American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 18 - The Long Bomb - full transcript
Despite poor communication between the two, can Stan and Hayley team up to foil a terrorist plot at the Bazooka Sharks game?
It's game day!
And the Rockville Gorilla Stars
are coming to the Sharks' Nest!
A capacity crowd is expected
for the first
Bazooka Sharks game
since quarterback
Johnny Concussion's death.
Johnny's ashes and carbonized
bone chunks will be on display
in a football-shaped urn,
which should be a real treat
for the kiddies!
Hey, bud.
Got a little kink in your line.
It's okay.
No one's perfect.
Except everyone
who works for me!
You're fired!
I want you to crank the pressure
on these tanks.
People want to see
their juice drink
really hit the walls
and cascade around.
These foam fingers are heavier
than they usually are.
And you're not
the usual delivery guy.
There's usually one of you,
not eight.
And you
all have ponytails.
I hate ponytails.
I am not signing...
It's gonna be a hell of a game.
It's gonna be a hell of a game!
People are saying it's...
gonna be a hell of a game.
I heard that.
When I, uh, got
these tickets from work,
I was surprised you were down
to take the other one.
When I said yes,
I thought you had four,
so Mom and Steve could kind of
keep the conversation going.
You know what?
This will be great.
Just us.
And now, Rockin' Ronnie's
gonna rest his voice
till the game starts.
♪♪ Dramatic music plays...
♪♪
*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 12 Episode 18
♪♪
Title: "The Long Bomb"
Look at all the people.
Good crowd.
Popular place.
Well, I'm gonna pop out
and get us some Zooka Dogs.
Hey, you could stay here.
Hot hot dogs...
Right at your seat!
No need to walk around.
But this guy
doesn't have any beers.
I got two extra beers.
You'd be doing me a favor
if you took them.
It's very rude
to eavesdrop.
Before the game, a reminder
that all noise makers,
vuvuzelas, and air horns
are strictly encouraged!
Never let the decibels drop!
Except at halftime, when,
in memory of Johnny Concussion,
there will be a respectful
moment of silence.
A moment
of bone-crushing silence,
presented by Baby Bel Cheese!
So, when's the game start?
Kickoff's in 15 minutes...
Which sounds like a lot,
but if we
just break it down
into... 900 easy-to-digest
one-second chunks...
You know what?
I need something
I can only get in
the concourse... a key chain!
Here you go, mister.
Take mine.
Leave me alone!
Smartest move I ever made,
buying the Bazooka Sharks.
All these fools are
literally paying
to sit in this building.
They're idiots!
We are supposed
to eat these, right?
I believe so, yes.
Excuse me.
Cutting in front.
It's okay,
I'm a hired escort.
Hmm.
Don't be so shocked.
All the girls are escorts.
What, you think hot girls
like us
would hang out
with toads like you?
Ha! Dream on!
What's your name,
darling?
Tawny Luxardo...
one of the escorts you hired...
to have sex for money.
Listen,
I got V.I.P.s here.
Stop telling everyone
you're an escort.
Gotcha.
Low-key, I'm all over it.
I'll circulate,
but give me the signal...
Two taps on the nose and I'll
come running to suck you off.
Did you just do it?
I blinked.
It's the luxury box
dessert cart!
- All right!
- Well done!
I want the biggest
chocolate cake!
Gotta watch my figure, though.
I'm a hooker.
Say, aren't you fellas
a little early?
Oh, I'd say we're right on time.
Huddle up, team.
I'm the quarterback
and here's the play.
We get the combination to the
safe, and then we disappear.
No one gets hurt
and everybody wins.
It will be a real touchdown.
I'm Cyrus Mooney, boy.
I don't negotiate with...
Oh, my God!
- I was just talking to him!
- Cyrus fumbled.
Now, while we crack the safe,
my men are putting bombs
around the arena.
So if anyone tries
to call an audible
and contact someone outside
this room, kablooey.
- My God!
- We're gonna die!
Oh, of course... right after
I do a huge Costco run.
Bury me with all my almonds.
Okay, okay, but how many napkins
do you go through in a day?
Look, buddy, it seems like
you're avoiding something
or someone by asking me
ridiculous questions.
It's not ridiculous to ask how
many pepperoni slices
go on
a personal pan pizza.
And I told you,
it's four.
And I told you
I saw five once.
Avoiding someone.
The nerve!
It's Dwight the Great White!
Dwight,
do the Shark Shuffle!
The Shark Shuffle,
Great Dwight.
How hard is it
to do this?
Is that a bomb,
Great Dwight?
You're not the Asian woman
who plays Great Dwight!
What have you done
with Lee Tran?
♪ And the rocket's red glare
♪ The bombs bursting
up the air ♪
Where's Dad?
He loves Sky Crooner...
for some reason.
Yes! Enjoy the facial.
Wow.
That is really hot steam.
Hans,
what's taking so long?
Hans?!
I was bragging to everyone
about how fast you were.
Nobody's faster than Hans,
I said.
Dad?
Lee Tran's dead?!
And you guys must be,
fingers crossed, her husbands,
looking to avenge
her death...
with their
new friend Hayley?
Hans, why aren't you
responding, Hans?
Hans, are you mad at me?
Yeah, he's real steamed.
What?!
Who is this?!
Your worst nightmare,
bad guy.
Foiling your plans will
be the perfect distraction
from having awkward conversation
with my daughter.
- God, why is it so...
- Hello!
You have to hold
the button down.
You can't just push it once.
Get your hands off me!
- They have Hayley!
- Put her with the others!
Hayley, welcome
to the luxury box, girl!
Grab a glass of sparkling wine
and come hang with me
by the owner's brains.
The terrorists have Hayley
in the owner's box.
How did Francine
not see this coming?
"Stan, you should take Hayley
to the game.
It'll be nice, eat some nachos,
have some laughs."
"Francine, it'll be awkward."
"Stan, what could go wrong
at a Bazooka Sharks game?"
"Hey, Mom,
where's the applesauce?"
"In the fridge, Steve."
"I only see
watery-ass Kroger.
Where's the Mott's?"
"They taste the same."
"Have you lost your mind?!"
So we've got ourselves a hero.
The bomb in the rafters
is armed.
Excellent.
Hey, baddie, guess what?
What?
Chicken butt.
I'm in your head now, son.
Team, switch walkies
to back-up channel.
Hey, gang, it's me...
One of the gang.
Looks like I forgot the back-up
channel... again!
Dad's gonna come here,
but I have to warn him
about the other bombs
first. How?
Dessert cart.
- Ooh, dessert!
- Real dessert cart!
Mmm, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet!
Nobody get cute
and try anything,
because we're definitely
letting the dessert cart in.
I need you to get this message
to Stan Smith.
He's in the arena,
but I don't know where.
All the food venders
here are very connected.
We'll find him.
We're kind of like
a family.
I can't be seen talking...
We get drinks after work
all the time.
Please go.
Almost all of us
drive pickup trucks.
I've never even thought
about hiring a mover.
I got Cracker Jacks!
I got peanuts.
I got a secret message
for Stan Smith!
I got a secret message
for Stan Smith!
I got big, spicy pickles
in bags!
I'm Stan Smith,
the man in the vents.
Your daughter says
she's fine
and go to the rafters
to defuse a bomb.
So Hayley's communicating
with me.
Why is that so hard for us
to do in person?
You got a daughter, buddy?
- I used to.
- Whatever.
I gotta get
to the rafters.
So, real quick, give me
a Zooka Dog, Chicago style.
Pile the onions up high
like I like.
And more mustard.
More mu... there you go.
Another fistful of onions.
Perfect, perfect.
Now push it
through the vent.
♪ And that's how you sing the
end of the first quarter song ♪
Yeah, yeah!
Sky Crooner!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't be scared,
don't be scared.
My name is Stan,
and I need your help.
No one knows the rafters
better than you.
Have you noticed
anything suspicious?
That blinky thing is new.
I'm gonna defuse
that bomb,
and I need you to shoot
anyone who tries to stop me.
Is there a bad man?
You got that right,
Sky Crooner.
Stan, I can't kill!
♪ Life is sacred!
♪ And it begins at conception!
You know, someone went
to a lot of trouble
to put that bomb there.
I do want us to have
a fist fight on this girder.
It will look hella cool.
- Just promise me one thing.
- Anything.
Don't look down.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Ha ha!
Works every...
Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Too many men on the field.
10 yards.
Not getting up? Delay of game.
Another 5 yards.
Still not getting up.
Unsportsmanlike conduct.
Another 15 yards.
Had enough?
I can go all day.
Strannix?
Strannix? You there?
Damn it!
He got him!
How does he keep finding us?
Maybe he's spotting
our ponytails.
Team, switch to braids.
Still,
the clock is ticking,
and he'll never track down
all the bombs
before we crack the safe.
Ouch, too tight!
I need to figure out a way
to get the bomb locations
to Dad.
And I need to prank
the stadium announcer
with these raisins
I picked out of a scone.
So we both have something,
Hayley. Equal.
Present today's ticket to save
5% at Sculpa Family Car Wash.
Sculpa Family Car Wash.
They found out which towel guy
was the thief!
Big flies today
at the Sharks' Nest.
They're not biting,
but they are landing heavily.
Roger, you're a genius.
I got those big brains.
My producer doesn't normally
write my announcements
on napkins and drop them
from the sky.
"Don't ask questions."
Okey-doke.
Attention, Shark fans,
a message here from a Hayley,
who wants her dad to keep going.
That's sweet.
Also, the loge men's room
is closed
due to someone leaving a huge
bomb in one of the toilets.
That's disgusting.
Another announcement
just fluttered in.
To the owner of the car
with license plate "DABOMB,"
you are illegally parked
in the Shark's locker room?
Another message...
"It's on the visitor's
goalpost"...
Whatever that means.
Oh, now I'm being a note
by John, the P.A.
This is how I typically
get messages.
It says I've been fired.
Oh. I see.
I'll just gather up
40 years of things.
The bomb is on the goalpost.
How am I supposed to get
on the field?
Hey, champ.
Forgot my lucky steroids.
You're the quarterback!
Hey, it's me, guys,
the quarterback.
Get in there,
Ignatowski!
You guys are enormous.
What's the play,
Ignatowski?
We're gonna drive all the way
down the field
and get to that goalpost.
Yeah, no shit.
What's the play?
Uh...
flea-flicker.
A flea-flicker...
The most worn-out trick play
there is...
Somehow picks up 20 yards
for the Sharks.
How happy are we
Dad only had two tickets?
The game's so much better
on TV anyway.
Who said that?!
I can't believe that worked.
Now what?
Another flea-flicker,
no question.
Another flea-flicker.
Puerile, yet effective.
Is that you gasping, Steve?
Enough with all
the gasping, Steve.
The Gorilla Stars finally wise
up to the flea-flickers,
forcing the Sharks
to settle for a field goal.
The hell we will.
♪♪
Touchdown!
Ignatowski enjoys
a well-deserved dance.
What's this?!
Now he's shinnying up
the goalpost
like a burlesque dancer,
shocking the crowd
with a sensual celebratory
acrobatics display.
What a disgrace.
You did it, Dad!
Dad?
Ignatowski,
your walkie-talkie's
crackling like crazy!
Shello.
Nice play, Daddy.
That was the last
of my little bombs.
You almost beat me.
But then I realized
I had the key
to stopping you
the whole time.
- A poison sandwich.
- What?
No,
I have your daughter.
Dad.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
We'll get out of this.
So, um...
that, uh...
Miley Cyrus is pretty
outrageous, isn't she?
Stop this
terrible conversation!
You're a wild card,
I'll grant you that.
The thing is, the wild-card team
rarely wins the Super Bowl.
It's happened,
like, six times.
Then I'd say
that's pretty rare.
That's like 12% of the time.
In your mind, that's rare?
I don't get you, buddy.
You don't have to.
You'll be dead soon.
Not before
we'll all be dead soon.
Recognize these?
Ah, yes... my fake bombs.
What?
Cream cheese.
There's cream cheese?!
I've been eating
dry bagels!
We're in!
You see, the fake bombs were
simply a diversion to buy time.
Time we needed to get this.
Johnny Concussion's jersey
from the last game
he ever played.
Of course!
You can turn around
and sell it to Steve Wynn
for a fortune.
The perfect crime.
Oh, I won't be selling it.
You son of a bitch!
Steve Wynn's
gonna be heartbroken!
I'll be wearing it!
You son of a bitch!
Only Johnny Concussion
can wear that!
I couldn't agree
with you more.
Johnny Concussion?
The owner
kicked me off the team
because of
all my brain booms.
Didn't he sound
smarter before?
Ha! I was only pretending
to be a genius.
Here come more surprise.
Johnny's got
a buddadda-duddadda.
Ultimate frisbee!
Johnny go bye-bye!
Ultimate frisbee!
Oh, God!
We almost died!
I thought it was curtains
for old Tawny!
I realize now
life is precious!
I want a baby!
Who wants to give
old Tawny a baby?!
Who wants to support
old Tawny and her baby
for the rest
of their lives?!
♪♪ Dramatic music plays...
♪♪
Get away from Johnny!
Wow!
I caught a pass
from beloved football hero
Johnny Concussion!
Right in the numbers...
Incredible!
I'm gonna go long this time,
Johnny!
Dad, no!
Johnny, why?!
Why did you commit
the crime of the century?
- What about your fans?!
- Fans?
The same fans who cheered
as I banged my head
into madness?
Well, soon they'll see
just how mad I can be!
They'll be blown away!
My fly fly!
Oh, come on!
We did it!
Now for our special
halftime presentation,
Johnny Concussion's ashes
will be brought out
for our memorial
moment of silence!
Wait.
Johnny's not in that urn.
"Blown away"!
The urn's a bomb.
A real one!
He is gonna blow up
the stadium.
We'll never get
down there in time!
♪♪ Falsetto singing...
Wait!
Do you hear that?
♪ I'll take you,
Stan! ♪
Do you trust me?
♪ I do
Let's do this.
This ain't cream cheese.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put your lips together
for our moment of silence!
It's gonna go off
when the meter reaches zero.
We can't let the crowd
get quiet.
Come on,
make some noise!
Johnny Concussion
was a bad guy!
I said it!
Now yell at me nonstop
for, like, two minutes!
- You no good...
- Avery.
No, no, no!
Say stuff...
Thoughts and words!
Um, uh!
Ben is one of the all-time
greatest bachelors.
He's on the Mount Rushmore
of Bachelor Nation.
And in the produce section,
you'll find onion,
banana, blueberry,
strawberry, Halle Berry.
Oh, oh, Halle Berry,
Phylicia Rashad,
Esther Rolle, Mo'Nique,
Viola Davis, Gabrielle Union,
Jurnee Smollett-Bell,
Regina King, Ruby Dandridge,
Ruby Dee, Tia Mowry,
Tamera Mowry,
the mom from "Family Matters"
who never anticipated Urkel.
Urkel, Urkel, Urkel!
Urkel, Urkel, Urkel!
Urkel, Urkel!
Oh, my first sexual dream
was about Urkel!
- Sorry, Dad!
- Cookie Crisp!
♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G
♪ H-I-J-K
Elemeno-P ♪
♪ Q-R-S...
Dad, stay with me!
We've gotta talk
for another 90 seconds.
I know, it's just...
It's just elemeno...
That reminds me of
when you were little
and you thought elemeno
was one letter.
I remember that!
And when I told you
it was four letters,
you thought I was the smartest
man in the world.
It's been a long time since
you thought that about me.
Angela Bassett,
Cicely Tyson.
What are you talking about?
I still think you're smart!
♪ When it's late at night
♪ And you want
a tasty bite ♪
♪ What are you gonna pick?
Hot Pockets ♪
I don't always feel smart,
but I'm your dad.
So when we talk,
I feel pressure,
like I'm still supposed to be
teaching you stuff.
But everything got more
complicated after "elemeno."
And I want to help you,
but I'm afraid
I'm getting it wrong...
Or worse, you're gonna think
I'm an idiot.
Stacey Dash!
Can't believe I almost
forgot the Dash.
You're not an idiot, Dad.
I thought it was my fault
we didn't talk.
I always worry
you won't be interested
in what I have to say.
I mean, you travel
the world as a spy,
and I live in my childhood
bedroom with my husband.
Uh! Hattie McDaniel,
Cicely Tyson.
I already said
Cicely Tyson.
Then Kerry Washington!
If we stop
blaming ourselves,
we'll have lots
to talk about.
Our shared passion
for black actresses
and not blowing up,
and who needs a third thing?
And when it gets quiet
between us,
it doesn't mean
it's somebody's fault.
Right. It's not gonna kill us
to sit in silence.
Elemeno, elemeno,
Pam Grier!
This concludes Baby Bel's
moment of silence.
Baby Bel,
cheese for your purse.
It's Lee Tran!
She's okay!
I think we're all
gonna be okay.
Sync corrections - by srjanapala
♪♪
♪♪
Johnny Concussion
always gets up.
Bye! Have a great time!
And the Rockville Gorilla Stars
are coming to the Sharks' Nest!
A capacity crowd is expected
for the first
Bazooka Sharks game
since quarterback
Johnny Concussion's death.
Johnny's ashes and carbonized
bone chunks will be on display
in a football-shaped urn,
which should be a real treat
for the kiddies!
Hey, bud.
Got a little kink in your line.
It's okay.
No one's perfect.
Except everyone
who works for me!
You're fired!
I want you to crank the pressure
on these tanks.
People want to see
their juice drink
really hit the walls
and cascade around.
These foam fingers are heavier
than they usually are.
And you're not
the usual delivery guy.
There's usually one of you,
not eight.
And you
all have ponytails.
I hate ponytails.
I am not signing...
It's gonna be a hell of a game.
It's gonna be a hell of a game!
People are saying it's...
gonna be a hell of a game.
I heard that.
When I, uh, got
these tickets from work,
I was surprised you were down
to take the other one.
When I said yes,
I thought you had four,
so Mom and Steve could kind of
keep the conversation going.
You know what?
This will be great.
Just us.
And now, Rockin' Ronnie's
gonna rest his voice
till the game starts.
♪♪ Dramatic music plays...
♪♪
*AMERICAN DAD*
Season 12 Episode 18
♪♪
Title: "The Long Bomb"
Look at all the people.
Good crowd.
Popular place.
Well, I'm gonna pop out
and get us some Zooka Dogs.
Hey, you could stay here.
Hot hot dogs...
Right at your seat!
No need to walk around.
But this guy
doesn't have any beers.
I got two extra beers.
You'd be doing me a favor
if you took them.
It's very rude
to eavesdrop.
Before the game, a reminder
that all noise makers,
vuvuzelas, and air horns
are strictly encouraged!
Never let the decibels drop!
Except at halftime, when,
in memory of Johnny Concussion,
there will be a respectful
moment of silence.
A moment
of bone-crushing silence,
presented by Baby Bel Cheese!
So, when's the game start?
Kickoff's in 15 minutes...
Which sounds like a lot,
but if we
just break it down
into... 900 easy-to-digest
one-second chunks...
You know what?
I need something
I can only get in
the concourse... a key chain!
Here you go, mister.
Take mine.
Leave me alone!
Smartest move I ever made,
buying the Bazooka Sharks.
All these fools are
literally paying
to sit in this building.
They're idiots!
We are supposed
to eat these, right?
I believe so, yes.
Excuse me.
Cutting in front.
It's okay,
I'm a hired escort.
Hmm.
Don't be so shocked.
All the girls are escorts.
What, you think hot girls
like us
would hang out
with toads like you?
Ha! Dream on!
What's your name,
darling?
Tawny Luxardo...
one of the escorts you hired...
to have sex for money.
Listen,
I got V.I.P.s here.
Stop telling everyone
you're an escort.
Gotcha.
Low-key, I'm all over it.
I'll circulate,
but give me the signal...
Two taps on the nose and I'll
come running to suck you off.
Did you just do it?
I blinked.
It's the luxury box
dessert cart!
- All right!
- Well done!
I want the biggest
chocolate cake!
Gotta watch my figure, though.
I'm a hooker.
Say, aren't you fellas
a little early?
Oh, I'd say we're right on time.
Huddle up, team.
I'm the quarterback
and here's the play.
We get the combination to the
safe, and then we disappear.
No one gets hurt
and everybody wins.
It will be a real touchdown.
I'm Cyrus Mooney, boy.
I don't negotiate with...
Oh, my God!
- I was just talking to him!
- Cyrus fumbled.
Now, while we crack the safe,
my men are putting bombs
around the arena.
So if anyone tries
to call an audible
and contact someone outside
this room, kablooey.
- My God!
- We're gonna die!
Oh, of course... right after
I do a huge Costco run.
Bury me with all my almonds.
Okay, okay, but how many napkins
do you go through in a day?
Look, buddy, it seems like
you're avoiding something
or someone by asking me
ridiculous questions.
It's not ridiculous to ask how
many pepperoni slices
go on
a personal pan pizza.
And I told you,
it's four.
And I told you
I saw five once.
Avoiding someone.
The nerve!
It's Dwight the Great White!
Dwight,
do the Shark Shuffle!
The Shark Shuffle,
Great Dwight.
How hard is it
to do this?
Is that a bomb,
Great Dwight?
You're not the Asian woman
who plays Great Dwight!
What have you done
with Lee Tran?
♪ And the rocket's red glare
♪ The bombs bursting
up the air ♪
Where's Dad?
He loves Sky Crooner...
for some reason.
Yes! Enjoy the facial.
Wow.
That is really hot steam.
Hans,
what's taking so long?
Hans?!
I was bragging to everyone
about how fast you were.
Nobody's faster than Hans,
I said.
Dad?
Lee Tran's dead?!
And you guys must be,
fingers crossed, her husbands,
looking to avenge
her death...
with their
new friend Hayley?
Hans, why aren't you
responding, Hans?
Hans, are you mad at me?
Yeah, he's real steamed.
What?!
Who is this?!
Your worst nightmare,
bad guy.
Foiling your plans will
be the perfect distraction
from having awkward conversation
with my daughter.
- God, why is it so...
- Hello!
You have to hold
the button down.
You can't just push it once.
Get your hands off me!
- They have Hayley!
- Put her with the others!
Hayley, welcome
to the luxury box, girl!
Grab a glass of sparkling wine
and come hang with me
by the owner's brains.
The terrorists have Hayley
in the owner's box.
How did Francine
not see this coming?
"Stan, you should take Hayley
to the game.
It'll be nice, eat some nachos,
have some laughs."
"Francine, it'll be awkward."
"Stan, what could go wrong
at a Bazooka Sharks game?"
"Hey, Mom,
where's the applesauce?"
"In the fridge, Steve."
"I only see
watery-ass Kroger.
Where's the Mott's?"
"They taste the same."
"Have you lost your mind?!"
So we've got ourselves a hero.
The bomb in the rafters
is armed.
Excellent.
Hey, baddie, guess what?
What?
Chicken butt.
I'm in your head now, son.
Team, switch walkies
to back-up channel.
Hey, gang, it's me...
One of the gang.
Looks like I forgot the back-up
channel... again!
Dad's gonna come here,
but I have to warn him
about the other bombs
first. How?
Dessert cart.
- Ooh, dessert!
- Real dessert cart!
Mmm, sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet!
Nobody get cute
and try anything,
because we're definitely
letting the dessert cart in.
I need you to get this message
to Stan Smith.
He's in the arena,
but I don't know where.
All the food venders
here are very connected.
We'll find him.
We're kind of like
a family.
I can't be seen talking...
We get drinks after work
all the time.
Please go.
Almost all of us
drive pickup trucks.
I've never even thought
about hiring a mover.
I got Cracker Jacks!
I got peanuts.
I got a secret message
for Stan Smith!
I got a secret message
for Stan Smith!
I got big, spicy pickles
in bags!
I'm Stan Smith,
the man in the vents.
Your daughter says
she's fine
and go to the rafters
to defuse a bomb.
So Hayley's communicating
with me.
Why is that so hard for us
to do in person?
You got a daughter, buddy?
- I used to.
- Whatever.
I gotta get
to the rafters.
So, real quick, give me
a Zooka Dog, Chicago style.
Pile the onions up high
like I like.
And more mustard.
More mu... there you go.
Another fistful of onions.
Perfect, perfect.
Now push it
through the vent.
♪ And that's how you sing the
end of the first quarter song ♪
Yeah, yeah!
Sky Crooner!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Don't be scared,
don't be scared.
My name is Stan,
and I need your help.
No one knows the rafters
better than you.
Have you noticed
anything suspicious?
That blinky thing is new.
I'm gonna defuse
that bomb,
and I need you to shoot
anyone who tries to stop me.
Is there a bad man?
You got that right,
Sky Crooner.
Stan, I can't kill!
♪ Life is sacred!
♪ And it begins at conception!
You know, someone went
to a lot of trouble
to put that bomb there.
I do want us to have
a fist fight on this girder.
It will look hella cool.
- Just promise me one thing.
- Anything.
Don't look down.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Ha ha!
Works every...
Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Too many men on the field.
10 yards.
Not getting up? Delay of game.
Another 5 yards.
Still not getting up.
Unsportsmanlike conduct.
Another 15 yards.
Had enough?
I can go all day.
Strannix?
Strannix? You there?
Damn it!
He got him!
How does he keep finding us?
Maybe he's spotting
our ponytails.
Team, switch to braids.
Still,
the clock is ticking,
and he'll never track down
all the bombs
before we crack the safe.
Ouch, too tight!
I need to figure out a way
to get the bomb locations
to Dad.
And I need to prank
the stadium announcer
with these raisins
I picked out of a scone.
So we both have something,
Hayley. Equal.
Present today's ticket to save
5% at Sculpa Family Car Wash.
Sculpa Family Car Wash.
They found out which towel guy
was the thief!
Big flies today
at the Sharks' Nest.
They're not biting,
but they are landing heavily.
Roger, you're a genius.
I got those big brains.
My producer doesn't normally
write my announcements
on napkins and drop them
from the sky.
"Don't ask questions."
Okey-doke.
Attention, Shark fans,
a message here from a Hayley,
who wants her dad to keep going.
That's sweet.
Also, the loge men's room
is closed
due to someone leaving a huge
bomb in one of the toilets.
That's disgusting.
Another announcement
just fluttered in.
To the owner of the car
with license plate "DABOMB,"
you are illegally parked
in the Shark's locker room?
Another message...
"It's on the visitor's
goalpost"...
Whatever that means.
Oh, now I'm being a note
by John, the P.A.
This is how I typically
get messages.
It says I've been fired.
Oh. I see.
I'll just gather up
40 years of things.
The bomb is on the goalpost.
How am I supposed to get
on the field?
Hey, champ.
Forgot my lucky steroids.
You're the quarterback!
Hey, it's me, guys,
the quarterback.
Get in there,
Ignatowski!
You guys are enormous.
What's the play,
Ignatowski?
We're gonna drive all the way
down the field
and get to that goalpost.
Yeah, no shit.
What's the play?
Uh...
flea-flicker.
A flea-flicker...
The most worn-out trick play
there is...
Somehow picks up 20 yards
for the Sharks.
How happy are we
Dad only had two tickets?
The game's so much better
on TV anyway.
Who said that?!
I can't believe that worked.
Now what?
Another flea-flicker,
no question.
Another flea-flicker.
Puerile, yet effective.
Is that you gasping, Steve?
Enough with all
the gasping, Steve.
The Gorilla Stars finally wise
up to the flea-flickers,
forcing the Sharks
to settle for a field goal.
The hell we will.
♪♪
Touchdown!
Ignatowski enjoys
a well-deserved dance.
What's this?!
Now he's shinnying up
the goalpost
like a burlesque dancer,
shocking the crowd
with a sensual celebratory
acrobatics display.
What a disgrace.
You did it, Dad!
Dad?
Ignatowski,
your walkie-talkie's
crackling like crazy!
Shello.
Nice play, Daddy.
That was the last
of my little bombs.
You almost beat me.
But then I realized
I had the key
to stopping you
the whole time.
- A poison sandwich.
- What?
No,
I have your daughter.
Dad.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
We'll get out of this.
So, um...
that, uh...
Miley Cyrus is pretty
outrageous, isn't she?
Stop this
terrible conversation!
You're a wild card,
I'll grant you that.
The thing is, the wild-card team
rarely wins the Super Bowl.
It's happened,
like, six times.
Then I'd say
that's pretty rare.
That's like 12% of the time.
In your mind, that's rare?
I don't get you, buddy.
You don't have to.
You'll be dead soon.
Not before
we'll all be dead soon.
Recognize these?
Ah, yes... my fake bombs.
What?
Cream cheese.
There's cream cheese?!
I've been eating
dry bagels!
We're in!
You see, the fake bombs were
simply a diversion to buy time.
Time we needed to get this.
Johnny Concussion's jersey
from the last game
he ever played.
Of course!
You can turn around
and sell it to Steve Wynn
for a fortune.
The perfect crime.
Oh, I won't be selling it.
You son of a bitch!
Steve Wynn's
gonna be heartbroken!
I'll be wearing it!
You son of a bitch!
Only Johnny Concussion
can wear that!
I couldn't agree
with you more.
Johnny Concussion?
The owner
kicked me off the team
because of
all my brain booms.
Didn't he sound
smarter before?
Ha! I was only pretending
to be a genius.
Here come more surprise.
Johnny's got
a buddadda-duddadda.
Ultimate frisbee!
Johnny go bye-bye!
Ultimate frisbee!
Oh, God!
We almost died!
I thought it was curtains
for old Tawny!
I realize now
life is precious!
I want a baby!
Who wants to give
old Tawny a baby?!
Who wants to support
old Tawny and her baby
for the rest
of their lives?!
♪♪ Dramatic music plays...
♪♪
Get away from Johnny!
Wow!
I caught a pass
from beloved football hero
Johnny Concussion!
Right in the numbers...
Incredible!
I'm gonna go long this time,
Johnny!
Dad, no!
Johnny, why?!
Why did you commit
the crime of the century?
- What about your fans?!
- Fans?
The same fans who cheered
as I banged my head
into madness?
Well, soon they'll see
just how mad I can be!
They'll be blown away!
My fly fly!
Oh, come on!
We did it!
Now for our special
halftime presentation,
Johnny Concussion's ashes
will be brought out
for our memorial
moment of silence!
Wait.
Johnny's not in that urn.
"Blown away"!
The urn's a bomb.
A real one!
He is gonna blow up
the stadium.
We'll never get
down there in time!
♪♪ Falsetto singing...
Wait!
Do you hear that?
♪ I'll take you,
Stan! ♪
Do you trust me?
♪ I do
Let's do this.
This ain't cream cheese.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's put your lips together
for our moment of silence!
It's gonna go off
when the meter reaches zero.
We can't let the crowd
get quiet.
Come on,
make some noise!
Johnny Concussion
was a bad guy!
I said it!
Now yell at me nonstop
for, like, two minutes!
- You no good...
- Avery.
No, no, no!
Say stuff...
Thoughts and words!
Um, uh!
Ben is one of the all-time
greatest bachelors.
He's on the Mount Rushmore
of Bachelor Nation.
And in the produce section,
you'll find onion,
banana, blueberry,
strawberry, Halle Berry.
Oh, oh, Halle Berry,
Phylicia Rashad,
Esther Rolle, Mo'Nique,
Viola Davis, Gabrielle Union,
Jurnee Smollett-Bell,
Regina King, Ruby Dandridge,
Ruby Dee, Tia Mowry,
Tamera Mowry,
the mom from "Family Matters"
who never anticipated Urkel.
Urkel, Urkel, Urkel!
Urkel, Urkel, Urkel!
Urkel, Urkel!
Oh, my first sexual dream
was about Urkel!
- Sorry, Dad!
- Cookie Crisp!
♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G
♪ H-I-J-K
Elemeno-P ♪
♪ Q-R-S...
Dad, stay with me!
We've gotta talk
for another 90 seconds.
I know, it's just...
It's just elemeno...
That reminds me of
when you were little
and you thought elemeno
was one letter.
I remember that!
And when I told you
it was four letters,
you thought I was the smartest
man in the world.
It's been a long time since
you thought that about me.
Angela Bassett,
Cicely Tyson.
What are you talking about?
I still think you're smart!
♪ When it's late at night
♪ And you want
a tasty bite ♪
♪ What are you gonna pick?
Hot Pockets ♪
I don't always feel smart,
but I'm your dad.
So when we talk,
I feel pressure,
like I'm still supposed to be
teaching you stuff.
But everything got more
complicated after "elemeno."
And I want to help you,
but I'm afraid
I'm getting it wrong...
Or worse, you're gonna think
I'm an idiot.
Stacey Dash!
Can't believe I almost
forgot the Dash.
You're not an idiot, Dad.
I thought it was my fault
we didn't talk.
I always worry
you won't be interested
in what I have to say.
I mean, you travel
the world as a spy,
and I live in my childhood
bedroom with my husband.
Uh! Hattie McDaniel,
Cicely Tyson.
I already said
Cicely Tyson.
Then Kerry Washington!
If we stop
blaming ourselves,
we'll have lots
to talk about.
Our shared passion
for black actresses
and not blowing up,
and who needs a third thing?
And when it gets quiet
between us,
it doesn't mean
it's somebody's fault.
Right. It's not gonna kill us
to sit in silence.
Elemeno, elemeno,
Pam Grier!
This concludes Baby Bel's
moment of silence.
Baby Bel,
cheese for your purse.
It's Lee Tran!
She's okay!
I think we're all
gonna be okay.
Sync corrections - by srjanapala
♪♪
♪♪
Johnny Concussion
always gets up.
Bye! Have a great time!