Amazing Stories (1985–1987): Season 2, Episode 21 - Miss Stardust - full transcript

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

- Paint it.
- Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it.
I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went
into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood
for "personal ruin."

[ Sighs ]



Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart
or take a shot at you?
- Don't ask.

- Hey, you want
to talk about it?
- I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it,
your P.R. business,
your clients or what?

My business. Hmm.
What business?

What about
the Garshbuller's Candied
Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action
tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you,
I'm sick and tired of promoting
the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least,
they're still in business.

But blue underwear--
[ Chuckles ]
it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear,
huh? Am I right?
It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay,
all right, but, uh--

Okay, how about that guy,
uh, the swimmer?



Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask.
I get him write-ups
in the New Yorker.

All the papers.
He does interviews on radio,
TV, the whole works.

- [ Thunder Rumbling ]
- A snowball
of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna
swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist.
[ Sighs ]

So, is it my fault the guy
swims headfirst into a rock
the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short
of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing
blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's--
must have been terrible.
He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb
as your socks now,
but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand
how come you might be
a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't
understand yet,

'cause I haven't done
anything but play
the overture here.

The clarinets
are still cold.

Couple of weeks back,
I go to my office.

What we're try
to pull together here,
Mr. Willoughby--

Is a contest.
A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee,
Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests.
Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work
with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it
the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you.
You play up the whole
galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey.
The boys will tie their
own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know.
Or maybe it's half and half
and half. I forget.

[ Coughs ]
You know,
it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory
of relativity, but
she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason
we looked you up is
because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins
in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had
to make like the Titanic
and suck surf, huh?

The point was,
you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination.
- Journalistic
joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin'
to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

[ Chuckles ]
Wow.

- So you had
it made, right?
- [ Thunder Rumbling ]

Yeah, things looked
good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day
of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

- The cabbage showed up.
- [ Thunderclap ]

...to the show.
Places! Places!
Two minutes.

[ Joe Narrating ]
You know, Mikey, it hadn't
rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day
of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it.
Bad omen.

But, hey,
I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here?
Kukla, Fran and 0llie
together again, huh?

- [ Man ] Let's go, ladies.
- Just tuggin' on your toes.
Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be
the judges, huh?
Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. [ Chuckles ]
Well, is the hour nearly
at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe
is knocking on heaven's door.

[ Man ] Let's go, girls.
Come on, come on.
Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up.
Come on.

- Places.
- [ Thunderclap ]

Oh, that's some
hot-looking storm there.

[ Rumbling, Creaking ]

[ Joe Narrating ]
Mikey, all
I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely
not from New York.

At least not
midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross
between Crazy Eddie
and a produce department.

But there it was,
big as life.
And it spoke.

You're in charge?

[ Joe Narrating ]
It was the Green
Grocer's fantasy.

And it was
staring me down.

Very well.
Since no one present
seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case
and depart.

- Your case?
- Ah, verbal skills.
Excellent.

Hear me well.
This contest is
declared void.

You have most inappropriately
named this event the
Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is
more than unwise.

It is obnoxious,
naive and insulting
to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself
some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy?
What do you want?

One of two things-- a change
in the contest title,

because there's
already been a contest
with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got
a copyright on the name?
- We need no copyright!

We have the necessary
potency to apply coercion
to your world!

And do not strain
our patience.

[ Joe Narrating ]
Somewhere in the back alleys
and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's
mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing
toward my forehead--
an idea.

An idea that was almost--

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man,
you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires
a little discussion.

Make your decision
or perish forever.

Can I get anybody
some coffee?

- Identify yourself!
- Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp
after earning a B.A.
in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a
competitive wage but eventually
I'd like to get into--

Desist!

Joey's assistant
has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty
in this matter,
I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout
bursts in and kidnaps
my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not.
[ Chuckles ]

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you
done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment
of the space-time continuum...

until I choose
to release her.

Dimension 49, huh?
What, she's not
good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport
my entries here with me.

I will inform the member
units of the alliance...

and all with be here
within the hour.

- Entries?
- [ Chuckles ]
Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'.
- I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose
a compromise simple enough
for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine.
What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants
from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this,
you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her
"Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the
Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

[ Woman Gasps ]

So, basically we mess up,
we all get zapped
into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great!
- That thing isn't
playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened
to your secretary?
Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49,
I have no choice.

I have to dock her
for the time's she gone.

But what about what
the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind
hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes
me, right?

[ Spits ]

Fellas, my fee
just went up.

I know it may sound
like P.R. hype, Mikey,

- but I was dreamin'
the big dream.
- [ Thunder Rumbling ]

The one that's up in neon
with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this
space creep has put
your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry
the world if you blow it?

[ Chuckles ]
Joey, that sounds
like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does,
but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was
getting the big one.

Set up another round
and I just might tell you
the rest of the story.

So, as long
as you're asking.

This was some contest.

- ?? [ Accordion ]
- Wow.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Joe Narrating ] But I'm
tellin' you, Mikey, you'd
have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified,
I was poised-- a regular
cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy,
you made it.

By the by, what did
you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her
into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience
with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions
begin with a woman known
as "Joey's Assistant."

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Ends ]
- [ Applauding ]

Well, now, let's hear it
for Miss Colorado.
[ Chuckles ]

Her hobbies
are nuclear physics
and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday
to teach auto repairs
to old people.

- [ Rim Shot ]
- And now, ladies
and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled
a heck of a distance
to be here.

And we're thrilled that
we don't have to pay
the airfare for Miss Mars!

?? [ Belly Dancing ]

Oh.

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Man ]
What's that?
- [ Chattering ]

- [ Chattering Continues ]
- Ahh!

[ Man #2 ]
Get the hook!

[ People Hissing ]

[ Woman ]
Go back to Mars!

- [ Man, Indistinct ]
- Uh-uh. Ahh!

- ?? [ Ends ]
- And, uh, now, ladies
and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand
for Miss Mars!

[ Smattering Of Applause ]

And now, Miss, uh, Venus,
would like to play
a little ditty for us.

It's something called
"I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

[ People Groaning ]

- ?? [ Synthesized ]
- [ Woman Laughs ]

- [ Chuckles ]
- [ Chattering ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Shrieking ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman ]
Bravo!

This is highly
unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate
the situation...

or there will be increasing
trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like
to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell
the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen
winner, there will be severe
retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless
vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us
a break, huh?

You created your own problem
when you named the contest
as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man."
- Earth.

- And I didn't
name the contest!
- Beside the actual point.

[ Man ]
Let's have a big hand
for, uh, Miss Venus.

- [ Applauding ]
- Ladies and gents,
what can I say?

Here's a future
mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

- ?? [ Fanfare ]
- [ Applauding ]

?? [ Singing Opera ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming
violently ill at the sight
of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin'
about, ill?

Quite simply,
they find your appearance
surpassingly repugnant.

[ Whirring, Tone ]

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be
awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus
and Miss Mars.
- No way!

They can't all win!
It's un-American!
It stinks!

We do not like you,
"Eath-man."

Earth. Earth.
It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you
obnoxious to the mind
and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will
rejoice when they have
all won first prize...

and we can leave
your loathsome,
"hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"?
"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception
of the "Eath-woman" you call
Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain...
savoir faire.

?? [ Opera Singing
Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Continues ]
- [ Laughing Continues ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Laughing ]
- [ Applauding ]

[ Joe Narrating ]
Mikey, it's not every day
a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan
to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly
what I did.

I was gonna give that green
geek and his orbit babes
and added prize--

a hunk of trouble more
"hideouth" than they
could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen,
before we announce
our winner,

I would like to add a very
special award to the list
of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced
the loving cup, the car,
the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing
and chassis work at Aldo's
House of Beauty.

But now-- now for
a really special prize.

One month vacation
on the Mediterranean
with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Universe!

- ?? [ Drum Roll ]
- [ Gasps ]

[ Women Screaming,
Cheering ]

- [ Cheering ]
- [ Applauding ]

[ Screams ]

- No! No! No!
This is "hideouth"!
- [ Women Screaming ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest.
[ Laughs ]

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right
to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you
choose that creature
to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe
contains more galaxies...

than there are stars
in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break.
- Ahh! I will give
you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls
for drastic action.

I must call immediately
on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest
held in this building...

to decide who is really
entitled to the name
"Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what
are you talking about
in round numbers, huh?

There are
approximately 7,595,000
base representatives,

which should give even
a mind such as yours...

some idea of
the insignificance
of your planet...

as it rolls
through the void.

So, what did you
finally do?

It wasn't easy,
I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you,
it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was
saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head
had a real thing for
Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs
when he asked her
to get hitched.

Quite a wedding.
Best man had suction cups.

They're on their
honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be
honest with you.

This story is the most
unbelievable pile...

of a number between one
and three I ever heard.

Come on,
it never happened.

It never even came
close to happening.

You're totally insane,
and you owe me
for those drinks.

So you don't
believe me, huh?

Not in a million years.
What, do I look stupid
to you?

Here, that's
for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something
for bein' nice, for listenin'
to an insane man.

[ Chuckles ]

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

?? [ Whistling ]

- [ Door Closes ]
- Hi, Joey! I sure hope
everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had
such a fun honeymoon
in my whole life.

All we do is play
up here on the third moon
of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all
the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air
of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been
so nice to me.

And I always
was a vegetarian!

Take it easy.
I gotta go.

- Well, have fun.
- Greetings.

I trust events transpire
pleasantly down on "Eath,"
Willoughby.

Don't take any
Varcon Fundiggies.

[ Laughing ]