Amazing Stories (1985–1987): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Wedding Ring - full transcript
When Herbert slips a mysterious ring onto the finger of his beloved wife as an anniversary gift, the weary waitress turns into a seductress. But delight turns to fright when Herbert spots deadly side effects.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
? On the shore
by the sea ?
? By the way, by tomorrow
by this time we'll be ?
? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?
? We will walk
in a dream ?
? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?
? Life will be
peaches and cream ?
Are we leavin' on time
tonight, Pee-Wee?
There's your change.
There's your mints.
Gee, thanks.
Would you give this
to our waitress please?
- Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Thank you very much.
Come on sweetheart.
Can we have the check?
Okay. Just a sec, miss.
? Down on the old
New Jersey shore ?
Mighty good java.
Hey, could you top it off,
please, honey?
Sure.
? By this time
we'll be ?
? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?
? La da-da
da-da-da-da ?
? In romantic, enchanted,
Atlantic City ?
? Down on the old
New Jersey shore ?
Here. Let me get
that door for you.
Thank you, Tina.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Lois, you're gonna have
to come in in the mornin'.
In? Here?
No, Buckingham Palace.
You're serving tea
to the queen.
Yeah, here.
You have to open up
in the morning.
And don't leave
those dishes
in the sink overnight.
They'll stink
the place up
to high heaven.
Don't forget to take out
the garbage. Let's go, honey.
But tomorrow
is my day off.
Tina, you work
tomorrow, right?
Tina's ain't coming in.
Her sister's in town.
They're gonna go
to the boardwalk
and play the slots.
But-But-But tomorrow's
my anniversary, Leo.
Herbert and I have been
married for 10 years.
So bring Herbie in
and have a slab of
meat loaf on me, huh?
I can't do it.
I just can't.
Well, maybe you don't
need this job.
Yeah, why don't
you quit, Lois?
I hear they're hiring
exotic dancers
at Caesar's Palace.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Man ]
Last call for New York.
[ Woman ]
We're still waiting
for the check.
The bus is leaving.
[ Sighs ]
I'll be right there.
So, you coming in
or what?
I'll be in.
All right. Don't forget
to take out the garbage.
- [ Cat Yowls ]
- [ Dog Barks ]
Hi, Lo.
Herbert, what
are you doing up so late?
Oh, Mr. Eines made me
take some work home.
I gotta get General
Custer's head fixed and
back on his shoulders...
before the museum opens
in the morning.
Oh.
- What time is it?
- Oh, midnight.
- [ Sighs ]
- Herbie, I have
something for you.
Come on.
- What? What?
- Now wait right here.
- What is it?
- Open it.
It's your
anniversary present.
Tonight?
I thought
it was tomorrow.
Oh.
Lois, I didn't...
uh, bring
your present home.
- [ Sighs ]
- I was going to give it to you
tomorrow night after dinner.
- Leo's making me work.
- But we had plans!
I tried to talk him out of it,
and he was gonna fire me.
That louse.
Well, never mind
about him now.
Just open your present.
"To Herbert,
the world's
greatest husband.
Happy Tenth Anniversary."
Oh.
Come on, honey.
It's our anniversary.
I know.
Don't you find me
attractive anymore?
Of course I do, Herbie.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm just
so darn tired.
Aren't you?
No! I'm wide awake.
I'd love
to make love to you.
What about
General Custer's head?
He can watch.
But my hair smells
like cheeseburgers,
and my hands are
like pine cones,
and my feet are
swollen bigger
than basketballs.
Excuses, excuses.
Don't you think
it's important for us
both to be in the mood?
Don't worry about it,
I got enough mood
to go around.
Oh, Herbert,
I gotta go to sleep.
On second thought,
I better get
Custer's eyeballs in.
[ Gargling, Spits ]
I really mean
what it says
on that trophy, Herbert.
[ Herbert ]
I'm at my wit's end,
Blaze.
Lois gave me this
really great trophy.
She's so sweet.
If I could just afford
something nice for her.
Get her posies.
Women go berserk
for posies.
Believe me.
I know.
Yeah, but good flowers
cost a bundle these days.
Not if you time it right.
Pop over to the cemetery
after work.
Wait until some poor,
grieving sucker drops
a bushel of daisies...
on their dear departed.
Then snatch 'em up
and take them home
to the missus.
I guarantee you,
the dead guy
ain't gonna mind.
Pass.
Suit yourself.
But it worked for me.
I once brought
this belle of mine...
a beautiful horseshoe
made out of roses.
And boy, was she grateful.
[ Whistles ]
[ Blaze Whistles ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Squeals ]
Herbert,
a wedding ring!
A last, my own ring!
It's all I've ever
dreamed of.
Oh, Herbert!
How could you afford
such a gorgeous thing?
That's my little secret.
Happy anniversary, babe.
Do you like it?
Like it?
I love it!
Would you?
[ Gasps, Giggles ]
[ Moans ]
[ Moans ]
[ Growls ]
[ Grunting, Gasping ]
Wow.
That's only the beginning,
lover boy.
You, me--
bedroom,
five minutes.
Be there.
[ Panting ]
You're a maniac.
I know.
So don't desert me now,
you towering inferno.
Lois, please,
have mercy on me,
will ya?
I'm gonna come,
and I'm gonna get you!
No, no.
[ Groaning ]
More...
more...
more.
[ Snores ]
More, mor--
[ Snores ]
More.
[ Man's Voice ]
You, the faint of heart,
beware.
You may pass through
this portal, but you
may never return.
[ Blaze ]
Mr. Eines, I can't find
that ring anywhere.
I looked high and low.
I'm really sorry.
Good morning, Herbert.
Give us a hand
with the lady.
- I--
- You unpacked the jewelry
for this exhibit.
- Wasn't there a ring
in the box?
- A ring?
You mean like
a little gold ring
with designs?
No, no.
Be careful, Herbert.
Lift her up
very gently.
She's some cute cookie.
Three times married.
Three times a murderer.
She knocked them all
off the same way.
She was as clever
with her blades...
as Baryshnikov is
with his toe shoes.
I got her jewelry.
I couldn't
get her knives.
Uh, Mr. Eines, you said
that the jewelry
on this wax figure--
Genuine article.
Her very own things.
A collector from Philadelphia
bought them at an estate sale.
The Black Widow.
She's not up there.
Well, then she's dead.
I know Lois.
If she's not here and
she hasn't called in yet,
she's got to be dead.
Oh, well.
What's the matter?
Lunch crowd got you down?
Where the hell
have you been?
Better stay away
from those
french fries, honey.
Your hips are getting
a tad lumpy.
- Leo!
- What is with you?
- Get to work.
- Not today.
Gee, it's hot in here.
[ Sighs ]
I just stopped by
to say I quit.
You can't quit.
You can't leave us here
with all these customers.
Oh, Leo, you have such
an amusing little mind.
I believe this is yours.
Ciao.
Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Let's not be so hasty.
- Maybe we could, uh,
work something out.
Not this trip, big boy.
But I'll keep you
in mind.
Bye, Tina.
Don't let him
work you too hard,
if you know what I mean.
Don't look now,
but you're stepping
on your tongue!
- What do you mean?
- "Maybe we could
work something out."
That's just
business talk, baby!
- Just business talk!
- Don't you ever
touch me again.
Come on. Gimme a break,
will ya, huh?
Daughter
of an Italian fisherman--
Her second husband
got a meat cleaver
right between the eyes?
This woman is
a major psycho.
My Lois isn't.
She could never--
[ Gasps ]
Oops.
It slipped.
I'm sorry, poopy.
I almost took
your ear off.
Lemme kiss it and
make it all better.
Lois, I thought
you had to work tonight.
- I quit.
- You quit?
Come on, honey.
Let's celebrate.
[ Panting ]
Lois,
a-all these knives?
I don't know, Herbert.
I woke up this morning,
and I had this incredible urge
to go out and buy cutlery.
Aren't they beautiful?
Ta-da.
Herbie, I'm making up
a special, sexy dinner
tonight.
Sliced steak, scallions,
red peppers and...
hot sauce, Herbie.
No, no, no!
No-No passion.
No kissing.
I mean,
what's the rush?
I wouldn't want you
to get tired
of having me around.
Oh, don't be a goose,
Herbert. I could never
grow tired of you.
I adore you.
Sure,
like your other husbands.
What other husbands,
dearest?
Huh? I didn't say
"other husbands."
I said,
"I'd sure like some
Hubbard squash."
- We're having
zucchini tonight.
- [ Gasps ]
Mmm.
Listen, Lois,
take the ring off
and give it to me.
You know what I forgot?
A special inscription.
Um, "To Lois
with all my love,
Herbert."
All that wouldn't fit
on a ring, Herbie.
Then just "Love, Herbert"
and the date.
Come on. Give it to me.
The guy's waiting for it.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
Herbert, I don't need
an inscription.
I know you gave it
to me with love.
And I never, ever
want to take it off
for as long as I live.
Fine for you,
but what about me?
Oh, Herbert,
we're gonna have
a hot night tonight.
I am going to love you
to death!
Oh, Herbie.
Herbie-Werbie.
Oh, my little
ripe tomato.
[ Gasps ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Grunts ]
Lover boy.
Lois, stay away from me.
You don't seem
to trust me, Herbert.
You know what Mama
always said.
Once the trust goes
out of a relationship--
- Lois, no, no!
- Send 'em to
the worm farm!
Lois, Lois, Lois.
It's this ring.
There's a curse on it.
- Put a cork in it!
- [ Herbert Gasps ]
[ Herbert Grunting ]
No. No.
Herbie, remember
your wedding vows.
You promised to love,
honor and serve...
as a pin cushion!
[ Screams ]
Lois! No. No. No.
[ Growls ]
Herbert, you're being
a bore about this.
Stay back! No!
[ Speaks Italian ]
Lois, you're
speaking Italian!
I'm gonna
chop your head off.
Herbie,
you're going to make
such good steak tartar.
Herbie?
[ Groans ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Gasps ]
Herbert,
what are we doing?
Lolo? Lolo.
[ Murmuring ]
Oh.
It's-- It's this ring.
I didn't have
an anniversary
present for you,
so I stole it
from the museum.
Look at
what I'm wearing.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, it's the ring.
It makes you
very passionate,
and you wind up
killing your mate.
[ Sighs ]
Look at me.
Capri slacks!
This is so unlike me.
I feel like
I'm someplace exotic...
like... Miami.
Oh, Herbert.
Look at my hair.
I love it!
It's very beautiful.
Do you really
think so?
- I love you.
- I love you too, Lolo.
[ Chuckles ]
Tickly feathers...
and candles.
You think of everything.
Oh, you man.
We don't need
this anymore.
[ Grunts ]
Well, hello there.
Mmm. This oughta
shut her up.
For me?
Really?
[ Chuckles ]
Does this mean
it's official?
Just gimme your hand.
[ Giggles ]
[ Leo Moans, Screams ]
We're not the only ones
having fun tonight, Herb.
[ Giggles ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
? On the shore
by the sea ?
? By the way, by tomorrow
by this time we'll be ?
? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?
? We will walk
in a dream ?
? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?
? Life will be
peaches and cream ?
Are we leavin' on time
tonight, Pee-Wee?
There's your change.
There's your mints.
Gee, thanks.
Would you give this
to our waitress please?
- Yeah, sure. No problem.
- Thank you very much.
Come on sweetheart.
Can we have the check?
Okay. Just a sec, miss.
? Down on the old
New Jersey shore ?
Mighty good java.
Hey, could you top it off,
please, honey?
Sure.
? By this time
we'll be ?
? On the boardwalk
in Atlantic City ?
? La da-da
da-da-da-da ?
? In romantic, enchanted,
Atlantic City ?
? Down on the old
New Jersey shore ?
Here. Let me get
that door for you.
Thank you, Tina.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
Lois, you're gonna have
to come in in the mornin'.
In? Here?
No, Buckingham Palace.
You're serving tea
to the queen.
Yeah, here.
You have to open up
in the morning.
And don't leave
those dishes
in the sink overnight.
They'll stink
the place up
to high heaven.
Don't forget to take out
the garbage. Let's go, honey.
But tomorrow
is my day off.
Tina, you work
tomorrow, right?
Tina's ain't coming in.
Her sister's in town.
They're gonna go
to the boardwalk
and play the slots.
But-But-But tomorrow's
my anniversary, Leo.
Herbert and I have been
married for 10 years.
So bring Herbie in
and have a slab of
meat loaf on me, huh?
I can't do it.
I just can't.
Well, maybe you don't
need this job.
Yeah, why don't
you quit, Lois?
I hear they're hiring
exotic dancers
at Caesar's Palace.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Man ]
Last call for New York.
[ Woman ]
We're still waiting
for the check.
The bus is leaving.
[ Sighs ]
I'll be right there.
So, you coming in
or what?
I'll be in.
All right. Don't forget
to take out the garbage.
- [ Cat Yowls ]
- [ Dog Barks ]
Hi, Lo.
Herbert, what
are you doing up so late?
Oh, Mr. Eines made me
take some work home.
I gotta get General
Custer's head fixed and
back on his shoulders...
before the museum opens
in the morning.
Oh.
- What time is it?
- Oh, midnight.
- [ Sighs ]
- Herbie, I have
something for you.
Come on.
- What? What?
- Now wait right here.
- What is it?
- Open it.
It's your
anniversary present.
Tonight?
I thought
it was tomorrow.
Oh.
Lois, I didn't...
uh, bring
your present home.
- [ Sighs ]
- I was going to give it to you
tomorrow night after dinner.
- Leo's making me work.
- But we had plans!
I tried to talk him out of it,
and he was gonna fire me.
That louse.
Well, never mind
about him now.
Just open your present.
"To Herbert,
the world's
greatest husband.
Happy Tenth Anniversary."
Oh.
Come on, honey.
It's our anniversary.
I know.
Don't you find me
attractive anymore?
Of course I do, Herbie.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm just
so darn tired.
Aren't you?
No! I'm wide awake.
I'd love
to make love to you.
What about
General Custer's head?
He can watch.
But my hair smells
like cheeseburgers,
and my hands are
like pine cones,
and my feet are
swollen bigger
than basketballs.
Excuses, excuses.
Don't you think
it's important for us
both to be in the mood?
Don't worry about it,
I got enough mood
to go around.
Oh, Herbert,
I gotta go to sleep.
On second thought,
I better get
Custer's eyeballs in.
[ Gargling, Spits ]
I really mean
what it says
on that trophy, Herbert.
[ Herbert ]
I'm at my wit's end,
Blaze.
Lois gave me this
really great trophy.
She's so sweet.
If I could just afford
something nice for her.
Get her posies.
Women go berserk
for posies.
Believe me.
I know.
Yeah, but good flowers
cost a bundle these days.
Not if you time it right.
Pop over to the cemetery
after work.
Wait until some poor,
grieving sucker drops
a bushel of daisies...
on their dear departed.
Then snatch 'em up
and take them home
to the missus.
I guarantee you,
the dead guy
ain't gonna mind.
Pass.
Suit yourself.
But it worked for me.
I once brought
this belle of mine...
a beautiful horseshoe
made out of roses.
And boy, was she grateful.
[ Whistles ]
[ Blaze Whistles ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Squeals ]
Herbert,
a wedding ring!
A last, my own ring!
It's all I've ever
dreamed of.
Oh, Herbert!
How could you afford
such a gorgeous thing?
That's my little secret.
Happy anniversary, babe.
Do you like it?
Like it?
I love it!
Would you?
[ Gasps, Giggles ]
[ Moans ]
[ Moans ]
[ Growls ]
[ Grunting, Gasping ]
Wow.
That's only the beginning,
lover boy.
You, me--
bedroom,
five minutes.
Be there.
[ Panting ]
You're a maniac.
I know.
So don't desert me now,
you towering inferno.
Lois, please,
have mercy on me,
will ya?
I'm gonna come,
and I'm gonna get you!
No, no.
[ Groaning ]
More...
more...
more.
[ Snores ]
More, mor--
[ Snores ]
More.
[ Man's Voice ]
You, the faint of heart,
beware.
You may pass through
this portal, but you
may never return.
[ Blaze ]
Mr. Eines, I can't find
that ring anywhere.
I looked high and low.
I'm really sorry.
Good morning, Herbert.
Give us a hand
with the lady.
- I--
- You unpacked the jewelry
for this exhibit.
- Wasn't there a ring
in the box?
- A ring?
You mean like
a little gold ring
with designs?
No, no.
Be careful, Herbert.
Lift her up
very gently.
She's some cute cookie.
Three times married.
Three times a murderer.
She knocked them all
off the same way.
She was as clever
with her blades...
as Baryshnikov is
with his toe shoes.
I got her jewelry.
I couldn't
get her knives.
Uh, Mr. Eines, you said
that the jewelry
on this wax figure--
Genuine article.
Her very own things.
A collector from Philadelphia
bought them at an estate sale.
The Black Widow.
She's not up there.
Well, then she's dead.
I know Lois.
If she's not here and
she hasn't called in yet,
she's got to be dead.
Oh, well.
What's the matter?
Lunch crowd got you down?
Where the hell
have you been?
Better stay away
from those
french fries, honey.
Your hips are getting
a tad lumpy.
- Leo!
- What is with you?
- Get to work.
- Not today.
Gee, it's hot in here.
[ Sighs ]
I just stopped by
to say I quit.
You can't quit.
You can't leave us here
with all these customers.
Oh, Leo, you have such
an amusing little mind.
I believe this is yours.
Ciao.
Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Let's not be so hasty.
- Maybe we could, uh,
work something out.
Not this trip, big boy.
But I'll keep you
in mind.
Bye, Tina.
Don't let him
work you too hard,
if you know what I mean.
Don't look now,
but you're stepping
on your tongue!
- What do you mean?
- "Maybe we could
work something out."
That's just
business talk, baby!
- Just business talk!
- Don't you ever
touch me again.
Come on. Gimme a break,
will ya, huh?
Daughter
of an Italian fisherman--
Her second husband
got a meat cleaver
right between the eyes?
This woman is
a major psycho.
My Lois isn't.
She could never--
[ Gasps ]
Oops.
It slipped.
I'm sorry, poopy.
I almost took
your ear off.
Lemme kiss it and
make it all better.
Lois, I thought
you had to work tonight.
- I quit.
- You quit?
Come on, honey.
Let's celebrate.
[ Panting ]
Lois,
a-all these knives?
I don't know, Herbert.
I woke up this morning,
and I had this incredible urge
to go out and buy cutlery.
Aren't they beautiful?
Ta-da.
Herbie, I'm making up
a special, sexy dinner
tonight.
Sliced steak, scallions,
red peppers and...
hot sauce, Herbie.
No, no, no!
No-No passion.
No kissing.
I mean,
what's the rush?
I wouldn't want you
to get tired
of having me around.
Oh, don't be a goose,
Herbert. I could never
grow tired of you.
I adore you.
Sure,
like your other husbands.
What other husbands,
dearest?
Huh? I didn't say
"other husbands."
I said,
"I'd sure like some
Hubbard squash."
- We're having
zucchini tonight.
- [ Gasps ]
Mmm.
Listen, Lois,
take the ring off
and give it to me.
You know what I forgot?
A special inscription.
Um, "To Lois
with all my love,
Herbert."
All that wouldn't fit
on a ring, Herbie.
Then just "Love, Herbert"
and the date.
Come on. Give it to me.
The guy's waiting for it.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
Herbert, I don't need
an inscription.
I know you gave it
to me with love.
And I never, ever
want to take it off
for as long as I live.
Fine for you,
but what about me?
Oh, Herbert,
we're gonna have
a hot night tonight.
I am going to love you
to death!
Oh, Herbie.
Herbie-Werbie.
Oh, my little
ripe tomato.
[ Gasps ]
- [ Gasps ]
- [ Grunts ]
Lover boy.
Lois, stay away from me.
You don't seem
to trust me, Herbert.
You know what Mama
always said.
Once the trust goes
out of a relationship--
- Lois, no, no!
- Send 'em to
the worm farm!
Lois, Lois, Lois.
It's this ring.
There's a curse on it.
- Put a cork in it!
- [ Herbert Gasps ]
[ Herbert Grunting ]
No. No.
Herbie, remember
your wedding vows.
You promised to love,
honor and serve...
as a pin cushion!
[ Screams ]
Lois! No. No. No.
[ Growls ]
Herbert, you're being
a bore about this.
Stay back! No!
[ Speaks Italian ]
Lois, you're
speaking Italian!
I'm gonna
chop your head off.
Herbie,
you're going to make
such good steak tartar.
Herbie?
[ Groans ]
[ Screaming ]
[ Gasps ]
Herbert,
what are we doing?
Lolo? Lolo.
[ Murmuring ]
Oh.
It's-- It's this ring.
I didn't have
an anniversary
present for you,
so I stole it
from the museum.
Look at
what I'm wearing.
- Ooh!
- Yeah, it's the ring.
It makes you
very passionate,
and you wind up
killing your mate.
[ Sighs ]
Look at me.
Capri slacks!
This is so unlike me.
I feel like
I'm someplace exotic...
like... Miami.
Oh, Herbert.
Look at my hair.
I love it!
It's very beautiful.
Do you really
think so?
- I love you.
- I love you too, Lolo.
[ Chuckles ]
Tickly feathers...
and candles.
You think of everything.
Oh, you man.
We don't need
this anymore.
[ Grunts ]
Well, hello there.
Mmm. This oughta
shut her up.
For me?
Really?
[ Chuckles ]
Does this mean
it's official?
Just gimme your hand.
[ Giggles ]
[ Leo Moans, Screams ]
We're not the only ones
having fun tonight, Herb.
[ Giggles ]