American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - Stan Smith Is Keanu Reeves as Stanny Utah in Point Break - full transcript

What's up, Stan?

Wanna go to the mall

and accidentally bump kids
into the fountain?

Not a chance.

I got the day off
and nothin' to worry about.

Gonna spend it relaxing
right here.

Nothing to worry about?
In this house?

I give it five minutes before
one of us ruins it for you.

The only question is,
who will it be?

Hey, Dad!

Oh, it's gonna be Steve!



I made a new friend
on the edge of town.

He won't tell me his name!

No, that's
an inappropriate friend!

And then
there's Hayley and Jeff.

Dad, I need a pregnancy test,

and Jeff and I are too high
to drive to the drug store.

Getting high helps me
prolong our lovemaking.

How's your worry-free day
goin', Stan?

Look, we all know
what the results

of the pregnancy test
is going to be.

Jeff smokes so much weed...

ALL:
How much weed does he smoke?

That... That there's no way
he could get a girl pregnant?

I mean, it's...
It's not really a joke.



But... But I could think of one!

Oh, you lost them, Stan.

Look, if it's not this,

your family will hit you
with something else.

I mean, you haven't even heard
what I'm up to this week.

I'm trying to get
our house included

on a list of potential
World Cup sites.

Oh, no. That... That's, like,

the biggest sporting event
in the world.

Picture it... in our backyard,

120,000 horny soccer hooligans,

each of them hornier
than the last.

I know it sounds crazy,
but FIFA's narrowed it down

to either Soldier Field
or where our pool is now.

(groans) (machine beeps)

Look, Stan, you can't even see

the pack of light bulbs
I'm stealing.

We can afford those!
(machine beeps)

That's what I'm trying
to tell ya, Stan.

You can't relax around us.

Mr. S.,
I got us dancing Coke cans.

Did you get the pregnancy test?

You're silly, Mr. S.

I'm a boy. I can't get pregnant!

(machine beeping rapidly)
(whispers) There's no escaping us.

Dad, can my friend
have dinner with us?

I won't be any bother.

I'll just eat
from your boy's plate.

(beeps rapidly,
continuous tone sounds)

Wait. What?!
What does this mean?

It means you are going to die...

unless you lower
your blood pressure.

Oh, God! How do I do that?
There's only one way.

You have to reduce
your stress or...

you'll perish.

(laughing evilly)

Oh, paper towels.

I should probably get a roll
for the World Cup.

You know, for messes.

(patriotic music plays)

¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶

¶ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶

¶ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ¶

¶ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ¶

¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶

¶ Good... ¶
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶

Aah!

¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶

All right, everyone,
as the great Humpty once rapped,

"Stop what you're doin'
'cause I'm about to ruin..."

whatever it was
that you were doing.

Computer, engage.

(switch clicks, screens whirs)

(beep)

Last night, the C.I.A. mainframe
was hit by a cyber terrorist.

They acquired a lot
of valuable information.

And if you know anyone
undercover in Bolivia,

you don't anymore.

Now all evidence suggests

this attack was carried out
by cyber terrorist Max Zegarra.

And we know exactly where
he's hiding.

So the boring stuff's done.

You need someone to do
the fun part?

Grab him and bag him?

That's one way to go,

but last night I was watching
"Point Break" on TBS

when I realized,
what if this attack

was pulled off by
a pack of renegade surfers

trying to fund
an endless summer?!

Sir, that's crazy!
Jackson gets it!

Now, all I need is
someone to infiltrate

the local surf community

and bring the law breakers
to justice.

Is surfing that sport
that happens at the beach,

the most relaxed place on Earth,

nowhere near
your stressful family?

Oh, ho! Look who knows
everything about surfing!

Smith, my friend,
the assignment is yours.

STAN: Perfect.
Now I just have to blend in.

Out of the way, haole!
You're on my line.

(chain saw whirring)

Aah! Aah!

(grunts)

What's up, haole?
This beach is for locals only.

What's your zip code, bitch?

And don't... lie.

KAI: Hey, leave him alone!

Back off.
The beach is for everyone.

Says who?

The city bylaws.

Yeah? Well,
I'm gonna go down to City Hall

and talk to the head
of the records department.

And then we'll see about
your little "theory."

You're lucky, haole.
This isn't over.

Whoa! Thanks!
Yeah, no problem, man.

Don't worry about those guys.
They just don't like outsiders.

How could they tell
I'm not local?

Well, trying to surf a rowboat's
a pretty big red flag.

You don't really have
a beach vibe.

A beach vibe.

It's so simple.

Do I have it now?

All right, tell you what...

Come back tomorrow,
and I'll show you.

By the way, I'm Kai.

I was named after
one of the Hawaiian Islands.

Which one? Maui.

The best one. Nice!

Not sure how you get "Kai"
out of that, but nice.

(doorbell rings)

(Italian accent) Buongiorno.

I am from FIFA's World Cup
site selection committee.

Ugh. Roger!

But I must make a mistake.

This is no stadium.
This is a house.

Actually, it's more of a home...

Home of the future World Cup.

(chuckles)

Clever.

But being clever is only 60%
of the selection process.

Let's talk
security infrastructure.

Oh, yes, of course.
Business before pleasure.

But before that, pleasure.

Ants on a log?

The ant.

(crunches) The ant...
is amazing.

Oh, thank God. But...

I have not tried the log.

(gasps) (crunches)

All right, that's it. I'm out.

The log... She is incredible.

I'm telling you, a-a Ferrari
is faster than a cop car.

Steve, a cop car can catch
a Ferrari. Trust me.

Dad, can you believe this guy?

Ugh. This is still happening?

I-I gotta...
I-I gotta go to the beach.

(The Hollywood Tornadoes'
"Bustin' Surfboards" playing)

You know why
I love surfing, Stan?

It's all about learning
to let go.

You know, I fathered six kids
in three different countries,

and I just let 'em all go.

I can't let go.

I have to be responsible
for my family.

If I let go,
all hell would break loose.

Stan, make me a promise.

The right wave is gonna come,
dude.

And when it does, you're gonna
let go of your worries.

Just go with the flow.

Whenever.

This one! P-Paddle!
Paddle, Stan! Now, now, now!

Stan, hamburger buns were
on sale, so I stole 600.

When I have a baby,
I'm gonna name it, "Recycling."

Dad, me and my mysterious friend

are blood brothers now!

Stan, FIFA says
the downstairs bathroom's

gonna need 70 urinals.

It'll work if we move
the hamper.

KAI: Remember, Stan! Let go!

I'm doing it!

Ahh.

Looks like
you're startin' to get it.

I feel so... relaxed.

Whoa, is that a soul patch?

Huh. It must've grown in
during my ride.

Stan, it looks really good.

I didn't know we got a hammock.
When did we get a hammock?

Oh, sorry.
Didn't see you on the phone.

All good, Klaus. I'm just
listening to the surf report.

4-foot swells
and glassy as hell.

Sounds like glassy is
where it's at, bro.

Tap it.

Ooh, I like Surfer Stan.
He's the chillest.

Dad, my new friend needs to
stop by his ex-wife's house

to pick up some stuff,
and he asked me to be lookout.

Can we take your car?
He's not allowed to drive

'cause the state's
a bunch of assholes.

Yeah, do your thing.
That worked?

Go, Steve.
Don't question it. Just go.

Oh, hey, Stan, good news.

We've been approved
for a liquor license

for the World Cup.

We can sell beer,
wine, and soju.

We can make soju cocktails.

They taste like normal cocktails
except they suck

and they taste like nail polish.

Sounds dank, bro.

Relax, Stan.

Wait. What's wrong with you?

I got a quarter million-person
liquor license

for the stadium
I'm building in your backyard.

There are gonna be
Costa Ricans on your property.

That doesn't worry you?

Guess you didn't get the memo.

I'm a surfer now,
and I don't have worries.

Sorry, I had your copy
of the memo.

(chuckles) I thought I might
see you back out here.

Looks like you got the bug.

Is that why my stool
is crazy loose?

No, Stan. I think it's that
starfish we all saw you eat.

I'm talking about
the surf bug, bro,

where all you think about
is surfin'.

Is that all you think about?
Surfin' waves?

Truth is, there's only one wave
I think about surfing anymore.

You know how waves, like,
go from the ocean to the shore?

Okay!

Well, legend has it,
every decade,

there's a freak weather system
over the Atlantic

that reverses the jet stream,

and on one beach in Florida,

you can catch a wave
that starts on the beach

and ride it all the way
to the center of the Atlantic.

Stranded in the middle
of the Atlantic?

Your worries will never
find you there.

Anyway, how about right now,
we ride this wave together?

Sounds good. After you.

No, Stan. Together.

Got it. Me first.

(surf rock music playing)

Whoo-hoo! (Cheering)

Stan, meet the crew...
Gorney, Sam, and Taylor.

That was amazing!

Dude, you're a natural!

Kai, big news, man.

There's a typhoon
in the Atlantic

that's reversing the jet stream.

This is it, Stan!
The wave that goes out!

Are you kidding me?
We were just talking about that.

We're going to Florida,
and you're coming with us.

(cellphone rings)

(beep) Mahalo, Deputy D.

Stow that surf shit, Smith!

We caught the hacker,
so I'm bringing you in.

You're back at your desk
tomorrow.

STAN: What?!

Turns out "Point Break"
wasn't the clue.

It was just the movie that
was on when I was super high.

But now that I'm medium high,

I realize it was ridiculous
to suspect those surfers at all.

Okay, they may not be hackers...
(laughter)

But I have a hunch
they're up to something.

It... It's way too soon
to take me off the case.

A hunch isn't good enough.
I need evidence!

No worries, brah.

(beeps)

(gunshot) (customers scream)

My name is Kai.

This is Gorney, Taylor, and Sam.

We are surfers,
and this is a bank robbery.

(high-pitched voice)
You tell 'em, Kai!

(low-pitched voice)
We're doing this to fund

our surf adventures. (Thud)

(wood creaks)

(wood rattling)

(normal voice)
And we laugh at the C.I.A.!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha...

And they're laughing at us.
That's what really gets me.

Are we sure they're not
laughing with us?

This is why I need
to stay on the beach.

It might take a lifetime
of undercover work

to bring them all to justice.

They just robbed a bank
on video!

We've got all we need.
Bring them in.

But th-this case goes deeper.
This is just the tip.

The tip is my favorite part,
Smith.

The tip's all I need.

Any more than that,
and it's too much!

Well, I-I-I wanna bring them in
as much as anyone.

But can't it be after I surf
a little bit more?

We're gonna go to Florida
and surf the wave that goes out!

It's called Firestone Beach,

but the locals call it
Shady Cove.

And I wanna go there
and surf with them!

They're my best friends!
Best friends?

One... that hurts my feelings.

Two... the fact that they are
your best friends

makes me hate them even more!

Bring them in immediately!

But, Sir... Just go!

(voice breaks)
I don't want you to see me cry.

Drive, drive, drive!
(tires peal)

(gasps) Those low-key surfers
have kidnapped my best friend.

But where?
Where are they taking him?!

He said something about
a beach. What was it?

Damn it, Avery.
He's your best friend!

You should've been listening!

This is why he's looking for
other best friends!

(surf rock music playing)

Yes!

The music's a clue. Follow it.

¶¶

(surf rock music playing)

Hanging with you guys
is the best.

And this horchata stuff
is on point.

I gotta tell you, Kai,

there is literally nothing
that can ruin this for me.

(buzzing)

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.

(buzzing)

Look at that,

I didn't worry,
and the bee flew away

right across the street
and onto Dick's jacket.

(screaming)

(gunshots)

(gasps) Dick! The C.I.A.!
Everyone in the van!

We can't just get in the van.

We gotta finish chillin' first.

Well, chill as fast as you can!
(slurping loudly)

(gunshots continue)
(Dick screaming)

(gunshots and screaming
continue)

(slurping and screaming stop)
All right, good chill.

(gunshots continue)

(cellphone rings and vibrates)

(beep)

Hey, Stan, you need to get home.

I went with
an iffy scaffolding company,

and there is, uh...

there's a lot
of dead migrant workers here.

Their families are asking
a lot of questions.

I could really use somebody
on damage control.

So... get here. (Beep)

He could be anywhere.

Oh, God. What did I do?!

Stan, you're hiding it
really well, bro,

but I know you,
and you seem stressed.

I have something to tell you,
and you're not gonna like it.

I work for the C.I.A.,

and I was sent undercover
to investigate you guys.

But why? We're not bad guys.

I know. You're awesome guys.

So awesome,
I decided to frame you

so I could stay undercover.

I robbed a bank and made
the C.I.A. think you did it.

It's cool. You're not mad?

What? Because you made us
enemies of the state?

We can't get hung up
on every little thing.

The thing is, if we go to
the wave that goes out,

they'll probably find us.

And if they do, they'll shoot
first and ask questions later.

I get it, dude.

Hey, guys! Put out the bonfire.

Stan's in the C.I.A.
and framed us for a crime.

His boss will kill us
if he, like, finds us,

which means we're not going to
surf the wave that goes out.

Cool. Sounds good.

Righteous.

(hisses)

I'm sorry you guys aren't gonna
be able to surf that wave.

Do you guys think
the stars have waves?

I bet they do, man.

I bet there's even aliens
that surf those star waves.

They probably even have
a Space Surfer magazine.

You know there's
so many sick photos

of aliens riding waves
in that magazine.

Wow, nothing really fazes
you guys, huh?

(insects chirping)

Do you have any secrets?

I got one secret.

How about I tell you a secret,
then you tell me yours?

I can't tell ya my secret.

If I tell ya,
you won't like me anymore.

Impossible.
You could tell me anything.

We'll be friends to the end.

Yeah.

Friends to the very end.

Man, this is the best.

Hey, what do you...
What do you see over there?

(surf rolling)

KAI: Dear Stan... (Santo &
Johnny's "Sleep Walk" playing)

I know I said I was okay not
surfing the wave that goes out,

but then I woke up to pee
and decided I wanted to.

Hope you're not worried.
We're not.

Love always, Kai.

P.S... (song stops)

(song resumes) I wrote that
postscript pretty close to the water.

So if it got washed away
by a wave,

don't worry because...
(song stops)

no worries.

I'm sorry, Kai,
but there are worries.

There are lots of worries.

For instance,
I'm standing on a jellyfish,

and the jellyfish
has attracted wolves...

(growling) ...and the wolves
are being hunted by poachers.

You've seen too much.

(gun cocks)

(lively beach music playing)

Thanks for getting me out of
that scrape back there, Herbie.

Although
I still think you could've

let those poachers live.
(Ahooga horn blows)

Well, we all have to come

to our own moral conclusions
in life.

I hope you make it back
to your race in time.

(tires peal)

I don't get it, Kai.

The waves are all going
the normal direction.

Relax, man.

The wave that goes out comes
when you least expect it...

every 10 years... on the dot.

(suspenseful music plays)

(brakes screech) Oh, no!

All right,
everyone have their sun block?

Good. Safety first.

Now let's find out

if I'm pointing this
rocket launcher the right way.

3... 2... Wait! No!

Oh, great, Smith.

Now I have to start counting
all over.

Stan, what are you doing here?

We told you not to worry.

The thing is, I'm a worrier.

I was worrying about my family,
and that stressed me out,

so I tried to get away
from them.

But I just started worrying
about you guys.

Turns out if I love someone,
I worry about them.

And if someone's gonna
stress me out,

I'd rather it be my family
than you guys.

Did Stan just say he loves us?

He did, Gorney. He did.

I robbed the bank. It was me.

I did it because I wanted
to keep hanging out

with my friends.
They're not your friends!

Friends wouldn't let you
rob a bank all by yourself.

I'd be shoulder to shoulder
with you, Smith, blasting away!

Just... like... this!

Get out of here! Fire!

(gunshots)

Kai, what should we do?!

Whatever you do, don't worry!

Hang dead.

(rocket whooshes)

It's real, Stan!
The wave that goes out is real!

I'll never forget you!

Damn! Looks like they got away.

But a wave can only
go out so far

before it's a wave
coming back in somewhere else.

And I've got a hot tip
on where that might be.

(surf rock music playing)

Where?

Dad, great news.

My nameless friend
just finished making wine

in the upstairs toilet.

Now we're gonna bottle it.
Wanna watch?

Hey, Mr. S.

(sighs) It's been
a pretty stressful few days

for Hayley and I.

Unfortunately, the pregnancy
test came back negative.

But it got us talking,

and we've decided that
we're ready to have kids.

All we're asking for is

your emotional
and financial support.

(hammering)

Stan, we lost the World Cup bid.

But don't worry. Don't worry.

If we act fast, I think
we can get the Boston Marathon.

(hammering) Stop hammering!

They'll have to find
somewhere else

for people to run
the Boston Marathon!

And you two! You're not even
close to ready to have kids!

And, Steve, you numbnuts,
this man is a drifter!

He needs to go! But he
doesn't have anywhere to go!

He has everywhere!

Steve, don't argue
with your dad.

He just saved your life.

Boop! That was my secret.
(chuckles) Best get driftin'.

Honey, what's all the yelling?

You're supposed to be
avoiding stress.

I don't have to.

I went back to the drug store,

and that old crone
runs the photo department.

So I went to a real doctor,
and he gave me pills,

and I took all of them
because I love you idiots,

and that causes me

(slurring) a lot of stress.

It's okay. He's breathing.

Let's draw a dick on his face.

Of course I know what
one looks like,

but, Hayley,
why don't you draw it?

Hi, I'm big wave rider
Laird Hamilton.

We made some jokes tonight

about people abusing
prescription drugs.

I just wanted to point that out.
It was pretty funny.

Bye! Have a beautiful time!

Captions by VITAC...