American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Helping Handis - full transcript

American Dad
"Helping Hands"

Subtitle : Fogia
Transcript : Raceman

Our next film
is by Hayley Smith.

Thank you.

This film was
inspired by my mother.

Okay, sit down.
Don't milk it, Tracey Ullman.

History has been studded
with great women...

Women who've had
a profound effect on the world.

Then there's my mother...

Why waste money?

A simple blanket-stitch
makes old socks new again.



Mom can't tell you
who her Congressman is,

but she does know this:

Never throw away old shower caps.
Use them to cover casseroles.

How humiliating.

Hayley made me look
like a total idiot.

Honey, you're not a total idiot.

I mean, you got the point
of the film, right?

What the...?

A raging teenage house party?!
In our neighborhood?!

Steve, I can't believe
you're here!

The Schwartzsteins'
house is goin' off!

It's like a damn Ludicris video:

Pimp cups, shorties.
It's all crunked out!

We're quantifying the molecular...



Steve, if you're ever gonna
crawl out of this geek swamp,

you gotta log some face time
with the cool kids.

Now, get going.

I'd ditch Fatty and Dim Sum on the way
there. They're gonna blow the ratio.

Her film made me look like a boring
housewife who's only good at cleaning.

- Oh, that is an outrage!
- Thank you, Roger.

You're a terrible cleaner.
Look at this place, it's filthy!

Yeah, that's a big,
dirty "S" for schmutz.

My film was the biggest hit
in Groff Community College history.

I got a check-plus-plus.
That's like a "C" at Arizona State!

Hayley, did you ever consider that your
film might make my life look, well...

Worthless?

Come on, Mom, women are doing
bold, exciting things and you're...

What? The HMS Cucumber declares war
on poor nutrition!

Admiral Egg spots hunger
off the starboard bow.

He's launching
baby-corn torpedoes.

Open...

Oh, oh, ew!
Eww! Look at this.

Eight years of dead bugs.
You disgust me.

Now, hold the ladder,
I want to come down.

What do you think Steve's
doing at the party?

Probably chillin', drinking
a Mickey's, eating Ruffles,

debating, whether or not to hook up
with that black chick.

Do it, Steve.

Do it for both of us.

Did you go to a lot of parties
when you were in high school?

What? Uh, uh, uh, yeah.
Oh, oh, a lotta parties.

Delivery for the popular party.

Is that you, Smith?

I told you no losers.

I'm in the party!
I'm in the party!

Stop him!

I'm so wasted!

Slut!

I don't know what to do.

Keep the baby.
Life begins at conception.

Yeah, I was pretty popular.

Hey! How was the party?

They gave me and Snot swirlies,
threw Toshi in the trash,

and used Barry's fat folds
to open their beers.

I'm gonna make a necklace!

Mr. S, those parties aren't for guys
like us. They're for jocks.

Jocks, huh?

Come on, Coach!
I didn't pay you to not play my son!

Scared he's gonna be too good?

30 years of smoking
and I'm still alive.

Smith! You're in!

- Hear that? This is your chance!
- Yay! This is my chance!

Sorry about my unusually
thick tongue.

He forgot to stretch,
that's all.

Just, uh, needs
to walk it off.

Thirsty much?

Dude, did you just hear
what Vince Chung said?

Yeah, he's so cool and popular
you forget he's Asian.

Hi, I got your exclusive invitation
under my windshield wiper.

My daughter doesn't respect me, so...

I'm here to change my life.

Well, then, welcome.

We take you the legally
required 67 miles offshore,

where the international laws
of the Internet apply,

and certify you in the career
of your choice.

- Ooh, surgeon sounds fun.
- Excellent.

Now, that comes with your choice
of a specialty... heart or brain...

And a Dr Bearington.

His specialty is hugs.

Oh, good you're not
touching yourself.

Son,

I know a way we can make you a better
athlete and get you in with the cool kids.

Really? How?

Well, we could embark on a strict
three-year training program,

where we'd spend lots of time together,
bonding as father and son.

- Oh, I'd like that.
- Yeah, me neither.

That's why you should
take these steroids.

The CIA lab tech is on vacation
and I have spare keys to his office .

In case of a fire drill, I'm floor
monitor. It's complicated

Anyway, I managed to get my hands
on this top-of-the-line,

largely untested
performance enhancer.

Dad, face it.

I'm never going to be popular
like Vince Chung.

Don't say that!
Don't ever say that!

Don't you see, son?
Everything's better when you're popular.

Colors are brighter,
jeans fit snugger.

Look, you know how when you put a piece
of Juicy Fruit in your mouth

and, for the first five seconds,
it tastes so sweet and perfect?

Like someone sprayed a little
miracle on your tongue?

Well, that's what being popular
is like, but all the time.

Piece of Juicy...

Oh, my God.
H-h-have to sit down.

I never had it,
Steve, but you can.

- I want it!
- Then take it!

I will!
Then grab it!

I shall!

Oh, I see today you're making tea.
Well, today, I became a surgeon.

My diploma.

This is printed on the back
of a Chinese take-out menu.

You've clearly
been scammed, Mom.

Doctor!

I didn't go to school for 12 hours
to be called "Mom"!

- Feet, please.
- Thanks, Francine.

No, it's me, Roger. I'm finally
taking charge of this pig sty.

Now, I'm going upstairs
to clean behind the bookshelf.

Yes, Stan, there's
a "behind the bookshelf."

I told you, Francine,
it's too expensive.

Damn your experimental steroids!

It's okay, son.

You're experiencing a perfectly
natural side effect called 'roid rage.

Oh, I'm experiencing
a side effect all right.

I have boobs!

- Oh, my God!
- I know

Talk about a butter-face.

Let's not panic.

The CIA scientist gets back
from vacation in a few days.

So until I get the antidote,

we just have to keep your
magnificent ta-tas under wraps.

What am I supposed to do now?

Strap 'em down
with these Ace bandages.

It's what Hilary Swank used to hide
her breasts in Boys Don't Cry.

You know, that movie where
she got what she deserved?

An Oscar!

And brutally sodomized.

Dad!

In a review by Derek Simms
of the Detroit Free Press!

Steve, is this really the time for
show biz trivia? You've got breasts!

Wow. Good thing
I didn't wear my fake doctor's jacket.

That would've been awkward.

I'll have you know this is
a real doctor's jacket.

I have an interview
at a real hospital,

where I'm gonna get hired
and do real doctor stuff.

Stuff like...

Stethoscoping.

Medicine-type things.

Thermometer!

I taught myself the toilet.

Oh, my God,
the heat is killing me!

I just need air for a second!

- Uh, Steve, right?
- Uh... yeah?

- Killer jugs.
- Oh. Uh...

- Thanks, Vince Chung.
- No prob.

Up top!

Bwaaaaaaaaaaah!
Oh, yeahhhh!

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Oh!

Yeah, this degree
is a complete joke.

No one will ever hire you.

But you just said "Oh"
like you were impressed.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

We need help!
Our friend is hurt!

- Oh, the entrance is right over...
- We don't have insurance.

Please, doctor,
he could die!

Doctor...

Steve! Thank God.
How'd it go at school?

- Did anyone notice your man-melons?
- Uh, no.

I kept them hidden,
like you said.

Hey, pal!

Ready to work on our
science fair project?

Totally, I got
a great idea for...

Hey, Steve! We're going
to the river. Hop in!

That's Vince freaking Chung!
What's he want with you?

Oh, um, we...

We started talking
in the hall today.

I guess those steroids must
have increased my confidence.

That's fantastic!
You have to go with them.

But we're behind on our
project for the science fair.

How do I say this nicely?

Loser! Loser! Loser!

- Dad!
- I'm kidding. Not kidding!

Have fun at the river,
Juicy Fruit.

Just remember to keep
those bad boys under wraps.

I will, Dad.

That is refreshing.

I'm glad you guys
talked me into taking a dip.

Aren't you coming in?

Nah, looks like the
water's kinda cold.

But why don't you show us how
Flipper swims backwards again?

Oh, okay.

There. A simple blanket stitch
and the arm is as good as new.

That was amazing, Dr. Smith.
Let me introduce everyone.

You know Blind Jimmy.
I'm Johnny Four-Legs.

These are the twins :
Large Monty...

- Hey, how you doin'?
- ...and Little Tex.

Howdy.

And that's Deaf Teddy.
We call him Wheels.

But it don't really matter what
we call him, 'cause he's deaf.

- Ain't that right, Melissa.
- Nice to meet you.

Francine, we want you to come work for our
organization, as our permanent physician.

Really?
What organization is that?

The Handicapped Mafia.

The what now?

The Handicapped Mafia.

I'm sorry.
I don't know what that is.

We operate within the handi-community,

picking the up the scraps the regular
Mafia don't got time for.

Forging handicapped placards,
rigging the Special Olympics,

the Para-Olympics,
women's golf...

We's not all
mobsters, ya know.

I'm a country-western singer.
Just cut my first demo.

It's called
"I Gotta Be Me...

And Some of Him."

So, Doc,
what do you say?

I don't know.

Handicapped Mafia...
It seems wrong.

I mean the Mafia part,
not the handicapped part.

I think it's great
you're handicapped.

Negotiations broke down with the...

Braille Institute.

- And they stabbed you?
- No.

My van crashed into a cutlery truck.

You got to help him, Doc.

And so we will.
Dr Bearington will assist.

By being so snuggly.

Stem, stem, seed, stem.

Damn it, Eddie,
I slept with you.

Oh, my God.

You're covered in blood.
What happened?

I can't tell you, but I'm
saving lives because...

that's what I do.

I can't just refuse a patient because
I find them morally reprehensible.

Damn it, Jim,
I'm a doctor!

Oh, it's work.

Tell your father
I'll be gone all night.

Man, these hours are brutal.

No wonder those doctors on Scrubs
don't have time to be funny.

I like Scrubs.

Wait, wait, back up. So you said "bonus"
and then Vince Chung laughed,

or Vince Chung laughed
and then you said "bonus"?

Dad, I think Mom might
have gone over the edge.

She just left, covered in blood, saying
she was goingto be working all night.

Working all night, huh?

Steve, this is the best
party I've ever thrown.

I mean, you've ever thrown.
We're finally popular.

What are you doing, you animals?
Feet on the couch? I just steam cleaned.

Salsa on the carpet?
But I vacuumed.

Coasters!

Oh, hey, guys.
Wha-what are you doing here?

We're supposed to work on
our science fair project, remember?

We're running out of time!

Uh... I can't.

I'm... uh, sick.

Awesome party, dude.
To Steve's continuing good health.

Whoo! Best popular party
of the year, huh?

Hey, has anyone seen Steve?

Hey, the party's moved upstairs.
Little migration action.

I love how that happens.
Keeps it fresh.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

- My son's a slut.
- I just made that bed.

Shame, shame on you.

How can you just use him like that?
He's a person, not a girl.

What'd you do that for?
I'm finally popular, like we wanted.

You're not popular, you're easy.

Maybe my girls opened the door,
but I'm the one who walked through it.

They like me for me.

You are not leaving this house
until those milk monsters are gone.

Vince Chung invited me
to his party tomorrow night

- and you can't stop me.
- Oh, yeah?

Just so you know,
I had the shot.

Look at this.

First National Bank is collecting
donations for orphans.

Oh, I'd love to steal that money right out
from under those damn greedy orphans!

- Thank you.
- Well, it was getting pretty awkward.

So I got your message.

What are you doing?!

This gentleman here didn't want
to sell us the short buses at cost.

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

I became a surgeon
so my daughter would respect me.

And now I don't even
respect myself.

Sorry, toots, you know too much
about our organization.

Once you're in,
there's no way out.

But I took that lamp
off your brace.

Oh, ow!
Let go of me!

- Hayley, what are you doing here?
- I was worried.

You were acting so crazy.
So I followed you.

Good news, Steve. I got the boob
antidote from the CIA.

He's gone!

I bet he's going to
Vince Chung's inscrutable party.

I have to make him understand
they're just using him.

I've got to go save my son.

I've got to go save my son.

I've got...

to go save...

my son.

Yep, that one's it.
I've got... to go save... my son.

Where are you taking us?

A place where we like
to dump dead bodies.

Spent the whole night
drinkin'...

What rhymes with "drinkin'"?
Thinkin'?

Uh-huh.Yeah, that's good.
I gotta write that down.

Get ready, fellas.
We're almost there.

Fine, you can kill us.

I just thought you were
better than this.

What are you
babbling about?

I mean wasting your time on some
small-time housewife and her daughter.

Taking the scraps
the real mafia leaves behind.

You better have
a point, lady.

You aren't living up
to your potential.

Neither was I until
I saw my daughter's movie.

So I made more of my life,
and so can you.

Four-Legs, you said you wanted to steal
that orphan money from First National.

- Why not do it?
- Mom!

Are you kidding?
That bank is a fortress.

Plus it's not handi-accessible.

You can pull it off.
What do you say?

To First National Bank.

You're not second-class
citizens.

You deserve the same recognition
and fame as everyone else.

You can do anything you want.

You can demand respect.
You are handi-capable.

Yeah!

Don't die on me, damn it.
I got a gig at Hootenanny's in an hour.

That's that, then.

So he attack-rolled a D-20.
Luckily I had armor class zero.

So I didn't lose
any hit points.

Hey, fellas, killer party

So you got a band, a couple of kegs?
Righteous, righteous.

Dad, what are you doing?

I gave myself a triple dose of steroids
so you'd see I was telling the truth.

Boys this age are only
interested in one thing.

Oops. Boobs fell in the punch.

No, no, you guys
are my friends.

Steve, I think there's some
more soda in the basement.

Why don't you go count it.

Don't worry, son,
they're not getting any.

Your old man's just a tease.

So that whole time you knew
they were going to fail?

Are you kidding? That bank had
to have at least a hundred steps.

- Sorry I underestimated you, Mom.
- Thanks, honey.

- What the hell...?
- No problem. Got it under control.

Roger, what
are you doing?

- Is that gasoline?!
- Mm-hmm.

Windex is just a Band-Aid.
I realize that now.

There's only one way to win
the war on dirt in this house.

You were right, Dad.
The guys only liked me for my body.

Hey, you're a smart boy,

with a lot more to offer than just
a nice pair of meat balloons.

I'm sorry I pushed you to be popular.

I just wanted you to have a better time
in high school than I did.

But I was already having
a good time with my friends.

Yeah, I guess you were.
Those loser dorks are okay.

- Thanks, Dad.
- Breadsticks, courtesy of table four.

Thanks, fellas, thank you.
Wave to the nice men, Steve.

Not too eager, son.
They just bought us bread,

they didn't let us take
the Jag out for a spin.

Def Leppard playing
"Pour Some Sugar On Me"

Pour some sugar on me

Ooh, in the name of love

Pour some sugar on me

C'mon fire me up

Pour some sugar on me...