American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 9 - The Witches of Langley - full transcript

So when they asked me
to train the new hire, Diane,

I was like, "Get me a
beef sandwich, Diane!"

Then Diane send Dick
to get the sandwich.

Diane totally gets how
things work at the CIA.

Sorry, Francine, what did you ask me?

I asked you
to let go of my wrist.

You tried to take a waffle,
and I'm first waffle guy.

Stan, can I catch a ride?

Got my first shift for
Southwest Airlines today.

What? You don't know anything
about being a flight attendant.

But I do know comedy.



And that's all that
matters at Southwest.

With you there, people should check
their sensitivities at the gate.

Oh, my God, that's like
a perfect Southwest joke!

I want that joke!

Give me that joke!

Ugh! You're getting syrup in my hair!

Somebody help her!

You can use it! Jesus!

Yay!

And as a thank you,
I'll tell you how to get

your seat upgraded
without paying a dime extra.

ANNOUNCER: That's right,
"American Dadders."

There's all kinds of travel tips

the airlines don't
want you to know about.



For instance, guns
aren't allowed on planes,

so if you can get one on,

you'll have a tremendous
amount of leverage.

Then you can sit
wherever you want.

(panting) Whoa!

I was paralyzed for, like, 10 seconds.

I couldn't move.
Did anyone else see that?

I thought I had a stroke.

(patriotic music plays)

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Hey, I'm training Diane
at the gun range tonight,

so I'm gonna be late for dinner.

Unless I eat with Diane.

Then we'll just eat when we're hungry.

Stan is spending a lot of
time with this Diane person,

don't you think?

Klaus, when you're
married to a sexy man,

there's always gonna be
some bush league snizz

trying to storm the castle.

Aren't you worried?

Yeah, I'm worried.

I'm worried about
Diane's hospital bills.

Oh, shit! Girl don't play!

What's the plan?!

I think that's a question
for my girlfriends.

Oh, getting the war counsel together.

Merlot for my girls...

and for me,

a little bit of
Francine's private reserve.

(groans) Ooh! Hoo! Wha!

Francine!

Sharon!

What up, Franny?!

Caroline!

- Where's Connie?
- Hey, y'all.

Television star Connie Britton,
you made it!

TOGETHER: Friends, friends, friends!

(mumbling incoherently)

He said he's taking her to the range,

but he left his white leather
shooting glove at home.

So let's call him up,
catch him in his lie.

Good idea.

- (line ringing)
- STAN: Hello?

Honey, how are you going to
the range with Diane tonight

when you left your
shooting glove at home?

Excuse me? I-I don't understand.

I said...

(mumbling incoherently)

Honey, you sound stressed.

Maybe go for a nice long drive.

He's playing dumb.

Good-bye, Stan.

This Diane's a serious threat.

Hey, I'm the serious threat.

Go take care of business.

Punch her in them floppy tits!

(mumbling)

Ooh.

It looks like the bank's open.

And the beauty parlor.

Time to put away laptops,
tablets, and mobile devices.

But if you've still got
a BlackBerry, keep that out,

'cause I'll be coming around
with a trash bag real soon.

(chuckles) If you need anything,

just call me or any of the
other flight attendants.

We all go by,
"Uh, excuse me, Miss?"

Even Trevor,
who told me in confidence

that he identifies as a female.

Trevor!

(chuckling)

See that? I crushed!

God, what a high. You're cute.

How about after we go wheels up,
I come in there and go heels up,

and you can unload your
passengers at Gate "A."

Donna forgot to mention,
if we lose cabin pressure,

strap on your mask
to start the flow of oxygen.

But if oxy-gin isn't your brand,
we've got Tanqueray.

That's how I get
through these flights.

(laughter)

What the... Trying to show me up?!

Oh, it's on.

Thanks, Karen. Don't worry
about correcting me

in front of a plane
full of assholes,

'cause I checked my
sensitivity at the gate.

'Cause you check things at...
You know, I'm not explaining.

Is it... Is it hot in here?

Is this a hot plane?

Whatever Donna's drinking,
I hope the pilot didn't have any.

(laughter)

(laughs) Damn it!

Looks like another late one with Diane.

FRANCINE: Stay as late
as you need to, dear.

I'll just be here at the house,

the one we built together as
a committed, loving couple.

Yeah, I love that place!

Maybe I'll watch that show "House,"

or "House... of Lies."

Oh, no, no, no! Don't
talk about "House of Lies."

I'm only halfway through season one!

La la la la la!

(ding)

STAN: Oh, yeah. Come on! Yeah.

That pig!

Oh, God, I'm gonna
finish in record time!

He never finishes fast with me.

Can I help you?

I don't think so.
I'm here to deal with Diane.

- That's me.
- No, you're not.

Diane's in there,
finishing off my husband.

I'm obviously not in there with Stan.

You're as bad a liar as he is.

Now, excuse me while I bust you guys!

Stan?

Francine?! I-It's not
what it looks like.

It looks like you're playing
with little toy cars.

On the contrary. This is a slot car...

a 1/32 scale McLaren M7
with magnetic suspension,

2.4 volt engine, and a real European...

Oh, wait. This is a toy car.

This is all the stuff I said before.

And when I put it on
the track, it goes fast.

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh!

Oh!

So...

you're not hooking up with her.

I wish!

Yeah!

And you're not interested in him.

(laughs) Little tiny car guy?

No. He's all yours.

Oh. Great.

My car has been slippy on this turn.

- (fabric tears)
- Francine, my pants ripped.

Go to my desk, in my top
drawer, there's a pair

of sky-blue
wrinkle-release Dockers.

Underneath that is my
"Phantom of the Opera"

long sleeve t-shirt.

Please bring it immediately
and tie it around my waist.

Wow, you must be so relieved.

To go from thinking your
husband was cheating on you

to realizing he's an amazing athlete.

But... But why didn't
you tell me about this?

Because I knew you'd try
to talk me out of racing

Lonny Bulmanferg at
the Altoona Grand Prix.

Lonny Bulmanferg?

Let's push him out of
our minds for one night.

Maybe with a sex. (groans)

Ah, pins and needles, pins and needles!

Ah.

My legs are useless.

Could be a great opportunity
for you to ride me.

But first, go to my study,
in the right desk drawer,

underneath a pair of
pleated burgundy Dockers,

you'll find my lovemaking sandals.

What is that?

Freakin' Bulmanferg.

Prepare yourself for
a rage boner, Francine.

I...

got to go to the bathroom.

Make sure you use the
wet wipes just in case

I want to go mousing around down there.

Here I come, ladies.

(gulping)

(grunts)

Girl, what are we doing here?

You don't have to worry about Diane.

She thinks Stan's a real zero.

- Problem solved!
- Or is that the problem?

One of the things that
thrilled me about Stan

was other women finding him sexy.

Like having my own Chris Hemsworth.

If you want that thrill
back, you could sexy up Stan.

Take him to get a makeover!

To the mall!

(slurred) To the mall!

All right. Roger said we can
all fly for free somewhere,

so we need to agree on a place to go.

I vote for Na Pali State Park.

Wait, that's what I was gonna say.

So was I! This is crazy!

Hawaii...

TOGETHER: Here we com...

Pack your bags, we're
going to Fort Worth.

- What?!
- Fort Worth?!

Okay!

You said we could go anywhere we want.

And now I'm saying

that you're coming with
me to laugh at my jokes

because Karen is trying to
drop a wet deuce on my dreams!

If I wanted to hear jokes,
I'd go to Snot's stand-up show.

He's got a...
He's got a new bit about...

(chuckles) how... how bands at weddings,

since they... they just do cover songs

are basically juke boxes
that only take hundreds.

(chuckles) He can make
jokes out of anything.

Guys, guys, you know me.

Do I respond rationally

when a new thang I'm into
is met with resistance?

- (choking)
- So how about it?

Are we all going to
Fort Worth via Buffalo?

Let him go!

Okay, okay, I'm checking in now!

- You, show me your laugh.
- (forced laughing)

That's great! You're doing it!

- (gasping)
- You guys are gonna love it.

I start with stand-up, and
then I move into improv,

which I've been really
flowing on lately.

Check it, give me one word to start.

Um... cactus.

Perfect, cactus.

I'm choking this cactus!

Francine, why are we here?

I need to work on my slot cars.

I just thought you could
do it in cooler shoes,

a V-neck sweater, and jeans so tight

you have to put your dick
and balls down different legs.

Let's just hurry this up.

Mel's counting on me to be
ready for this weekend's race.

Mel?

Mel's my lane monkey,
grooms the track, greases turns.

Can't grease too much, though.

The cars can shoot off the track.

One car hit a guy in the arm once.

They stopped the race so
his mom could blow on it

and give him some Gatorade.

Excuse me, see that guy over there?

I need you to make him
irresistible to women.

Super jump.

So what do you think he'd look good in?

A coffin.

Oh, damn!

Do you have this in green?

(slurping) I don't understand

why you have to wear that
fanny pack over your new suit.

You want me to carry hundreds
of tiny screwdrivers in my pockets?

- Are you crazy?
- (fabric rips)

Oh, my pants just ripped again.

How?! You're just sitting there.

I got a weird ass.

We've wasted the whole day at the mall.

Now I've got to rush to the airport.

Well, if you got to wear the fanny pack,

why don't you pop on these aviators

or maybe go sleeveless.

My sleeves! You know how cold I get!

(shivering)

Suck it up, Stan!

You're turning women off all over town!

You said I look like Chris Hemsworth!

I lied!

You look Elliot Hemsworth!

Elliot?

He's the disgrace of the Hemsworth clan.

They tried to remove all
trace of him on the Internet.

With good reason!

He's not an actor.

He's just a doctor.

(gasps) Well, you're a doctor, too!

Dr. Evil!

"One million dollars!"

That's you! (sobbing)

Can't you be the guy who
other women want again?

- We can fix this!
- We?

Hey, I don't have to fix anything.

This is your problem.

I'm just trying to live
my life and race my car.

Not worry about whether
women find me attractive.

Well, they don't!

- WOMAN: Hey, Stan!
- Mel!

(squeals)

I am so excited for Altoona!

Tell me about it. I'm ready
to run through a brick wall.

Oh, Mel, this is my
cruel wife, Francine.

So nice to finally meet you.

What the...

We should go, Stan.

Yep. Right behind ya.

Just how I like it.

(giggles) Kidding!

That's Mel?

Yep, she's my lane monkey

and does some T3 raid racing herself.

Sorry, slot talk.

Probably not doin' it for ya.

Why wouldn't he tell me about her?

STEVE: Mom?

Don't look at her, don't talk to her.

Her thing doesn't concern us.
We're not talking to her.

(tires squeal)

Oh, Stan!

You can drive me anywhere.

(engine revs)

I want to go there.

♪ Ooh, wee ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

(giggles) Stan!

Stop! Stan, stop right now!

But you're the one driving.

♪♪

♪ Ooh, wee ♪

♪ Ooh, wee ♪

(giggles) Faster.

Faster!

No, no. Oh, no, no!

Oh, my God!

I drove him toward...

- (screams)
- Hey, Francine.

Wake up, wake up, wake up!

It's okay, you're awake!

I've been experimenting with steroids.

It's awesome!

Now I wear tank tops

with the thinnest
straps you've ever seen.

You okay? You've been so quiet.

I had a big fight with Francine.

She said some things that
have me wondering if...

(imitates tires screeching) Aw!

Did wittle Stan Smith have
a fight with his wittle wife?

You don't even have a wife, Lonny.

That's 'cause I don't want one!

I could have any girl in this place!

I'm the only girl here.

Are... Are you asking me to marry you?

Just worry about the race

and the killer joke about your name

that Stan's got locked and
loaded for after he wins.

Good luck.

People have been trying to make fun of

the Bulmanferg name for
years, but it's bulletproof!

And you're not gonna
have a chance anyway.

'Cause you're a loser...
a real Elliot Hemsworth!

Turbo boost! (zooming)

Elliot might be a doctor now,

but here's still time
to turn his life around.

(sighs)

Julia Child didn't blossom
till her mid-40s.

Yeah, and Judi Dench...
this is a fact, I read it...

simply did not exist
until she was 56 years old.

I've driven Stan into
the arms of some skank

who actually cares about
all his stupid stuff!

Oh, there's an easy way to fix this.

Just sleep with one of his coworkers.

That works.

Or the super-ripped fish. He's hot.

Or someone closer to him,

like his little buddy, Steve.

No, I'm not sleeping with Steve!

What am I doing?

Drinking Windex and fertilizer

and talking to the voices in my head?!

This ends now!

- No!
- No!

We'll be waiting for you in Hell!

You will weep before the Dark Lord!

Your arms are too thick for that dress!

Everyone thinks so!

I'm gonna go get my husband back!

Klaus, you're in charge.

I'm taking control of my life.

You see the pool, right?

Then there's James Michener.

He didn't write his first
book until he was 40.

Helen Mirren wasn't hot
until she turned 70.

Yeah. Stan, you have a
long list of late-bloomers.

(sighs)

Can I ask you a question?

Do you think I'm... attractive?

Stan, you're the first white man
I've ever been attracted to.

I appreciate that.

(cellphone rings)

It's Francine. I should take this.

Don't think about Francine.

You've got the biggest
race of your life tomorrow.

You need to relax. Hey.

I've got a naughty idea.

(whispering)

And them first class be
like spoiled little kids.

Spoiled little kids
sitting there all,

"Where's my apple juice?"

(forced laughter)

Exit row gets it.

Meanwhile, coach passengers
be like, "Can I have a seat?

Can I have a seat?

Just one little seat.

Just one big enough to
put my butt cheek on

while first class drinks
their apple juice."

(forced laughter)

I hope that's the only crash
landing we experience today.

(laughter and applause)

We'll be touching down
in Fort Worth soon.

A funny name, because any
reason "worth" visiting

must be hidden in
a "fort" somewhere.

(laughter and applause)

(slot cars zooming)

MAN: Four laps to go,
they're neck and neck!

This is crazy!

Here they come!

The yellow car won.

Wait, i-it's over? Did I win?

Did you have the yellow car?

- Yeah.
- Then you won.

Yes!

All right, Stan. You bested me.

But the Bulmanferg name
remains indestructible.

I wouldn't be so sure...

Foolmanferg.

You have...

destroyed me.

Look for me in the obituaries.

- Yes!
- You did it, Stan!

Mel, I can't stop thinking
about what we did last night.

I feel terrible.

It was a one-time thing,
no one has to know.

I'll know.

Forget about him. You need a real man.

What do you say we go up to my room

and you take my virginity.

(sighs)

Francine?!

Stan, I'm so sorry.

(sobbing)

Francine, I cheated with Mel!

Oh, God! I knew it!

I threw it all away.

I had it all, and I threw it all away.

(sobbing)

No, it was my fault!

I pushed you away.

We can come back from this.

We can rebuild!

No, it's over, Francine.
We have to get a divorce.

I won't fight you for custody.
You can have them.

I can't believe this is happening!

Mel said it wouldn't be such a big deal

if we stripped everything off.

Ah! Stripped it off!

And shaved down the axle.

You shaved down the axle!

And we added tack to the tires

so we wouldn't lose speed on the turns!

Tack to the tires?!

I should have let you do that to me!

Wait. Are you talking
about cheating at slot cars?

Yes, my title means nothing.

I'm a fraud!

Oh, good. Our marriage is fine.

Stan, I was wrong for
trying to change you.

I'll see you at home.

(groaning)

(sobbing) How did this
become so important to me?!

Remember, our menu is
100% gluten-free...

because food is
100% not available.

(laughter)

That's it!

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha.

How about a little dark humor?

10 minutes ago,
I initiated an engine failure

which will make the plane
lose hydraulics,

release shrapnel
into the ductwork,

and start an uncontainable fire.

(all gasp)

And for my closing joke,

a 30,000 foot drop to your death.

Thank you, you're a
wonderful audience.

(all screaming, alarm ringing)

You see my set?

I killed!

Yah!

(bleep) me.

(screaming)

(laughter)

They're...

laughing.

(laughing)

They're all laughing.

Oh... I see a white light.

White light be all,
"Um, can you come towards me,

if it's not too much trouble?"