American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 20 - Roger 'n' Me - full transcript

##[Marching Band]

## [ Singing ]

## [ Continues ]

## [ Chorus Singing]

## [ TV Theme ]

## [ Ends ]

[ Chuckling ]
Okay, Frank.

Let's see how well you know
your buddy Dennis.

What is his favorite wattage oflightbulb?

- Seventy-five?
- Ooh, sorry. The answeris 6.0.

Seventy-five?
What the hell?



That clip was provided by the fun,
new game show, Best Buddiez!

That's right, Greg. And next week,
Best Buddiez! is taping right here...

in Langley Falls
with a grand prize of $200,000.

And your favorite anchor-partners
are gonna be contestants.

Because, after all, we are just buddies,
according to the government.

And Terry's father.

I need a best buddy.

All right!
I'm packed and ready to party.

Party time! Enjoyyour last look at my ass
'cause I'm gonna party it off.

I'm going to my best friend Bobo Peterson's
bachelor party in Atlantic City.

[ Gasps ] You got a best buddy?
Can I be your second best buddy?

Let's see. How do I hang
an air freshener on this?

You are a total waste of space.
I often dream ofkilling you.

[ Inhales ]
Ah, mountain pine.



Oh, I almost forgot
Bobo's gag gift.

Ach, Gott.
Is little Rogie gonna cry?

Because ifyou are, I'll put on
some Edie Brickell and join you.

Oh, good. Stan hasn't left
for the bachelor party.

Just want to put a few things
in his suitcase.

Ourwedding photo.
Steve's first pinecone turkey.

A pamphlet on full-blown AI DS.

Stan might be
an insensitive feelings-hurter...

but he'd never cheat on you.

It's not Stan I'm worried about.

It's the female "entertainment"
I don't trust.

Men throw a little cash at 'em,
they'll do anything.

Then sometimes, when you're
on the floorwith another girl...

guys will throw money,
then pick it up...

and throw the same singles
out there again.

Like I'm an idiot.
Like I don't have peripheral vision?

Hey, ifyou want, I could go along
and keep an eye on Stan.

It'd be the perfect chance
for us to bond.

Come on, Roger.
He'd never let you go.

Oh, I can be very persuasive.

Surprise!

Look in your heart!
I'm praying to you.

[ Sobbing ]
Look in your heart.

You can't do this.
It's not right!

It's a wrong situation.
I-I couldn't help it. It's my nature.

Somebody hands me an angle,
I play it.

I don't deserve to die for that.

Doyou think I do?

This is not us. This is some hop dream.
I'm praying toyou.

I can't die!

I can't die out here
in thewoods!

What the hell
areyou talking about?

It's from myfavorite movie,
Miller's Crossing.

Bravo,Joel and Ethan Coen.

I mean, there are
some proud parents, huh?

- Some nachas for the Coens?
- [ Groans ]

Hurry up.
That's the fifth pairyou've tried on.

I want to see howmyboygoods
look inyellow.

Oh, yeah!
Sold and... sold.

Hey, Trudy.

- Oh. Hi-
- It's Steve.

I spend a lot of time
by the senior lockers staring at you.

Oh, well,
it's nice bumping intoyou.

I'm gonna wear these out.

You go to Georgetown?

I'm a woman's studies major
at GroffCommunity College.

I know Groff. That's the school
my retarded cousin took classes at.

- I'm Hayley.
- I'm Miles.

You know,
maybe we could go out some-

[ Kissing ]

Well, nice meeting you.

Did you see that?
Miles and I had a total connection.

Yeah.
So did me and Trudy.

Miles would be so much
happierwith me.

What doyou saywe give 'em
a little nudge towards happiness?

You mean, break them up?

- Mm-hmm. For their own good.
- For their own good.

Bachelor party!
Let's kill some hookers!

[ All Gasp ]

Bobo, you crazy
old herpes spreader!

There's Lieutenant Herpes.
Heh!

Or is it Captain Herpes now?
[ Laughing ]

Stan, I haven't seen you since college.
What are you doing here?

What doyou mean? I'm here for my best
friend's bachelor party.

- I gotyour Evite.
- Oh. My secretary must have
accidentally sent that.

Accidentally sent- Get outta here,
you crazy old herpes spreader!

- Will you please stop calling me that?
- Oh, I gotyou a present.

It's an Asian sex doll.
Huh, remember in college?

You were always talking about
climbing the GreatWall ofVagina?

- [ Laughing ]
- Uh, Stan...

this is myfuture father-in-law,
Reverend Hideki Obayashi.

Ohhh.

- [ Squeaks ]
- I don't understand.

I thought Bobo and I were friends.

How could someone
have changed so much in 22 years?

Come on, Stan-
I mean, Mr. Moskowitz.

You and I can still do it up.

Cheer up, Stan.
Hey, watch this.

So, uh, driver,
you been doin' this for a long time?

Actually, mywife and I
just moved out here-

There he is!
Hey, watch this, watch this.

Thinkwe can get two?

Sorry. My finger hit the button by accident.
What wereyou saying?

Oh, that's okay.

I was saying when mywife and I
first moved out here-

[ Laughing ]

## [Man Singing Rock]

[ Squeaking ]

- [ All Cheering ]
- ## [ Continues ]

## [Man Vocalizing, Ends ]

- Were you able to sneak into Miles's locker?
- Piece of cake.

This isn't my earring.
How'd it get in your back pocket?

I- I don't know.

The seeds of mistrust
have been sown.

This is so nice.

[ Slurring ] Y-You know, we should-
we should buy this place.

[ Slurring ] Oh, we-
we should totally buy this place.

B-But let's not just say it.

No, no, we're gonna do it.
Absolutely.

I'll- I'll move some things around.

Your turn.

- Are they on?
- You gotta turn itpast 20!

Cold, cold, cold,
cold, cold, cold, cold!

- Warm!
- Who needs Bobo?

This is the-
This is the greatest, best night ever.

Hey, thanks for cheering me up.
You're a-You're a real pal.

Really?
You mean we're... buddies?

A-Areyou kidding?
Hey, we're best buddies.

Best bud- Oh, my God.
I need a-anotherTecate.

Hand me-
Hand me a Tecate.

To best buds, b-by Earth standards.

Wh-Why doyou- [ Burps ]
Why doyou have to qualify it like that?

No, it's great.
I-It's just on my planet...

best buds have a ritual
where theyjust really connect.

Well, w-we connect.

Yeah, but I mean
there's this thing that we do...

and only best friends can do it,
and i-it bonds you for life.

Oh, let's do that!
How do we do that?

- It's kind of a probe thing.
- Whatever. Let's go!

Uh, I-I don't know. It might be
a little intense, you know.

In an instant, you know everything
about the other person.

I mean, it's like having
a thousand conversations at once.

[ Gulps ]
Do it to me!

Ah, I don't want to mess things up.

How would this mess things up?

It's only gonna make things better.

- You think so?
- I-I do. I really do.

Well-

Okay!
Let's do this.

[Stan ]
Whoa, wait. You know-

You know this maybe
a little too, uh- uh- Oh!

## [Stan Singing]

[ Groans ]

- [ Clattering ]
- Hi.

[ Yawns ]
What time is it?

Uh, I don't know.
Early.

[ Grunts ]
Dressed already? Where you goin'?

I was, uh, gonna-
gonna get some coffee.

Ooh, sounds like heaven.

I'm also a little "nibbly nib."
You wanna grab some brunch?

Uh, w-we should-
we should probablyjust head on home.

Can I, uh, have my shirt back?

Oh, boo. It's so comfy.

Tell you what. Why don't I
give it back toyou after I wash it?

[ Groans ]

You know, I-I got to admit,
I was nervous about goin' there last night.

Butyou were right.
We were totally ready.

Kinda like how you were
ready for sleepaway camp in third grade...

even though you cried
in the car all the way there.

How- How do you know that?

Well, I know all your memories now.
Just likeyou know all mine, right?

I don't know anything anymore.

Huh. You didn't get
any of my memories?

That's weird.
Must be an alien thing.

[ Sighs ]
Last nightwas spectacular.

- I am super glad we did that.
- [ Grunting ]

Don't fill up. I'm making
stuffed game hens for dinner.

Oh, Stan loves game hens.

Remember how Aunt Ida used to
make 'em foryou before the arthritis?

- No.
- Yes, you do. Kidder.

I didn't expectyou two
home so early.

Oh, Francine, it was fantastic.

Stan and I took our friendship
to a whole new-

Nothing happened! We went to
the bachelor party and then went to bed.

- No big whoop.
- No big... whoop?

I know it's silly, Stan,
but I was so worried...

you'd end up doing
something you'd regret.

Stan, how could you say
nothing special happened?

Because I just want
to forget about it, okay?

I was drunk, and I made a mistake,
and we're never gonna talk about it again.

- [ Gasps ]
- What areyou boys whispering about?

[ Shouting ]
Different types of sandwiches!

Hmm. Areyou sure
nothing happened last night?

I told you.
Nothing happened.

Yes. Nothing.

Excuse me.

Thankyou, Francine.
The sandwich was delicious.

- So, how are the kids?
- [Sobbing]

Now that the seeds
of mistrust are sprouting...

we must harvest them.

- [ Beeping, Ringing ]
- Hello?

Miss Lawrence,
just a few questions for a fitness survey.

Where doyou typicallywork out?

- At the gym.
- Good. And where is it located?

About three miles north ofhere.

- Afteryou work out, how do you relax?
- I get a massage.

And when your car's
not in drive, it's in?

- Park.
- And ifyou're from Brazil, you're?

You're Brazilian.
Look, is this a crank call?

- Hold, please.
- I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet-

- Did you get it?
- Got it.

- [ Ringing ]
- [Electronic Voice ] Please leave a message.

- [Trudy] Hello? Gym.
- Who's Jim?

I- can't- wait- to- massage-
your- Brazilian- crank.

Meet- me- at- three- at- the-

- ## [ Man Singing ]
- of- the- park.

I'm- leaving- Miles.

She m ust have dialed my num ber
by m istake.

She's cheating on me.

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Sobbing ]

Roger, what's going on with Stan?

He's been acting
very nervous and secretive.

You can add distant
and hurtful to that list.

Something happened
in Atlantic City, didn't it?

- No.
- Roger, look at me.

What happened in Atlantic City?

Why don'tyou askyour husband!

I'll thankyou to leave now.

- [ Ringing ]
- Stan Smith.

- [ Low Hissing ]
- Hello?

- [ Hissing Continues ]
- Roger, I know it's you. I can hearyour humidifier.

- [ Roger] Whatyou doin'?
- Stop calling me here!

We need to talk
about Atlantic City.

Francine's asking questions,
and I don't knowwhat to tell her.

Tell her nothing!
Look, I have work to do.

Don't hang up!
I will not be ignored, Stan.

I'll come down there. Oh, yeah, I'll come
down there, and I will make such a scene.

Okay, okay,just calm down.
Remember, I'm your buddy.

[ Shouting ]
Areyou? 'Causeyou're not acting like it!

Look, meet me in the parking lot
behind Big Buy.

And whateveryou do,
don't say anything to Francine.

Oh, I will find out
what happened in Atlantic City.

I guaranteeyou that!

- Ooh, can I help?
- How could you help? You're a fish.

Oh, okay.
Could you just press play...

on that boom box
on yourway out?

## [ Woman Singing ]

[ Sobbing ]

I'm assuming this is gonna go well,
so I got us hot wings.

There's $1 0,000 in this briefcase.

[ Gasps ]
We're buying that hotel!

- Oh, Staniel!
- Get offme!

The money's foryou
to get a new start somewhere.

You're paying me to go away?

You bastard!

[ Whining ]

You pushed me into this!

I told you it would ruin our friendship,
butyou said, "No, let's go. Do it to me."

So I gave myselftoyou.

Why the hell can'tyou
just let this go?

Becauseyou were my first.

[ Sobbing ]

I had no idea.

I wanted a buddy.
But now I neverwant to seeyou again.

- [ Sighs ]
- [ Engine Starts ]

You were supposed to come after me!

What? You crazy psycho bitch!
Leave me alone!

- This conversation isn't over!
- Yes, it is!

- [Tires Screeching]
- Trying to get rid of me? I'll kill us both!

- [ Thud ]
- What the hell was that?

[ Groans ]
I'm not hurt. It's a miracle!

I thinkyou're still on top ofit.
Back up.

[Thudding]

Oh, my God!
I hit Francine!

We should probably leave a note.

[ Beeping ]

Hello, I'm Doctor Gupta.

Yes, I'm a woman.
I supposeyou have a problem with that.

Uh, no.
Is mywife gonna be okay?

Areyou questioning
my competence?

No, I'm just concerned
about mywife.

Really?
'Cause the wayyou're looking at me...

it seems likeyou're concerned
with something else.

There.
Now can we move on?

When you ran overyourwife-
twice-

it caused her brain to detach
from her central nervous system.

She's what we in the medical profession
call a "husk."

- I've heard ofthat.
- We can reattach her brain...

but it's an experimental procedure
your insurance won't cover.

That's mywife.
I don't care how much it is, I'll pay it.

- It's $1 78,000.
- What ifl don't need her to talk?

There's Miles.
He thinks Trudy's meeting Brazilian Jim here.

And there's Trudy.
She thinks Miles is meeting Earring Girl.

They'll break upwith each other.
Then we'll swoop in and comfort them.

I'm sick ofyour lies!
Where's that Brazilian douche bag?

You're the liar!
Where's yourwhore?

I really think Miles and I
have a future.

Yeah, there's something
aboutTrudy's soul thatwarms me.

[ Grunts ]

- [ Screaming ]
- His face!

- Oh, my God!
- [ Screaming ]

- Her bod!
- [ Screaming ]

- I'm out.
- Yeah, me too.

How much for
the porcelain poodles?

$1 78,000.

I may be back.

Hey! What are Gypsy Rose Lee
and Mama Rose doin' here?

I'm selling them to raise money
for Francine's operation.

- Sell your own stuff!.
- Why should I? This is all your fault.

Oh, call offthe dogs.
I found the perfect piece foryour study.

- You've got to be kidding.
- What? You love Southwestern art.

No, I love pre-Columbian artifacts.

Ooh. The bag boy at Whole Foods isn't watching.
You don't have to show off.

Ifwe're gonna win on Best Buddiez! tonight,
you're gonna have to know me...

a hell of a lot better than that-
I want that $200,000.

Best Buddiez!
That's it!

What the hell
are we doing on this show?

We're doing this for Francine.
Remember?

I know everything aboutyou.

I'll answer a few questions,
and that grand prize is ours.

- [Drumroll]
- [Man On P.A.]Andnowhere'syourhosts...

America's favorite bosom buddies...

PeterScolari
and WendieJo Sperber.

[ Cheers, Applause ]

Welcome to Best Buddiez!...

where you can whore your knowledge
ofyour buddy for thousands of dollars.

First up, Langley Falls
local anchor-partners and best buddies...

- Greg and Terry.
- ## [Theme ]

She's a real estate agent
and former hand model.

He's a pirate-theme
children's literature critic.

Best buddies,
Barb Hanson and Cap'n Monty.

And finally, a C.I.A. agent
and a European recording star-

Oh, like they're gonna check.

- Best buddies, Stan and Roger.
- ## [Ends ]

Okay. Terry, what is
Greg's favorite appetizer?

Oh, that's easy.
It's potato skins.

No. It's wasabi tuna
in a raddicchio sauce.

Even I think that's gay.

## [Resumes ]

## [ Continues ]

## [Ends ]

We are kicking their ass!

And now it's time for...
the reversal round.

- Uh-oh.
- Wait. I have to answer questions about you?

- Why didn't you tell me this?
- I didn't know they had a second round.

Ten minutes ofthis crap
is usually all I can take.

##[Slow Latin ]

##[Ends ]

[WendieJo]Stan and Roger,
you're onlydown 10points.

Ifyou get this final question...

you'll win the game
and the money.

Stan, what is Roger's
favorite movie?

I- I have no idea.

Sure you do.
Look in your heart, Stan.

Oh, I've got it!

White Chicks.

Oh, Franiel! The doctor said there's no hope
of recoverywithout that operation.

I failed her.

Thanks for being here with me.

- You're a true friend.
- That's what I've been trying to tell you.

I guess I've been kind of a jerk.

Well, I can get a little needy.

Can we just pretend
all this never happened?

- All what never happened?
- You know, in theJacuzzi, when you-

Oh! Oh. You were pretending
like all this never happened.

You were already-
Okay. All right. I-I got it. I-I'm with you.

[ Sighs ]
Well, I guess it's time to call the kids...

and let them know
we've lost Mommy forever.

- Don't mind me. Woman in the room.
- [ Beeping ]

- Stan, wait!
- [ Beeps ]

What ifl performed the surgery?

What areyou talking about?
It's a highly specialized operation.

- You don't know how to do that.
- True, but, uh...

I'm a fast learner.

Roger, once again,
great job on that surgery.

Yeah, it was touch and go
there for a while.

But all's well that ends well.

- What's this one, Mom?
- [ Gibberish ]

That's right.
Ball.

Bye-bye. Seeyou soon.