American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 4 - N.S.A. (No Snoops Allowed) - full transcript

What do people think of
when they think of Germany?

All: Uh...

The Holocau--

Hazelnut omelets! Exactly!

And the next batch is almost...

Oh, god.
The Roomba heard that.

Nobody move!

[ Roomba whirs ]

[ Melody plays ]

[ Beep ]

[ All sigh ]



And none of us remember
buying that?

So there's a new web program
called Facebook.

It's the most efficient way
to wish people happy birthday.

[ All chuckle ]

What?
Why are you snickering?

Dad, Facebook's, like,

the oldest web site
in the world.

Francine,
you missed a couple hazelnuts.

Some went under the fridge.

I know some went under
the fridge, Klaus.

That's why I'm sweeping
under the fridge.

I'd like to join Facebook,

but my work computer
won't let me.

I hit the "enter" key
as hard as I could,



but even that didn't work.

Can you have a look
at my "enter" key?

Dad, your keyboard's fine.

I mean,
you broke your "enter" key,

but that's not the problem.
There's probably a firewall.

Just download Ultrasurf,
unzip the software,

put the executable
on a flash drive --

Wait, let's back up a bit.

Where does my computer go
when I'm asleep?

Okay, not to be a nag,

but I think if you just sweep
with less of a wide motion

and more of a --

You know what, Klaus?

If you want your precious
hazelnuts, you sweep 'em up.

Ew, we all heard that.

Tense.

Dad, why don't you just
bring me to work with you?

I'll set your computer up.

Hmm. You hanging around
all my badass colleagues.

I don't know.

Dad, I won't embarrass you.

You know what?
Maybe it'll be good for you.

Yes!
You'll wear pants.

I have the perfect pair
of khakis from...

Petite Sophisticate.

[ Sighs ]
Of course you do.

Awesome! I get to miss
the rope climb in gym class.

Not only are my arms too weak
to pull myself up,

but I don't like the feeling
the rope makes

as it rubs
against my genitals...

until I do like it.

Steve, wait!
You haven't tried --

Okay, Klaus, I will try
one of your hazel whatevers.

Mmm! This is really good.
What's in it?

Hazelnut, butter, eggs,
veal, milk.

[ Spits ]
I use whole milk. Some people --

Wait. Veal?!
There's meat in this?

For thickening.
You know what they say --

you can't make

hazelnussomeletten
without kinderkuhfleische.

Klaus! I haven't meat
in over a year!

[ Gagging, coughing ]

How do you like yours, Roger?

[ Roomba whirring ]
Ah, it's great, it's great.

♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say

♪ Good --
♪ good morning, U.S.A.

Wow, this is cool.

Dad, you think I could be
in the C.I.A. someday?

I don't know, son.

The C.I.A. is all about guys
who can do stuff like this.

[ Gasps, groans ]

Whoa, that was awesome!

[ Chuckles ]
Jim is an old friend.

[ Raspy voice ] It's Carl.
[ Gasps ]

You see what those jackoffs did?

They've blocked my view!

It's a strong word,
but it's appropriate.

Those jackoffs!

Who?
Who are the jackoffs?

Our number one rival --
the National Security Agency.

Spy on this, nerds!

[ Window squeaks ]

Aren't you guys
on the same team?

Steve, let me show you
an informative film.

Man:
The C.I.A. began as

the office
of strategic services.

Stan: [ Lowered voice ]
Recognize the voice?

...founded by
"Wild Bill" Donovan

whose courage
and overall badass-ery

helped win World War II.

Have you figured it out?
It's a famous actor.

"Sling Blade"?

He was everything
a C.I.A. agent should be --

a brave,
big-chinned tough guy.

Steve:
Oh, it's Billy Bob Thornton.

Stan: Yeah! Couple of
the guys got to meet him.

They said he was pretty cool.

And though
we've had our failures...

...we've won
our nation's trust,

and we kept
that bastard Fidel Castro

from getting his hands
on America.

Then someone decided
the American taxpayers

should foot the bill
for more government,

and the National Security Agency was born.

They secretly monitor
all kinds of communication,

including the phone calls
of American citizens.

We fight over how much
of the federal budget

we should each get.

Last year, those jackoffs
cost us a ping pong table.

Now our game room
only has four games.

When I grow up, I wanna work
here with you, dad.

[ Scoffs ] Not if you're
sleeping on the double bank.

All right. 1 to 9.

[ Sniffles ] Sorry, toilet.

I know you've been a vegetarian
as long as I have.

Oh, enough.
[ Toilet flushes ]

Be honest. It was delicious
coming up, wasn't it, Hayley?

What? No! I --
I'm a committed vegetarian.

Wasn't it, Hayley?

Fine, fine!
It was delicious!

Listen, it's great that
you're a vegetarian.

But you know that movie
"The Purge"?

Is that the movie where
those girls go shopping?

No, Hayley, you're thinking
of "The Splurge,"

my unproduced screenplay,

and I told you
not to speak of it

because people steal
great ideas.

What you need is
a vegetarian purge --

one day a year
when you go crazy on meat.

No. That violates
all the principles --

[ faucet squeaks ]

[ Imitates water gushing ]

Think it over.
I'll be in your bath.

I'm not actually gonna
clean myself.

I just like to sit on the drain
while it empties.

Now you share something
crazy about you.

Okay, I culled your bloatware,
disabled running services.

Did you know you were still
using Netscape navigator?

I use these!

Time for lunch, Smith.
Ah, your son.

Put her there, young man.

Mr. Bullock, can I come to
lunch with you guys?

Hmm, with that limp handshake?

Strength's not my speciality,
but --

Yes, I'm not sure you should
come with us to Applebee's.

We have a reputation to
uphold with our waitress, Trish.

She's a single mother
with sass to spare!

Coming, Smith?

Or do you have plans
with Edward Sissyhands here?

Steve will be good here.
You still have work to do.

Sorry about my goofball son, sir.
[ Elevator bell dings ]

His handshake
grosses me out, too.

Not exactly C.I.A. material.

You convinced me.

About what?
Baths make me forgetful.

That I might as well
eat meat today.

I still love it,
and I really miss it.

For the next 24 hours,
Hayley Smith is a carnivore.

I want to eat a cheeseburger.

Ow! Too hard.

Stupid dad.
Not C.I.A. material?

So what if I can't shake
a hand right?

Let's see what happens when
I refuse to update your adobe.

No, no, that's too much.

Every Adobe update is critical

and should be
installed immediately.

But stupid dad!

[ Computer bloops ]

Who's watching me?
[ Computer bloops ]

[ Cell phone blooping ]

Who are you?

A guy who knows that
Amanda Duquette digs you.

And no shame in that.
She's a solid six.

Sixes and fives --
that's where the bargains are.

How do you know about Amanda?

Oh, sorry. I'm Nat.

I work for
the National Security Agency.

We saw what you were doing
with your dad's computer,

and we think you, Steve Smith,
are N.S.A. material.

Really? Hey, do you ever listen
to my conversations with snot?

[ Scoffs ]
We're the N.S.A.

We got better things to do
than listen

to two confused kids
flirt with each other.

[ Chuckles ] What a relief.

Your dad ditched you to go
to Applebee's with his friends.

How'd you know that?

We're the N.S.A. We know
who goes to Applebee's.

See, we don't learn stuff

the dumb,
old-fashioned C.I.A. way.

We use our heads here.

Come on.
Let me show you a movie.

I'm watching a lot
of movies today.

Man: World War II
wasn't won by jocks.

It was won by nerds.

We built the first computers

and broke the Japanese
and German codes.

Steve: Now this one I got.
That's George Takei.

A single N.S.A. computer

does more than
a hundred C.I.A. agents.

We monitor
the world's communications.

If you're talking,
the N.S.A. is listening.

That's what keeps America safe.

[ Crunching ]
That was George Takei.

Yeah, I said that already.

Sorry, I can't hear anything
when I'm munching my corns.

[ Crunches ]

Mmm! [ Crunching ]

Oh! Shh!

Oh, I'm so disgusted
with myself,

but I can't stop eating this.

What did I say?
You would love it.

And what happened?
You love it!

Oh, we're not stopping here,
Roger.

If I'm having a meat day,
I'm going all the way.

I want to get weird.
You mean...

Roger, take me to Koreatown.

Take you? I mean,
can we just go to Koreatown?

What's gonna happen?
I'm gonna be driving,

and you're gonna sit
in the back?

I'm glad your son
didn't ruin our lunch.

It would've revolted me
to see his limp wrist

holding up a chicken tender.

And Trish!
What would Trish think?

Arm strength isn't his thing.

Steve will find his thing,
I don't know,

working on a computer
someplace, like...

♪ Doop be doop be doop

[ laughs ]
Nerds are like that.

♪ Doop be doop be doop
[ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ]
That's not how I talk!

I don't say...
♪ Doop be doop be doop

you guys are watching them
all the time?

Yeah, the more dirt
we get on them,

the more of their budget
we can take.

We've been trying to get on
to your dad's computer,

but we can't figure out
where he keeps his files.

[ Laughter ]
♪ Doop be doop be doop

How is he still doing it?

And how is he still
getting laughs?!

There you are. Hey,
sorry about lunch, buddy.

But thanks
for setting up Facebook.

Facebook...on!

Notify my friends of
my many accomplishments... on!

I need to take your disks, okay?

To get them...
digitally cleaned.

Should I get the whole
computer cleaned?

Would that make it happier?

No.
It doesn't feel anything.

Sometimes I wish
I was a computer.

You sound a little ominous,
Steve.

Is everything okay?

Yes, everything's fine.

Cool!

[ Squeaks ]

Eat it, Hayley.
Eat it!

[ Shudders ]

[ Groaning ]

[ Slurps and gulps ]

Oh, my god.

I could feel him fighting
all the way down my throat.

He did not wanna die.

Hayley,
what's your wildest fantasy?

I've been kidnapped
by three African guys,

and while
the whole village watches,

their most powerful warrior
demands that I disrobe.

Whoa, okay, fascinating.
Will return to.

But I meant
your wildest food fantasy.

I, uh...
I don't know if I should say.

Oh, this is gonna be good!

I've always wanted to eat
a gorilla --

a gorilla that can speak
sign language.

I wanna eat its brain.

Oh, that is truly horrifying.

Oh, I'm disgusted!
You should be disgusted.

But I do know a guy.

I can't believe this.

The C.I.A. would be stupid
to store their data this way.

They are stupids!

Oh, with what's on here,

we could take them down!
There won't even be a C.I.A.

Wait, that seems a tad strong.

You don't get a vote.

I thought
I was N.S.A. material.

Not anymore. You're what we call
a "discarded asset."

[ Door whooshes ]
Later, traitor.

[ Gasps ]

[ Door whooshes ]

[ Door whooshes ] Sorry, gotta
swipe you out of this door, too.

[ Door whooshes ] That'll get
you as far as the cafeteria.

Someone there will have to
swipe you to the garage.

Then you can just walk up
the ramp.

Technically, you have
to swipe at the top,

but it's just one of
those arm gates,

so you can just duck
under it. Uh, bye!

[ Door whooshes ]

[ Crickets chirping ]

Oh...
[ Mumbles indistinctly ]

[ Playing harmonica ]

The C.I.A.
What happened to the C.I.A.?

Hush, papa. The C.I.A. is gone.
It's been gone for a long time.

Who betrayed me?
Someone betrayed me.

Well, I did it.

I provided food for the family.

It's Klaus.

But... But...

[ Voice breaking ]
We can't afford tartar sauce!

[ All sobbing ]

Well, I guess I'd better go
to my job as a stripper.

[ Horns honking ]

[ Siren wailing ]

What's happened?
[ Latin music playing ]

[ Spanish accent ]
With your C.I.A. gone,

it was easy for Cuba
to invade United States.

All hail Fidel!
[ Shouting indistinctly ]

[ Gasps ]
What a horrible nightmare.

And why did I include that
extra part

where I actually saw
mom stripping?

One problem at a time.

[ Snoring ]

Dad. Dad, wake up.
I did something terrible.

I was snooping on you,

and I heard
what you said about me.

And I got so mad
I betrayed you to the N.S.A.

N.S.A.?

I gave them
all your floppy disks,

and they're gonna use them

to put the C.I.A.
out of business!

I feel so awful.
How can I make this up to you?

I'm afraid that's impossible,
son.

Wha... No! Papa, please!

Remember when you and I built
that fort out in the woods?

I'd suggest you go live
in that fort, Steve.

No traitors can live
under my roof.

Can --
can I say goodbye to mom?

That's her waving goodbye,
Steve.

I'm on my own...
maybe forever.

[ Crying ]

I should probably wait
to eat my snacks.

I'll just put 'em
where I can see 'em.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Bird chirps ]

[ Squawks ]

[ Inhales deeply ]

[ Southern accent ] So y'all
wanna eat a signing gorilla?

We got one. Mittens!

[ Door squeaks ]

You got the money?

All right. You folks think
about wine pairings.

[ Stomp ]

Are we okay with this?

After today,
I am never eating meat again.

But I'm going out on top.

No, I mean,
are we okay with wine?

I've always heard beer
with gorilla brain.

[ Thunder crashing ]

[ Steve shivering ]

Why did I betray my dad?

And why did I eat all my snacks?

You'll always have snacks
as long as I'm around.

Dad!

Steve,
I was hurt you betrayed me.

But now I can see
where it came from.

I was just so mad.

You told your friends
I wasn't C.I.A. material!

And then I turned out not to be!

Whoa, buck up, son.
I'm sorry I said that.

And I was wrong, anyway.

I mean, you figured out my plan.

You're right. I...
Your plan?

You knew I'd never
kick you out of the house.

I just needed to get you
somewhere where I knew

the N.S.A. couldn't snoop on us.

Right. Your plan.

That's why I could afford to eat
all my snacks right away.

I didn't have to play
the long game.

Now, where do you think
my disks are?

Forget the disks.
They've uploaded the data.

They won't be clouded yet,
not secure enough.

But it will be somewhere
backed up on their server farm.

Okay, I don't know
what any of that means.

The crucial thing is
we get those disks back.

How are we gonna get in there?

They have triple lock,
fingerprint encryption systems.

Did you check the roof?

Nerds never go up on the roof.

'Cause of the sun.

[ Pop, rope whirs ]

Come on, Steve! Follow me up!

A rope climb?
Dad, I can't do it!

Sure, you can, Steve!

I don't always say it,
but I believe in you!

[ Groans ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Groans ]

I'm doing it!
All by myself.

[ Grunts ] Uh-oh.

Here's where the rubbing
starts to feel funny.

This'll be a bad time
for a boner.

Don't think about
the rope at school.

Aah! [ Panting ]

I did it! Go home?

Job's not done, son.

[ Metal clangs, thuds ]

Well, isn't this cute?
Father and son.

Yeah, that's right.

This is my dad,
Stan Smith of the C.I.A.

C.I.A.?!
No, The-Theodore!

[ Sighs ] Shoot them.

You ever even fire
that thing, son?

[ Nerdy voice ] No. I downloaded
a PDF about gun use.

Shoot him!

[ Gunshot, glass shatters ]
Aah! So loud!

You're just a bunch of nerds.
What do bullies do to nerds?

Steve?

A purple nurple!

Ah, ah, ah!
Titty twister!

Okay, now how 'bout one
that's not on the nipple?

Noogie!
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Quit punching yourself!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Pig belly!
[ Slapping sound ]

Aah, aah, aah, aah, aah!
Wedgie! No. Atomic wedgie!

[ High-pitched voice ]
Aah, aah, aah!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ah, ah, ah!

Aah! Ow, ow, ow.

You're what we call...
a discarded asshole.

[ Door whooshes ]

Lousy machines.

Storing America’s private data.

[ Clanking ]

Dad, dad!
I know a better way.

They were all connected
in a series.

Like Christmas lights, papa.

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Machines powering down ]
No!

Error 404 --
N.S.A. files not found.

Nat, are you gonna take
that underwear off your head?

It's the only thing
that feels good right now.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Fork clinks ]

Mmm, I think I just ate
the memory

of when it was taken away
from its mom.

So no sides at all?

[ Fork clinks ]

Mmm, oh...

Oh, no.
Oh, this was a mistake.

You're damn right it was!

Gus Derwitt, U.S. Fish
& Wildlife Service.

We got you on tape
eating an endangered species.

That's
a 10-year prison term.

Please, she accidentally ate
veal this morning.

You can see how we got here.

We're so sorry!
Please don't turn us in!

Hmm, well, my hands
aren't exactly clean either.

There was probably a way
to do this

without butchering a gorilla.

Tell you what, give me $10,000,

I'll let you walk.

I have $60.

I have two stamps
and a used ticket

to Chicago’s Adler Planetarium.

Hand it over and get out of here
before I change my mind.

[ Gulps ]
There should be sides.

We got 60 bucks

and whatever two forever stamps
is worth these days.

[ Growls ]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[ Grunts ]

[ Growls ]

The old gorilla brain switcheroo

doesn't play like it used to.

Maybe we need a new swindle.

You wanna grift with
someone else? That's fine.

But you still gon' be
my husband.

[ Grunts ]

Tonight, you proved
you are C.I.A. material.

We just did a mission together.

Put her there.

Hmm, nothing we can do
about the sweat.

That's from your mom's side.

But you can tighten up the grip.

Alright, alright, still pretty weak,
but getting there.

There it is, now there's a handshake.

Cute kid. You leaving him as a tip?

Cause last time you didn't leave a tip.

Trish.