American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Stan of Arabia: Part 2 - full transcript

[Chorus ]
# Good morning, U.S.A. #

[ Roger]
Previously on American Dad.

- I forbid you to do that play!
- You forbid me? Ha!

I'm not going to fire you, Smith.
I'm going to promote you.

It will requireyou
and your family to relocate.

[Stan ]
Wait a minute!

- This isn't a promotion.
- Saudi Arabia is a dry country.

You think
that's something?

Wait till you hear
the rules about women.

Surprise!
I got us a second wife.

- How much for the woman?
- Woman?



Oh, no, that's
just Rog- Sold.

I am a man!

I've decided to giveyou
your old job back.

- Sir, I kind oflike it here.
- What aboutyour family?

I officially renounce
our American citizenship.

The Smiths are staying
in Saudi Arabia forever!

Francine, Thundercat,
there's no need to fight over me.

- I loveyou both equally.
- What?

Francine, we live in Saudi Arabia now,
and in Saudi Arabia...

Daddy makes the decisions,
Mommy makes a sandwich.

Mommy makes a sandwich.

You've lost it, Stan.

Has your boss called
to offeryou yourjob backyet?

Nope, he didn't
call me an hour ago.



Or maybe it wasn't more
like an hour and a halfago.

Mmm! Delicious sandwich,
Number One.

I'm sorry.
She's in the lead now.

She got 50 points for making the sandwich.
Oh, yeah, there's points.

- Get back here, whore!
- It's okay.

I respectyour right
to chase me.

Aah! Son of a bitch!

My face!
Damn it! Aah!

- [ Gulps ]
- Oh, thereyou are.

Hey,you know a woman can't be out
in public unescorted bya man.

- You know this harlot?
- She is my sister.

- Right, Sis?
- Uh, yeah.

[Man ]All units to the northeast
corner ofthe casbah!

- 220 in progress!
- 220? Someone just spotted a woman's ankles.

Let's move.

You should be more careful
around the police ofvice and virtue.

Doyou want
to get stoned?

Yes! Oh, my God!
It's been, like, forever.

You would like
to be buried up toyour neck...

and have a crowd of angry men
throw rocks at your head?

- Oh. No.
- Normally, I wouldn't come
to the aid of an American.

Your country's
foreign policy is despicable...

your culture is crude, and your gluttony
and greed make me sick.

You are so hot.

Whoa. That thing
came out of nowhere.

[StarterFiring]

[ Sighs ] I'm stranded in
the middle of a desert...

with no food, no water,
but at least...

I finally get to see
Angelina Jolie's sweet...

supple-

No!

I'm gonna kill Steve.
Selling me to some stranger.

And he didn't even haggle.
By the way...

these baskets go for, like,
80 bucks at Pier One.

I betyou paid, what,
like 50 cents? Be honest.

Silence! You were not purchased
foryour opinions.

- You were purchased to be a wife.
- Wife?

Look, bub, I'm not
marrying you!

Of courseyou're not marrying me.
You're marrying him.

Well, a girl can't
hold out forever.

The Iraq war
was a travesty.

Exactly. It's like the whole
unilateral preemption thing is-

[ Together] An insupportable doctrine
with inevitable negative...

repercussions on
the geopolitical stage!

- Hey, you want to get dinner?
- Ooh, now is not good.

I have a meeting. I'm in this
secret group called Al-Qae-

"Al-qae-holics" Anonymous?

Hayley, promise meyou won't go near
the American embassy.

The embassy?
Oh, my God, you're a-

Oh, Kazim, no! Look,
I hate America's policies too...

- but there are otherways.
- Oh, Hayley...

perhaps if I had met such an incredible
Western girl years ago.

- But it's not too late! You can't-
- No. I must.

- It is written.
- Nothing is written.

It's so good to have Stan
working with us on the pipeline...

and not for the-
yuck- United States.

- Imperialist swine.
- Theywant to enslave all Arabs.

You know damn well that America
does not want to enslave all Arabs.

Just the ones
who have oil.

Am I right, fellas?
Yeah. Americans. Ha!

Bunch of douche bags.
Praise Allah.

- [ Ringing ]
- Bullock here.

Deputy Director Bullock,
will you please offer Stan his job back?

Francine,
what a surprise.

I already offered
Stan his job back. He said no.

[ Screams ]

Your family may have
moved to Saudi Arabia...

but I'm the real
fish out ofwater.

Seriously, I'm dying.

Okay. I'm cool.

Whatever life throws at me,
I can take it...

because I am a strong,
independent blackwoman.

I mean, white teenager.
Oh, God! I'm gonna die out here!

Lord, please send me
some water or food or-

[ThunderRumbling]

Or Angelina Jolie.
Angelina Jolie's fine.

Your beverage, Princess.

Thankyou, Zacharias.

Oh, Zacharias,
this is a Tom Collins.

Whateveryou did this time,
write it down becauseyou nailed it.

You freakin' nailed it.

There's my desert flower.

Uh, whatya doin'?

Preparing to consort with
my newest and loveliest concubine.

Consort? Consort!

Whoa! Whoa. Nuh-uh! Now,
I-I don't know whatyou've heard...

about American girls,
but we don't go hopping...

into bed with some guy
we onlyjust met!

Oh, Hayley,
that was so wonderful.

But now
I'm so confused.

It's like I'm not
sure who I am anymore.

Why, because ofthat thing
I did with my finger?

Look, we tried something weird,
and you liked it.

That's doesn't make- Oh, you're talking
about the terrorism thing.

Oh, oh, you know what else
I hate about America?

New Mexico. Like we need
another one ofthose.

[Francine ]
Stan Smith!

Deputy Director Bullock
offered you yourjob back...

and you turned him down?

- You lied to me, Stan!
- You're right.

And it was a mistake to lie.
You know why?

Because I didn't have to.
Because I'm the man, and what I say goes.

And I say Saudi Arabia's
the greatest country in the world.

Greatest country in the world?

#We packed our bags
We hopped a plane #

#We left our happy home #

Uh, Francine, singing's
kind ofillegal here.

#The culture seemed
a bit insane #

# Butyou said
Hey, when in Rome #

Seriously, Francine,
ix-nay on the inging-

# Maybeyou've got
no reason to complain #

# But I've got
no "Y" chromosome #

So, here's what I don't
like about Saudi Arabia.

Hit it!

#You can't go out unless
you are escorted by a man #

# And when you doyou come home
with a butt crack full ofsand #

# No alcohol, no rum and Cokes
and no Dom P?rignon #

# At least a girl
can have a smoke #

- But not on Ramadan!
- # Oh, it's a land ofjoy #

# Ifyou are a boy #

# But ifyou are a girl #

# It's the worst place
in the world #

Okay, Francine,
we get it.

Oh, but I'm just
getting started.

# American girls
we do Pilates #

# Starve ourselves
until we're hotties #

#Why
Because we like our bodies #

# Check me out
you uptight Saudis #

# Oh, it's so
awfully grand #

- # Come on, Francine stop singing #
- # Ifyou are a man #

# I'm only
backup singing #

# Ifyou don't take me
home soon, Stan #

# I think
I'm gonna hurl #

# It's theworst place
in theworld #

I started this point system,
and she's way behind.

# I onlywant to see the world
explore and socialize #

# But in this town
I can't so much as look at other guys #

# 'Cause ifl did
they'd call me harlot, whore, adulteress #

# I bet my last riyal
you fellas won't approve ofthis #

Who wants a kiss?

# It's great
ifyou're from Mars #

# But not ifyou're from Venus #

# Ifyou want to drive a car #

#You'd better have a penis #

# So ifyou've got a vagina #

- Ooh!
- # A vulva #

- Yeee!
- # A clitoris #

- What is a clitoris?
- # And a labia #

You see where
I'm going with this.

# Stay the hell away from #

# Saudi Arabia ##

Whore!

Stan!

Singing in public,
dancing in public, indecent exposure.

Stan, you need to go to
the U.S. embassy and get help.

Oh, sure, one little snag and we go
running back to the imperialist pig dogs.

Will you have a little faith
in the Saudi legal system?

Let me tell you about
the Saudi legal system.

I've been in here for 23 years,
and you know what I did?

- I stole a candy bar.
- I don't believeyou.

My hand to God.

- So I'm going to head over to the embassy.
- Yeah, good idea.

Listen, honey,
this isn't a good time.

I- I'm riding the cotton camel right now.
Know what I mean?

You need not be embarrassed,
my little hyacinth.

- ## [Funk]
- Wow, this is so not how I pictured my first time.

Now I know how Brenda Walsh
felt on prom night.

What is this
you speak of?

You know,
Shannen Doherty on 90210...

goes to the prom with
brooding rebel Dylan McKay...

grapples with a decision
to lose hervirginity?

Your story
intrigues me.

Tell me ofthis
glorious epic.

Glorious epic?

Wow, you just made
Aaron Spelling's year.

Okay, okay. I'll tell you the tale,
but it could take a while.

And when you are done,
we will make the beast with two backs?

I can't believeyou have to pay
forwives. You're such a charmer.

Anyway, once upon a time
there was a magical place...

where Beemers glistened
in the parking lot...

and all the teenagers
were white and in their 30s.

Wow, Angelina Jolie!

I have so many questions
to askyou.

Is thatwhole thing aboutyou sleeping
with knives in the bed true?

I'm not Angelina Jolie, Steve.
I'm God.

I simply chose the form
most pleasing toyou.

Oh, you're God.

So is that thing about Angelina Jolie
sleeping with knives in the bed true?

Yeah. It's messed up,
isn't it?

I'm glad you showed up.
I guess I sort of got carried away...

with this whole
"being a man" thing, huh?

You know, Steve, you'll be
all grown up beforeyou know it.

So in the meantime, why not
enjoy being a kid a little longer?

Because it doesn't
last forever.

- Hey, can I see your boobs?
- What?

Come on, baby.
I- I mean, God.

All right.
But be warned-

a single glance at the rack
ofinfinite wisdom...

could drive a man
to madness.

Oh, now I have to see them.

Awesome.

[ Screams ]

Mmm.

Now I know how a kebab feels.

[ Gasps ]

[Kazim's Voice ] Mydarling, Hayley,
you have moved me beyond words...

but I must now fulfill
my destiny.

Farewell forever, Kazim.

P.S. Stay away from
the U.S. embassy.

The em bassy!

Move! Out of my way!

Oh, no! No!

Shwarma Ki ng!
Get your shwarma!

- Kazim?
- Hayley, I-

I thought we talked about you
not coming to the embassy.

You work at
Shwarma King?

[ Laughing ]
Let me guess.

He tricked you into thinking he was
a terrorist soyou'd have sex with him.

He does that with
all the American girls.

Shwarma?

- May I helpyou?
- Yes, mywife's in jail.

- You see, she-
- I don't need to hear it. She's an American.

We'll have her out in time for dinner.
I'll just need your passport.

Yeah, passport.
Uh, funny story.

- [ Laughs ] Let me guess. Monkey stole it?
- No.

- Monkey ate it?
- No. Why doyou think there's a monkey?

You said it was a funny story.
I just assumed it involved nature's clown.

No, I renounced our citizenship
and burned our passports.

Well, that's not funny.
That's not funny at all.

Yourwife's
in real trouble, man.

- [ Laughs ]
- [Object Shatters ]

Monkey!

And I knew the show was dead
when they started...

giving the guy from
the Peach Pit his own stories.

Like I care if Nat
couldn't read. Click.

Delightful.
What a riveting tale!

- Okay, time for sex.
- Uh, uh, hey...

ifyou like that story-

No, no, y-you wouldn't
wanna hear about it.

- Hear about what?
- Oh, another enchanted place...

just to the east
of Beverly Hills.

A place called Melrose.

People ofSaudi Arabia,
I have gone into the wilderness...

and I have spoken
with God.

In the beginning, my children,
lightwas separated from darkness-

And so, by dividing up
the disputed territories thusly...

Israelis and Palestinians
can finally coexist in peace.

- He's right. That would work.
- Peace in the Middle East.

All praise Steve Smith!

Whoa, whoa, fellas.
Don't praise me. Praise God.

- She's the one who came up with all this stuff.
- [ Gasping]

I'm- I'm sorry.
Did you say "she"?

- Yeah, God's a woman.
- Oh, I think I see what happened.

You thought it was a woman,
but really God was a guy in drag.

No, no. This was definitely a woman.
She had boobs and everything.

Oh, so God's a man,
but he has fake boobs...

'cause that's just
how he rolls, right?

No, guys, this was a woman.
You're missing the point.

We need to ride
toJerusalem and-

I've got it!
I know what it is!

God was born with two sets
of genitals, and the doctors-

No! Look,
God is a woman!

God... is...
a... woman. Geez!

- Well, now we gotta kill him.
- Too bad. He had some good ideas.

And then she climbed up
onto our camel...

- and... danced.
- [ All Gasp ]

Don't panic. I gotyou the best
lawyer in Saudi Arabia.

I'm sorry, counselor.
What did you sayyour name is?

- Irv Rosenblatt.
- Guilty!

Every single case!

Oy, this is
a tough town.

Please, Your Honor.
I won't last in prison.

Well, then,
this is your lucky day.

I sentenceyou to...

death by stoning!

Stan, don't let
them stone me!

Your Honor,
this is all my fault.

- Ifanyone should be stoned, it's me.
- Sorry.

Stone me with her.
I'm an American.

And in America,
marriage is an equal partnership.

So ifshe dies,
I diewith her.

Stan, that's very noble, but I'm doing
this alone, and that's final.

Francine, I forbid it.

While I'm sure that's a meaningful
callback to an earlier conversation...

I must point out
thatyou're a man...

and you have broken no laws.

So what does a guy have to do
to get stoned around here?

We're not big on homosexuality.

[ Sighs ]

- I'm gay. Stone me.
- I don't know. It didn't seem
likeyou were really into it.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Stone him.

[Man ]
This Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!

Shwarma King
and Clear Channelpresent...

Stone Mayhem '05!

Where the crowd gets loud
and the infidels get rocked.

Admission covers the entire seat,
butyou'll only need the edge!

Don't worry, Franci ne.
Steve's out there somewhere.

The Smith name
shall live on.

Sorry, Dad.
I had an epiphany in the desert...

I became a prophet,
and then my disciples betrayed me...

- when I said God's a woman.
- [ Laughs ]

Teenagers. Anyway,
the Smith name could still live on.

Hayley's a filthy liberal.
She'll probably hyphenate.

Yeah, I'm here too.
I put a shwarma guy in a coma.

Well, I guess this is it.
I'll see most ofyou in heaven.

Hayley, it's been
a crazy ride.

[Man On P.A.]Attention, stone-throwers.
Two minutes till the stoning.

We could sure use
a miracle right about now.

- [ All ] President Bush!
- Howdy, Saudis.

Democracy has arrived.

[ Cheering ]

## [Rock]

## [Ends ]

Looks like I got here
just in time.

Hey, it's snowing.

- ## ["Auld LangSyne"]
- Look, Mr. President.

Teacher says every time
a bell rings...

- an oppressive autocracy gets freedom.
- That's right.

That's right.
Attaboy, Clarence.

# Days ofauldlangsyne##

## [ Humming ]

- [Francine ] Wake up!
- What, what, what?

Damn! Oh, God,
we're all going to die...

and our lives meant nothing,
absolutely nothing!

I- I mean, uh,
something comforting.

Stone-throwers ready?

##[Drumroll]

[Cell Phone Ringing]

That's me. Sorry.
Hang on. Yello.

- Oh, hello, sir.
- [ Man, Indistinct ]

What?
But they're infidels.

Fine. Great. Rock blocked.
You're free to go.

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Crowd Jeering ]

- Ow!
- It's over, Thundercat.

Whore.

- I can't believe it.
- What doyou think happened?

Okay, beast with
two backs. Now.

Oh, that's what all
the fuss is about?

Oh, yeah, okay.
No problem.

Gee, Dad, less than
24 hours ago, you hated America.

[ Laughs ]
Shut the hell up, Hayley.

Butyou know, I will admit,
America's got its flaws.

- Really, Dad? Like what?
- ## [Intro ]

#Well, there's #

# Free speech and there's gun control
and lousy Democrats #

#The media's too liberal
and everyone's too fat #

#The women have careers
and form opinions oftheir own #

- #We let ourwives control our lives #
- # Damn, it's good to be home #

# Our life's not always great #

# In these United States #

# But remember
boys and girls #

# It's not the worst place #

# In the world #

# It's not the worst place
in the world, yeah, yeah ##

Oh, and, uh, what happens
in Saudi Arabia...

stays in
Saudi Arabia.

Okay?
Seriously.

Bye-bye.
Seeyou soon.