American Dad! (2005–…): Season 12, Episode 11 - Casino Normale - full transcript

ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to
the 70th Annual C.I.A. Awards,

with your host, Nicki Minaj.

[Applause]

When I was asked to host these awards,

I was a little nervous.

Maybe because I was thrown into a van

and injected with mind-control drugs.

[Laughter]

Damn, this new Billy Crystal
has the juiciest ass.

But as they kick in,

it's becoming a night
of magical moments.



We've seen Agent Jackson win
Best Wiretap Sound Mixing.

- [Applause]
- Whoo, Jackson!

And, of course,
Deputy Director Bullock's

annual win for Best Chili.

[Applause]

And the winner for Best
Undercover Agent is...

Agent X.

[Applause]

[Distorted] Wow!

I didn't even prepare a speech.

Felix, Isabella, you can go to bed now.

Oh, God.
I said your names on television.

Pack your bags. Get out of the house.

Make sure you're not being followed!



Daddy's bringing this to
the place we discussed!

♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

[Applause]

And the award for Most
Elusive Villain goes to...

[Whispering] Is everyone in position?

The Falcon!

[Silenced gunfire]

ANNOUNCER: This is the third time

the Falcon has not fallen for this.

And now, the only agent who refuses

to wear a towel in the
C.I.A. locker room, Duper!

[Applause]

The nominees for Best
Spy Seduction Are...

Tyrese Gibson for "Senior Seduction."

[Applause]

♪

Dick Reynolds for "Dictator's Horse."

[Applause]

[Insects chirping]

[Beeping]

[Squish!]

And Stan Smith for "Smokin'
Hot North Korean Super Spy."

We simply must stop running
into each other like this.

Red wine and everclear.

You remembered.

Or maybe I just forgot to forget.

♪

[Applause]

And the winner is...

Stan Smith.

[Applause]

♪

Oh, there's so many people to thank.

But I wouldn't be here
without my elementary school

gym teacher, Mr. Raggins,

who taught me everything
I know about seduction.

[Cheers and applause]

[Insects chirping]

After all these years,

it turns out Stan Smith can be romantic!

You seduced the crap out of that spy.

No biggie.

I just put hours of thought
into who she is as a person

and what would make her truly happy,

and then I gave it to her.

Well, how about you give it to me?

Pass.

[Blows nose]

Sexy Stan is just an act
I put on for work.

At home, you get the real me.

This little sucker was
trying to make a run for it.

The hell you do.

Francine, I think
I feel a pimple on my back.

Can you take a look?

Can we do our gross stuff tomorrow?

I'm still hoping to get
a little of that sexy,

suave Stan I saw tonight.

Hey, it's not like you're
hot and sexy 24/7 either.

What about your nasty, jagged toenail

that's always scratching
up my leg in bed?

You ran over my foot with your car

and it never grew back right!

That was for a bit,
and it was hilarious.

This is exactly my point.

I bet you don't talk to Korean
spies about their toenails.

Of course not. They're Korean.

Well-manicured feet
are part of the deal.

I'm going to bed,

right after I just destroy the bathroom.

[Door closes]

Oh, Francine, you deserve better.

Klaus? Were you hiding back there?

Hiding? This is a normal bowl spot.

Listen, the reason
Stan only romances spies

is because spies have
something he needs,

and you don't.

That's not true. I have a...

Vaginas don't count.

They're, like, all over the place.

Throw a rock, you'll hit three.

Beep, beep, beep.

[Birds chirping]

Last night was a doozy.

Woke up in a pool of blood
with my thumb up my ass.

I think I'm sleeping wrong.

And I brought Miss Nicki Minaj back here

and had the squeakiest sex of my life.

Or did I?

Francine?

Honey, I feel awful about last night.

I know you can't be the same
guy at home as you are at work,

so I came down to break me
off a piece of sexy work Stan.

Right here, in front of everyone?

Oh, I think they'll leave us
alone when they hear about

the double fudge brownies
I left in the kitchen.

I get your drift, you sly little minx.

Attention, everyone!

There's brownies in the kitchen!

Follow me!

God, I'm bored, but things will pick up

as soon as the mail gets here.

Oh, yeah. The mail's
going to be a game changer.

I mean, it's the mail.

The mail always delivers.

[Tires screech]

Guess what! I'm into classic cars now.

Screw the mail!

Oh, yeah!

That's right. I'm going to be one of

those regal road dogs,
showing off his wheels

in the Bob's Big Boy parking lot,

a real PTHer.

PTH stands for "Pop The Hood."

We have our own lingo, us car-heads.

"Car-heads" meaning "car likers."

Roger, this is so cool.

How'd you get into it?

Well, if you must know...

I was wheelbarrowing home
from the liquor store

when I happened upon a vintage Mustang.

Now, normally,
I couldn't care less about

some old hunk of junk,
but something happened,

something truly amazing.

I mean, what's better than a
thumbs-up from a mustache guy?

I don't know, two mustache guys
giving you a thumbs-up?

Oh, no. You don't want that. Trust me.

The answer is nothing.

Nothing is better.

And if toolin' around in some old car

is my ticket to Thumb Town,
then vroom, vroom, baby!

"Vroom, vroom."
I like the sound of that.

How do we get involved?

It's Classic Cruisers night
down at the Triple B...

Bob's Big Boy. More lingo.

So, how about we buff another
coat of sparkle on this baby

and go get thumbed by a mustache guy?

Vroom, vroom!

Oh, yeah!

[Laughter]

Oh, my God. We're so bad.

At eating.

Sir, a thumb drive
with the identities of half

our undercover agents
around the world was stolen

during our brownie break!

Well, those agents knew the risks.

The drive also had a copy
of your secret chili recipe.

Aaaah!

We must stop at nothing
to get that drive back.

Nothing! But who could have stolen it?

The Jackal? The Falcon? Who?

♪

The Beaver.

Sorry, Francine,
are you talking to somebody?

I'm not Francine.

I'm a hot-ass super spy
with stolen C.I.A. secrets.

♪

The Beaver.

Oh, I want a cool spy name.

I will be...

♪

The Beaver.

Hold on. That's my name.

No way!

We came up with the same spy
name at the exact same time.

You were right, Klaus.

I didn't have anything Stan needs.

But now I do.

Or should I say the Beaver does?

And once the C.I.A. realizes

a lady spy has their thumb drive,

they'll send Stan to
romance it away from her.

And "her" is me!

So it's me who's getting
romanced by Stan,

because I have something he needs!

Yeah, I got it like five words in.

It's not that complicated.

Now I just need a website
for the C.I.A. to find

advertising that the drive
is for sale to terrorists.

I can make it!

I bleed HTML!

Okay, let's set this baby up
with a CSS on the back end,

tweak the G.U.I., enable JavaScript,

Klaus! It's breathtaking!

Hold on, hold on.

The cherry on top.

[MIDI music playing]

And it can't be turned off.

Sure, the outside looks clean,

but what about the engine?

[Engine running]

Hmm, it's so clean,
I can eat an egg off it.

[Sizzling]

I declare this vintage
automobile perfectly restored.

Roger, look... a mustache man!

He's giving you a thumbs-up!

And he's got the bacon for your eggs!

Shh.

Shut the [bleep] up, Steve.

Is that Jay Leno?

Yep. Classic cars are
the perfect Leno bait.

See, this wasn't about Bob's Big Boy
mustache rides or whatever.

It's about revenge.

Wow, Roger's gotten a lot of use
out of that dog-catcher pole.

Great purchase.

- [Beep]
- Guys, I have a Google alert

for the word "spies,"
and a new site just went up.

- Ooh! Sparkly!
- _

- High tech!
- _

This Beaver claims to
be a hot-ass super spy

selling a stolen C.I.A. thumb drive.

How are we going to get that drive back?

We're not going to do anything.

We'll send in our heartbreaker.

Smith, get to work.

Right away, sir.

[MIDI music playing]

- [Music stops]
- _

- Oop!
- _

_

Ooh! Stan's in the chat room.

"Hello, stranger.

Welcome to the Beaver's Dam."

Watch out, boys.

Things are about to get charming.

"Miss Beaver, I understand you have

a hot item you're looking to share."

[Ding!]

Winky face.

A keyboard Casanova.

Ahh!

"A lot of men want my hot item.

Why should I give it to you?"

"You give me your thumb drive

and I'll give you my 6-inch floppy."

My God. This is so erotic.

I know. Stan's finally seducing me.

Although I never pictured
you being part of it.

Funny, it's the only way I pictured it.

[Beeping]

[Keys clacking]

[Beeping]

[Laughs]

[Keys clacking]

[Giggling]

[Keys clacking]

[Rapid clacking]

[All gasping]

"There's a masquerade ball on Friday.

Be dressed in red and we'll
make a little exchange."

"I was hoping for more
of a big exchange."

"How about an average-sized exchange

from a very attentive exchanger,

one with the stamina for
up to two exchanges?"

[Muffled shouting]

Roger, this cage is supposed
to be for the whole family,

but you're always the one using it.

And why exactly did you need to capture

a retired talk-show host?

[Shouting continues]

[Clang]

Simple. I was flipping through

my revenge book the other day
and saw his name in there.

Whoa!

What did Jay Leno do to you?

Oh, I'll tell you what he did.

The year was 1978

and I had a weekly spot
at the Comedy Store.

I was an angry comic, very political,

driven beyond all
reason to shock people,

and in the audience one
night was a young Jay Leno.

Oh, my God! Leno stole your jokes?

Yeah, no, now that I think of it,

he was actually just
giving me helpful feedback.

I had a 10-minute bit about
poisoning Jimmy Carter

and Jay suggested I talk
about how airplane food

doesn't taste good instead.

That eventually led to
my famous train-food bit

which got me kicked off "Star Search"

because it was too racist.

So Jay Leno didn't do
anything wrong to you.

He's in the revenge book, Hayley.

That means he did
something that is worthy

of taking revenge upon, Hayley.

Wonder what it was.

So, Jay, do you ever get nervous

that you're going to make a joke
and nobody's going to laugh?

[Muffled mumbling]

Come on, comic to comic.

[Speaks indistinctly]

Shut up! How dare you distract me

from trying to remember why I hate you.

♪

Well, well, well.

If it isn't... Francine?!

What the hell are you doing here?!

Who's Francine Smith?

I'm...

♪

The Beaver.

First off, that's Klaus' spy name.

And second, what the hell are you doing

stealing classified national secrets?

I wanted you to seduce me,
like you do your spies.

When I do that, it's an act.

What we have is real.

It's the everyday stuff.

It's eating Bagel Bites
while watching "Shark Tank"

until one of us falls asleep.

Now give me that drive.

Fine.

My purse! It's gone!

And the drive's inside it!

It's the Falcon!

[Tires squeal]

Hurry! Get the valet to bring your car

and we'll chase him!

I-I didn't valet.

You know it's free, Stan.

But you've still got to tip him.

Maybe I should have married the Falcon.

Damn it, Francine!

The Falcon could be anywhere
with that thumb drive.

The C.I.A. has no way to find him.

I'm sorry, Stan, but if the C.I.A.

can't get to him, maybe you need to...

leave it to the Beaver.

The show's called "Leave It to Beaver."

If you're adding words
to make it work, abandon ship.

Listen, he knew I'd be
at the masquerade ball.

He must have been
monitoring my chat room.

Let's see if he still is.

"Well-played, Falcon,
but I have even better

C.I.A. info than what
was on that drive."

The trap is set.

I guess we've got some
time on our hands.

How much you want to bet me
I can fit inside the wall?

You owe me 10 bucks.

ROGER: No sleeping!

I will remember what you did to me.

I think I know.

Good question. Hmm.

Who is the current vice president?

Oh! "Stone Cold" Steve Austin!

[Laughter]

You know what? Screw you!

People are stupid? That's your joke?

That the average Joes
you've spent decades

pandering to are idiots?

Well, we're not. That's a stereostripe!

[Laughter]

And there you have it,

the reason you want revenge on Jay Leno.

Actually, as humiliating as that was,

a casting agent saw it
and booked me a role

on "NCIS: L.A."

It was huge for my career,
just... just huge.

♪

Freeze! NCIS L.A.!

NCIS L.A.! Hands in the air!

- [Laughs]
- [Laughs]

Only in NCIS: L.A.

[Beep]

Stan!

The Falcon replied!

"Beaver, I want to buy new secrets.

Meet me at casino to discuss.

I send address."

STAN: Well, pack your bags, Beaver.

Looks like we're going on a mission.

Huh. I'm only at the stairs?

I thought I made it to the kitchen.

♪

- [Needle-scratch]
- I told you,

you're way over-dressed
for Atlantic City.

Now, let's get that drive back.

He's not just going to give it to us.

That's why you're going to seduce him

and get him up to the hotel room

where I'll be waiting.

Sexy spy fun!

No. Life-and-death work.

And there's our man.

I believe we have business
to discuss, Mr. Falcon.

Shall we adjourn to my room?

You expect me to go
upstairs with a stranger?

[Laughs]

I am more careful than that.

Before I go with you, I must know...

Is the inspection certificate
in the elevator up to date?

[Both gasping]

Sorry to make it a whole big thing,

but I just don't trust elevators

when sign says "certificate on file
at front desk."

Okay, guys? This is funny.

This is really, really funny,
like, classic me.

Turns out this isn't
my revenge book at all!

It's my autograph book!

And to think I chemically blinded
Michael Chiklis for nothing!

So if Leno didn't do anything wrong,

can we let him go now?

Uh, yeah, Steve.

Is he always like this?

[Flies buzzing]

Okay, who was in charge of feeding him?

Guys, come on.

Let's not let Jay Leno
ruin yet another night.

Well, I'll be.

Eyes to the right, kids.

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

[Ding!]

Huh.

That does feel kind of good.

Maybe we should have done
the classic car thing.

Oh, well. Live and learn.

_

Here we are, all alone in my room.

Oh, God!

Tell your partner to
throw out his weapon

and come out with his hands up.

Stan, he's got a gun!

This isn't fun anymore!

STAN: Okay, Falcon, you've got my gun.

How about sliding me a magazine?

I'm in the middle of a monster D here

and I'm tired of reading
this shampoo bottle.

[Clicking]

This is all my fault, Stan.

I got obsessed with
you as this sexy spy.

But I get it now.

It's work and it's terrifying,

and I understand why you
don't want to bring it home.

It's my fault too, baby.

I'm sorry, but I understand now.

Even ordinary women deserve to
feel special from time to time.

Well, right now,
I'd give anything to be home

in sweatpants with the
regular old Stan I know.

That's it!

We know every little
detail about each other,

like that you haven't filed down
that jagged toenail in weeks.

[Scratching]

What in the hell are you two...

Ew! Why you do that?

It's so gross! I can't look!

Stan, your toothpick!

Hyah!

Aaaaaaah!

That's what you get for
"picking" a fight

with the C.I.A.

[Thud, glass shatters]

And the winner of Best
Couples Kill is...

Stan and Francine Smith!

- [Applause]
- _

- ♪
- _

STAN: We simply must stop
running into each other like this.

♪

- Mmm!
- Mmm!

Oh, Stan.

I love it when you're romantic.

And I love it when you
taste like Bagel Bites.

♪