American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 20 - Gifted Me Liberty - full transcript

When I joined the C.I.A.,
I knew the deal.

If we make a mistake, we cover it up,

like the time Dick accidentally
created feline AIDS,

and we covered it up by
blaming it on gay cats.

But this was different.

This was too big to cover.

And Bullock wanted blood.

Now, I'm only going to say this once.

I love Christmas!

Okay, two numbers left in
the Evil Santa gift swap.

Number 13.



Davenport, choose a gift from the table

or take someone else's.

The Nicolas Cage stickers and
tin of breadsticks thing is

still extremely available for a steal.

Tough luck, Duper.

Anyway, Davenport, you're up.

Uh, I'll pick.

We have a picker!

It's a pizza-slice sleeping bag!

And the crust is a sewn-in pillow.

He'll be king of the sleepover!

A winning gift!

Unlike the breadsticks,

which have effectively taken
Duper out of the game.



Still, it gave everyone else
the gift of laughter...

in a way, the only true gift.

Okay, my turn.

Hmm, The torture variety
pack is tempting...

heretic's fork, metal
spanker, anal-tarring brush.

It's a barbecue set.

But who needs two of anything?

I shall pick.

Wait, t-there should be a gift here.

There's no gift for me.

But... but that means

someone didn't bring one!

- What?!
- Impossible!

It can't be!

It is be.

Who didn't bring a gift?

And don't try to sell me
on the gift of laughter,

'cause that's horse shit!

Who was it?! Who's ruined everything?!

Everyone was a suspect.

Only one person knew who did it.

There was one thing we all knew.

I'm going to (bleep) this
(bleep) in the tushy!

Hand me the anal-tarring brush!

No one knew who didn't bring the gift,

or worse... what Bullock
might do trying to find out.

Now, I'm no chef, but
an unpredictable man

in a position of power smelled
like a bad recipe to me.

And I should know...
I'm an expert chef.

Le Cordon Bleu class of '08.

Sir?

You seem a little upset.

You can always read me, Smith!

I'm bloody outraged!

Sir, if I may, it's only Evil Santa.

"Only Evil Santa?"

"Only Evil Santa."

And this is only a pin.

Whoa-ho-ho!

Every agent puts his life in the
hands of his fellow agents,

and if we can't trust
our fellow agents,

all our lives are at risk!

I-I see how it's a big deal now, sir.

I swear to you, Smith,

I will find out who
didn't bring a present.

I refuse to live like this!

Office grenade!

Oh, no! My whiskey stones!

They weren't destroyed!

Sir, I-I know you want to get this guy,

but maybe you're too close to it,

like a doctor operating
on their own child.

Or a person standing right
behind another person.

Sure. Listen, you're a busy man.

You've got the C.I.A. to run

and pins to keep in your grenades.

Why don't you let me
lead the investigation?

Well, that's not up to me.

That's up to the hiring committee,

of which I appoint you the sole member.

Then, I'll... hire myself?

Those pencil pushers finally
got something right.

Thanks for taking me to
get a new suit, Klaus.

I figure I should start planning

for the Spring Harvest dance now.

It's never too early to start
thinking about outfits.

I mean, I already know
what I'm gonna wear

to your funeral.

My Insane Clown Posse t-shirt.

That looks great on you.

Yeah, no shit.

Trying to impress a lady?

Trying to impress all of them.

You know who never
lacked for attention?

Solomon Chantez Le Bas,

the most storied lady
killer of the 1890s.

His secret... an antique handkerchief.

The gentleman angle.

I'll take it!

That's crazy, but it's
your funeral, bro.

Taking the case,

I knew what might happen
to the guilty agent.

But I never imagined what would
happen to the innocent ones.

Look, Bullock wants me to crack heads,

but we're friends, so
let's just sit in here

for 10 minutes and shoot the breeze.

Oh, great, I don't know why,

but I was a little nervous about this.

The only thing you should
be nervous about is

your golf game.

You can't clam up on me, punk!

I know you're hiding something!

Okay! Okay!

I'm the one taking
dumps in the urinals!

I call it an "inside
the park home run"!

Smith, good work.

Dick, that's a funny name for it.

Congratulations, Dick.

You are no longer my
number-one suspect.

You're my number-two suspect.

That's a shit joke, Dick.

Who says this can't be fun?

Styles! Thanks for dropping by, bud.

When are we gonna get back
on that squash court?

I had a thought, Smith.

Never mind.

We can talk after your interviews.

I used to be a popular guy,

but if you leave no stone unturned,

eventually the stones turn on you.

Handkerchief, my lady?

You're such a gentleman, Steve.

We are a dying breed.

My mother's always saying
I should be looking

for boys like you.

I super love my mom, too.

Aww!

This may seem forward,

but would you take me to the
Spring Harvest dance next weekend?

I would love to.

Maybe it's time to put someone else

on the Evil Santa case.

It's been months, and you
have nothing to show for it.

Not nothing, sir.

I have this.

I just need to turn one
of these question marks

into something I know.

Idiotic.

I didn't know if I was
impressing him or not,

but I did know one thing...

I couldn't let him take me off the case

because the man I was hunting...

was me.

Aw, damn!

You nasty.

I mean, I meant to bring a present,

but I couldn't because
I forgot to buy one.

Now I'm in too deep,

caught in a web of lies,
and it's killing me.

Killing you?

A web of lies is only bad for the fly.

You're the spider.

For the spider, the web's a P.F.
Chang's.

P.F. Chang's?

That's a good thing?

It's a great thing!

I knew I should come to you with this.

You're the best liar I know.
I need your help.

All right, I'll get you out.

But you have to listen carefully,

and you're gonna have
to lie a bit more.

If it ends this,

- I'm in your hands.
- Perfect.

These are the same hands
that choked Lisa Bonet

when she beat me out for the
role of Denise Huxtable

on "A Different World."

That was a lie. The role
was created for her.

But I did choke her.

Now, here are a few crucial phases

to controlling a lie.

The first phase is believe the lie.

You haven't believed, so
you've been stalling,

spinning your wheels.

- You would never do that on a real case.
- I know.

Bullock wants to bring in someone else.

And that's exactly what's gonna happen.

Sir, I know how much
this case means to you,

so I'm bringing on some help.

Ace Crouton, consulting detective.

Now, let's get one thing straight...

I work for the case, not for the cops,

not for him, and definitely not for...

I'm talking to a chair. Why
am I talking to a chair?

Sorry, I was fired up, so I came in

and just kind of went into it.

Don't worry, Smith. I heard everything.
Carry on.

We need wire taps, surveillance vans,

a satellite team in Bogotá.

Yes! I love this new energy.

The entire C.I.A. is at your disposal.

Does that include the
Starbucks in the lobby...

specifically the employees,

specifically Greg?

Uhh...

you can have Kevin,

but not Greg.

Bye, Jim. Bye, Liz.

You better expect a call on Monday

for that lemon-bar recipe.

Boy, your parents are super rad.

Steve, you were great.
My parents loved you.

- Have fun at the dance.
- Huh?

Wait, did I forget to
tell you the plan?

My parents won't let me date
a sexy bad boy like Wyatt,

so I used you, a sexless good boy,

to get out of the house.

She's 14 and you're, like, 25, buddy!

Good luck picking a movie
that you both agree on!

We just saw what she did.

Yeah, go ahead. Laugh it up.

No.

We were wondering... Would
you do that for us?

My parents hate my boyfriend, too.

I'll even pay you.

Will you be our "widdle"
good boy, Steve?

Hmm, a good boy front.

So, first I get the money,
then I get the motorcycle...

after I take the
responsible riders course.

Then, I'll be the
responsible, sexy bad boy!

Ladies, we're in business.

So...

- will you do it?
- Hm?

I can't believe this worked!

What a rush!

The joy of getting away with a lie

is better than a million
helping-peoples.

Now it's on to phase two of lying...
benefits.

I don't understand this phase.

Should we be looking for something?

The view, Stan.

We use a helicopter for
the "investigation,"

but we're really enjoying the views.

The views?

Now you're getting it!

And this is just one of many benefits.

The next is Eat Day.

Eat Day is just what it sounds like.

Then there's Bone Day.

You just wake up and start
plowing babes all day.

I'm not doing that.

I just want everything
normal at work again.

Ugh, fine.

We'll go straight to the last phase...

the blame phase.

What... What are you doing, Stan?

Looking for the words. The
words usually appear.

Yeah... okay.

Oh, my God, I think I'm losing it!

Check your jacket pocket.

No!

The blame phase!

To accept blame. Of course.

I knew eventually I'd have to fess up.

Accept... Huh?

No! You just blame it on someone else.

I can't blame another agent.

Okay, well, not a living agent.

People in the C.I.A. die
all the time, right?

So, wait for the next
one and pin it on them.

That's... That's actually a good idea.

What do you mean, actually a good idea?

You say that like I
don't have good ideas.

I always have good ideas.

I am by far the most creative
person in the family!

Okay, okay.

Okay yourself, guy.

Sorry, sorry. I'm... I'm truly sorry.

Let's just forget about it.

I feel like I undersold Bone Day.

Thanks for not trying anything, Steve!

And I never will!

You asked to see me, sir?

Tell me something good, Smith.
I need it.

Something good.

Uh, Big Daddy Jeff and the Stooge

are back on FM 93.1.

I guess the Stooge
isn't going to prison.

A weight lifted, and my heart needs it.

Agent Davenport died on
a mission last night.

Sir, um, I know the
timing of this is tough,

but, well, I closed the
case this morning.

It was Agent Davenport

who didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa.

Smith, are you quite sure?

I am.

Maybe he knew I was close and
took it into his own hands.

By tying himself up and
being shot several times

through the trunk of an old Fiat.

Yes, that makes sense.

But why...

He was still a great agent.

The best way to honor him

is to not look for any
soft spots in my story.

You're right.

You can pay for your
Steve date experience

with cash or credit.

She wants to know if we'll accept

a video of her getting
her nipples pierced.

Yeah, look, Jessica, Steve
would love to escort you

to the Winter Formal,

but I'm looking and there's
nothing available.

You know what, for you, let
me talk to my manager.

Oh, my God, this never happens.

He's making room for you.

I cannot stress to you how
much this never happens.

If you were to expect
this in the future,

you would be insane.

You're really going to enjoy
our Steve Silver Package.

It's a drop-off, a picture,

and I'll talk to your dad
about model airplanes.

Oh, Steve, you're so nice.

It's... It's making me
so horny for Trevor.

Oh, you're one of Trevor's girls.

Yeah, he's been hitting it
pretty hard since his divorce.

We're gathered here
today to honor a man,

Wallace Davenport.

- I think you actually got me out of this.
- Actually?

What... What the hell
is your problem, man?

Beloved husband, devoted father, and...

Oh, I just can't do it!

How dare you cry for this man?

He didn't bring a gift to Evil Santa!

I'm not sure if there is a hell,

but if there is one, Davenport's there,

wrapping an empty box
in his own flayed skin

for all eternity!

But he brought a poker set.

Shh! You're... You're
delirious with grief.

That was me. I brought the poker set.

- He was a coward!
- He was a traitor!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, people, please.

Can't we just bury the man

and all the issues surrounding him?

You'll never see a dime of his pension.

But we'll lose everything.

This has gone too far.

Stan, can't you see no
one's getting hurt here?

I declare prima nocta!

We're never gonna make it

with Bullock taking the pension away.

Katie's medication alone...

And Katie's... Katie's
absolutely essential?

You know what, forget it.

I guarantee you'll have that pension.

Roger, I just promised the C.I.A.

would pay Davenport's pension.

Oh, bad lie, Stan.

Not a Roger-sanctioned lie.

But it is a lie,

so don't be too hard on yourself.

- How am I gonna pay her?
- It's simple.

You get a night job to support
your new secret family.

I know a great place.

Ace Crouton!

You were supposed to
find my missing kid!

And I'm looking for him.

Her.

Oh, a clue!

Great.

Now go on and get felt
up by a delinquent.

He's not coming.

He just texted me. He's sick.

Tony's sick, too.

Wyatt's dead.

Steve, do you have that hanky on you?

No. Unfortunately I don't,
tonight of all nights.

Center for Disease Control!
Nobody move!

What's going on?!

Right here. Hot zone.

Aah! I confess!

I'm a good boy for hire!

Sir, he's telling the truth.

Who cares?

There's been an outbreak
of conquistador measles,

and levels are off the
chart around this kid.

Mother of God.

Wait, why didn't I get sick?

Conquistador measles doesn't
infect the sexually immature.

Pfft. A class-5 virus going
after a dweeb like you?

Please.

But it could still like
me as a friend, right?

And maybe one day,

it could grow into something
more than friendship?

Stan, are you working late again?

I need you here to
explain Kimmel's jokes.

You know how the C.I.A. is
this time of year with...

Toyota days around the corner?

Got to go, big mission.

Stan, no personal calls!

Last warning if you want
to keep getting paid.

Wait, this is all?

Any chance I could get an advance

on my next 10 year's salary?

What do I look like, a bank?

No. Not really.

One bank, then the
widow's good for life.

Two banks.

My body's full of money.

Stan? What are you doing here?

Roger? You... you sell sperm, too?

Sell?

Hey, you look like me.

This is crazy. I got to get a pic.

Twinsies!

God, look at me. Look
at what I've become.

Lying has turned me

into a horrible, grotesque monster.

Well, you're not having any trouble

with brutal honesty right now!

I'm just not built to be a liar.

No, you're built to be a jerk!

Double my order!

So, you didn't bring a gift, led
a fraudulent investigation,

had me desecrate a
fellow agent's funeral,

then sold your plasma and semen

until you were at the brink of death?

That's the gist.

I think the lesson is obvious, Smith.

It is.

I'm a better man when I'm honest.

Also, you never really escape a lie.

Even if you get away with it.

Geez!

The lesson is to bring a
bloody gift to Evil Santa.

A mistake I'm sure you
didn't make this year.

Uh...

Get it?

This bozo's right back
where he started.

Merry Christmas from
our family to yours!

Wait a minute, is this
our Christmas episode?

What month is this?