American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 15 - Daesong Heavy Industries - full transcript

Stan loses his faith in religion after Steve questions everything in the Bible. He takes the family to Korea to investigate the rumors of a reinvented Noah'?s Ark.

Ugh, why are you dragging
us to church with you?

We were gonna find Jeff the
perfect pair of overalls today.

It's always the chest pocket
that's the dealbreaker.

When it comes to overalls,
you can't settle.

It's why Kris Kross split up.

It's Wiggity-wiggity-wiggity sad.

This family goes to church
on Easter, end of story.

Well, Roger's part of the family.

Why doesn't he have to go?

Roger goes to church, just not ours.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!



Oh!

Brother Jenkins is feeling it!

Jesus, take my feet!

Okay, kids, get ready to
find those Easter eggs.

Aren't you too old for this?

You're never too old to have fun.

Over here!

And stay down!

Bow to your leader, the King of eggs!

Hey, kid in the middle you're faking!

Aaatomic Easter drop!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪



♪ And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪

Which is why, on this day,

we remember what happened in Galilee.

Psst! Red hat!

Red hat!

Stan, who is that?

If I play my cards right, a new friend.

Mr. Smith, your son has
outgrown Sunday school.

Smart, lady... get rid of
the one kid who can kind of

go to the bathroom by himself.

- Sit!
- Okay.

So, this is adult services?

The place is bigger than I imagined.

Were we supposed to bring
our own cushions, or...

Shh!

And the disciples found his tomb empty

because he had risen from
the dead, and then...

So... so Jesus was like a zombie?

Like in "The Walking Dead"?

...Shall ye be told
what shall be made...

I wish Chris Hardwick were here

to giddily explain these
confusing plot points.

Shh!

Doubting Thomas himself
stepped forward...

Doubting Thomas stuck his
finger in Jesus' what?

Am I the only one here who
thinks this is totally weird?!

- Shh!
- Quiet!

- Please!
- Come on!

Is anyone actually buying this?

Steve, you're destroying
all the groundwork

I laid with red hat.

My own son, a Godless heathen.

Ehh, got to admit, he
made a few good points.

That's it, hash Browns
for believers only.

Okay, dad, if you're
such a good Christian,

why weren't you paying
attention in church?

'Cause I'm already a believer.

Religion solves all the
big problems for me.

Life after death? Solved!

Meaning of existence? Solved!

Now I can spend my time
focusing on things I enjoy,

like complaining about
the terrible service!

What?!

This place sucks.

Now, back to the big picture.

Imagine life is like a really hard class

that you're for sure gonna fail,
but then you open your textbook,

and you see some nerd wrote all
the answers in it for you.

Well, this guy you've got
the balls to call a nerd?

That's God, and your
textbook, the Bible.

But it's just a bunch of crazy
folk tales and impossible stuff.

Nonsense. Every word of
the Bible is 100% true.

Oh, really? And what makes you so sure?

Because it's the greatest
book ever written.

All the best stories are in there.

Noah's ark, David and Goliath,

the Princess and the
pea, "Steamboat Willie,"

the story of the rabbit who
stole the children's cereal,

the man who says, "Now,
that's a spicy meatball!"

Uhh, Dad?

Have you ever, you know,
actually read the Bible?

Why would I? That's what the
talking guy at church does.

If there was something fishy in
there, he'd have caught it by now.

He's obsessed with that thing.

- Well, maybe you should go read it.
- Fine, I will.

In fact, I tell you what, Steve.

We'll read the Bible together.

It's about time someone instilled

a little faith into you.

Please. Faith is for suckers.

Stan?!

Daddy, please stop gasping!

Here we are, the family Bible.

I see you got it at Waldenbooks.

Yes, Waldenbooks.

Don't you have respect for anything?

No better place to start
than at the beginning.

"In the beginning..."
right spot, good start...

"God created the heavens and the Earth.

On the first day, God separated
light and darkness."

- See? Simple enough.
- Hmm.

Well, down here, it says
that on the fourth day,

God created the sun and stars.

Tell me, how could light exist

before the sun and stars were created?

Well, there's got to be an explanation.

And here it is.

Probably God has lasers.

The Adam and Eve story.

I defy you to find even a
single flaw with this.

It says that Adam lived
to be 930 years old.

That's a big number, but
you got to remember,

this was before doctors,

so cancer and that kind of
stuff didn't exist yet.

Cain was married?

How could Cain possibly have had a wife

when the only other people
in existence at the time

were his parents and brother?

Steve, guys like Cain always
end up with the girl.

Scratch that... still makes no sense.

Um, uh, might have to
come back to that one.

The ark is filled with thousands
upon thousands of animals.

How were each of them fed and
tended to by just eight people?

Uh...

And how did a dove return
with an Olive leaf,

when no Olive tree
could possibly survive

an apocalyptic flood?

Oh, God, I don't know!

And the ark... a boat this size

could never hold two of every animal.

The ark would have to be, like,

the size of four baseball stadiums.

No boat that's big! I'm drowning!

I'm drowning in your logic!

Oh, God, my faith.

Everything I believe, it's all crazy.

It's crazy baloney.

It's not crazy baloney because
crazy baloney is real.

It's called pepperoni.

I don't know who I am anymore.

Without my faith, I'm... I'm nothing.

That's not true.

- You're a husband, a father.
- That means nothing!

Stan, maybe you don't need to
be so literal with the Bible.

You know, a lot of people see it
as a set of instructive fables.

Fables? You want me to
base my entire life

on a bunch of imaginary fairy tales?

That would only make sense
if I was imaginary.

The only problem is I'm real!

I'm as real as crazy baloney!

It's the end of the world!

- I know.
- You heard, too?

Kraft made their mac and
cheese even cheesier.

I mean, I haven't tried it yet,

but I'm almost certain it'll
be too cheesy for me.

What?! No!

- I lost my faith.
- Oh, that.

Stan, I've been telling you for years

religion was a load of bull.

Why didn't you ever listen to me?

No one likes to be ignored.

You hurt my feelings,

but I suppose that's all in the past.

- I'm already over it!
- Good for you.

Stan, wake up!

Can't you see?

Without the shackles of religion,

you're free to do whatever you want.

Break a commandment, break all of 'em.

How will that help?

Uh, pleasure... ever heard of it?

Ever grokked it?

Pleasure is the road to happiness.

People talk about filling the
void as if it's a bad thing.

It's actually full of nerve endings.

Okay, we'll start off small.

Sneak over to the neighbor's
porch and steal the welcome mat.

I don't know, that kind
of sounds like stealing.

And thou shalt not do it,

but that's why it'll make you feel good.

Whoo, that did feel good.

Who needs God when you've
got this welcome mat?

Welcome mat's just the beginning.

We're gonna go way deeper.

Umm, what did you do with the basement?

You scared Suck Boy Tony!

Stan, you don't seem very happy.

I tried everything
to fill the void

where my faith used to be.

I'm lost, Francine.

Everything is meaningless.

Have you tried meditating?

Hey, Tony, that mouth's
not for giving advice.

Have you seen dad?

He's supposed to take me
to an autograph session

with Food & Wine magazine's Gail Simmons

at Murray's Discount Auto Store.

Listen to me.

Your father's in really bad shape

because of your big-shot
ideas about the Bible.

So you need to find a way to
restore his faith real fast.

Me? I don't know what to do.

You broke him, you fix him!

Oh, and stay out of the basement.

The furnace has been making

a moaning and wet slapping sound.

Okay, great.

I can just send him to
one of these camps.

Oh.

These are, uh, gay conversion camps.

Wait a minute, is that Suck Boy Tony?

They got their
work cut out for them.

Dad?

I've never seen him like this before.

He's just lying out there
in the pouring rain.

The pouring rain!

It's all meaningless.

There's no point to anything,
not even breathing.

Last one.

God?

- Is that really you?
- No, son.

I'm your brain cells dying.

You've now forgotten the word zebra.

Zebra?

Big whoop. I never heard
that word in my life.

Dad, come inside.

I got something to show you.

Look! It's a gigantic ship in Korea.

- So?
- And it's bigger than four baseball stadiums.

Like the ark.

Wait, is this real?

We thought it was
impossible, but here it is!

So, the ark could be real,
and if the ark's real,

everything else just falls into place.

- Well...
- I can have my faith!

I can have my faith again!

Stan, you're back!

Of course, I am, and better than ever.

Whoo!

I was hopeless for so long,
but now I can see that God

was only testing the
strength of my faith.

And you passed the test.

I did, so he revealed to
me through his instrument,

- Steve, the location of the new ark.
- Oh, no.

Family, be at peace, for
we must get to the ark

before the floods begin
because I am the new Noah.

Stan?

You've been depressed,

and now you're just swinging too
far in the other direction.

Listen! It's a sign.

- It's a bark.
- Exactly.

B-ark!

Just get rid of the "B." Ark!

Wait! Bring the letter "B" back.

"B" on the ark.

Absolutely hilarious.

Sir, where have you
been all these years?

Lord, I shall go to Korea...

...And carry out your grand design.

Look out, world!

God and Stan are back together again!

It's not official till you
change your Facebook status!

- Look, dad actually thinks he's Noah.
- Don't worry.

When he sees that his ark is just

a liquefied natural gas
ship, he'll snap out of it.

And go back to being the dad,
husband, and paid killer

for the U.S. government
we all know and love.

What if this ark thing is real?

He'll need two goldfish.

Do you think he'll choose me?

Mm, I wouldn't.

Stan... how's it going?

You've just been smiling peacefully

for 20 hours straight.

Well, why wouldn't I be smiling?

Everyone's about to drown except us.

Hey, watch it, buddy!

You watch it.

We have 40 tons of overalls to unload.

- Overalls?
- Whoa.

You're into overalls, too?

I've been looking for the perfect pair,

but it's so hard to find the right...

...Chest pocket!

Partner, follow my lead.

Come on, Jeff!

- There's no cone to kick!
- Just get in.

I'll explain on the way why a
second cone isn't important.

There it is... the ark.

What a sight!

And the crescendo of emotions,
and then, satisfied,

we're ready to go back to the car.

Are you joking? No, we
got to go on board.

Dad, I'm pretty sure they're
not gonna let us do that.

Ahoy!

Noah!

We've been waiting for you!

Hi, I'm Robert Kim with
Daesong Heavy Industries.

I know it's kind of a shocker,
but this actually is the ark.

God gave Daesong direct
orders to rebuild it.

Well, then, what's the hold-up?
Let's get on board.

Absolutely.

First, though, in order to get you ready

for the flood, we need to train you.

Once again, you're one step ahead.

Sir, you can just follow
these fine folks here,

and we will get you set up.

You're a great man! Don't worry.

We know he's not a great
man, and of course,

of course this isn't the ark.

But... you just... and he...

Allow me to explain.

Daesong builds a lot of big ships,

and each time we do, it attracts people

- who have what is known as a Noah complex.
- Like my dad?

Lunatics like your father
can be a big nuisance,

always sneaking on board,

slithering around the engine room.

So we came up with the Noah experience...

...designed to make people feel like

they're living through the food.

They go through it, get
it out of their systems,

then everyone heads home
happy and safely away

from our very expensive ships.

Now if you'll follow me,

we have a wonderful assortment
of Pepperidge Farm cookies

awaiting you in the family lounge.

Pepperidge Farm?

Well, well, well.

Who are these guys?

Fellow ark seekers, like yourself.

So, who here is ready to
start our holy adventure?!

Look out! Here comes the storm!

- Whoo-hoo!
- Make it rain!

- All right!
- Yay!

- Yeah!
- All right!

There's something about
this I'm not buying.

Get your animals to their pens!

Go to your pen, you striped horse!

Hmm, got to admit that
felt pretty Noah-y.

Now let's see if the flood
waters have receded.

Hoo-ah!

We survived the flood!

It's over!

We did it!

Ark!

- Pretty exciting.
- And it worked!

- Yay!
- Yeah!

It weeded out all the fake Noahs.

- Aw, shit.
- Aw, shit.

So you're not over this?

The whole experience was a sham!

I mean, sure, the
animatronics were incredible.

Yes, I had the time of my
life, and without question,

these are top-quality items...

Things I'm going to keep forever...

But still, I was lied to!

Yeah, you shouldn't put up with that!

I know... let's go home,

and you take a bunch of
antipsychotic medication.

- That'll show 'em!
- No! This is happening!

The flood is coming, and we
are going to be on that ark!

Stan, come back!

Time to do some Bible thumping!

The ark is ours!

Stan, we got to go.

You just threw the whole
crew in the ocean.

Good work, Stan!

Hey, it just occurred to me.

There were never fish aboard the ark.

They stayed down in the water.

No, no!

You dipshit, there are
sharks in there!

Mom, we got to get out of here!

What?! This is our home
for the next 40 days.

Let's go check it out.

Steve, this must be your room.

Dad, this is a tank
for liquefied natural gas.

And would you look at
those vaulted ceilings!

Perfect for all your
Cheryl Tiegs posters!

This is the room where the pipes are.

And this one is where
the extra pipes are.

Oh, and this must be the main pipe room.

Pipes are very important on a ship.

Okay, here's the animals, but
still no master bedroom.

- There are animals here.
- No way.

There has to be some
logical explanation.

Ah, this manifest says these
animals are from the Busan Zoo

being transported to the
National Zoo of Malaysia.

See? It all makes sense.

Not really. Even that is weird.

Why would a zoo use

a natural gas ship to transport animals?

Because...

we got overalls!

It's happening!

We didn't miss nothing.

Stan's still insane!

We have to set sail now!

Stop! Think for a second!

Are you really about to
steal a boat of animals

and sail off into the ocean?

Listen, I know everything at this moment

must look crazy to you.

For the last thousand moments.

But I'm asking you, all of you,

to take this leap with
me, to have some faith.

I'm staying.

Steve, do you really
think this is the ark?

Look, t-there's a lot of weird stuff

going on that I can't explain.

But you have faith.

Yeah, but it's faith in
you 'cause you're Dad.

- Well, that's stupid.
- Thanks, Son.

Francine?

Well, I've seen one miracle today.

You've given Steve some faith.

That's enough to make me stay.

Plus, I'd like to pet the Alpaca I saw.

Hayley?

What do you say, baby girl?

No way! This is beyond crazy.

I'll see you when the
police haul you in.

Start the damn boat!

Stan, I'm scared!

Don't worry, after every
ending is a new beginning!

Okay!

Please, slow down!

I'll never catch up!

I'll die out here!

My bowl!

I'll ride out the flood in my own ark!

Kiss my ass, Stan, you crazy dick head!