Amazing Stories (1985–1987): Season 2, Episode 15 - The 21-Inch Sun - full transcript
Struggling sitcom writer Billy Burliss is suddenly the toast of television, thanks to the typing tendrils of his script-writing spider plant, Lucy - which is fed only by the rays of a black-and-white TV set.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Man ] No one can ever say
that our last episode
was a total loss.
For as you remember,
we learned
beyond a doubt--
- [ Typing ]
- that Bullwinkle
really takes the cake...
when it comes
to baking a cake.
What do you mean,
where are the onions?
I thought you were
baking a cake, Bullwinkle.
Well, pity sakes,
I am, but--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
- You put onions
in a cake?
- [ Bullwinkle, Indistinct ]
No. And we're
out of onions.
You used the last one
on your corn flakes
this morning.
- Darn!
- [ Typing Continues ]
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Man Laughing ]
Kid, this stuff is funny.
Funny, funny,
funny, funny, funny!
The only thing is,
it ain't "chicken" funny.
- But, Mr. Marvin--
- I got an image, kid, see?
I gotta be careful
about my material.
Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife.
She wants the poodle
for Sunday.
Her poodle day is Saturday.
She knows that.
Negative!
Mr. Marvin,
I know I could have
some chicken-funny jokes...
- by next week, if you
could just advance--
- Next week? Next week?
Kid, in this biz you
gotta be faster than that.
Mr. Marvin, your analyst
called. Wants to cancel
today's session.
- Why?
- He's too depressed!
- [ Laughs ]
- Get outta here, you moron.
[ Groans ]
kid, let me give you
some advice.
You're gonna have
a lot of doors slam
in your face.
You gotta stick with it.
Persevere.
Don't take no
from anybody.
- Then you'll use my stuff?
- No.
- [ People Laughing On TV ]
- [ Man On TV ]
Countersign: Salt Lake City.
Come on in, 99.
The door is open.
- [ People Laughing ]
- Hey, Max.
99, what are you
doing here?
It's after 10:00.
Oh, I was restless
and I thought
I'd take a walk.
[ Man, Lower Volume ]
You should be careful.
It's not safe for a girl--
- [ Tape Rewinds ]
- [ Man ] This is Herb from
the Eagle Finance Company.
This is positively
your last warning.
- It's called pay up
or pick up.
- [ Tape Rewinds ]
[ Woman ]
Billy, this is Mama.
Are you eatin' good?
You eatin' your vegetables?
- Are you takin'
your vitamins?
- [ Tape Rewinds ]
[ Woman ] Billy,
this is Mrs. Luthaker,
your landlady.
Remember me?
You know, the witch!
Either you pay your rent
by Wednesday...
or your butt's
on the sidewalk.
And turn that TV off!
It's on night and day.
You--
- [ Stops ]
- [ Sighs ]
Suppertime.
You're lucky
I'm not a vegetarian.
Otherwise, I might eat you.
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello?
- Billy Burliss?
[ Laughing ]
Hey, hey!
It's a pleasure to speak
to a man with talent.
This is Dick Castel
over at Easy Come, Easy Go.
I was just cleaning out
my desk when I came across
your script.
Funny, guy. Very funny.
Listen, Billy,
one of our writers
was just committed,
and we need to find
a replacement pronto.
Have you got a sample
three-camera, family-hour
sitcom script I could read?
Uh, no, not really.
Too bad, babe.
We make our decision
tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Okay.
I'll write one tonight.
Tonight?
In one night?
In 23 years I've never--
Just give me a chance.
I'm sure I can do it.
I'll see you first thing
tomorrow morning.
- Ciao, dude.
- Ciao.
Yeah!
Yes!
Ahh!
High five, Louie!
?? [ Scatting ]
Billy Burliss has
done it again, folks.
[ Shouts ]
?? [ Scatting ]
Mrs. Luthaker,
you'll get your rent.
Witch!
?? [ Scatting ]
?? [ Imitates Guitar ]
?? [ Scatting ]
Billy Burliss.
Yeah!
[ Slow Typing ]
[ Sighs ]
Face it, Billy.
You're too slow.
Too slow.
You haven't even finished
the first half
of the first act.
He's right.
A sitcom can't be written
in one night.
Not by me, anyway.
[ Sighs ]
Sent by special messenger,
no less.
Hey. I haven't
forgotten a birthday
or an anniversary, have I?
- Of course not.
I wouldn't let you.
- [ Sighs ]
[ People Laughing ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Line Ringing ]
- [ Woman ]
Easy Come, Easy Go.
- Hello.
Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.
Uh, Billy Burliss calling.
[ Castel ]
Yo, Billy.
Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.
Uh, I-I won't be
coming by today.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, guy.
Yeah, well,
I guess I'm just not--
Billy? Hey, Billy,
are you there?
Billy?
Hey, my man. Billy?
Are you there?
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
This is good.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ]
As a matter of fact,
it's great. And so fast.
I never heard of a script
being written so fast.
- You?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- Never.
Kid, you're a genius.
I have a script here
that needs a total rewrite.
We start shooting
first thing
in the morning.
For you--
[ Laughing ]
it should be a breeze.
I'm in love
with a girl named
Thalia Menninger.
A beautiful girl,
a fine girl.
The only trouble is
she likes money.
- Who's there?
- Now she's not
a gold digger, mind you.
No, no. She's just
kind of greedy,
grasping, avaricious,
mean, selfish, miserly.
Fine girl, you understand.
Wonderful girl.
Whoever you are,
you can come out now.
Unfortunately,
I haven't got money.
What I've got is love.
Boy, have I got love.
I really liked the stuff.
I did.
Do you think
Thalia's impressed?
No, she keeps making eyes
at Milton Armitage.
[ Sighs ]
Some piece of cake.
[ Whispering ]
What am I gonna do?
Drat!
Where's the blot-out?
- Thanks.
- [ Rattling ]
Aaah!
[ Groans ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Billy ]
"Plague,
plane,
plankton, plants."
"Clerodendrum receptivus.
Rapid dragon vine.
Common variety
of leafy floral...
that requires little water,
but inordinate amounts
of sunlight."
Sunlight?
But you don't get
any sunlight.
The only light you get
is from--
[ TV Audience Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
I don't believe this.
[ Man ]
The painter's almost
finished the mantel.
Almost finished?
Almost finished?
It is finished.
That's it!
He likes it that way.
He thinks
it's a work of art.
He's even signed
the darn thing.
[ Man ]
So think of it
as a conversation piece.
[ Laughter Continues ]
Billy Burliss.
Barry Wernick,
Associated Agents.
- Uh, bu--
- Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk.
Save it for a script.
If you're as fast
as they say,
I'm gonna have you
the hottest writer in town.
- But-- But I--
- Oh, work with me,
Billy, will ya?
[ Laughing ]
I knew that last punch
was gonna work.
I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it.
...because she always
invites your ex-boyfriends
to dinner.
That's it. Yeah.
[ Billy ]
Yeah.
But I like this color.
I've gotten used to it.
But, honey love,
you're color blind!
There. Ahh.
A little more room
to wiggle your toes in.
And how do you like
the new TV?
Color. Color.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, pal,
I owe it all to you.
I couldn't have
done it without you.
You know,
you're my best friend.
Look, I was thinkin'.
You need a name.
Maybe something
distinguishing like...
F. Scott Philodendron.
Okay. Okay.
What about
uh, Leaf Ericson?
Andy Devine?
What would you like?
Well, I'll be.
Lucy.
[ Man ]
How about that, folks?
Is that entertainment
or what?
Come on, let's
put our hands together...
and hear it for
the funniest show on TV,
Easy Come, Easy Go.
[ Billy ]
Change the channel.
Change the channel.
- Hi, neighbor.
- This is it. This is it.
- Turn it up. Turn it up.
- [ Man ]
Welcome to Easy Come--
- [ Woman ]
Easy Go.
- Don't drink so fast.
- [ Woman, Indistinct ]
- The timing on this joke
right here was all wrong.
Now this next joke,
this works.
[ Laughing ]
[ Man ]
I don't know
if I can do that.
[ Woman ]
You guys'll
have to carry it.
Billy. Billy.
Billy, my man!
There he is!
We were in the neighborhood
and just had to drop by
and say hello.
[ Laughing ]
These are my pals. Georgio.
[ Georgio ]
You are a genius.
A genius!
- [ Wernick ]
That's Oliver.
- [ Man ] Very pleased.
[ Wernick ] And last--
[ Laughs ]
but certainly not least, Tina.
Oh, we're so happy
for you, Billy.
Uh, it was really nice
of you guys to drop by,
but I have a awful lot
of work to do.
Kid, enough.
All work and no play?
I think it's time
to party.
- [ Tina ] We're dying
to corrupt you, Billy.
- He'll come around.
[ Wernick ]
Listen to her, kid.
She can do it.
- [ Whispering ]
Lucy, stop it.
- [ Tina Giggles ]
These are party people.
Uh, I'd really like to--
- Okay.
- [ Wernick ]
All right. Yeah!
Where are you taking
that cute plant?
Uh, it needs air.
[ Tina ]
Air?
- [ Wernick ]
Oh, Billy, come on.
- Would you stop?
These are my friends too.
I'm just gonna party
a little bit.
[ Wernick ]
Are you okay out there?
Or what's the problem?
- I'll be right there.
- [ Tina ]
Okay.
[ Georgio ]
Party!
Lucy, would you stop?
Would you stop?
Why are you acting this way?
Why?
These are my friends too.
It's just a dance.
We're just gonna party
for a little bit. Lucy--
Would you--
Will you stop?
I'll be right back.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Guests Chattering ]
[ Billy ]
I'm ready.
[ Oliver ]
There he is.
There's the guy. Yeah!
- Let's go.
- [ Billy ]
Let's go. Party!
- [ Wernick ]
Come on, Georgio.
- [ Georgio ] S?, s?, s?.
[ Door Shuts ]
[ Cat Mewing ]
[ Pot Shatters ]
[ Mewing Continues ]
[ Man On TV ]
I'm gonna handle this.
Toody'll wind up organizing
a committee for it.
Yes, sir.
[ Groans ]
[ Spits ]
Party.
[ Groans ]
Time to wake up, Lucy.
[ Groaning ]
We're under contract
to half the city.
Lucy?
It hurt me.
[ Sighs ]
[ Vehicle Rumbling ]
[ Crunching ]
Lucy!
[ Chattering ]
- [ Indistinct ]
- [ Laughing ]
- Who is on first.
- What are you
asking me for? I'm--
[ Indistinct ]
What's the guy's name
on first base?
- What's on second!
- I'm not asking you--
We were a great team,
weren't we?
You know, Lucy, I never
realized how much fun
we had together--
writing scripts,
watching TV.
You were special.
You were my friend.
You even tried to warn me
about life in the fast lane,
how it would change me.
And what did I do?
I ignored you.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I better get back now,
try to go on.
Maybe something
good'll crop up.
Lucy?
Lucy?
Lucy!
Yes, we're scheduled
for 13 weeks
following the pilot.
[ Chuckles ]
No, we're no longer--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
...Mr. Burliss.
Those letters were
completed this morning.
The scripts
are being sent out now.
As you requested,
I declined
the European junket.
I sent regrets
for the gala premiere,
and frankly, Mr. Burliss,
maybe getting
out of the house...
for one of these events
wouldn't be a bad idea.
Okay, girls,
let's hurry up!
I Love Lucy reruns tonight!
Lucy Mae, let's do it.
Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen--
I loved the rewrites.
Loved it!
What have you got for me,
Lucy Alice?
[ Laughing ]
I love this!
I love this!
"I'm not the pizza boy.
I'm not the pizza boy."
I love it. I love--
This is timing.
Look at this.
This is timing.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Let's work.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Man ] No one can ever say
that our last episode
was a total loss.
For as you remember,
we learned
beyond a doubt--
- [ Typing ]
- that Bullwinkle
really takes the cake...
when it comes
to baking a cake.
What do you mean,
where are the onions?
I thought you were
baking a cake, Bullwinkle.
Well, pity sakes,
I am, but--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
- You put onions
in a cake?
- [ Bullwinkle, Indistinct ]
No. And we're
out of onions.
You used the last one
on your corn flakes
this morning.
- Darn!
- [ Typing Continues ]
- [ Laughs ]
- [ Man Laughing ]
Kid, this stuff is funny.
Funny, funny,
funny, funny, funny!
The only thing is,
it ain't "chicken" funny.
- But, Mr. Marvin--
- I got an image, kid, see?
I gotta be careful
about my material.
Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife.
She wants the poodle
for Sunday.
Her poodle day is Saturday.
She knows that.
Negative!
Mr. Marvin,
I know I could have
some chicken-funny jokes...
- by next week, if you
could just advance--
- Next week? Next week?
Kid, in this biz you
gotta be faster than that.
Mr. Marvin, your analyst
called. Wants to cancel
today's session.
- Why?
- He's too depressed!
- [ Laughs ]
- Get outta here, you moron.
[ Groans ]
kid, let me give you
some advice.
You're gonna have
a lot of doors slam
in your face.
You gotta stick with it.
Persevere.
Don't take no
from anybody.
- Then you'll use my stuff?
- No.
- [ People Laughing On TV ]
- [ Man On TV ]
Countersign: Salt Lake City.
Come on in, 99.
The door is open.
- [ People Laughing ]
- Hey, Max.
99, what are you
doing here?
It's after 10:00.
Oh, I was restless
and I thought
I'd take a walk.
[ Man, Lower Volume ]
You should be careful.
It's not safe for a girl--
- [ Tape Rewinds ]
- [ Man ] This is Herb from
the Eagle Finance Company.
This is positively
your last warning.
- It's called pay up
or pick up.
- [ Tape Rewinds ]
[ Woman ]
Billy, this is Mama.
Are you eatin' good?
You eatin' your vegetables?
- Are you takin'
your vitamins?
- [ Tape Rewinds ]
[ Woman ] Billy,
this is Mrs. Luthaker,
your landlady.
Remember me?
You know, the witch!
Either you pay your rent
by Wednesday...
or your butt's
on the sidewalk.
And turn that TV off!
It's on night and day.
You--
- [ Stops ]
- [ Sighs ]
Suppertime.
You're lucky
I'm not a vegetarian.
Otherwise, I might eat you.
[ Phone Rings ]
- Hello?
- Billy Burliss?
[ Laughing ]
Hey, hey!
It's a pleasure to speak
to a man with talent.
This is Dick Castel
over at Easy Come, Easy Go.
I was just cleaning out
my desk when I came across
your script.
Funny, guy. Very funny.
Listen, Billy,
one of our writers
was just committed,
and we need to find
a replacement pronto.
Have you got a sample
three-camera, family-hour
sitcom script I could read?
Uh, no, not really.
Too bad, babe.
We make our decision
tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
Okay.
I'll write one tonight.
Tonight?
In one night?
In 23 years I've never--
Just give me a chance.
I'm sure I can do it.
I'll see you first thing
tomorrow morning.
- Ciao, dude.
- Ciao.
Yeah!
Yes!
Ahh!
High five, Louie!
?? [ Scatting ]
Billy Burliss has
done it again, folks.
[ Shouts ]
?? [ Scatting ]
Mrs. Luthaker,
you'll get your rent.
Witch!
?? [ Scatting ]
?? [ Imitates Guitar ]
?? [ Scatting ]
Billy Burliss.
Yeah!
[ Slow Typing ]
[ Sighs ]
Face it, Billy.
You're too slow.
Too slow.
You haven't even finished
the first half
of the first act.
He's right.
A sitcom can't be written
in one night.
Not by me, anyway.
[ Sighs ]
Sent by special messenger,
no less.
Hey. I haven't
forgotten a birthday
or an anniversary, have I?
- Of course not.
I wouldn't let you.
- [ Sighs ]
[ People Laughing ]
[ Beeping ]
[ Line Ringing ]
- [ Woman ]
Easy Come, Easy Go.
- Hello.
Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.
Uh, Billy Burliss calling.
[ Castel ]
Yo, Billy.
Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.
Uh, I-I won't be
coming by today.
Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, guy.
Yeah, well,
I guess I'm just not--
Billy? Hey, Billy,
are you there?
Billy?
Hey, my man. Billy?
Are you there?
Hello? Hello?
Hello.
This is good.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ]
As a matter of fact,
it's great. And so fast.
I never heard of a script
being written so fast.
- You?
- Me?
- Yeah.
- Never.
Kid, you're a genius.
I have a script here
that needs a total rewrite.
We start shooting
first thing
in the morning.
For you--
[ Laughing ]
it should be a breeze.
I'm in love
with a girl named
Thalia Menninger.
A beautiful girl,
a fine girl.
The only trouble is
she likes money.
- Who's there?
- Now she's not
a gold digger, mind you.
No, no. She's just
kind of greedy,
grasping, avaricious,
mean, selfish, miserly.
Fine girl, you understand.
Wonderful girl.
Whoever you are,
you can come out now.
Unfortunately,
I haven't got money.
What I've got is love.
Boy, have I got love.
I really liked the stuff.
I did.
Do you think
Thalia's impressed?
No, she keeps making eyes
at Milton Armitage.
[ Sighs ]
Some piece of cake.
[ Whispering ]
What am I gonna do?
Drat!
Where's the blot-out?
- Thanks.
- [ Rattling ]
Aaah!
[ Groans ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Billy ]
"Plague,
plane,
plankton, plants."
"Clerodendrum receptivus.
Rapid dragon vine.
Common variety
of leafy floral...
that requires little water,
but inordinate amounts
of sunlight."
Sunlight?
But you don't get
any sunlight.
The only light you get
is from--
[ TV Audience Laughs ]
[ Applause ]
I don't believe this.
[ Man ]
The painter's almost
finished the mantel.
Almost finished?
Almost finished?
It is finished.
That's it!
He likes it that way.
He thinks
it's a work of art.
He's even signed
the darn thing.
[ Man ]
So think of it
as a conversation piece.
[ Laughter Continues ]
Billy Burliss.
Barry Wernick,
Associated Agents.
- Uh, bu--
- Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk.
Save it for a script.
If you're as fast
as they say,
I'm gonna have you
the hottest writer in town.
- But-- But I--
- Oh, work with me,
Billy, will ya?
[ Laughing ]
I knew that last punch
was gonna work.
I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it. I knew it.
...because she always
invites your ex-boyfriends
to dinner.
That's it. Yeah.
[ Billy ]
Yeah.
But I like this color.
I've gotten used to it.
But, honey love,
you're color blind!
There. Ahh.
A little more room
to wiggle your toes in.
And how do you like
the new TV?
Color. Color.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, pal,
I owe it all to you.
I couldn't have
done it without you.
You know,
you're my best friend.
Look, I was thinkin'.
You need a name.
Maybe something
distinguishing like...
F. Scott Philodendron.
Okay. Okay.
What about
uh, Leaf Ericson?
Andy Devine?
What would you like?
Well, I'll be.
Lucy.
[ Man ]
How about that, folks?
Is that entertainment
or what?
Come on, let's
put our hands together...
and hear it for
the funniest show on TV,
Easy Come, Easy Go.
[ Billy ]
Change the channel.
Change the channel.
- Hi, neighbor.
- This is it. This is it.
- Turn it up. Turn it up.
- [ Man ]
Welcome to Easy Come--
- [ Woman ]
Easy Go.
- Don't drink so fast.
- [ Woman, Indistinct ]
- The timing on this joke
right here was all wrong.
Now this next joke,
this works.
[ Laughing ]
[ Man ]
I don't know
if I can do that.
[ Woman ]
You guys'll
have to carry it.
Billy. Billy.
Billy, my man!
There he is!
We were in the neighborhood
and just had to drop by
and say hello.
[ Laughing ]
These are my pals. Georgio.
[ Georgio ]
You are a genius.
A genius!
- [ Wernick ]
That's Oliver.
- [ Man ] Very pleased.
[ Wernick ] And last--
[ Laughs ]
but certainly not least, Tina.
Oh, we're so happy
for you, Billy.
Uh, it was really nice
of you guys to drop by,
but I have a awful lot
of work to do.
Kid, enough.
All work and no play?
I think it's time
to party.
- [ Tina ] We're dying
to corrupt you, Billy.
- He'll come around.
[ Wernick ]
Listen to her, kid.
She can do it.
- [ Whispering ]
Lucy, stop it.
- [ Tina Giggles ]
These are party people.
Uh, I'd really like to--
- Okay.
- [ Wernick ]
All right. Yeah!
Where are you taking
that cute plant?
Uh, it needs air.
[ Tina ]
Air?
- [ Wernick ]
Oh, Billy, come on.
- Would you stop?
These are my friends too.
I'm just gonna party
a little bit.
[ Wernick ]
Are you okay out there?
Or what's the problem?
- I'll be right there.
- [ Tina ]
Okay.
[ Georgio ]
Party!
Lucy, would you stop?
Would you stop?
Why are you acting this way?
Why?
These are my friends too.
It's just a dance.
We're just gonna party
for a little bit. Lucy--
Would you--
Will you stop?
I'll be right back.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Guests Chattering ]
[ Billy ]
I'm ready.
[ Oliver ]
There he is.
There's the guy. Yeah!
- Let's go.
- [ Billy ]
Let's go. Party!
- [ Wernick ]
Come on, Georgio.
- [ Georgio ] S?, s?, s?.
[ Door Shuts ]
[ Cat Mewing ]
[ Pot Shatters ]
[ Mewing Continues ]
[ Man On TV ]
I'm gonna handle this.
Toody'll wind up organizing
a committee for it.
Yes, sir.
[ Groans ]
[ Spits ]
Party.
[ Groans ]
Time to wake up, Lucy.
[ Groaning ]
We're under contract
to half the city.
Lucy?
It hurt me.
[ Sighs ]
[ Vehicle Rumbling ]
[ Crunching ]
Lucy!
[ Chattering ]
- [ Indistinct ]
- [ Laughing ]
- Who is on first.
- What are you
asking me for? I'm--
[ Indistinct ]
What's the guy's name
on first base?
- What's on second!
- I'm not asking you--
We were a great team,
weren't we?
You know, Lucy, I never
realized how much fun
we had together--
writing scripts,
watching TV.
You were special.
You were my friend.
You even tried to warn me
about life in the fast lane,
how it would change me.
And what did I do?
I ignored you.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I better get back now,
try to go on.
Maybe something
good'll crop up.
Lucy?
Lucy?
Lucy!
Yes, we're scheduled
for 13 weeks
following the pilot.
[ Chuckles ]
No, we're no longer--
[ Continues, Indistinct ]
...Mr. Burliss.
Those letters were
completed this morning.
The scripts
are being sent out now.
As you requested,
I declined
the European junket.
I sent regrets
for the gala premiere,
and frankly, Mr. Burliss,
maybe getting
out of the house...
for one of these events
wouldn't be a bad idea.
Okay, girls,
let's hurry up!
I Love Lucy reruns tonight!
Lucy Mae, let's do it.
Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen--
I loved the rewrites.
Loved it!
What have you got for me,
Lucy Alice?
[ Laughing ]
I love this!
I love this!
"I'm not the pizza boy.
I'm not the pizza boy."
I love it. I love--
This is timing.
Look at this.
This is timing.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Let's work.