American Dad! (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 7 - Into the Woods - full transcript
♪♪
Wow, you can add
a layer of cut-up hot dogs
to any sandwich on the menu.
They call it "Doggy Style."
And if you don't cut up the hot dogs,
they call that "Viagra Falls."
These names are racy.
Is that coming from corporate?
It tastes really good.
I'm not about all that razzle-dazzle.
I'll be getting turkey on bread.
Oh, the bread.
It tastes really good.
What are you gonna get, Roger?
Dead heat between the "Big Bad Beefer"
and "The Tahoe Tuna Boat."
I'm a Tuna Boat man,
but I like being sick.
Chime-in Guy, enough!
I'm talking to my friend Stan.
Right, Stan? Stan?
I see a man from my past, Roger.
A man I wronged.
So? I see men I wronged.
I also see men I haven't wronged.
I see a lot of men right now, Stan.
Is this a men's only sandwich shop?
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Stan, do you think that
guy brought that from home,
or do they sell Chinese
food in Ziploc bags here?
Wait, weren't you haunted by
the memory of that cashier?
Tommy Shuler.
We went to middle school together.
He was a bit of an outcast,
but we were friends.
One Halloween,
we trick-or-treated together.
Ooh, spooky!
- Trick or treat.
- Trick or treat.
A single Tootsie Roll for you.
And a single Tootsie Roll for you.
And a kiss for me?
MAN: Susan. We talked about this.
They're just kids, Gene!
That's my point!
- Geez, Gene!
- I love you,
but I cannot do this every Halloween!
I lost one of my finger knives.
You look around here.
I'll check back by Mendelsohns'.
Lookin' for your ween, Shuler?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, Pete. Hey, Tic Tac.
Check out this dildo trick-or-treating
all by himself.
I'm not by myself.
I'm with Stan.
No luck by Mendelsohns'.
Oh, no! The Krachowski brothers.
Smith. Oh, man.
Maybe there is someone lame enough
to trick-or-treat with this tool.
Well, how 'bout it?
You out here with Shuler?
What, that loser? No way.
[SOBS, SNIFFLES]
[CRYING]
- [LAUGHTER]
- ADULT STAN: I wasn't proud of myself,
but I was able to save face.
And I actually kept trick-or-treating.
Got a pretty good haul.
Made some great trades, too.
Parlayed three Almond
Joys into a Snickers.
But there was no joy for Tommy,
Almond or otherwise.
He went missing in the woods for days.
ROGER: That's a heavy story, Stan.
But can I ask...
why are we crawling?
I can't face him.
I ruined his life.
The man works at a sub shop.
Well, hold on a minute.
This could be a Buffett Situation.
What's a Buffett Situation?
Warren Buffett's a billionaire,
but he chooses to live
a very modest life.
Lives in a modest house,
listens to Modest Mouse.
He's a middle-of-the-road guy, Stan.
Like Tommy.
More likely than not,
he is a Buffett Situation.
Case closed.
- All right, Roger.
- Sandwich time!
♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
Are we maybe celebrating too soon?
How do you mean, Stan?
♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
I mean, we can't discount
the remote possibility
that this is not a Buffett Situation.
Uch, fine. We'll follow him
after he leaves work and find out.
In the meantime,
let's talk about who else
might be in a Buffett Situation.
My guess? Steve.
♪♪
I don't need these.
Sorry I made you stop for them.
Hyundai Elantra.
Cheap but dependable.
Thinkin' man's car.
I believe the Buffett Situation
is still in play, Stan.
He just put 20 Hungry-Man
TV dinners into his cart.
So he must have a massive family.
- You're stupid, huh?
- What?
He's shopping for one.
I'm starting to think this might not be
a Buffett Situation after all.
- Oh, shit balls.
- What happened?
I just realized I've
got a cold coming on.
- How do you know?
- Throat tickle.
Gonna grab some Airborne.
Yes, I know it does nothing.
Oh, boy.
STAN: Tandem parking.
BOTH: Vertical blinds.
Wall-to-wall carpet.
Microfiber couch.
DVD rack.
DVDs.
- Pert Plus.
- The 2-In-One?
I've seen enough.
By the way, is he deaf?
Hello?
He's not even deaf!
So, definitely not a Buffett Situation.
There's no denying it.
I destroyed his life.
I owe Tommy an apology.
It's gonna be intense.
Thank God I've got you
riding shotgun, amigo.
About that, Stan...
it's official now.
I am 100% about to get sick.
So you understand I can't
join you on this adventure.
But I need you.
I need a soundboard.
Who am I gonna talk
to about my internals?
Don't worry. I lined up some
great options to take my place.
First up, your son, Steve!
No stranger to shame,
and he's got a nice
little tummy to boot.
[LAUGHS]
Like Tommy, Hayley knows her
way around a sub sandwich.
And talk about a killer
crossover dribble.
Baller! Shot caller!
Whoa, I made it.
Up next, he's orange every day.
- KLAUS: Make way for Klaus!
- I don't want Klaus.
Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.
Francine!
You know her. You love her.
And she's got that good energy, Stan.
I guess I'll take Francine.
You won't regret this, Stan.
I'm gonna be crazy like Roger.
Well, Roger's not just crazy.
There's a lot of nuance there.
He's got the heart of a power clown.
Thank you for seeing me, Stan.
I can power clown.
We'll have to see.
♪♪
Tommy's waited his whole
life for this apology.
I need to honor that.
I know what'll help.
Forties!
TOMMY: Can I help you?
The question is... Can I heal you?
- Excuse me?
- Tommy, it's me, Stan Smith.
From Frank Stallone Middle School.
I stand before you, Tommy Shuler, to say
I'm sorry for the night I said I wasn't
trick-or-treating with you,
which ruined your life
and turned you into the
loser you are today.
Done. Apologized. So, what do you think?
Ah, you must have dreamed about
this moment for 1,000 times.
Well, it's here, Tommy. It's real.
So hit me. Do your worst.
- Let it out.
- I'm afraid...
Don't be afraid, Tommy.
...I don't remember you.
That's right. Let it flow.
You're doing great.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Wait,
what the fluh you just say?!
♪♪
[GRUNTING]
What are you doing? What is that?
Tommy doesn't remember you,
so you're off the hook.
I thought we could do some bong rips,
play some "Soulcalibur."
Wrong, Francine.
Tommy needs me more than ever.
Let's try an exercise called
"What Would Roger Say?"
Roger would say, "Tommy is..."
Gay. Have sex with him.
No. I mean... I mean yes.
He... He would probably say that.
But Roger as Dr. Penguin would say,
"Tommy is blocked."
And maybe Roger would do one
of his signature quick changes.
Voilà! I'm Dr. Glasses.
My personality. Smart.
- Ask me a question.
- What's that in your hand?
A Frito. I found it down there.
Tommy was so traumatized,
he actually erased the memory.
I need to make him remember the past
so he can move forward with his life...
so he can blast off like a rocket
headed straight for the moon.
Do you think this is a good plan,
Francine?
- Maybe.
- I'm not looking for a yes man!
[GROANS]
Are you seriously leaving?
I was gonna get you some milk.
I don't like milk.
I like pastries.
Thanks for having us, Tommy.
You kind of just... showed up.
And you're gonna be happy I did.
Do me a kindness,
fire me up a Hungry-Man.
Kitchen's just past the Ficus.
- Can I help her with s...
- Let's focus on you.
Bottom line... You're blocked, brother,
and you'll never escape
this humdrum loser life
of Pert Plus 2-In-1 until
you remember what happened.
Have you been here before?
Luckily I brought brought visual
aids to jog the old noodle.
Wondering what lies beneath
this 1980s raincoat?
Ba-boom!
My old Umbro shorts and Hypercolor tank.
Still works. Put your hand on it.
It'll change colors.
You broke my shirt, Tommy.
You owe me a new one.
What's this?
Our old scrapbook?
We'd be crazy not to take a look.
[FABRIC TEARS]
Don't look down, Tommy.
My shorts ripped,
and my dick popped out.
Francine!
You were right about the shorts.
Snag me the hand towel with the cherries
on it from the linen closet.
She should be here soon.
Whoa! Look at these bad boys!
Okay, yeah.
Now I remember.
Stand up.
I release you, Tommy Shuler.
Now go change your life.
Change the world.
Fly, eagle, fly.
Put it in the car, Francine.
I love it.
♪ I'm a good man ♪
♪ Good man Stan ♪
♪ Righting wrongs wherever I can ♪
What the [BLEEP]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Why are you still a loser?
Stan, I appreciate your interest in me,
but I'm happy here.
I'm not giving up on you, Tommy Shuler.
Is that the Big Bad Beefer?
I'm gonna take this.
This isn't a Big Bad Beefer.
NARRATOR: But it was a Big Bad Beefer.
The beef had just gotten
bunched up behind some lettuce.
"Your new life begins
with a healthy diet.
Love, Stan."
Uch, this guy!
Is heaven-sent?
Wh... What are you guys doing here?
Well, you made me a little
cross last time I saw you.
[AS JOE PESCI] You made him
a lil' cross, Tommy.
- I'm... sorry?
- No, I'm sorry.
I foolishly thought your
life would be a quick fix.
If this is about Subs Galore...
Ey! Nah-nah.
It's bigger than that.
Before we can fix this,
we gotta fix this
and this
so we can fix this.
- [HAND THUDS]
- Damn, was that your spine?
I feel like I just
slapped a Stegosaurus.
His tongue was really dry, too.
That's a good point.
You're a tough man to love, Tommy.
_
To get the job you want,
you need to dress for the job you want.
And that job is Mid-Atlantic
regional spokesman
for Kohler toilets.
You have an interview tomorrow.
- The big leagues, Tommy.
- What?
Would you look at that?
Do you know who the best
dresser in the world is, Tommy?
I don't know. You?
I wish. No.
It's every member
of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
They'd wear this.
- Where's the zoot suit?
- It wasn't appropriate.
It's a job interview, Tommy.
You gotta dress like a cartoon wolf.
[GRUNTING]
- Aah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Is she okay?
- She's power clowning.
Or so she thinks.
Oh.
You know, Stan,
I'm actually pretty excited
for this job interview.
I-It would be a big pay bump,
and if I get it, we'd be done here.
- Wouldn't we?
- [FRANCINE SCREAMING]
So thank you.
No, Tommy. You're welcome.
Tommy, I gotta say,
you'd be perfect for Kohler.
I look at your face,
and I just think, "Toilet."
Oh, stop it.
You're making me "flush."
That was a very good joke, Tommy.
Screw it. You're hired.
Uh, pardon my interruption, gentlemen,
but I'm the C.E.O. of Mitsubishi,
and I find this man very intriguing.
Would a great job with a salary of, say,
$10 million interest you?
That's an amazing offer.
Think you got to take it.
I handed you that Kohler
job on a silver platter,
- and you blew it.
- I blew it?
I had it in the bag until
you pulled that stunt.
Stunt? I-I can't.
Francine, you talk to him.
Oh, I don't know, Stan.
I'm afraid of what I might say
because I haven't been paying attention.
Enough of this. We're done.
I'm going back to Subs Galore.
No, you're not. We burned it down.
What?! Why would you do that?!
I thought you'd be happy.
I burned down your prison.
Why are you so afraid of success?
How can we overcome this?
- I got it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Stop.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm liking this.
Cookin' up something special
for you, bud.
Brain's in warp drive right now.
Stan, listen carefully.
I want you to cease all
communication with me.
Gotcha. See you real soon.
I think I'm being a good Roger.
♪♪
[GASPS]
Don't worry, it's me.
Aaaahhh!
Tommy, we're gonna relive
the night of your trauma,
but this time,
I'm gonna do the right thing.
But, Stan, why...
Are you Fat Bastard
and not Freddy Krueger?
Because of mistakes I
made at the costume store.
My God. Is that a real machete?
Zoot suit riot!
Riot!
This is a middle-school
peer pressure situation.
Be brave, Tommy.
We're about to change history.
We are 7th-grade bullies
Pete and Tic Tac Krachowski,
and we only have one question,
Stan Smith.
Very powerful stuff.
Are you with the loser, Tommy Shuler?
I am!
YOUNG MAN: Well, well, well.
What is this?
Real teen bullies. Run!
Look at this Fat Bastard loser.
And, Big Chin, are you with him?
[MOCKINGLY] Are you his friend?!
I am not.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
Tommy, I'm sorry.
My instincts just took over,
but I'll fix it.
We'll re-enact everything
again tomorrow.
This is never gonna end, is it?
Hard to tell, Tommy.
Stan! Enough!
I felt bad for you,
so I let this keep going,
but it was me who didn't stick
up for you in middle school.
- What are you talking about?
- You got the memory reversed.
That can't be.
Do you really not remember?
TIC TAC: Well, how 'bout it?
You out here with Smith?
What? That loser?
No way.
Wahhhhhhh!
[LAUGHTER]
I was the loser.
I am the loser!
Wahhhhhhhhh!
So ashamed.
So hungry.
NARRATOR:
And he was so ashamed and so hungry
because ever since he realized
he was the loser and not Tommy Shuler,
he'd been hiding in the woods,
afraid to show his loser face.
Where is this guy going?
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Something's about to happen. Shh.
Aah! I can't even catch an otter.
- What a loser.
- You're not a loser, Stan.
You're coming home with me, Stan.
[STRAINING]
[CRYING]
Whoa. Where'd you learn
to hog-tie like that?
I learned it from watching you...
Tube.
I learned it from watching YouTube.
Solid website.
♪♪
How can you be a loser?
You're an elite C.I.A. agent.
I haven't even, like,
done a C.I.A. thing
in, like, a while.
Oh, honey.
You need a hug.
From the wife of Langley's
most infamous loser?
[CRYING]
That little sucker's fast.
He ran right back into the woods.
And the woods?
Those are close.
I've been saying this for years.
The woods are super-close.
Roger?
What's causing all this fog?
ROGER: 36 humidifiers.
I got them from a Mariah
Carey estate sale.
Oh, 'cause you're sick.
Nearly sick. It's coming.
Yeah. So, Stan had
the sub guy memory reversed,
and now he keeps crying
and running into the woods.
What should I do?
Well, it appears Stan's
conflated his current self-worth
with childhood feelings of inadequacy.
You need to boost his confidence.
What if I get his
childhood friends together
to show him he's doing better than them?
- I could do a middle-school reunion!
- Okay.
[AS SQUIGGY] Hello!
Gotcha. Now tell me
where the yummy flies are.
♪♪
Am I in heaven?
I must be.
Because there's my angel suit.
Oh, no! It's you.
Stan, I'm gonna prove to
you that you're not a loser.
I organized a middle-school reunion.
Was the zoot suit just a trap?
No, it was the bait.
Because you like it.
[VOICE BREAKING] I do!
Stan, remember?
We don't seek safety
in the woods anymore.
I just like knowing where they are.
One thing's for sure...
You'll have the best-looking
lady on your arm.
Best body, maybe.
Stan.
Scotty Halas.
So, what are you up to these days?
I'm in medical supplies.
Sounds boring.
Right, Stan?
Oh, it is.
You'd think getting
acquired for $2 billion
would be exciting,
but it's all paperwork.
He's successful, Francine.
I own my own advertising agency.
I'm a former model
turned hooker for models.
I found $1 million in the woods.
The woods? Where?
It was next to the otter.
That's where I was. Aah!
It was inside the log.
But, like, a long time ago, right?
No. Just this morning.
I wasn't gonna come to the reunion
because I felt shame about my life,
but now I feel proud
because of what I achieved
in the woods earlier today.
Today!
Stan, I just wanted to
apologize again for everything.
I should apologize.
I cost you your job.
I guess we're both losers.
Uh, not exactly.
Full disclosure... I own Subs Galore.
Every location.
It's kind of a Buffett Situation.
Oh.
PETE: Look who it is, Tic Tac.
Smith, you came to your
middle-school reunion alone,
like a loser?
No. I'm here with my wife.
You mean Palmela Handerson?
- No, her.
- Wait a minute.
This smokin' hot hard body is with you?
Hey, hard body,
are you really with this loser?
That loser? No way.
[CRYING]
Stan! I'm sorry!
Come back!
Good thing I had the
tailors at Men's Wearhouse
sew a shock collar into his suit.
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZES]
- Aaahh!
They're truly the best in the business.
Stan, please say something.
TIC TAC: Hey, hard body,
are you really with this loser?
That loser? No way.
That loser? No way.
[ECHOING] That loser? No way.
That loser? No way.
Hey, hard body,
are you really with this loser?
That loser? No way.
Francine, I owe you an apology.
Y-You do?
Back there,
when I said I wasn't with you,
I actually was with you.
Ahh!
I forgive you.
Ahhh-choooo!
And so it begins.
Bye! Have a great time!
Wow, you can add
a layer of cut-up hot dogs
to any sandwich on the menu.
They call it "Doggy Style."
And if you don't cut up the hot dogs,
they call that "Viagra Falls."
These names are racy.
Is that coming from corporate?
It tastes really good.
I'm not about all that razzle-dazzle.
I'll be getting turkey on bread.
Oh, the bread.
It tastes really good.
What are you gonna get, Roger?
Dead heat between the "Big Bad Beefer"
and "The Tahoe Tuna Boat."
I'm a Tuna Boat man,
but I like being sick.
Chime-in Guy, enough!
I'm talking to my friend Stan.
Right, Stan? Stan?
I see a man from my past, Roger.
A man I wronged.
So? I see men I wronged.
I also see men I haven't wronged.
I see a lot of men right now, Stan.
Is this a men's only sandwich shop?
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Stan, do you think that
guy brought that from home,
or do they sell Chinese
food in Ziploc bags here?
Wait, weren't you haunted by
the memory of that cashier?
Tommy Shuler.
We went to middle school together.
He was a bit of an outcast,
but we were friends.
One Halloween,
we trick-or-treated together.
Ooh, spooky!
- Trick or treat.
- Trick or treat.
A single Tootsie Roll for you.
And a single Tootsie Roll for you.
And a kiss for me?
MAN: Susan. We talked about this.
They're just kids, Gene!
That's my point!
- Geez, Gene!
- I love you,
but I cannot do this every Halloween!
I lost one of my finger knives.
You look around here.
I'll check back by Mendelsohns'.
Lookin' for your ween, Shuler?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Hey, Pete. Hey, Tic Tac.
Check out this dildo trick-or-treating
all by himself.
I'm not by myself.
I'm with Stan.
No luck by Mendelsohns'.
Oh, no! The Krachowski brothers.
Smith. Oh, man.
Maybe there is someone lame enough
to trick-or-treat with this tool.
Well, how 'bout it?
You out here with Shuler?
What, that loser? No way.
[SOBS, SNIFFLES]
[CRYING]
- [LAUGHTER]
- ADULT STAN: I wasn't proud of myself,
but I was able to save face.
And I actually kept trick-or-treating.
Got a pretty good haul.
Made some great trades, too.
Parlayed three Almond
Joys into a Snickers.
But there was no joy for Tommy,
Almond or otherwise.
He went missing in the woods for days.
ROGER: That's a heavy story, Stan.
But can I ask...
why are we crawling?
I can't face him.
I ruined his life.
The man works at a sub shop.
Well, hold on a minute.
This could be a Buffett Situation.
What's a Buffett Situation?
Warren Buffett's a billionaire,
but he chooses to live
a very modest life.
Lives in a modest house,
listens to Modest Mouse.
He's a middle-of-the-road guy, Stan.
Like Tommy.
More likely than not,
he is a Buffett Situation.
Case closed.
- All right, Roger.
- Sandwich time!
♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, ohhhh! ♪
- ♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
Are we maybe celebrating too soon?
How do you mean, Stan?
♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
♪ Ohhhh, oh, ohhhh! ♪
I mean, we can't discount
the remote possibility
that this is not a Buffett Situation.
Uch, fine. We'll follow him
after he leaves work and find out.
In the meantime,
let's talk about who else
might be in a Buffett Situation.
My guess? Steve.
♪♪
I don't need these.
Sorry I made you stop for them.
Hyundai Elantra.
Cheap but dependable.
Thinkin' man's car.
I believe the Buffett Situation
is still in play, Stan.
He just put 20 Hungry-Man
TV dinners into his cart.
So he must have a massive family.
- You're stupid, huh?
- What?
He's shopping for one.
I'm starting to think this might not be
a Buffett Situation after all.
- Oh, shit balls.
- What happened?
I just realized I've
got a cold coming on.
- How do you know?
- Throat tickle.
Gonna grab some Airborne.
Yes, I know it does nothing.
Oh, boy.
STAN: Tandem parking.
BOTH: Vertical blinds.
Wall-to-wall carpet.
Microfiber couch.
DVD rack.
DVDs.
- Pert Plus.
- The 2-In-One?
I've seen enough.
By the way, is he deaf?
Hello?
He's not even deaf!
So, definitely not a Buffett Situation.
There's no denying it.
I destroyed his life.
I owe Tommy an apology.
It's gonna be intense.
Thank God I've got you
riding shotgun, amigo.
About that, Stan...
it's official now.
I am 100% about to get sick.
So you understand I can't
join you on this adventure.
But I need you.
I need a soundboard.
Who am I gonna talk
to about my internals?
Don't worry. I lined up some
great options to take my place.
First up, your son, Steve!
No stranger to shame,
and he's got a nice
little tummy to boot.
[LAUGHS]
Like Tommy, Hayley knows her
way around a sub sandwich.
And talk about a killer
crossover dribble.
Baller! Shot caller!
Whoa, I made it.
Up next, he's orange every day.
- KLAUS: Make way for Klaus!
- I don't want Klaus.
Uh-oh. Here comes trouble.
Francine!
You know her. You love her.
And she's got that good energy, Stan.
I guess I'll take Francine.
You won't regret this, Stan.
I'm gonna be crazy like Roger.
Well, Roger's not just crazy.
There's a lot of nuance there.
He's got the heart of a power clown.
Thank you for seeing me, Stan.
I can power clown.
We'll have to see.
♪♪
Tommy's waited his whole
life for this apology.
I need to honor that.
I know what'll help.
Forties!
TOMMY: Can I help you?
The question is... Can I heal you?
- Excuse me?
- Tommy, it's me, Stan Smith.
From Frank Stallone Middle School.
I stand before you, Tommy Shuler, to say
I'm sorry for the night I said I wasn't
trick-or-treating with you,
which ruined your life
and turned you into the
loser you are today.
Done. Apologized. So, what do you think?
Ah, you must have dreamed about
this moment for 1,000 times.
Well, it's here, Tommy. It's real.
So hit me. Do your worst.
- Let it out.
- I'm afraid...
Don't be afraid, Tommy.
...I don't remember you.
That's right. Let it flow.
You're doing great.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Wait,
what the fluh you just say?!
♪♪
[GRUNTING]
What are you doing? What is that?
Tommy doesn't remember you,
so you're off the hook.
I thought we could do some bong rips,
play some "Soulcalibur."
Wrong, Francine.
Tommy needs me more than ever.
Let's try an exercise called
"What Would Roger Say?"
Roger would say, "Tommy is..."
Gay. Have sex with him.
No. I mean... I mean yes.
He... He would probably say that.
But Roger as Dr. Penguin would say,
"Tommy is blocked."
And maybe Roger would do one
of his signature quick changes.
Voilà! I'm Dr. Glasses.
My personality. Smart.
- Ask me a question.
- What's that in your hand?
A Frito. I found it down there.
Tommy was so traumatized,
he actually erased the memory.
I need to make him remember the past
so he can move forward with his life...
so he can blast off like a rocket
headed straight for the moon.
Do you think this is a good plan,
Francine?
- Maybe.
- I'm not looking for a yes man!
[GROANS]
Are you seriously leaving?
I was gonna get you some milk.
I don't like milk.
I like pastries.
Thanks for having us, Tommy.
You kind of just... showed up.
And you're gonna be happy I did.
Do me a kindness,
fire me up a Hungry-Man.
Kitchen's just past the Ficus.
- Can I help her with s...
- Let's focus on you.
Bottom line... You're blocked, brother,
and you'll never escape
this humdrum loser life
of Pert Plus 2-In-1 until
you remember what happened.
Have you been here before?
Luckily I brought brought visual
aids to jog the old noodle.
Wondering what lies beneath
this 1980s raincoat?
Ba-boom!
My old Umbro shorts and Hypercolor tank.
Still works. Put your hand on it.
It'll change colors.
You broke my shirt, Tommy.
You owe me a new one.
What's this?
Our old scrapbook?
We'd be crazy not to take a look.
[FABRIC TEARS]
Don't look down, Tommy.
My shorts ripped,
and my dick popped out.
Francine!
You were right about the shorts.
Snag me the hand towel with the cherries
on it from the linen closet.
She should be here soon.
Whoa! Look at these bad boys!
Okay, yeah.
Now I remember.
Stand up.
I release you, Tommy Shuler.
Now go change your life.
Change the world.
Fly, eagle, fly.
Put it in the car, Francine.
I love it.
♪ I'm a good man ♪
♪ Good man Stan ♪
♪ Righting wrongs wherever I can ♪
What the [BLEEP]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
Why are you still a loser?
Stan, I appreciate your interest in me,
but I'm happy here.
I'm not giving up on you, Tommy Shuler.
Is that the Big Bad Beefer?
I'm gonna take this.
This isn't a Big Bad Beefer.
NARRATOR: But it was a Big Bad Beefer.
The beef had just gotten
bunched up behind some lettuce.
"Your new life begins
with a healthy diet.
Love, Stan."
Uch, this guy!
Is heaven-sent?
Wh... What are you guys doing here?
Well, you made me a little
cross last time I saw you.
[AS JOE PESCI] You made him
a lil' cross, Tommy.
- I'm... sorry?
- No, I'm sorry.
I foolishly thought your
life would be a quick fix.
If this is about Subs Galore...
Ey! Nah-nah.
It's bigger than that.
Before we can fix this,
we gotta fix this
and this
so we can fix this.
- [HAND THUDS]
- Damn, was that your spine?
I feel like I just
slapped a Stegosaurus.
His tongue was really dry, too.
That's a good point.
You're a tough man to love, Tommy.
_
To get the job you want,
you need to dress for the job you want.
And that job is Mid-Atlantic
regional spokesman
for Kohler toilets.
You have an interview tomorrow.
- The big leagues, Tommy.
- What?
Would you look at that?
Do you know who the best
dresser in the world is, Tommy?
I don't know. You?
I wish. No.
It's every member
of the Cherry Poppin' Daddies.
They'd wear this.
- Where's the zoot suit?
- It wasn't appropriate.
It's a job interview, Tommy.
You gotta dress like a cartoon wolf.
[GRUNTING]
- Aah!
- [GLASS SHATTERS]
- Is she okay?
- She's power clowning.
Or so she thinks.
Oh.
You know, Stan,
I'm actually pretty excited
for this job interview.
I-It would be a big pay bump,
and if I get it, we'd be done here.
- Wouldn't we?
- [FRANCINE SCREAMING]
So thank you.
No, Tommy. You're welcome.
Tommy, I gotta say,
you'd be perfect for Kohler.
I look at your face,
and I just think, "Toilet."
Oh, stop it.
You're making me "flush."
That was a very good joke, Tommy.
Screw it. You're hired.
Uh, pardon my interruption, gentlemen,
but I'm the C.E.O. of Mitsubishi,
and I find this man very intriguing.
Would a great job with a salary of, say,
$10 million interest you?
That's an amazing offer.
Think you got to take it.
I handed you that Kohler
job on a silver platter,
- and you blew it.
- I blew it?
I had it in the bag until
you pulled that stunt.
Stunt? I-I can't.
Francine, you talk to him.
Oh, I don't know, Stan.
I'm afraid of what I might say
because I haven't been paying attention.
Enough of this. We're done.
I'm going back to Subs Galore.
No, you're not. We burned it down.
What?! Why would you do that?!
I thought you'd be happy.
I burned down your prison.
Why are you so afraid of success?
How can we overcome this?
- I got it.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Stop.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm liking this.
Cookin' up something special
for you, bud.
Brain's in warp drive right now.
Stan, listen carefully.
I want you to cease all
communication with me.
Gotcha. See you real soon.
I think I'm being a good Roger.
♪♪
[GASPS]
Don't worry, it's me.
Aaaahhh!
Tommy, we're gonna relive
the night of your trauma,
but this time,
I'm gonna do the right thing.
But, Stan, why...
Are you Fat Bastard
and not Freddy Krueger?
Because of mistakes I
made at the costume store.
My God. Is that a real machete?
Zoot suit riot!
Riot!
This is a middle-school
peer pressure situation.
Be brave, Tommy.
We're about to change history.
We are 7th-grade bullies
Pete and Tic Tac Krachowski,
and we only have one question,
Stan Smith.
Very powerful stuff.
Are you with the loser, Tommy Shuler?
I am!
YOUNG MAN: Well, well, well.
What is this?
Real teen bullies. Run!
Look at this Fat Bastard loser.
And, Big Chin, are you with him?
[MOCKINGLY] Are you his friend?!
I am not.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
Tommy, I'm sorry.
My instincts just took over,
but I'll fix it.
We'll re-enact everything
again tomorrow.
This is never gonna end, is it?
Hard to tell, Tommy.
Stan! Enough!
I felt bad for you,
so I let this keep going,
but it was me who didn't stick
up for you in middle school.
- What are you talking about?
- You got the memory reversed.
That can't be.
Do you really not remember?
TIC TAC: Well, how 'bout it?
You out here with Smith?
What? That loser?
No way.
Wahhhhhhh!
[LAUGHTER]
I was the loser.
I am the loser!
Wahhhhhhhhh!
So ashamed.
So hungry.
NARRATOR:
And he was so ashamed and so hungry
because ever since he realized
he was the loser and not Tommy Shuler,
he'd been hiding in the woods,
afraid to show his loser face.
Where is this guy going?
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
Something's about to happen. Shh.
Aah! I can't even catch an otter.
- What a loser.
- You're not a loser, Stan.
You're coming home with me, Stan.
[STRAINING]
[CRYING]
Whoa. Where'd you learn
to hog-tie like that?
I learned it from watching you...
Tube.
I learned it from watching YouTube.
Solid website.
♪♪
How can you be a loser?
You're an elite C.I.A. agent.
I haven't even, like,
done a C.I.A. thing
in, like, a while.
Oh, honey.
You need a hug.
From the wife of Langley's
most infamous loser?
[CRYING]
That little sucker's fast.
He ran right back into the woods.
And the woods?
Those are close.
I've been saying this for years.
The woods are super-close.
Roger?
What's causing all this fog?
ROGER: 36 humidifiers.
I got them from a Mariah
Carey estate sale.
Oh, 'cause you're sick.
Nearly sick. It's coming.
Yeah. So, Stan had
the sub guy memory reversed,
and now he keeps crying
and running into the woods.
What should I do?
Well, it appears Stan's
conflated his current self-worth
with childhood feelings of inadequacy.
You need to boost his confidence.
What if I get his
childhood friends together
to show him he's doing better than them?
- I could do a middle-school reunion!
- Okay.
[AS SQUIGGY] Hello!
Gotcha. Now tell me
where the yummy flies are.
♪♪
Am I in heaven?
I must be.
Because there's my angel suit.
Oh, no! It's you.
Stan, I'm gonna prove to
you that you're not a loser.
I organized a middle-school reunion.
Was the zoot suit just a trap?
No, it was the bait.
Because you like it.
[VOICE BREAKING] I do!
Stan, remember?
We don't seek safety
in the woods anymore.
I just like knowing where they are.
One thing's for sure...
You'll have the best-looking
lady on your arm.
Best body, maybe.
Stan.
Scotty Halas.
So, what are you up to these days?
I'm in medical supplies.
Sounds boring.
Right, Stan?
Oh, it is.
You'd think getting
acquired for $2 billion
would be exciting,
but it's all paperwork.
He's successful, Francine.
I own my own advertising agency.
I'm a former model
turned hooker for models.
I found $1 million in the woods.
The woods? Where?
It was next to the otter.
That's where I was. Aah!
It was inside the log.
But, like, a long time ago, right?
No. Just this morning.
I wasn't gonna come to the reunion
because I felt shame about my life,
but now I feel proud
because of what I achieved
in the woods earlier today.
Today!
Stan, I just wanted to
apologize again for everything.
I should apologize.
I cost you your job.
I guess we're both losers.
Uh, not exactly.
Full disclosure... I own Subs Galore.
Every location.
It's kind of a Buffett Situation.
Oh.
PETE: Look who it is, Tic Tac.
Smith, you came to your
middle-school reunion alone,
like a loser?
No. I'm here with my wife.
You mean Palmela Handerson?
- No, her.
- Wait a minute.
This smokin' hot hard body is with you?
Hey, hard body,
are you really with this loser?
That loser? No way.
[CRYING]
Stan! I'm sorry!
Come back!
Good thing I had the
tailors at Men's Wearhouse
sew a shock collar into his suit.
- [ELECTRICITY BUZZES]
- Aaahh!
They're truly the best in the business.
Stan, please say something.
TIC TAC: Hey, hard body,
are you really with this loser?
That loser? No way.
That loser? No way.
[ECHOING] That loser? No way.
That loser? No way.
Hey, hard body,
are you really with this loser?
That loser? No way.
Francine, I owe you an apology.
Y-You do?
Back there,
when I said I wasn't with you,
I actually was with you.
Ahh!
I forgive you.
Ahhh-choooo!
And so it begins.
Bye! Have a great time!