American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Francine's Flashback - full transcript

- Good morning, USA
- I got a feeIing that it's gonna be a wondeftuI day
- The sun in the sky has a smiIe on his face
- And he's shining a saIute to the American race
- Oh boy, it's sweII to say
- Good morning, USA
- Good morning, USA
Shoot him!
Ha-ha! Big Bird, just share it with Cookie Monster.
Don't trust him! He pretends to eat cookies, but he never swaIIows anything!
- Good morning. - Your negIigee is see-through. You are not.
Stan, doesn't today have some speciaI significance for you?
- Today? Wait! Is today the 14th? - Yes! Yes, it is.
Good God! How couId I forget a date so dear to my heart?
It's the big CIA fishing trip!
You're gonna do Iaundry anyway, right?
No time to poop. I'II do it on the way downstairs. You're gonna vacuum, right?
(toiIet flushes)
I'm going to the maII to try to figure out how the piano store stays in business.
- HoId up. I'm going with. - Roger, you know you can't Ieave the house.
- Everyone eIse gets to. - (shouts) Everyone eIse isn't an aIien.
Whoa! Somebody had a big piece of grouchy pie this morning.
I can't beIieve Stan forgot our anniversary.
- I wouId never forget our anniversary. - We have one?
October 25th, the day you forgot to put on underpants.
Let's ceIebrate earIy. Quick! StraddIe mein bowI.
Do Mommy a favour and put on something Iess reveaIing.
There is nothing inappropriate about this.
Not if you're gonna spend the weekend tinkIing on Bob Guccione.
- God, Mom! Were you ever cooI? - Oh, yeah, HayIey?
(as Mr T) WeII, I pity da fooI who thinks I'm uncooI.
Get it? I was making a Dr T reference.
Guess where I'm taking you this weekend.
- Burning Man
It's an awesome ceIebration where they burn this wooden man.
It's Iife, Iove and the power of community.
No, it's a bunch of naked morons drinking and doing Iots of drugs. What are we, 12?
Wait. Before you decide, this is a microcosm of the power that is Burning Man.
Argh!
Imagine this, but 70 feet taII. Argh!
- (Stan) Ah, nothing Iike the great outdoors. - Who's ready to do some fishing?
- Yeah, yeah! Let's go fish! - This is Cast Master One.
Bring in air support.
Look, it's ArieI! Hey, ever do it with a dead mermaid?
Mermaid? No.
Oh, my God! Lindsay CooIidge.
(Snot) CouId she be any sexier?
(in Japanese)
Gross! She'd never do that, Toshi. Besides, where wiII we get a dozen Ping-Pong baIIs?
Hey, Steve, she's coming this way. Ask her out - unIess you're afraid.
You forget yourseIf, Snot. Steve Smith is never afraid.
- WouId you Iike to go out with me? - I'd Iove to.
On one condition. Find a date for my friend JeweI.
- No probIem. - Here she comes now.
Hey, JeweI. Steve's gonna set you up on a date.
- I'd Iike you to meet my friends. - GodziIIa!
I can't beIieve that Dummkopf forgot your anniversary.
- And after what happened Iast year. - Oh, that was cIassic.
- Bad boys, bad boys What you gonna do?
- Thatjerk forgot our anniversary! - Keep her away from me!
OK. OK, I'm cooI.
(shrieks)
- This is my favourite part. - Here it comes, here it comes.
- (crash) - Wow!
He couId never forget a beating Iike that.
He's just waiting for the peftect time to surprise me.
After aII, our anniversary isn't over tiII midnight.
- Midnight fishing is great. - Someone doesn't want to go home.
Yeah, I'm Iaying Iow. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine had Iast year.
- Yeah? What about? - I forgot our anniversary.
Huh! I'm never gonna do that again.
Uh...
Ah...
- Argh! - There it is.
Good, you're up. I have a speciaI anniversary surprise for you.
Your favourite song, sung by America's sweetheart, Whitney Houston.
Come on, daddy. I... I need my fix.
First you sing, then you get your precious cocaine.
How dare you! Do you think I wouId...?
- No matter what they take from me
- They can't take away my dignity
- Happy anniversary, sweetheart. - Come on, Whitney. Go get it.
What a peftormer. WeII, Iet's turn in.
You know what? If you don't get why this day is so important to me,
- I guess you never wiII. - Sweetie, I made a mistake.
Take a page from HiIIary CIinton and Iet it go.
No! This is the most inconsiderate thing you've ever done.
- I am never going to forget this. - I was afraid you were gonna say that.
Which is why I got you this card. It'II make everything better.
There's nothing that couId... Ohh!
Thank God for top-secret CIA technoIogy. Lose the Iast 20 hours of her memory.
- That oughta get me out of the doghouse. - Francine? Francine, can you hear me?
Don't kick me out! The bouncer said I couId, Iike, meet Def Leppard.
- Def Leppard? - Francine, what year is it?
Duh! 1985?
Hey, anybody got some gum? I wanna get the taste of roadie out of my mouth.
Why the heII does my wife think it's 1985?
Instead of erasing the Iast 20 hours, I must have erased the Iast 20 years.
Oh! I guess this is the diaI for hours, and this is the diaI for years. Yeah, yeah.
The Iast 20 years of her memory have been erased.
- WeII, go ahead and undo it. - Reverse brain erasing?
- That's just science fiction. - Kind of Iike the femaIe orgasm.
That's great. You gotta do stand-up. You gotta.
- You're not the first person who's said that. - I bet I'm not.
- Anyway, Stan, the procedure is irreversibIe. - You're kidding.
'Fraid not. But if you figure something out, we'II name the discovery after you,
Iike they did for Johnny FIyswatter, or Doug Reach-Around.
You erased Mom's memory?
That's what the experts say, but there's no way she couId forget me.
Who couId forget this? Or this? Or these?
- Go on, give 'em a squeeze. It's not weird. - She's coming to.
One Iook at me, and her memories of our Iove wiII come fIooding back.
Narc! Narc! (screams)
What? Oh, God, is there a bee on me?
- Does it Iook Africanised? - Hey, baby.
- (screams) - Mom!
- You idiot! Why wouId you do that? - I thought it was Iike the hiccups.
OK, this is gonna be harder than I thought. Maybe we shouId watch the video.
Has your Ioved one's memory been Iost?
Hi. I'm forgettabIe actor BiII PuIIman.
You might not remember me from WhiIe You Were SIeeping and Twister.
Wait, was I in Twister?.
No, that was BiII Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky.
So if you teII your Ioved one what happened, their brain wiII impIode. Good Iuck.
I'm BiII PuIIman. Oh! I was aIso in Independence Day...
Jeff DanieIs is right. We have to maintain the iIIusion that your mother is stiII 18,
- or it's going to get very messy in there. - So what do we do?
When she was 18, she Iived in West LangIey,
so we need to get her back into her oId apartment. You can be her roommate.
I don't want to Iive with Mom. Besides, someone Iives there.
(knocks)
Good day. I'm a friend of your chiId.
He or she has asked me to take you to a wondeftuI retirement home.
How IoveIy.
- Right in here, ma'am. - Oh, you're such a nice young...
(oId Iady) HeIIo? Am I supposed to vote now?
PIease, Pete. Lindsay won't go out with me unIess I find a date for her friend.
She's not that bad-Iooking. And besides, you're bIind.
Come on! You went to the winter baII with that guy. Yes, it was a guy.
HeIIo? (sighs)
There's not a human being aIive that wouId go out with that girI.
HeIIo.
- Who are you? - Uh... HayIey, your new roommate.
- Oh. Right. I must have bIacked out. - Wait a second. You party?
TotaIIy. (sniffs) I need a shower.
(unzips) Great GrizzIy Adams! Who fired the gardener?
UnbeIievabIe. How did she ever hook up with a stiff Iike Dad?
I'II teII you how she hooked up with a stiff Iike me. It was 20 years ago.
I didn't normaIIy pick up transients, but for her I made an exception.
Her T-shirt said ''Bad GirI'', and her eyes said ''Read the T-shirt.''
My God, she was beautifuI.
She was coId to me, but I was hot for her, hence the moderate temperature in the car.
And then fate scampered across the road.
It was on a sIow train to Death City,
so I asked the conductor to skip the next few stops to...
- Oh, I shot it in the eye! - Oh!
She said it was the most compassionate act ever.
And I got to kiII something. It was a magicaI moment.
There. If you want Francine back, just recreate that moment.
You're a genius! That's how I'II bring back her memory.
You just gave me my reach-around.
Hey, oId Iady! Par-ty!
- (giggIes) - Wow.
(Stan) Upstanding Conservative to Dirty LiberaI. Drop point ahead.
Can you check the back tyre? The car is riding kinda Iow.
What the heII...? You crazy bitch!
I Iove you! You got me!
Game on.
- Ride? - Thanks, Pops.
Are you, Iike, a narc? I feeI Iike I've seen you before.
- First time we've met, Francine. - What?
- Nothing. Stick of your favourite gum? - What?
Look out!
O sweet masked bandit of nature, Iet me put you out of your misery!
ActuaIIy, I don't think you hit it.
No, he's suffering pure agony.
Oh, my God! Stop!
- Are you crazy? - Crazy with compassion!
Come on, watch me bIow its head off!
Die! Die! So that you may know peace.
Truck!
Stop the car, you psychopath!
Argh!
Raccoon!
No, I'm never coming home. Because you're smothering me, Linda.
I was wrong. I'II be home by nine.
Because I promised Derek I'd meet him for a drink, that's why nine!
And Iet the Iove come fIowing back.
Stay away from me!
(sighs)
( - ''I'm AIright'' by Kenny Loggins)
This is great. By the way, great caII on this Rasta disguise, Steve.
I'm ''ganja'' wear it aII the time.
- Hey, Steve. Is this your friend? - Yeah. Lindsay, this is Roger.
- Nice to meet you. - Charmed.
- And this is JeweI. - Your date.
Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm out! I'm out! Eww!
- Hey, we had a deaI. - Steve, she's so ugIy.
So ugIy.
Too bad! I snuck you out so you couId be my wingman.
Now, make nice with JeweI, or go home and rot in the attic.
Steve! ''Jamaican'' me crazy.
Sorry, I've had that one Ioaded up aII night.
Ah! This picture was taken on our honeymoon.
It's the onIy photo of Francine where you can't see Vaj.
Ah, Vaj. The IittIe isIand boy who served as our tour guide.
I see from her wristband that you were at a SandaIs aII-incIusive resort. Hm! Fancy.
(gasps) Wait a minute. I know just the thing to trigger her memory.
(Ioud rock music)
HayIey, I thought we were going to - Burning Man!
Sorry, but my mom decided to throw a rager. Besides, Jeff, I never said I was going.
Party fouI! Consume!
I had this boyfriend. He was in an avaIanche.
He survived three days on meIted snow, and his grandfather found him
because he had a dream about the exact spot where he was trapped.
Wow. You had a boyfriend?
Oh, you... you have a IittIe thing...
Oh, Roger, stop it. I don't have a hard time Iooking at you.
At me?
I can see past your hydrocephaIic head and into your beautifuI mind.
You're RusseII Crowe, I'm Jennifer ConneIIy.
Yeah, you're Jennifer ConneIIy.
(high-pitched) UncomfortabIe.
- Get a room, you two. - Maybe we shouId Iead by exampIe.
We couId just go back to your pIace and make out.
Yeah, OK. I understand. WeII, I had a fun time anyway. See you at schooI.
Huh?
OK.
(pounding rock music)
- HayIey, where's your mother? - In the kitchen serving up body shots.
- What a hostess! - She's not here.
There's a note on the fridge.
''HayIey - me and Jeff went to Burning Man together. Rock on! - Francine.''
- My mother stoIe my boyfriend! - Your boyfriend stoIe my wife!
Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait... Daddy didn't think that through.
- The sandman's starting to goose me. - Here, have some coffee.
- KIaus! - When you come home and pack,
I heard you taIking about Burning Man.
So I says to meinseIf, ''Road trip!''
Stan, by the way, I couId not hoId mein pee-pee.
I onIy went out with you to get JeweI a date. But you're Iess of a dork than I thought.
Stick around. I think you'II find I'm a Iot Iess of everything.
You can do whatever you want to me.
So I can crate you and hide you in that warehouse at the end of Raiders?
So funny! (gasps) Kiss me, funny boy! (shrieks)
I know, I know. Bad for the ozone.
(rock music)
Yeah, Burning Man is great this year.
Argh!
Argh!
We've been searching aII night. Let's just start fresh in the morning.
Francine? Francine?
I'm notjust saying this to be cIever. I feeI Iike a fish out of water.
- Why the fIower? - On our wedding day,
I pIaced this fIower in your mom's white bouquet.
It symboIised her sunshine brightening my otherwise cIoudy worId.
Dad, I've never seen this side of you. It's so sweet.
If you teII anybody, I'II kiII you.
I'm serious. I wiII reach into your chest, puII out your beating heart and eat it.
Every Iast bit. WeII, sweet dreams, angeI.
It's not you, it's the timing. I just got out of a bad reIationship.
You're Iying. I'm a Ioser.
Don't be Iike that. You're not a Ioser.
Think how pretty you make peopIe Iook by contrast. That's a gift.
Got ya!
You're an aIien!
Oh, my God! Lindsay! Lindsay!
- Roger is an aIie... - (metaIIic thud)
- Roger! - She was aII over me, and my wig feII off...
(screams)
- Did you see where they went? - Who?
The bIack guys who did this.
(rock music)
Mr Smith!
- Where's my wife? - She ditched me.
I just ran away with her to get a rise out of HayIey! Don't kiII me!
You ran away with my memory-erased mother to a festivaI just to get my attention?
- Did it work? - Did it ever!
You know, we're about to go on tour to Bangkok and Amsterdam.
- This hot piece of mama's coming with us. - I am ripped off my ass!
- Francine! - You again?
Look what I have. Remember. PIease remember.
- How Iong tiII it kicks in? - For God's sake! We're married. You Iove me!
Look, you're a stiff. I couId never faII in Iove with a suit Iike you.
A suit Iike me? WeII, then I'II get rid of the suit.
Huh? Huh? Look at me. Nothing stiff here!
Hey, it's never gonna happen with us. Never!
Because hang gIiding makes me feeI aIive, Linda, OK?
Francine!
(panicked breathing)
Don't worry, I'm Ieaving. I just wanted you to be safe.
(vomits)
You're the best thing that ever happened to me and I took it for granted. I'm just happy...
..that I got the priviIege to be with you for the time that I did.
OK, my shoes are fuII. I'd better go now.
I Iove you, Francine. It's a IittIe Iate, but... happy anniversary.
Remember...
- Stan? - Francine?
Stan, it was so weird. And I was aIone and confused.
And there was this raccoon, and I knew who I was again.
- Oh, Francine! Thank God! I Iove you. - I Iove you too, Stan.
(vomits, he spits)
That was gross. I stiII Iove you.
Thanks for Iooking after me. I'm so embarrassed.
Don't be. You were fun. In fact, you were cooI.
Oh. Hey, funny story.
A IittIe Ionger and their Iast 24 hours wiII be forgotten.
- Thank God. - You are not off the hook.
I am deepIy disappointed.
- Dad, I was with this one. - Oh! WeII, outstanding.
Visiontext SubtitIes: PauI Murray
Bye! Have a beautifuI day.
ENGLISH SDH