American Dad! (2005–…): Season 11, Episode 12 - The Dentist's Wife - full transcript
Roger loses his identity after becoming fascinated by a local dentist'?s wife. Meanwhile, Klaus throws a party when Stan and the kids are unable to move from being sore after working out.
I've been so distracted lately,
mainly thinking about my marriage and...
and blah, blah, blah.
You'll never leave him.
Now focus up, girl!
You're right!
It's foolish to be talking at all
when you bring out one
of your a-list personas.
I mean, it's so rare for
the Samantha Kingsbury
to make an appearance.
Please, you sound just like my
ski instructor in St. Moritz.
I don't know if I can
winter there again...
Who is that?
Her? That's Meredith Fields.
She's the most interesting and
fabulous woman in Langley Falls.
She can't be all that
if I, Samantha Kingsbury,
never heard of her.
Meredith's pretty amazing.
She runs the best book club in town.
[Scoffs] Book club.
I pretend skied in Switzerland.
And she runs a charity to raise...
Awareness.
[Scoffs] Charities.
It's all about podcasts these days.
She's even got time for the homeless.
Time? I have sex with the homeless!
Roger, she's married to a dentist.
[Gasps]
I can't believe you haven't met her.
Correction, she can't
believe she hasn't met me.
Observe.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Oh, I just adore the service here.
Can I trouble you for a glass of water?
Thank you.
Uh, before I order,
you might want to get that couple first.
They were here before me.
Holy shit!
She is amazing!
She thought I worked here.
You kind of do.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The Sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ good... good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Whew! That crossfit workout was amazing.
Coach Trey is awesome!
Remember when he put a
protein bar against his crotch
and pretended to Jack off
all over the yoga class?
So funny.
Oh, crossfit kicks so much ass!
Give it a rest, Klaus.
You're not a crossfitter.
Yeah, but I'm totally gonna hit it
when my shoulder feels better.
Sure, fish.
Guys, check out my abs. Jeff, hit me!
- Now me!
- [Gasps]
Okay, plan...
we hit it hard today,
so let's say we relax,
grab some protein,
then hit the sack early
so we can crush tomorrow's workout.
Oh, yeah. I'm already hooked.
I am in for the swole enchilada.
[All sigh]
[Gasps]
No!
No!
No!
Roger, what are you doing?
Samantha Kingsbury may not have been
as fabulous as Meredith Fields,
but there has to be a persona
in here that could beat her.
PTA rock star Mike Babcock...
the cool dad every mom at
school wants to sleep with.
I mean, bang.
Nobody's sleeping when
Mike comes a-creeping.
Nope.
I'm just gonna have
to start from scratch.
Come on, you'll drive.
Where are we?
Now you're asking?
You're a real odd duck, Francine.
Anyway, this is my
magical persona factory.
Oh, my god!
Funny you mention him. This
is where he was created.
Or, rather, she.
No, he. God's a he.
And he's white.
Francine: Roger, I have to ask...
[Bleats]
What is your electric bill?
Don't worry about it.
[Electricity crackling]
All my characters are conceived here.
I'm sure you recognize
some of my best work.
And now, my best work
needs to be better!
Like a chef, I must pick
the finest ingredients.
All my work has led me to this moment...
The most fabulous
persona I've ever birthed.
And dry ice for effect.
Get ready to meet...
Raider Dave!
Oh, overcooked it.
Boy, you add just one
ingredient too many,
and you end up raider Dave...
every time.
All right, time for the morning work...
ouch!
My body... it's dead!
Oh, my god! Why can't I move?!
It must be from crossfit.
Jeff?!
Down here. I'm stuck, too.
Do I hear that correctly?
The entire family is unable to move?
Klaus, thank god! Help us!
Oh, no. Klaus is in charge now.
I can finally have that birthday party
you didn't let me have two years ago.
We never stopped you from...
yes! The party!
It'll be my party,
with my favorite food.
My favorite drink.
And everybody's favorite song!
No! Klaus!
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
- ♪I like to move it, move it ♪
- My ears!
- ♪Ya like to move it ♪
- It burns!
[Music stops]
Oh, I can't do this to you guys...
Without jacking that bass!
- ♪... move it, move it ♪
- [All screaming]
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
[Classical music playing]
Let's thank Sandra for
her choice this month.
"Little Women" was just a delight.
By the end, after all Jo
and the girls went through,
it should called "Big Women."
Big Women? Try huge.
Mm.
Cecilia Takaru's the name.
Born on a sleigh ride
outside St. Petersburg.
Closer to Tampa, actually.
Or as us tampons like to call it,
home of Hulk Hogan.
- [Laughter]
- My goodness, what a gas.
Studied literature at
space camp for four years,
which, naturally, led me to franchise
the chimdale Ikea.
Not a stress-free job,
but I have a handle on it.
Sorry, I blacked out.
Oh, yeah, "Little Women."
Alcott called it "Little Women"
because she was challenging
the male-centric "Huck Finn"
and the role of females
in a post-colonial America.
Wow. Welcome, Cecilia.
I'm not familiar with
the space camp curriculum,
but wasn't "Little Women"
published 20 years before "Huck Finn"?
In... in space, time is very fluid.
As Einstein hypothesized,
stuff from earlier...
Might actually be from later.
Pull it together.
Einstein's theory of relativity.
And to come up with that
riding a strassenbahn in Vienna.
I'd say it was a greater leap
for mankind than the moonwalk.
[Retches]
[Tires squeal]
Roger, what are you doing?
Cecilia Takaru is a lie!
All of these personas are lies!
Well, yeah.
Masks!
They cover up the fact
that I'm empty inside!
Roger, that's not true!
It took meeting someone
as real as Meredith
for me to see I'm like an onion.
When you peel away the
layers, there's nothing left...
except tears!
[Sobbing]
Aah!
What are you doing?! No!
Die! All of you!
This is agony!
I programmed them to feel burning.
Back to crazy! Aah!
[Screaming]
Why would you do this?
That was your life's work!
That life is over.
I'm done creating characters!
I'm gonna live the rest of my days
as the most boring
person on the planet...
Me.
Well, you have to put on something.
I can't drive you around
looking like an alien.
Fine!
Drive. Take me nowhere.
It's the only place a nobody belongs.
[Sobbing]
[Car door closes]
[Sirens wailing]
[Explosion, glass shatters]
[Roger sobbing]
Oh, Roger, I can hear
you sobbing in there,
and it's breaking my heart.
[Crinkling]
I also hear you rubbing on stuff,
probably our groceries.
Roger: Probably.
Just put on the emergency poncho
and come sit up front with me.
Formless and generic... just like me.
Well, we can zhuzh it up a little.
Much better.
But you need some hair.
Pretty.
Ugh.
[Car door closes]
I just know he did
something terrible to this.
[Car door closes]
[All squawk]
Come on, Tony, pick up, pick up.
You've been calling
people all afternoon.
Face it, Klaus, no one's
coming to your party.
Trust me, my boy Tony
always comes through.
Hey, Tony! It's Klaus!
Get your ass over here.
There is a par-tay going on!
Yeah, of course I'll
give you the the deets.
See? He wants the deets.
Okay, usual deets.
Personal pepperoni
and small crazy bread.
45 minutes!
Oh, he can't wait to party!
That's Tony, bro!
I got a double half-caff cappuccino,
extra whip for...
Wait a second, there's no name.
That's me. I don't deserve a name.
Gah! This is awful!
Do you know who I am? Make it again...
For no name.
Why don't you just go by Roger?
There is no Roger.
Roger is just a collection
of phony persona's
to cover up an emptiness inside.
You're not empty inside.
You've just forgotten who you are
'cause you spend so much
time being other people.
So what's a person do when
they've forgotten who they are?
You could...
Volunteer for something.
They say the best way to find yourself
is in the service of others.
"Awareness.
A-where's yours?"
[Chuckles] That's clever.
This speaks to me.
That's the flier for
Meredith's charity gala.
I don't think you should
be around the woman
who's got you wearing
a mop on your head.
She's exactly who I should be around,
'cause she knows exactly who she is.
Ooh, phone Jack installation.
This guy sounds like he
knows who he is as well.
Hmm, so it's down to these two.
Piano lessons?!
Wait, don't park in the CVS parking lot?
This board is just
knocking my socks off!
Okay, so...
You take your water bottle, okay,
and you just slide the label on.
There. You just raised awareness.
I think I felt it.
Oh. Your bungee cord belt.
[Groans]
Look at your neat belt!
Seems to have traveled on you.
Thank you!
And thank you for your help.
Awareness is the first step
before thinking about caring
about a specific thing.
You crawl before you walk.
Walk before you run.
Pee before you sex!
[Laughs] Someone's got spunk!
You're gonna do just fine.
[Laughs] Oh!
That means so much coming
from someone like you.
Sometimes, I don't have
a lot of confidence.
Don't be silly. You
can be whoever you want.
You're so kind.
May I give you something?
Well, what do we have here?
Triangle.
Now, isn't that a curious
way to look at someone.
[Reel 2 Real's "I Like
to Move It" playing]
Why didn't the pizza guy help us?
'Cause Klaus didn't tip him.
An apple is a tip.
[Doorbell rings]
Thank god, somebody's here! Help!
Yeah, party people!
Help yourselves to some pizza.
If anyone knows how
to make jell-o shots,
there's a half handle of Popov.
Klaus, who the hell are these people?
Oh, just some people I know
through my friend Craig.
You might know him. He has his own list.
You invited perverts from
Craigslist into my house?
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
♪ya like to move it ♪
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
Babe!
Dealing with my own thing here, Jeff.
My glasses!
♪Ya like to move it ♪
What's happening?! Something's wet!
Oh, god! Something's wet!
Nice to see you smiling
again and not starting fires.
Did you do something to your hair?
It looks like Meredith's, right?
She says I can be just like her.
Don't forget...
you're supposed to be finding yourself!
Yeah, yeah.
Meredith! Meredith!
Meredith! Meredith, hi!
Oh. Oh, it's you.
Is that my scarf?
Did you change your hair?
I don't think so.
Do you like it?!
I have the same haircut.
Uh, Mer, I've got the
band leader on the phone.
I wrote some songs about
awareness. You want to hear 'em?
You're probably already thinking
'em 'cause we're so similar.
Oh, my god, that's so us!
- Meredith?
- Yes?
Yes? I mean... I mean,
why are you asking me?
- I'm not Meredith.
- We have to move up the news plug.
Did you think I was Meredith?
Do I look like Meredith?
They need you on the air in five.
Meredith, we've got big banner problems.
Not now. I'm in the middle of something.
Please, can you give us some space?
Yes, can you all give us some space?
Oh, right, sure.
I'll... I'll just go busy myself...
In o trash.
That dumpster's got to
be around here somewhere.
Oh! Maybe it's in
Meredith's master bedroom.
I'll just take a quick peek.
[Smooches]
What are you doing?!
Mer-Mer?
Is that my négligée?
I'm so sorry.
I just admire you so much,
and I saw it, and... and... and...
oh, promise me you're not mad!
What?! I'm extremely mad!
We don't even know each other.
- I mean, what's your name?
- Meredith.
But that's my name.
I know!
You told me I could be whoever I want.
And I chose you.
But I'm me.
Mm, sorry. You're already taken.
I'd like you to leave right now.
And I'd like you to give me your pants,
because we're so
obviously the same size.
Why are you acting like this?
Gee, I don't know, Meredith two.
Maybe it's because I'm standing here
in my delicates like a crazy person!
[Grunting]
Oh, my god! She's out cold!
What have I done? What do I do?
What would Meredith do?
Of course.
The answer's right in front of me.
[Doorbell rings]
Why, hello there!
Sorry to bother,
but I'm looking for
one of your volunteers.
She didn't come home last night.
Roger: [As Meredith]
Who's at the door, dear?
Oh, no.
Well, I'll leave you two.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Small circles, light pressure.
[Both moaning]
Roger, what the hell did you do?
Where's Meredith?!
Francine, everything's fine now.
I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
A barge?
You can't take someone's life like this!
Why? Can't it just be
like when we were kids?
Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures
with red oceans and green
skies and be who we wanted!
And then play in the sprinklers
till Mama called us for supper.
Are you having a stroke right now?
Forget it. I'm stopping this.
That's barge talk, Francine.
Roger, I am not going to sit here and...
[fog horn blares]
Son of a bitch. He barged me.
Meredith, are you okay?
Some lunatic kidnapped
me and dumped me here.
Yeah, that's my friend.
She's stolen your life.
She's running your gala.
Oh, and she may be having
relations with your husband.
No! My gala!
[Reel 2 Real's "I Like
to Move It" playing]
Klaus, you've got to stop this party.
The perverts have become emboldened.
You've proven your point.
You have a crew, okay?
Now stop this!
I don't know what's happening,
but I think I'm moving!
Tell me it's a good guy, please.
Even if it's not true.
- ♪I like to move it, move it ♪
- [Doll squeaks]
Stan, Hayley, Steve, Jeff!
Trey! Trey! Trey! Trey!
Do I hear Coach Trey?
Party's over. Now
pump up my workout jam.
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
♪he like to move it, move it ♪
♪she like to move it, move it ♪
♪we like to move it, move it ♪
♪they like to move it, move it ♪
♪you like to move it, move it ♪
Three, two, one.
Personal record.
How did you know we were in trouble?
After you didn't show up
for your second workout,
I figured something
like this had happened.
A lot of first-time crossfitters
end up so sore, they can't move.
It's the roofie of physical fitness.
You should tell people
that when they sign up.
Hey, no problem.
Now, I got to go back to my other job...
As a terrible marine biologist.
See ya in the box!
That's what we call the gym!
[Classical music playing]
[Drill whirring]
It's me... Jerry the dentist!
[Cheers and applause]
But tonight is not about me.
Or the number-one
family dental practice
in the Langley-Langston
-chimdale triangle.
[Scattered applause]
Tonight is about my wife.
I give you Meredith Fields.
♪
[Cheers and applause]
Where does awareness come from?
Tell us! Tell us where!
The sky! Everyone look up!
Get him!
[Sirens wailing]
Maniacs!
Hold it right there, imposter!
I'm not the imposter! She is!
Hey!
[Sighs]
Back to being nobody, I guess.
Oh, Franny. How was the barge?
Honestly...
Pretty great.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I know I went too far,
but being Meredith,
it just felt so good to be someone real.
But you were nothing like Meredith.
I didn't even do th right.
You were you.
You're always you, no
matter who you're playing.
'Cause the real Roger
is at the core of all your characters.
You are real selfish and real horny
and real violent and real sensitive.
And just really...
Really amazing.
Do you mean it?
Do you honestly think I'm horny?
The horniest.
Thank you, Franny.
You're not so not horny yourself.
Where's the criminal?
He's not a criminal.
Unless it's a crime to
bleed silver and black.
Raider Dave!
This is our year! Raider
Nation will rise again!
[Whooping]
mainly thinking about my marriage and...
and blah, blah, blah.
You'll never leave him.
Now focus up, girl!
You're right!
It's foolish to be talking at all
when you bring out one
of your a-list personas.
I mean, it's so rare for
the Samantha Kingsbury
to make an appearance.
Please, you sound just like my
ski instructor in St. Moritz.
I don't know if I can
winter there again...
Who is that?
Her? That's Meredith Fields.
She's the most interesting and
fabulous woman in Langley Falls.
She can't be all that
if I, Samantha Kingsbury,
never heard of her.
Meredith's pretty amazing.
She runs the best book club in town.
[Scoffs] Book club.
I pretend skied in Switzerland.
And she runs a charity to raise...
Awareness.
[Scoffs] Charities.
It's all about podcasts these days.
She's even got time for the homeless.
Time? I have sex with the homeless!
Roger, she's married to a dentist.
[Gasps]
I can't believe you haven't met her.
Correction, she can't
believe she hasn't met me.
Observe.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Oh, I just adore the service here.
Can I trouble you for a glass of water?
Thank you.
Uh, before I order,
you might want to get that couple first.
They were here before me.
Holy shit!
She is amazing!
She thought I worked here.
You kind of do.
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
♪ I got a feelin' that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
♪ The Sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
♪ and he's shinin' a salute
to the American race ♪
♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
♪ good... good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Aah!
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
Whew! That crossfit workout was amazing.
Coach Trey is awesome!
Remember when he put a
protein bar against his crotch
and pretended to Jack off
all over the yoga class?
So funny.
Oh, crossfit kicks so much ass!
Give it a rest, Klaus.
You're not a crossfitter.
Yeah, but I'm totally gonna hit it
when my shoulder feels better.
Sure, fish.
Guys, check out my abs. Jeff, hit me!
- Now me!
- [Gasps]
Okay, plan...
we hit it hard today,
so let's say we relax,
grab some protein,
then hit the sack early
so we can crush tomorrow's workout.
Oh, yeah. I'm already hooked.
I am in for the swole enchilada.
[All sigh]
[Gasps]
No!
No!
No!
Roger, what are you doing?
Samantha Kingsbury may not have been
as fabulous as Meredith Fields,
but there has to be a persona
in here that could beat her.
PTA rock star Mike Babcock...
the cool dad every mom at
school wants to sleep with.
I mean, bang.
Nobody's sleeping when
Mike comes a-creeping.
Nope.
I'm just gonna have
to start from scratch.
Come on, you'll drive.
Where are we?
Now you're asking?
You're a real odd duck, Francine.
Anyway, this is my
magical persona factory.
Oh, my god!
Funny you mention him. This
is where he was created.
Or, rather, she.
No, he. God's a he.
And he's white.
Francine: Roger, I have to ask...
[Bleats]
What is your electric bill?
Don't worry about it.
[Electricity crackling]
All my characters are conceived here.
I'm sure you recognize
some of my best work.
And now, my best work
needs to be better!
Like a chef, I must pick
the finest ingredients.
All my work has led me to this moment...
The most fabulous
persona I've ever birthed.
And dry ice for effect.
Get ready to meet...
Raider Dave!
Oh, overcooked it.
Boy, you add just one
ingredient too many,
and you end up raider Dave...
every time.
All right, time for the morning work...
ouch!
My body... it's dead!
Oh, my god! Why can't I move?!
It must be from crossfit.
Jeff?!
Down here. I'm stuck, too.
Do I hear that correctly?
The entire family is unable to move?
Klaus, thank god! Help us!
Oh, no. Klaus is in charge now.
I can finally have that birthday party
you didn't let me have two years ago.
We never stopped you from...
yes! The party!
It'll be my party,
with my favorite food.
My favorite drink.
And everybody's favorite song!
No! Klaus!
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
- ♪I like to move it, move it ♪
- My ears!
- ♪Ya like to move it ♪
- It burns!
[Music stops]
Oh, I can't do this to you guys...
Without jacking that bass!
- ♪... move it, move it ♪
- [All screaming]
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
[Classical music playing]
Let's thank Sandra for
her choice this month.
"Little Women" was just a delight.
By the end, after all Jo
and the girls went through,
it should called "Big Women."
Big Women? Try huge.
Mm.
Cecilia Takaru's the name.
Born on a sleigh ride
outside St. Petersburg.
Closer to Tampa, actually.
Or as us tampons like to call it,
home of Hulk Hogan.
- [Laughter]
- My goodness, what a gas.
Studied literature at
space camp for four years,
which, naturally, led me to franchise
the chimdale Ikea.
Not a stress-free job,
but I have a handle on it.
Sorry, I blacked out.
Oh, yeah, "Little Women."
Alcott called it "Little Women"
because she was challenging
the male-centric "Huck Finn"
and the role of females
in a post-colonial America.
Wow. Welcome, Cecilia.
I'm not familiar with
the space camp curriculum,
but wasn't "Little Women"
published 20 years before "Huck Finn"?
In... in space, time is very fluid.
As Einstein hypothesized,
stuff from earlier...
Might actually be from later.
Pull it together.
Einstein's theory of relativity.
And to come up with that
riding a strassenbahn in Vienna.
I'd say it was a greater leap
for mankind than the moonwalk.
[Retches]
[Tires squeal]
Roger, what are you doing?
Cecilia Takaru is a lie!
All of these personas are lies!
Well, yeah.
Masks!
They cover up the fact
that I'm empty inside!
Roger, that's not true!
It took meeting someone
as real as Meredith
for me to see I'm like an onion.
When you peel away the
layers, there's nothing left...
except tears!
[Sobbing]
Aah!
What are you doing?! No!
Die! All of you!
This is agony!
I programmed them to feel burning.
Back to crazy! Aah!
[Screaming]
Why would you do this?
That was your life's work!
That life is over.
I'm done creating characters!
I'm gonna live the rest of my days
as the most boring
person on the planet...
Me.
Well, you have to put on something.
I can't drive you around
looking like an alien.
Fine!
Drive. Take me nowhere.
It's the only place a nobody belongs.
[Sobbing]
[Car door closes]
[Sirens wailing]
[Explosion, glass shatters]
[Roger sobbing]
Oh, Roger, I can hear
you sobbing in there,
and it's breaking my heart.
[Crinkling]
I also hear you rubbing on stuff,
probably our groceries.
Roger: Probably.
Just put on the emergency poncho
and come sit up front with me.
Formless and generic... just like me.
Well, we can zhuzh it up a little.
Much better.
But you need some hair.
Pretty.
Ugh.
[Car door closes]
I just know he did
something terrible to this.
[Car door closes]
[All squawk]
Come on, Tony, pick up, pick up.
You've been calling
people all afternoon.
Face it, Klaus, no one's
coming to your party.
Trust me, my boy Tony
always comes through.
Hey, Tony! It's Klaus!
Get your ass over here.
There is a par-tay going on!
Yeah, of course I'll
give you the the deets.
See? He wants the deets.
Okay, usual deets.
Personal pepperoni
and small crazy bread.
45 minutes!
Oh, he can't wait to party!
That's Tony, bro!
I got a double half-caff cappuccino,
extra whip for...
Wait a second, there's no name.
That's me. I don't deserve a name.
Gah! This is awful!
Do you know who I am? Make it again...
For no name.
Why don't you just go by Roger?
There is no Roger.
Roger is just a collection
of phony persona's
to cover up an emptiness inside.
You're not empty inside.
You've just forgotten who you are
'cause you spend so much
time being other people.
So what's a person do when
they've forgotten who they are?
You could...
Volunteer for something.
They say the best way to find yourself
is in the service of others.
"Awareness.
A-where's yours?"
[Chuckles] That's clever.
This speaks to me.
That's the flier for
Meredith's charity gala.
I don't think you should
be around the woman
who's got you wearing
a mop on your head.
She's exactly who I should be around,
'cause she knows exactly who she is.
Ooh, phone Jack installation.
This guy sounds like he
knows who he is as well.
Hmm, so it's down to these two.
Piano lessons?!
Wait, don't park in the CVS parking lot?
This board is just
knocking my socks off!
Okay, so...
You take your water bottle, okay,
and you just slide the label on.
There. You just raised awareness.
I think I felt it.
Oh. Your bungee cord belt.
[Groans]
Look at your neat belt!
Seems to have traveled on you.
Thank you!
And thank you for your help.
Awareness is the first step
before thinking about caring
about a specific thing.
You crawl before you walk.
Walk before you run.
Pee before you sex!
[Laughs] Someone's got spunk!
You're gonna do just fine.
[Laughs] Oh!
That means so much coming
from someone like you.
Sometimes, I don't have
a lot of confidence.
Don't be silly. You
can be whoever you want.
You're so kind.
May I give you something?
Well, what do we have here?
Triangle.
Now, isn't that a curious
way to look at someone.
[Reel 2 Real's "I Like
to Move It" playing]
Why didn't the pizza guy help us?
'Cause Klaus didn't tip him.
An apple is a tip.
[Doorbell rings]
Thank god, somebody's here! Help!
Yeah, party people!
Help yourselves to some pizza.
If anyone knows how
to make jell-o shots,
there's a half handle of Popov.
Klaus, who the hell are these people?
Oh, just some people I know
through my friend Craig.
You might know him. He has his own list.
You invited perverts from
Craigslist into my house?
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
♪ya like to move it ♪
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
Babe!
Dealing with my own thing here, Jeff.
My glasses!
♪Ya like to move it ♪
What's happening?! Something's wet!
Oh, god! Something's wet!
Nice to see you smiling
again and not starting fires.
Did you do something to your hair?
It looks like Meredith's, right?
She says I can be just like her.
Don't forget...
you're supposed to be finding yourself!
Yeah, yeah.
Meredith! Meredith!
Meredith! Meredith, hi!
Oh. Oh, it's you.
Is that my scarf?
Did you change your hair?
I don't think so.
Do you like it?!
I have the same haircut.
Uh, Mer, I've got the
band leader on the phone.
I wrote some songs about
awareness. You want to hear 'em?
You're probably already thinking
'em 'cause we're so similar.
Oh, my god, that's so us!
- Meredith?
- Yes?
Yes? I mean... I mean,
why are you asking me?
- I'm not Meredith.
- We have to move up the news plug.
Did you think I was Meredith?
Do I look like Meredith?
They need you on the air in five.
Meredith, we've got big banner problems.
Not now. I'm in the middle of something.
Please, can you give us some space?
Yes, can you all give us some space?
Oh, right, sure.
I'll... I'll just go busy myself...
In o trash.
That dumpster's got to
be around here somewhere.
Oh! Maybe it's in
Meredith's master bedroom.
I'll just take a quick peek.
[Smooches]
What are you doing?!
Mer-Mer?
Is that my négligée?
I'm so sorry.
I just admire you so much,
and I saw it, and... and... and...
oh, promise me you're not mad!
What?! I'm extremely mad!
We don't even know each other.
- I mean, what's your name?
- Meredith.
But that's my name.
I know!
You told me I could be whoever I want.
And I chose you.
But I'm me.
Mm, sorry. You're already taken.
I'd like you to leave right now.
And I'd like you to give me your pants,
because we're so
obviously the same size.
Why are you acting like this?
Gee, I don't know, Meredith two.
Maybe it's because I'm standing here
in my delicates like a crazy person!
[Grunting]
Oh, my god! She's out cold!
What have I done? What do I do?
What would Meredith do?
Of course.
The answer's right in front of me.
[Doorbell rings]
Why, hello there!
Sorry to bother,
but I'm looking for
one of your volunteers.
She didn't come home last night.
Roger: [As Meredith]
Who's at the door, dear?
Oh, no.
Well, I'll leave you two.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Small circles, light pressure.
[Both moaning]
Roger, what the hell did you do?
Where's Meredith?!
Francine, everything's fine now.
I put her on a barge, and now I'm her.
A barge?
You can't take someone's life like this!
Why? Can't it just be
like when we were kids?
Oh, Franny, we'd draw pictures
with red oceans and green
skies and be who we wanted!
And then play in the sprinklers
till Mama called us for supper.
Are you having a stroke right now?
Forget it. I'm stopping this.
That's barge talk, Francine.
Roger, I am not going to sit here and...
[fog horn blares]
Son of a bitch. He barged me.
Meredith, are you okay?
Some lunatic kidnapped
me and dumped me here.
Yeah, that's my friend.
She's stolen your life.
She's running your gala.
Oh, and she may be having
relations with your husband.
No! My gala!
[Reel 2 Real's "I Like
to Move It" playing]
Klaus, you've got to stop this party.
The perverts have become emboldened.
You've proven your point.
You have a crew, okay?
Now stop this!
I don't know what's happening,
but I think I'm moving!
Tell me it's a good guy, please.
Even if it's not true.
- ♪I like to move it, move it ♪
- [Doll squeaks]
Stan, Hayley, Steve, Jeff!
Trey! Trey! Trey! Trey!
Do I hear Coach Trey?
Party's over. Now
pump up my workout jam.
♪I like to move it, move it ♪
♪he like to move it, move it ♪
♪she like to move it, move it ♪
♪we like to move it, move it ♪
♪they like to move it, move it ♪
♪you like to move it, move it ♪
Three, two, one.
Personal record.
How did you know we were in trouble?
After you didn't show up
for your second workout,
I figured something
like this had happened.
A lot of first-time crossfitters
end up so sore, they can't move.
It's the roofie of physical fitness.
You should tell people
that when they sign up.
Hey, no problem.
Now, I got to go back to my other job...
As a terrible marine biologist.
See ya in the box!
That's what we call the gym!
[Classical music playing]
[Drill whirring]
It's me... Jerry the dentist!
[Cheers and applause]
But tonight is not about me.
Or the number-one
family dental practice
in the Langley-Langston
-chimdale triangle.
[Scattered applause]
Tonight is about my wife.
I give you Meredith Fields.
♪
[Cheers and applause]
Where does awareness come from?
Tell us! Tell us where!
The sky! Everyone look up!
Get him!
[Sirens wailing]
Maniacs!
Hold it right there, imposter!
I'm not the imposter! She is!
Hey!
[Sighs]
Back to being nobody, I guess.
Oh, Franny. How was the barge?
Honestly...
Pretty great.
Listen, I'm sorry.
I know I went too far,
but being Meredith,
it just felt so good to be someone real.
But you were nothing like Meredith.
I didn't even do th right.
You were you.
You're always you, no
matter who you're playing.
'Cause the real Roger
is at the core of all your characters.
You are real selfish and real horny
and real violent and real sensitive.
And just really...
Really amazing.
Do you mean it?
Do you honestly think I'm horny?
The horniest.
Thank you, Franny.
You're not so not horny yourself.
Where's the criminal?
He's not a criminal.
Unless it's a crime to
bleed silver and black.
Raider Dave!
This is our year! Raider
Nation will rise again!
[Whooping]