Amazing Stories (1985–1987): Season 2, Episode 2 - Miscalculation - full transcript
Nerdy collegiate Phil unsuccessfully tries every trick in the book to meet girls. Then he discovers a potion that makes gorgeous magazine pin-ups spring to life. Unfortunately, he can't guess the right ratio to use, so his experiments backfire in a freaky way.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
?? [ Rock ]
? The lights are on ?
? But you're not home ?
? Your mind
is not your own ?
? Your heart sweats
Your body shakes ?
? Another kiss
is what it takes ?
? You can't sleep
No, you can't eat ?
? There's no doubt
you're in deep ?
? Your shoulder's tight ?
? You can't breathe ?
? Another kiss
is all you need ?
? Whoa, you like to think
that you're immune
to the stuff ?
? Oh, yeah ?
? It's closer to the truth
to say you can't get enough ?
? You know you're gonna
have to face it ?
? You're addicted
to love ?
? ...the signs
But you can't read ?
? You're runnin' at-- ??
Well, today is the day,
Mr. Beezler.
You get a date
for Friday night.
Or you die trying.
[ Hair Dryer Whirs ]
Don, Don,
let me show you a thing
or two about fashion!
Okay. Wait.
Something's missing.
Um, ah, white
cane-back loafers.
- Anybody home?
- [ Man ]
Go away!
Ta-da!
Five Pepperoni-pluses.
Ah!
That'll be 42, even.
Great suspenders.
Those leather, right?
[ Chuckles ]
Whoa, where'd you
get these girls?
Look, I didn't
order any pizzas,
especially not at, what,
9:00 in the morning?
Oh, yeah?
What's that?
Well, in the first place,
this is not number six.
It's number 205.
And in the second place,
Corona Drive is
the next drive over.
Where'd you get this book?
How is it? Pretty good?
I only got it yesterday.
Look, I really
got to get going.
You don't really
think you're gonna score
in those threads, do you?
Would you please
take your pizzas
and leave, okay?
What? No tip? I'm just kiddin'.
Listen, you keep the pizzas.
They were ordered
for some party last night.
We got backed up.
Our number's on the box
in case you get a crave on.
Ask for me special--
Bert. See ya.
Oh, and, hey, loosen up!
"The College Men's Guide
to Picking Up Women
Rule 29.
Living facilities.
There are millions of gorgeous,
eager women out there...
just waiting for you,
you big lug.
But, unfortunately,
they are out there so,
whatever you do, never--"
Charley horse!
Charley horse!
"Never,
and we mean never--"
Please massage my calf,
Phil.
"Never date the house
mother's daughter."
Bye, Angela.
Bye, Phil.
Ay, Chihuahua.
That's it.
Ah, the direct approach.
Okay.
[ Mumbling ]
"Oh, baby.
I love you more than
I love my-my folks."
How'd you like
open-heart surgery...
with a spoon?
- Hey, is this
Willoughby and Fourth?
- No, it's Tenth and Main.
Thank you.
Okay, uh,
the subtle approach.
"At the Laundromat."
"Sporting Event."
Uh, "Drug Store." Okay.
?? [ Humming ]
- I'm a photographer.
- And I'm a cashier.
You know, if you'd
let me shoot you,
I could probably get you
in one of these magazines.
If I could shoot you,
I'd get a medal.
Five out of 20.
Keep the change.
Okay, "Chapter Eight.
The Intellectual Approach."
"Creative Writing."
No, that's not it.
Uh, "Physical Sciences."
Okay.
Um--
I have got...
a periodic chart
of all the elements
stenciled on my ceiling.
It's huge.
You wanna come over
and, uh, read it?
No.
[ Scoffs ]
Okay.
- Oh.
- What--
- Ah, ah, ah, darn.
- [ Shrieks ]
What are you?
Punishment for something
I did in a former life?
Oh, you jerk!
I can't believe
I have you for a lab--
What are you doing
Friday night?
Washing my hair...
all night long.
Where did that come from?
- [ Whimpers ]
- That's a shar-pei.
It's-- That's one
of the rarest breeds
in the world.
- Here, it's yours.
- Thank you, Phil.
So, uh, what do you think?
You wanna go out
with me Friday night?
- I'd rather have
a root canal.
- [ Growls ]
Isn't he adorable?
Thank you, sir!
Hey, what the--
What are you doing?
I'm gonna
rip your face off,
Beezler!
Gimme my stuff back,
moron.
Mr. Beezler,
the class is not over.
- [ Door Slams ]
- Yet.
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Test Tubes Clatter ]
Oh, Phil! Please help me!
I was looking for a quarter
I dropped and my arm...
got caught somehow.
[ Panting ]
[ Grunts ]
Thanks for nothin'.
Now I've got something
that really works!
Are you in there?
I know you're in there.
Ah, hello, Miss Autumn,
you doll, you.
How are you today?
No, ah, don't answer that.
Yes, all right.
Come on.
Whoa.
Come on. Come on!
You worked
on an ugly dog.
Please work
on a beautiful woman.
[ Phone Rings ]
Hello?
Phil? It's Angela.
Are you okay?
I heard a crash.
Listen, Angela.
I'm fine, okay?
- Are you sure you're fine?
- Yes, I'm sure, Angela.
[ Woman ]
Kiss me, and I can
be yours forever.
- Phil? Did you say--
- [ Replaces Receiver ]
Kiss me,
and I can be yours
forever.
Come on and kiss me.
Please.
Oh, no, I used too much.
Come on!
Kiss me. Please?
[ Chuckles ]
Kiss me.
Come on. Kiss me.
Um--
[ Grunting ]
Kiss me, please.
Ow.
[ Grunting ]
Kiss me.
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Woman Roars ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Roars ]
Come here!
[ Growls ]
Aah! Aah!
[ Roars ]
[ Phil ]
Ow! Aah!
[ Shouting ]
[ Growling ]
[ Grunting ]
Kiss me. Kiss me!
[ Growls ]
- Kiss me!
- [ Grunts ]
[ Shouts ]
Let me in!
- Let me in!
- What's the rush?
- [ Growling ]
Please!
- Uh, no!
Hurry!
- Hurry!
I'm starting to melt!
- Melt?
- Hurry!
- Melt?
I'm melting!
[ Bubbling ]
I always wanted a woman
to melt in my arms.
But this is too much.
[ Panting ]
[ Crying ]
Oh, n--
[ Sighs ]
No. No.
What if I used
a little less this time?
No.
[ Scoffs ]
Come on. Oops.
Okay. Come on,
come on, come on.
There. A little dab
will do ya.
Not too much.
Phil? Phil, are you
all right in there?
[ Singsong ]
Yes! Go away!
No. Look, Phil.
Open this door now!
I said, go away!
Phil, open up!
Come on. Open up.
- What is it?
- I heard another crash.
Are you sure you're okay?
- Yes. I just dropped
my... bed.
- Your what?
[ Woman #2 ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
[ Chuckles ]
- [ Bones Crack ]
- [ Shouts ]
- [ Raspy ] Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
- No!
No, thank you.
[ Raspy ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
Not enough!
I didn't use enough.
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever!
- [ Sighs ]
- Don't touch me!
[ Woman Hisses ]
Tear up some furniture.
Just don't... touch me!
- Just kiss me once.
- No!
I have a... headache.
Just one kiss.
Oh, come on.
[ Both Shout ]
[ Screaming ]
- [ Raspy ]
Hurry!
- You hurry up!
- I'm melting!
- Hurry up
and melt already.
- Oh, boy.
- [ Woman Screams ]
He sure must know
how to show a girl
a good time.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
That does it!
Operator,
get me the police!
[ Groans ]
[ Panting ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts ]
Please work this time.
[ Police Radio Chatter ]
This one's gonna work.
Third time's the charm,
they say.
[ Chuckles ]
Come on.
[ Knocking ]
Go away!
No. There are
two policemen here.
They just want to know
if you're torturing anyone
in there. Are you?
What?
[ Cop #1 ] Come on, Beezler.
We know you got
a girl in there.
- Open up.
We're comin' through.
- [ Cop #2 ] We mean it.
- Open up.
- Back away.
- [ Cop #1 ]
Come on! Hey!
- [ Straining ]
Get it open.
We're not playing around.
[ Cop #2 ]
Don't make it hard
on yourself, Beezler.
- Let's go!
- [ Cop #1 ]
We're comin' in.'
Get ready. Here we go.
One, two--
- [ Grunts ]
- Freeze!
- Where's the girl?
- Girl? Uh--
[ Speaks French ]
The one that the neighbors
heard screaming!
The one that I heard say--
[ Woman #3 ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
[ Chuckles ]
Has this guy
been torturing you?
Mm-hmm, has he ever!
[ Chuckles ]
- Let's go, Larry.
- B-B-But--
- Come on, young lady.
Let's leave 'em alone.
- Phil!
- I did it right!
- You sure did, kid.
Kiss me.
Kiss me.
Kiss me, kiss me.
Kiss me.
[ Phil ]
No! No, no, no, no, no!
- Not again! Not again.
- That book of his
paid off, huh?
I don't even want
to talk about it.
[ Phil ]
No, no, no!
[ Gasping ]
I-It's--
It's almost gone.
There's almost...
none left.
Almost none at all.
[ Panting ]
Not too much.
[ Chuckles ]
Not too little.
[ Giggles ]
This one just has to work.
[ Giggles ]
That's all there is to it.
It just has to.
Please. Please, please,
please, please, please.
[ Man On TV ]
Lose it on the hips
and gain it to your chest.
Here's the last
of our five-point questions.
Ladies, what's the one
thing the two of you try
not to talk about--
- Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
- [ Angela ] Phil, let us in!
- Hey,
you okay there, dude?
- Phil, open up!
[ Bert ]
Hey, Phil, come on.
Open up.
- [ Angela ]
Open this door now!
- [ Bert ] What's goin' on?
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
- Kiss me,
and I'm yours--
- Oh, yeah!
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
Yeah!
[ Doorknob Rattling ]
Oh, yeah! Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
[ Gasps ]
- [ Woman #4 ]
My dress is by--
- Where is she?
My nail polish,
glorious apple
by Tinta-fe.
And my jewelry is designed
by Philip Cassus
of Monte Carlo.
I'm sorry. I-I thought
you meant me in there.
What. You?
In there? That was--
That was you?
[ Giggles ]
What are you doing
Friday night?
Uh, I-I think I'm free.
I don't know.
[ Chattering ]
[ Bubbling, Dripping ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
?? [ Rock ]
? The lights are on ?
? But you're not home ?
? Your mind
is not your own ?
? Your heart sweats
Your body shakes ?
? Another kiss
is what it takes ?
? You can't sleep
No, you can't eat ?
? There's no doubt
you're in deep ?
? Your shoulder's tight ?
? You can't breathe ?
? Another kiss
is all you need ?
? Whoa, you like to think
that you're immune
to the stuff ?
? Oh, yeah ?
? It's closer to the truth
to say you can't get enough ?
? You know you're gonna
have to face it ?
? You're addicted
to love ?
? ...the signs
But you can't read ?
? You're runnin' at-- ??
Well, today is the day,
Mr. Beezler.
You get a date
for Friday night.
Or you die trying.
[ Hair Dryer Whirs ]
Don, Don,
let me show you a thing
or two about fashion!
Okay. Wait.
Something's missing.
Um, ah, white
cane-back loafers.
- Anybody home?
- [ Man ]
Go away!
Ta-da!
Five Pepperoni-pluses.
Ah!
That'll be 42, even.
Great suspenders.
Those leather, right?
[ Chuckles ]
Whoa, where'd you
get these girls?
Look, I didn't
order any pizzas,
especially not at, what,
9:00 in the morning?
Oh, yeah?
What's that?
Well, in the first place,
this is not number six.
It's number 205.
And in the second place,
Corona Drive is
the next drive over.
Where'd you get this book?
How is it? Pretty good?
I only got it yesterday.
Look, I really
got to get going.
You don't really
think you're gonna score
in those threads, do you?
Would you please
take your pizzas
and leave, okay?
What? No tip? I'm just kiddin'.
Listen, you keep the pizzas.
They were ordered
for some party last night.
We got backed up.
Our number's on the box
in case you get a crave on.
Ask for me special--
Bert. See ya.
Oh, and, hey, loosen up!
"The College Men's Guide
to Picking Up Women
Rule 29.
Living facilities.
There are millions of gorgeous,
eager women out there...
just waiting for you,
you big lug.
But, unfortunately,
they are out there so,
whatever you do, never--"
Charley horse!
Charley horse!
"Never,
and we mean never--"
Please massage my calf,
Phil.
"Never date the house
mother's daughter."
Bye, Angela.
Bye, Phil.
Ay, Chihuahua.
That's it.
Ah, the direct approach.
Okay.
[ Mumbling ]
"Oh, baby.
I love you more than
I love my-my folks."
How'd you like
open-heart surgery...
with a spoon?
- Hey, is this
Willoughby and Fourth?
- No, it's Tenth and Main.
Thank you.
Okay, uh,
the subtle approach.
"At the Laundromat."
"Sporting Event."
Uh, "Drug Store." Okay.
?? [ Humming ]
- I'm a photographer.
- And I'm a cashier.
You know, if you'd
let me shoot you,
I could probably get you
in one of these magazines.
If I could shoot you,
I'd get a medal.
Five out of 20.
Keep the change.
Okay, "Chapter Eight.
The Intellectual Approach."
"Creative Writing."
No, that's not it.
Uh, "Physical Sciences."
Okay.
Um--
I have got...
a periodic chart
of all the elements
stenciled on my ceiling.
It's huge.
You wanna come over
and, uh, read it?
No.
[ Scoffs ]
Okay.
- Oh.
- What--
- Ah, ah, ah, darn.
- [ Shrieks ]
What are you?
Punishment for something
I did in a former life?
Oh, you jerk!
I can't believe
I have you for a lab--
What are you doing
Friday night?
Washing my hair...
all night long.
Where did that come from?
- [ Whimpers ]
- That's a shar-pei.
It's-- That's one
of the rarest breeds
in the world.
- Here, it's yours.
- Thank you, Phil.
So, uh, what do you think?
You wanna go out
with me Friday night?
- I'd rather have
a root canal.
- [ Growls ]
Isn't he adorable?
Thank you, sir!
Hey, what the--
What are you doing?
I'm gonna
rip your face off,
Beezler!
Gimme my stuff back,
moron.
Mr. Beezler,
the class is not over.
- [ Door Slams ]
- Yet.
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Test Tubes Clatter ]
Oh, Phil! Please help me!
I was looking for a quarter
I dropped and my arm...
got caught somehow.
[ Panting ]
[ Grunts ]
Thanks for nothin'.
Now I've got something
that really works!
Are you in there?
I know you're in there.
Ah, hello, Miss Autumn,
you doll, you.
How are you today?
No, ah, don't answer that.
Yes, all right.
Come on.
Whoa.
Come on. Come on!
You worked
on an ugly dog.
Please work
on a beautiful woman.
[ Phone Rings ]
Hello?
Phil? It's Angela.
Are you okay?
I heard a crash.
Listen, Angela.
I'm fine, okay?
- Are you sure you're fine?
- Yes, I'm sure, Angela.
[ Woman ]
Kiss me, and I can
be yours forever.
- Phil? Did you say--
- [ Replaces Receiver ]
Kiss me,
and I can be yours
forever.
Come on and kiss me.
Please.
Oh, no, I used too much.
Come on!
Kiss me. Please?
[ Chuckles ]
Kiss me.
Come on. Kiss me.
Um--
[ Grunting ]
Kiss me, please.
Ow.
[ Grunting ]
Kiss me.
- [ Grunts ]
- [ Woman Roars ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Roars ]
Come here!
[ Growls ]
Aah! Aah!
[ Roars ]
[ Phil ]
Ow! Aah!
[ Shouting ]
[ Growling ]
[ Grunting ]
Kiss me. Kiss me!
[ Growls ]
- Kiss me!
- [ Grunts ]
[ Shouts ]
Let me in!
- Let me in!
- What's the rush?
- [ Growling ]
Please!
- Uh, no!
Hurry!
- Hurry!
I'm starting to melt!
- Melt?
- Hurry!
- Melt?
I'm melting!
[ Bubbling ]
I always wanted a woman
to melt in my arms.
But this is too much.
[ Panting ]
[ Crying ]
Oh, n--
[ Sighs ]
No. No.
What if I used
a little less this time?
No.
[ Scoffs ]
Come on. Oops.
Okay. Come on,
come on, come on.
There. A little dab
will do ya.
Not too much.
Phil? Phil, are you
all right in there?
[ Singsong ]
Yes! Go away!
No. Look, Phil.
Open this door now!
I said, go away!
Phil, open up!
Come on. Open up.
- What is it?
- I heard another crash.
Are you sure you're okay?
- Yes. I just dropped
my... bed.
- Your what?
[ Woman #2 ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
[ Chuckles ]
- [ Bones Crack ]
- [ Shouts ]
- [ Raspy ] Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
- No!
No, thank you.
[ Raspy ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
Not enough!
I didn't use enough.
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever!
- [ Sighs ]
- Don't touch me!
[ Woman Hisses ]
Tear up some furniture.
Just don't... touch me!
- Just kiss me once.
- No!
I have a... headache.
Just one kiss.
Oh, come on.
[ Both Shout ]
[ Screaming ]
- [ Raspy ]
Hurry!
- You hurry up!
- I'm melting!
- Hurry up
and melt already.
- Oh, boy.
- [ Woman Screams ]
He sure must know
how to show a girl
a good time.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Screams ]
[ Screaming Continues ]
That does it!
Operator,
get me the police!
[ Groans ]
[ Panting ]
[ Grunting ]
[ Grunts ]
Please work this time.
[ Police Radio Chatter ]
This one's gonna work.
Third time's the charm,
they say.
[ Chuckles ]
Come on.
[ Knocking ]
Go away!
No. There are
two policemen here.
They just want to know
if you're torturing anyone
in there. Are you?
What?
[ Cop #1 ] Come on, Beezler.
We know you got
a girl in there.
- Open up.
We're comin' through.
- [ Cop #2 ] We mean it.
- Open up.
- Back away.
- [ Cop #1 ]
Come on! Hey!
- [ Straining ]
Get it open.
We're not playing around.
[ Cop #2 ]
Don't make it hard
on yourself, Beezler.
- Let's go!
- [ Cop #1 ]
We're comin' in.'
Get ready. Here we go.
One, two--
- [ Grunts ]
- Freeze!
- Where's the girl?
- Girl? Uh--
[ Speaks French ]
The one that the neighbors
heard screaming!
The one that I heard say--
[ Woman #3 ]
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
[ Chuckles ]
Has this guy
been torturing you?
Mm-hmm, has he ever!
[ Chuckles ]
- Let's go, Larry.
- B-B-But--
- Come on, young lady.
Let's leave 'em alone.
- Phil!
- I did it right!
- You sure did, kid.
Kiss me.
Kiss me.
Kiss me, kiss me.
Kiss me.
[ Phil ]
No! No, no, no, no, no!
- Not again! Not again.
- That book of his
paid off, huh?
I don't even want
to talk about it.
[ Phil ]
No, no, no!
[ Gasping ]
I-It's--
It's almost gone.
There's almost...
none left.
Almost none at all.
[ Panting ]
Not too much.
[ Chuckles ]
Not too little.
[ Giggles ]
This one just has to work.
[ Giggles ]
That's all there is to it.
It just has to.
Please. Please, please,
please, please, please.
[ Man On TV ]
Lose it on the hips
and gain it to your chest.
Here's the last
of our five-point questions.
Ladies, what's the one
thing the two of you try
not to talk about--
- Please, please, please,
please, please, please.
- [ Angela ] Phil, let us in!
- Hey,
you okay there, dude?
- Phil, open up!
[ Bert ]
Hey, Phil, come on.
Open up.
- [ Angela ]
Open this door now!
- [ Bert ] What's goin' on?
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
- Kiss me,
and I'm yours--
- Oh, yeah!
Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
Yeah!
[ Doorknob Rattling ]
Oh, yeah! Kiss me,
and I'm yours forever.
[ Gasps ]
- [ Woman #4 ]
My dress is by--
- Where is she?
My nail polish,
glorious apple
by Tinta-fe.
And my jewelry is designed
by Philip Cassus
of Monte Carlo.
I'm sorry. I-I thought
you meant me in there.
What. You?
In there? That was--
That was you?
[ Giggles ]
What are you doing
Friday night?
Uh, I-I think I'm free.
I don't know.
[ Chattering ]
[ Bubbling, Dripping ]