American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 6 - Kiss Kiss Cam Cam - full transcript

So, the people at Buzzfeed

are abuzz about my article.

I had no idea you were a writer.

Oh, I don't know dick
about writing,

but "The top 12 dog haircuts
of the '90s" --

I know many dicks' worth
about that.

Hey there, birthday girl!

Hello yourself,
Mr. Birthday girl.

This year I bought you not one,
but 81 birthday presents.

And I'll give you a hint,
it's America’s favorite thing.

81 bald eagles?



No, but remember that one
for my birthday.

Happy early birthday, Stan.

What happened?

You were about to tell me about
my birthday present,

then made bird noises,
got an erection,

and started tongue-kissing
the air.

Right, like I said, I got you
81 presents --

season tickets to
the Washington nationals.

But, Stan, I don't even
like baseball.

Oh, your gigantic smile
is thanks enough.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have somewhere I need to be.

Now, where were we --

What?! I was gone two minutes
and you invite Hank over?

You've crossed
the wrong guy, Hank!



Ugh!
I give!

You're so much stronger
than you look, Hank.

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ good --
♪ good morning, U.S.A.

I have everything I need
to enjoy the game --

authentic jersey,
glove for foul balls,

and the lyrics to
"Y'All Ready For This?"

So I don't forget them like a
fool when everyone's singing it.

Wonderful.

Yep, seems like you got
everything you need,

except a happy wife.

Francine likes baseball.
She just doesn't know it yet.

For as long as I can remember,
Francine and I have shared

all the same interests -- scotch
and cigars with the fellas,

jokin' around with the guys,
poker night with the boys.

Oh, and supercharged
snowmobiles.

With the boys.

It's not safe to ride alone.

Francine doesn't do
any of that stuff.

Don't you see?
You're growing apart.

Or...or...we're growing
even closer together.

Haven't you heard the phrase
"opposites attract"?

Nope.
You -- really?

Hmm.
I'll need help explaining this.

Thanks for coming on such short
notice, MC Skat Kat.

No bigs. We gonna do this.
You know it.

♪ Baby, seems
we never ever agree ♪

♪ you like the movies,
and I like TV ♪

♪ I take things seriously --
Right. Got it.

I remember this song.

And I remember this cat,
Garfield.

This son of a bitch
hates Mondays.

But opposites don't attract.
People don't work that way.

He's right.

But, Stan, seriously,

have you heard anything about
that janitorial job?

I mean,
I'm barely getting by --

Excellent.
Let's hang out soon.

Damn it.
Okay.

Opposites don't attract,
but samesies do.

What are me and Francine's
samesies?

There's got to be
something we share!

Uh, Stan, he didn't leave.

He just ducked down
in the bushes.

Yeah, how do you think
he got here so fast?

♪ Huge cookie time,
huge cookie time ♪

I call first bite!
I call last bite!

I got it. Be a doll and keep
blowin' on that thing.

We're looking for Burt Jarvis?

Nope, not here.
Never heard of him.

Well, this is his address.

We've sent him letters,
we've called.

If he ever turns up here,
please,

tell him his people need help.

Everyone's getting sick.

What a story.
If we see him, we'll tell him.

Roger.

What were those sick people
talking about?

What?
Those two broads?

They're clearly hung up on some
guy who's not feeling it.

Huge cookie time!

No, Roger,
it's huge honesty time.

Okay, okay.

My Burt Jarvis persona
ran for -- and won --

a seat in the Nevada
state legislature.

You see, in Nevada, senators eat
free at casino buffets,

but it does not include drinks,
so I abandoned the character.

You wouldn't believe
all the letters I still get

about "poison water this"
and "poison-water that."

I mean, who even
drinks water anymore?

Grab a Coke zero, am I right?

Roger, those people need
Burt Jarvis!

We have to help them!

You just want a free trip
to Carson City, don't you?

Carson City.

Wow.

All right, fine.
We can go.

But since you're in
such a hurry...

Ugh!
What happened?

I threw up,
but the cookie blocked it.

I'm getting hit from
every angle here.

Here we are, Francine --
the ballpark.

If you thought parking in
the faraway cheap lot

and maneuvering through gang
violence was thrilling,

just wait until the first pitch!

Whatever, Stan. Can we please
get something to eat?

Of course!
We both share a love of eating!

So, what can I get you?

I'll have a large spaghetti.

They, uh, they don't have that.

Okay, I'll have
a medium spaghetti.

Look, how about I get you my
favorite snack --

a ballpark frank?

I hate hot dogs.

They remind me of
uncircumcised penises.

And you know I don't stand
for no wormies.

Oh, uh, well, forget about food.

Let's go find a memento
to share.

Shouldn't be hard.

My personal favorite --
the bobblehead.

Ew, creepy.

Their proportions are all wrong,
like little Christina Riccis.

How about these gender-neutral
pink baseball caps?

Haha! You're hilarious.

Hey, I know something we
agree on.

Hot guys.

Check out Jayson Werth
in right field.

He's got ass for days.

I think you're hotter
than he is.

Can't we agree on anything?!

Compared to that
fresh cut of meat,

I'm a double-scoop of
dog shit!

All right, Steve,
I drafted a bill

proposing drinking water
not be poisonous.

Now, let's drop it off
and hit the road.

Well, if it isn't Burt Jarvis!

Lookin' good, old friend.

Say, we got to get you and Carla
up to the lake house.

You wouldn't believe the size of
the trout this season,

and are they a-bitin'.

I hear you've been working on
a clean water bill.

Now, this is a nice piece
of legislation.

A noble undertaking indeed.

It's a shame
no one got to see it.

My best to Carla.

Did you hear that?
I'm gonna get to go fishing!

Roger, you can't just back down!
People are counting on you!

Are you crazy?
That was big john tanner,

the most influential
politician in Nevada.

Who do you think we're talking
about -- Little John Tanner?

One of the least influential
politicians in Nevada?

Ahem! I represent the good
people of Winnemucca.

So to answer
your questions --

"John from Cincinnati"
is my favorite HBO show,

Lycos is
my preferred search engine,

and when it comes to
World War II,

I got to go with my boys,
the axis powers.

Hey, buddy! You and that fascist
are on the kiss cam!

Show 'em what you got!

I will show 'em!
This is our moment!

- You suck!
- Don't get a room!

I kiss my sister
with more grace.

I thought me and Francine
were fine,

but we don't share anything.

Hell, we couldn't even share
a kiss on the kiss cam.

50,000 fans called B.S. on
our whole relationship.

A group that big is never wrong.

That's why it's called "mob
mentality," not "mob stupidity."

Just the word "mob" evokes
such fairness and justice.

I guess it's really over.

Bad news, Hayley.

Your parents
are getting divorced.

Now you're gonna have to buy
a second headband

to keep at Stan's apartment.

What is he talking about?
I just --

I realized that Francine and I
don't have any common ground.

Dad, every couple has
their differences.

Look at me and Jeff.
We couldn't be more opposite.

She's right, Mr. S. -- like, my
favorite song in the world

is "Bathtub Gin" by Phish
live at Red Rocks.

But mine is "Bathtub Gin" by
Phish live from Atlantic City.

I'm sure you and Mrs. S. were
just having an off day.

But if you want to strengthen
your relationship,

that takes time.

It requires open communication,
a lot of hard work --

Jeff’s right!
It must have been an off day.

We'll just get back on
the kiss cam,

show everybody that
me and Francine are fine,

and then everything else
will fall into place!

You think you can be on
the kiss cam twice?

Why not go for three times?
Five? 100 times?!

You kill us all with
your arrogance, Stan!

All right, Roger,
I'm off to the Hall of Records,

see if I can sniff out
who's polluting the water.

Cool. I actually have a full day
of campaigning to do.

Elections are coming up,
and according to polls,

I'm "mysterious missing
and presumed dead."

Stan, how long till
this game is over?

Okay, you know how it feels like
we've been here forever?

Well, that was only one inning,
so nine times forever.

He hasn't even
hit our section once.

This guy needs a talking to.

Stan, while you're up,
find out what they're saying

after
"Da-da-da-da-da-daaaa!"

Is it "shards"?

Whoa!
What was that?

That was a triple play, which
means Arby's has to donate

$500 to charity.

Good. I hate that place.

If Tetradual's the one doing the
dumping, we'll know soon enough.

Oh, look who finally pipes up.

We've been in the car for
20 minutes

and that's the first thing
you've said.

I know. Sorry. Catching up
on e-mails from Klaus.

Oh, my god. That guy is out of
control, right?

Does he send you like 10 a day?

Yes! And they're all about
nothing, like,

"How awesome would it be
if we both had Corvettes?"

But if you don't write back,
he flips out.

Such a bitch.

There it is!

It doesn't look so bad to me.

They're not gonna be dumping
in the open, Roger.

More likely underground
spill-off

is slowly polluting
the water table.

Whoa!

Got to love that Nevada
razzle-dazzle.

Oh, my god!

We've got 'em.

I should have seen this coming.

Why's that?

Because I'm the CEO
of Tetradual.

Uh, excuse me.
I was wondering --

wondering if I'll put you
on the kiss cam.

Well, yes. You see --
I know your story.

Johnny Jalopy brings
Susie Swiss-Cheese-Shorts

to the ball game,
hoping to shine her teeth

with tongue-polish --
but she's all Nancy no-go,

so you're Gary got-an-idea
and you Tommy two-step

to Kenny kiss-cam
to grease her wheels.

Stop me if this sounds familiar.

Oh, shit.
Are you my boss?

Hey, I recognize you.

You were the biggest misfire
of my career!

No, we weren't!
And I can prove it.

Just put us back on the
Jumbotron, no big deal.

No big deal? Was
the moon landing no big deal?

Was "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"
no big deal?

Seamlessly blending live-action
and animation?!

You know who would
disagree with you?

Bob Hoskins.
God rest his soul.

So let me ask you this.

Do you speak ill of
the dead, sir?

You know what, don't even
answer -- you're rambling.

I can't following anything
you're saying.

You're going to put us on
the Jumbotron,

or you can kiss-cam
your ass goodbye.

Now, is one of you gonna tell
me what's going on here?

You can't do this!

What's going on here?

Your husband assaulted an
innocent kiss cam operator.

He got himself banned for life.

Come on, Francine, let's go.
Unh-unh, I'm staying here.

What?!
First, you buy me a gift

that is clearly for yourself,
and now you're taking it away?

Forget it, Stan.

Plus, they just opened
a spaghetti place

on the club level --
it comes in a helmet.

Let me in right now!

Or what?
Or...

Or I'll hurt your feelings!

Beat it, buddy.

You have a terrible body.

Open the gate.

Hey, no tears, little man.

There we go.

Now why's my favorite
little cowboy

got a case of
the upside-down smiles?

My relationship with Francine
is crumbling,

and the only way to save it

is to rock her mouth
on the kiss cam.

But I was banned from
the stadium

for threatening the cameraman.
That's preposterous.

The only reason to ban someone
from a stadium is for streaking.

I don't go to the game
to be aroused.

Or if you're going to
allow streaking,

for heaven's sake,
allow masturbating.

Amen, brother.

I just need a way to get
back into that stadium.

Consider all of the CIA
at your full disposal.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Maybe I could parachute in from
a helicopter,

or scuba dive in from
the sewer, or --

There's a much easier
way to get in, Smith.

"Mister Johnson has a dog."

"Meester Juanson has a dog."

Don't break down on us.

We need you if we're gonna
win the East.

I know he hasn't looked the same
since the suspension,

but the numbers say Smith could
actually be useful

against lefties for us.

Right on time.

Sir, I have Stan and Francine
in my sights.

Stan, what are you doing here?
I thought you were banned.

I am, but there's something
in this stadium

just too precious for me
to leave behind.

Not them again.

You monsters!

♪ What I want, you've got,
and it might be hard to handle ♪

♪ like the flame that burns
the candle ♪

Hey!
That's my wife!

What?
And the only person allowed

to kiss her is me, and the men
I select for her on tinder.

I'm sorry.
I meant to kiss my wife.

She's part of this, too?
You're both banned!

What the hell's going on?!

You're out of here.

Damn.

♪ You make my dreams

You on Tinder?

People, this company has brought
nothing but pain and suffering

to our community,
and I'm shutting it down.

You just turned off
the receptionist's computer.

Well, not even that --
just the monitor.

Well, sorry for trying to make
it look cool for you, Steve.

To actually
close this place down,

I have to send like 13 e-mails
all saying the same thing

all to cliff in operations.

Yeah, I'm --
I'm bored just saying it.

I can't take this
tension anymore!

What are you doing?
Look, I know you're mad.

Damn right, I'm mad.
Yeah, well, I'm mad, too.

But mostly I'm sad.

We've grown apart.

And I'm worried about us,
Francine.

We don't share anything anymore.

We couldn't even share
a good kiss!

What are you talking about?

I'm mad because they pulled
Martinez after only 80 pitches.

Wait.
You were into the game?

The Nats are only one game back
in the wild card,

and Martinez clearly had
heat left in his arm!

What, are they saving him
for the playoffs?

There's not gonna be
any damn playoffs!

Mr. Johnson has a dog!
You like baseball!

We do share something!

Of course we share
something, Stan.

We're been married for 20 years.

We have?
We may not share everything,

but we share
the important things --

a beautiful life, two kids, HPV.

And that's forever, Stan.

I feel so stupid.

Well, at least you didn't pull
Martinez after 80 pitches.

Come here.

♪ You make my dreams come true,
you-hoo, you, you-hoo, hoo ♪

It is absolute
carnage out here on 95.

Well, what do we have here?
Looks like all this wreckage

and suffering is just
collateral damage,

because that's
a kiss for the ages.

Use that magnificent tongue,
Stan!

♪ I can laugh it in the face

He did it.

He got this stadium hornier
than I ever could've imagined.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Well, 'cause you,
ooh-ho, hoo-ooh, ooh-oo ♪

Nice.

Team Jarvis, I have good news.

We found out Tetradual was
tainting the water

and we shut 'em down.
Four more years!

Four more years --
Are not happening.

Tetradual was my only
campaign contributor, so...

Pack it up.
Hyah!

Tetradual is gone,
but Octodual is

very interested in your
re-election campaign.

Why don't we discuss it

at the lake house?

So, Big John,

why do they call you big?

Do you even like me?