American Born Chinese (2023): Season 1, Episode 6 - Hot Stuff - full transcript

Amelia throws Jin a birthday party, which gets crashed by Niu Mowang.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[in English] Okay. This pile is to
keep. This pile is to throw away.

For example, I will
keep these muffins.

I will throw away that apron.

Uh, actually, I will
keep this apron.


- What's that pile?
- I thought that was yours.

No, none of this is mine.

Oh. Then I'll just add
it on to the keep pile.

And what of the pendant? What
are your plans for that now?

If it is the Fourth Scroll,

legend says we need my
father's staff to open it.

But Niu Mowang has that.

Wei-Chen, is that the
only thing bothering you?

I just… [sighs]

…didn't expect that getting
this… I would lose my friend.

I think I hurt Jin.

[Guanyin sighs]

[speaking Mandarin]

[in English] I promised
not to get involved,

but I can offer you
this, just once.

I will bring your
pendant to Lady Rocky.

Lady Rocky?

She gave herself that name.

Her real name is Shi Ji.

She's all about stones.

She's a bit much, but
she may be able to help.

At least we'll know if your
quest is actually complete.

Thank you, Guanyin-pusa.

No need to thank me.
Just help me clean.


Do you want me to throw away
these old soy sauce packets?

[gasps] Are you crazy?

[Mr. Larkins] All right, what
animal has the fastest metabolism?

And no, it is not Dwayne
"The Rock" Johnson.

It's the hummingbird.

Pretty amazing, huh?

All right, enough fun. Let's make
like proteins and synthesize.


- Hey, is everything okay?
- Yeah, why?

Nothing. You've just been a
little distant lately, that's all.

Oh, sorry. Yeah, it's not you.
It's just some other stuff.

Got it. Um, do you wanna
talk to me about other stuff?

Do you know that kid Wei-Chen?

Yeah, but I haven't
seen him in a few weeks.

- Didn't he go home?
- Uh, he went home but then he came back.

Um, we kinda got into a thing after
I left your house the other night.

- Thing? What kind of thing? Like a fight?
- Kind of.

Oh, he seemed really nice.

Yeah, well, I guess some people
just aren't what they seem.

Well, do you wanna finish this
project after school today?

I do, but I can't tonight.

- Why not?
- It's my birthday.

- What?
- Yeah.

- Are you gonna do anything to celebrate?
- No, it's not a big deal in my house.

My mom just makes these
noodles that taste like nothing

- and then my dad gives me 20 bucks.
- Mmm.

Well, my mom just makes practice
cakes for the entire month

and then my dad eats
them all just to be nice.

- That's cool.
- No, it's weird.

- Yeah, I guess it's kinda weird.
- But seriously, you should do something.

It's the one day you get
to celebrate yourself.

- Right. Yeah, we don't really do that.
- Oh! We should go bowling.

What? [chuckles] Amelia,
I'm not turning 50.

Me and Ruby found this place,
and they make it all futuristic.

Futuristic as in
everybody there is 50?

[chuckling] Stop. Look, are
you sure you can't do tonight?

Yeah, I guess the
noodles can wait.

Perfect. Okay, I will invite people
and this will be fun. Promise.

[Jin] Okay.


[soft instrumental
music playing]

[sighs] They're exquisite.

Yes. One of a kind. [chuckles]

- How much?
- Oh, they're not for sale.

What do you mean they're
not for sale? [chuckles]

The stones were forged in White
Bone Cave during the Qing Dynasty.

I bring them out
simply to admire.

Name your price.

[chuckles] It's really
not about money.

- Anyway, I'm actually closing.
- 20,000.

[laughs] I'm sorry.

Fifty then, for the pair.

Oh. [sighs]

Well, they do look
magnificent on you,

but what would my ancestors say?


Let me wrap those up for you.

[Guanyin] One of a kind, huh?

- Guanyin-pusa.
- [chuckles]

It's nice to see
you again, Shi Ji.

Putting your skills
to work, I see.

Well, you know,
gotta feed the beast.


- You remember Pixiu, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Come here. [grunts]

- This is Pixiu?
- [Pixiu whines]

[scoffs] He looks different.

Oh, yeah. The Jade
Emperor did that.

After Pixiu pooped
in his lotus pond,

he turned him into a
dog and sealed his anus.

Anyway, we're not
banished per se,

we're just not exactly welcome
to all the fancy banquets.

It's fine.

Pixiu prefers Earth
stones, to be honest.

Anything celestial,
he can't keep down.

[in Mandarin] Isn't that right?
It makes his little tummy hurt.

[in English] So, what can I
help you with, Guanyin-pusa?

I need to ask you a question
about a stone we've discovered.

Two stones actually,

set together.

What do you need to know?

[in Mandarin] Whether
this is the Fourth Scroll.

[inhales sharply]

[announcer speaking
Spanish on TV]


- [in English] Hey, Mom.
- Hey. I'll make your noodles in a bit.

Oh. Uh, actually, I'm gonna probably
go out tonight, if that's okay?

Some friends are throwing
me a birthday thing.

Oh, that's nice. Ask
Daddy to drive you there.

Have fun, but not too late, hmm?

- Can I ask you a question, Mom?
- Yeah, what's that?

How much money did you
spend on the green stuff?

Jin-ah, Daddy and I wasn't
arguing about money.

Okay, then what were
you arguing about?

You know… [sighs]

…when I first met your daddy, he
had a lot of big ideas, big hopes.

I liked that.

And his deep voice.

I liked that too.

But now when I look
at him… [sighs]

…sometimes I don't
recognize the man I married.

Where did he go?

- Hey, Dad?
- Hmm?

- Can I ask you a question?
- Hmm?

Do you think it's possible

that Mom's green powder is
actually a good investment?


- do you know what is an investment?
- Yeah.

It's when you put capital into something
and then later you get something back.

[Simon] The green powder
is not an investment.

It's a silly drink.

Well, maybe he just thinks
it's kinda risky, you know?

'Cause you don't even really
know what's in it, right?

Do you know what's in the
energy drink you have there?

[Jin] I... I don't...
I don't know.

[Mrs. Wang] See? That's how
business works sometimes, huh?

Well, I feel like she
really believes in it.

And I think she thinks that other
people are gonna believe in it too.

[Simon] If she just wants to
believe, she should go to church,

not start a business.

[Mrs. Wang] If Daddy
wants just to work hard,

he should not have left home.

We came here for something new.

[Simon] Your mother doesn't
understand how things work.

[Mrs. Wang sighs] Daddy doesn't
know how to take risks anymore.

[Jin] Mom said she
wants to talk to you.

Well, Dad said he
wants to talk to you.

Will you at least try?

Can you at least try?

[Mrs. Wang] aiya,

he's just mad because I lost
the pendant in the restaurant.

[in Mandarin] I never
liked it much anyway.

[in English] Mom says she's
really sorry she lost the pendant.

She feels really bad.

Call when you wanna come home.


[laughing, chattering]

- Hey, guys! Uh, sorry I'm late.
- [Josh chuckles] Hey.

My dad is a very slow driver.

Late to your own party.
I respect the flex, man.

- [Jin] Of course.
- Hey, surprise, man. Look at this.

Dude, not a surprise party, all
right? Not a surprise party.

- Hey, Ruby.
- Hey.

- Oh, hey, Jin. What's up? Look.
- [Jin] Hey.

I put your name as,
uh, Big Wang Theory.

It took him 20 minutes to come up
with that. He's very proud of it.

- Well done. Well done.
- Happy birthday.

[Anuj] Yo, Jin! Hey, buddy.

- Happy birthday.
- Hey, man.

Dude, glad you could make it.

Yeah, of course. Wouldn't miss it.
Oh, there's a Pump It Up machine here,

so it's a win-win, 'cause I'm
gonna try to break the high score.

Oh, sorry.

He made me watch YouTube
videos all afternoon.

Well, it's research,
and it helps.

Got it. Hey, uh, is
Travis being cool so far?

H... He hasn't said anything yet.
I... I think he's scared of Suzy.

Every few minutes, I give him
a death stare to freak him out.

[Anuj] Let's go.

Hey, birthday boy.

Hey. Um, listen, thanks
for doing all this. Really.

Oh, please. I booked a couple
lanes and ordered some food.

No, yeah. I noticed the Panda
Express. Is th... Is that because...

Uh, the guys insisted on it.

Apparently they eat it,
like, four times a week.

- Oh.
- But, um,

it is mostly gone,
so sorry about that.

But they did give us T-shirts 'cause
we ordered so many Panda Bowls.

Yeah, I'm not wearing a T-shirt.

Oh, I know, because
you'll be wearing this.

Like it?


- Hot stuff.
- Hot stuff.

- I thought it just suited you, so…
- Yeah.

- Thank you very much.
- …felt you needed to have it.


- Let's go!
- [laughs]

- [pins clattering]
- [whooping, cheering]

- [cheering]
- Yeah! I got one. [chuckles] I got one.

- Classic, classic.
- Thank you very much.

[Ruby, indistinct]

Wait, why is he here?

Oh, I invited him. I thought maybe
you guys could smooth things over.

Hi, everyone.

- [partygoer] Yo. What's up?
- [Suzy] Hey.

Happy birthday.

This is for you.

[speaking Mandarin]

[in English] That means
"hello" in Chinese.

I know.

I'm flattered you
came to me, Guanyin.

- It's an honor to help.
- Of course.

After all, you are Lady Rocky.

[chuckles] You know, I actually
gave myself that title.

Oh, interesting.

So I will need to run more tests on
this pendant to know its true identity.

But, uh, first, would you
like to discuss pricing?

- Pricing?
- Yes. What's your offer?

- My offer?
- For my services.

You want payment for this?

Well, you don't expect me
to operate for free, do you?

Shi Ji, this could stop the uprising
and bring harmony back to Heaven.


I'm not as crazy
about Heaven as some.

You can't tell by looking at me, but
I actually used to be a cave demon.

- That's fun.
- [gasps] Oh, my gosh.

I am just noticing that beautiful
bead bracelet you have there.

This is a personal gift
from Nezha himself.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

I'll take it, in exchange
for examining your pendant.

[chuckles] Shi Ji,
you don't want this.

No, I do. [chuckles]

How about just three beads?
You're the goddess of compassion.

Think how happy
this would make me.

Honestly, I didn't come
here to make a deal.

Okay. Well, then perhaps there's
another expert in heavenly stones around

who can help you. [sniffs]

[Guanyin] Fine.

This is not a trade, but a gift.


Come here, sweet boy.

- Yes, boy.
- [sniffs]

What are you doing?

Oh-Oh. [shushes] He doesn't like
it when you talk while he eats.

Come here.

- What's happening now?
- Wow.

It's just gone?


I told ya. He doesn't
like celestial stones.

Looks like your beads really
were from Nezha. [chuckles]

[inhales sharply]
Good boy. Yeah.

- [partygoers applauding, shouting]
- [Travis] We're not worthy.

- We are not worthy, bro.
- [Ruby] Are you gonna get another one?

- [cheering, chattering]
- [partygoer] Come on!


[shouting, cheering] Yeah!

What? Dude, what is happening?

[Ruby] That's gotta be
a world record, right?

- [Josh] Why can you do that?
- What? There's only ten of them.

Okay, okay. Everybody back
up. That's my teammate.

Hey, uh, Wei-Chen. Can I
talk to you for a second?

- [Josh] Yeah. Yeah.
- Dude, you're not gonna do it.

Oh, my God.

Okay. So, why are you here?

Amelia invited me.

No, I know. But why
are you really here?

I come to say happy birthday.

Did you open your present yet?

Yeah, you regifted me the herbal powder
my mom gave you. Very thoughtful.

My guardian blessed it.

- Maybe it will work magic now.
- Okay, cool. Thanks, man.

Is there some other reason
you're still sticking around?

Or do you just wanna find
new ways to ruin my life?

[stammers] I just wanna say…

I'm sorry.

Hey, come with me.
It's not safe here.

[Jin] What? Dude,
where are we going?


[mouse squeaking]

[banging on door]

[grunts, panting]

Oh, great. Drunk busboy guy.
Hey, did Amelia invite you too?

Don't worry. I'll handle this.

Everybody out.

Free slushies out there.

Where is it?

The toilet? Down the
hall, to your left.

- Perfect.
- Well, good news and bad news. [sighs]

The good news is I now know
where the toilet is. Thank you.

Bad news is this guy.

[in Mandarin] Bull Demon.

What's wrong? Not
excited to see me?

I have a business
opportunity for you.

Not interested.

Hear me out.

You have the Fourth
Scroll but need the Staff.

I have the Staff…

…but need the Fourth Scroll.

What if we worked together?

You left home for a
reason, didn't you?

[in English] Please don't
say anything to make him mad.

[in Mandarin] Why would I work
with a weak baby like you?

[in English] Feel like
you didn't listen to me.

Careful how you speak to me.

- I'm not an idiot like Ji Gong.
- [breathing heavily] Hey.

Hand it over.


[Sun Wukong, in Mandarin]
Leave the boy alone.

[Wei-Chen] Father.

Have you been watching
over me this whole time?

I can handle this myself.

[in English] Sorry, kid. I think
I'm the one he's looking for.

[in Mandarin] Been
a long time, Mowang.

Yeah, it certainly has.

Has your anger driven you

to wish for the
downfall of Heaven?

If I recall, that
used to be your wish.

[in English] Boom.

[in Mandarin] Give this
up. I can help you.

Why would I need your
help, when I've got this…

- [staff rumbles]
- Look at what I'm holding.

[Sun Wukong exhales deeply]

How's it feel? To want
something I have for once?

[in English] You guys have a
lot to talk about. I should go.

- I don't think so!
- No!

- [shouts]
- [grunts, groans]

[breathes heavily]


[both grunting]


[in Mandarin] Hurry, run!


- [in English] Come on.
- [grunts]

- [Wei-Chen pants, grunts]
- [Ji Gong groans]

- Get them!
- [both groaning]

[both grunt]


[announcer on PA] Who's
ready for starlight bowling?

[both grunting and panting]

- [partygoers chattering]
- [dance music playing]

- [all cheering]
- [grunting]


Oh, there you guys are.

[in Mandarin] Sandy.

[grunting, shouting]

[cheering continues]

[in English] We're gonna
sing "Happy Birthday" now.

- Oh, awesome.
- And we got you a cake.

- We have to get everyone out of here.
- What?

Don't tell anyone there's
a demon fighting my dad.

I wasn't going to.

- [Niu Mowang shouts]
- [Sun Wukong grunts]

- [wind whistling]
- [grunts]


[in Mandarin] Sandy.

[both grunting, shouting]


[in English] ♪ Happy
birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Jin ♪

All right. Candles out, party's over.
Thank you guys so much for coming.

Come on.

We didn't even cut the cake yet.

Wait, are there nuts in that?
'Cause I might, like, you know, die.

It's okay. Maybe we should eat it
out in the parking lot to be safe.

It doesn't matter. I either asphyxiate
on the carpet or on the asphalt.

- But thanks, Jin. I see you though.
- Come on, party. We're at a party.

[Josh] Wait, where the plates
at? Oh, uh, right over here.

[shouting, grunting]


[shouting, grunting]


[in Mandarin] Go!
Tell the others!


[Niu Mowang shouts]

[gasps] Wukong!


- [straining, shouting]
- [shouts]


[shouts, groans]

[speaking Mandarin]

- [speaking Mandarin]
- [gasps, grunts]

- [panting]
- [speaking Mandarin]

This is because of me.

[continues panting]

- [grunts]
- [in English] No!

[both grunting, panting]

[strains, pants]

[host on radio, in Mandarin]

Our son told me
you wanted to talk.

He did? He told me
you wanted to talk.

[Simon chuckles]

That kid is a terrible liar.

He gets that from you.

You could never lie very well.

[Simon chuckles]

How's the headache?


You should eat something.

Have you eaten yet?

[in English] Um…

[in Mandarin] …I just ate.

I'll be fine.

[sighs] Jin.

[Lady Rocky, in English] Okay.
Here is what I can tell you.

This is indeed an
authentic piece.

It possesses two distinct forms of
jade from the warring territories,

just as prophesized.

That much is true.

But does it possess the
power of the Fourth Scroll?

For that, you'd still
need Jingu Bàng.

Until then, it's like
a lock with no key.

[sighs deeply]

We can, of course,

test to see if it has
celestial properties.

You're talking about the dog.

- I'm talking about the dog.
- [growls]

If he glows and spits it up, then at
least you know it's not of this world.

And if it doesn't?


I have a beautiful assortment of
jade pieces, all one of a kind.


- Let's try it.
- Would you like to do the honors?


Ah. [tuts]

Um, make him do a trick first.

Tell him to spin or something.

Spin, Pixiu. Spin.

- [Pixiu growls]
- [speaking Mandarin]

[in English] Okay.
Now you can feed him.

Okay. Here.

Yo, Wang. We're gonna head
out. But great party, man.

- Awesome.
- See you later, dude.

- Yeah, see you guys at practice.
- Peace out. Awesome.

- See ya.
- Hey, so we're gonna leave too.

Oh, great. Awesome. Thank
you so much for coming.

- I'm guessing you have lots of questions.
- What?

- Yes, we're dating.
- No, we're not.

Well, first date, so
technically dating.

- Okay, we're done here.
- [Anuj] You just said we were dating.

- So was that so bad?
- What?

- Celebrating yourself.
- No. Yeah, it was good.

- Are you sure about that?
- Yeah, definitely.

I'm just not used to
this sort of thing.

Amelia, let's go. I have to
give my cat his medicine.

Okay. Um, do you need a ride?

- No. My dad's coming.
- [Ruby] Come on.

He just doesn't drive faster
than 12 miles an hour.

- [both] Happy birthday!
- Thank you guys for everything.

Wei-Chen! Hey!

Hey, what happened?

[breathes shakily]
They took him.

Who? Took who?

My father.

[students laughing]

No, no, I'm serious.
That's what he's saying.

This is a play about the tension between
individual will and preordained destiny.

But what Cassius is actually
saying to Brutus here

is, "Don't be a wimp."

[students chuckle]

"To find ourselves
dishonorable graves.

Men at some times are
masters of our fates."

In other words, take action.

"The fault, dear Brutus,
is not in our stars,

but in ourselves, that
we are underlings."

He's saying that fate
is not decided up there,

but down here.

So, be brave, be bold, act.

- And then they kill Caesar.
- [students laughing]

[students chattering]

Uh, okay, so let's continue this
discussion tomorrow after warm-ups.

Thanks, everyone.

[cell phone vibrates]

- [clicks]
- [phone stops vibrating]

Marissa, hey. It's great to hear from
you. Did you check out the script?

Not yet. I will. But I think
you know what I'm calling about.

Yes, the reunion show.

It's a live taping, Jamie.

They need an answer
by end of day.

Everybody's returning
except for Lacey.

Nobody liked her anyway.

I just… [sighs] …I need
more time to think about it.

What is there to think about?

Well, I'm still trying to
get financing for the film,

and you know I teach
classes at the JC.

Listen, sweetie, opportunity like
this doesn't come along every day.

They're talking about a
possible full-season reboot.

They need you to show up. And I just...
I would hate to see you miss this chance.

- Do I have to say the line?
- I knew this was gonna come up.

Marissa, will I have
to say the line?

Here's what I think.

I think Freddy Wong is
an iconic character.

I think you are a trailblazer

who opened doors for a
generation of actors.

And I think they're gonna have to
update the show no matter what.

So it's a conversation
we can have.

You know, last month I took
my car in for an oil change.

I sat there for 45 minutes,
and no one said a thing to me.

Then as I was driving away,

the service guy yells,
"What could go Wong?"

It's been 30 years.

I know. And that's
not gonna change.

So why not get paid for it?

Maybe even enough
to finance a movie.

Marissa, please.
Please read the script.

I'm on it tonight.