh, you're not going
to be like Eunice.

You're going to be
like... your mom.

Pff.
Sha-yeah-hah right.

It's fate.

Every woman eventually
becomes her mother.

Will I become
my mother?
No.

Every man marries his mother.

Noice.

Hayley, think of all the ways

you're already like Francine.

Laid-back, except for quick
bursts of anger.

Lazy.

Heavy substance abuse.

For you, weed.

For Francine, collectible
"Guardians of the Galaxy"

Big Gulp cups
full of white wine.

You should consider
yourself lucky, Hayley.

This is Francine
we're talking about here.

I'm an icon.

I'm sorry,
but me become like you?

Gross.

It's like, Barf City,
population no thank you.

[ All gasp ]
Oh, see, right there?

Francine just said that
like two minutes ago!

No, she didn't.
Francine: Barf City,

population no thank you.

Roger, why were
you recording us?

I'm recording everything
these days.

I'm afraid
the political atmosphere

inside my improv team,
Pizza Party Weekend,

has me...
a bit paranoid.

There's snakes in the grass.

Certain members want me out.

Which ones?
All of them.

Every single one of them.

Well, Hayley, too bad for you

that you're gonna end up
being like me,

whether you like it or not.

Now, I see it's time
for my 10:00 AM nap, so...

Ugh!
Here comes another one

of your obnoxious
little sayings.

Give Momma some sugar

so she can have
them sweet dreams.

[ Moans ]
Ugh!

Barfsylvania...

Both: Population nothankyula.

Aah!
[ Laughs ]

[ Sipping ]

♪♪

Oh!

You don't have a big
squiggly mustache!

For the last time, Jeff,
we are listing the ways

I am different from my mom,
not Wario.

Oh, Hayley!

Looky what I found
in the old picture album.

You can barely tell us apart.

Yeah, only because
you were always trying

to make me a frilly, princessy
little clone of yourself.

Oh, excuse me for ever trying
to bond with my daughter.

Bond?! Ha!

You just wanted
your own personal Mini-Me.

Like that Halloween
that you went as Mini-Me

and you made me go
as Mini-Mini-Me.

But I didn't wanna be Mini-Me.

[ Voice breaking ] I wanted
to be Minnie Mouse.

Or at least Mini-Minnie Mouse.

But that's what Dad and Steve
got to go as!

But it's okay.

Because I couldn't be
more different from you.

Oh, yeah?

Why don't you check
my old senior picture?

You...

wore a headband, too?

Face it, Hayley.

There's too much of me
in you already.

My genes.

My cooking.

My double-jointedness.

You're double-jointed?

Yes.

[ Bones crack ]
[ Gasps ]

And so are you!

[ Bones crack ]
[ Gasps ]

Toodle-oo, Future Me!

Well, Steve,
through ruthless cunning,

I seized control
of Pizza Party Weekend

and fired all the other members.

Had to be done.
It was a nest of vipers.

A den of... vipers.

Plus, none of them
could do characters for crap.

But now I gotta find
a whole new team!

What about me and my friends?

Our drunk driving skit
got big laughs

at the pre-prom assembly
last year.

Hmm.
How was the prom?

It was a bloodbath.

Drunk driving was way up.

I don't know.

Maybe we could do
a trial practice,

test the chemistry,
play a little Splooch Magooch.

What's that?
Classic improv warm-up game.

You don't know Splooch Magooch?

Oh, my God.
This is not gonna work.

No way.
But I'm up against it.

You're in.
All of you.

Full member status.
Welcome to the big leagues.

We practice in a public park.

Gotta get rid of my headbands.

No, wait!
Mom got rid of hers!

But does that mean
I need to keep mine?

[ Gasps ]
CannisterCo?

That's Mom's brand!

Babe?

Are you alright?

No, Jeff! I am definitely not
[bleep] alright!

I have to get rid of anything
related to my mom!

What about that dress?

[ Gasps ]

[ Groaning ]

♪♪

[ Screams ]
[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Screams ]

♪♪

I hereby sentence you
to become...

your mother!

[ Gasps, breathing heavily ]

If you just had a nightmare,

please don't tell me about it.

No need for both of us
to get scared.

Wait a minute.
That's it.

A way I'm not anything
like my mom.

You.

Oh, she would never marry
someone like you.

Almost nobody would.

Ah, thanks, babe.

I'm not becoming my mother.

I'm glad, too.

No offense, but being
married to Mrs. S?

Barf City,

population no thank you.
[ Gulps ]

Klaus: Laid-back except
for quick bursts of anger.

Why is this mother-[bleep]
Junior Jumble so hard?!

Gaah!
Lazy.

[ Yawning ]
Oh, man.

I sure am tired

from that quick burst of anger.

Heavy substance abuse.

[ Bubbling ]

Oh, my God.

I'm not becoming my mother.

I married her.

Now, give Momma some sugar

[Distorted] so she can
have them sweet dreams.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Screams ]

[ Both screaming ]

[ Hayley and Jeff scream ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Blankets rustle ]

Mrs. S, can I sleep with
you and Mr. S tonight?

Hayley realized
it's actually me who's like you,

and now she's madder than Wario!

[ Muffled screams ]

It's you who's like me, huh?

♪♪

Aren't you happy?

You're not going
to become your mom.

Yeah, but I sure
as hell don't want

to be married to her, either.

Jeff needs to be
de-Francine-ified.

Starting with those
beloved golden locks of his.

Say, where is Jeff?
No idea.

I've been working like a dog

on my man-cave all morning.

That's right.
I'm still doing that.

Brother, I need to hydrate.

[ Door opens, laughter ]

Oh, hey there.

We just got back from
the most amazing girls' day out.

Look, babe!
We got mani-ped-a-files!

You're just doing this
to get back at me, aren't you?

Actually, Hayley,
maybe I'm just happy

to finally have a "daughter"

who wants to do things with me.

You know what?
I don't have time for this.

My study group
got moved up to noon.

Eunice sent me a text.

On what?
A telegraph?

No, Francine, on her phone.

Which she did mail to me
in an envelope.

I gotta get this back to her.

♪♪

Together: Splooch Magooch,
there's a monkey in my cooch,

and he came out to give me a...

And then, Barry, bud, you say

an adjective and noun
that start with "A".

Whatever pops into your head.

Don't worry about
trying to be funny.

Doesn't have to be funny.

Angry apple.

How is that funny? I...

Oh, my God, we are so screwed.

Now, if I'm up next,

for example, and I've got "B",

I'm just gonna fire off
something super funny, like...

How about Bronx banana?

Heh. You know, like a...
like a tough New Yawk banana?

Like, "'Ey,
I'm peelin' here!"

[ Laugher ]

"You peelin' to me?"

Alright.
That's more like it.

There may be hope for us yet.

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Thinking ] Looks like we got
ourselves a funnyman here.

Okay, Steve, you think
you can push me out?

Game on.

Snot:
Mr. Steve's Uncle, sir?

[ Growls ]

What should I do here?

Well, whatever you do,
don't blow him.

He just keeps coming back
again and again.

♪♪

Hayley: Wow, Eunice.

Look at all these
incredible things you've done.

Professional female wrestling,

fighting alongside Jane Fonda
and the Viet Cong,

founding member of
the Shangri-Las and Buckcherry,

hang gliding, bang gliding.

How did you make such
an amazing life for yourself?

I decided early on
I wanted an exciting life.

My own life.

So, I left home at 12.

Cut all ties.

It had to be done.

I didn't want to be anything
like my parents.

Are you?
Heavens no.

And neither, for that matter,
is Milford, my husband.

Husband?

Any of you study buddies call

for an old fuddy duddy?

[ Chuckles ]

Ha! That's us
in our younger days.

But you are only ever
as old as you feel.

Milford here is 102
and still sharp as a tack.

That's right.

Well, I'm off to the lab

to play tiddlywinks with Morbo.

Goodbye, Constance!

[ Brakes squeak ]

[ Upbeat music plays ]

♪ I take
two steps forward ♪

♪ And I do, too ♪

♪ We stay together ♪

♪ 'Cause I am
just like you ♪

Give your momma some sugar

so we can have
them sweet dreams!

No!

Your personality is not
going to dictate who I am!

Or who I'm with!

Ah don't want
your life!
[ Gasps ]

And ah don't
want your wife!
[ Gasps ]

I am cutting all ties
with you! Forever!

[ Door slams ]
Alright.

Next up, we got Tuttle
with "Magic Stick".

Pizza Party Weekenders!

Some of you have expressed,
both to me directly

and to one another
in private phone calls,

concerns about my "mental state"

and how hard I've been
riding our rising star here,

so I just wanted to let you know

that Steve and I had a good talk

and, well, he agrees,
and I do, too,

that he's out of the group.
What?!

Can't be trusted.
He's out. Steve's out.

And Buck-Knife Joe is in.
[ Growling ]

Are you sure that's a good idea?

Look, Buck-Knife Joe might
have a knife around his neck,

but you know
what he doesn't have?

An agenda.

Now, let's have some fun,
you buncha damn Judases!

[ Thunder crashes ]

I'm sorry to barge in
on you like this.

I-I-I just didn't know
where else to go.

That's alright, dear.

You just go on and get yourself
out of those wet clothes.

You can borrow some of ours.

Don't worry!

You're not going
to be your mother!

And neither is your husband!

Because you and your husband
are going to be...

us.

[ Both laugh maniacally ]

[ Click! ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Laughing continues ]

Oh, it seems like
I saw something

I'm not supposed to,
but rest assured,

I have absolutely no idea
what's happening.

Please, do go on.

[ Laughing continues ]

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Yo, U-Dog,
you sure you don't mind us

wearing your fancy
old threads, kemosabe?

Oh, not at all, dear.

My, don't they just
fit you perfectly.

Ugh!

Do you have any other tattoos
I should know about?

I got a Jill Stein riding
a surfboard on my upper thigh,

but it's usually
covered up with pubes.

Wait. Why?

That's enough damn
pecan sandies!

They'll go straight to my...

Eh, your calves.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Ba-duh!

Mom?

I thought you convinced the girl
to cut all ties!

I did!

What do you want?
My daughter.

Well, I am not
coming back with you.

Not you!
Jeff.

Well, he's not going anywhere.

Actually, none of us are
until this storm lets up.

Road's flooded.
Just barely made it up here.

Yo, Milhouse, this the shitter?

I had a chalupa or two
on the drive over.

♪♪

What the...

♪♪

Oh. My. God.

Sweet man cave!

Love the mad scientist theme.

"Beakman's World"!

And I bet the secret entrance

keeps the wife out
on game day, amirite?

Holy moly!

Can you smoke a brisket
in this baby?

What is this, Sears?
How much this baby put you back?

What you got going here?
Brewski fridge?

You know,
all this place really needs is

chili pepper lights everywhere,
and then right there...

[ Banging, growls ]

And then right there,
Spuds MacKenzie poster.

Hold up. I got
like 10 in the car.

Cool dress, Hayley.

I love how it does
absolutely nothing for you.

Says the woman who dresses

like the pink ghost
from "Pac-Man".

Enough!

I cannot stand
the inane prattling

of you two trifling fools
any longer!

I'm not Eunice.

I'm Dr. Constance
Von Stroheim!

And with my husband,

I've discovered the key
to eternal life.

And you shall be our vessels!

Morbo!

[ Growling, thudding ]

What's a Morbo?

♪♪

Seize them, you stupid brute!

[ Growls ]

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Wow.
Biggest turnout ever.

I know things got
a little bumpy there

for a little while,
but I think we came out

the other end
all the stronger for it.

Now, why don't we warm up
with a little Vroom Zoom Kaboom?

Vroom.

Zoom.
You're out.

You're all out.
I'm sorry.

I-I just can't work with people
I can't trust.

Buck-Knife Joe has some friends.
They're in.

No time to practice,
so we'll just have

to do warm-up games
for the show.

Together: Splooch Magooch,
there's a monkey in my cooch,

and he came out to give me a...

Big surprise!

[ Gasps ] The original members
of Pizza Party Weekend?

Can't do characters, can we?

Well, now that we have
a majority again,

you are out!

[ Laughter ]

The lesson from this adventure
is clear.

I'm just too trusting.

[ Thunder crashes ]

So, the hubby called an audible,
and for the time being,

he will be taking the body
of your vivacious mother here.

Francine: Ow!

And we decided
to use Jeff's body

for the brain
of our beloved cat,

Mr. Poopie.

And what have you
done with Stan...

you nutcase?

Oh, nothing too bad.

I crushed up an allergy pill
into his malt liquor.

He's sleeping like
a little angel

on the upstairs Davenport.

[ Thudding ]

[ Breathing heavily, growls ]

Get your filthy hands
off my body,

you putrid oaf!

This will just take a sec.

[ Morbo screams ]

I shouldn't have
taken off with Jeff like that.

Otherwise, you wouldn't
have come here,

and you'd be safe.

Oh, Hayley,
I didn't really come for Jeff.

I came to meet Eunice.

What? Why?

Because you seem to want

to follow in her footsteps
so much.

I really never did want you
to be just like me.

But I did wanna be someone
you'd want to be like.

Oh, Mom.
You are.

There's a lot of things
about me...

that I'm glad I got from you.

Oof. Arm's cramping
from all that whipping.

[ Chuckles ]
What a putrid oaf, right?

Anywho, time to make some space

in those pretty heads
for our beautiful minds.

♪♪

[ Whirring ]

Hold hands...

while we die?

Can't.

Strapped down.

Yes, you can.

You're...

double-jointed.

Oh, yeah.

[ Bones crack ]

Oh, yeah!

♪♪

[ Bones crack ]

[ Bones crack ]

♪♪

Raaahhh!

♪♪

Mom, wake up!
Let's go!

Morbo, you beastly fool!

Attack!

[ Growls ]

Morbo! What the hell?
Why do you do what she says?

Seriously.
Wa-peesh!

Ha-ha!
Very funny.

But Morbo not "whipped", okay?

Morbo, you're quite
literally whipped,

like all the time.

What are you waiting for,
you stupid, hideous fiend?!

Get them!

[ Growls ]

[ Screams ]

[ Blows landing,
Morbo growling ]

♪♪

[ Snores ] Wha...?!

[ Both breathing heavily ]

Mom, listen.
I'm so...

Hayley, excuse me,
but I had a crazy dream

just now that made me
realize something.

I should be spending time
with my family,

not hiding away from them
in a cave.

Dad, that's not what we...
Hold on.

Wanna get Steve on speaker
for this, too.

Steve: Hey, Dad,
what's up?

I see now that a cave

is a place for a bear,
not a man.

The only kind of cave

I want to be in from now on

is a family cave.

Well, your father just
cracked open another 40,

so guess I'm driving.

You want to follow me home?

I wouldn't have it
any other way, Mom.

[ Purrs ]

♪♪

Bye! Have a great time!