American Dad! (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - All About Steve - full transcript

#Good morning, U.S.A. #

# I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day #

#The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face #

# And he's shining a salute
to the American race #

# Oh, boy
it's swell to say #

# Goodmorning, U.S.A.#

[ Chorus ]
# Goodmorning, U.S.A. ##

- Who can bring me up to speed?
- [ Together] Me! Me! Pick me!

- I choose... Smith.
- Face!

One hour ago, a cyber-terrorist hacked into
the dam's computers and shut it down...

causing statewide blackouts...



and my DVD of Personal Best to cut out
right before the chicks did each other.

- Any suspects?
- No. But the psychopath faxed us this note.

Luckily, there was paper
in the machine this time.

I've never seen
this language before.

No one has, sir. That's why
we're flying in our top code breaker.

[Stan ] His name is TomJorgenson.
He's notoriously diffiicult to work with.

Some call him a genius.
Others call him a madman.

But he's the single most valuable weapon
our country has in our war on terror.

Scott here is, uh,
pretty good at the J um ble.

Dam n it! There's a maniac out there
jeopardizing the security of our nation!

We must focus all of our resources
on catching him!

- [ Whispering ]
- Right after softball practice.

It slipped the surly bonds of Earth
to touch the face ofGod.

Nice shot, Smith. Accompanied by
a hauntingly poignant turn of phrase.



Thanks. It's from Reagan's speech
when the Challenger blew up.

Speaking ofwhich, you're going down in flames
at the father/son softball game Saturday.

Hey, my kid just made varsity,
and he's only 1 2 or something.

Yeah. My son is so strong, when I talk
out ofturn, he beats me up with one hand.

His one freakishly large hand.

Oh, yeah? Well, my son's a chip off
the old perfectly chiseled...

never impotent, except for that one time I
couldn't get Lisa Kudrow out of my head, block.

Yep. Steve's an absolute warrior.

I am the ElfWarrior
ofGallendror!

My elf powers are invisibility,
archery and worthy hygiene.

Well, your freshly brushed teeth will make
a minty necklace for my troll king!

- Oh, snap!
- [Steve ]All right then, bring it on! Bring it on!

I sure hope the fellows like
Crystal Light as much as I do.

Roger, have you lost your mind? You know
you can't let Steve's friends see you.

Oh, Hayley, theywon't notice
I'm not Francine. They're 1 3.

They'll never take their eyes
off my sweater meat.

Look, don't go down there.

I promise I'll helpyou find a safe way
to socialize with humans.

That'd be great, Hayley.
I feel so cooped up in this place.

It's like a prison, except without
the thrill ofa daily cavity search.

Did I say thrill?
I meant fear.

[Stan ]
Nice one! Beautiful!

Way to step into it.
Amazing.

Huh. He's good,
but he's no Smith.

Sun was in your eyes.
Wind took that one.

You weren't readyyet. You weren't
readyyet. You weren't readyyet.

- [ Groans ]
- Good job, Son. Takeyour base.

Sandwiches for my big sluggers.

Steve, I put yours in the blender
soyou don't have to chew.

Thanks, Mom. And thanks again
for hanging out with me today, Dad.

It doesn't look like Steve had much fun
at the batting cages.

Nonsense! You should have seen him
crying when we were leaving.

You know, Stan, maybe Steve's
not the athleteyou think he is.

- Areyou saying our son is a loser?
- No, of course not. I'm just-

Damn right. Because ifyou're an athlete,
you're a winner.

And all Smiths are winners.
Therefore, all athletes are Smiths.

I'll take my sandwich
in the study.

Ach, he's so delusional.
Well, I'm late for my pedicure.

[ Imitating Motor Running ]

[ Imitating Tires Screeching ]

[ Imitating Footsteps ]

[ Imitating Door Creaking ]

I'm sorry I'm late, Mai Ling.
I'm thinking French tips this week.

Behold! It is here. The events guide
to this weekend's sci-fi convention.

- I've been waiting all year for this!
- Yeah!

They're doing a Klingon wedding,
followed by a Klingon divorce.

- Rok-pra!
- You said it! Get a prenup.

Steve, how would you like to go to
the Yankee-Oriole game tomorrow?

- Really?
- Absolutely. Ifyou want to
get good at something...

you have to see it done
up close by professionals.

That's why I tookyour mother
to Bangkok last summer.

Oh! Her Pad Thai
is delicious now.

Uh, Steve, you were supposed to go
on a mission with us tomorrow?

- You're all invited.
- Cool! Can we wear our uniforms?

- Absolutely. And I gotyou all
baseball jackets too.
- Oh, that's great, man!

Your size would have cost me
two bucks extra, so, uh,just bring a sweater.

- I've never been to a baseball game before.
- Yeah?

Well, wait till you hearwho pulled some strings
to get us into the Yankee locker room.

- You?
- I said wait, pork chop!

Whoa. Whoa. [ Chuckles ]
Where did that come from?

Uh, yes, Steve's friend,
it was me.

Well, going to the beach as a Saudi
exchange student was an awful idea.

Well, I'm sorry no one talked toyou.
But we can't risk anyone seeing you.

Hayley, I'm a social creature.
I need to mingle.

You know, back home,
I was a greeter at Philaxido?

It's kind oflike Wal-Mart.

Except when people work there for 1 8 years,
they aren't proud ofit.

- [ Chattering ]
- Look, boys. Perennial All-Star, DerekJeter.

Hey, kids.
Have fun at the game.

Listen, the C.I.A. said
theywere done with me.

I still have the headaches
and the nightmares.

What happened in Munich?
Who did I kill?

No, no. I'm not here forthat.
I'm herewith my son.

He's an athlete, likeyou.

- We've landed. Gentlemen, reveal uniforms.
- [Men Chuckling]

- Steve, what areyou doing?
- [ Beeps ]

We've beamed down to a planet
of strange men in swaddling clothes.

- What's your reading, Chekov?
- [ Speaking Japanese ]

I'm Sulu.

Athlete?
Stan, your son's a geek.

What? No!
No, that can't be!

##[Techno Pop ]

## [ Continues ]

- ## [Ends ]
- Aah!

[ Gasps ]

No!

Oh, thank God!
[ Gasps ]

No!

- The cyber-terrorist has struck again.
- That's right, Greg.

This time he hacked into the computer system
ofthe largest refinery on the East Coast...

essentially shutting down
all oil production.

Oh, I hope that doesn't
include olive oil.

Someone promised to make me
paella this weekend.

Great. Now it seems like an obligation
instead ofa treat.

- [ Grinding ]
- Stan, stop grinding yourteeth.

It's notyourfault
that nut-job is still out there.

Forget national security!
We have a real crisis! Our son is a geek!

So our son is a geek?
Who cares?

You knew?
What else haveyou been hiding?

Maybe the fact that
he's not even my son?

Please! Please tell me
you slept with another man!

Tell me it was in our bed, and he was
wearing my tie as a headband...

and-and you grabbed the tie
to gain leverage...

and then apologized,
embarrassed, but he said...

"No, baby. You grab whatyou need to
grab to keep doing whatyou're doing."

Tell me! Ifyou ever loved me,
you'll tell me that's what happened!

Stop overreacting.

Look, you two are gonna go to
the father/son softball game tomorrow...

and have a wonderful time.

Hey, everyone.
I'm Steve Smith, Stan Smith's son.

Stan Smith is my dad.
Watch me play throw. [ Grunts ]

[ All Laughing ]

[ Grinding ]

Oh, honey. You're breaking out
in a stress rash.

You need ein facial. I'll call Mai Ling
and makeyou an appointment.

[ Imitating Dialing ]

[ Imitating Phone Ringing ]

McCullough's Outdoor Furniture,
Bob speaking.

Ach, I'm sorry.
I must have misdialed. Click.

Look, you said you wanted a job
soyou could meet people.

No, no, it's good. I-It's fine.
The costume's nice and spacious.

There's enough room in here for everything,
except my self-respect.

It's not my fault the job market sucks.
I didn't vote for Bush.

- Let it go, Hayley.
- [Hayley] Never!

- Uh, hey, Son.
- Dad, check out my protective cup.

It's like a force field
for my boy parts.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Yes, yes. Unfortunately,
the game's been rained out.

- Oh, no.
- Yeah, I know. God, I'm crushed!

- You know, we could still do something together.
- We sure could.

Well, good-bye!

[Doorbell Rings ]

Hey, Steve. Want to burn bugs
with a magnifying glass?

We use the sun
to send them to heaven.

Wait.
It's not raining.

Wow! Your dad used a rain machine to
ditch you? Why the hell would he do that?

- Knock it out ofthe park, Son!
- [Cheering]

- Nice hit, Son!
- [Man ] Go! Go! Go! Go! Yeah!

- Your son is phenomenal, Smith.
- Thankyou, sir.

Yeah, he's amazing.

- No one told you to talk!
- I'm sorry, Son.

Hey, Stan. How come I've never seen
this son ofyours before?

Darnelle's been to the office
a hundred times!

Or are black people invisible
toyou, you racist bastard?

- [ Crowd Cheering]
- Wow! They sure can run, can't they?

Way to go, Son!

[ Gasps ]

Half off on a peach smoothie!

Thanks.
That's a good deal.

Yes! I had a conversation.

[Man ]
What areyou doin'on mycorner?

Hola, Taco King.
C?mo est?s?

Guess I should have used
the formal usted.

- You're cutting into my business!
- Oh, come on.

I bet ifyou let me inside your hard shell,
I'd find a lump ofsoft meat.

[ Chuckles ]
Th-That came out wrong.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Please!
Let's talk this out! Pl- Ow!

- [ Roger] Why does everyone hate the juice?
- [Horns Honking]

## [ Humming: "Take Me Out
To the Ball Game" ]

- Uh, Steve!
- How was your day?

Oh, i-i-i-it was, uh,
it was great. Great.

Great. Great. What's, uh,
what's that on your shoulder?

It looks like a strand
of Big League chew.

Except that looks like grape.
And you only chew original.

Oh, that.
Uh, well, I, uh-

I was at the softball game, Dad!
I sawyou with him!

Look, I'm sorry, all right?
I'm weak! I have needs!

No, I'm sorry. Sorry I'm not the son
you want me to be!

- [ Grunts ]
- [ Grinding ]

Uh, Francine!

- What kind offatherwould
do that to his own son?
- [ Grinding ]

- [ Screams ]
- I got beat up by a taco.

- [ Grinding ]
- [ Snap ]

Mr. Smith, you're whatwe call
in the business a Class "A" grinder.

Now I'm not talking about
the sandwich grinder...

or the organ grinderyou mayfind locked
in sweaty coitus with your father...

one fateful afternoon in Rome.

No, you're a Class "A" grinder...

meaning thatyou grind your teeth
so fervently that you need braces.

Braces?
You've got to be kidding!

[ Chuckles ]
I onlywish, Mr. Smith.

And I onlywish I had never known
the sickly sweet scent of my father's love...

with that filthy fat gypsy.

And that I could have mustered
something other than "Papa, no!"...

before that shrieking monkey
drove me from the room.

But you're a grinder,
and you're getting braces.

But I-I already had braces
when I was a kid.

Doctor, I've paid my dues.

- [ Thinking ] Papa, no!
- [ Thinking: Monkey Screeching ]

- [ Thinking: Footsteps Running ]
- [ Thinking: Door Slamming Shut ]

Do we ever pay our dues,
Mr. Smith?

[ Beeps ]

[ Beeping Rapidly]

This morning
the cyber-terrorist struck again.

Agent Smith, could you
tell us the location?

[ Lisping ]
The Securities and Exchange Commission.

- [ All Laughing ]
- Oh, ha, ha, veryfunny.

All right. All right. Settle down.
Back to the cyber-terrorist.

Once again, he sent a note
in the same mysterious language.

All of our living code breakers
are absolutely stumped.

Therefore, because we have no leads,
this afternoon we'll be raiding a mosque.

- [ All Cheering ]
- All right! Yeah! Yeah!

Hey, pizza face!
Here comes a delivery!

[ All Laughing ]

Well, that guywas a real jerk.

Yes. It's a sad sightwhen Americans
turn against Americans.

- [Men Laughing]
- Oh, ha, ha. Real mature, guys.

- You're lucky I'm wearing myvest.
- Your attention, please.

I'm afraid the arbitrary raid on that mosque
has been canceled due to rain.

- [ All Aahing ]
- Man!

Well, I might as well get my rainy-day
mix tape out ofthe car.

Wait a second.

Not a drop of rain
in all ofChristendom.

- They ditched me.
- [Horn Honking]

[ Honking Continues ]

[ All Laughing ]

I'm telling the president on you!

They all went on a mission and left me
behind like- like I was... a geek!

Well, nowyou know
howyou made Steve feel.

Soyou need to go to him and apologize
and tell him how much you love him.

Fine. IfI'm gonna be a geek,
I might as well be a sissytoo.

I steal your bag ofholding, cut off
your head with myvorpal blade...

and throwyour corpse in
the fires of Lake Piracima!

- Whoa! Easy, Steve.
- I am notyour father, okay?

I'm just Balthor, a simple ogre blacksmith
trying to make a living.

[ SpeakingJapanese ]

Steve, may I speak toyou
for a second?

Come on, Steve.
He's your dad.

Shut up, fatty fat, fat pants!

Wow. Seriously,
I have no idea what that's about.

Only the holder of
the amulet may talk.

- So I give you an elf curse!
- Oh, my God!

[Stan ] That's the language
the cyber-terrorist uses in his notes!

What? Wait.
May I?

Why do they always set
the rear brackets too tight?

- There. Now say something.
- [ Lisp Free ] Sweet Sally Struthers.

Sweet Sally Struthers.
I can say sweet Sally Struthers!

- Now tell me, what is that language?
- It's Elvish.

- Of course. The Yiddish Elvis.
- No. The language ofthe elves.

Look, Steve, ifyou could
translate his notes...

then I could capture this madman
and be one ofthe cool agents again.

Please, Son.
I really need your help.

[ Sighs ]
Fine. I'll helpyou.

Look, Mr. Smith,
your stress zits are going away. Yea!

Oh, God,
I want to hityou!

Okay, in this one,
the cyber-terrorist says...

"Your moneywill come to a grinding halt
and all because of society's fault."

Of course! He was taunting us about his
attack on the Securities Exchange Commission.

If only there was some clue as to
who this elusive mastermind is.

It's right here in the letterhead-
"From the desk of Dan Vebber."

- Holy crap! The Dan Vebber?
- You know this monster?

Areyou kidding? He's only the contributing
editor of Wizards andShut-Ins magazine.

And tonight, there's only one place
he could be- the sci-fi convention.

Then let's go! And way to save precious seconds
by abbreviating science fiction as sci-fi.

But next time, maybe say sci-fi con or S.F.C.,
because time is ofthe essence.

Or as we say at the agency,
T.O.- No. No, wait.

Time is- is of- T.I.O.- T.I.O.-
What am I spelling here?

- Where are you going?
- Sci-fi convention!

Roger, I know a place where
you can meet people. [ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!
Ifhe had just held on!

Huh? Oh, no, no. I sleep like this sometimes.
It's good for my back.

So where are we going?

So whywould Dan Vebber
become a cyber-terrorist?

What do we know about Dan Vebber?

- Well, he's a grown man obsessed
with The Lordofthe Rings-
- That's it!

By destroying modern infrastructures...

he hopes to create a Middle Earth
in the here and now.

That's it!
I've cracked it!

But wait a second.
Steve was the one who-

[ Chattering ]

Good God!
Who's manning the Internet?

- [ Whirring ]
- [ Cocking ]

- Agent Smith, C.I.A.
- Agent Mulder, F.B.I.

- I'm Agent Scully.
- Excellent. Follow me.

I don't know who he's playing,
but he is so committed.

Do not invite him
back to the apartment.

- But-
- Not even to watch.

Oh, this is so great,
not having to wear a disguise.

I can actually make a connection
with people as me.

Want me to Irish up
that coffee foryou?

- No? Well, suityourself.
- [ Gulping ]

Hey, I'm Roger. Nice to meetyou.
Nanu nanu.

Hey, it's- it's you!

- Oh, God! This guy.
- You know him?

- It's me, Kurt.
- Right. Right, Kurt.

- How ya doing?
- How am I doing? You probed me!

You set fire to my Celica!
No one believed me!

Mywife left me!
She took my boys!

But, hey, that's okay
because you're back...

and you can tell everyone that you exist
and that I'm not crazy.

Yeah. Uh, this is
kind of myweekend.

Um, look, just, uh, hang out atyour booth
and I'll swing back by...

and we'll piece together the shattered
remains ofyour life or- orwhatever.

Oh, God, thankyou.
Thankyou! You're coming back?

Ten minutes, right here.
Keep walking.

Every thinking, rational person
knows that Luke Skywalker...

would totally destroy Frodo!

Yes. Were it not for the one ring
which bestows the power of invisibility.

- That's Dan Vebber!
- Sorry, Vebber.

- You're going away for a long time.
So packyour baggins.
- [ All Groaning ]

Dad, I know people here.

So the enemies of Middle Earth
are upon Dan Vebber.

Fellow dorks, this is the man
who convinced Lucas...

to not release the anamorphic,
5.1 DVD transfers...

ofthe original, non-special-edition
Star Wars Trilogy.

[ All Gasping, Growling ]

[CrowdShouting, Indistinct]

[ Imitating Light Saber Buzzing ]

[Thud]

Frodo lives and you must die.

[Steve ]
Notso fast, Halfling.

This is the underwear PeterJackson wore
while editing The Frighteners.

No!

[ Screaming ]

- [ Grunting ]
- Nice work, Son.

- Ooh! Ooh!
- Freeze, you big-footed freak!

Dan Vebber does not fearyou,
for he is ushering in the age of magic.

And you cannot shoot
what you cannot see. Ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha-

[ Groaning, Sobbing ]

- [ Moaning ]
- Well done, Smith.

Well, the credit should go to Steve.
He's the real hero.

- Way to go, Son.
- Thanks, Dad.

I'm just glad you learned to finally
appreciate me forwho I am.

I sure have, Son. And I'm glad
you enjoyed this auto show.

It's a sci-fi convention.

[ Chuckling ]
My son loves his cars.

I don't get it, Roger. You say
you want to connect with people...

and then you spend two hours
in the bathroom...

avoiding the one person on this planet
who wants to talk toyou.

Just shut up
and get me back to my attic.

I can't believe
I agreed to do this.

It's different this time, Ilene!
He's here!

And you're gonna see him!
And the boys are gonna see him!

And you'll all know I'm not crazy!
And we can be a family again!

Oh, God! Don't look.
Don't look.

Bye-bye.
Seeyou soon.