American Dad! (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 5 - Tapped Out - full transcript
♪♪
What about this one, Steve?
It's got a train on it.
Oh, sick!
That's the engine!
That's the cool part.
There's a caboose on your butt flap!
For your choo-choo poo-poos!
Mom, this is baby stuff.
I'm going to go see what
the guy's section has
in the way of butt flaps.
Great, that sounds fun. Come on, Klaus.
Actually, I was thinking,
it's a new year.
Maybe it's time for a new me.
A me who picks out his own clothes.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Wow.
You must be freaking out.
Why? Sure, Steve's growing up,
but he's my son.
We'll always have a special connection.
Bullshit!
You're freaking!
Mama's little boy is becoming a guy,
and you can't handle it.
It's just the natural
order of things, Klaus.
Boys become guys.
Guys become big guys,
and big guys can get it.
[TINK!]
You're being really cool right now.
The secret to shopping at outlets
is that only the newbies
pick off the outer crust.
You've got to dig for the gems.
Put in some elbow grease.
Polo sport?
Uh, yes please.
So big. So yellow. It's a keeper!
- Mm?
- Yes!
- Mm?
- Must have!
- Mm?
- Great piece!
- Mm?
- So you!
My God, these deals are amazing.
Tell me about it.
I just got this phone for free!
Nuh-uh. Where?
That man's pocket.
STEVE: I found my new look.
I hope you like it as much as I do!
♪ Wah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Get up, come on,
get down with the sickness ♪
♪ Get up, come on,
get down with the sickness ♪
Oh, man.
And I thought I liked the train!
Mom?
Uh... I love it?
You... look like
you probably have a kid
from a previous marriage!
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
- ♪♪
- _
Are you sure about this, Steve?
As a group, we've always adhered
to a low-profile philosophy.
That's why we never make an impression!
Every semester,
people think we're transfer students.
I'm looking to turn eyeballs, fellas.
I'm talking 180 degrees...
Fahrenheit because I'm red-hot!
You guys coming?
This is your time to shine.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CONVERSATIONS STOP]
Smith!
What are you wearing?
Because it looks so incredible on you!
- Three cheers for his wonderful clothes!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Steve,
I thought you were a total slonch,
but you're hella drich.
Okay, girls, clear out.
You don't have to go to class,
but you can't block my bulletin board.
What's that for, Principal Lewis?
Audition sheet for the school play.
It doesn't really concern
low-profile kids like...
You are the star of my play!
Tapout? You're the one!
You're my Oedipus Rex!
Auditions are canceled!
Geez. What a reception.
Smith, you're going to be
the man this year.
Don't make friends with
the transfer students.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Check.
Check.
Check.
All secure.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[GASPS] Klaus!
Stop sneaking around!
But I'm the silent hero of this house.
No one asked you to do this.
Sometimes, a hero has to do the things
nobody asked him to do.
♪♪
Oh, a light.
Wow, it's gone.
I'm seeing things. Must be tired.
[GASPS] It's back!
I should call for backup.
But they won't come.
They don't exist.
I'll have to go alone.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Oh, Francine, you milky marvel.
You're a one-woman dairy farm.
Francine, what are you doing?!
- Sewing.
- No, you're not!
You have things on your boobs!
A sewing machine.
No.
Okay, it's a breast pump.
I pump a little breast milk now and then
and sneak it into Steve's food.
A little?!
You've got the pump turned all
the way up to "thirsty boy"!
Steve needs it for his health,
and it's not like I'm
doing it in the park.
No, you're doing it in a secret bunker.
A shame dungeon because
you know it's wrong!
It's completely natural.
It's just that society
doesn't understand.
Anyway, now that you know
my shameful, very natural secret,
will you please not tell Steve?
He has a lot on his plate right now.
- A lot of breast milk.
- No, really, Klaus.
I need you to promise.
He does have a lot on
his plate right now,
with his whole style
change and the school play.
Okay.
Your secret is safe with me.
See?! You have been drinking it, bro!
So gross!
Mom, why?!
With everything on my plate right now!
Aah!
♪♪
Is this turtleneck too high up?
Is it... Is it too much material?
Maybe your neck is not long enough.
Maybe you just can't rock a turtleneck.
Take that back!
I won't. It's true.
I have yet to meet the
garment that I cannot rock!
Now that I think about it,
your short neck's kind of gross.
You look nothing like a swan.
Look at me... total swan.
Duck lips, swan neck,
peacock attitude...
the full bird, Stan.
- Oh, this phone takes video?
- All phones take video.
Whatever, Stump-neck. So does mine.
Check it out!
I'm a director now!
Hazel Bazels, a documentary director.
Meet the crew.
Been on every one of my films.
When you've been to the
places we've been together,
talk about a band of brothers!
I take it you don't
need the phone anymore?
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Those scumbags tried to unionize.
Turns out Allen was
the little ringleader.
I've got nothing against unions.
My daddy was a union man...
Pipe Fitters Local 97.
But unions just don't make
sense for certain industries.
For instance, pipe fitting.
I mean, what the hell kind
of job is that, anyway?
Just go to Home Depot and match them up!
Does this one fit? No.
Does this one fit? Yes! Done!
Anyway, I'm a director now!
Good morning, Steve.
How's my little guy?
Not still mad at his mommy
for the whole breast-milk situmation!
Your first day of rehearsal today.
I want you to be ready.
I made pancakes.
I will never accept food
or drink from you again!
Is this about the
breast-milk situmation?
Yes! How could you do this to me?
I didn't do it to you. I did it for you!
I was going to stop
when everyone else did,
but I forgot to Google it!
Well, maybe you could have
Googled it before I turned 14!
It was never a good time.
First, your eyes went bad.
Next, we found out
you were allergic to bees!
Third grade took you
almost a year to complete!
I mean, who knows what would happen
if I took my breast milk away.
Thank God for this prepackaged,
not legally orange juice!
Honey, at least
let me cook you some eggs!
How do I know you didn't
lay them yourself, Mother?
♪♪
Hey, I'm Steve, your costar.
I'll be playing Oedipus.
Welcome to high-school theater.
Here's what you need to know...
We leave it all on the stage,
and after every show, we go to Denny's
and pour a bunch of sugar on the table.
Cool. I look forward
to working with you.
[YAWNS]
Wake up, Smith!
Welcome to the first rehearsal
for my musical re-imagining
of the Greek tragedy "Oedipus Rex."
Right now it's called "Oedipus Rox"
because the school board
wouldn't let me call it
"Mother[BLEEP]!"
So when choosing this year's play,
I asked myself,
"What would I like to see?"
The obvious answer is a kid
kissing another kid
who's playing his mom,
so it's kind of like
three layers of nasty.
- Smith, are you asleep?!
- Sorry.
I-I don't know what's wrong.
I-I'm just exhausted.
I only had orange juice for breakfast.
I'm kind of trying a new diet.
Interesting. I'm on a new diet myself...
I drink nothing but
Icees until 11:00 p.m.,
and then I have a gallon
and a half of jambalaya.
I've never felt better!
Also, I need this play to
be an absolute success,
so if it isn't, you're dead.
I need breast milk!
Ring-a-ding-ding.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Dispatch, I'm on the scene now.
Whoa!
[CRASH]
♪♪
[SIGHS]
Stopping the milk cold
turkey was a bad idea.
I just need a little bit,
just to get my head right.
Of course.
You have too much at stake
right now with the play.
I still want to stop,
but instead of quitting all at once,
I think we should wean me off gradually.
That's so smart.
You're not a quitter. You're a weaner.
That's right!
I am a lean, mean, weaning machine!
Wean me, mama!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, it's so nice to go
back to normal with you.
What's my documentary about?
Myself?
Am I the most interesting thing?
Roger, Linda Memari's pet chimpanzee
ripped Jeff's face off.
The doctors were able
to do a transplant,
but there was only one face available.
Please be gentle.
Come on in, honey.
Is it noticeable, babe?
For the love of God,
could one film-worthy
thing happen around here?
[BELL RINGS]
- [GRUNTS]
- All right, Smith.
You better bring the goods... or else.
♪ Oedipus' mom has got it going on ♪
♪ She's all I want and... ♪
Wait, did I say, "Mom"? I meant...
♪ Oedipus' wife,
she's the love of my life ♪
♪ There is nothing wrong ♪
♪ My wife is probably not my mom ♪
Yeah! Nailed it, Smith!
When I wrote those words,
I wasn't sure about it,
but the tune you made up
really brought it home.
♪♪
Mm-hmm.
Roger is not the only swan around here.
Turtleneck, get ready to be rocked.
Excuse me, Stan.
Cody and I are location scouting.
I think maybe the right
place could spark an idea.
What if I made a documentary
about living in a bathroom for a month?
Call it "Bathroom Man."
Okay. There's something there.
Yeah! Yeah!
I mean... I mean, maybe. I...
Cody is quiet, so I know he hates it.
Well, let's go buy some balloons.
Those things really cheer me up.
Sounds like things
went really well today.
I'll say, which got me thinking.
Since the milk does seem to
have a positive effect...
It does seem to be
having a positive effect.
Right, right?
So maybe while the play is going on,
weaning gets put on hold.
On hold, yes, because of the play!
The play is the thing,
a-and then we'll reassess.
Right! Right!
Do we wean? Do we increase the milk?
Do we reassess whether
we even need to reassess?
Ooh, that is smart,
and certainly nothing gets
decided before the play is done.
Heaven forbid.
I must fly now, Mother.
Toodeloo!
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Looks like trust has been
restored between you and Steve.
- Yeah.
- Well,
I've got something that
might set it back a bit.
_
You dosed his D so he'd
run back to your milk,
and I've got the proof!
[GRUNTS]
Ha! You think that was my only copy?
- Yes.
- You're right.
♪ So won't you please ♪
♪ Be my, be my baby ♪
♪ Be my little baby ♪
♪ My one and only baby ♪
♪ Say you'll be my darling ♪
♪ Be my, be my baby ♪
♪ Be my baby now ♪
- ♪ My one and only baby ♪
- ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I'll make you happy, baby ♪
♪ Just wait and see ♪
♪ For every kiss you give me ♪
♪ I'll give you three ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Be my, be my baby ♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[CHATTER]
Hot house tonight!
I think I see some scouts out there.
Three guys in the middle look like
they're definitely from New York.
Psst. Hey, lady!
Hey, Francine, I think that boy
is trying to get your attention.
I'll go see what he wants.
I-I-I can't do this!
Why did I ever think I could do this?
- I need some milk!
- I gave you milk.
It's all gone!
My... My... My stomach is in knots!
That's just nerves.
Or maybe I need to burp you.
I'm not a baby!
I don't need burps!
- I need breast milk!
- I didn't bring any!
Quit holding out on me.
You always have it on you.
The anticipation is peaking.
Start the play.
But, maestro,
it's five minutes until curtain!
I said start the play!
Curtain! Curtain! Curtain!
Mmm.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
- Huh?
- There's my movie!
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Yeah!
I just hope that student
with her boob out
is at least a junior or a senior.
ROGER: So you're going to live
down in the basement. Why?
Well, the town turned on us
because of their puritanical
views of breastfeeding.
Yeah. My tried to drop me off at school,
and everyone threw rocks at us.
And at the grocery store. More rocks.
It just seems like everybody is
throwing rocks at us these days.
- Don't look right at the camera!
- Roger!
If you want this film to change
people's minds about you,
we've got to make it right.
It's got to look slick!
I don't care how it looks
as long as it shows
everyone the truth...
that long-term breastfeeding
is perfectly natural.
Then we won't be pariahs,
and maybe we'll even be allowed
back up in the main house.
[BOLT CUTTERS CLANG]
That's the last one, Mr. S.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's better.
[SIGHS] What was I saying?
Oh, yeah... No freaks in the main house!
Those freaks make me sick!
Do you hear me down there, you weirdos?
Freaks! Freaks! [CHATTERING]
I guess Dad hasn't changed his mind
about banishing us to the basement.
I really hope
this documentary works, Mom.
Don't worry, Steve.
If there's one thing
your dad responds to,
it's documentary films.
- ♪♪
- _
Little Stevie, time for bed!
Nuh-uh!
- [GRUNTS]
- Cooperate, young man!
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMING]
Do we know when Roger's
movie is coming out?
Do we have a timeline on that?
If you go straight to
night-nights with no fussing,
I'll sneak up past your dad
and check in with Roger.
Okay, but can you please turn
on the white-noise machine
before you leave?
It helps me go to sleep.
[LAWNMOWER ENGINE RUMBLING]
Roger, when's your documentary
going to be done?
Ah, I see what's happening here...
You don't know I switched projects
about a month ago.
You did? Why didn't you tell me?
Have you been down to
the basement lately?
It's a real weird scene down there.
Hey, does Stan know
you're in the main house?
Are you kidding me?!
Gordon, will you run down to the bodega
and grab me some kind of yummy chip?
Actually, no, just bring me a pasta.
Bring me a pasta from
wherever you think is good.
I trusted you to tell our story!
It was just too strange, Francine,
so I pivoted to
Long-neck and Chimp-face.
- They're more relatable.
- What?!
They have an amazing
and unlikely friendship.
Stan and Jeff?!
Oh, yeah.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
You have to show people
how normal we are!
How about I show you how normal you are.
Do you like my outfit?
It's Tapout from head to toe,
except for the middle part,
which is pure Stevie skin.
FRANCINE: Stevie! Lunchtime!
♪ Old McDonald had a farm ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i... ♪ Ow!
All of his teeth are in.
♪ And on that farm, he had a... ♪
♪ Mom ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪
♪ With a milk-milk here
and a milk-milk there ♪
♪ Here a milk, there a milk,
everywhere a milk-milk ♪
Oh, my God.
We are freaks.
Maybe the rocks were right.
But, Mom, I-I need the milk!
I-I'm uncoordinated!
I'm allergic to bees!
I've got these tiny, little eyes,
and when I went off the milk,
I fell asleep in school!
Yes, about that...
That morning,
I put sizzurp in your SunnyD.
That's why I was so tired?
I guess.
And now we can go back
to our normal lives,
knowing that neither of us
was to blame for anything.
Okay.
Mother knows best.
♪♪
- Oh, no.
- I like milk!
It's my thing, and I'll never,
ever stop drinking it!
I told you guys,
keep your freak show
out of the main house!
STEVE: Mama, I'm hungry!
Well, I ruined Steve.
Francine, no.
What Steve needs is an
experience so negative
that he'll never want to suckle again.
- What do you mean?
- Taint the milk.
[GASPS] He's allergic to bees!
You're going to put bees in the milk?
Don't be an idiot, Klaus.
Why work hard when you can work easy?
[BEES BUZZING]
Mmm. Mmm.
The answer was so obvious. Mmm.
It's what any mother would do!
Yeah, girl! Solve your problems!
Eat those bees!
[SIREN WAILS]
[MONITORS BEEPING]
Milk.
I need milk.
You're awake!
Doctor, he's awake!
I'll be the judge of that.
- Ow!
- I judge that he is awake.
I need milk. I'll die without it.
No, you won't, son.
You've been in a coma,
and you haven't had a drop
of milk in almost a year.
A lot has happened in that time...
I got remarried, lost my ring again,
I rode a bike across Idaho,
and I reconnected
with my high-school
social-studies teacher,
but enough about me.
Mom, what happened?
Let's not worry about who
ate bees to poison who.
The important thing is now I realize
it's not the milk that connects us,
it's our shared tendency
to go a little cuckoo.
[SCOFFS] There you are!
You're missing the end!
ROGER: So it seems the old
adage has been proven wrong...
A long-neck and a
chimp-face can be friends,
and if there's hope for them,
who's to say there's
not hope for all of us?
Now, keep your eye out
for my next documentary,
where I dispel the old adage
that a horse-face and
a short-neck can't 69.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]
Bye-bye! See you soon!
What about this one, Steve?
It's got a train on it.
Oh, sick!
That's the engine!
That's the cool part.
There's a caboose on your butt flap!
For your choo-choo poo-poos!
Mom, this is baby stuff.
I'm going to go see what
the guy's section has
in the way of butt flaps.
Great, that sounds fun. Come on, Klaus.
Actually, I was thinking,
it's a new year.
Maybe it's time for a new me.
A me who picks out his own clothes.
[INHALES SHARPLY] Wow.
You must be freaking out.
Why? Sure, Steve's growing up,
but he's my son.
We'll always have a special connection.
Bullshit!
You're freaking!
Mama's little boy is becoming a guy,
and you can't handle it.
It's just the natural
order of things, Klaus.
Boys become guys.
Guys become big guys,
and big guys can get it.
[TINK!]
You're being really cool right now.
The secret to shopping at outlets
is that only the newbies
pick off the outer crust.
You've got to dig for the gems.
Put in some elbow grease.
Polo sport?
Uh, yes please.
So big. So yellow. It's a keeper!
- Mm?
- Yes!
- Mm?
- Must have!
- Mm?
- Great piece!
- Mm?
- So you!
My God, these deals are amazing.
Tell me about it.
I just got this phone for free!
Nuh-uh. Where?
That man's pocket.
STEVE: I found my new look.
I hope you like it as much as I do!
♪ Wah-ah-ah ♪
♪ Get up, come on,
get down with the sickness ♪
♪ Get up, come on,
get down with the sickness ♪
Oh, man.
And I thought I liked the train!
Mom?
Uh... I love it?
You... look like
you probably have a kid
from a previous marriage!
♪♪
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
- ♪♪
- _
Are you sure about this, Steve?
As a group, we've always adhered
to a low-profile philosophy.
That's why we never make an impression!
Every semester,
people think we're transfer students.
I'm looking to turn eyeballs, fellas.
I'm talking 180 degrees...
Fahrenheit because I'm red-hot!
You guys coming?
This is your time to shine.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[CONVERSATIONS STOP]
Smith!
What are you wearing?
Because it looks so incredible on you!
- Three cheers for his wonderful clothes!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Steve,
I thought you were a total slonch,
but you're hella drich.
Okay, girls, clear out.
You don't have to go to class,
but you can't block my bulletin board.
What's that for, Principal Lewis?
Audition sheet for the school play.
It doesn't really concern
low-profile kids like...
You are the star of my play!
Tapout? You're the one!
You're my Oedipus Rex!
Auditions are canceled!
Geez. What a reception.
Smith, you're going to be
the man this year.
Don't make friends with
the transfer students.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Check.
Check.
Check.
All secure.
[TOILET FLUSHES]
[GASPS] Klaus!
Stop sneaking around!
But I'm the silent hero of this house.
No one asked you to do this.
Sometimes, a hero has to do the things
nobody asked him to do.
♪♪
Oh, a light.
Wow, it's gone.
I'm seeing things. Must be tired.
[GASPS] It's back!
I should call for backup.
But they won't come.
They don't exist.
I'll have to go alone.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Oh, Francine, you milky marvel.
You're a one-woman dairy farm.
Francine, what are you doing?!
- Sewing.
- No, you're not!
You have things on your boobs!
A sewing machine.
No.
Okay, it's a breast pump.
I pump a little breast milk now and then
and sneak it into Steve's food.
A little?!
You've got the pump turned all
the way up to "thirsty boy"!
Steve needs it for his health,
and it's not like I'm
doing it in the park.
No, you're doing it in a secret bunker.
A shame dungeon because
you know it's wrong!
It's completely natural.
It's just that society
doesn't understand.
Anyway, now that you know
my shameful, very natural secret,
will you please not tell Steve?
He has a lot on his plate right now.
- A lot of breast milk.
- No, really, Klaus.
I need you to promise.
He does have a lot on
his plate right now,
with his whole style
change and the school play.
Okay.
Your secret is safe with me.
See?! You have been drinking it, bro!
So gross!
Mom, why?!
With everything on my plate right now!
Aah!
♪♪
Is this turtleneck too high up?
Is it... Is it too much material?
Maybe your neck is not long enough.
Maybe you just can't rock a turtleneck.
Take that back!
I won't. It's true.
I have yet to meet the
garment that I cannot rock!
Now that I think about it,
your short neck's kind of gross.
You look nothing like a swan.
Look at me... total swan.
Duck lips, swan neck,
peacock attitude...
the full bird, Stan.
- Oh, this phone takes video?
- All phones take video.
Whatever, Stump-neck. So does mine.
Check it out!
I'm a director now!
Hazel Bazels, a documentary director.
Meet the crew.
Been on every one of my films.
When you've been to the
places we've been together,
talk about a band of brothers!
I take it you don't
need the phone anymore?
Hey, where'd everybody go?
Those scumbags tried to unionize.
Turns out Allen was
the little ringleader.
I've got nothing against unions.
My daddy was a union man...
Pipe Fitters Local 97.
But unions just don't make
sense for certain industries.
For instance, pipe fitting.
I mean, what the hell kind
of job is that, anyway?
Just go to Home Depot and match them up!
Does this one fit? No.
Does this one fit? Yes! Done!
Anyway, I'm a director now!
Good morning, Steve.
How's my little guy?
Not still mad at his mommy
for the whole breast-milk situmation!
Your first day of rehearsal today.
I want you to be ready.
I made pancakes.
I will never accept food
or drink from you again!
Is this about the
breast-milk situmation?
Yes! How could you do this to me?
I didn't do it to you. I did it for you!
I was going to stop
when everyone else did,
but I forgot to Google it!
Well, maybe you could have
Googled it before I turned 14!
It was never a good time.
First, your eyes went bad.
Next, we found out
you were allergic to bees!
Third grade took you
almost a year to complete!
I mean, who knows what would happen
if I took my breast milk away.
Thank God for this prepackaged,
not legally orange juice!
Honey, at least
let me cook you some eggs!
How do I know you didn't
lay them yourself, Mother?
♪♪
Hey, I'm Steve, your costar.
I'll be playing Oedipus.
Welcome to high-school theater.
Here's what you need to know...
We leave it all on the stage,
and after every show, we go to Denny's
and pour a bunch of sugar on the table.
Cool. I look forward
to working with you.
[YAWNS]
Wake up, Smith!
Welcome to the first rehearsal
for my musical re-imagining
of the Greek tragedy "Oedipus Rex."
Right now it's called "Oedipus Rox"
because the school board
wouldn't let me call it
"Mother[BLEEP]!"
So when choosing this year's play,
I asked myself,
"What would I like to see?"
The obvious answer is a kid
kissing another kid
who's playing his mom,
so it's kind of like
three layers of nasty.
- Smith, are you asleep?!
- Sorry.
I-I don't know what's wrong.
I-I'm just exhausted.
I only had orange juice for breakfast.
I'm kind of trying a new diet.
Interesting. I'm on a new diet myself...
I drink nothing but
Icees until 11:00 p.m.,
and then I have a gallon
and a half of jambalaya.
I've never felt better!
Also, I need this play to
be an absolute success,
so if it isn't, you're dead.
I need breast milk!
Ring-a-ding-ding.
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Dispatch, I'm on the scene now.
Whoa!
[CRASH]
♪♪
[SIGHS]
Stopping the milk cold
turkey was a bad idea.
I just need a little bit,
just to get my head right.
Of course.
You have too much at stake
right now with the play.
I still want to stop,
but instead of quitting all at once,
I think we should wean me off gradually.
That's so smart.
You're not a quitter. You're a weaner.
That's right!
I am a lean, mean, weaning machine!
Wean me, mama!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Oh, it's so nice to go
back to normal with you.
What's my documentary about?
Myself?
Am I the most interesting thing?
Roger, Linda Memari's pet chimpanzee
ripped Jeff's face off.
The doctors were able
to do a transplant,
but there was only one face available.
Please be gentle.
Come on in, honey.
Is it noticeable, babe?
For the love of God,
could one film-worthy
thing happen around here?
[BELL RINGS]
- [GRUNTS]
- All right, Smith.
You better bring the goods... or else.
♪ Oedipus' mom has got it going on ♪
♪ She's all I want and... ♪
Wait, did I say, "Mom"? I meant...
♪ Oedipus' wife,
she's the love of my life ♪
♪ There is nothing wrong ♪
♪ My wife is probably not my mom ♪
Yeah! Nailed it, Smith!
When I wrote those words,
I wasn't sure about it,
but the tune you made up
really brought it home.
♪♪
Mm-hmm.
Roger is not the only swan around here.
Turtleneck, get ready to be rocked.
Excuse me, Stan.
Cody and I are location scouting.
I think maybe the right
place could spark an idea.
What if I made a documentary
about living in a bathroom for a month?
Call it "Bathroom Man."
Okay. There's something there.
Yeah! Yeah!
I mean... I mean, maybe. I...
Cody is quiet, so I know he hates it.
Well, let's go buy some balloons.
Those things really cheer me up.
Sounds like things
went really well today.
I'll say, which got me thinking.
Since the milk does seem to
have a positive effect...
It does seem to be
having a positive effect.
Right, right?
So maybe while the play is going on,
weaning gets put on hold.
On hold, yes, because of the play!
The play is the thing,
a-and then we'll reassess.
Right! Right!
Do we wean? Do we increase the milk?
Do we reassess whether
we even need to reassess?
Ooh, that is smart,
and certainly nothing gets
decided before the play is done.
Heaven forbid.
I must fly now, Mother.
Toodeloo!
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Looks like trust has been
restored between you and Steve.
- Yeah.
- Well,
I've got something that
might set it back a bit.
_
You dosed his D so he'd
run back to your milk,
and I've got the proof!
[GRUNTS]
Ha! You think that was my only copy?
- Yes.
- You're right.
♪ So won't you please ♪
♪ Be my, be my baby ♪
♪ Be my little baby ♪
♪ My one and only baby ♪
♪ Say you'll be my darling ♪
♪ Be my, be my baby ♪
♪ Be my baby now ♪
- ♪ My one and only baby ♪
- ♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I'll make you happy, baby ♪
♪ Just wait and see ♪
♪ For every kiss you give me ♪
♪ I'll give you three ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Be my, be my baby ♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[CHATTER]
Hot house tonight!
I think I see some scouts out there.
Three guys in the middle look like
they're definitely from New York.
Psst. Hey, lady!
Hey, Francine, I think that boy
is trying to get your attention.
I'll go see what he wants.
I-I-I can't do this!
Why did I ever think I could do this?
- I need some milk!
- I gave you milk.
It's all gone!
My... My... My stomach is in knots!
That's just nerves.
Or maybe I need to burp you.
I'm not a baby!
I don't need burps!
- I need breast milk!
- I didn't bring any!
Quit holding out on me.
You always have it on you.
The anticipation is peaking.
Start the play.
But, maestro,
it's five minutes until curtain!
I said start the play!
Curtain! Curtain! Curtain!
Mmm.
[AUDIENCE GASPS]
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm.
- Huh?
- There's my movie!
PRINCIPAL LEWIS: Yeah!
I just hope that student
with her boob out
is at least a junior or a senior.
ROGER: So you're going to live
down in the basement. Why?
Well, the town turned on us
because of their puritanical
views of breastfeeding.
Yeah. My tried to drop me off at school,
and everyone threw rocks at us.
And at the grocery store. More rocks.
It just seems like everybody is
throwing rocks at us these days.
- Don't look right at the camera!
- Roger!
If you want this film to change
people's minds about you,
we've got to make it right.
It's got to look slick!
I don't care how it looks
as long as it shows
everyone the truth...
that long-term breastfeeding
is perfectly natural.
Then we won't be pariahs,
and maybe we'll even be allowed
back up in the main house.
[BOLT CUTTERS CLANG]
That's the last one, Mr. S.
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, that's better.
[SIGHS] What was I saying?
Oh, yeah... No freaks in the main house!
Those freaks make me sick!
Do you hear me down there, you weirdos?
Freaks! Freaks! [CHATTERING]
I guess Dad hasn't changed his mind
about banishing us to the basement.
I really hope
this documentary works, Mom.
Don't worry, Steve.
If there's one thing
your dad responds to,
it's documentary films.
- ♪♪
- _
Little Stevie, time for bed!
Nuh-uh!
- [GRUNTS]
- Cooperate, young man!
- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMING]
Do we know when Roger's
movie is coming out?
Do we have a timeline on that?
If you go straight to
night-nights with no fussing,
I'll sneak up past your dad
and check in with Roger.
Okay, but can you please turn
on the white-noise machine
before you leave?
It helps me go to sleep.
[LAWNMOWER ENGINE RUMBLING]
Roger, when's your documentary
going to be done?
Ah, I see what's happening here...
You don't know I switched projects
about a month ago.
You did? Why didn't you tell me?
Have you been down to
the basement lately?
It's a real weird scene down there.
Hey, does Stan know
you're in the main house?
Are you kidding me?!
Gordon, will you run down to the bodega
and grab me some kind of yummy chip?
Actually, no, just bring me a pasta.
Bring me a pasta from
wherever you think is good.
I trusted you to tell our story!
It was just too strange, Francine,
so I pivoted to
Long-neck and Chimp-face.
- They're more relatable.
- What?!
They have an amazing
and unlikely friendship.
Stan and Jeff?!
Oh, yeah.
I hadn't thought of it that way.
You have to show people
how normal we are!
How about I show you how normal you are.
Do you like my outfit?
It's Tapout from head to toe,
except for the middle part,
which is pure Stevie skin.
FRANCINE: Stevie! Lunchtime!
♪ Old McDonald had a farm ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i... ♪ Ow!
All of his teeth are in.
♪ And on that farm, he had a... ♪
♪ Mom ♪
♪ Ee-i-ee-i-o ♪
♪ With a milk-milk here
and a milk-milk there ♪
♪ Here a milk, there a milk,
everywhere a milk-milk ♪
Oh, my God.
We are freaks.
Maybe the rocks were right.
But, Mom, I-I need the milk!
I-I'm uncoordinated!
I'm allergic to bees!
I've got these tiny, little eyes,
and when I went off the milk,
I fell asleep in school!
Yes, about that...
That morning,
I put sizzurp in your SunnyD.
That's why I was so tired?
I guess.
And now we can go back
to our normal lives,
knowing that neither of us
was to blame for anything.
Okay.
Mother knows best.
♪♪
- Oh, no.
- I like milk!
It's my thing, and I'll never,
ever stop drinking it!
I told you guys,
keep your freak show
out of the main house!
STEVE: Mama, I'm hungry!
Well, I ruined Steve.
Francine, no.
What Steve needs is an
experience so negative
that he'll never want to suckle again.
- What do you mean?
- Taint the milk.
[GASPS] He's allergic to bees!
You're going to put bees in the milk?
Don't be an idiot, Klaus.
Why work hard when you can work easy?
[BEES BUZZING]
Mmm. Mmm.
The answer was so obvious. Mmm.
It's what any mother would do!
Yeah, girl! Solve your problems!
Eat those bees!
[SIREN WAILS]
[MONITORS BEEPING]
Milk.
I need milk.
You're awake!
Doctor, he's awake!
I'll be the judge of that.
- Ow!
- I judge that he is awake.
I need milk. I'll die without it.
No, you won't, son.
You've been in a coma,
and you haven't had a drop
of milk in almost a year.
A lot has happened in that time...
I got remarried, lost my ring again,
I rode a bike across Idaho,
and I reconnected
with my high-school
social-studies teacher,
but enough about me.
Mom, what happened?
Let's not worry about who
ate bees to poison who.
The important thing is now I realize
it's not the milk that connects us,
it's our shared tendency
to go a little cuckoo.
[SCOFFS] There you are!
You're missing the end!
ROGER: So it seems the old
adage has been proven wrong...
A long-neck and a
chimp-face can be friends,
and if there's hope for them,
who's to say there's
not hope for all of us?
Now, keep your eye out
for my next documentary,
where I dispel the old adage
that a horse-face and
a short-neck can't 69.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYS]
Bye-bye! See you soon!