American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 14 - Stannie Get Your Gun - full transcript
Stan's efforts to get Hayley to become a gun-lover backfire on him when she accidentally shoots him and turns him into a quadriplegic.
## [Marching Band]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
Snacks for the gun club.
I'll be backwith the drinks so you can
all get locked and loaded.
[ All Laughing ]
Funny.
- Did you save me a cookie?
- You bet I did. Last one.
Oh, cookie, you look so good.
Shh, shh! Don't speak.
I'll go get some milk foryour bath.
I can't believeyou're
feeding those extremists...
from the National Gun Association-
They're monsters!
Oh, sweetheart,
don't be so dramatic.
Besides, aren'tyou having fun
cooking with Mommy?
I'm not cooking with Mommy.
Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Well, ifit weren't for
handcuffs and your father...
you wouldn't even
be here, young lady.
What the-
Hey, that was my cookie!
You snooze, you lose.
You snooze, you lose, huh?
Hmm. Okay. Eat up.
Eat... up.
Before we adjourn, let's recite
the N.G.A. oath. Hold hands.
[ All Grumbling ] Come on.
It's not gay. There's guns in the room.
[ Together] We pledge to uphold
the Second Amendment...
and use guns responsibly
and in service to our fellow man.
- [Glass Shatters ]
- [CarAlarm Wailing]
Hey, somebody stop that guy!
He broke into my car and he stole my CDs!
[ Together]
We pledge to act with swiftness...
our ears always open
to the cries ofthose in need.
[Man ]
Help! Help!
[ Together] We promise to be evervigilant,
protecting our community from harm.
[ Man ] And now, Action 3 News
brings you a breaking story...
with anchor partners
Greg Corbin and Terry Bates.
- Good evening.
- Our top story-
A carwas broken into on Cherry Street
this afternoon- my car.
The suspect was 6 foot 2
and a bastard!
- Terry.
- No, I work hard for my things!
Drinkyour tea.
You wanna cut to commercial?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's cut to commercial.
Right in our
own neighborhood.
Well, it's clear the time has come for me
to showyou wherewe hide our guns.
GLOCK, 1 7 shots.
Pen-gun,
mightierthan the sword.
Sword-gun,
mightierthan the pen-gun.
AR-1 5, MK5, MAC-1 0, paprika.
That's weird.
I use that pantry a lot.
And the paprika not enough.
I can't believe this house
is teeming with guns. Guns kill.
Oh, guns kill. Is that right?
Well, let's see about that.
Okay, gun, kill.
Go ahead. Kill someone.
Don't be shy.
See? Guns don't kill people.
People kill people.
Gun defend people against
people with smaller guns.
- You're such a fascist.
- Peace pusher!
- Murderer!
- Hermaphrodite!
- Stan!
- I'm swingin' wild, Francine!
Damn it! I'm tired ofyou always
being at each other's throats.
You used to be best friends.
Both ofyou,
in the living room now!
This is howyou two
used to be.
Can I fly it?
Only ifyou promise
you won't fly away.
- [ Giggles ]
- Oop.
[Hayley Giggling]
## [ Singing Together]
- Hey, this is our spot! Push on!
- Are you deaf? Push on!
## [ Singing Resumes ]
Now, you promiseyou're just gonna
watch it once and then erase it?
Yes. I just wanna
see what we look like.
The point is, there was a time when
you two weren't always fighting.
That was before I knew Dad
was a gun-toting maniac.
- Beatnik!
- Warmonger!
- Chupacabra!
- I'm the Mexican bigfoot?
- You heard her. She admitted it.
- Enough!
Now, tomorrowyou two are going to spend
the day together and reconnect...
or I am gonna lose it!
So help me, God,
I will cutyour pretty faces.
- So, uh, tomorrow?
- Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow.
Ach, that's the worst thing to happen to wine
since the movie Sideways.
That's right, America.
Come get me.
That sucks. Whywasn't I in any
ofthose old familyvideos?
Well, that's 'cause all the footage
was taken beforeyou were adopted.
What? What areyou talkin' about?
I'm not adopted.
No, no. Of course not.
That'd be silly.
You lookjust likeyour dad.
Good night.
I'm gonna makeyou cry
and dip my cookie in yourtears.
This is stupid.Just drop me off
and pick me up in a few hours.
And risk getting
my prettyface cut?
No, thanks.
Well, can you at least
tell me where we're going?
Remember that amusement park
we went to when you were a kid?
- You're taking me to Sugar Mountain?
- You betcha, baby girl.
That was the last place we went together
before I started to hateyou.
Ditto.
First we'll take the Rainbow Gondola
to Smile Hollow.
Then we'll eat some pixie doughnuts.
Then we'll-What the-
[Hayley]
N.G.A. Land? A gun park?
Yeah, Sugar Mountain
closed down years ago.
This is basically
the same thing...
except instead of riding a choo-choo
through Fairy Book Land...
you ride a bullet
through a mugger's chest.
##[Carnival Organ ]
[ Cheering ]
You come out the exit wound!
Whee!
## [ Carnival Organ ]
Oh, this place is awful!
Bumper Cartridges?
The Splatterhorn?
Hey, at least they kept
the petting zoo.
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Gasps ]
It's Ted Nugent's
Kill 'N Grill.
It's his flagship eat-what-you-shoot
restaurant.
## [Electric Guitar]
I don't wanna
kill the rabbit.
Well, you've got to kill something.
We're not stopping on the way home.
Dad, this place is evil.
They're trying to push guns on kids.
No, they're not.
That's absurd.
[Man On P.A.] Boys andgirls, putyour
tinyhands togetherforBobbythe Bullet!
[ Children Cheering ]
[Man On P.A. ]
Uh-oh, kids. Who's that in the crowd?
- It's A. C.L. Lou!
- Shh!
[ Together ]
Boo!
What do we do, kids?
[ Together ]
Shoot first. Ask questions later.
[ All Cheering ]
[ Groaning ]
You got me.
Yeah!
Hey, kids, listen to this.
## [ Singing ]
Everybody!
- [ Children Cheering ]
- ##[Continues Singing]
What's the meaning
of all this?
Oh, God,
the N.G.A. directors.
Mr. Simms, Mr. Hobart.
Smith, is that
your daughter?
Uh, yes, but don't worry.
I'll just put a silencer on her.
Yeah, clever.
Guards!
Get away from me! This is a peaceful protest!
[ Grunts ]
That'll come right out.
Thereyou go.
This is working.
You can't kick me out ofthe N.G.A.
I'm a lifetime member!
- [Gunshot]
- Oh, my God!
Total d?j? vu right now.
This is so weird.
You were right there,
just like this...
and then I was overcome
with crushing disappointment.
Oh, man, my card.
Oh, ho!
- [ Groans ]
- I asked Mom ifl was adopted, and she said no.
Well, what'd you think she was gonna say?
She's in too deep.
But, hey, don't take
myword for it.
I'm not in this one either.
How can this be?
Look at little "Stevsie" sleep.
You snooze, you lose.
[ Laughing ]
This must be
very painful foryou.
Come on, Hayley. The N.G.A. won't reinstate
my membership unless you apologize.
- Yeah, right. When pigs fly.
- Aha!
- [ Rings ]
- Lab.
How we doin', guys?
Did it work?
[Squealing]
Uh, we gotta call you back.
Look, the N.G.A. is the only thing in my life
that means anything to me.
- Ahem!
- What, areyou getting sick?
Don't come near me.
I can't afford to get sick.
So, now thatyou know
they're notyour real parents...
areyou gonna call them
Stan and Francine?
No, I'm gonna call them
Mom and Dad.
I'm still their son.
Oh, Stan, calm down.
As far as I'm concerned,
we only have one child!
It's like someone left the other one
on our doorstep.
[ Gasps, Sobbing ]
Oh, I just love it when crap
lines up like that.
Mom? Dad?
[Francine ]
Just take whatyou want andgo!
[ Gasps ]
Hayley, quick! Get the gun
in the china cabinet!
[ Grunting]
[ Gunshot]
I- I shot him.
Murderer!Just kidding. You saved
the family, kiddo. Pizza? Let's order pizza.
[ Clattering]
- [ Sobbing ]
- How's mylittle executionerholding up?
All my life, I've said guns were bad.
I'm such a hypocrite.
Honey,
he was robbing us...
- and he was gonna force himself on me.
- He said that?
Well, no, but I assume.
What? You think
I'm not attractive enough?
That what? That he'd just skip me
and go straight toyou?
Well, aren'twe conceited.
Mom, I killed someone.
Sweetheart,
you had no choice.
You saved the family.
Yeah, I did, huh?
And with a gun.
I guess I owe the N.G.A.
that apology.
[Laughter]
What the hell?
That's the burglar!
Dad staged the whole thing!
Yeah, I get it, Hayley.
I'm "unrapable," not stupid.
- You lunatic!
- [ Gasps ]
You tricked us just soyou could get
an apology out of Hayley?
Is your gun club that important toyou?
And you!
You missed out, pal.
Dad! I thought
I killed someone.
Aha! You thought
you killed someone.
Before, you said guns kill,
not people.
- [ Laughs ] I win!
- Someone could have been hurt.
- Relax. They're just blanks.
- Blanks?
Oh, hi, I'm Stan Smith.
I think it's cool to trick my daughter.
Who cares if
it scars her for life?
I guess they
weren't all blanks.
Dad!
Help him!
Call a real ambulance!
The, uh, bullet is lodged
in your spine...
and, I'm afraid,
forthe rest ofyour life...
you'll be
a quadriplegic.
Well, that sounds fancy. Come on, people.
Souplantation on Daddy!
Daddy, I madeyou
some soup.
Let it cool,
'cause it's much, much too hot.
- [ Screams ]
- Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ]
I got you! I can't feel a thing.
Hayley, why don't you
get some sleep?
You haven't left your father's
side in three days.
This was my fault.
Hey, don't worry about me.
I'm still your same old dad.
What's that sound?
Oh, I'm peeing.
Fantastic!
Hey, I found
your real parents online.
Stan and Francine didn't adoptyou.
They kidnapped you.
- What?
- Yep, they nabbed you when you were three...
- from a boat show.
- [ Gasps ]
That explains why
I've always wanted a boat.
Well, there you go, Tom.
That's your real name.
Tom Madsen.
Wow. Tom Madsen.
You know, the name Smith never felt right.
It's not a seafaring name.
No, but Madsen- that's Norwegian.
So, Tom...
- how'd you like to meetyour real parents?
- [ Gasps ]
Thanks for
pimpin' my ride, Hayley.
[ Blowing, Inhales ]
Whoo! A little light-headed.
Did my streamers catch wind?
Um, yeah. Look, Dad, now that
you can't work at the C.I.A....
haveyou given any thought to what
you want to do with your life?
I sure have. I wanna make a difference.
I wanna be an activist.
Really?
Oh, that's great, Dad!
Thanks, honey. Come on over here
and giveyour dad a hug.
Now let's go and have a little talk
with those boys at the N.G.A.
- Right on!
- Hey, Son.
Don't "Son" me,
baby snatcher.
Somethin'on
yourmind, champ?
Steve, what are you doing?
Something we've both
wanted to do foryears, "Sis."
- Mmm!
- [ Muffled Squealing ]
Oh, my God!
Everything that happens from this point on
is just gravy.
My dad was paralyzed
in a gun accident...
and he has something
to say about it.
- Tell 'em, Dad.
- I will, Hayley.
Gentlemen, my body is lifeless,
but my brain still works.
And it's telling me
to tell my mouth to tell you...
that I want to be a progun
spokesman for the N.G.A.
What?
What?
Who better than me?
What's left of my spine tells the whole story.
Guns work.
Butyou were paralyzed by a gun!
No, I was paralyzed byyou.
Look, I'm not gonna
point fingers here.
Because I can't.
Because ofyou.
We already have a spokesman.
Actually, the kids never really did
embraceyou, Bobby.
Butyou know what
the kids did respond to?
- His daughter's music.
- [ All ] Mm-hmm.
How about it, Smith? This Saturday
is the No Child Left Unarmed Jamboree.
Ifyou and your daughter perform,
you're our new spokesman.
- Yes!
- No!
Dad, I'd do anything foryou,
but this goes against everything I stand for.
Mmm, "stand."
That's okay.
I respect howyou feel.
Mmm, "feel."
Okay, I'll do it.
Really? Yes!
Victory lap!
Bobby, you're fired.
Turn in the costume.
Never!
Whywould I wear a sailor suit
to meet my real parents?
You were kidnapped
at a boat show.
Your parents have a boat.
They're rich.
- You want them to recognizeyou or not?
- You're right. You're right.
Don't forget
this curly blond wig.
- Whywould I wear a wig?
- You're Norwegian.
Right, right.
Hmm, I'm stuck on these lyrics.
What rhymes with ammo?
Empty shell ofa girl
who's completely sold out hervalues?
No, I'm pretty sure
it should end with an "O."
- [ Sighs ] "Blammo"?
- Blammo. Good, good, good.
Look atyou two. Who would have thought
guns would bring you so close together?
I know. If onlywe could get
some guns to the Middle East.
- [ Sighs ]
- [Doorbell Rings ]
Mr. Madsen?
I'm Tom, your son.
Oh, my God.
Tommy!
Is it reallyyou?
Jane, come quick!
- Mama?
- Thomas! You are alive!
All theseyears,
we never gave up hope.
Gotcha! Those aren'tyour parents!
That's for taking my cookie!
- What?
- Remember? "You snooze, you lose"?
You-You put me
through all this...
j-just because
I ate your cookie?
Dude, that is awesome!
You so got me!
Thanks. Thanks. There were a couple times
when I didn't thinkyou were buying it.
Hey, I'm in a sailor suit.
[ Laughs ]
Man, I should have known.
These people aren't rich.
Look at their house.
It's a box.
Oh, oh!
Picture. Picture.
- ##[Rock Song Ending]
- [ Children Cheering]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Thankyou.
That was "Suzy Shot a Unicorn."
- Look, kids, it's snowing!
- [ Children Cheering]
- Hey, Santa!
- ## [Rock]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Together]
## [ Together]
## [ Ends ]
[ All Cheering ]
Listen to that, honey.
The most beautiful sound
in the world- kids screaming.
I'm glad you're happy, Dad.
Stan, I don't think Hayley's
having as much fun as you are.
- What areyou talkin' about?
- [ Vomiting ]
Don'tyou see, Stan?
She's miserable.
She's given up everything
she believes in...
because she feels
awful about hurting you.
I hateyou.
You make me sick.
- I'm not seein' it.
- Smith!
- The crowd demands an encore.
- Come on, Hayley. You ready?
- Sure, Dad.
- [ Children Cheering]
You suck!
All right, let's do
"Ammo Blammo."
What's wrong?
You missed your cue.
What's wrong? [ Sighs ]
I was wrong. I can't makeyou do this.
- [ All Gasping, Murmuring ]
- What areyou talking about?
I knowyou're only doing this because
you blameyourselffor hurting me.
Butyou would never hurt me.
And ifyou didn't hurt me,
that only leaves the gun.
Which means-
Which means guns are bad.
This is a song
my daughterwrote.
## [ Singing ]
## [Together]
Wow! Ifthe hot girl doesn't like guns,
I guess I don't either.
Uh-oh, we're losin' 'em.
This is my chance
to get myjob back.
##[HayleySinging]
## [ Fades ]
[ Inhales ]
[CrowdScreaming]
Dad! Oh, my God!
He's been shot!
Hayley, tell Roger...
he's annoying.
Well, this time
whenyou were shot-
Whoop! That's my X-ray-size
vacation slide. Here we go.
See? The second bullet passed through
your neck and pushed the first bullet out.
You should be completely
ambulatory again.
What good is that
to a man who has to spend...
the rest ofhis life in a chair?
[ Screams ]
Doc, your fork has magical powers!
- It's the bullet that saved you.
- This is great!
We've gotta go back on tour
and spread the word. Guns are good!
- What?
- Without guns, I'd still be in a wheelchair.
Guns heal the sick.
[ Sighs ]
Did somebody order
40 c.c.'s of deliciousness?
We found goodies
in the lobby.
Wiffle Wicks, Bittles, Grape Gum-
Hey, you're in my seat.
Sorry. Early bird
gets the worm.
Early bird gets the worm, huh?
Yeah, enjoy the seat.
Enjoy... the seat.
Have a great night.
## [ Singing ]
## [ Continues ]
## [ Chorus Singing]
Snacks for the gun club.
I'll be backwith the drinks so you can
all get locked and loaded.
[ All Laughing ]
Funny.
- Did you save me a cookie?
- You bet I did. Last one.
Oh, cookie, you look so good.
Shh, shh! Don't speak.
I'll go get some milk foryour bath.
I can't believeyou're
feeding those extremists...
from the National Gun Association-
They're monsters!
Oh, sweetheart,
don't be so dramatic.
Besides, aren'tyou having fun
cooking with Mommy?
I'm not cooking with Mommy.
Dad handcuffed me to the oven!
Well, ifit weren't for
handcuffs and your father...
you wouldn't even
be here, young lady.
What the-
Hey, that was my cookie!
You snooze, you lose.
You snooze, you lose, huh?
Hmm. Okay. Eat up.
Eat... up.
Before we adjourn, let's recite
the N.G.A. oath. Hold hands.
[ All Grumbling ] Come on.
It's not gay. There's guns in the room.
[ Together] We pledge to uphold
the Second Amendment...
and use guns responsibly
and in service to our fellow man.
- [Glass Shatters ]
- [CarAlarm Wailing]
Hey, somebody stop that guy!
He broke into my car and he stole my CDs!
[ Together]
We pledge to act with swiftness...
our ears always open
to the cries ofthose in need.
[Man ]
Help! Help!
[ Together] We promise to be evervigilant,
protecting our community from harm.
[ Man ] And now, Action 3 News
brings you a breaking story...
with anchor partners
Greg Corbin and Terry Bates.
- Good evening.
- Our top story-
A carwas broken into on Cherry Street
this afternoon- my car.
The suspect was 6 foot 2
and a bastard!
- Terry.
- No, I work hard for my things!
Drinkyour tea.
You wanna cut to commercial?
- Mm-hmm.
- Let's cut to commercial.
Right in our
own neighborhood.
Well, it's clear the time has come for me
to showyou wherewe hide our guns.
GLOCK, 1 7 shots.
Pen-gun,
mightierthan the sword.
Sword-gun,
mightierthan the pen-gun.
AR-1 5, MK5, MAC-1 0, paprika.
That's weird.
I use that pantry a lot.
And the paprika not enough.
I can't believe this house
is teeming with guns. Guns kill.
Oh, guns kill. Is that right?
Well, let's see about that.
Okay, gun, kill.
Go ahead. Kill someone.
Don't be shy.
See? Guns don't kill people.
People kill people.
Gun defend people against
people with smaller guns.
- You're such a fascist.
- Peace pusher!
- Murderer!
- Hermaphrodite!
- Stan!
- I'm swingin' wild, Francine!
Damn it! I'm tired ofyou always
being at each other's throats.
You used to be best friends.
Both ofyou,
in the living room now!
This is howyou two
used to be.
Can I fly it?
Only ifyou promise
you won't fly away.
- [ Giggles ]
- Oop.
[Hayley Giggling]
## [ Singing Together]
- Hey, this is our spot! Push on!
- Are you deaf? Push on!
## [ Singing Resumes ]
Now, you promiseyou're just gonna
watch it once and then erase it?
Yes. I just wanna
see what we look like.
The point is, there was a time when
you two weren't always fighting.
That was before I knew Dad
was a gun-toting maniac.
- Beatnik!
- Warmonger!
- Chupacabra!
- I'm the Mexican bigfoot?
- You heard her. She admitted it.
- Enough!
Now, tomorrowyou two are going to spend
the day together and reconnect...
or I am gonna lose it!
So help me, God,
I will cutyour pretty faces.
- So, uh, tomorrow?
- Yeah, yeah. Tomorrow.
Ach, that's the worst thing to happen to wine
since the movie Sideways.
That's right, America.
Come get me.
That sucks. Whywasn't I in any
ofthose old familyvideos?
Well, that's 'cause all the footage
was taken beforeyou were adopted.
What? What areyou talkin' about?
I'm not adopted.
No, no. Of course not.
That'd be silly.
You lookjust likeyour dad.
Good night.
I'm gonna makeyou cry
and dip my cookie in yourtears.
This is stupid.Just drop me off
and pick me up in a few hours.
And risk getting
my prettyface cut?
No, thanks.
Well, can you at least
tell me where we're going?
Remember that amusement park
we went to when you were a kid?
- You're taking me to Sugar Mountain?
- You betcha, baby girl.
That was the last place we went together
before I started to hateyou.
Ditto.
First we'll take the Rainbow Gondola
to Smile Hollow.
Then we'll eat some pixie doughnuts.
Then we'll-What the-
[Hayley]
N.G.A. Land? A gun park?
Yeah, Sugar Mountain
closed down years ago.
This is basically
the same thing...
except instead of riding a choo-choo
through Fairy Book Land...
you ride a bullet
through a mugger's chest.
##[Carnival Organ ]
[ Cheering ]
You come out the exit wound!
Whee!
## [ Carnival Organ ]
Oh, this place is awful!
Bumper Cartridges?
The Splatterhorn?
Hey, at least they kept
the petting zoo.
- [ Gunshot ]
- [ Gasps ]
It's Ted Nugent's
Kill 'N Grill.
It's his flagship eat-what-you-shoot
restaurant.
## [Electric Guitar]
I don't wanna
kill the rabbit.
Well, you've got to kill something.
We're not stopping on the way home.
Dad, this place is evil.
They're trying to push guns on kids.
No, they're not.
That's absurd.
[Man On P.A.] Boys andgirls, putyour
tinyhands togetherforBobbythe Bullet!
[ Children Cheering ]
[Man On P.A. ]
Uh-oh, kids. Who's that in the crowd?
- It's A. C.L. Lou!
- Shh!
[ Together ]
Boo!
What do we do, kids?
[ Together ]
Shoot first. Ask questions later.
[ All Cheering ]
[ Groaning ]
You got me.
Yeah!
Hey, kids, listen to this.
## [ Singing ]
Everybody!
- [ Children Cheering ]
- ##[Continues Singing]
What's the meaning
of all this?
Oh, God,
the N.G.A. directors.
Mr. Simms, Mr. Hobart.
Smith, is that
your daughter?
Uh, yes, but don't worry.
I'll just put a silencer on her.
Yeah, clever.
Guards!
Get away from me! This is a peaceful protest!
[ Grunts ]
That'll come right out.
Thereyou go.
This is working.
You can't kick me out ofthe N.G.A.
I'm a lifetime member!
- [Gunshot]
- Oh, my God!
Total d?j? vu right now.
This is so weird.
You were right there,
just like this...
and then I was overcome
with crushing disappointment.
Oh, man, my card.
Oh, ho!
- [ Groans ]
- I asked Mom ifl was adopted, and she said no.
Well, what'd you think she was gonna say?
She's in too deep.
But, hey, don't take
myword for it.
I'm not in this one either.
How can this be?
Look at little "Stevsie" sleep.
You snooze, you lose.
[ Laughing ]
This must be
very painful foryou.
Come on, Hayley. The N.G.A. won't reinstate
my membership unless you apologize.
- Yeah, right. When pigs fly.
- Aha!
- [ Rings ]
- Lab.
How we doin', guys?
Did it work?
[Squealing]
Uh, we gotta call you back.
Look, the N.G.A. is the only thing in my life
that means anything to me.
- Ahem!
- What, areyou getting sick?
Don't come near me.
I can't afford to get sick.
So, now thatyou know
they're notyour real parents...
areyou gonna call them
Stan and Francine?
No, I'm gonna call them
Mom and Dad.
I'm still their son.
Oh, Stan, calm down.
As far as I'm concerned,
we only have one child!
It's like someone left the other one
on our doorstep.
[ Gasps, Sobbing ]
Oh, I just love it when crap
lines up like that.
Mom? Dad?
[Francine ]
Just take whatyou want andgo!
[ Gasps ]
Hayley, quick! Get the gun
in the china cabinet!
[ Grunting]
[ Gunshot]
I- I shot him.
Murderer!Just kidding. You saved
the family, kiddo. Pizza? Let's order pizza.
[ Clattering]
- [ Sobbing ]
- How's mylittle executionerholding up?
All my life, I've said guns were bad.
I'm such a hypocrite.
Honey,
he was robbing us...
- and he was gonna force himself on me.
- He said that?
Well, no, but I assume.
What? You think
I'm not attractive enough?
That what? That he'd just skip me
and go straight toyou?
Well, aren'twe conceited.
Mom, I killed someone.
Sweetheart,
you had no choice.
You saved the family.
Yeah, I did, huh?
And with a gun.
I guess I owe the N.G.A.
that apology.
[Laughter]
What the hell?
That's the burglar!
Dad staged the whole thing!
Yeah, I get it, Hayley.
I'm "unrapable," not stupid.
- You lunatic!
- [ Gasps ]
You tricked us just soyou could get
an apology out of Hayley?
Is your gun club that important toyou?
And you!
You missed out, pal.
Dad! I thought
I killed someone.
Aha! You thought
you killed someone.
Before, you said guns kill,
not people.
- [ Laughs ] I win!
- Someone could have been hurt.
- Relax. They're just blanks.
- Blanks?
Oh, hi, I'm Stan Smith.
I think it's cool to trick my daughter.
Who cares if
it scars her for life?
I guess they
weren't all blanks.
Dad!
Help him!
Call a real ambulance!
The, uh, bullet is lodged
in your spine...
and, I'm afraid,
forthe rest ofyour life...
you'll be
a quadriplegic.
Well, that sounds fancy. Come on, people.
Souplantation on Daddy!
Daddy, I madeyou
some soup.
Let it cool,
'cause it's much, much too hot.
- [ Screams ]
- Oh, my God!
[ Laughs ]
I got you! I can't feel a thing.
Hayley, why don't you
get some sleep?
You haven't left your father's
side in three days.
This was my fault.
Hey, don't worry about me.
I'm still your same old dad.
What's that sound?
Oh, I'm peeing.
Fantastic!
Hey, I found
your real parents online.
Stan and Francine didn't adoptyou.
They kidnapped you.
- What?
- Yep, they nabbed you when you were three...
- from a boat show.
- [ Gasps ]
That explains why
I've always wanted a boat.
Well, there you go, Tom.
That's your real name.
Tom Madsen.
Wow. Tom Madsen.
You know, the name Smith never felt right.
It's not a seafaring name.
No, but Madsen- that's Norwegian.
So, Tom...
- how'd you like to meetyour real parents?
- [ Gasps ]
Thanks for
pimpin' my ride, Hayley.
[ Blowing, Inhales ]
Whoo! A little light-headed.
Did my streamers catch wind?
Um, yeah. Look, Dad, now that
you can't work at the C.I.A....
haveyou given any thought to what
you want to do with your life?
I sure have. I wanna make a difference.
I wanna be an activist.
Really?
Oh, that's great, Dad!
Thanks, honey. Come on over here
and giveyour dad a hug.
Now let's go and have a little talk
with those boys at the N.G.A.
- Right on!
- Hey, Son.
Don't "Son" me,
baby snatcher.
Somethin'on
yourmind, champ?
Steve, what are you doing?
Something we've both
wanted to do foryears, "Sis."
- Mmm!
- [ Muffled Squealing ]
Oh, my God!
Everything that happens from this point on
is just gravy.
My dad was paralyzed
in a gun accident...
and he has something
to say about it.
- Tell 'em, Dad.
- I will, Hayley.
Gentlemen, my body is lifeless,
but my brain still works.
And it's telling me
to tell my mouth to tell you...
that I want to be a progun
spokesman for the N.G.A.
What?
What?
Who better than me?
What's left of my spine tells the whole story.
Guns work.
Butyou were paralyzed by a gun!
No, I was paralyzed byyou.
Look, I'm not gonna
point fingers here.
Because I can't.
Because ofyou.
We already have a spokesman.
Actually, the kids never really did
embraceyou, Bobby.
Butyou know what
the kids did respond to?
- His daughter's music.
- [ All ] Mm-hmm.
How about it, Smith? This Saturday
is the No Child Left Unarmed Jamboree.
Ifyou and your daughter perform,
you're our new spokesman.
- Yes!
- No!
Dad, I'd do anything foryou,
but this goes against everything I stand for.
Mmm, "stand."
That's okay.
I respect howyou feel.
Mmm, "feel."
Okay, I'll do it.
Really? Yes!
Victory lap!
Bobby, you're fired.
Turn in the costume.
Never!
Whywould I wear a sailor suit
to meet my real parents?
You were kidnapped
at a boat show.
Your parents have a boat.
They're rich.
- You want them to recognizeyou or not?
- You're right. You're right.
Don't forget
this curly blond wig.
- Whywould I wear a wig?
- You're Norwegian.
Right, right.
Hmm, I'm stuck on these lyrics.
What rhymes with ammo?
Empty shell ofa girl
who's completely sold out hervalues?
No, I'm pretty sure
it should end with an "O."
- [ Sighs ] "Blammo"?
- Blammo. Good, good, good.
Look atyou two. Who would have thought
guns would bring you so close together?
I know. If onlywe could get
some guns to the Middle East.
- [ Sighs ]
- [Doorbell Rings ]
Mr. Madsen?
I'm Tom, your son.
Oh, my God.
Tommy!
Is it reallyyou?
Jane, come quick!
- Mama?
- Thomas! You are alive!
All theseyears,
we never gave up hope.
Gotcha! Those aren'tyour parents!
That's for taking my cookie!
- What?
- Remember? "You snooze, you lose"?
You-You put me
through all this...
j-just because
I ate your cookie?
Dude, that is awesome!
You so got me!
Thanks. Thanks. There were a couple times
when I didn't thinkyou were buying it.
Hey, I'm in a sailor suit.
[ Laughs ]
Man, I should have known.
These people aren't rich.
Look at their house.
It's a box.
Oh, oh!
Picture. Picture.
- ##[Rock Song Ending]
- [ Children Cheering]
[ Cheering Continues ]
Thankyou.
That was "Suzy Shot a Unicorn."
- Look, kids, it's snowing!
- [ Children Cheering]
- Hey, Santa!
- ## [Rock]
## [ Singing ]
## [ Together]
## [ Together]
## [ Ends ]
[ All Cheering ]
Listen to that, honey.
The most beautiful sound
in the world- kids screaming.
I'm glad you're happy, Dad.
Stan, I don't think Hayley's
having as much fun as you are.
- What areyou talkin' about?
- [ Vomiting ]
Don'tyou see, Stan?
She's miserable.
She's given up everything
she believes in...
because she feels
awful about hurting you.
I hateyou.
You make me sick.
- I'm not seein' it.
- Smith!
- The crowd demands an encore.
- Come on, Hayley. You ready?
- Sure, Dad.
- [ Children Cheering]
You suck!
All right, let's do
"Ammo Blammo."
What's wrong?
You missed your cue.
What's wrong? [ Sighs ]
I was wrong. I can't makeyou do this.
- [ All Gasping, Murmuring ]
- What areyou talking about?
I knowyou're only doing this because
you blameyourselffor hurting me.
Butyou would never hurt me.
And ifyou didn't hurt me,
that only leaves the gun.
Which means-
Which means guns are bad.
This is a song
my daughterwrote.
## [ Singing ]
## [Together]
Wow! Ifthe hot girl doesn't like guns,
I guess I don't either.
Uh-oh, we're losin' 'em.
This is my chance
to get myjob back.
##[HayleySinging]
## [ Fades ]
[ Inhales ]
[CrowdScreaming]
Dad! Oh, my God!
He's been shot!
Hayley, tell Roger...
he's annoying.
Well, this time
whenyou were shot-
Whoop! That's my X-ray-size
vacation slide. Here we go.
See? The second bullet passed through
your neck and pushed the first bullet out.
You should be completely
ambulatory again.
What good is that
to a man who has to spend...
the rest ofhis life in a chair?
[ Screams ]
Doc, your fork has magical powers!
- It's the bullet that saved you.
- This is great!
We've gotta go back on tour
and spread the word. Guns are good!
- What?
- Without guns, I'd still be in a wheelchair.
Guns heal the sick.
[ Sighs ]
Did somebody order
40 c.c.'s of deliciousness?
We found goodies
in the lobby.
Wiffle Wicks, Bittles, Grape Gum-
Hey, you're in my seat.
Sorry. Early bird
gets the worm.
Early bird gets the worm, huh?
Yeah, enjoy the seat.
Enjoy... the seat.
Have a great night.