American Auto (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript
- The auto industry
is changing.
Payne Motors has been
making cars for 100 years,
but until now,
all our CEOs have been men
and members
of the Payne family.
- Well, I didn't want the job.
- They didn't offer
you the job.
- Because they knew
I didn't want it.
- Anyway, today we are--
- You can sit.
I don't need, like,
a whole big intro.
I just had a little bit--
I just wanna
keep things moving.
All right,
so someone bring me up to speed
on this self-driving car
that we are announcing.
- Yes.
The Ponderosa will be Payne's
first fully autonomous vehicle.
It has seven key innovations--
- I don't wanna
interrupt your flow.
I just have one question,
the name Ponderosa,
do we like it?
- It tested well.
- Really?
Yeah, to me, it sounds like
ponderous, like dull,
you know,
like a dull, ponderous car.
- It comes from
the Ponderosa pine tree.
- Do people wanna drive a tree?
- We're not saying
that it is a tree.
It's just, like, a vibe.
- Yeah.
There's also the Ponderosa
lemon and the Ponderosa snails.
- But aren't snails like
the slowest animal,
and also a lemon?
I mean, isn't that what people
call a car that sucks?
Sounds like we're saying
it's like a dull,
slow, bad tree-car.
- Yeah, you know, I've gotta
say, I agree with you.
You know,
I think the name's crap.
- Do you?
- Yes, I do.
I've always thought that.
- Have you?
- Yes.
- To me, it sounds dirty.
Like, pon sounds like poon,
which means vagina,
and de rosa means "of pink."
So I just picture a giant pink
vagina on wheels.
- That's probably why
it tested so well.
- The name isn't important.
We've made advancements
in sensor fusion
and scene recognition
that will revolutionize--
- Wasn't there a car that meant
something bad in Spanish?
- Yeah.
Quite a few of them actually.
There's the Chevy Nova,
the Mazda Laputa,
the Mitsubishi Pajero.
- You'd think these companies
would hire at least one guy
who spoke Spanish.
- Does anyone here
speak Spanish?
- Jesus, people.
♪
- My great-grandfather would be
rolling over in his grave
if he saw that woman running
the company that he founded.
- Oh, because he hated women?
- I thought he
hated communists.
- No, I think it was Irishmen.
- No.
It's because she knows nothing
about the auto industry.
- She did pretty well
with that drug company.
- Exactly.
She's literally a drug dealer.
I wouldn't let my drug dealer
run a billion-dollar
corporation.
Actually, with him, I might.
He's like low-key genius.
- I just never worked
for a woman before.
You know, with a man,
if I make a mistake,
I can flirt a little,
but you cannot flirt
with a woman.
Well, I guess you can,
technically.
We're about 95% sure
about my cousin.
- Hello.
- She just bought two ladders.
- You'll be fine, all right?
If anyone's gonna be fired,
it's probably gonna be me.
- Or me.
- Yeah.
Actually, I really hope
it is you.
- I can totally see it
being you, dude.
- Now that you said it
out loud, I was thinking it.
- And another feature
of the Payne Ponderosa
is it's--how do you say this?
Chassis, chass-ees?
- Chass-y.
- Chass-y, oh, like gassy.
I was feeling very gassy
when I got on my chassy.
Chassy.
- Perfect.
And then
before you introduce the car,
I thought you might wanna
say a few words
about what made you excited
to come to Payne?
- Oh, I can do that
in two words, the money.
I mean, obviously,
it wasn't just the money.
There were stock options.
- Right, well,
maybe just more what you love
about cars then in general.
- Honestly, I'm not
really that into cars.
I mean, if anything,
I think is kind of weird
how some people
fetishize transportation.
- Right.
Well, that could be a challenge
leading a car company.
- I actually think it's better
if you're not that
into what you're selling.
It's, like, if you're really
into heroin, don't sell heroin.
Go into a different field,
you know?
Why, are you like some kind
of crazy car person?
- Me?
Oh, no, not really.
I mean, define car person,
right?
Do I appreciate cars?
Sure.
Do I love them?
I mean, define love.
Define cars for that matter.
Anyways, so the analysts,
they get here at 5:00.
So if you want--
- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.
It's some worker.
He looks lost.
- Seems like he needs
to talk to you.
- Does he?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's weird.
Okay, now I'll go--okay.
Go see whoever
the heck that is.
And we'll continue this
on the B side, Katherine.
- Grassy Shirley Bassey
got on her chassy.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I just needed
to talk to you.
Do you know I've never been up
to this level--
- Just--haven't you--
- This place is really nice.
- Yes, please get in.
Look, I am sorry.
Last week, that was fun,
but it was a mistake.
- Oh, you told me.
- We have this new boss.
And it would look really bad
for me
to be involved
with a guy from the factory.
Sorry, not the factory.
Just anyone who works here.
- Are you trying
to have me transferred
to the truck plant in Westland?
- Hm?
- Yeah.
I thought maybe you felt weird
about having me around
after--well, you know,
and you want to get rid of me.
- No, that was not me.
- Are you sure?
Because my supervisor
said it was you.
- Oh, Westland?
- Westland.
- Westland?
- Westland.
- Yes, no, what happened was
that we got this call asking
for a new day shift operator
in the Westland,
and I heard you're the best.
- Really?
Who do you hear that from?
- Lots of people.
- Was one of them Shawn?
- Yes, Shawn.
- Yes.
- He loves you.
- Okay, which Shawn was it?
- I do not know his last name--
- 'Cause we don't have
a single Shawn that works here.
- I find that hard to believe.
- In a way, being the CEO would
have been the easy way out.
I'm able to be more effective
as a consultant.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dori.
If anyone calls,
I'll be down at the test track.
- Okay.
- And can you handle
whatever A/V stuff we need
for the presentation
this afternoon?
- Me?
The most technology I know
how to use is my hair curler
and my vibrator.
Right?
Mm, but I will figure it out
because I'm a professional.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great?
Oh, my God.
If I was CEO,
I would have said "Make it so."
She's so generic.
It's, like,
super embarrassing.
♪
- So does this self-driving car
actually drive anywhere?
- How do I put this in drive?
- It's voice-controlled.
Oh, baby, drive us
around the block.
- You're calling it "baby"?
Seems a bit misogynistic.
- How is that misogynistic?
- 'Cause you can't
call women "baby."
- But it's not a woman.
It's a car.
- All cars are women.
Everyone knows that.
Like, "She's a beauty.
Let's take her for a spin."
- Well, this car
is a man, okay?
- Figures,
first car to do the driving,
and it's a man.
- Oh, Cyrus,
where is the break?
- Don't need one.
Watch.
- That's kinda neat.
It's like a Roomba.
- Well, not unless your Roomba
can create a 3D map of the road
and then uses machine learning
algorithms to identify...
but yeah, essentially,
it's just like a big Roomba.
- Yeah, it's like a Roomba.
- See our new overlord?
Katherine?
Sounds like someone
who uses a catheter.
- Sick burn, man.
- Thanks.
Hey, if there's
a power struggle,
factory's Team Wesley, right?
- You know, most of us
just punch in and out,
don't get involved
in that type of thing.
- Got it, neutral.
Respect.
But I'm telling you, man,
Ewell Payne would not have
wanted that woman
running his company.
- Why?
Is she Jewish or something?
- Ugh, God.
- Cyrus, there's someone--
- Don't worry, we'll stop.
Just as soon as we--
- Stop it.
- It'll stop.
- Stop it.
- There's no break!
- Baby, stop!
- Ahh!
Ahh!
- Now, let me put it
under your elbow.
It helps with pain.
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
They didn't hit me that hard.
- We think we know
what caused the accident.
- Alleged accident.
- Right.
I may have coincidentally
fallen totally on my own.
- Could be.
- Okay.
Well, you know how I was saying
that the car identifies objects
using machine learning?
Well, the operative word is--
- Machine.
- Learning.
See, it still confuses
with dark tones with shadows.
So occasionally, certain darker
optics come off as not there.
- And by darker objects,
do you mean--
- Like a black cat,
or a dark blue car,
or darker brown skin.
- So you've made a car
that hits Black people?
- No, no, no.
Not intentionally.
- Oh!
- Be your own people.
- What would Ewell Payne
have said if he saw
that we designed
the world's first racist car?
- "Well done," probably.
- The car's not racist.
Race is about a shared culture,
history, and traditions.
This just doesn't
see darker skin.
It hit Indian folk, too.
- Oh, thank God.
I thought for a moment
that we built a car
that wouldn't
hit Indian people.
- How are you just
figuring this out now?
In the pharmaceutical industry,
we would test a product
before we announced it.
- Didn't stop all those babies
from being born without heads.
- They had heads.
They just weren't attached
to their bodies.
- We tested it, but
the cardboard cutout thingies
we tested it on were all white.
- Well, why don't we get
some black cardboard cutout
thingies, you know, inclusion?
- Thank you for being an ally.
- His words.
- Y'all know what this is,
right?
This is white privilege.
When you're white,
Band-Aids look good on you.
Hell, even a cheap shampoo
at the hotel works for you.
Do y'all know
the automatic soap dispensers
in the restrooms
don't even work for me?
- Those are push-button.
- Say what now?
- They're push-button.
- Just go like this--
- Yeah.
- And they come--okay.
- Just press it.
- Well, I've been
bringing my own soap,
and I actually like it.
- Okay, we need to figure out
how we're gonna handle this.
This presentation
is in six hours,
and we can't just cancel it.
- Okay, what if we
painted the car black?
Optics-wise, I think
a white car that hits
Black people looks worse
than a black car
that hits Black people.
- I think any car
that targets people
based on their race
would look pretty not great.
- Especially since
Black Lives Matter.
- To be fair,
it would have been bad
before Black Lives Matter, too.
- Right, but like,
now we understand that also.
- Okay, the analysts don't know
that the car
is self-driving, right?
That's the big reveal?
Okay, so maybe we just think
of some other features.
- In six hours?
- I'm sure nothing will be
as innovative and exciting
as your Klanmobile over there,
but let's not let the perfect
be the enemy of the good.
You should come.
- Me?
- Him, why?
Why him?
- Well, because I would
like his perspective.
Plus, we just hit him
with a car in a way
that might be perceived
as a hate crime.
And so you're part of this now.
- Good, now tell me this,
would the car also
hit a white person
if they was in blackface?
- Yeah, probably.
- Right on!
- Lead with that, say that.
- So it's not all bad.
- Silver lining.
- How is this my fault?
I licensed the AI.
I didn't program it
from scratch.
- No one's saying
it's your fault.
- But sure, blame the Black guy
for systemic racism,
and then ask the Black guy
to fix the systemic racism.
Do you know how much
pressure that puts on me?
- Is it a lot?
- It is a lot.
- Yeah.
- And FYI, I didn't test it
on non-white cutouts
'cause we don't have
non-white cutouts.
You know why?
- Why?
- Because of systemic racism.
- Yeah.
Well, at least you're not being
forced to work on a project
with a new boss
you're trying to impress
and a subordinate
you just had sex with.
- Hot assembly line-guy?
- Yeah.
- Shut up, when?
- Greg's retirement party.
I'd had a few drinks,
and he's very attractive.
Katherine already thinks
I'm some car-obsessed fangirl.
Now she's also gonna think I
can't keep my pants on at work.
- Look, there's like 15,000
people who work here.
After today,
he'll go back to the line.
She's never gonna find out.
- I never even flirt
with coworkers.
The one time I make a mistake,
and I'm stuck with it
forever like herpes.
- A lot of people have herpes.
It's not that big
a deal anymore.
- What?
He didn't give me herpes.
- Who'd you get it from then?
- Okay, so what about
if we had a second horn
that's like a polite horn.
So the first horn is like,
"Rrrrh!"
Like, "I hate you."
But then the second horn is,
like, "eeh."
Like, "Excuse me,
the light is green."
Right?
- I'm just not sure
polite horn counts
as the car of the future.
- Okay, well, maybe we should
still write it down
so we don't forget it.
- What about some sort
of safety feature?
- I think you figured it out.
The all-new Payne
featuring a safety feature.
- All right, guys,
I think we need to step back
and ask ourself
what do people like about cars?
- You don't like cars?
- I mean, they're fine.
Sometimes I'm in a place,
and I need to go
to another place,
and cars help me do that.
- What?
- Cars are where form
meets function.
Name one other thing
that's utilitarian
while at the same time,
a fashion accessory,
a status symbol,
and a work of art.
- A wristwatch.
- Uh-huh.
That would be another one.
- Okay, for me,
a car is about freedom.
Once you get in that thing,
you can go anywhere you want.
- You've literally never left
Detroit in your entire life.
- Now, why would I wanna
leave Detroit, Sadie?
I just got Wi-Fi.
- Okay,
when people are buying cars,
they look at a bunch
of different factors.
There's fuel economy,
safety, price, comfort--
- Can I just say like
as a regular guy
who didn't go
to business school
or anything like that, I like
cars 'cause they're cool.
That is it.
They look cool.
They sound cool.
They are fun to drive.
That's why
I don't get why anybody ever
in their right mind would
want a self-driving car.
Driving is just fun.
- Well, someone's cuckoo
for car-nuts.
- You like cars
as much as I do.
- Not really, I don't know
why you'd say that.
- Well, because you got
Ferrari bedsheets
and a showerhead that's shaped
like a fuel nozzle.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
- Now, how you know what
her showerhead looks like?
- "Sexy Sadie,"
new nickname, boom!
I'm the best at nicknames.
- Hey, hey.
So should we get back
to the car we're supposed
to have redesigned and produced
in roughly five hours?
- Right, thank you.
Okay, new approach.
In pharma,
let's say that the patent
on your big pain pill is
about to expire.
Well, constipated
people get pain, too.
So you mix a little poop meds
in with your pain pill,
and next thing you know,
Rasputinol is making
$1.6 billion.
- I used to snort Rasputinol.
- Everyone did.
That's why it grossed 1.6.
- So you just wanna combine
like a bunch of cars?
- Well, no.
I mean, not whole cars,
just the best parts.
- Ooh, like an all-star team.
- Or like the Avengers.
- Yeah, I mean, I don't know
how many metaphors
that we need to say
to explain this.
- Frankenstein.
- So where are all
these random car parts
supposed to come from?
- These are
the employees' cars.
- Which they brought
onto company property.
You can do whatever
you want to something
if it's on your property.
- Legally speaking,
that's not--
- All right, everybody.
Let's go make a car.
Come on.
I like the two lights on this.
- Good to know.
Yeah, we can do that.
- ♪ Friday night's pay night,
guys fresh out of work ♪
- No, no, no.
- ♪ Heading home
to their families ♪
♪ Some are looking
to get hurt ♪
- There's gotta be a manual
or something.
- ♪ Wearing trouble
on their shirts ♪
- Like a screw or a bolt?
♪
- Here you go.
- Oh.
- You just pull these out!
Guys, just pull
these right out.
- ♪ All day long
I don't stop ♪
- Oh.
Sorry, there's a child,
sleeping child.
- No.
Yes, please.
Oh, that's nicer.
- You've been to 722 raves,
and you ain't picked up
nothing about lights?
- ♪ I met her at a dance down
at the union hall ♪
- This looks nice.
- Hey, don't take
their dry-cleaning.
- I wasn't.
I'm just looking.
- ♪ Sometimes we'd go walking
down the union tracks ♪
- There's a child here.
Anyone's child--small boy.
- What are you doing to my car?
- I'm stealing your hubcaps.
It's fine.
I'm the new CEO.
- ♪ Working on the highway
- Hey, could you
give me a hand?
Only take a sec.
- What do you need?
- Just hold this here
while I try to bolt it.
- Yep, fine.
- Just--yeah, right there.
- This here?
- Yeah, like right here.
- Okay, sure.
- Yeah, hold that in.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Just in there?
- Yeah, like right there.
- Okay.
- Nice support.
So in retrospect,
I think talking
about what your bedsheets
looked like,
yeah, that might've
been a mistake.
- It wasn't ideal.
- I'm sorry.
I would never--I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- I just--
- It should go without saying,
but don't bang in here, okay?
- Oh, no--
- No, no, that's not--we--
- I would never.
- You can bang in here later.
It's not a problem for me.
It's just, show's in an hour.
So no banging now.
I'm not a prude.
- Thank you all so much
for coming tonight.
I have been asked to introduce
our new female CEO.
- Is it good?
I can't tell.
- It is interesting.
- Yep, I mean, it's eclectic.
It's got a sort of
bohemian/rococo/steampunk vibe.
- I'm not sure
it's something I'd drive,
but you definitely have a car.
- What do you think?
- How do I put this?
It looks like something Bjork
would drive to the Oscars.
Mm-mm, scratch that.
It looks like if Bjork were
driving to the Oscars
and got into a head-on
collision with Blossom
on the way to prom,
and then the car was
reassembled by a blind villager
from a tribe
that had never seen technology
and a spider on LSD
who also had bad taste.
- Well, at least
it's not racist.
- Now, a number
of you might be wondering
why the board
put this woman in charge
when Paynes have been running
Payne Motors successfully
for over 100 years.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Wesley.
It's good stuff
to think about...
- Just unplug this
'cause I'ma keep my job.
- I am honored to get
to present the Ponderosa
to all of you today.
But I am a bit embarrassed
because truth is,
it was developed before
I started at the company.
Honestly,
and this is not false modesty,
I had nothing
to do with this car.
- Not a natural speaker,
is she?
- So ladies and gentlemen,
the car of the future,
the Ponderosa!
♪
- Oh, good.
We're raising expectations.
- Yes.
- ♪ Get your motor runnin'
♪ Head out on the highway
♪ Looking for adventure
♪ In whatever comes our way
- All right, how about that?
Cyrus, maybe you want
to explain your vision to us?
- Oh, no, no, mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Come on, mate, tell them
all about your cool car--ow.
- What a beauty, huh?
I believe it was inspired
by the platypus.
- Is this what a typical day
in the life
of an executive is like?
- Yep, basically.
- I think it is endangered.
- Is it what you expected?
- Yep, pretty much it.
At least I got
to design my own car.
That was pretty cool.
- Yeah, sure.
Who wouldn't want
to design their own car?
- I'm not sure if they live
on land or water...
- Excuse me.
- Actually.
So it's one of those two.
I don't think it's an air--ah!
Anyway, enough from me.
Let me hand it to our director
of comm--mark--something,
Sadie...Mc--
- Thanks.
I just wanted to say
we knew it would be a challenge
to create the world's
first-ever
modular customizable vehicle
where the buyer chooses
the parts themselves
because when everyone gets
to design their own car,
sometimes it'll come out great,
and sometimes
it'll come out like this.
- Exactly, thank you.
I was getting to this.
The point is
we're all different.
So our cars will
reflect the diversity
of the melting pot
that is America,
and also international.
The Ponderosa!
- ♪ Get your motor runnin'
♪ Head out on the highway
- Now what's the share price?
- Hong Kong Exchange is 28 1/4.
- Resign, resign, resign.
I'm just kidding.
- Look, if they'd loved it,
there'd be nowhere
to go but down.
It's like in pharma.
You don't start
with boner pills.
You start with hypertension,
move your way up to boners.
- That's a beautiful sentiment.
- Almost poetic.
- Excuse me.
- So would you like to tell us
which ethnic minority group
you're gonna be targeting next?
- Do you guys like my jacket?
No one said anything about it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's with the box?
- Oh, I'm just
cleaning out my locker.
- Wait, you're leaving?
If this is
about the truck plant thing,
that was just an offer.
Like, you don't have to go.
- Why?
You scared you'll miss me?
- Please.
15,000 people work here.
It's not like we'll be running
into each other
in the halls, so--
- Oh, hey just take
any open desk.
- Oh, cool, cool.
- Wait, what?
What's happening?
- Oh, I bumped him upstairs.
It feels like we could use
a little blue-collar
perspective up here.
Oh, that's my Uber.
I don't know how to drive.
Night.
- Well, I guess we'll be seeing
each other occasionally.
It's gonna be fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
is changing.
Payne Motors has been
making cars for 100 years,
but until now,
all our CEOs have been men
and members
of the Payne family.
- Well, I didn't want the job.
- They didn't offer
you the job.
- Because they knew
I didn't want it.
- Anyway, today we are--
- You can sit.
I don't need, like,
a whole big intro.
I just had a little bit--
I just wanna
keep things moving.
All right,
so someone bring me up to speed
on this self-driving car
that we are announcing.
- Yes.
The Ponderosa will be Payne's
first fully autonomous vehicle.
It has seven key innovations--
- I don't wanna
interrupt your flow.
I just have one question,
the name Ponderosa,
do we like it?
- It tested well.
- Really?
Yeah, to me, it sounds like
ponderous, like dull,
you know,
like a dull, ponderous car.
- It comes from
the Ponderosa pine tree.
- Do people wanna drive a tree?
- We're not saying
that it is a tree.
It's just, like, a vibe.
- Yeah.
There's also the Ponderosa
lemon and the Ponderosa snails.
- But aren't snails like
the slowest animal,
and also a lemon?
I mean, isn't that what people
call a car that sucks?
Sounds like we're saying
it's like a dull,
slow, bad tree-car.
- Yeah, you know, I've gotta
say, I agree with you.
You know,
I think the name's crap.
- Do you?
- Yes, I do.
I've always thought that.
- Have you?
- Yes.
- To me, it sounds dirty.
Like, pon sounds like poon,
which means vagina,
and de rosa means "of pink."
So I just picture a giant pink
vagina on wheels.
- That's probably why
it tested so well.
- The name isn't important.
We've made advancements
in sensor fusion
and scene recognition
that will revolutionize--
- Wasn't there a car that meant
something bad in Spanish?
- Yeah.
Quite a few of them actually.
There's the Chevy Nova,
the Mazda Laputa,
the Mitsubishi Pajero.
- You'd think these companies
would hire at least one guy
who spoke Spanish.
- Does anyone here
speak Spanish?
- Jesus, people.
♪
- My great-grandfather would be
rolling over in his grave
if he saw that woman running
the company that he founded.
- Oh, because he hated women?
- I thought he
hated communists.
- No, I think it was Irishmen.
- No.
It's because she knows nothing
about the auto industry.
- She did pretty well
with that drug company.
- Exactly.
She's literally a drug dealer.
I wouldn't let my drug dealer
run a billion-dollar
corporation.
Actually, with him, I might.
He's like low-key genius.
- I just never worked
for a woman before.
You know, with a man,
if I make a mistake,
I can flirt a little,
but you cannot flirt
with a woman.
Well, I guess you can,
technically.
We're about 95% sure
about my cousin.
- Hello.
- She just bought two ladders.
- You'll be fine, all right?
If anyone's gonna be fired,
it's probably gonna be me.
- Or me.
- Yeah.
Actually, I really hope
it is you.
- I can totally see it
being you, dude.
- Now that you said it
out loud, I was thinking it.
- And another feature
of the Payne Ponderosa
is it's--how do you say this?
Chassis, chass-ees?
- Chass-y.
- Chass-y, oh, like gassy.
I was feeling very gassy
when I got on my chassy.
Chassy.
- Perfect.
And then
before you introduce the car,
I thought you might wanna
say a few words
about what made you excited
to come to Payne?
- Oh, I can do that
in two words, the money.
I mean, obviously,
it wasn't just the money.
There were stock options.
- Right, well,
maybe just more what you love
about cars then in general.
- Honestly, I'm not
really that into cars.
I mean, if anything,
I think is kind of weird
how some people
fetishize transportation.
- Right.
Well, that could be a challenge
leading a car company.
- I actually think it's better
if you're not that
into what you're selling.
It's, like, if you're really
into heroin, don't sell heroin.
Go into a different field,
you know?
Why, are you like some kind
of crazy car person?
- Me?
Oh, no, not really.
I mean, define car person,
right?
Do I appreciate cars?
Sure.
Do I love them?
I mean, define love.
Define cars for that matter.
Anyways, so the analysts,
they get here at 5:00.
So if you want--
- Who's that guy?
- I don't know.
It's some worker.
He looks lost.
- Seems like he needs
to talk to you.
- Does he?
- Mm-hmm.
- That's weird.
Okay, now I'll go--okay.
Go see whoever
the heck that is.
And we'll continue this
on the B side, Katherine.
- Grassy Shirley Bassey
got on her chassy.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I just needed
to talk to you.
Do you know I've never been up
to this level--
- Just--haven't you--
- This place is really nice.
- Yes, please get in.
Look, I am sorry.
Last week, that was fun,
but it was a mistake.
- Oh, you told me.
- We have this new boss.
And it would look really bad
for me
to be involved
with a guy from the factory.
Sorry, not the factory.
Just anyone who works here.
- Are you trying
to have me transferred
to the truck plant in Westland?
- Hm?
- Yeah.
I thought maybe you felt weird
about having me around
after--well, you know,
and you want to get rid of me.
- No, that was not me.
- Are you sure?
Because my supervisor
said it was you.
- Oh, Westland?
- Westland.
- Westland?
- Westland.
- Yes, no, what happened was
that we got this call asking
for a new day shift operator
in the Westland,
and I heard you're the best.
- Really?
Who do you hear that from?
- Lots of people.
- Was one of them Shawn?
- Yes, Shawn.
- Yes.
- He loves you.
- Okay, which Shawn was it?
- I do not know his last name--
- 'Cause we don't have
a single Shawn that works here.
- I find that hard to believe.
- In a way, being the CEO would
have been the easy way out.
I'm able to be more effective
as a consultant.
- Mm-hmm.
- Dori.
If anyone calls,
I'll be down at the test track.
- Okay.
- And can you handle
whatever A/V stuff we need
for the presentation
this afternoon?
- Me?
The most technology I know
how to use is my hair curler
and my vibrator.
Right?
Mm, but I will figure it out
because I'm a professional.
- Great.
- Great.
- Great?
Oh, my God.
If I was CEO,
I would have said "Make it so."
She's so generic.
It's, like,
super embarrassing.
♪
- So does this self-driving car
actually drive anywhere?
- How do I put this in drive?
- It's voice-controlled.
Oh, baby, drive us
around the block.
- You're calling it "baby"?
Seems a bit misogynistic.
- How is that misogynistic?
- 'Cause you can't
call women "baby."
- But it's not a woman.
It's a car.
- All cars are women.
Everyone knows that.
Like, "She's a beauty.
Let's take her for a spin."
- Well, this car
is a man, okay?
- Figures,
first car to do the driving,
and it's a man.
- Oh, Cyrus,
where is the break?
- Don't need one.
Watch.
- That's kinda neat.
It's like a Roomba.
- Well, not unless your Roomba
can create a 3D map of the road
and then uses machine learning
algorithms to identify...
but yeah, essentially,
it's just like a big Roomba.
- Yeah, it's like a Roomba.
- See our new overlord?
Katherine?
Sounds like someone
who uses a catheter.
- Sick burn, man.
- Thanks.
Hey, if there's
a power struggle,
factory's Team Wesley, right?
- You know, most of us
just punch in and out,
don't get involved
in that type of thing.
- Got it, neutral.
Respect.
But I'm telling you, man,
Ewell Payne would not have
wanted that woman
running his company.
- Why?
Is she Jewish or something?
- Ugh, God.
- Cyrus, there's someone--
- Don't worry, we'll stop.
Just as soon as we--
- Stop it.
- It'll stop.
- Stop it.
- There's no break!
- Baby, stop!
- Ahh!
Ahh!
- Now, let me put it
under your elbow.
It helps with pain.
- I'm okay, I'm okay.
They didn't hit me that hard.
- We think we know
what caused the accident.
- Alleged accident.
- Right.
I may have coincidentally
fallen totally on my own.
- Could be.
- Okay.
Well, you know how I was saying
that the car identifies objects
using machine learning?
Well, the operative word is--
- Machine.
- Learning.
See, it still confuses
with dark tones with shadows.
So occasionally, certain darker
optics come off as not there.
- And by darker objects,
do you mean--
- Like a black cat,
or a dark blue car,
or darker brown skin.
- So you've made a car
that hits Black people?
- No, no, no.
Not intentionally.
- Oh!
- Be your own people.
- What would Ewell Payne
have said if he saw
that we designed
the world's first racist car?
- "Well done," probably.
- The car's not racist.
Race is about a shared culture,
history, and traditions.
This just doesn't
see darker skin.
It hit Indian folk, too.
- Oh, thank God.
I thought for a moment
that we built a car
that wouldn't
hit Indian people.
- How are you just
figuring this out now?
In the pharmaceutical industry,
we would test a product
before we announced it.
- Didn't stop all those babies
from being born without heads.
- They had heads.
They just weren't attached
to their bodies.
- We tested it, but
the cardboard cutout thingies
we tested it on were all white.
- Well, why don't we get
some black cardboard cutout
thingies, you know, inclusion?
- Thank you for being an ally.
- His words.
- Y'all know what this is,
right?
This is white privilege.
When you're white,
Band-Aids look good on you.
Hell, even a cheap shampoo
at the hotel works for you.
Do y'all know
the automatic soap dispensers
in the restrooms
don't even work for me?
- Those are push-button.
- Say what now?
- They're push-button.
- Just go like this--
- Yeah.
- And they come--okay.
- Just press it.
- Well, I've been
bringing my own soap,
and I actually like it.
- Okay, we need to figure out
how we're gonna handle this.
This presentation
is in six hours,
and we can't just cancel it.
- Okay, what if we
painted the car black?
Optics-wise, I think
a white car that hits
Black people looks worse
than a black car
that hits Black people.
- I think any car
that targets people
based on their race
would look pretty not great.
- Especially since
Black Lives Matter.
- To be fair,
it would have been bad
before Black Lives Matter, too.
- Right, but like,
now we understand that also.
- Okay, the analysts don't know
that the car
is self-driving, right?
That's the big reveal?
Okay, so maybe we just think
of some other features.
- In six hours?
- I'm sure nothing will be
as innovative and exciting
as your Klanmobile over there,
but let's not let the perfect
be the enemy of the good.
You should come.
- Me?
- Him, why?
Why him?
- Well, because I would
like his perspective.
Plus, we just hit him
with a car in a way
that might be perceived
as a hate crime.
And so you're part of this now.
- Good, now tell me this,
would the car also
hit a white person
if they was in blackface?
- Yeah, probably.
- Right on!
- Lead with that, say that.
- So it's not all bad.
- Silver lining.
- How is this my fault?
I licensed the AI.
I didn't program it
from scratch.
- No one's saying
it's your fault.
- But sure, blame the Black guy
for systemic racism,
and then ask the Black guy
to fix the systemic racism.
Do you know how much
pressure that puts on me?
- Is it a lot?
- It is a lot.
- Yeah.
- And FYI, I didn't test it
on non-white cutouts
'cause we don't have
non-white cutouts.
You know why?
- Why?
- Because of systemic racism.
- Yeah.
Well, at least you're not being
forced to work on a project
with a new boss
you're trying to impress
and a subordinate
you just had sex with.
- Hot assembly line-guy?
- Yeah.
- Shut up, when?
- Greg's retirement party.
I'd had a few drinks,
and he's very attractive.
Katherine already thinks
I'm some car-obsessed fangirl.
Now she's also gonna think I
can't keep my pants on at work.
- Look, there's like 15,000
people who work here.
After today,
he'll go back to the line.
She's never gonna find out.
- I never even flirt
with coworkers.
The one time I make a mistake,
and I'm stuck with it
forever like herpes.
- A lot of people have herpes.
It's not that big
a deal anymore.
- What?
He didn't give me herpes.
- Who'd you get it from then?
- Okay, so what about
if we had a second horn
that's like a polite horn.
So the first horn is like,
"Rrrrh!"
Like, "I hate you."
But then the second horn is,
like, "eeh."
Like, "Excuse me,
the light is green."
Right?
- I'm just not sure
polite horn counts
as the car of the future.
- Okay, well, maybe we should
still write it down
so we don't forget it.
- What about some sort
of safety feature?
- I think you figured it out.
The all-new Payne
featuring a safety feature.
- All right, guys,
I think we need to step back
and ask ourself
what do people like about cars?
- You don't like cars?
- I mean, they're fine.
Sometimes I'm in a place,
and I need to go
to another place,
and cars help me do that.
- What?
- Cars are where form
meets function.
Name one other thing
that's utilitarian
while at the same time,
a fashion accessory,
a status symbol,
and a work of art.
- A wristwatch.
- Uh-huh.
That would be another one.
- Okay, for me,
a car is about freedom.
Once you get in that thing,
you can go anywhere you want.
- You've literally never left
Detroit in your entire life.
- Now, why would I wanna
leave Detroit, Sadie?
I just got Wi-Fi.
- Okay,
when people are buying cars,
they look at a bunch
of different factors.
There's fuel economy,
safety, price, comfort--
- Can I just say like
as a regular guy
who didn't go
to business school
or anything like that, I like
cars 'cause they're cool.
That is it.
They look cool.
They sound cool.
They are fun to drive.
That's why
I don't get why anybody ever
in their right mind would
want a self-driving car.
Driving is just fun.
- Well, someone's cuckoo
for car-nuts.
- You like cars
as much as I do.
- Not really, I don't know
why you'd say that.
- Well, because you got
Ferrari bedsheets
and a showerhead that's shaped
like a fuel nozzle.
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
- Now, how you know what
her showerhead looks like?
- "Sexy Sadie,"
new nickname, boom!
I'm the best at nicknames.
- Hey, hey.
So should we get back
to the car we're supposed
to have redesigned and produced
in roughly five hours?
- Right, thank you.
Okay, new approach.
In pharma,
let's say that the patent
on your big pain pill is
about to expire.
Well, constipated
people get pain, too.
So you mix a little poop meds
in with your pain pill,
and next thing you know,
Rasputinol is making
$1.6 billion.
- I used to snort Rasputinol.
- Everyone did.
That's why it grossed 1.6.
- So you just wanna combine
like a bunch of cars?
- Well, no.
I mean, not whole cars,
just the best parts.
- Ooh, like an all-star team.
- Or like the Avengers.
- Yeah, I mean, I don't know
how many metaphors
that we need to say
to explain this.
- Frankenstein.
- So where are all
these random car parts
supposed to come from?
- These are
the employees' cars.
- Which they brought
onto company property.
You can do whatever
you want to something
if it's on your property.
- Legally speaking,
that's not--
- All right, everybody.
Let's go make a car.
Come on.
I like the two lights on this.
- Good to know.
Yeah, we can do that.
- ♪ Friday night's pay night,
guys fresh out of work ♪
- No, no, no.
- ♪ Heading home
to their families ♪
♪ Some are looking
to get hurt ♪
- There's gotta be a manual
or something.
- ♪ Wearing trouble
on their shirts ♪
- Like a screw or a bolt?
♪
- Here you go.
- Oh.
- You just pull these out!
Guys, just pull
these right out.
- ♪ All day long
I don't stop ♪
- Oh.
Sorry, there's a child,
sleeping child.
- No.
Yes, please.
Oh, that's nicer.
- You've been to 722 raves,
and you ain't picked up
nothing about lights?
- ♪ I met her at a dance down
at the union hall ♪
- This looks nice.
- Hey, don't take
their dry-cleaning.
- I wasn't.
I'm just looking.
- ♪ Sometimes we'd go walking
down the union tracks ♪
- There's a child here.
Anyone's child--small boy.
- What are you doing to my car?
- I'm stealing your hubcaps.
It's fine.
I'm the new CEO.
- ♪ Working on the highway
- Hey, could you
give me a hand?
Only take a sec.
- What do you need?
- Just hold this here
while I try to bolt it.
- Yep, fine.
- Just--yeah, right there.
- This here?
- Yeah, like right here.
- Okay, sure.
- Yeah, hold that in.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm, yeah.
- Just in there?
- Yeah, like right there.
- Okay.
- Nice support.
So in retrospect,
I think talking
about what your bedsheets
looked like,
yeah, that might've
been a mistake.
- It wasn't ideal.
- I'm sorry.
I would never--I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- I just--
- It should go without saying,
but don't bang in here, okay?
- Oh, no--
- No, no, that's not--we--
- I would never.
- You can bang in here later.
It's not a problem for me.
It's just, show's in an hour.
So no banging now.
I'm not a prude.
- Thank you all so much
for coming tonight.
I have been asked to introduce
our new female CEO.
- Is it good?
I can't tell.
- It is interesting.
- Yep, I mean, it's eclectic.
It's got a sort of
bohemian/rococo/steampunk vibe.
- I'm not sure
it's something I'd drive,
but you definitely have a car.
- What do you think?
- How do I put this?
It looks like something Bjork
would drive to the Oscars.
Mm-mm, scratch that.
It looks like if Bjork were
driving to the Oscars
and got into a head-on
collision with Blossom
on the way to prom,
and then the car was
reassembled by a blind villager
from a tribe
that had never seen technology
and a spider on LSD
who also had bad taste.
- Well, at least
it's not racist.
- Now, a number
of you might be wondering
why the board
put this woman in charge
when Paynes have been running
Payne Motors successfully
for over 100 years.
Thank you.
- Thank you, Wesley.
It's good stuff
to think about...
- Just unplug this
'cause I'ma keep my job.
- I am honored to get
to present the Ponderosa
to all of you today.
But I am a bit embarrassed
because truth is,
it was developed before
I started at the company.
Honestly,
and this is not false modesty,
I had nothing
to do with this car.
- Not a natural speaker,
is she?
- So ladies and gentlemen,
the car of the future,
the Ponderosa!
♪
- Oh, good.
We're raising expectations.
- Yes.
- ♪ Get your motor runnin'
♪ Head out on the highway
♪ Looking for adventure
♪ In whatever comes our way
- All right, how about that?
Cyrus, maybe you want
to explain your vision to us?
- Oh, no, no, mm-mm, mm-mm.
- Come on, mate, tell them
all about your cool car--ow.
- What a beauty, huh?
I believe it was inspired
by the platypus.
- Is this what a typical day
in the life
of an executive is like?
- Yep, basically.
- I think it is endangered.
- Is it what you expected?
- Yep, pretty much it.
At least I got
to design my own car.
That was pretty cool.
- Yeah, sure.
Who wouldn't want
to design their own car?
- I'm not sure if they live
on land or water...
- Excuse me.
- Actually.
So it's one of those two.
I don't think it's an air--ah!
Anyway, enough from me.
Let me hand it to our director
of comm--mark--something,
Sadie...Mc--
- Thanks.
I just wanted to say
we knew it would be a challenge
to create the world's
first-ever
modular customizable vehicle
where the buyer chooses
the parts themselves
because when everyone gets
to design their own car,
sometimes it'll come out great,
and sometimes
it'll come out like this.
- Exactly, thank you.
I was getting to this.
The point is
we're all different.
So our cars will
reflect the diversity
of the melting pot
that is America,
and also international.
The Ponderosa!
- ♪ Get your motor runnin'
♪ Head out on the highway
- Now what's the share price?
- Hong Kong Exchange is 28 1/4.
- Resign, resign, resign.
I'm just kidding.
- Look, if they'd loved it,
there'd be nowhere
to go but down.
It's like in pharma.
You don't start
with boner pills.
You start with hypertension,
move your way up to boners.
- That's a beautiful sentiment.
- Almost poetic.
- Excuse me.
- So would you like to tell us
which ethnic minority group
you're gonna be targeting next?
- Do you guys like my jacket?
No one said anything about it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- What's with the box?
- Oh, I'm just
cleaning out my locker.
- Wait, you're leaving?
If this is
about the truck plant thing,
that was just an offer.
Like, you don't have to go.
- Why?
You scared you'll miss me?
- Please.
15,000 people work here.
It's not like we'll be running
into each other
in the halls, so--
- Oh, hey just take
any open desk.
- Oh, cool, cool.
- Wait, what?
What's happening?
- Oh, I bumped him upstairs.
It feels like we could use
a little blue-collar
perspective up here.
Oh, that's my Uber.
I don't know how to drive.
Night.
- Well, I guess we'll be seeing
each other occasionally.
It's gonna be fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.