American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - A Smith in the Hand - full transcript

#Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

#The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #

# Goodmorning, U.S.A.#

[ Chorus ]
# Goodmorning, U.S.A. ##

[Man Narrating]
Tonight on Fox, it's...

The Simple Life:
Life Without Parole.

We're gonna give new meaning
to the term "hard time. "

- [ WolfWhistles ] Woman! Woman!
- That's hot.



[Narrator] Watch Paris and Nicole
debase themselves...

as they desperately cling
to their last shred ofstardom.

- Hey, we were watchi ng that!
- I t's m i ndless and degrading.

Oh, come on! As a shut-in,
I only have two pleasures:

trash TV and booze.

Oh, and Shrinky Dinks. You put 'em
in the oven, it's like baking art.

- [ Snickers ]
- All you do is sit on your ass all day.

- You're such a loser!
- [ Gasps ] I am not a loser!

Hayley, you take that back!

Okay, Roger.
Maybe I went too-

Hayley, what the hell's
wrong with you? Finish him!

No! I just cleaned this carpet.

Hey, Dad, I need you to sign
this permission slip.

They're teaching
sex education at school.



Hmm. Could you give us
a moment, Steve?

[ Screams ]

- What was that for?
- He's only 1 4.

I don't want some unionized pervert...

teaching my son
about nature's filthy secret.

But, honey, Steve is at that age...

and they're just trying
to give him a little knowledge.

They? Who's they?

The smut-peddling flag burners
or the God-killing tree huggers?

[Steve ]
Tree huggers, I think.

Well, it's clearwhat must be done.

- We have to burn the school to the ground.
- Stan!

Fine, fine.
We'll talk to the principal.

Soon, my pet.
Soon I will feed you the world.

- Stan!
- Coming.

These academics are expert
at using mind games...

to implant their liberal agendas.

I've dealt with them before,
so leave the talking to me.

- Good. You're both here.
- And you're both here.

- I understand there's a problem.
- I understand there's a solution.

- Mr. Smith, you're not making sense.
- Playing the race card already?

- I've got him on the ropes.
- Thankyou for seeing us, Principal Lewis.

My husband is just
a teeny bit concerned...

that Steve may not
be ready for sex education.

That's right. Mywife didn't spend 36 hours
squeezing Steve from her birth canal...

soyou could shove his face
right back in there!

The state requires that he take
sex ed in order to graduate.

Fine. Then instead
ofyour bohemian filth fest...

I demand he be offered a more wholesome,
family-friendly alternative.

And who doyou propose
teach this stupid class?

I'm Professor Smith.

You should all be grateful
your parents signed you up...

for this morally upright
health class.

Oh, this be
the morally upright class?

I'm in the other one.
Excuseth me, English.

- [Whip Cracks ]
- [Horse Neighs ]

Okay, now that the square is gone,
we can really rap.

So, what do you need to know?

Um, everything, I guess.
I talk a big game...

but I actually know
very little about sex.

Well, you don't have to worry about it,
becauseyou're not having it.

- Oh. But I guess I just thought I should know-
- You don't need to know.

- That's the beautiful mystery of sex.
- Well, I guess not, but-

See, ifl tell you about it,
it won't be a mystery.

It'll just be a fact-
an ugly, moist fact...

squatting on your brain
like an octopus.

And you don't want an octopus
squatting on your brain, doyou, Son?

- No.
- And that's where babies come from.

How did it go with Steve today?

Fantastic. I gave him the totality
of my man knowledge.

Ooh, you're such a good father.
[ Moaning ]

Francine, what areyou doing?
This is where we eat.

I'm in the middle ofspring cleaning.
You knowwhat that does to me.

Oh, right, spring cleaning.
Oh, I completelyforgot to clean the gutters.

Forget those gutters!
Clean my gutters!

[ Both Moaning ]

- [ Gasps ] Steve!
- Is this a bad time?

No, no. I was just buffing the table
with your mother.

- [ Squeaking ]
- Okay. Anyway, I was talking to the Amish kid...

and I still have some
questions about... sex.

Absolutely, Son.
Let's talk in private.

Stan, doyou want me
to come with you?

No. This is a father's job.

Besides, sons have complex relationships
with their mothers.

Especially ifthey're as beautiful
and sexy as my mother.

Upside-down margarita!

[ Gagging, Coughing ]
Roger, what areyou doing?

Hayleywas right.
I am wasting my life.

So I decided to get
my bartender's license.

- Oh, forgot the umbrella.
- [ Gags ]

Wait. Does a margarita
take an umbrella?

[ Screams ]
My test is tomorrow!

Soyou're saying I should never,
ever have sex before marriage?

That's right. Or angels
will kill you. Good night.

Some ofthe guys atschool
sayifyou have urges...

you can handle themyourself.

Ah, I knew this day would come.

It's time foryou to watch the film
that made me the man I am today.

[ Man Narrating ]
Hey, kids, meet TimmyJohnson.

Timmy is a healthy, athletic,
all-American boy...

who is about to fall victim
to a terrible evil-

an evil greater than civil
rights and Communism combined.

Mom? Dad?
My game ended early.

[ Narrator]
Timmy is about to touch himself.

Three hours alone! What will I do?
Jeepers! What's this?

[ Screaming ]

Whoa! That's messed up.

So how do we defeat
these evil urges?

The way I have my entire life.

With hobbies. Hobbies keepyour mind
clean and your hands busy.

I've had a hobby
since I was your age...

and not once have I ever played
a solo on the devil's clarinet.

You've gotyour fly tying, your
gun cleaning, your decoupage.

- What's this for?
- Only the greatest hobby of all-wood burning.

You use a burning tool to scorch pictures
orwhimsical sayings onto wood.

Sayings like "Kiss the Cook"
or "Friday's Comin"'...

or my favorite,
"You Want It When?"

[ Laughing ]
"You Want It When?"

Get it? It expresses disbelief
at an unreasonable deadline.

[ Laughs ]
Thatjust kills me.

I'm ready, Dad.
Let's beat temptation!

Okay. I'll just place a thin strip ofwood
across my unprotected lap.

Now, take that red-hot poker
and drive it on home, hard as you can.

Wait! The good hobbyist always
thinks about safety first.

Now let her rip.

[ Screaming ]

[Scream Echoing]

Oh, luckily it's only a minor injury.

Minor? I doubt we'd be calling it
minor ifit was yourwee-wee.

- Here's your prescription, Dad.
- Finally. The burn ointment.

"Apply to affected area."

Why can't theywrite
these things in English?

Everybody out!
I'm calling the C.I.A. doctor.

- [ Monitor Beeping ]
- Smith, I'm elbow-deep inside
the vice president's chest.

- This better be important.
- Vital. How doyou use ointment?

Oh,just take a large gob and apply it
directly to the affected area.

Oh, okay, but, uh,
the affected area is my-

- Doctor, the aorta has ruptured.
- Clamp on to it with both hands.

Okay, but to do that, I'm gonna
have to put you on speakerphone.

The artery is retracting!

[DoctorOn Phone ]
Pull on it! Pull with allyourmight!

I-I feel weird.
Maybe I should stop.

Don't quit on me now,
you son ofa bitch! Keep pumping!

But I 'm- I 'm-
[ Screaming ]

[Scream Echoing]

Why do we keep grazing here?

I don't know.
I do not know.

Where's your father?
His dinner's getting cold.

He hasn't left the bathroom
for two days.

- He just stays up there
applying ointment and shouting.
- [Stan Screaming]

It's my fault.
I mutilated him.

Steve, it was just an accident,
and it wasn't that bad.

Not that bad? Just listen
to his cries ofanguish!

- [Stan Screaming]
- [ Sobbing ]

Whew. Enough ofthat
for one day.

Ah, might as well make it
a baker's dozen.

Besides, I'm not doing
anything wrong. I'm healing.

And healing feels good.
Incredibly good.

Like God has kissed me
with a mouthful ofscotch.

[Steve]
Dad! Thereyouare.

Of-Of course I'm here. Wh-Where
would I be? Alone? Touching myself?

Yeah, right. Only perverts
and Democrats do that.

[ Laughs ]
Well said, soldier.

I just want to say how sorry I am...

and I hope this experience
will bring us even closer together.

Of course it will.
Now get out.

Welcome to Roger's Place.
What's your poison?

All right. I'll have a Cosmopolitan.

A Cosmo for the lady
who changed my life.

Just need to see some I.D.

[ Laughs ]
Okay, hereyou go.

Yeah, this is clearly fake.

I'm gonna have to confiscate this,
Dr. Ernestine Chow.

But I need that to get into bars!

Uh-huh. I could lose my license.

What license?
You're an alien!

This is make-believe
in our attic!

- We gonna have a problem?
- [ Grunts ]

- [ Air Horn Blares ]
- Rise and shine!

- Wh-What?
- Time foryou to leave me alone.

I mean, Steve needs a ride to school.

- Oh, okay. I better get dressed.
- Already taken care of.

Let me just put on
some makeup. Ow!

Movie star gorgeous.
See ya.

I don't think Dad likes
having me around anymore.

Oh, now, why
would you say that?

Because I woke up this morning
in the car, fully dressed.

Steve, your father got hurt
in a very tender place.

He's probably frustrated
he can't go to work...

or mow the lawn
or clean the gutters.

Boy, it's been a while
since he's cleaned the gutters.

Hey, maybe until Dad gets better,
I can clean the gutters.

That's creepy, honey.
Oh, no. We gotta go home.

I just realized your father
forgot to put underpants on me.

## [Dramatic Choral Work]

[ Floorboard Creaks ]

- Stan?
- Francine! What a nice surprise.

- What are you doing?
- Enjoying the view.

- [Woman Screams ]
- Hello, Mrs. Pace, little Susie.

Anyway, great visiting with you,
Francine. I'll be in the study.

- Stan, that's the closet.
- Thankyou.

- [ Tires Screeching ]
- Sign in here.

This isn't right.
I have to stop doing this.

- [ Screams ]
- Guess who just packed up
her last box of spring cleaning?

Ah, French maid outfit.
Very arousing.

- I'm overwhelmed with desire. Good day.
- [ Sighs ]

- Francine!
- Francine!

Good to seeyou, Mrs. S.
You just missed happy hour...

but we may still have
some crab cakes.

- Miguel, tenemos crab cakes?
- [ Snaps Fingers ]

I don't want any crab cakes.

- Good, because there's no Miguel or crab cakes.
- [ Sobbing ]

Oh, sweetie, what's the matter?

It's a bartender's job
to provide a sympathetic ear.

Stan has completely
stopped being intimate.

Well, you are
kinda on the downslope.

- Excuse me!
- Listen, doll, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it.

You're scaring off my customers.

I mean, look at this place.
It's a freakin' ghost town!

[ Sobbing ]

She's so desperate.

Doyou think she'll
let me swim in her mouth?

Your breasts are fine. It would be unethical
for me to recommend anything larger.

But may I suggest a third breast?

- I don't think-
- Okay, how about two in the back?

Or I can combine these two
into one fantastic super-boob!

- Can I just get a little Botox?
- No one everwants the super-boob.

Hey, Keith, I'm here to pick up
my refill on that, uh, ointment.

Actually, Mr. Smith, you had
eight refills, and you used them all.

I'm pretty sure I had two left.

No. Remember, you blew
through thoseyesterday...

and made me call the doctor
for eight more.

Right. So I'll just take my last six tubes
and get out ofyour hair.

Sorry, Stan.
I can't helpyou.

Give me the stuff
or I'll shoot!

- You traded meyour gun
for ointment. Remember?
- [ Groans ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

Please!Just a dab'll do me.

Yes! Yes!

[ Maniacal Laughing ]

- [ Moaning ]
- [Steve] Dad?

- Ooh!
- I'm doing your chores
soyou won't hate me anymore.

See, Daddy? I'm a good boy.
I'm a good boy.

Of- Of courseyou are.
I'm the one who's bad!

Must kill the urge.

Focusing on mindless manual task.

Prurient thoughts evaporating.

I am... myselfagain.

Nothing more pure than Lady Liberty.

Yes, the Statue of Liberty standing
proudly on America's shore...

in her clingy dress.

[ Grunts ] One last time.
One last time and I'm done forever!

# Makin' Dad happy
Makin' Dad happy #

# Doin' his chores
Doin' his chores #

# Mom and Dad's bedroom
Mom and Dad-## [ Screams ]

- [ Screaming ]
- [ Screaming Continues ]

Steve, slow down.
That's your fourth ShirleyTemple.

I'll tell you when I've had enough.

Set one up, Roger.
I really need it.

Oh, uh, Steve.
I didn't knowyou come here.

- Uh, how's the arm?
- Oh, the arm will heal.

Butyou know what won't?
This.

This sounds like a family thing.
I'll leaveyou two alone.

All this timeyou said you were healing,
and you werejust-

Ah! I don'twant to relive it.

You're a hypocrite, Dad!
A liar and a hypocrite!

Ouch. Rub some ointment
on that, why don'tya?

I'll just watch TV.

Steve, I wish you
hadn't seen whatyou saw.

Butyou gotta believe me.
This isn't my fault.

- Really? Then whose fault is it?
- Well, I, uh- I don't-

Keep it down. Simple Life's on,
and Paris is washing the warden's car.

Taking it offhere, boss.

Television!

- What?
- Television drove me to it!

I'm still decent. I'm just a victim
ofthis evil-spewing smut box.

Give me a break, Dad.
Television?

Well, let me askyou something.
Doyou think about sex all the time?

- Nonstop.
- And doyou watch TV all the time?

Constantly.

Holy cow!
You just blew my mind!

See? I knew it wasn't my fault!

Murderer! You killed my son!
[ Grunting ]

- I'm still alive, Dad.
- Yes, butyou're dead inside.

Come on. We've gotta
go save America.

- What's going on?
- Steve fell off a ladder.

He's dead inside.
We're gonna go save America.

Francine, you seem oddly unfazed.

No, no.
I'm shocked and confused.

It's just that I paralyzed my face
to make me look prettier.

Ach, why didn't you say
you were having work done?

I would have gladly gone
halvsies on a super-boob.

Senators, thankyou for coming
to this top-secret threat briefing.

As we all know, this country
is surrounded by monstrous enemies.

But, gentlemen,
I giveyou the true face of evil.

Smith, is this some kind ofjoke?

No, really. This is the face of evil,
and this is the ass of evil.

Uh, your memo stated you had urgent
information about a dirty bomb.

This is a dirty bomb! A dirty bomb
that goes offin your pants.

- And it killed me inside!
- It killed the boy inside! We must take action!

Well, we're not having much luck
catching the real monstrous enemies.

And a good media crusade
is always a solid vote-getter.

I'll accept nothing less
than total authority...

over the entire country's
communication system.

- We'll giveyou one town- Langley Falls.
- Done.

- [ TV Static ]
- He didn't even notice
my beautiful nerve-dead face.

Well, you maywant
to cutyourself some slack.

He's been a little preoccupied
since he, you know, found himself.

- Found himself?
- Ah, you're gonna make me spell it out?

- Okay, look, Stan's been-
-...spanking the monkey.

The zookeeper said the saucy simian
needed some tough love...

after breaking his tiny unicycle.

Oh, that explains the total neglect...

and the increased tissue consumption.

Kind of a downer that Steve
caught him red-handed though.

- What?
- Hey, that's why they invented therapy.

Of course, you probably blew
all that money on this... fiasco.

We interrupt this broadcast
with a breaking story.

That's right, Terry.
I n order to purge trash from TV...

our government has given me
complete control...

over all programming
in Langley Falls.

- Stan, can I offer an observation?
- It's a free country, Greg.

I thinkyou might be imposing
your personal hang-ups on the public...

and that's a violation ofthe First Amend-

Langley Falls, say good-bye to smut...

and say hello to clean TV.

Oh, God, he's
taken over television.

Am I scowling?
I want to be scowling.

- [ Children Whining ]
- What's going on?

- [ Indistinct Shouting ]
- Yo, where's my Wife Swap?

[ Man On TV]
Hi there, sinners.

It's time for The Gentle Bearded
Christian Sing-Along Hour.

Oh, what fresh hell is this?

# Lava, acid and your crotch #

# These are things you must not touch #
Take it, Son.

# Rest assured your eyes will melt #

# Ifyou drift below the belt #

He's using Steve?
This has gone too far!

Francine, your Botox
is wearing off.

Und so is my Fleischhosen.

Awesome job, Dad! I really think
we're winning the war on urges.

- Sir, the phones are lighting up.
- Fantastic!

It's mostly death threats,
but I thinkyou're doing an amazing job.

No one likes a suck-up, Terry.

I guess you wanna go out clubbin'.

Gonna be kinda tough
without that fake I.D. though.

[ Laughing, Cries ]

Where is it? Huh? Where is it?
I know it's in here somewhere!

Ah! Getyour greasy paws
out of my "orificee-cees."

- Got it! What the-
- My pancreas! Give it back!

- I'll tradeyou for my I.D.
- Yeah, yeah. Okay, okay.

- Ah! It bit me!
- [ Growling, Twittering ]

Great! Now I gotta spend all night
putting peanut butter in pancreas traps.

- Francine!
- Steve, you're comin' home with me right now!

He can't. He's my partner
in the crusade to cleanse the airwaves.

- We're keeping people pure!
- Nowyou'll have to excuse us.

It's the premiere
of Celibate Sock Puppet Theater.

Picture in four, three, two-

Hello, everyone. I'm Footsie,
the celibate sock puppet...

and I'm content to eat taffy,
collect stamps...

and look at my aquarium
all day long.

Stan, enough!
I know whatyou've been doing.

- Roger told me everything.
- [ Gasps ]

Look, I'm sorry that 30 years ago...

you got some lousy advice
about sex that screwed you up...

but I cannot let you do
the same thing to our son.

- I'm not screwing him up.
- Yeah, Mom. I know my body is filthy.

No, it's not.
Steve, urges are natural...

and it's healthy to explore them.

- Francine, no!
- Because ifyou don't explore
them, you'll repress them.

Then one day
when you do discover them...

you'll rejectyourwife, hurtyour son
and try to take down TV!

Quick!
Back to the aquarium!

Stan, talk toyour son.

- Dad?
- I'm sorry, Steve.

I was only trying to protectyou,
butyour mom is right.

You deserve the truth,
so here it is, all ofit.

When a man and a woman
are in love, orvery drunk, they-

Or the man can balance on his elbows
and push offwith his feet...

which is whyyou should
always have a towel handy to-

Now, moving on to toys.

Stan, that's enough for one day.
Right, Steve?

[ Mumbling ]

I'm proud ofyou, honey.
You set your son straight.

Couldn't have done it
withoutyou, Francine.

[ Moaning, Kissing ]

Now, this is trash TV.

- [Pancreas Twittering]
- [Trap Snaps ]

- [Pancreas Crying]
- [ Laughing ]

- Got you, you sneaky little bastard!
- [Screams ]

Have a great night.