American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 22 - Standard Deviation - full transcript

Dad, I'm gonna be late for registration.
Well, you're already two years late for graduation, so...
Just take a side street.
Hayley, you were right here
when I enter our destination on the nav.
That's the plan and I'm sticking to it.
So, you're just gonna drive behind
the Bazooka Sharks championship parade.
Yeah.
(cheers and applause)
Obviously you're not a planner.
I mean, the course catalogue you're looking at
is a pizza menu.
Aww, so black olives doesn't meet
my Cultural Studies requirement.
All I'm saying is that you lack focus,
and that's what a plan gives you.
Maybe if you stuck to a plan, you wouldn't be such a --
well, I wouldn't say a failure.
Oh. Well what would you say, then?
I won't say a failure. But you keep saying that.
"Failure" is the only word you're saying.
Your words, not mine.
(snoring)
Uh, sir? (gasps)
And I say, "Look, I'm happy you're having your night."
So underneath it, there's love.
'Cause when the chips are down, are you there for each other?
Are you doing this,
"you're selfish," "you're unwieldy" stuff?
Is this still about the arms dealer mission?
This is about any relationship you're building.
(groans) Maybe a single diagram will help.
There's still that, uh, important phrase.
Important phrase.
Oh, but he has a different important phrase
that's underneath it, you know?
So that's one version of it.
This is where it breaks down in my mind.
I mean, that could be a cleaner versus un-cleaner ring to it.
Does any of this make sense?
No, no. It totally makes sense what you're saying, sir.
Good. Smith, you'll head up the mission.
And don't forget this part.
Ohh. Ahh.
(theme music plays)
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
¶ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ¶
¶ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ¶
¶ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ¶
¶ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
¶ Good -- ¶ ¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
Aah!
¶ Good morning, U.S.A. ¶
I got the recipe for this soup from a magazine.
That's great, Francine.
Your quest for knowledge is taking you to incredible places.
Well, what do you think?
(vomits)
It's not your soup, Mom.
My husband is getting into hallucinogenic teas.
See? This is what I'm talking about.
What's that, Dad? Your sister ran off
and got married with no idea what she was doing.
You had no plan!
And now you're surprised the guy turns out to be a bum?
(gagging, vomits) Gross! Gross!
Worse! Worse!
Dad, no plan could have predicted my husband
turning into this --
tripping on tea and hallucinating
he was on another planet.
But it happened, babe.
On that trip, I lived an entire lifetime.
And I dedicated it to mastering an exotic musical instrument.
(laughing) Whoa! Kindle on sleep mode.
I think I'm gonna have to see this one all the way through.
Look. You don't have to be as aimless as him.
Come to work with me -- you'll see a bunch of guys
whose lives depend on planning.
I guess it couldn't hurt.
The soup is from Bicycling Magazine.
It's called "Homemade Paste For Patching a Flat Tire."
All right, Jeff. Set the scene.
You drank this tea and you were transported to a planet
called... Gewee.
Gewee! What a cute name!
And there you played an instrument.
The turin. The turin!
Marvelous! Just marvelous!
Roger, are you teasing Jeff or what?
Do you believe this? Steve, I am today trying to,
for once in my life, have a tiny bit of fun.
I just need to buy a turin, play it for Hayley,
and show her I'm not totally crazy.
Can I help you guys?
I'm looking for a turin. I've never heard of a turin, man.
This turkey's never heard of a turin.
It's like a lute and a bagpipe in one,
where the body of the lute is the bag of the bagpipe.
Uh, but how can --
On the turin, the body is soft because it's made from
the skin of a yarelwood fruit.
He became the master of this instrument
while on a shamanistic voyage.
A master of the instrument, Roger.
I'm no Pu Aberlmarl.
Of course! No one's saying that.
But I think I play pretty well
for a guy with just one mouth.
Maybe you could make one, Jeff.
I'd really like to hear this thing.
Imagine a person who didn't want to hear the turin played.
I can't even start. I mean, what --
Okay, okay. I need to put that kind of person out of my mind.
Because that kind of person makes me furious!
Oh, no. Look.
Let's just chill and get some yarelwood tomorrow.
Female yarelwood.
I don't want that thing biting me.
(laughs) Fun! That's a fun detail.
So, Bullock puts a plan together and you guys follow it through.
What is the plan exactly?
It's right here. We open it at the rendezvous point.
Then we surprise and scoop up a group of unarmed
Russian arms dealers.
H-how can a-arms dealers be unarmed?
That's what I've been saying!
We're at rendezvous coordinates.
I don't think we should park here.
This van doesn't blend in the way Bullock thinks it does.
STAN: It's called camouflage, and it works.
Not in the nature shows I've seen.
Zebras are always getting munched up.
Everyone just re-lax.
I have Bullock's plan right here.
Alpha Team. Cool, right?
What's it say?
Hold on. What?
It says "HOLD ON." Hold on!
(glass breaks)
That must have been Bravo Team! We're in!
Let's roll, Dick!
(horn blares)
See?! They're unarmed! Engage!
What?! They all have guns!
Remember! The plan was to hold on!
Screw that! Run!
(gunfire, glass shatters)
(tires squeal)
Oh, great, Hayley. We abandoned the plan.
Now Bravo Team's gonna get all the glory.
MAN: Aah!
I can't believe you almost got me killed!
There's something going on with Bullock.
But don't give up on making plans.
Oh, okay. How about this?
I plan to go out and get wasted.
I just don't want you wandering aimlessly through life.
You're better than that. You always want me to be better.
Why can't you just like me for who I am?
Hey, guys. We were just watching some boob tube over here.
Out of earshot, if you were wondering.
Yeah! It's a show where
celebrities dive into a pool and get scores.
So... So, that's what we are doing.
¶¶
What's wrong? (scoffs)
No. Come on. No!
Don't be sad!
Listen to this deejay. He's amazing.
You know, he's been winning every night for two weeks!
Tears? No tears.
No.
Can I have some money?
(giggles)
(electronic music plays)
DJ Buttercup in the house!
I'm here all night -- except when I take a break at 3:00.
ALL: Aw!
To have sex with at least five of you.
(cheers and applause)
So, Hayley told you I've been deejaying every night
for the last two weeks?
Right, and over that time, the number of agents
who are alive has dropped radically.
And? Well, maybe it has something
to do with these extremely dangerous missions
you've been planning.
I mean, have you been sleeping?
I don't need sleep anymore!
Not since I bought all this trucker speed.
I'm done wasting my creativity on dreams.
Now I channel it all into my work.
Your deejay work or your National Security work?
You think there's a difference?
Sure. It started innocently enough.
I got into deejaying to bang the teenage girls high on sex drugs.
But then I realized there was a darker side.
What if the terrorists go after our beats next?
I-I-I don't -- H-how could they even do that?
I'm deep in the deejay world protecting American freedoms,
and I'm gonna stay there until someone defeats me.
If you want me to stop, you'll have to dethrone me yourself.
Sir, I'm not a deejay. Of course you aren't.
So I suggest you focus on your next mission.
Another one? Right away?
You and your team will travel to Mecca to film a shot-for-shot
remake of the scene in "2001"
where the apes fight around the monolith.
Like, in monkey suits?
Around the black cube?
That's the most sacred site in Islam.
Your monkey movie is top priority.
I'm already hearing Oscar whispers.
Or some sort of whispering.
Do you hear voices, Smith?
Yes. They're telling me if I don't want to die
in monkey costume, I need to learn how to deejay.
And that was "Let's Get Lost" by Chet Baker,
who either fell or was thrown to his death
from a hotel room window in Amsterdam.
I like to think he was thrown.
(laughs) Is this what you think deejaying is?
Speaking of windows, this is "Come to My Window,"
made famous by public lesbian Melissa Etheridge.
ROGER: ¶ Come to my window ¶
¶ Crawl inside, wait by the light of the moon ¶
This is deejaying.
That's deejaying?
Well, how am I supposed to learn that in two days?
Not by playing "Roger Goes Down on Lilith Fair."
I got no yarelwood in inventory. Is it called anything else?
Well I guess the ancient word for it is dragonwood,
which makes sense because it's used to make an instrument
that soothes dragons.
That makes a lot of sense. Does it?
'Cause it seems crazy. Okay, guys.
I have a lot of work to do.
Yarelwood is the most common wood on the planet Gewee.
Gotcha.
Maybe there's a wood like yarelwood.
Really, any wood from a tree that grows when you sleep by it
and swell it with your dreams!
Maybe plywood?
What, I don't know how you grow plywood.
(laughs) Just when I thought I'd heard
every wood joke there was, I hear a fresh one.
Help yourself to the scrap wood around back.
(chuckles) You've earned it.
Did you get my joke back there?
I don't know. What was it?
I don't know.
And he was talking into his lamp like it was a microphone.
Anyway, he looked so --
Stupid. I know, I looked stupid.
Plus I owe Snot concert tickets.
He called for Steve, and he was the ninth caller.
Anyway, I'm in way over my head here.
Can you help me plan my deejay set?
You can't plan a deejay set.
You've got to read the room, go with the flow,
know when to heat things up and when to cool things out.
But I've always needed a plan.
Well, then, you're gonna lose to Bullock.
I'm gonna lose more than that.
'Cause if I can't beat him, I have to lead his next mission.
Wait, he -- he planned another mission?
Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Th-that's suicide!
Stan, this suicide mission sounds...risky.
Risky? How? Suicide's just that thing when you mix
all the sodas together into one super soda.
Here, Dad, drink this tea.
Uck! That was terrible!
It was Jeff's Brazilian tea. You drugged me?!
Dad, you're out of time.
Maybe this will rewire your mind,
help you improvise and beat Bullock.
Ooh.
I haven't had mushroom tea in ages.
What? You did it last weekend at the Sheraton Hotel --
--ton Hotel bar. Let's go there.
I'm starting...to feel something.
Dad, are you okay?
I think I should sit down.
Um, you already fell down.
You're lying by your throw-up bucket.
(bones click melodically)
(electronic music playing)
(eyeballs popping)
Dad? Dad, are you okay?
Dad, are you okay?
(music resumes)
(bullock laughing)
BULLOCK: Oscar whispers.
(eagle screeches)
(bullock laughing)
(music continues)
HAYLEY: Go with the flow! Go with the flow.
Go with the flow. Go with the flow. Go with the flow...
I got this. I can go with the flow.
I can beat Bullock.
¶¶
¶ Go ¶
(electronic music playing)
(cheering)
We have a new champion!
Let's hear it for Standard Deviation!
(cheers and applause)
You did it, Dad! You improvised!
Nope. I just downloaded a set from YouTube
onto this zip drive.
Dad! Awesome, huh?
Some weirdo called Sam F. who had about a gazillion likes
made it. It was the perfect plan!
Ugh, who cares? You're safe!
But hide that thing, you doof.
Come with us, C.I.A. scum!
(screams)
Help! Someone's kidnapped my dad!
I'm on it. ¶ Someone's kidnapped my -- ¶
(distorted) ¶ Someone's kidnapped my -- Someone's kidnapped my -- ¶
(music trills)
(cheers and applause) Whoa. Cool.
(Russian accent) Deputy Director Bullock.
You screw with my arms dealing for the last time.
Oh, this is great. Heh!
I was kind of freaking out with the bag over my head
and all the Russian talk.
You know, which always sounds angry.
(making garbled noises)
(chuckles) But -- Whew! --
you got the wrong guy. Heh.
You are Bullock.
You win deejay battle every night and run C.I.A. every day.
You say so on Facebook page.
That's not me. Tonight's the first time
I won the deejay thing. I'm just a normal guy.
Let me show you. Mm...okay.
But don't close that window. I am picking movie seats.
Look. I'm a piano tuner.
My name's Jim Steele.
Morons!
I have no time for this!
Is my daughter Tasha's birthday. Sorry for inconvenience.
I understand. I have a daughter.
Throw him from cliff.
(screaming)
(screaming continues)
Oh, my God. For a second, I thought that was me.
(crying)
The deejay is ruining my party!
Don't cry, cookie.
Throw deejay from cliff after this guy.
Wait. I'm a great deejay. I can save her party.
Save Tasha's party and you can forget about cliff.
Forget about your beautiful cliff?
Not on your life. It's majestic!
You make joke.
But two favorite things are daughter and cliff.
Oh! Who do you think is my favorite character on "Cheers"?
Cliff?
No. Norm.
He always have pleasure of being with Cliff.
(laughs)
(laughter)
(screaming)
(thuds) My memory stick!
Is problem?
Uh, no. No, n-no problem.
I just need a new memory stick.
They're only magnets. Metal.
Stuff you mine. Like from this cliff!
Careful, guy. That is my cliff.
(grunts) (gasps)
There's got to be something here.
Iron ore.
Nickel-cadmium.
The two main ingredients in a thumb drive.
Full of music. (kisses)
(dance music plays)
(retching)
Wha-- what's going on?
How did I get back here? You never left.
You've been on a psychedelic trip for 24 hours.
But you were never alone. I saw to that, bro.
Dad, we only have 20 minutes to get you to the deejay battle.
So, I-I didn't beat Bullock?
No, Stan. You were just humming the "Cheers" theme song
and shitting yourself.
(tapping) Testing, testing.
Can't he just play it, Roger?
It's my shift to watch Stan again.
Look, Stan's as good as dead.
His heart stopped four times last night, right?
And he's leaving on a suicide mission tomorrow.
So please, let's focus on what still matters.
This is the first recording, at least on Earth, of the turin.
What -- what -- what's this about a suicide mission?
I thought Dad had food poisoning.
Look, everybody's gonna be fine, all right?
Let's just sit and enjoy the music.
No. No, it's not the time.
What?! Of course it's the time! Play it!
You can't just play the turin.
It tells you when to play it.
What in the ffff-- fine!
And is it telling you anything now?
No.
Is this bullshit, man?
'Cause my best friend is dying just down the hall.
What is happening?!
(tires screech, horns honk)
It's amazing, but that tea actually taught me
how to improvise. Not really.
Taught you how to put someone else's set on a memory stick.
But if it beats Bullock and keeps you alive,
that's all that matters.
Listen to you.
Finally coming around and seeing the value
of a good, well-thought-out --
(horn blaring)
(steam hissing)
-No! Your music! -Hayley?
Smith, you idiot!
I had the red.
(tires squealing)
I can't back up. I'm stuck.
I -- Euuuugh!
HAYLEY: Go with the flow. Go with the flow.
Go with the flow. Go with the flow.
Go with the flow.
Go with the flow.
Dad, what the hell?!
(metal screeching)
I'm doing it, Hayley! It feels amazing!
What are you doing?! I'm improvising!
Our plan was to beat Bullock.
But if we keep him from competing, he'll still lose.
Ooooh! Ahhh!
Oh, my God, you're right.
A-and you just came up with that?
Yes! Like improv!
Whose line is it, anyway?!
BULLOCK: What a light show!
Oh, Stan's having an accident.
Look at me go!
Look at you go!
That's living without a plan.
It's so freeing -- I can see why you want to live this way.
I'm sorry I was trying to change you, baby girl.
(thudding)
(grinding)
You pushed him right to the club!
(struggles) It's stuck!
If he deejays, I'm as good as dead.
Thank God my pipe didn't break.
(inhales)
(tires screech)
(roars)
(gasps) The dragon!
Get up, you fool!
But the turin's played lying down.
Of course it is.
(beautiful music plays)
That music.
It's so soothing.
(music continues)
Oh, baby.
You are a dragon soother.
I was wrong about you, Jeff.
You're no bum. You're a street musician.
Entertainer of bums.
(crying)
Dad, go win this thing.
But -- but I don't have to.
And I don't want to.
Well, that just leaves one loose end.
This is a turin, Wayne.
(cymbals ring)
Bye! Have a great time!