American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Homeland Insecurity - full transcript

Damn! Thatjabberjaw Tuttle's
still watering his lawn.

This is the sixth time
we've circled the block. I have to pee

- and I'm not going in the cup again.
- Tie a knot in it, Francine!

I won't get stuck talking to Mr Sincerely
Wants To Know How You're Doing guy.

- God, his genuine interest makes me sick!
- Come on. He's perfectly nice.

In today's world, perfectly nice
gets you perfectly dead.

Stupid gas guzzler, that I as an American
have a right to drive!

How ya doin'?
Seriously, I genuinely wanna know.

Now's not a good time. I just slammed
my hand in the car door.

You understand. Come on.

- Say hi to Betty for me.
- I would, but she died six months ago.



- The big C.
- Cancer?

No, the big letter C from the Coca-Cola sign.
Fell right on top of her.

Betty died? How did I get so out of touch?

I was friends with everyone on the block.

You still have friends, like the washing
machine, and the family of skillets.

"Honey, are we driving to your sister's
wedding?" "No, we're frying." Get it?

How about a courtesy laugh?
They're your friends.

I wish I could just throw a party
and reconnect with everyone.

- But, of course, I can't.
- Why not?

Because your security clearances
and background checks

make people uncomfortable.
Remember game night with the McLearys?

And that's the last time
I buy prewashed spinach in a bag.

So, Laura, you had an abortion in college.

What?



"Sports and Leisure" for the wedge.

I just wish that for one afternoon
you could stop being CIA guy

and just be a normal husband
so I could have some friends.

Gosh, Francine, I didn't know friends
meant that much to you.

You'll throw that party, and
it'll be the bestest party in the land!

Oh, Stan. Really?
You promise you'll be good?

I'll be better than good.
I'll be fun! Starting now.

I'll be fun in the kitchen!
In the bedroom! In the dining room!

And I'll be fun at Costco when
we're shopping for bulk paper towels!

The alien in this video game is awesome
He shoots laser beams, he levitates.

He's the coolest alien ever.

- Oh, I didn't mean...
- No, you said it. Now we have to live with it.

It's kinda true.
You don't have any special powers, do you?

I'm a good listener.
Know how rare that is in this universe?

Yeah, that'll take down an F-14.
Can't you do anything?

Well, I can get my feelings hurt
and throw a world-class hissy fit!

I wish he'd get sick like ET.

- It's going to be a block party.
- We'll provide burgers and beer,

as long as you provide
your charming selves.

- No cavity search?
- Available on request.

Oh, you!

Well, I'm so proud of you.
You actually are being fun.

Oh, Francine. F-U-N. That spells "fun",
and that's what I am. A guy who spells fun.

- Thatjust leaves the new neighbours.
- New neighbours?

"Memari"? Oh, God!
Tell me they're not Italian.

No, I think they're Iranian.

- Holy Ayatollah!
- Hi. We're your neighbours,

Stan and Francine Smith.
We came to invite you to our block party.

Bob and Linda Memari.
We'd love to come.

Well, maybe some other time.
So, what part of Islam do you hail from?

My parents were from Iran,
I was born in Cleveland.

We also have a Cleveland here in America.
It'd be super if you didn't blow it up.

The block party starts at three
and goes till question mark.

It's pot luck, so bring whatever you want.

But not smallpox! Kidding.
Kind ofjoking, but not really.

Enemies of freedom
are in our neighbourhood.

Your mother is in denial,
but we will be prepared.

That's why I have to join
the dorky Scout Rangers?

The Rangers will teach you
skills you need to survive,

whether the apocalypse comes
in six months or seven.

Ahoy, Rangers!
Is the scoutmaster around?

He stepped out, but my name's Joey.
Can I help you, sir?

My son is soft.
I want you to make him Ranger-rific.

That's good. By the way, that's trademarked.
You can't use that.

Well, good luck.

Stand straight, Ranger.
One day you'll look back on this day and...

OK, Dudley Do-Right's gone.

Hey, Spider. Beer me.

Stan! The party's starting.
You're still planning on being fun, right?

You bet. Just undergoing
a little last-minute funnification.

I think I'm fully strapped.

There might be some room left in the vast
wasteland between your testicles and anus.

Nope, ocupado.

- I gotta go to a Rangers meeting.
- Hold up.

Remember how I taught you Morse code?

If you're ever taken hostage by a neighbour
and end up on Al Jazeera,

just blink your coordinates
in Morse code, like this.

- I'll have a bomb dropped on your location.
- I'd be dead.

There are plenty of kids
in heaven to play with.

Cousin Billy.
The girl from Poltergeist.

She must be 16 by now.
You could totally hit that.

We thought it'd be nice
to get the neighbours together.

- Who's that woman in the tennis dress?
- Karen. Wanna meet her?

I just want Greg to check out
her sun-damaged skin.

That's the kind of leather I want
for the couch.

- Yeah. Nice.
- Hey, Stan. Cheese platter?

I'll just put it over here
on the international table.

- Anyway, glad you could make it.
- Are you frisking me?

Frisking you?
No, this is how white people say hello.

Hey, grab me a beer?

Keep digging. Cold ones are at the bottom.

- What the hell are you doing?
- I like to check orifices for explosives.

It's a quirk. Indulge me.

Not very neighbourly!

- Smith, you are hereby an official Ranger...
- Awesome!

...if you can recite the oath
before the flame hits your hand.

- And show us your penis.
- Dude, we don't do that.

Right. I know. Imagine if we did.
That'd be gay, right?

I promise to mislead,
deceive, beguile, delu...

- No!
- Holy crap, Smith.

- That was awesome!
- That was really cool.

You're one of us now.

- What was that for?
- For being such a good sport.

I don't wanna toot my own horn,
but I think this party's a big hit!

That's enough sangria.
You know, our neighbours are OK.

They're like international Chex Mix -

eat 'em by the handful,
they all taste American.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,
deep down we're all...

- Under attack!
- What? Under attack? Who's attacking us?

The terrorists!

Everyone in your homes, now!

You ruined everything!

Everything?

The hyperbole police are coming to take you
away and lock you up in Exaggeration-traz.

I think I made my point. Eloquent.

I was finally making friends.
How could you ruin my party?

It was easy. I yelled "Terrorists!"
and everyone ran away.

Sorry. I thought you asked
how did I ruin it.

I'm, like, "You were there, baby."

Dad, what you did was racial profiling. The
Memaris had nothing to do with that gazebo.

They're trying to destroy us
and you want proof?

- Yes!
- Well, that's fair. I'll go get some.

Hello. A phone bill.

- Dr Cohen?
- Sure, why not?

Just get comfortable,
and we'll take a look.

Very nice.
I wish Francine kept hers this clean.

What have we here?

- Tic Tacs.
- Doctor!

Why are you going through my purse?

Move. Come on, move! I can't see
their terrorist-related activities.

Dammit!

All I was trying to do
was keep my country and family safe!

I hear ya. All I was trying to do
was keep my little sister safe

by killing her boyfriend
and eating his brain.

Let's be friends.

I must have some special power.
Think, Roger, think.

- The ability to walk through walls?
- I don't know.

You won't know if you don't try.

It's times like this I wish I had a wife
so I could turn to her and say:

"Stop eating bread, you fat pig.
Look at your thighs. You disgust me!"

Burning down the gazebo? Smith,
you have taken us to the next level.

About that. I'm not sure I'm Ranger material.
I'm thinking about hanging up my kerchief.

- No problem.
- Really? I can just quit?

Sure, it's easy.
Just ask the last guy who wanted out.

We're gonna take your skin.

Please stop! I can't take it any more.

- Dad?
- Thank God! Get me out of here!

This psycho is putting on South Pacific
and stepping on all my lines.

You didn't find proof
the Memaris are terrorists.

Listen, Miss Freedom Hater,
they'll strike again,

and I have to get them off the street.

The good news is, in the time I've been
locked up, I realised just how to do that.

Guard! Oh, wait a second.
It's a front hook. I see it. I see it.

- Bob! Linda!
- There they are.

I forgot to tell you. I invited Bob and Linda
for brunch so I could apologise poolside.

Oh, Stan. Thank you.

I've acted horribly to you guys. I'm sorry.

Sorry you're terrorists!

You turned our yard
into a prison camp?

Detention centre. By keeping them here,
they can't strike again.

- You can't do this!
- The United States Patriot Act says I can.

- Let them out. This isn't funny.
- Linda's making a run for the gate.

Come on.
You can't tell me that's not funny.

Ready to talk?
I want your full confession on tape.

- We didn't do anything.
- Terrorist says what?

- What?
- I thought so.

- How could you do this to me?
- It's not always about you, Francine.

What you're doing violates every tenet
of a rational and just society.

High-five!

Steve, I do have powers after all!

I can shoot heat rays out of my fingertips.
Look!

- Hey, is that my dad's sweatshirt?
- I'm having a fat day. What are you doing?

Running away. It's the only way
to escape those psycho Rangers.

Take me with you!

Maybe my special power is keeping you from
getting molested at the bus station. Maybe.

Until you give me details of your next attack,
I'm depriving you of sleep.

- It's two in the afternoon.
- No sleep!

Starting to get uncomfortable, isn't it?

Sure would be nice to feel
the gentle embrace of the sandman's spell

as he warbles his sweet lilting lullaby...

Hayley! The neighbourhood!
Why are you two here?

- Release the Memaris.
- They're human beings. They have rights.

- Why can't you say that to your father?
- I will. This Thanksgiving.

- But only if he's drunk and the Cowboys win.
- Come on! Let's get the Memaris!

Hey, stop! You can't go in there!
That's my house!

Oh! Got boob.
Come on, no trespassing!

Roger, stopping for that burrito
cost us 20 minutes.

Can't run away on an empty stomach.

Taco King.
I think I'm having a delici-gasm.

- Hey, there's Smith! Get him!
- We're dead!

I figured out what my special power is.

- Really?
- Yes, I'm sure of it.

Steve, do you believe in magic?

I do! I do!

Then close your eyes and hold on.
We're gonna fly!

Sorry.
You don't know if you don't try.

I'm gonna lie... I'm gonna lie down.

Hey! Hey! Back off! Back off!

Don't you all get it? Since they've been
locked up, there hasn't been a single attack.

- Oh, no! The power went out.
- Oh, my God! They've struck again!

- The Memaris have been here the whole time.
- They must be part of a larger terrorist cell.

- What are you doing?
- They've recruited others.

They're like vampires! Or gays!

- Could you get any more insane?
- Plug your butt with this clove of garlic!

You can't imprison
the entire neighbourhood! Oh!

Until I figure out who's behind this,
no one's going anywhere.

Let 'em go, Stan!
It's been a fun ride, but it's over.

Come on, Francine. Not this old routine -

you pull a gun,
I pretend I'm gonna do what you want,

then I pull out my gun,
we do our little John Woo stand-off.

Your arm gets tired,
you drop your gun,

and we have "nobody got shot" sex.

Hey! Hey, where are you goi? Francine?

Why did you pull a gun on me
if you didn't want to have sex?

All right, you've found me.
Just tell me what I have to do.

Are you kidding?
Smith, you take things too far.

I mean, the whole electrical grid?
My PlayStation runs on electricity.

- And my Sonicare!
- And Todd's Sonicare. You're out, Smith.

No, no, Steve.
Don't come near this bush.

Pal, that burrito
did a number on my alien stomach.

- Let's just go home.
- Too bad.

I guess I'll never find my special power.

I'll check the transformer.
You'll buy the beers later, right?

Can't do it, pal.
I gotta work on my toast for your wedding.

Jim, look. Behind this bush.
There's a turd made of solid gold.

And it's studded with diamonds and gems...

We're rich, Jim! Rich!
All of our dreams are gonna come tr...

- Oh, hey, Harlan.
- Jeez, we got a mess here today, huh, Jim?

Yeah, it's pretty bad.
I think it's the transformer.

- Where's Mike?
- He didn't show up for work today.

- That ain't like him.
- Yeah, well, you know Mike.

- Look, Harlan, I gotta get going.
- Yeah, OK. Say hey to Abby.

Yeah, yeah. Sure thing.

Hey! Hey, hold on a second!

- Is there a problem?
- I'll say there's a problem.

You forgot your wrench.

Mondays, right? Thanks.

Jim and Abby can't answer the phone
right now. Leave a message.

Pick up. Something incredible's
happened. It'll change our...

- Hello?
- Who... who is this? Where's Abby?

- Idiot! I told you not to answer.
- Sorry, I forgot.

What? Who is this?

Now, which one of you
is the terrorist mastermind?

You're crazy!

Yeah? Well, you're wet. But at least
in five minutes I'll still be crazy!

Easy on the tequila.
How many shooters are you gonna do?

All I wanted was
to reconnect with the neighbours,

and then your paranoid father
locked 'em up in the backyard!

It's like the world's
worst pool party out there.

Or the world's best theme party.

A terrorist detainment camp theme party?

You don't think we'd really
lock up our neighbours, do you?

Chicken satay, you filthy evildoers?

We've got strawberry margaritas.
Who wants to get bombed?

This is brilliant!
Or should I say "Shock and Awesome"?

"Shock and..."
Sorry, girls. He's taken.

Francine, what the hell are you doing?
No fraternising!

- Can this guy sell sadistic nutjob or what?
- All right, that does it.

Mr Smith? I was down at the transformer
that caused the blackout, and found this.

A clue! And there's a name tag. Now all
we have to do is find this Stan Smith, and...

Wait a minute. That's impossible!

Unless somehow
they brainwashed me to do their bidding!

Good God! I'm the terrorist!

- Have you lost your mind?
- It's the only logical explanation.

Hayley, grab the jumper cables.
I have a prisoner to interrogate.

A patriot and a terrorist are going in there,
and only one of us is coming out.

- So authentic. I love a man that can commit.
- Not this again!

I told you, as soon as my father dies,
I will wear the ring.

Stop! I'm not a terrorist!
I can't even grow a beard!

Please! I have a family!

- To new friends.
- You guys, I have a confession to make.

This wasn't a theme party.
I was just covering for Stan.

We know.
We've encountered people like him before.

- You have?
- Oh, sure.

I gotta say, even though Stan's
a suspicious, xenophobic vigilante,

he's still a hundred times better
than our last neighbours.

They were black.

Stan, there's a party going on.
Can't you take a break?

- Not until I crack!
- Stan, hold it.

I know I've been giving you a hard time
for scaring away all my friends.

But I've got to say,
this is the greatest party I've ever thrown.

And I have you to thank for it.

I know it's not easy,
being married to a CIA man.

It's got its advantages.
But let's make a deal.

From now on, you protect the world
from terrorists,

and I'll protect the neighbourhood from you.

- Here's our hosts! Smile, you two.
- No, no! I look terrible!

That's my guy.