American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 19 - It's Good to Be the Queen - full transcript

Because of a past incident at his own prom, where he was lured into a dance with the homecoming queen only to have a pile of pigs dropped on him, Stan wants revenge by showing off that he married a homecoming queen, Francine.

American Dad - episode 1x19
"It?s Good To Be Queen"

Synchro: Kemar - Fogia
Transcript : Raceman

Shawna, looking rad tonight.
Want to dance?

- Like, gag me.
- Grody.

Sheesh. Uptown girls.

Aw, come on guys, no wet willies.
I just Clearsiled my ears.

Smith, relax,
you look choice.

So choice that Stacy Stanton
wants to dance with you.

The homecoming queen?
I am so sure.

Hey, I was like, "No way," too, but
she's saving the spotlight dance for you.

The spotlight dance?



- It's all set, right?
- It's gonna be just like in Carrie.

Pigs? It was supposed
to be pig's blood.

- I didn't finish the book.
- You stopped reading after the word "pigs?"

That wasn't even the
end of the sentence.

You think you're so cool?

Well, in 20 years, I'm gonna come back
here with my own homecoming queen,

and we'll have our spotlight
dance, and I'll show you!

I'll show you, and you, and you!

- And you, and you, and you!
- Stan! Stan, wake up!

Huh? Oh, sorry,
must have zoned out.

You just shot Jackson
eight times!

Oh my God, Jackson. Hang on, buddy,
you're gonna make it!

- Hey, Stan, have you seen my double?
- Oh, Jackson, thank God.

- Yeah, I just shot him.
- Aw, man.



We were supposed to go on
a dangerous mission to Pakistan.

Hey, a human being just died here.
Show some respect.

Now, who had Jackson's double
in the death pool?

Eh, I had Markie Post.

Wait, is Markie Post dead?

Somebody Google Markie Post.

- Are we there yet?
- No.

- Are we there yet?
- No.

- Are we there yet?
- Stan, you're driving.

I'm just so damn excited about
this high school reunion, Francine.

Why? It's my reunion.

Well, we missed mine, remember?

It was already midnight before I realized
we were at an insurance convention.

Buck Wilson.

Now, there was a risk
management expert.

But, honey, I don't get it.
No one's gonna know you at my reunion.

They don't have to know me!
All they have to know is that I'm the guy,

dancing with the homecoming queen
under the spotlight.

And no pig showers.

Boy, whoever adopted this part of the
highway is really keeping it clean.

Thanks...

"Ku Klux Klan."

You know, before we fire off
your dad's mortar,

maybe we should read
the instruction manual.

Hey, if a five-year-old Palestinian
can figure it out, so can I.

Water in the hole!

Hey, if we got your dad's missile launcher,
I bet we could hit the house of the bully,

who went all Tom Sizemore
on your eye.

Oh, I wish I could get
that guy back.

I'd like to dress up like a girl
and make him have sex with me,

then say, "Ha! I'm not a girl!

You just had sex with a boy
who hates you!"

Yeah, let's keep that
plan between you, me,

and the string of therapists
who won't be able to help you.

Ooh-ooh, target,
twelve o'clock!

What's your deal, Bozo?
We're humiliating you.

I have no deal, friend,

because I know you soak not me,
but rather,

all those who have ever hurt you.

That's so... true.

We can at least take solace in the fact

that there was nothing
we could have done to prevent that.

Oh, my God, Francine!
you look exactly the same!

So do you, uh, uh...

That's okay, Francine, you don't have
to remember her name.

You were the homecoming queen.

Don't, Stan,
I'll look silly.

If by "silly" you mean beautiful,
then, yes, you do look silly.

Hell, you look
downright retarded.

- Oh, Stan...
- Francine!

Quacky!

Stan, this was my best friend
in the whole world, Quacky.

Then how come you've never
mentioned him once?

What? I mention him
all the time.

I even did that one-woman show
called Mentioning Quacky.

Oh, yeah, I meant to go to that.

- So, who else is here?
- there's Kenneth McTier, crack addict;

Brian Miller, child molester.
and Doug Ackerman...

bald.

- Oh, my God, is that Betty Sue?
- Yep.

Hard to believe you almost
lost homecoming queen to her.

That's right.
I only won by one vote.

How could it be so close?
She's so fat that...

she's so fat that...

Come on, you got to have
one of these.

She's so fat that Rabelais documented
her adventures with Pantagruel?

Aw, damn!
Oh, yes, he did!

Apparently, Betty Sue was so devastated
by losing homecoming queen,

she walked into a Dunkin' Donuts
and never came out.

And speaking
of coming out: ta-da!

So, that's why you're so pale. This is the
first time you've come out of your house.

Welcome, this is a necktie,
and that's a table.

- No, I'm gay.
- What?!

My gay-dar is totally off.

Damn! Skymall screwed me again.

Well, Quacky, I
think it's fantastic.

Stan, why don't you get us
some drinks to celebrate?

Okay,

but when I go, he has to promise not to
stare at my ass or become a school teacher.

- I'm a bartender.
- Ah-ah!

Conversation's
up here, sailor.

Sorry my, um... war-veteran uncle
here blew up your car.

No matter. A car is merely a means
of transporting pizzas.

Thankfully, the pizzas survived,
for they contain the dough of life.

Oh, I'm sorry, I drifted off.
Are you on Thorazine?!

What the hell?! I mean, what year
is it? Who's president?

Roger! Mitch, if you can't finish
your route, won't you lose your job?

Perhaps, for, lo, when a pie
reaches not its destination,

a trust is broken forever.

Yeah. Look, Kung-Fu, I prefer
my crazy in my bread.

Hey! You can use my mom's car
to deliver the pizzas!

Hey, your folks
left Hayley in charge.

No way she's gonna let you loan
your mom's car to this psycho.

I'm pretty sure her
mind is elsewhere.

- What?
- What?

Has anyone seen the scuba diver
that floats in my tank?

It's been two days,
and I'm starting to get worried.

Brownies!

Oh, Klaus, no,
don't eat that.

Why?

Gather around, everyone!

The reunion committee has dug up
the class time capsule!

Jimmy Gillespie's
parachute pants.

Oh, and lookie here.

The ballot box
from the homecoming election!

Hi, Stan Smith,
married to the homecoming queen.

Look for me tonight
in the spotlight dance.

This box is
school property.

This box is school property.

Oh, my gosh, what's this?

Two uncounted ballots...

both for Betty Sue.

Well, that means
Betty Sue won.

How do you like that?
I never was the homecoming queen.

I'm going to freshen up
before the picnic.

Why don't you help yourself
to the strawberries I ordered.

Oink, oink, Stan.

Guess you didn't marry
the homecoming queen.

Guess you still are the loser
you were in high school.

You proved nothing to nobody.

P.S., I charged a movie to your room.
Oink oink oink oink oink oink oink!

I cannot wait
for the big dance tonight.

I feel like I'm 18 again.

Get off of that!
That's a queen-sized bed.

There are no queens here.
Hello, housekeeping?

Can you bring us a
runner-up-sized bed?

- Stan, what's the matter?
- What's the matter?

You're not the homecoming queen!

I'm not gonna be the cool guy
dancing in the spotlight.

I'm just gonna be the dork
by the punch bowl,

slumming with the Duchess
of Second Place.

You know what, Stan?
If it's so darn...

no, damn.

That's right, I went there.

If it's so darn important for you
to dance with the homecoming queen,

why don't you just go
with Betty Sue?

I mean, you're acting like a..

Stan?

Someone order a
runner-up bed?

I came out of the bathroom,
and he was just gone.

Hey, I bet he went to pick up some
flowers to apologize for the fight.

Excuse me, coming through!

There he is,
with flowers.

Make way for
the queen!

Oh, hello, Francine. You know my date,
the homecoming queen?

HQ, that's what I call her, HQ.

HQ, you know my wife, Francine?

- I hope this isn't awkward.
- Awkward?

Don't be silly,
it was Francine's idea.

I was being sarcastic!

Or don't you get sarcasm, genius?

Oh, I think I get sarcasm,

and I'm hardly a genius, but still,
thank you; that's awfully sweet.

You know what?
You two have fun at the dance.

- Do you want to stay at my place tonight?
- Thanks, Quacky.

I'll never forgive you
for this!

Francine, wait!

You are, without a doubt, the cruelest,

most disgusting excuse for
a human being I have ever met.

Look, Quacky, you and me?
Not gonna happen, okay?

I'm like candy to these people.

One thing delivering
pizzas has taught me

is that Easy Street isn't
always the best route.

So true.

Okay, Steve, when people
start a sentence with,

"What delivering pizzas
has taught me."

that's the go ahead to tune out.

Steve, why don't you
come with me on this one?

Hey, Donnie Patterson lives here.
He's the bully that beats me up!

So, Dipwad's
delivering pizzas now.

M itch!

That pizza's
not for you, Dipwad!

- Sorry, sir.
- Now get in here,

and unclog my shunt!

Now I understand.

You give me the wedgies you wish
you could give your father.

You know I'm gonna kick your ass
on Monday for seeingng me cry.

And I'm going to let you.

So wait, Luke would
be on drums?

Nein, nein, nein.
Luke would be on lead guitar,

Chewy on drums and
Darth Vader on bass.

That would be the greatest
concert of all time.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Wait, what would Yoda play?

Oh! I forgot about Yoda!

Oh, Quacky, I'm fine.

Listen, do you have
any more Kleenex?

By the bed?

Okay.

No, no, I won't look
in the third drawer.

Stan?

In those eyes,

the lies, the peace.

Those eyes,

- I am your niece.
- That sounds awful.

That's because I'm not Peter Gabriel.
I'm Gabriel Byrne.

Honey, forgive me.
I was wrong.

We don't need
to go to the dance.

The only reunion
that's important is ours.

Go to dinner with me,
just the two of us.

Oh, Stan, I'll be right down.

Oh, good Lord!

Hey, Bill, it's Stan.
Is Mama Bird in her nest?

Roger that.
You are cleared for takeoff.

Good work. You're
the best CIA double ever.

Just keep Francine
away from that dance.

Hi, Stan.

Let's hit that dance, HQ.

Are you ready to order?

- Yes. I'll have...
- Please, please, allow me.

The lady will start with the
Nicoise salad, her favorite,

which she discovered
her junior year abroad.

I can't believe
you remember that.

For her entree, she'll
have the pumpkin ravioli.

The same dish she ordered on
their... our, our fourth date,

which took place
October 17, 1987.

Wow! Stan, I'm impressed.

Unfortunately, she didn't realize that
her tampon had been in for two days,

which led to a mild case
of toxic shock.

At 22:43, she was rushed to
the hospital by her roommate,

and on one brave Saturday
night, sexual partner,

- Jeannie Stone, who...
- Okay. See you at dessert.

Have the violinist play
"Little Red Corvette."

You requested
my favorite song?

All right, who are you, and what
have you done with my husband?

Oh, a joke!

That's a great story
about being old and alone.

It's like you've been walking
around dead for 20 years

and no one's had the
decency to cremate you

and sprinkle your ashes
over Old Maid Mountain.

Wow, that's quite a line.

Well, it's actually more of
an assessment of your life.

No, I mean the line to get in.

What you just said
was emotionally devastating.

I guess it was.

I guess it was.

But now, you're the queen, and we've
got a spotlight to dance under.

Thank you for
holding our place.

I'm with the homecoming queen.

And you know what that means.

I know what it meant 20 years ago.

But if that stuff is still
important to you,

it just means
you're a real zero.

What a douche bag.
Get a life, loser.

Hey, I have a life.

I have an important job, a house
with a giant flagpole, a great kid,

another kid, and a beautiful wife
who loves me and thinks I'm a winner.

I have a great life!

Oh, my God.

I have a great life.

So what the hell am I doing
with this train wreck?

Well, it's been fun.

Hey, do me a solid, keep me out
of the suicide note, huh? Thanks.

Hey, you know what? I feel like
dancing. Let's go to that reunion.

No! I-I mean, uh...

I want you all to myself.

Oh... Well, then, let's go
back to Quacky's.

I feel like getting freaky...

Third drawer freaky.

Okay. Let's go to the dance.
Yeah, dancing's good.

Great. Another delivery,
another life lesson.

- Let's go, Mitch!
- No, Steve, you stay.

I'd like Roger to
join me on this one.

What?
No!

I'm your disciple.

You chose me.
He doesn't even like you.

I really don't. On your last delivery,
I put a tack on your seat.

But apparently, it just split
the cheeks. Very disappointing.

This is gonna be life-changing.

That was totally life-changing!

You're finally starting
to get it, Roger.

Hey, where's Steve?
And the pizzas?

He has forsaken me.

I was supposed to be
his messenger, not Roger.

How could he abandon me,
after delivering such wisdom?

In 30 minutes or less!

Hi, there. Um...

I'm dining with a beautiful woman
somewhere in this restaurant.

Could you ask me to discreetly excuse
myself, so I can have a word with me?

I do not understand.

You left 15 minutes ago
with your wife.

- Oh, crap! Where'd I go?
- The dance.

The dance?!
But Betty Sue is there.

What if she sees Francine with me
and tells her I was just there with her?

You want a tip? Don't
wear so much cologne.

Send them back.

Send them all back.

They say if you
play it backwards,

you can hear the
voice of a dead kid.

Whoa.

Wait, how do you play
Monopoly backwards?

- Oh, mein God! Oh, mein God!
- Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!

It's the cops! Quick,
flush me down the toilet!

Hayley, let me in!

I was led astray by a false
prophet and I forgot my keys!

Do you know what you've done?
You got Mitch fired!

Why, Steve, why?!

Because he chose you over me!

Steve, the truth I offer
isn't personal-pan-sized.

I bring extra large wisdom
to your door.

Properly sliced,
that's enough for all mankind.

You didn't fail me.

I failed you.

And I was canned for your sins.

But I forgive you.

Wait, Mitch, don't go!
I need another slice of truth!

Oh, my God.

- He's gone.
- Yes, he is, Roger.

But I have a feeling
he'll be back in three days.

Your faith is so inspiring.

No, I mean he's got to move
his car for street sweeping.

- Why do you keep looking around?
- I'm not. How about some punch?

- Stan...
- Where?

Get out here, you jerk!

You abandoned me
at my own reunion!

Abandoned you?

Oh, thank God,
he's not here.

I've never been treated
so bad my whole life!

You're filth!

You're a horrible,
terrible, horrible person!

You know, you're a
very attractive man.

- Excuse me?
- You heard me! You're a son of a bitch!

And now, I'm gonna kiss you.

Stan, what are you doing?

Uh, Francine,
I can explain.

- Francine!
- Stan! Stan?

There's four of you?

That's it, I've had too much punch.
I'm driving home.

- Okay, bye.
- See ya. - Bye-bye.

No one's gonna stop me?

Well, go to hell! I hate you all!
It's been fun seeing everybody.

What the hell
is going on here?

This is, uh...

This is Bill,
my CIA double.

You have a double?

Yeah. Sometimes, we need decoys,
you know, for dangerous missions.

Or your parents'
anniversary.

Or Steve's baptism.

You let me throw myself
at a complete stranger?!

Not a complete stranger.
We took that cooking class together.

Look...

I only did this 'cause I wanted to go to
the dance with the homecoming queen and,

I didn't want you to be mad.

That is so thoughtful.
Come here.

Now say good-bye
to your kneecaps, Stan!

Honey, I know you're upset.

But I also know you'd never
shoot an innocent man!

Damn it, which one
of you is Stan?

- He is!
- Oh, fine with me.

I'll just shoot you both.

Okay, okay, this has
gone on long enough.

Francine, I've been a fool.

All this time, I thought I was special
because I married the homecoming queen.

But...

Turns out, I was special
because I married you.

Not because of some stupid crown.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I love you so much.

Nice try, Bill. Stan would never
say anything that sweet.

What the hell,
you crazy bitch?!

Hey, Bill, that's my wife, man.

Stan, did you really mean
what you said back there?

You better believe it, kiddo.

This is a magical night.

I don't think
we can save the leg!

Oh, no! Oh, God!

- Can I have this spotlight dance?
- What?!

I tipped the
pilot to hover!

- I can't hear what you're...!
- Dance with me, my queen!

Synchro: Kemar - Fogia
Transcript : Raceman