American Dad! (2005–…): Season 15, Episode 19 - Businessly Brunette - full transcript
Hayley takes off her headband and becomes a businesswoman; Stan plans a party.
LOUD KNOCK
What the hell?! It's only 3:00pm!
Family announcement!
LOUD KNOCK
Family announcement!
Luckily, my stool-softening pill
hasn't kicked in...
Oh!
LOUD BANG
Family announcement!
Luckily, my orgasm pill
hasn't kicked in...
Ah!
Welcome to family announcement.
As you are all aware,
I've been on the wait list
for The Shaquille O'Neal Centre
for Intense Sleep Apnoea.
They only accept the loudest 3%
of snorers in the nation.
And I am in! Top three, baby!
LIGHT APPLAUSE
Well, they called, and a spot
opened up tonight. Tonight?
But it's third Friday of the month,
our Friday Fun Night.
Oh, right. Damn.
Hun, just do the study.
We'll go out next month.
No, no, no, it's very important
you get a night out.
You work so hard. I do?
It's an expression.
Hayley, how about
taking your mother out tonight?
Can't. Tonight's the night
we slice all the olives
for the entire year at Sub Hub.
But I can lend you Jeff.
Hmm. I like that for Francine.
Have him washed, dressed
and at the base of the stairs
by seven.
Family announcement adjourned.
I look forward to
organically crossing paths
with each of you around the house.
Steve, did you get a chance
to look at the e-mail I sent you
with a link to all my hilarious,
accurate and irreverent impressions?
Yeah, I guess.
You guess?
I sent it to you, like, 15 times.
Which e-mail address?
SteveSmith69@gmail.
Oh! That one got... hacked.
Send it to SteveSmith420.
What?!
You were able to get 420 and 69?
Man, every other Steve Smith
must be a loser.
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling that
It's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh boy, it's swell to say
# Good morning, USA
Argh!
# Good morning, USA. #
Jeff, I want to thank you
for Hayley making you do this.
You're welcome?
No, you're welcome.
Right.
Before Francine and I were married,
she was a pretty wild woman.
She's mellowed over the years,
but she's still wild at heart.
And there's always the risk
she can relapse. With me so far?
No.
Hmm.
Better join me
in my metaphor corner.
Look at that bird.
Flapping, tweeting, darting around.
It's happy because it thinks
it's positively going wild.
But what would happen if I open
a window and really let it go wild?
It would fly right into the sun!
Yes. Yes, it would.
Ah. I'm the bird.
No.
I'm the cage?
No, you're not really
represented in this metaphor. Oh.
Do you still need me tomorrow?
It's tonight, Jeff.
Tonight, we let Francine
out of her cage.
And you're going to be there
to prevent her
from flying into the sun.
So, I am the cage!
You're not in the metaphor!
Take what time you need,
then meet me back at my desk.
Ah, you made it.
Over the years, I've calculated
the precise amount of stimulus
Francine needs
to feel like she's going wild,
without really going wild.
Like the bird.
That's right.
The 75 minutes you spent
in the corner served you well.
Now, pay close attention,
because you're about to get
a crash course in Francine control.
No cinnamon.
Its aroma is too primal.
Do not let her put on flat shoes.
She ran track in high school
and you'll never catch her.
Do not let her get wind in her hair,
it conjures strange passions.
None of those clown scarves
you can keep pulling on forever.
No Israeli couscous,
and I mean zero.
And finally, if all else fails,
remind her another episode
of Tom Selleck's Blue Bloods
starts at 10:00 on CBS.
She falls for the bait
of sexy Magnum
and ends up dozing off in bed
to a series of family dinner scenes.
This is too much to remember!
You've been talking for hours.
Don't worry,
I put everything on the card.
You can count on me, Mr S.
And one more thing.
It's probably best Francine
doesn't see the card.
But I can see it, right?
Yes, Jeff.
That's the cornerstone of our plan.
We'll start with two tap waters.
And a white wine spritzer.
Wine and bubbles.
That could be wild.
Excuse me,
how's the lighting under the table?
The best in all of Langley.
You can bring the spritzer!
What are you doing down there?
Playing cat's cradle (!)
I was looking up your dress, Mrs S.
Oh!
Ready to order?
Can I suggest you start with
our new tableside guacamole?
Tableside, oh my!
I read in Skyways Magazine
that Kiefer Sutherland
has tableside guac
every time he's in San Antonio.
Guacamole, guacamole...
Sorry, Your Honour,
but guacamole's forbidden.
Oh, let's have some.
Let's live a little, Jeff.
HONKS HORN, SHAKES MARACAS.
# Tableside, tableside
# So much hotter
When it's tableside. #
Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God.
I don't know if we have time
for this.
Blue Bloods starts at 10:00,
you know.
Hmm, I guess we'll pass.
I heard in tonight's episode,
the DEA comes down hard
on the family,
and Tom Selleck has a booger
in his moustache
that no one tells him about
for the entire day.
OK, Steve,
got the house to yourself.
Time for some... risky business.
Now all I need
is some royalty-free tunes.
Alexa, play Bob Sargar's
"New Town Rock 'n' Loll."
ROCK N ROLL MUSIC
Argh!
Klaus? What happened?
Pretty nasty fall. But don't worry,
I'll take care of you.
I don't get it,
our living room floor
has never been that slippery.
Slippy Oil?
Oh, you just had to look over
at the Slippy Oil, Steve.
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
Oh, you should have read
my e-mails, Steve.
You're saying "oh" in front
of everything you say, Klaus.
Oh, am I?
Mmm, that was good!
So brown, so broiled,
with such a mild mustard.
I'm sorry, sir,
this isn't a credit card,
this is a note card
with impossibly tiny writing.
"Francine Date Night Dos and Don'ts.
"No pickles over three inches.
"Only allowed to move pawns
in chess.
"No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals
that drive their mascots insane."
It's not what it looks like!
Mr S just wants to keep you
from going wild.
# Wild women do...
Ooh, I haven't gone wild
in a long time!
# And they don't regret it. #
Guess what, Jeff?
This Friday fun night
is about to go wild,
and Stan can't stop me,
and neither can you.
Flat shoes!
Wait for me, Mrs S!
I can't let you go wild!
Five orders of tableside guac!
Mrs S!
Couldn't order six, huh?
It's all right.
I'll stay here and BLEEP myself,
why don't I?
I'm going wild!
Truck jump!
Whoa, cool!
Oh, sick!
No way!
Argh! Stop!
For God's sake, stop!
Oh, what's gonna happen?
Argh!
Tasty!
Mrs S, please don't go wild.
What if I just go "hi-ya?"
What?
Hi-ya!
Aw, man. Party's over.
Oh, yeah! Back on!
You think it's OK
to ignore my e-mails?
Well, now, you're gonna watch
all my impressions.
Here's Martha Stewart
encountering a demon.
Mm-mm-mm. Time to cook the recipe
and put the thing in the oven.
Argh!
Oh, God.
This is the lady who used to work
at the Chimdale Jack-in-the-Box
visiting her former co-workers
for the first time.
I'm back!
Somebody kill me!
Another round!
Woo!
Francine!
Yeah!
Whoa!
Yeah! Bar fight!
Wait, is this a fight?
Nah, he was thrown off
our mechanical bull.
That's the most dangerous bull
in the country.
Aside from bull-shit!
Misinformation
is the real national crisis.
Y'all want some popcorn?
Here, Mrs S!
FS!
Francine Smith!
Coyote Ugly! Coyote Ugly! Woo!
Let me kick your beer!
Mrs S, what are you doing?
Gotcha!
And stay out!
Ooh, fun alley.
Let's get murdered
by Batman's parents.
Can we just go home now?
Come on, Jeff.
You don't want to do that.
You know that deep down inside,
you're like me - a wild woman.
I'm... I'm a man.
And how wild is that?
Now close your eyes, Jeff,
and listen to your heart.
# Wild women do...
I heard it!
Shh. It's not done.
# And they don't regret it. #
There's no downside!
That's right! Now, let's show 'em
we can go as wild as we want!
Yeah. Let's do a series
of quick little things,
each more wild than the last!
# Wild women do
And they don't regret it
# Wild women show
What they're goin' through
# Wild women do
What you think they'll never
FRANCINE WHISTLES
# What you only dream about
# Wild women do
# Oh, yes, listen to me, Jack
I ain't comin' back
# Wild women do
And they don't regret it. #
Hey, I know what might be fun.
Let's take something from a person.
Let's show a human being
the true meaning of fear.
Stick 'em up!
This is a bank robbery!
Argh!
Del Monaco?
Francine!
And who's this piece of ass?
This is Jeff, my son-in-law.
Jeff, Del Monaco,
my dealer of drugs.
Enchante.
This is too crazy.
I'm actually gonna go hang out
one-on-one with my dry cleaner.
You guys should come!
Just you and your dry cleaner?
That sounds crazy, we're doing it!
Now, you should know,
Mr Rick is a dry cleaner,
so he hates washing machines.
Mr Rick, it's me, Del Monaco.
Bullshit!
You're a washing machine!
Washing machines
don't knock on doors, Mr Rick.
Sounds like
what a washing machine would say!
Come into my house really fast,
really fast!
This guy's got a great energy.
Welcome to paradise.
Let me outline your night for you.
We sit around,
we huff dry cleaning chemicals,
we have a scintillating
conversation.
I have only one rule.
I feel silly even mentioning it.
Nobody's allowed to turn into
a washing machine.
It happens! And if it does,
I will take care of business!
Second rule,
so the conversation remains orderly,
you speak when I have the knife
to your throat.
You have the floor, m'lady.
Mr Rick, I need to use the restroom.
So does Jeff.
It's the first door
past the old Hollywood Video sign.
This guy is giving me bad vibes.
In what way?
He's insane!
The toilet's right here,
and the toilet scrubbing brush
is all the way over there!
We proved we could get wild,
but I think we should go home now.
This is my first time getting wild.
I'm not going back to my cage.
I'm flying straight to the sun.
How you guys doing? If you spilled
on yourselves, don't worry.
I have two bedrooms
full of women's clothes.
I am particularly proud
of my sundress collection!
But not so proud
I couldn't see myself giving you one
if I thought it looked good on you.
Jeff, I think we should
get out of here.
Argh!
Bathroom time is over.
It's game time!
What... What game are we playing?
It's Hot Potato with a loaded gun.
My dear friend, Tom Sizemore,
taught me this game.
JAUNTY MUSIC
But first, tetrachloroethylene?
Tetrachloroethylene? No?
HE INHALES
Woo! Wow, wow, wow!
Whoa, it's hot!
Argh!
Ha ha! They're afraid
of a little gun, Del Monaco!
Psych! Psych! Psych!
You guys hear that?
Someone's at the door.
Could be a washing machine.
Argh!
My dry cleaner is dead!
I am so sorry, Deltaco.
Why must God take the perfect ones?
Now I have to tell
his 13-year-old girlfriend.
We're gonna call the cops right now
and explain.
But our fingerprints
are all over that gun!
Oh, my God!
What are we gonna do?
I'll call my fixer,
he'll get us out of this.
Listen carefully to my instructions.
We'll cover up this murder, and all
go back to our beautiful evenings.
I need you to make
some hot jasmine tea, very weak.
I have a very strong intolerance
to jasmine.
It's like poison to me,
total organ failure.
But the flavour? Get out of town!
It's like I'm drinking
a warm summer night.
Are you gonna get him the tea?
Sounds like he shouldn't have it.
OK, first, this body
needs to disappear without a trace.
Oh, it's so bloody.
God, it's all over.
Ugh.
OK, this is a problem.
I saw an episode of CSI
where the cops found blood
and they used it to solve the crime.
This blood has to disappear
without a trace.
I'll Google how. Phone.
I do swipe text, watch how fast.
Kind of tricky with this blood
all over my hands, but...
Oh! Here we go.
'911, what's your emergency?'
ALL GASP
Murder.
ALL GASP AGAIN
There WAS a murder.
But don't you worry, it's being
handled by me and the other killers.
'A patrol car's been dispatched
to your location.'
Well, not everything worked out
the way we thought it would,
but I declare this situation...
..fixed!
I gotta find a new dry cleaner!
# Fixer, murder, fixer, murder
# Fixer, murder, fixer, murder. #
OK, this is John Cusack
being yelled at by an Uber driver.
Get out, John Cusack!
You can't tell me
I can't smoke in my own car!
I don't understand.
Why didn't you do John Cusack?
I can't do Cusack, he's impossible.
Caliendo can't even do Cusack.
This is my impression
of a domestic dispute
I overheard at the mall last winter.
It's a bigger issue
than the fries, Janine.
You don't respect me.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, my God. I get it now.
It's good!
Yes.
You're a genius!
All it took was being held captive
for six hours to realise it!
Yeah,
I'm a bit of an acquired taste.
LAUGHS LOUDLY
OK, I know I'm good,
but you're giving me
a Horatio Sanz-level reception here.
Give me more! More!
You know, I totally forgot,
today's the day I was supposed
to help Jurgen hunt Slender Man.
And I've already pushed the hunt,
like, five times.
So, I'll just release you
from your bonds
and we can both go
our separate ways.
I may be free to go,
but I'm a slave to laughter!
Now do Al Pacino forgetting
the combination to his gym locker!
Somebody help me!
That's exactly what he'd say! Ha ha!
Dang it, the cops are here and
the Uber's still three minutes out.
I'd cancel it,
but that's my rating on the line.
We're going to jail for murder!
Stan was right. We're too wild
to be trusted with ourselves.
Hold on, Mrs S. Maybe alone,
we can't take care of ourselves,
but there's two of us -
we gotta be able to help each other.
How?
# Wild women do. #
By going wild.
Dresses.
Am I crazy,
or are all those paint samples
the same red?
# Wild women do
And they don't regret it. #
Hey, boys!
Woo-hoo!
Dispatch, I'd like to report
three beautiful ladies
in sundresses.
All we got here is a 3-1-3.
'Women going wild
and doing what they do?'
Yeah, I said 3-1-3.
Why do we even have these codes
if you insist on explaining them?
'Well, I'll tell you why.
Because I'm training someone.'
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, put the trainee on.
'Er...
'All right, there's no trainee.'
You never miss a beat.
Da-da-da-da-da, bah!
I declare this whole night:
no crimes!
Now we need to figure out
what to do with Mr Rick.
What if he died again...
for the first time?
This previously-alive woman
was just killed!
Another one?
Throw her in the pile in back.
OK, who ordered mozzarella sticks?
I have not been writing things down.
I hate when they don't
write things down.
I had a lot of fun tonight.
So did I.
I was thinking,
since we got away with this,
we could make a thing of it.
Go wild together once a month?
Pass.
BLOWS RASPBERRY
Just kidding.
We're best friends now.
# Wild women, ooh! #
Subtitles by ITV SignPost
American Dad time is over.
Bye-bye, see you soon!
What the hell?! It's only 3:00pm!
Family announcement!
LOUD KNOCK
Family announcement!
Luckily, my stool-softening pill
hasn't kicked in...
Oh!
LOUD BANG
Family announcement!
Luckily, my orgasm pill
hasn't kicked in...
Ah!
Welcome to family announcement.
As you are all aware,
I've been on the wait list
for The Shaquille O'Neal Centre
for Intense Sleep Apnoea.
They only accept the loudest 3%
of snorers in the nation.
And I am in! Top three, baby!
LIGHT APPLAUSE
Well, they called, and a spot
opened up tonight. Tonight?
But it's third Friday of the month,
our Friday Fun Night.
Oh, right. Damn.
Hun, just do the study.
We'll go out next month.
No, no, no, it's very important
you get a night out.
You work so hard. I do?
It's an expression.
Hayley, how about
taking your mother out tonight?
Can't. Tonight's the night
we slice all the olives
for the entire year at Sub Hub.
But I can lend you Jeff.
Hmm. I like that for Francine.
Have him washed, dressed
and at the base of the stairs
by seven.
Family announcement adjourned.
I look forward to
organically crossing paths
with each of you around the house.
Steve, did you get a chance
to look at the e-mail I sent you
with a link to all my hilarious,
accurate and irreverent impressions?
Yeah, I guess.
You guess?
I sent it to you, like, 15 times.
Which e-mail address?
SteveSmith69@gmail.
Oh! That one got... hacked.
Send it to SteveSmith420.
What?!
You were able to get 420 and 69?
Man, every other Steve Smith
must be a loser.
# Good morning, USA
# I got a feeling that
It's gonna be a wonderful day
# The sun in the sky
Has a smile on his face
# And he's shining a salute
To the American race
# Oh boy, it's swell to say
# Good morning, USA
Argh!
# Good morning, USA. #
Jeff, I want to thank you
for Hayley making you do this.
You're welcome?
No, you're welcome.
Right.
Before Francine and I were married,
she was a pretty wild woman.
She's mellowed over the years,
but she's still wild at heart.
And there's always the risk
she can relapse. With me so far?
No.
Hmm.
Better join me
in my metaphor corner.
Look at that bird.
Flapping, tweeting, darting around.
It's happy because it thinks
it's positively going wild.
But what would happen if I open
a window and really let it go wild?
It would fly right into the sun!
Yes. Yes, it would.
Ah. I'm the bird.
No.
I'm the cage?
No, you're not really
represented in this metaphor. Oh.
Do you still need me tomorrow?
It's tonight, Jeff.
Tonight, we let Francine
out of her cage.
And you're going to be there
to prevent her
from flying into the sun.
So, I am the cage!
You're not in the metaphor!
Take what time you need,
then meet me back at my desk.
Ah, you made it.
Over the years, I've calculated
the precise amount of stimulus
Francine needs
to feel like she's going wild,
without really going wild.
Like the bird.
That's right.
The 75 minutes you spent
in the corner served you well.
Now, pay close attention,
because you're about to get
a crash course in Francine control.
No cinnamon.
Its aroma is too primal.
Do not let her put on flat shoes.
She ran track in high school
and you'll never catch her.
Do not let her get wind in her hair,
it conjures strange passions.
None of those clown scarves
you can keep pulling on forever.
No Israeli couscous,
and I mean zero.
And finally, if all else fails,
remind her another episode
of Tom Selleck's Blue Bloods
starts at 10:00 on CBS.
She falls for the bait
of sexy Magnum
and ends up dozing off in bed
to a series of family dinner scenes.
This is too much to remember!
You've been talking for hours.
Don't worry,
I put everything on the card.
You can count on me, Mr S.
And one more thing.
It's probably best Francine
doesn't see the card.
But I can see it, right?
Yes, Jeff.
That's the cornerstone of our plan.
We'll start with two tap waters.
And a white wine spritzer.
Wine and bubbles.
That could be wild.
Excuse me,
how's the lighting under the table?
The best in all of Langley.
You can bring the spritzer!
What are you doing down there?
Playing cat's cradle (!)
I was looking up your dress, Mrs S.
Oh!
Ready to order?
Can I suggest you start with
our new tableside guacamole?
Tableside, oh my!
I read in Skyways Magazine
that Kiefer Sutherland
has tableside guac
every time he's in San Antonio.
Guacamole, guacamole...
Sorry, Your Honour,
but guacamole's forbidden.
Oh, let's have some.
Let's live a little, Jeff.
HONKS HORN, SHAKES MARACAS.
# Tableside, tableside
# So much hotter
When it's tableside. #
Oh, God, Oh, God, Oh, God.
I don't know if we have time
for this.
Blue Bloods starts at 10:00,
you know.
Hmm, I guess we'll pass.
I heard in tonight's episode,
the DEA comes down hard
on the family,
and Tom Selleck has a booger
in his moustache
that no one tells him about
for the entire day.
OK, Steve,
got the house to yourself.
Time for some... risky business.
Now all I need
is some royalty-free tunes.
Alexa, play Bob Sargar's
"New Town Rock 'n' Loll."
ROCK N ROLL MUSIC
Argh!
Klaus? What happened?
Pretty nasty fall. But don't worry,
I'll take care of you.
I don't get it,
our living room floor
has never been that slippery.
Slippy Oil?
Oh, you just had to look over
at the Slippy Oil, Steve.
Oh, you're not going anywhere.
Oh, you should have read
my e-mails, Steve.
You're saying "oh" in front
of everything you say, Klaus.
Oh, am I?
Mmm, that was good!
So brown, so broiled,
with such a mild mustard.
I'm sorry, sir,
this isn't a credit card,
this is a note card
with impossibly tiny writing.
"Francine Date Night Dos and Don'ts.
"No pickles over three inches.
"Only allowed to move pawns
in chess.
"No Cocoa Puffs or any other cereals
that drive their mascots insane."
It's not what it looks like!
Mr S just wants to keep you
from going wild.
# Wild women do...
Ooh, I haven't gone wild
in a long time!
# And they don't regret it. #
Guess what, Jeff?
This Friday fun night
is about to go wild,
and Stan can't stop me,
and neither can you.
Flat shoes!
Wait for me, Mrs S!
I can't let you go wild!
Five orders of tableside guac!
Mrs S!
Couldn't order six, huh?
It's all right.
I'll stay here and BLEEP myself,
why don't I?
I'm going wild!
Truck jump!
Whoa, cool!
Oh, sick!
No way!
Argh! Stop!
For God's sake, stop!
Oh, what's gonna happen?
Argh!
Tasty!
Mrs S, please don't go wild.
What if I just go "hi-ya?"
What?
Hi-ya!
Aw, man. Party's over.
Oh, yeah! Back on!
You think it's OK
to ignore my e-mails?
Well, now, you're gonna watch
all my impressions.
Here's Martha Stewart
encountering a demon.
Mm-mm-mm. Time to cook the recipe
and put the thing in the oven.
Argh!
Oh, God.
This is the lady who used to work
at the Chimdale Jack-in-the-Box
visiting her former co-workers
for the first time.
I'm back!
Somebody kill me!
Another round!
Woo!
Francine!
Yeah!
Whoa!
Yeah! Bar fight!
Wait, is this a fight?
Nah, he was thrown off
our mechanical bull.
That's the most dangerous bull
in the country.
Aside from bull-shit!
Misinformation
is the real national crisis.
Y'all want some popcorn?
Here, Mrs S!
FS!
Francine Smith!
Coyote Ugly! Coyote Ugly! Woo!
Let me kick your beer!
Mrs S, what are you doing?
Gotcha!
And stay out!
Ooh, fun alley.
Let's get murdered
by Batman's parents.
Can we just go home now?
Come on, Jeff.
You don't want to do that.
You know that deep down inside,
you're like me - a wild woman.
I'm... I'm a man.
And how wild is that?
Now close your eyes, Jeff,
and listen to your heart.
# Wild women do...
I heard it!
Shh. It's not done.
# And they don't regret it. #
There's no downside!
That's right! Now, let's show 'em
we can go as wild as we want!
Yeah. Let's do a series
of quick little things,
each more wild than the last!
# Wild women do
And they don't regret it
# Wild women show
What they're goin' through
# Wild women do
What you think they'll never
FRANCINE WHISTLES
# What you only dream about
# Wild women do
# Oh, yes, listen to me, Jack
I ain't comin' back
# Wild women do
And they don't regret it. #
Hey, I know what might be fun.
Let's take something from a person.
Let's show a human being
the true meaning of fear.
Stick 'em up!
This is a bank robbery!
Argh!
Del Monaco?
Francine!
And who's this piece of ass?
This is Jeff, my son-in-law.
Jeff, Del Monaco,
my dealer of drugs.
Enchante.
This is too crazy.
I'm actually gonna go hang out
one-on-one with my dry cleaner.
You guys should come!
Just you and your dry cleaner?
That sounds crazy, we're doing it!
Now, you should know,
Mr Rick is a dry cleaner,
so he hates washing machines.
Mr Rick, it's me, Del Monaco.
Bullshit!
You're a washing machine!
Washing machines
don't knock on doors, Mr Rick.
Sounds like
what a washing machine would say!
Come into my house really fast,
really fast!
This guy's got a great energy.
Welcome to paradise.
Let me outline your night for you.
We sit around,
we huff dry cleaning chemicals,
we have a scintillating
conversation.
I have only one rule.
I feel silly even mentioning it.
Nobody's allowed to turn into
a washing machine.
It happens! And if it does,
I will take care of business!
Second rule,
so the conversation remains orderly,
you speak when I have the knife
to your throat.
You have the floor, m'lady.
Mr Rick, I need to use the restroom.
So does Jeff.
It's the first door
past the old Hollywood Video sign.
This guy is giving me bad vibes.
In what way?
He's insane!
The toilet's right here,
and the toilet scrubbing brush
is all the way over there!
We proved we could get wild,
but I think we should go home now.
This is my first time getting wild.
I'm not going back to my cage.
I'm flying straight to the sun.
How you guys doing? If you spilled
on yourselves, don't worry.
I have two bedrooms
full of women's clothes.
I am particularly proud
of my sundress collection!
But not so proud
I couldn't see myself giving you one
if I thought it looked good on you.
Jeff, I think we should
get out of here.
Argh!
Bathroom time is over.
It's game time!
What... What game are we playing?
It's Hot Potato with a loaded gun.
My dear friend, Tom Sizemore,
taught me this game.
JAUNTY MUSIC
But first, tetrachloroethylene?
Tetrachloroethylene? No?
HE INHALES
Woo! Wow, wow, wow!
Whoa, it's hot!
Argh!
Ha ha! They're afraid
of a little gun, Del Monaco!
Psych! Psych! Psych!
You guys hear that?
Someone's at the door.
Could be a washing machine.
Argh!
My dry cleaner is dead!
I am so sorry, Deltaco.
Why must God take the perfect ones?
Now I have to tell
his 13-year-old girlfriend.
We're gonna call the cops right now
and explain.
But our fingerprints
are all over that gun!
Oh, my God!
What are we gonna do?
I'll call my fixer,
he'll get us out of this.
Listen carefully to my instructions.
We'll cover up this murder, and all
go back to our beautiful evenings.
I need you to make
some hot jasmine tea, very weak.
I have a very strong intolerance
to jasmine.
It's like poison to me,
total organ failure.
But the flavour? Get out of town!
It's like I'm drinking
a warm summer night.
Are you gonna get him the tea?
Sounds like he shouldn't have it.
OK, first, this body
needs to disappear without a trace.
Oh, it's so bloody.
God, it's all over.
Ugh.
OK, this is a problem.
I saw an episode of CSI
where the cops found blood
and they used it to solve the crime.
This blood has to disappear
without a trace.
I'll Google how. Phone.
I do swipe text, watch how fast.
Kind of tricky with this blood
all over my hands, but...
Oh! Here we go.
'911, what's your emergency?'
ALL GASP
Murder.
ALL GASP AGAIN
There WAS a murder.
But don't you worry, it's being
handled by me and the other killers.
'A patrol car's been dispatched
to your location.'
Well, not everything worked out
the way we thought it would,
but I declare this situation...
..fixed!
I gotta find a new dry cleaner!
# Fixer, murder, fixer, murder
# Fixer, murder, fixer, murder. #
OK, this is John Cusack
being yelled at by an Uber driver.
Get out, John Cusack!
You can't tell me
I can't smoke in my own car!
I don't understand.
Why didn't you do John Cusack?
I can't do Cusack, he's impossible.
Caliendo can't even do Cusack.
This is my impression
of a domestic dispute
I overheard at the mall last winter.
It's a bigger issue
than the fries, Janine.
You don't respect me.
HE CHUCKLES
Oh, my God. I get it now.
It's good!
Yes.
You're a genius!
All it took was being held captive
for six hours to realise it!
Yeah,
I'm a bit of an acquired taste.
LAUGHS LOUDLY
OK, I know I'm good,
but you're giving me
a Horatio Sanz-level reception here.
Give me more! More!
You know, I totally forgot,
today's the day I was supposed
to help Jurgen hunt Slender Man.
And I've already pushed the hunt,
like, five times.
So, I'll just release you
from your bonds
and we can both go
our separate ways.
I may be free to go,
but I'm a slave to laughter!
Now do Al Pacino forgetting
the combination to his gym locker!
Somebody help me!
That's exactly what he'd say! Ha ha!
Dang it, the cops are here and
the Uber's still three minutes out.
I'd cancel it,
but that's my rating on the line.
We're going to jail for murder!
Stan was right. We're too wild
to be trusted with ourselves.
Hold on, Mrs S. Maybe alone,
we can't take care of ourselves,
but there's two of us -
we gotta be able to help each other.
How?
# Wild women do. #
By going wild.
Dresses.
Am I crazy,
or are all those paint samples
the same red?
# Wild women do
And they don't regret it. #
Hey, boys!
Woo-hoo!
Dispatch, I'd like to report
three beautiful ladies
in sundresses.
All we got here is a 3-1-3.
'Women going wild
and doing what they do?'
Yeah, I said 3-1-3.
Why do we even have these codes
if you insist on explaining them?
'Well, I'll tell you why.
Because I'm training someone.'
Oh, gosh, I'm sorry.
Wait a minute, put the trainee on.
'Er...
'All right, there's no trainee.'
You never miss a beat.
Da-da-da-da-da, bah!
I declare this whole night:
no crimes!
Now we need to figure out
what to do with Mr Rick.
What if he died again...
for the first time?
This previously-alive woman
was just killed!
Another one?
Throw her in the pile in back.
OK, who ordered mozzarella sticks?
I have not been writing things down.
I hate when they don't
write things down.
I had a lot of fun tonight.
So did I.
I was thinking,
since we got away with this,
we could make a thing of it.
Go wild together once a month?
Pass.
BLOWS RASPBERRY
Just kidding.
We're best friends now.
# Wild women, ooh! #
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American Dad time is over.
Bye-bye, see you soon!