American Dad! (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - Cheek to Cheek: A Stripper's Story - full transcript
_
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
WOMAN: Take it off!
Oh, ladies,
get a look at that banana hammock!
Truly the sleepiest banana in the biz.
Let's wake it up.
I'm talking about boneeeeers, ladies!
How many times do I have to say this?
Stripping isn't about
taking off your clothes.
It's about...
ALL: "Making a connection."
If you want to do this for decades,
you can't just knick-knack-paddywhack
show a girl your bone.
WOMAN: [SHOUTING]
Show us your whole penis!
Trust me. You got to work the craft.
Turn ladies on, but make 'em feel safe.
Could you sew this for me.
[LAUGHING] Whoop.
Okay, Todd. Put it away!
Just leave it by my station.
Jesse, could you cover my shift Tuesday?
Of course.
I'll take all the stage time I can get
before the World Series of Strip.
Oh. You're gonna compete in that?
Yep. If I win,
I'll finally have enough
money to open my club...
Gentleman Jesse's, where exotic
dancing can be what it once was,
an art form.
Not stripping, but a place for...
chivalric cabaret.
DEEJAY:
If all y'all ladies like them big dicks,
let me hear you scream!
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
- That's my cue!
Next up, a nice man who
helps out a lot around here.
Bear with us, ladies, for... Jesse.
Why does he always say that?
[WOMEN CHEERING]
[LOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
WOMAN: Whoo! Take something off!
[FADING CHEERS]
♪♪
Show me that disco stick, cowboy.
How about I show you my soul?
WOMAN: I'm getting less horny!
- [BOOING]
- [GRUNTS]
Chivalric cabaret!
I'm okay. The dance will resume.
Just need to catch my breath. [COUGHS]
Oop, oh, that's a piece
of my spine, alright.
♪♪
_
I got to go.
[GRUNTING]
Got it.
What are you doing in my alcove?
Dug up the old NordicTrack.
Getting back into fighting shape.
[BANGING]
Well, so much for that.
But don't leave it in my alcove.
This is the only private space
in my viciously public life.
[SLURRED] You broke my NordicTrack!
- Hey, everyone.
- What happened?
Well, looks like ol' Jesse's paralyzed.
Oh, Jesse?
So now your stripper character,
who won't take off his clothes,
won't walk either?
Can't walk, Steve.
Ooh.
You should take him out
in a field and shoot him.
I'd put on shoes to see that.
Where was all this enthusiasm when Jesse
[SNIFFLES] could still dance?
No matter. Jesse's used to
having the world against him.
That's why I'll never give up on him
or his dream of opening his own club.
Oh! You could club him to death!
Uh, no.
Instead,
I'm applying for a business loan.
Just need my blueprints,
a ride in a van,
and one of you to carry
my wheelchair ramp.
A van, you say?
[CHUCKLES] We've got
just the person to help you out.
Yeah.
What these guys are saying.
[WHISPERING] You're not throwing
me under the bus, are you?
- [QUIETLY] No, Jeff.
- Oh, Jeff. Good!
Yeah, screw Jeff. Who likes Jeff?
Mom.
Do you like the outside of
things or the inside of things?
I like insides.
Well, then, do I have a treat for you.
I need 18 grand for
an exotic dance club.
Strip clubs are great investments.
It's called Gentleman Jesse's,
and it will be a place with
only classic stripping.
Clothes stay on. But it's so much more.
Picture it... Florida.
You're in Port St. Lucie
for Mets spring training.
You leave a game,
you're cruising the boardwalk
feeling good, eating smoked fish dip,
but where are you going
for male dancing? Nowhere.
Did you say "clothes stay on"?
And how! There's dancing, singing,
dinner done tableside.
Steak Dianes for $5.99,
the way it should be.
- [LOUD THUD]
- [GASPS]
Free valet. Antique phones everywhere,
inspired by the old phone
cafes of yesteryear.
We have a summer movie
series on the rooftop.
Apartments upstairs where guys can board
until they get settled!
Normally there would be music here.
What I'm saying is...
the word "strip" comes from "stropen...
to plunder."
And we've plundered our innocence.
But Gentleman Jesse's is a
place we ache to go back to,
a place where we know we're loved,
a place to call yours.
Are you talking about chivalric cabaret?
Why, they warn us against that on
the first day of banker school!
Get out!
Dolores! Send in my next appointment!
It better be good!
Clear out.
I want to open a gym.
Oh, yeah!
The big bills, Dolores.
The big bills!
♪♪
- Hey, Steve.
- Aah!
Why are you in here?
Were you going through my stuff?
A bit, but mainly I'm here
about my alcove.
My space is totally disrespected.
Now, I found an unused doghouse
in the woods,
and [INHALES] would you grant me
a small plot in your
room where I can put it?
Ugh, I don't know, Klaus.
Please?
[SIGHS]
Okay, okay, fine.
Really?!
Yeah. Put it in the corner.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jurgen, he said yes!
JURGEN: Yeah!
[BACK-UP ALARM BEEPING]
This dog house is made of plastic.
Why did Jurgen have to use that crane?
Look, I can literally
lift it with one hand.
I'm sorry that didn't go well, Jesse.
I can't dance.
I don't have the money to open my club.
And that man laughed at me.
They say no one can
make you feel inferior
without your consent.
Well, I consent! I consent!
And now this?
[COCKS GUN]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I can fix it.
Better keep a few feet back
while the car is jacked up, to be safe.
How chivalrous of you.
I'll just keep this up here
in case something goes wrong.
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS]
Don't want to get oil on my hands.
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
[MOANS]
♪♪
[MOANS]
♪♪
What talent.
He can be my protégé.
He can dance at the
World Series of Strip.
He can win the prize money.
He can give the money to me!
I know how I'm gonna open the club!
- How?
- Through you!
You'll be the one to help
bring my dream to life.
You want me to help you with your dream?
I'd be so honored!
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my God!
I forgot I was holding that thing!
Oh, boy.
Oh, that was intense.
[CHUCKLES] Caught me off guard.
Whew. Okay, okay.
It's okay. We're okay.
Bring it in, buddy.
Okay, now fix the tire again.
- _
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
Well, Jeff, a lot's happened
since that bank parking lot.
You began learning my
classical stripping form.
We picked 10 amateur
events to compete in
so we can qualify for the
World Series of Strip,
and Linda Memari passed away.
DEEJAY: You ladies ready for more men?!
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
- Okay, Jeff, this is the first step
toward winning the money
to open Gentlemen Jesse's.
Just go out and make a...
- Connection.
- Yes.
- You ready?
- Connection.
You are in the zone right now!
Confection.
Huh? What?
Next up... Jeff!
[APPLAUSE]
[THE MOODY BLUES'
"NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN" PLAYS]
♪♪
♪ Nights in white satin ♪
He's connecting!
Now I understand what he meant
when he said "confection."
A sweet connection. The kid's a natural!
Is he too good? Is he outshining me?
Do I need to take him down?
[COCKS GUN]
- No. He's the one.
- [UNCOCKS GUN]
The one to make chivalric
cabaret huge again.
And these Oklahoma women in denim shorts
are the perfect audience.
[WOMEN BOOING, HISSING]
Did I do something wrong?
No, Jeff. Ramp.
It's these times we live in.
Men used to lie on their
boners till they went away.
Now they're pointing them around,
giving directions with them.
So you're saying I should
take off all my clothes
like the other guys.
Huh? No,
I'm saying we should trust the process.
We make a few tweaks,
lean more on the glove work,
and people will catch on soon.
- [WOMEN BOOING, HISSING]
- Perverts! Ramp.
- [WOMEN BOOING, HISSING]
- Hicks! Ramp.
You no-good, mouth-breathing...
ramp, Jeff!
Ramp!
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
He did what?!
Bro, friends don't do things like that.
- [SIGHS]
- He's toxic.
You should cut him out of your life.
Alright. Talk later, Toshi.
Boy, what a day.
Yeah, listen,
I got a chapter of pre-calc left, so...
I hear that. I'm just gonna do
a spliff and play Rock Band.
I'll put the headphones on
so you won't hear a thing.
[LIGHTER FLICKS, PAPER BURNS]
[MOANING]
The vector "r" has magnitude "5",
and direction angle...
- [TAPPING]
- Klaus?
[SIGHS] The vector "r" has magnitude...
One and two and one and two.
- Klaus?
- Three and one, again, again...
Klaus, please!
- [SCATTING]
- Klaus?!
For the love of God, will you shut up?!
Steve, please. I need to concentrate.
I'm trying to play
"Hot For Teacher" on expert.
[LIGHTER FLICKS, PAPER BURNS]
[MOANING]
[SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS]
♪♪
Should I have told Haley about this?
What? Sorry, I... I just...
I just had, like,
the most incredible idea
- for Gentleman Jesse's.
- What is it?
I'm thinking the name
should have two J's.
I could see that!
And what if the sign had,
like, a dolphin on it?
Oh, my God, that's perfect.
Really? You think so?
- That looks amazing!
- It should.
It's the finished design.
Building on that, I have another idea.
What if we threw a few actual
stripper moves in my routine?
You know, so we don't get booed
all the time and turned down for loans.
Oh, that's a great idea, Jeff.
We should dumb down and
dirty up our routine.
Oh, and going off that,
why don't we just 69
anyone who buys two drinks?
[GRUNTING]
Get over here and flip this table
for me, you sleaze ball!
[SIGHS]
He's got this vision of stripping,
but I just don't think
people want to see it.
And I know he's paralyzed...
well, 90% sure.
It's tough to tell what's
real with him sometimes.
Hey, schmuck face.
Your credit card was declined.
If you don't come up with some
cash quick, you're out of here.
[YELPS]
_
Hold this.
♪ People walk in,
and then they walk out ♪
♪ Guess that's what motels are about ♪
[LOUD BASS]
I'd like to try stripping.
Absolutely. Right this way.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
♪♪
[WOMEN BOOING]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
♪♪
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
♪♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Uh, what... what are you doing in here?
Klaus doesn't let me smoke inside.
Shoshanna!
Are we gonna watch this porn or what?
Oh, Steve. I see you met my girl.
I didn't know you were going
to be having visitors over.
We'll get out of your hair.
So what do you think of Steve?
I don't like him.
$268 million Super Lotto winner? Me?
[GASPS] Oh, thank God!
It was just a dream.
Jeff?
[WOMEN CHEERING]
♪♪
- [WOMEN CHANTING "JEFF"]
- Jeff?! Jeff?!
Jeff?! Jeff?!
I'm looking for Jeff!
I hear his name being chanted.
Maybe he came for extra rehearsal
and the crowd is finally
starting to understand
what we're trying to do.
[GASPS]
I want my face in this guy's...
Taint! You've tainted yourself!
I thought I was helping.
I got us all this money.
Money?!
You thought this was about money!
Money?! Ha!
Where is your precious money now,
you hack?!
I am not a hack!
Everything I've done
has been for your idea
that everyone else thinks is stupid!
Not everyone!
Not... Stan.
Stan? Why would you say him first?!
Doesn't matter. You don't matter.
I'll find a new protégé to
win the World Series of Strip
and open Gentleman Jesse's myself!
Well, I have the opposite plan.
I'll win, and I'll keep the money.
You're on! And that's not
exactly the opposite plan!
Well, it's a little different!
I'll show you different!
Pretty different, right?
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
Next time you want to
call something different,
think about whether it
passes the hat test.
You seem so stupid to me right now.
_
_
Welcome to the World Series of Strip.
I just need your name to check in.
Oops. Butterfingers. [CHUCKLES]
Allow me.
Kermit the Hog.
[POPS]
Uh...
Oh, so you're not going
to drop the pen for me?
Drop it.
Allow me.
[GRUNTS]
Hello, Jeffrey.
How awkward for you catching me
in the middle of seducing this woman.
Hey, Roger.
Can I help you up?
You wish. You've been replaced.
I have a new protégé,
ready to perform and win tonight.
Honestly, it's been pure magic
seeing him soak up my
craft with such passion.
Hey, Jesse, so I'm gonna quit.
What?! Nate, why?!
Finally got the call
from the big show...
Enterprise Rental Car.
Front desk. Greenville, North Carolina.
I hope we haven't shaken
your confidence too much.
[KLAUS SCREAMING, GLASS BREAKING]
KLAUS: I feel like you're
just with me for my house!
I'm 40 years old!
I want a man who can provide!
Someone call in a noise complaint?
- They think you're a bum!
- Yes! Right there!
They've been at it all night long!
So you've been hanging out
on their lawn all night?
It's not their lawn, it's my room!
Aggression!
[SCREAMS]
[BOTH PANTING]
Great instincts.
Let's book him.
♪♪
You got a nice side-to-side, J Dog.
But what I like to do is [GRUNTS LOUDLY]
And then, [GRUNTS LOUDLY]
And it's fun to do the
[GRUNTS LOUDLY] right?
ROGER:
What do you mean I can't complete?!
I don't need to use the pole!
All I need to turn a woman on
are these two peepers
and a bolt of lace!
Okay. Out we go.
[SCOFFS] That weirdo's dream
is to open a strip club where
you don't even show your balls.
We got way better dreams.
Clint, say yours.
A Kawasaki.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
And what's yours, Brigham?
Oh, just, like, feelin' good
all the time and never feelin' pain,
never gettin' sad.
- Oh, yeah.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
Wow, you guys have amazing dreams.
What's your dream, Jeff?
Mine?
I guess I... never really had one.
[CHUCKLES] You should get one.
They're totally awesome.
Kawasaki!
[IMITATING MOTORCYCLES]
Vrooom!
Let's hear it for the
mysterious sexy mouse!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Who is it?! Why is he doing this?!
Next up, let's hear it for Jeff!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SULTRY TECHNO PLAYS]
Boo! Boo!
Sir, you have to show these
big-dicked dancers some respect.
Why? They never showed me any respect!
Boo! Boo!
That's it. You're out of here.
[WHINES]
♪♪
DEEJAY: Hmm, off to a slow start.
Could be a little
delaaayed gratifica-tionnn.
Maybe I do have a dream. Jesse's dream.
♪ I've seen you shine so bright ♪
What?
- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
- What's this?
I feel so seduced, yet so... safe.
♪ I've never seen so many men
ask you if you wanted to dance ♪
WOMAN: Let's go, take something off!
I don't think they like it.
- You shouldn't do this here.
- ♪ Given half a chance ♪
Then let's go somewhere else.
Connectionnnnn...
♪ Or the highlights in your
hair that catch your eyes ♪
♪ I have been blind ♪
♪ The lady in red ♪
♪ Is dancing with me ♪
♪ Cheek to cheek ♪
♪ There's nobody here ♪
Stan! You made it!
No place I'd rather be.
Jesse, I only have one suggestion.
- What's that?
- Never close this place.
Oh, stop!
[LAUGHS] You stop!
You're too much.
No, stop now!
You are ruining this! Just stop it!
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
Jeff, what happened back there?
I just wanted to say thanks.
Well, you're welcome, of course,
but what for, exactly?
For letting me be part of your dream.
I've never had one.
And I'd rather see yours through,
no matter how dumb it is,
and it is dumb, than never dream at all.
That means a lot, Jeff.
Even though it felt like an insult.
I guess we aren't
getting that prize money.
Not likely, but ol' Jesse
might have one crazy idea left.
And they threw things and shouted!
And that stage most certainly
was not wheelchair accessible,
which is a law!
And I want a buncha money!
I'll give you 50 bucks to piss off.
Deal! Hot dog!
What the hell? You can walk?
ROGER: Hell yeah!
Get the 50 bucks from that dipshit
and meet me at "The Golden Girls"
slots by the bottom of the stairs.
- Aah!
- [THUDDING DOWN STAIRS]
Ooh! Nngh! Ow! Aah! Ow! Ah! Ahh! Nngh!
[GROANS]
Oh, God, I can't walk.
This is for real.
Is that wonderful man
still giving out money?
And please tell me you
didn't throw out the ramp.
Oh, thank God. Thank sweet heavenly...
No! No!
- You can't take my...
- Shh.
It's already done, it's already done.
Please, eat.
Steve! I see you've met Gevorg!
Bye-bye! See you soon!
[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS]
WOMAN: Take it off!
Oh, ladies,
get a look at that banana hammock!
Truly the sleepiest banana in the biz.
Let's wake it up.
I'm talking about boneeeeers, ladies!
How many times do I have to say this?
Stripping isn't about
taking off your clothes.
It's about...
ALL: "Making a connection."
If you want to do this for decades,
you can't just knick-knack-paddywhack
show a girl your bone.
WOMAN: [SHOUTING]
Show us your whole penis!
Trust me. You got to work the craft.
Turn ladies on, but make 'em feel safe.
Could you sew this for me.
[LAUGHING] Whoop.
Okay, Todd. Put it away!
Just leave it by my station.
Jesse, could you cover my shift Tuesday?
Of course.
I'll take all the stage time I can get
before the World Series of Strip.
Oh. You're gonna compete in that?
Yep. If I win,
I'll finally have enough
money to open my club...
Gentleman Jesse's, where exotic
dancing can be what it once was,
an art form.
Not stripping, but a place for...
chivalric cabaret.
DEEJAY:
If all y'all ladies like them big dicks,
let me hear you scream!
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
- That's my cue!
Next up, a nice man who
helps out a lot around here.
Bear with us, ladies, for... Jesse.
Why does he always say that?
[WOMEN CHEERING]
[LOW-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
WOMAN: Whoo! Take something off!
[FADING CHEERS]
♪♪
Show me that disco stick, cowboy.
How about I show you my soul?
WOMAN: I'm getting less horny!
- [BOOING]
- [GRUNTS]
Chivalric cabaret!
I'm okay. The dance will resume.
Just need to catch my breath. [COUGHS]
Oop, oh, that's a piece
of my spine, alright.
♪♪
_
I got to go.
[GRUNTING]
Got it.
What are you doing in my alcove?
Dug up the old NordicTrack.
Getting back into fighting shape.
[BANGING]
Well, so much for that.
But don't leave it in my alcove.
This is the only private space
in my viciously public life.
[SLURRED] You broke my NordicTrack!
- Hey, everyone.
- What happened?
Well, looks like ol' Jesse's paralyzed.
Oh, Jesse?
So now your stripper character,
who won't take off his clothes,
won't walk either?
Can't walk, Steve.
Ooh.
You should take him out
in a field and shoot him.
I'd put on shoes to see that.
Where was all this enthusiasm when Jesse
[SNIFFLES] could still dance?
No matter. Jesse's used to
having the world against him.
That's why I'll never give up on him
or his dream of opening his own club.
Oh! You could club him to death!
Uh, no.
Instead,
I'm applying for a business loan.
Just need my blueprints,
a ride in a van,
and one of you to carry
my wheelchair ramp.
A van, you say?
[CHUCKLES] We've got
just the person to help you out.
Yeah.
What these guys are saying.
[WHISPERING] You're not throwing
me under the bus, are you?
- [QUIETLY] No, Jeff.
- Oh, Jeff. Good!
Yeah, screw Jeff. Who likes Jeff?
Mom.
Do you like the outside of
things or the inside of things?
I like insides.
Well, then, do I have a treat for you.
I need 18 grand for
an exotic dance club.
Strip clubs are great investments.
It's called Gentleman Jesse's,
and it will be a place with
only classic stripping.
Clothes stay on. But it's so much more.
Picture it... Florida.
You're in Port St. Lucie
for Mets spring training.
You leave a game,
you're cruising the boardwalk
feeling good, eating smoked fish dip,
but where are you going
for male dancing? Nowhere.
Did you say "clothes stay on"?
And how! There's dancing, singing,
dinner done tableside.
Steak Dianes for $5.99,
the way it should be.
- [LOUD THUD]
- [GASPS]
Free valet. Antique phones everywhere,
inspired by the old phone
cafes of yesteryear.
We have a summer movie
series on the rooftop.
Apartments upstairs where guys can board
until they get settled!
Normally there would be music here.
What I'm saying is...
the word "strip" comes from "stropen...
to plunder."
And we've plundered our innocence.
But Gentleman Jesse's is a
place we ache to go back to,
a place where we know we're loved,
a place to call yours.
Are you talking about chivalric cabaret?
Why, they warn us against that on
the first day of banker school!
Get out!
Dolores! Send in my next appointment!
It better be good!
Clear out.
I want to open a gym.
Oh, yeah!
The big bills, Dolores.
The big bills!
♪♪
- Hey, Steve.
- Aah!
Why are you in here?
Were you going through my stuff?
A bit, but mainly I'm here
about my alcove.
My space is totally disrespected.
Now, I found an unused doghouse
in the woods,
and [INHALES] would you grant me
a small plot in your
room where I can put it?
Ugh, I don't know, Klaus.
Please?
[SIGHS]
Okay, okay, fine.
Really?!
Yeah. Put it in the corner.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Jurgen, he said yes!
JURGEN: Yeah!
[BACK-UP ALARM BEEPING]
This dog house is made of plastic.
Why did Jurgen have to use that crane?
Look, I can literally
lift it with one hand.
I'm sorry that didn't go well, Jesse.
I can't dance.
I don't have the money to open my club.
And that man laughed at me.
They say no one can
make you feel inferior
without your consent.
Well, I consent! I consent!
And now this?
[COCKS GUN]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I can fix it.
Better keep a few feet back
while the car is jacked up, to be safe.
How chivalrous of you.
I'll just keep this up here
in case something goes wrong.
[SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS]
Don't want to get oil on my hands.
♪♪
[GRUNTS]
[MOANS]
♪♪
[MOANS]
♪♪
What talent.
He can be my protégé.
He can dance at the
World Series of Strip.
He can win the prize money.
He can give the money to me!
I know how I'm gonna open the club!
- How?
- Through you!
You'll be the one to help
bring my dream to life.
You want me to help you with your dream?
I'd be so honored!
- [SCREAMS]
- Oh, my God!
I forgot I was holding that thing!
Oh, boy.
Oh, that was intense.
[CHUCKLES] Caught me off guard.
Whew. Okay, okay.
It's okay. We're okay.
Bring it in, buddy.
Okay, now fix the tire again.
- _
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
Well, Jeff, a lot's happened
since that bank parking lot.
You began learning my
classical stripping form.
We picked 10 amateur
events to compete in
so we can qualify for the
World Series of Strip,
and Linda Memari passed away.
DEEJAY: You ladies ready for more men?!
- [WOMEN CHEERING]
- Okay, Jeff, this is the first step
toward winning the money
to open Gentlemen Jesse's.
Just go out and make a...
- Connection.
- Yes.
- You ready?
- Connection.
You are in the zone right now!
Confection.
Huh? What?
Next up... Jeff!
[APPLAUSE]
[THE MOODY BLUES'
"NIGHTS IN WHITE SATIN" PLAYS]
♪♪
♪ Nights in white satin ♪
He's connecting!
Now I understand what he meant
when he said "confection."
A sweet connection. The kid's a natural!
Is he too good? Is he outshining me?
Do I need to take him down?
[COCKS GUN]
- No. He's the one.
- [UNCOCKS GUN]
The one to make chivalric
cabaret huge again.
And these Oklahoma women in denim shorts
are the perfect audience.
[WOMEN BOOING, HISSING]
Did I do something wrong?
No, Jeff. Ramp.
It's these times we live in.
Men used to lie on their
boners till they went away.
Now they're pointing them around,
giving directions with them.
So you're saying I should
take off all my clothes
like the other guys.
Huh? No,
I'm saying we should trust the process.
We make a few tweaks,
lean more on the glove work,
and people will catch on soon.
- [WOMEN BOOING, HISSING]
- Perverts! Ramp.
- [WOMEN BOOING, HISSING]
- Hicks! Ramp.
You no-good, mouth-breathing...
ramp, Jeff!
Ramp!
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
He did what?!
Bro, friends don't do things like that.
- [SIGHS]
- He's toxic.
You should cut him out of your life.
Alright. Talk later, Toshi.
Boy, what a day.
Yeah, listen,
I got a chapter of pre-calc left, so...
I hear that. I'm just gonna do
a spliff and play Rock Band.
I'll put the headphones on
so you won't hear a thing.
[LIGHTER FLICKS, PAPER BURNS]
[MOANING]
The vector "r" has magnitude "5",
and direction angle...
- [TAPPING]
- Klaus?
[SIGHS] The vector "r" has magnitude...
One and two and one and two.
- Klaus?
- Three and one, again, again...
Klaus, please!
- [SCATTING]
- Klaus?!
For the love of God, will you shut up?!
Steve, please. I need to concentrate.
I'm trying to play
"Hot For Teacher" on expert.
[LIGHTER FLICKS, PAPER BURNS]
[MOANING]
[SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPS]
♪♪
Should I have told Haley about this?
What? Sorry, I... I just...
I just had, like,
the most incredible idea
- for Gentleman Jesse's.
- What is it?
I'm thinking the name
should have two J's.
I could see that!
And what if the sign had,
like, a dolphin on it?
Oh, my God, that's perfect.
Really? You think so?
- That looks amazing!
- It should.
It's the finished design.
Building on that, I have another idea.
What if we threw a few actual
stripper moves in my routine?
You know, so we don't get booed
all the time and turned down for loans.
Oh, that's a great idea, Jeff.
We should dumb down and
dirty up our routine.
Oh, and going off that,
why don't we just 69
anyone who buys two drinks?
[GRUNTING]
Get over here and flip this table
for me, you sleaze ball!
[SIGHS]
He's got this vision of stripping,
but I just don't think
people want to see it.
And I know he's paralyzed...
well, 90% sure.
It's tough to tell what's
real with him sometimes.
Hey, schmuck face.
Your credit card was declined.
If you don't come up with some
cash quick, you're out of here.
[YELPS]
_
Hold this.
♪ People walk in,
and then they walk out ♪
♪ Guess that's what motels are about ♪
[LOUD BASS]
I'd like to try stripping.
Absolutely. Right this way.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
♪♪
[WOMEN BOOING]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
[WOMEN CHEERING]
♪♪
[LAUGHTER, CHEERING]
♪♪
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
Uh, what... what are you doing in here?
Klaus doesn't let me smoke inside.
Shoshanna!
Are we gonna watch this porn or what?
Oh, Steve. I see you met my girl.
I didn't know you were going
to be having visitors over.
We'll get out of your hair.
So what do you think of Steve?
I don't like him.
$268 million Super Lotto winner? Me?
[GASPS] Oh, thank God!
It was just a dream.
Jeff?
[WOMEN CHEERING]
♪♪
- [WOMEN CHANTING "JEFF"]
- Jeff?! Jeff?!
Jeff?! Jeff?!
I'm looking for Jeff!
I hear his name being chanted.
Maybe he came for extra rehearsal
and the crowd is finally
starting to understand
what we're trying to do.
[GASPS]
I want my face in this guy's...
Taint! You've tainted yourself!
I thought I was helping.
I got us all this money.
Money?!
You thought this was about money!
Money?! Ha!
Where is your precious money now,
you hack?!
I am not a hack!
Everything I've done
has been for your idea
that everyone else thinks is stupid!
Not everyone!
Not... Stan.
Stan? Why would you say him first?!
Doesn't matter. You don't matter.
I'll find a new protégé to
win the World Series of Strip
and open Gentleman Jesse's myself!
Well, I have the opposite plan.
I'll win, and I'll keep the money.
You're on! And that's not
exactly the opposite plan!
Well, it's a little different!
I'll show you different!
Pretty different, right?
- Yeah.
- Exactly.
Next time you want to
call something different,
think about whether it
passes the hat test.
You seem so stupid to me right now.
_
_
Welcome to the World Series of Strip.
I just need your name to check in.
Oops. Butterfingers. [CHUCKLES]
Allow me.
Kermit the Hog.
[POPS]
Uh...
Oh, so you're not going
to drop the pen for me?
Drop it.
Allow me.
[GRUNTS]
Hello, Jeffrey.
How awkward for you catching me
in the middle of seducing this woman.
Hey, Roger.
Can I help you up?
You wish. You've been replaced.
I have a new protégé,
ready to perform and win tonight.
Honestly, it's been pure magic
seeing him soak up my
craft with such passion.
Hey, Jesse, so I'm gonna quit.
What?! Nate, why?!
Finally got the call
from the big show...
Enterprise Rental Car.
Front desk. Greenville, North Carolina.
I hope we haven't shaken
your confidence too much.
[KLAUS SCREAMING, GLASS BREAKING]
KLAUS: I feel like you're
just with me for my house!
I'm 40 years old!
I want a man who can provide!
Someone call in a noise complaint?
- They think you're a bum!
- Yes! Right there!
They've been at it all night long!
So you've been hanging out
on their lawn all night?
It's not their lawn, it's my room!
Aggression!
[SCREAMS]
[BOTH PANTING]
Great instincts.
Let's book him.
♪♪
You got a nice side-to-side, J Dog.
But what I like to do is [GRUNTS LOUDLY]
And then, [GRUNTS LOUDLY]
And it's fun to do the
[GRUNTS LOUDLY] right?
ROGER:
What do you mean I can't complete?!
I don't need to use the pole!
All I need to turn a woman on
are these two peepers
and a bolt of lace!
Okay. Out we go.
[SCOFFS] That weirdo's dream
is to open a strip club where
you don't even show your balls.
We got way better dreams.
Clint, say yours.
A Kawasaki.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
And what's yours, Brigham?
Oh, just, like, feelin' good
all the time and never feelin' pain,
never gettin' sad.
- Oh, yeah.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
Wow, you guys have amazing dreams.
What's your dream, Jeff?
Mine?
I guess I... never really had one.
[CHUCKLES] You should get one.
They're totally awesome.
Kawasaki!
[IMITATING MOTORCYCLES]
Vrooom!
Let's hear it for the
mysterious sexy mouse!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Who is it?! Why is he doing this?!
Next up, let's hear it for Jeff!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[SULTRY TECHNO PLAYS]
Boo! Boo!
Sir, you have to show these
big-dicked dancers some respect.
Why? They never showed me any respect!
Boo! Boo!
That's it. You're out of here.
[WHINES]
♪♪
DEEJAY: Hmm, off to a slow start.
Could be a little
delaaayed gratifica-tionnn.
Maybe I do have a dream. Jesse's dream.
♪ I've seen you shine so bright ♪
What?
- ♪ Mm-hmm ♪
- What's this?
I feel so seduced, yet so... safe.
♪ I've never seen so many men
ask you if you wanted to dance ♪
WOMAN: Let's go, take something off!
I don't think they like it.
- You shouldn't do this here.
- ♪ Given half a chance ♪
Then let's go somewhere else.
Connectionnnnn...
♪ Or the highlights in your
hair that catch your eyes ♪
♪ I have been blind ♪
♪ The lady in red ♪
♪ Is dancing with me ♪
♪ Cheek to cheek ♪
♪ There's nobody here ♪
Stan! You made it!
No place I'd rather be.
Jesse, I only have one suggestion.
- What's that?
- Never close this place.
Oh, stop!
[LAUGHS] You stop!
You're too much.
No, stop now!
You are ruining this! Just stop it!
[AUDIENCE BOOS]
Jeff, what happened back there?
I just wanted to say thanks.
Well, you're welcome, of course,
but what for, exactly?
For letting me be part of your dream.
I've never had one.
And I'd rather see yours through,
no matter how dumb it is,
and it is dumb, than never dream at all.
That means a lot, Jeff.
Even though it felt like an insult.
I guess we aren't
getting that prize money.
Not likely, but ol' Jesse
might have one crazy idea left.
And they threw things and shouted!
And that stage most certainly
was not wheelchair accessible,
which is a law!
And I want a buncha money!
I'll give you 50 bucks to piss off.
Deal! Hot dog!
What the hell? You can walk?
ROGER: Hell yeah!
Get the 50 bucks from that dipshit
and meet me at "The Golden Girls"
slots by the bottom of the stairs.
- Aah!
- [THUDDING DOWN STAIRS]
Ooh! Nngh! Ow! Aah! Ow! Ah! Ahh! Nngh!
[GROANS]
Oh, God, I can't walk.
This is for real.
Is that wonderful man
still giving out money?
And please tell me you
didn't throw out the ramp.
Oh, thank God. Thank sweet heavenly...
No! No!
- You can't take my...
- Shh.
It's already done, it's already done.
Please, eat.
Steve! I see you've met Gevorg!
Bye-bye! See you soon!