American Dad! (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 21 - Dammmm, Stan! - full transcript

I have a good feeling
about this.

I think fly fishing
may have what it takes

to be our new couples' activity.

Jury's still out on the fishing,
but I will say, it was

pretty awesome hitting that
squirrel on the drive up here.

Ooh! I think I got one!

Beginner's luck.

Beat it!
Your kind isn't wanted here!

Don't worry, Stan.
You'll get one.

Ooh, ooh! I got one, too!

Oh, it's really fighting me,
Francine.



Did it hurt your balls
when you reeled yours in?

Stan, I think
it's just stuck on your...

Oh, it got away!

But, oh-ho-ho! It was a big one!

42 waist. Same size as me.

I'm gonna ask him
where he buys his pants.

It was quiet down there.
Really gave me time to think.

I realize now...

it was my underwear.

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *



- * Good... *
- * Good morning, U.S.A. *

Aah!

* Good morning, U.S.A. *

**

Mm-mmm! This trout's delicious!

So good!

I like to take
a big bite of fish...

and then a big sip of milk...

and then swish it all together
in my mouth like this.

Ahh! It's like
trouted milk balls.

So it seems like fly fishing
was a success?

It was wonderful.

So beautiful and peaceful
out there.

Yes, but we're obviously
never doing it again.

That was an audition
for a couples' activity,

and it failed.

The couple tried it,
the couple didn't like it,

and now the couple will...

* Put it on the boarrrd *

This isn't
a couples' rejection board!

It's just a list of things
we did that you didn't like.

I'm not changing the sign,
Francine.

We only tried
all these things once!

Can't we give fly fishing
another chance?

No. W-Why can't we give

Couples' Loan Sharking
another chance?

Because the mob came after us

for stepping on their turf,
remember?!

They broke your wrist!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
they were right to do that.

I was not getting the picture.

Please, Stan.
I really loved fly fishing.

You know I can't say no
to those beautiful black pupils.

Let's give it another shot.

Hey. "Steve's dance recitals"?

I thought you stopped coming
because you didn't want

to give me performance anxiety?

That was a lie. We were bored

and couldn't relate
to your passion.

**

The upstairs toilet
is overflowing,

and the goddamn plunger is never
where it's supposed to be!

Ugh!

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

You crunched my nose!

And... W-Where's your tooth?!

It went right into the wood.

That thing must've been flying!

Well, that's not the only
interesting thing on this door.

Oh, this is where we used to

measure ourselves every year.

Wow. We've all grown so much.

Me, you, Omar.

W-Wait. Who the hell is Omar?

He's got a mark for every year!

My nose hurts.

Forget your nose,
forget my tooth.

Let's solve this thing.

But what about
the clogged toilet?

Let's forget that, too.

A little dirty water
never hurt anybody.

Okay. We're on the case!

What case? I want in.

The case of who Omar is.

You see, there's these markings.

I don't know who Omar is,
you jerks!

You're so suspicious!

Do you think that might be
a lead we should follow?

I, uh...

Not sure.
I-I wasn't paying attention.

I was too busy tonguing
my new gum hole.

Oh, it feels incredible.

Roger, I need your help.

Sorry, Stan. I'm a duck today.

I got a lot of
duck responsibilities.

I promised Francine
I'd go fly fishing again,

but I'm terrible at it,
and I don't want to go.

Damn it!
I don't know what to do!

- That's it! Dam it!
- What?

Dam it. Dam the river!

Yes, damn the river!

Damn it, Stan,
you're not getting it!

Wait... Say that again.

I'm doing duck stuff?

Not that far back. The dam.

I'll build a dam,

then there won't be a river
to fly fish in.

And we'd have more time
to work on our vaudeville act.

Let's go get some concrete.

Just give me one second.

Quack! Quack-quack!

Quack! Quack-quack-quack!

Let's roll.

**

And that's the easiest way
to get out of

fly fishing with your wife.

And now a little reward
for Stan.

"Dolly Parton."

You've done it, Stan.

The funniest thing
that's ever happened.

Uh... look behind you.

Today's more for putting things
behind me than looking.

Whoa.

A giant lake.

And like moths to a flame,
here come the lake people.

Whoo-hoo!

Guess I'm gonna have to open a
dingy lakeside café, aren't I?

Hey! You're the guy
that made this lake!

Name's Cleonard.

That's "C" as in Cleonard,
"L" as in Leonard,

"E" as in Eonard,
"O" as in Onard,

"N" as in Nard, "A" as in Ard,

"R" as in Rd,
and "D" as in Dildo.

Have a beer!

Oh! Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!

Whoa-ho, Lake Man!
You're a natural!

**

You know what, honey?
I'm so glad

we're giving fly fishing
a second chance.

But wait a second.
Where's the dang river?

We're still 10 miles away.

Oh, yes, yes, that... that's
why we can't see the river...

that is still there.

Where's the dang river?

It's been dammed!

Yeah. But by whom?

Guess we have no choice but
to check out the dam up yonder.

But who needs answers
when you've got...

...cannonb-a-a-alls?!

What are you still doing
in the car?

Jump in, Francine!
Feel the muck on your balls!

You know
I don't have balls, Stan!

Prove it!

I know you're disappointed
we can't fly fish,

but like Cleonard says,

when God dams a river,
he makes a lake.

Who's Cleonard?

That guy over there
I just met for the first time.

So, what do you think?

Lake life?
Our new couples' thing?

What's lake life?

You know, swimmin', drinkin',

sun burnin',
Lyme disease gettin'...

Lake life!

I'm sorry. I'm just
bummed about the river.

Oh, come on.

What was your favorite thing
about fly fishing?

Well, it was something
I really enjoyed

and was really good at.

You liked... the water!

Well, think about it.

Now you have all that water
in one spot.

If you see a patch you like,

you don't have to worry
about it rushing by.

It's gonna be there
for centuries.

- I guess.
- That's the spirit!

Look at Cleonard,
screamin' at his mom

in front of everyone...
What a baller.

You gotta meet him.

Hey, Cleonard. This is Francine.

Ma'am. Let me introduce y'all
to the gang.

This here's Cleonard Jr.

That's Mama, Big Clen,

Tammy, Tammy's man,

Guts,
and the lovely Cleonard-Dawn.

Say, we're just about to
go bob for pigs' feet.

Y'all interested?

Oh, hell yes!

Oh, I'm good.

I had two monkey hands
and a zebra dick for lunch.

Come on! Lake life!

Okay. I guess you were gonna

give fly fishing
a second chance.

That's right.
Remember how surprised I was

the river was gone?

Twice.

On my count!

One!

Go!

**

Unh!

Mnh!

**

**

Pbth! I got seven!

You win!

Let's hear it for Lake Man
and his wife, Vomit!

You got a nickname!

What a power couple.
Lake Man and Vomit.

**

Grape, grape, grape.

Yum.

Rogu, stop fussing
with those olives.

Steve and Hayley found the name
"Omar" written on the door,

and I have to get
something off my chest.

You're the only one I can tell.

Omar is my son.

Oh, my God!

Or at least I've come
to think of him as my son.

Rogu need more information.

A long time ago, I saw a boy

in a Country Time Lemonade
commercial,

and since then,
I imagined that he was mine.

I guess that's the whole story.
Huh.

Oh! And I've been
guessing at his height

and marking it on the door.

Busted!

We knew you had
something to do with Omar!

And we knew you'd come
spillin' your guts to Rogu.

Everyone does.

You used Rogu as a honeypot?!

You got Rogu'd.

Buddy, don't feel bad.

It was just... kind of a game
or something. I don't know.

I'm so sad and alone...

and sad.

All right.
Let's help him with this,

and then we'll fix
our nose and teeth.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!
That all you got, Junior?!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Whoo! Whoo!

How great is lake life?

Let's fire it up again, Junior.

I think I might sit this one
out, swim to shore.

Swim in? Sounds like we got
ourselves a lake-aholic, Junior.

I'm a lake-aholic, too,

except with alcohol and meth
and unprotected sex!

I'm gonna beat it, though,
'cause I ordered

a fidget spinner,
and it's on its way.

**

Hey, Roger.

Turns out my grill's
a little small.

We're running about
six to seven hours behind.

Who ordered a grilled cheese
at 11:00 a.m.?!

Yours now if you want it.

Yoink! Lake life is awesome!

Cleonard shot an osprey
with a crossbow,

and we're gonna bang it open
with a rock!

Cleonard, from the lake.

Stan, it's been a long day.
When can we go home?

Not yet! Cleonard shot an osprey
with a crossbow,

and we're gonna bang it open
with a rock!

Ding!

Hey, Roger, I'm borrowing this.

Sorry. I just wanted to
check on my turkey burger.

This isn't McDonald's, sir!
Check back in the morning!

**

It's like...
why am I tracking the height

of a boy I've only seen
in commercials?

I think television is
extremely dangerous for me.

It makes me feel like
I know him.

But maybe you can know him,
Klaus.

What?

Omar is real.

He's real and he's alive
and he's out there.

We found him on Cameo,
and he's actually available

to make personal appearances
for an extra fee.

You know I have no money!

I'll cover it.
I got a little cabbage

comin' from the tooth fairy.

Look, you have a lot
of real love for him,

a-and maybe that's something
he's looking for.

Y-You might not be able
to be his dad,

but you could be,
I dunno, a-a mentor.

Or he could mentor you?

Or maybe just get in a room
and see who mentors who.

Okay. Let's reach out to him.

I'm gonna go to my alcove
and get all my farts out

before he comes.

I suggest you all do the same.

Maybe this dumb lake's
good for something.

Ow. Is that my ass or the dam?

That's a funny bit.

Stan always does that bit.

Stan always does that bit!

That little bitch
built a secret dam!

**

Stan, come with me!
We need to talk!

Just tell me
in front of Cleonard.

I'm gonna tell him
the second you leave, anyway.

I tell Cleonard everything.

Fine. I know you built the dam!

Ooh! Sounds like somebody's
getting laid tonight.

Honey, we... we don't
need to go in there.

You dammed a river
because you didn't want

to give fly fishing
a second chance!

Damn your dam.

See ya, turds!

Hey, Stan, tell Roger
to have my chicken tenders

delivered to my balls!

**

That lady ruined our lake!

She's deeeeaaad!

Cleonard, my man, the lake
was only here for a day.

You don't need
to do anything crazy.

Of course we do, Stan.
We're crazy lake people.

Let's git 'er!

I got a crush on you, Stan.

Oh, my God!

Tammy's crushing on me?!

**

The hillbillies
want to kill Francine

because she destroyed the lake!

Oh, thank God this is over.

I was playing it cool,
but I was in over my head.

Come on. We can still
get a jump on them.

Cleonard can't find
his Croakies,

so they haven't left yet.

Okay. Just let me grab my stuff.

Did you really need
all this junk?

You caught me
after my Costco run.

What am I supposed to do,
just leave behind

a 13-pound bag of pitted dates?

- No.
- Hey, can you guide

that jumbo hand sanitizer
this way?

Had my hand up a possum's butt
all morning.

You know what they say...
Customer's always right.

I was the customer.

Hey, Lake Man!

Any sign of Vomit yet?!

I told you, Cleonard!
I won't help you hunt my wife!

Oh, yeah.

Well, can you at least
ask the grill guy

if he has any
ice-cream sandwiches?

He does.

Okay, great!

Ask him if he takes wet checks!

He does!

**

Okay. Three pitchers
of Country Time Lemonade.

That should be enough to get us
through the first hour.

I hope it's still his favorite.

Hi. I'm Omar from the Country
Time Lemonade commercial.

We know.

I was also in
Tremors 5: Bloodlines.

Please, come in.

This is Klaus.

He only knows you from
your lemonade commercials.

It's not easy to explain
or even understand,

but something about you
appealed to Klaus,

and he started
to think of you as a son.

He has a lot of love for you,
and I think he's here today to

ask if that would be something
you're open to sharing.

Wow. That's
a pretty strange offer.

But, honestly,
I'd be really open to this.

I'm lonely.
And maybe you are, too.

And maybe, together,
we won't have to be.

- How tall are you?!
- I'm sorry?

How tall are you?! Omar!

I'm 5'7"?

That's not right!

Klaus, what are you doing?

Get against the door!
We'll see who's right!

- There's the plunger! Can I...
- I'm using it on Omar!

- I actually have to go.
- Are you insane?!

I have to measure you!

Did he just run
out of the house?

What a Hollyweirdo.

It's a real lesson.

Don't meet
your Hollyweird heroes.

And here comes the toilet water.

Keep your eyes peeled.
Francine's probably close.

This is right around
where she took us fishing.

Hey, Stan, I double-dog dare you
to murder your wife!

Man, this has been
going on for hours.

We gotta lose these guys.
Cut your tubes loose.

Maybe they'll trip them up.
- Not my tubes!

Well, there must be
another way, Stan!

Oh! Maybe we can
creatively harness

the untapped power of the trees.

Francine's life is at stake!

Ugh. Fiiine.
You're so obsessed with her.

My tree idea is lookin'
pretty good right now.

The river cuts back.

Hey, what if we jump out,
run across the land,

then get back in
on the other side?

It'll be much faster than taking

this lazy-ass river
all the way around.

That's... a great idea.

What a shortcut! Top-notch idea!

I'm loving the positive
reinforcement, Stan!

Whoa! Check out
the beautiful owl!

Aah!

It must've smelled possum butt
on my knuckles!

Oh, well. Bye!

Aah! Oh! Aah! Ah!

Aaaah!

**

Ah...

**

Francine! Can you stop
fly fishing for one second

and listen to me? We gotta run!

The hillbillies are trying
to hunt you down!

Why should I believe you?

Everything you do
is for selfish reasons.

Name one time.

You built a dam
so I couldn't fish!

Oh, well, you knocked that one
out of the park.

How long you been
sittin' on that?

There she is!

I got this. Go hide
while I save our lives.

Cleonard, you've made me
the happiest man on Earth.

But I'm going to have to ask you
not to kill my wife.

Stan, it's time for you
to finally let me

do something I'm good at.

Go hide!

**

**

My eye! My eye!

Wait! That was my lazy eye!

My good eye's still good!

Aah!

I'm almost out of eyes!

Don't take
my Pan's Labyrint eyes!

Unh!

Who else wants some?!

Wow!
That was incredible, Francine!

Told you I was good.

I'm sorry I dammed your river

just because I'm bad
at fly fishing.

But now I realize...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Oh, my God! Roger!

I'll be fine. Nothing
a little hand sanitizer

and 32 cans of water chestnuts
can't fix.

I-I just gotta head upriver
and find my supplies.

Let's get out of here.

Where are you?! Where are you?!

There you are.

Ahhh!

Bye! Have a great time!