Ambassadors (2013): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Rabbit Never Escapes - full transcript

Wolves come.

Breathe out when you
squeeze the trigger.

Shooting ibex very
bad. Big trouble.

National animal.
Dead. Big disgrace.

The Tazbeks are kind and
generous hosts. Their care

and consideration for their guests
is renowned throughout the world.

Dollars. Proper money.

What about when they find ibex?

Blame the Frenchman.

absolutely within your sight.

Absolutely straight,
that's the way to do it.



Bonjour. Missed again?

Yep. Looks like it. Any
luck yourself? Of course.

I've got it - the hunter in Bugs
Bunny. That's who you remind me of.

What was his name?

Elmer Fudd. Exactly, Elmer Fudd.

You must er... breathe out
when you squeeze the trigger.

I tried. We can't
all be so formidable.

]

Uh-huh.

Hi, Rochelle.

Spasiba. Dosvedanya.

Simon Broughton - our friend
at Global Human Rights

was arrested two days
ago up in Besh-kara.

Oh, fucking idiot! We told
him not to go up there.



I know. They've brought
him back to prison here.

I think we should go and see
him there, Neil, and soon.

So that they know that we know.

It's late. I'll have to
call the Foreign Ministry.

They can get us in.

Isn't Jamatt on the
hunting trip with the prez?

Yeah. But I know his cousin.

I was going to see
Tanya. I'm sorry.

But not even Broughton deserves
to end up the bunk wife

of some Tazbek gang boss.
Although it would give him

a powerful new insight
into human rights abuses.

A toast to the mighty ibex.

Great symbol of our nation.

The mighty ibex!
Great symbol of the nation.

Please tell the president that
I very much look forward to

hearing his views on our
new helicopter, Jamatt.

The rabbit never escapes!

That's right. It never escapes.

I gather the president has
a detailed understanding

of military hardware.

I couldn't help noticing that
the US ambassador isn't here.

I do hope she didn't
decline your invitation?

This is no place for a woman.

Hmm.

Hmm.

The ambassador.

How's it going? Surviving?

Can you talk? Wh-where are you?

I'm in prison with Caitlin.
My God! What happened?

No, it's just a consular visit.

Please don't. We've
got the toasts.

Tell me the order
of the toasts again.

Didn't you learn them?

Yes, I did. Remind me.

The first is to the great
nation of Tazbekistan.

Yep. Start with an easy one.

Second is to the
president. Yeah.

Third is the war one - to
those who never returned.

Uh-huh. Hang on. "Those
who never returned."

Fourth is to women.

Women - fourth. I
always forget women.

Then the president's family.

Yep. No. Wait.

Then nuclear disarmament.

OK. That's a good one.

Then the mighty ibex. Seventh.
Don't forget that one.

They take that seriously.

Believe me - I won't
forget that one.

Finally you toast the
huntsmen. And then the horses.

And then it all starts over.

Have you eaten the ox
penis or duck embryo yet?

What?

Once you're through all
that, the end is in sight.

Look... er... can
you phone Jennifer

and tell her I won't
be back tonight?

Er, OK. Isn't that
better coming from you?

I don't want her to hear me
like this. I can hardly see.

No, no, you're right,
I'll phone her.

You phone her. And
I'll phone her too.

What do you make of him?

I like HER.

H-hi. It's... it's me.

I'm afraid I may not be able
to make it home tonight.

Yeah. I think I suspected
that a while ago.

Are you OK?

We're-we're all being held hostage
and slowly killed with vodka.

If I don't survive this, I want
you to know that I love you.

I will always love you. And you
can have my record collection.

And my Canaries football
match programmes.

When you die, I get
everything anyway, don't I?

Still out here?

Just taking the air.

Have you been sent
out, excluded?

Elmer, you bastard. I will
not take this lying down.

The Elysee Palace will
not take this lying down.

Oh, don't be like that!

C'mon. I'll see if I
can get you back in.

I'll have a word.

They wanted the names of my
local contacts - the people

who drew up the lists of the missing
or those who've been tortured.

Claim to have. There's
ample proof and you know it.

My arrest confirms that
I was on the right track.

Simon, we warned you of the possible
consequences if you went up there.

Shooting your mouth off.

Whole families are being executed
or burned in their homes.

The world needs to know.

Though I'm sure you lot would
rather they were kept quiet

so you can get on with your
grubby commercial deals.

Please don't try to tell
us what our priorities are.

They're the same as
always, aren't they?

I am personally hugely opposed to
this country's human rights abuses

as is Her Majesty's Government.

So how long do you
reckon until I'm out?

Your charges will
be announced soon.

But you have to understand the
limit to our powers, Simon.

There's an independent
justice system here

which we can't interfere with.

The days when we could get what

we wanted by sending in a
gunboat are sadly behind us.

If you're very lucky, they'll
make you sweat for a bit,

then put you on the
first flight home.

To
nuclear disarmament.

No helicopter
contracts for them.

No.

Ha-ha!

Your toast, Excellency.

Ah, yes.

Er...

To...

To...

To women!

We've done women.

Yes. Of course.

Not-not women. Er, no.
Not-not-not them, no.

Erm. To... the president's

nuclear... family...
of huntsmen.

To the mighty ibex - that the
French man over there shot.

The mighty ibex.

The mighty ibex.

I had coffee with the new
US Trade guy this morning.

He told me that they're
definitely out of the running

on the helicopter contracts.

Yeah, morning, Isabel.
I'm fine, thanks.

So it's just between
us and the French.

Yeah. Shall I let
the ambassador know?

No. I think it's much
clearer if I do that.

Then we keep everybody in
the loop. Is he back yet?

He's still on the
president's hunting trip.

How many days is that now? Six.

The president likes to use it
as a sort of endurance test

for new diplomats.

Does the ambassador know that?

I'm sure he's finding out.

Neil. Hello, Keith.

I don't feel quite
the full ticket.

Hello, Sergei.

How are you, sir?

I'm never doing that again.

No wonder the US ambassador
declined her invite.

The president didn't invite her.

He'd never dare put her through
that sort of humiliation.

I've postponed all your
meetings this morning,

and put a bucket by your bed.

But I'm afraid you've got a Sec-view
with The Prince of Darkness at 2.00.

He wants to talk helicopters.

And we're still waiting to hear
what charges will be brought

against our human rights friend.
If he's survived the night.

Let's go. Can't we
go? I want to go.

We're waiting for Natalia. She's
meeting Stephen Pembridge. Huh?

The actor that the
British Council have sent.

He's here for the Best
of British Festival.

This will make you feel better.

Hair of the dog.

Well, I can't feel any worse.

I was wrong.

Ah, it's me. Hello.

Mr Pembridge, what an
honour it is to meet you.

Thank you. Please call me
Stephen. You must be... Natalia?

Yes. Nice to meet you.

I hope you don't mind
the photographers.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm very
used to media attention.

It's great to meet you.

I'm here to make sure you
get everything you need.

Gosh. Lucky me.

The ambassador has just
returned from an important trip

with the president.

No doubt some massive
diplomatic piss-up.

No. It's an important
opportunity for His Excellency

to exchange ideas
with the president.

Don't pretend to me that you
can't get raisins, Ludmilla.

No. Oh c'mon, of course you can.

There are a whole load of things
you can't get in this country,

but dried fruit
isn't one of them.

What is this Echoes
cake you want to make?

I'm not going to make it, you're
going to make it. It's Eccles cake.

There you are.
Christ, what happened?

You're five days late.

I've been detained at His
Excellency's pleasure.

I go now. No. Now that you're here,
perhaps you could persuade Ludmilla

to embrace our Best of British menu
with a little bit more enthusiasm.

I won't make this pie.

I am not having plov again.

Oh, don't insult their
plov, for God's sake.

I'll talk to her.

Are you all right? Let's
have a look at you.

Sergei gave me a pull-through.

It tasted like runoff
from a nuclear leak.

Hmm. Knowing this
place, it probably was.

What happened? I was
worried about you.

The inside of the plane on the
way home was like the last act

of an Elizabethan tragedy,
but with more sick.

Go "ah".

Aaah.

Just try not to drink
for the rest of the year.

I'm going to have a
lie down. Good idea.

If Sergei's here, can I
get a lift to the hospital?

Yeah. Keith, don't go to bed.
You're on with POD in 15.

'The new MH67 Contusion
Helicopter carries, as standard,

'40 Venom HE missiles,
2,00030mm armour-piercing rounds

'and has a nose-mounted sensor
suite for target acquisition.'

Why have they sent us a
copy of The Living Planet?

"Viewers are warned
that they may find"

"some of the content
distressing."

I fear the target
has been acquired.

And how many of these machines
are we hoping they order?

35. And my guess is the regime won't
be exclusively targeting rabbits.

Well, at £43 million pounds a
pop - no wonder London's keen.

It's time.

Christ! Davis, what happened to
you? A hard night on the plov?

Neil, you're meant to
be looking after him.

I've spent the last week
buttering up the president.

Er...

Great to be invited on one
of his retreats so early.

So the helicopter contract
is between us and the French?

Er... y-yes. The last few days
of intense lobbying went well

I think - went very well.

As my DipTel this
week will make clear.

All sorts of nods and winks
from the president's number two.

Can you show me what one of
those nods and winks look like?

Do one for me.

Oh for God's sake, don't
be so literal. I'm joking.

Please take this seriously.

I-I know these
are serious winks.

The British helicopters
presentation went incredibly well.

Er, we've just been
watching the DVD.

Enjoyed watching the rabbit being
vaporised from 70 miles away.

Watership Down meets
Apocalypse Now.

And now I've managed
to secure Jamatt's

acceptance of a
dinner invitation.

Just before the contract is
announced. Jamatt's the number two?

Yes. The president's "representative
on Earth." His nephew.

I will be reiterating the technical
superiority of our machine.

My daughter's hamster knows our helicopters
are better than the French ones.

This is Central Asia -
we need to offer them

the chance of a place
at the top table.

I was just coming to that.
I'll be impressing on them

the fact that Her Majesty's
Government is vitally interested

in the security of the president's
regime in this difficult region.

Yes, good. And that we will do
anything to help our new friends

become more politically secure,

as well as increasingly globally
economically vibrant. Yes. Good.

And my dinner with Jamatt
should be the icing on cake.

And the French?

No meeting. No
icing. No cake even.

So how will they respond?

Who?

The French.

Oh. Er...

Come on, come on, come on!

This is a $2 billion
helicopter contract.

Do you think they'll just
shrug and walk away? No.

No. They'll respond
in their usual way.

They'll come out kicking,
cheating, biting and eye-gouging.

Precisely. And what will
your response to that be?

Well, perhaps if you could send
a senior minister out here.

Oh, be sensible. No-one
wants to go to Tazbekistan.

You sound like your predecessor.

No. We need to win this contract
because these 'Stans are the future.

I want you to get very close
to this president, Davis.

Sniff the armpit.
But not too close.

I don't want any embarrassing
Blair-Gaddafi handshakes.

Close enough to be able to find
out what they want from us,

and what we want from them -
that's the policy - but with enough

distance to be able to extricate
ourselves if things go tits up.

Gotcha. Close but
distant. That's it.

Michael's often
like that with me.

I always come away better informed,
if not actually any wiser.

Er, Neil, I...

I've been meaning to ask,

what do you think happened
to my predecessor?

Ah, I don't know. I mean,
he was a keen walker.

But isn't it strange that
they never found the body?

Not if you've seen
the mountains here.

Someone did say that they'd
spotted him in Islamabad,

dressed as a woman.

To be honest - knowing him - I
don't think we can rule that out.

Erm. I was thinking I should
learn to speak Tazbek.

Good idea. Good luck.

Isabel, your key task is to find out
what the French are up to on this.

How are they going to try
and sweeten their deal?

They usually send a minister,
20 bottles of vintage champagne

and tickets to Roland Garros.

Let's have our Scotch
and Centre Court ready.

I'll talk to the other
embassies. Dig around.

I can point you in the
direction of some journalists.

They always know
more than we do.

Right, moving on. Update on
the Best of British Festival.

There's a traditional British
dinner in the residence.

I gather Jennifer and
Ludmilla are in negotiations

about what that might
actually involve.

The last thing I heard, Jenny
was trying to explain meringues.

Natalia, what other British
Food events have we got?

Delia, Jamie, Heston?

We have a man coming from a company
in Kent called Pig Delicious.

He will show us how
a pork pie is made.

I don't want to know that.

Is it wise to invite a pork
expert to a Muslim country?

You can get pork
everywhere here.

The man will also bring with him
15 different types of chutney.

OK. Great. I like chutney,
as much as the next man.

Any music? Sting? Adele?

Finally Iron Maiden?
Surely? This time.

Showing your age.

A group called
Rattlebag will come

and perform English medieval
dance music from Gloucestershire.

That will be very good.

Shall we change the title to The
Best of British Shite Festival?

And best of all, The British
Council have sponsored

a visit from the great British
actor - Stephen Pembridge.

Terrific. What's he been in?

He's the guy we picked
up from the airport.

Oh, that guy.

He's won numerous Grand Prix, Drama
Mask and Golden Curtain awards.

But what's he going to perform?

A new version of Mary Shelley's
Frankenstein. The British Council

said it was "unlike anything
else they have seen."

Well done, Natalia.

I know it isn't at all easy
coaxing people out to this

part of the world.

How's Dad?

He's fine, darling,
he's a bit...

It's Daisy.

Hi, Dad.

Daisy-Maisy - how's school?

It's OK, I suppose. How's
the life of a top diplomat?

I don't know. If you
can find one, ask him.

Dad, do we have to do that
stupid joke every time?

And I'm not Daisy-Maisy
any more either.

We can't wait to see you
at half term, darling.

Look, guys, I don't know

if I want to go all the way to the
middle of nowhere for six days.

It's not nowhere here.

Can't I just stay in
England? With Suze.

Her parents said they'd put me
up. They love me. They said yes.

Well, we love you, darling. And
we've bought your ticket now.

So it's not really
up for discussion.

Why am I never
consulted on this?

I'm the one that has to schlep
out all the way to Pissfana.

Iskfana.

Look, I'd better go and
finish my French prep.

I had to get special
permission to do this.

It's been real. Well
when are we going to...?

I miss her.

Even when she's like that?

Yes. She's like that
because we're here.

She's like that
because she's 13.

'80S

You've got no taste
in music, Neil.

Thanks for your advice, Kevin.

When I've got a question
about oil, I'll let you know.

How about this, Neil, to find
out what the French are up to?

In my last post to Madrid, I got to
know the French Trade guy. Right.

He trained in Paris with the Head
of Consular at the embassy here. OK.

So maybe I should
call him? Yeah. Maybe.

You see the little
guy over there

talking to the Special Forces with
the fat neck? Drinking coffee?

That's Sam, the French
ambassador's driver.

Why's he drinking coffee, at
this time of night, do you think?

IN RUSSIAN

Tanya, why is Sam on the
coffee and off the Cointreau?

I think he's going to airport.

He's going to the airport.

Will you talk to her and make
sure she comes out at half-term?

Yes. Course she will.

I'm so conflicted on this.

I really want to see her - I do
- but I know that she's going to

come out here, have a miserable
time and then resent me for it.

No, she won't. We'll, we'll
lay on some stuff for her.

We'll make it fun.

Yeah, but her friends aren't here,
and there are no shopping centres.

What's she going to do?

There's the circus.

Ah!

I thought Sergei fixed
this light? He did.

Is there any news on my piano?
I really want to play it.

They're tracking the baggage.
Apparently it's made it to Cairo.

I heard you sent a report on
the current helicopter situation

straight to the MOD?

Yeah, I know Dan
Coleridge over there.

Mmmm. I asked you to run any
drafting past me, Isabel. Remember?

Yes. Sorry. You were at
the Foreign Ministry.

So I ran it passed the ambassador
instead. Is that not OK?

How are you finding
it here? This country?

Fascinating. An adventure.
Everything I'd hoped it would be.

There are some real
opportunities here, aren't there?

The weather's OK now. But it
gets to be -40 in the winter.

Yes. And 130 degrees in
the summer. I read that.

It's one thing to read
it in the country report.

Quite another to experience just
how ball-shrinkingly freezing it is.

But you love it here?

It's surreal and bonkers
and... beautiful.

I just got a text from
Stephen Pembridge.

He asks if I can "go help him
learn lines in his hotel room?"

Is that an honour?

At midnight? No, it's not.

I'd ignore that text if I were you.
OK. Are you sure? He's our guest.

Yes. But that doesn't mean
you have to sleep with him.

That Isabel looks
like a tight-arse.

You wait, she'll be ambassador
to Paris before she's 30.

What did Budansky want?
You gave him money.

I have to renew my liquor
licence. $5,000 to the government.

3,000 in cash to him.

He'd never dare ask for that
much if my brother was around.

He's from a much-loved
family of corrupt officials.

Natalia had to get a travel
visa out of his brother.

It cost her more
than the flight.

I wouldn't know about that.
I've never left Tazbekistan.

But I have a feeling you're
about to take me somewhere.

Isn't that why you're with me?

Sure. All the travel
opportunities.

Stay here. It's great here.

You're not missing
anything. You're so spoiled.

This is the room where you will
be performing, Mr Pembridge.

I'm sorry, this room is far
too... cribbed. It's all wrong.

I feel the room coming in on me.

My productions famously pullulate
and teem. They are capacious.

The Swiss Alps must abound.

How can I create the
professor's laboratory in here?

Can it be a small laboratory?

No, darling, it can't.

You saw my production of Wuthering
Heights re-imagined in an abattoir.

No. I wish I had. I
wish you had too, angel.

Because then you would realise I
can't create worlds in this space.

I'm sorry.

Hah!

Apparently the Secretary of State
said my last DipTel was very

well written - and
utterly irrelevant.

Easy for him to say sitting in
Whitehall, cappuccino in hand,

one eye on the cricket.

They've just charged
Simon Broughton.

They're accusing you of killing
two disabled kids in your car.

What? I don't even own a car.

Apparently you hit them as
they walked home from school

on the main Besh-kara road, and then
you fled the scene of the crime.

They're scared of what I know.

They say they have
seven witnesses.

And the bodies of
the two children.

If you're found guilty,

the family of the bereaved is
allowed to decide the punishment.

They always choose
the death penalty.

Can they make it stick? They
can make anything stick.

I just saw the grieving family
outside the justice ministry

laying it on pretty thick.

Hate to see what they'd do if
they'd actually lost a child.

Any wiggle room on this? Pleading
guilty to lesser charges?

What, killing just
one disabled kid? No.

I think you're going to
need to talk to Jamatt

personally about this tonight.

No. I have to use that window to
secure our helicopter contract.

I can't lobby for a major
arms deal at the same

time as I confront them on
their human rights record.

Sorry to disturb you but
I think you should know

the French defence minister came
into town very early this morning.

I drove out to the airport last
night, saw him fly in at 2.00am.

A French Airforce C130.
It was definitely Girard?

That's him. He's a player
and a shit. We're screwed.

This is it, the French
biting and cheating.

Where did he go? The
presidential palace? Mm-hmm.

To see Jamatt or
the prez. Or both.

Throughout this whole process,

I've repeatedly asked London
to send out a big hitter.

It's too late to
worry about that.

This makes tonight even more
important for securing the contract.

You're relying on Ludmilla's first
attempt at a steak and kidney pie

and a one-man production
of Frankenstein to

win a $2 billion
helicopter contract?

No, I'm not, Neil!

I'm saying that
Jamatt is the key.

The president listens to him,
not to some French functionary.

If they've got a
minister out here

that must put them ahead
on the helicopters.

I'm not accepting that.

The best use of your time tonight
is to get Simon Broughton freed.

Otherwise they'll execute
him. You don't know that.

They've done it
before. Believe me.

Thank you, Isabel.

We can't have this
conversation here.

He's an idiot who
brought this on himself.

And he hasn't even
been found guilty yet.

You're right, he is an idiot.

But if you don't intervene in
some way I think he will be found

guilty tomorrow, and executed
in front of the grieving family.

We can't allow that to happen.

This helicopter factory is
in the PM's constituency.

That's the priority.

Oh, I see.

I'm sorry - what?
What do you see?

What this is about.

Oh right, what is
it about, Neil?

No, please, come on, tell me.

We've got to spend the
next few years together.

We need to be open with
each other. What's it about?

What's my agenda?

You're reluctant to
confront London on this.

Oh, am I? And why's that?

I don't know. You want
to stay on the escalator.

You don't want your next posting
to be a secondment to the

Greek tax department?
Nor, I suppose, do you?

Neil, we're all well aware of
your fondness for this country,

and its women. What the hell's
she got to do with this?

Despite your snide
suggestion, my main concern is

not in fact my own
career - it's my country.

Why should British
factory workers suffer

because of one
self-important idealist?

Prosperity and security -
those are the priorities.

We don't make the
policies. I know.

If you continue to suggest that I
prioritise my career - and the soft

option - over confronting London
and ministers, then you're horribly

wrong, and you and I are going to
come to serious blows very rapidly.

No, I understand.
You've been very clear.

On this particular occasion, you're
prioritising Britain's commercial interests

ahead of human rights, and our
anti-death penalty campaign,

because you think the arms
contract will do more good.

Yes, I do. That's right.

Because it WILL do more good.

Natalia, can I just say
that I am completely

underwhelmed by what we've
got laid on for tonight.

Chutney, Morris dancing

and some fucking poncy actor are
not what makes Britain great.

Tonight had better
go like a dream.

He isn't angry with
you, he's angry with me.

How's it looking for tonight?

Yes, er... good.

Where's Stephen? All happy?

Yes. Er... he just
asked to see me.

OK.

Natashka, I find myself in a
difficult situation about tonight.

I so want to please
you, and perform.

But I really don't
see how I can.

I know we don't offer all the
things you're used to, Mr Pembridge.

No, Stephen. Stephen. Stephen.
I know the room is too small.

I can't perform in a
cupboard now, can I?

It is a real honour
to have you here.

We've all been so excited. I
have been excited, most of all.

Have you?

Mr Pembridge!

I-I'm afraid I can't do that.

So you're not "excited" by me?

I am. But I can't kiss
you, Stephen. I'm married.

We are very conservative here.

Compared in England,

where I know everyone sleeps
with each other all the time.

But that is not the Tazbek way.

I thought something had
clicked between us, Natka.

Please don't pretend it's
just me who felt that?

Perhaps we could go out
after the show? You and me.

Iskfana can be a
fun place at night.

We can have a drink together.

But I hope I can tell the ambassador
that you will be performing tonight.

All right, darling.

Let me do my Frankenstein,
and afterwards I'll be really

interested to hear your
thoughts on my performance.

We can pick through
it all together.

And I promise to behave myself.

Even though every atom of my
body wants to fuck you right now.

It's hardly the
Great Exhibition.

We lost an empire and
gained a pork stall.

It's a far cry from the days
of Sir Henry Bartle Frere.

Who? He was High
Commissioner to South Africa.

He started the Anglo-Zulu
war on his own initiative.

Right. And is that something
you...? Think is good?

Do I hanker after the days
of Old Empire? No, I don't.

Heady though they
must have been.

But there was a team
working together.

Presumably with
murderous consequences.

Yeah, but making a real impact.

Are you thinking of declaring
war on anyone, Ambassador?

No, not yet.

But I know you had a tough time
working under my predecessor

and I'm trying to put the ship
in order and find a way to

balance our slightly differing
priorities - where possible.

I take it things didn't
work out for Sir Henry?

He fatally misjudged the
strength of the Zulus.

That old chestnut. They ate him.

Really?

No. He was recalled to London
to face charges of misconduct.

Right, as guest of honour,
Jamatt sits next to me.

Who shall we put on
the other side of him?

The French ambassador?

Very funny.

You know he's coming, don't you?

What? No. Yes.

Well, who invited him?
You did. No, I didn't.

You asked Natalia to invite all
the major European ambassadors.

Well, she shouldn't listen to
me. Can we un-invite him? No.

Well, let's make sure he doesn't
get a chance to chat up Jamatt.

Erm. We'll seat him
down here by the door.

So who's next to Jamatt?
Someone who can finesse him.

I know who I'd use.

She hates him.

He put his hand on her bum while
I was presenting my credentials.

Ludmilla, you burned
those on purpose.

I shall make plov instead.

No, we are not
serving plov tonight.

When a man's beard is on fire,
another may warm his hands on it.

What does that mean?
Darling, hi, how's it going?

Badly. Ludmilla has deliberately
sabotaged the steak and kidney pies.

And I'm still waiting for
the fucking shortbread.

Diplomatic baggage!

Half the time it's quicker
for the biscuits to walk here.

Erm, listen, I wanted you to know
I've just booked Daisy's ticket

for her to come and
see us at half-term.

You have? Oh, that's great.
Thank you. No problem.

I was just wondering if you could
do me a tiny favour in return?

Diplomacy is just effortless
with you, isn't it?

Maybe I should get a
helicopter tattooed on my arse?

A little reminder
to your Mr Jamatt.

Seeing as that's what this
evening is actually about.

Thank you so much for this.

I accept that there's a risk
of another hand-on-bum event.

But there's no-one
better at this than you.

Oh, forget helicopters,
maybe I should just ask him

to supply the hospital
with some proper drugs?

Don't do that. Don't do that.

Thank you so much for coming.

It's nice to see you.

Your Excellency. Lovely
to see you again.

Darling, you remember Marc,
the French ambassador?

Jennifer. Marc.

You are looking beautiful
as ever. Thank you so much.

How delightful to be here.

You're not wearing your furry
hunting hat tonight, Elmer?

Ha. No.

Petra. Your Excellency.
Thank you so much for coming.

Delighted to be here.
Hello, Jennifer. Hello.

Lovely outfit.
Thank you so much.

You know Marc, of course.
Ambassador. How fares the euro?

Oh.

And I hear there is to be some
British entertainment tonight?

Beyond the cooking, that is.

Yes. Outside you can learn how
to make a British pork pie.

And after dinner, I'm delighted
to say that Stephen Pembridge

will be performing his one-man
adaptation of Frankenstein.

Not him again.

Haven't the British Council
got anyone else they send?

They put me through his Martin
Chuzzlewit in Ankara last year.

It was longer than sorrow.

Ha. Um... now, let me tempt
you both with an Eccles cake.

I'll see you later.

I thought Eccles cakes
had raisins in them?

Where's Sacha Distel
got to? He was around.

We need to stay on him, Neil.

He's not with Jamatt.

Well, where is he?

Ah, I was looking
for the bathroom.

The pissoir is that
way, Excellency.

Thank you so much.

Slippery bastard.

We're not fucking
kidding around, Neil.

I've got to get back.

What's this we're eating?

It's, er, steak and kidney plov.

So long as it's not an
ibex you might have shot.

No.

Jamatt, Neil was telling me that
you're a father with young children?

Yes, I have a 18-month-old son.

Ah, congratulations. That's
such a lovely age, isn't it?

Is that your first?

In fact, there was something I
wanted to ask your advice on,

as a doctor and a mother.
Yes, of course. What's that?

It's about my boy.
He gets this rash.

I don't know how you
say it in English.

Ladies and gentlemen, in order to
properly reflect the duality at the

heart of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
I will be playing the part of.

Dr Frankenstein - the
experimental chemist.

At the University of Ingolstadt,
I questioned whence did

the principle of life proceed.

And I will also be playing the
accursed Creature he creates.

Cursed Creator!

I have g-g-glutted myself
with shrieks and m-misery.

This approach has never
before been attempted.

I'm afraid that tomorrow the
courts will find your countryman,

Mr Broughton, guilty
of all 25 charges.

What does that mean? What
will the sentence be?

I'm sorry, we have to
make an example of him.

I am Genovese by birth,

and my family

benevolent smiles of
pleasure as he regarded me.

I was their idol.

I was their plaything.

A helpless, innocent creature,
bestowed on them from heaven.

I swear by the power of love
that b-b-b-burns in my heart.

I will quit Chamonix for ever.

Is this revenge for
the hunting trip?

Very well. I will create
for you this bride.

No, no, no, no. That's not the end.
That was absolutely marvellous.

'Where are they all going?'

I'm afraid there's been a
serious diplomatic incident.

I travelled 5,000
miles to be here.

I know, and they're
loving the show.

But a sudden crisis is always
a possibility with this crowd.

Occupational hazard. Stephen,
that was extraordinary.

Yes, Stephen, that was amazing.

Now we must get you out
into the Iskfana nightlife.

Yes. After a performance like
that, you deserve a drink or three.

It did go well, didn't it?

Do you think my
performance went well?

Oh, yes.

Yes, I did
it again, didn't I?

Anyway, what seems
to be the big crisis?

I'd love to be able to tell you.

Oh, of course!

Please. Yeah.

Excuse me.

Oh, God!

Well done for stopping that.

You were about to lose all
influence in this country for ever.

I know.

Jamatt said you were
Britain's secret weapon.

His son's got bad eczema. I
prescribed some steroid for him.

Brilliant. Well done. Dictators are
always sentimental about their kids.

And in return, he has agreed
to double my drugs budget.

Oh, that's great
news. Well done.

Of course he didn't.

He is arranging for you to see
the president tomorrow morning

for 20 minutes to talk about
your nasty helicopters.

With the president?

Thank you, darling.
You're amazing.

I am, aren't I?

So how did it go?

I think there were many
aspects of this evening

that would have appealed to you.

Hmm.

It's not good, Neil.

Word's gone to the judge for
the death penalty on this one.

They're pushing for beheading.

Well, we're going to have
to fight it, aren't we?

If they want to - they'll
always do it eventually.

Your Excellency.

Thank you for agreeing to
this meeting, Your Excellency.

You want to talk about your
British helicopters, don't you?

And tell me they are
the best.

This is fresh. I
killed it this morning.

I will tell you what the
French have offered me

their vote in my World Cup bid,

$20 million in cash

and a state visit
from their president.

Wow. That's a lot
of things. Yes.

Well, I hope you do choose to go with
the British Contusion helicopters,

because, yes, they really
are much better than

those French flying coffins.

I know. I know. The
rabbit never escapes! Huh?

Would you like a cut for
your family? Thank you.

Ahmed.

Actually, Jamatt has told me
I should grant you a favour

and reject the French.
Choose the best helicopter.

I hope you do that,

but, actually, Your Excellency,

I came here to ask you
for something else.

Neil, hello. Have... have we
heard about the helicopters?

Just been announced.
The French got it.

Oh, no. This stupid country.

How was last night?

Fine. He's an interesting
man. What happened?

First of all, he tried to tell how
to direct opera in Scandinavia,

and then he stuck
his hand up my skirt.

I hit him, Neil. Good.

I hit him really hard. Great.

Do you want to press
a formal complaint?

Are you sure? He's just...

A complete fucking arsehole.
Yes. Well, he's out of here now.

You were great,
Natalia. Well done.

Simon, you have the ambassador's
wife to thank for your release.

If it wasn't for
her intervention,

you'd be facing a long
stretch. Possibly worse.

I'd happily stay in jail if it brought the
world's attention to this terrible regime.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

The Washington Post is
hardly going to run a piece

on someone who's just been
released. I've had a shit time too.

I won't be doing an
embassy show again.

My review of your embassy,
Ambassador, would read,

"Unwelcoming, unappreciative
and underwhelming. Avoid."

I'm setting up a press
conference the moment I land.

I'm going straight to
the Foreign Secretary.

Principles and values mean
nothing to these people any more.

Sergei, please pull over.

You come out to this country
expecting Her Majesty's Government

to pay your way, feed you, get
you pissed and drive you around.

And in return, you give one of
the worst performances of anything

I have ever seen, and
molest one of my staff.

I still have no idea who you
really are - apart from some

monstrously-untalented sex tourist
masquerading as a fifth-rate actor.

And as for you, you shithead,
if you want me to take you back

to the prison, believe me,
nothing would delight me more.

You have no idea what we're trying
to achieve on a wider scale here,

you ignore our advice, and
then you expect our busy,

underpaid, under-resourced,
over-worked staff to pick up

the pieces when you inevitably fuck
up and find yourself in the shit.

So how's this - we help you, you say
thank you, and then you clear off?

Or - if that's beyond
you - I'll leave you here

and you can find your
own way to the airport.

So which is it? Help,
thank you, airport?

Or rude twats, no help, walking?

Help, thank you,
airport, please.

Never come back
here, either of you.

Good. Next.

Only one dwarf - singular.

Only one of the little fellas.

Excuse me, but I thought
you'd like to see this.

Little piece in
The Herald Tribune.

Unfortunately it doesn't say
what a tosser Simon Broughton is

but it does mention your name.

"British Embassy instrumental
in securing release..."

And people say the world isn't
interested in Tazbekistan.

Oh, and Sergei says that a piano
stool has arrived from Cairo.

But no piano?

No. Just the stool.

Ambassador's office.

Yes, sir.

It's POD.

He says that you owe
Britain $2 billion.

Will you excuse me a
moment, Mrs Petrova?

Your Royal Highness. Welcome to The
People's Republic of Tazbekistan.

No problem. It's
very nice to be here.

Prince Mark is a
proven trade envoy.

You'll find you can just throw
me into any diplomatic situation,

and off I go.

I've been to China,
and it's awful.

Zarifi is escaping this morning.

What does he even want?

Freedom. Oh, that!

All Prince Mark asks for is the
top floor of the Four Seasons Hotel

as befits a VVIP. OK?

I think it could be dangerous
for you, being with me.

How dare you touch my smoothie.

We did the right thing. No,
you did the wrong thing.

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