Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Quince - full transcript

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[overlapping chatter]

- There he is,
John Hancock!

- Anybody need a signature?

[all cheer]

You guys, thank you
so much for coming.

- Oh!
- We wouldn't miss it.

- Family for everything.

- So what'd you think
of the play?

- I thought, "Wow,
look, there's Arturo

just...doing it."

- Yes, you were doing
so much acting.



- Yes.

- Very historical.

- I thought you
were great, tío.

- Thank you, Maribel.
How are you doing?

Are you so stoked
about your quinceañera?

- I'm not having
a quinceañera.

- Wh-wh-why not?

- Well, money's been tight
ever since her father left.

I'm working two jobs.

- Oh.

- We're just having
cake at home.

It's fine.
I'll be fine.

- No, everybody should have
a quinceañera.

Even some of us
didn't get to because



of gender-normative rules,
but, you know, who cares?

I'm over it.

Tell you what: you are going to
have the best quinceañera ever

'cause I'm gonna
throw it for you.

- Really?
- Hell yeah.

Come on.
[both imitate explosions]

Venga.

- Are you sure, Arturo?

I'm not gonna have
any time to help.

- Oh, no,
I'll take care of everything.

You don't have
to lift a finger.

I love planning parties.
I'm very good at it.

Besides, a quinceañera's
just a bunch of kids.

Like, how hard
can it be, you know?

- You have no idea
what you're getting into.

- Oh, hey, tío,
thanks for coming.

- You should thank me.

That play was a real
piece of shit.

- Note taken.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Man, that was some
gangsta-ass shit last night.

- Yeah, cabrón,
OG as fuck.

- Yo, check out this guy.

- What's up,
little homies?

- Respect.
- Respectó, respectó siempre.

What you fools
talking about, eh?

- Ivan tagged up a Rite Aid
over on San Pedro Street.

- Yeah, it was so gangsta.

No, no, no, no.
It was OG.

- That's what's up.

- Shit, man, you young bloods
don't know shit.

Wanna know what's OG?
- What's up?

- Back in the day, ése, we had
to call people like this.

- Okay, so what?

- Shut the fuck up, fool.

I'm still dialing.

Hello?
Yo, what's up, homes?

I'll talk to you later, okay?

Orale.

- Damn, that's what's up.

- Hell yeah.
Respect the OG.

- So he used a rotary phone
when he was a kid.

How is that OG?

- You know what's
real gangster, homes?

I had to relearn
how to walk, ése,

'cause I got polio
on my 30th birthday, bro.

- Damn, B! That's OG.

- Respect to the OG.
- Come on.

- Yo, you ever
ride a horse,

not like for fun
but to get around and shit?

- Respect to the OG.

- Yo, stop saying that.

- If I ever had
to smoke a fool,

I had to put a little
metal ball down my piece

and then a lot
of gunpowder in it

and then wackety, wackety,
wackety with a long stick,

light that fuse and zacate!

- Are you talking
about a musket?

- OG right there.

- You fools don't know
how good you have it, ése.

If I wanted to hang out
with my homies like this,

it took a minute.

There was only
one continent, man.

That's a lot
of ground to cover,

you know what
I'm saying?

- Yo, dog,
when are you from?

- H-I-J-K-L-M-N-OG.

OG, papo.

- You see,
when I was your age,

the air was always cold, ése, always cold

'cause the atmosphere
was, like,

half as thick
as it is now and shit.

It didn't matter
to us, bro.

Me and my homies was fish
anyway, you feel me?

Glug, glug, motherfucker.
both: OG!

- Enough! Ciante!

This guy's not OG!

None of these things
are OG at all.

This dude's just
a busted-ass poser.

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh.

- A pox on your clica, ése.

- Hey, what's wrong with you,
fool? Respect the OG.

- Why you on
this dude's ass?

- Whoa, whoa,
check it out, fool!

- True OG.

[bicycle bell rings]

- I have so many
questions, man.

[cool percussive music]

- You guys have been
so amazing

coming to
all our baby events.

Thank you.

The shower,
the sprinkle,

and today, finally,
the gender reveal.

It's the last one,
though, I promise.

- Great.

- [laughing]
Just kidding.

Then there's
the sip 'n' see.

- Right, the sip 'n' see.

- Whoo! Exactly.

- Anyways, Armando's the only
one who knows the gender.

I'm gonna be
surprised too.

He set this all up,
so sweet.

- Oh, well,
somebody had to,

and you can only
reveal it once, you know?

And I think I planned
something really, really cool.

You guys are gonna love it.

[chuckles]
Hmm.

- Pink lemonade.
- [gasps] That's the reveal?

We're having a little girl.
Oh, honey.

- I just knew it.

- No, Mom, no.
I mean...

I mean,
that's not the reveal.

The reveal is so much cooler.
You guys are gonna love it.

Oh, let me just
clean this up.

So wait till you see it.

- Blue paper towels?

- [gasps]
It's a boy.

- Aw.
- Oh.

- Congrats, man.

- No, no.
No, no, that's not the reveal.

I wouldn't plan the whole
reveal over some paper towels.

What am I, an amateur?

No, when you see it,
your heads are gonna spin

'cause it's gonna be
awesome.

Am I right, Mom?
What's up?

[laughs]

[fabric rips]

- [gasps]
Pink boxers.

- You little devil, you!
It is a girl!

- Oh, I told you
I knew it.

- No, Mom,
that's not the reveal.

That's just
really embarrassing.

[fireworks whistling]
- Ooh!

- Blue fireworks.
- It's a boy.

- Wow, you went all out,
my friend.

- No, no, no, no,
that is not the reveal.

You will know
when the reveal happens

because your heads will be
spinning, spinning,

'cause it's gonna be
so cool, ha,

'cause I'm a great planner
of things.

So let's just
ignore this, okay?

- Purple blinds.

- He's letting the baby
decide for themselves.

- Oh, that's so progressive.

- Everybody shut up!
Shut up!

Of course I wouldn't plan it
over some blinds.

Are you crazy?
Are you cuckoo?

You're not, right?

So everybody just chill out

and let me show you
the amazing reveal,

the coolest reveal
that you'll ever see

that I planned
for all of you.

- Thank you for having us,
but we're gonna get going.

- Nobody moves until I reveal
the gender of my baby.

You understand me?

- Armando,
you're scaring us.

- Am I?
- My water just broke.

- No, honey, no.

Not right now!
No, not yet!

Honey, this is
so selfish of you!

- Just breathe.
The baby's crowning.

- Okay, nobody look
at my baby's genitals!

Nobody look at them!

Here, here,
open the box.

- Open it now, honey.

- Now?
- Yeah.

Open it.

Huh?
- [gasping]

Huh?
[laughs]

It's a girl!
It's a girl!

Now that's a fucking
gender reveal, am I right?

[baby crying]

- I think it's time
for you to go.

- I agree.

I agree.

- Oh, it's a boy.

- God damn it!

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Yes, I understand
what you're saying.

Okay, but do you understand how
having 25 fuchsia tablecloths

does not help me
when I have 30 tables?

What am I supposed to have,
5 naked tables?

That would be ridiculous.

- [whispers]
This is fascinating.

- Do I want another color?

Are you serious?

Fuchsia is the only color, sir.
Thank you.

[whispers]
Can you believe this?

- No, I cannot.
- Mm-mm.

- Yes, I'll hold.

This or this?

- Uh...
- This or this?

- That one. That one.
That one. That one.

But I gotta see it on you
'cause I wanna get the feel.

Okay, pose like
a 15-year-old girl.

- Dance around a little.
I gotta see how it dances.

- Mm-hmm, you're a woman.
Be a woman.

You're growing
into a woman now.

- Oh, I see what you're doing.

- Well, I think
you look beautiful.

- Thank you, Chris.
Thank you.

- So, uh,
what do you guys think?

all: Aw.

- Very cute.

- Tío?

- I just want it to be
more sparkly, you know?

I want you to pop, you know?

- Yeah, I don't really
like it either.

- Oh, cool,
just try another one.

- Yeah, yeah,
there's tons more.

- Oh, you'll find
the perfect one.

Anything you want.

[gasping]
There's so many dresses.

They're so expensive.

No, I can't come in
to see colors tomorrow.

I'm a very busy man, okay?

Alexa, what's on my schedule
for tomorrow?

- No appointments
are scheduled for tomorrow.

- Alexa, cancel all my
auditions for tomorrow, please.

- There's nothing
on your calendar tomorrow.

- Uh, Alexa, can you
make something up

so Arturo's not humiliated
in front of his friends?

- Okay, I'm clearly
getting no support, so...

- We're trying
to support you, man.

It's just kinda...kinda crazy.
Are you okay?

- [sighs]
No, dude. I just...

She's had a really
tough run of it lately,

and I just want it
to be perfect, you know,

but the worst part is,
I thought the "Hancock" money

was gonna be enough
to cover the budget.

I almost blew all of it already
just on the venue alone.

It's a church basement.

- Jesus wouldn't
charge that.

- She is about to become
a young woman in front

of my whole family, and
they all think I can't do this.

[laughs]

[gasping]
I can't do this.

God, I can't do this.
I suck at it. I'm so bad.

- No, you can do this.

You're doing
a really sweet thing.

- I still need a band
and I need dancers

and I need decorations...

And a new tiara.
That's crap.

- Get out
of this funk, man.

You can do this, all right?

I know some dancers. I bet you
I can get 'em for cheap.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And I can
help you decorate.

- That'd be incredible.
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, and my mariachi band
can play.

- Wait, you have a mari...
never mind.

Sure, you're hired.
- Cool.

- Oh.

- This is the one.

- Ah.
- Aw.

- Honey, you look...
you look perfect.

- But, tío,
it's the most expensive dress.

Are you sure?

- Oh, that one
was still in there, huh?

- Yeah, it's very pretty.
I like...

Why are you crying?

- I'm just so...
[gulps]

[whispers]
Happy for you.

Happy.

Happy tears.

[cool percussive music]

[upbeat music]
[overlapping chatter]

[door slams]

- Hey, Tina.
Hey, Paul.

- Oh, hey.
- I'm sorry I'm late.

I was already running
a little behind,

and then my Lyft
was taking forever.

Oh, and when I was getting
ready for the party,

I fell down in the shower.

- Oh, no worries.
Lyfts can be tough.

- Mm-hmm.

- What was that
about the shower?

- Oh, no big deal.

I was taking a shower

and I slipped
and then I fell down.

- Oh.

- Paul, Tina, congratulations.

- Thanks, man.

It's good to see you.
- Hey.

Hey, Benny.
- Hey, Roger.

Oh, just so you know,

I fell down in the shower
earlier today.

- [laughs]

Okay, wait, what?

- Oh, I was taking a shower
before the party,

and then I slipped
and I fell down.

I'm okay, you know.

Just one of those things.

- It's okay, Benny.
It's not a big deal.

- Yeah, I know.

I just felt since
I told you guys,

I should tell Roger,
you know?

I don't want him
to be like,

"Hey, what's this thing
about the shower?"

or, "Why didn't you tell me
about the shower?

Does he hate me?"

So, Roger,
I'm telling you now.

Uh, I fell in the shower,
I'm fine,

and I do not hate you.
I don't.

- Okay, man.

- Oh, do you guys know
of a place around here

that sells handlebars that
you can install in the shower?

Well, not a shower,
in my shower.

- We're gonna
go play host.

- Yes.

- I am so happy
for Paul and Tina.

- Oh, definitely.
They're the best couple.

I could tell
he was gonna propose.

- Oh, totally.

I fell in the shower today,

and I have
a rubber shower mat too.

What is up with that,
you know?

- Why are you
telling us?

- Oh, I just felt
we sorta covered

the whole
Tina-and-Paul thing, you know?

It's like, what else
is there to talk about?

- Oh.
- Oh.

- It's crazy how so many
rubber things that we think

are sticky and grippy
aren't that sticky at all.

For example, there's
a lot of shower mats out there.

They say they're made out of
this rubbery, sticky material,

but then people buy them
and they find out

they're not very sticky on
feet, like, at all, you know?

- Sorry, but we just told you
that we didn't want

to talk about how you fell down
in the shower anymore.

- I'm not talking
about falling in the shower.

I'm talking
about rubber mats.

How is that
the same thing?

One is about a piece
of rubber about yay big,

and the other one is about me
toppling over in the shower

and splitting
my bathing suit in half

and now having to take it
to an expensive tailor.

- You wear a bathing suit
in the shower?

- I do, yeah.
[slurps]

- Can you tell me
where you got that drink?

- Oh, um, Paul and Tina
didn't have anything I liked,

so I just popped out
for a second.

Do you guys know
if there's gonna be

McNuggets here later, or...

do you have to pop out
for that too?

- That is so scary.

I had a friend, slipped
in the shower, hit her head.

She was out for,
like, three hours.

Her sister-in-law
didn't find...

- Is your friend
here right now?

- Oh, no.

- Oh, okay, 'cause I was
kind of talking about me.

I really don't know
how we got into

this whole thing
about an unnamed friend.

- I'm sorry. I'm going
to end this conversation.

You seem like a nice person,
but you're very rude.

[glass clinking]

- So I know I was getting a
little emotional and rambly...

- You took forever, yeah.

- Um, but I really
love you guys,

and I wish you
nothing but the best.

To Paul and Tina.
- To Paul and Tina.

[glasses clinking]

- I'll make a toast.
- No, Benny, please.

- So, um, I fell
in the shower today.

Oh, McNugget.

It's never
happened to me before,

and I'm thinking about getting
one of those shower chairs.

- Benny, enough!
- What?

- You've been talking
about this all night.

No one cares.

[poignant music]

- No one cares?

Hal?
- No.

- Chad.

Vivian, you care
a little bit, yeah?

- I care.

- I have serious problems
with you.

- Okay.

- Well, I feel like dirt.

I'm sorry that I ruined
everybody's good time.

I'm gonna use the restroom,
and then I will go.

[door slams]
Help!

Help!
Somebody please help me!

- Let me guess,
you fell down in the shower?

- Uh, no, he has his foot
stuck in the toilet.

- Please help me, somebody.

Please not Jessica.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[upbeat Latin dance music]

- Hey, guys.
Whoa, that's a lot of churros.

[laughs]
They're surprisingly expensive.

[laughs]
Don't eat too many.

Where the hell are my lights?

Okay, let's get that
disco ball spinning, please.

Thank you so much.
Hi! Hey!

I didn't see you.
Maya, you look wonderful.

No! No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, the bar is only
open for five more minutes.

After that, it is cash only.

Yes, I'm charging
at a quince,

and I'm super broke.
Do not judge me today.

Jen, Seaton, we ready?

- Ready to go.
- On it.

- Chris, all right,
man, you ready?

- Yeah.
- All right, great.

Chris, are those three white
guys dressed as mariachis?

- Yeah, man,
it's my band.

- Okay, I'll be mad
about this later.

Okay, when the balloons drop,
you start playing, great?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Hey. [laughs]
Not cool.

Not cool.
Very not cool.

[knock on door]

No, I said one churro
per person.

What is this, Christmas?

Look at you.
You're a vision.

- I'm excited.
My dress is so sparkly!

- I may have spent
five hours last night

gluing some extra rhinestones,
so try not to move too much.

- Thank you for all of this.

- Well, you're family, Maribel.
I'd do anything for you.

Plus, you have excellent taste
in theater.

I mean, that "Hancock"
performance, really.

- Well, I mean,
I don't think John Hancock

ever said, "Cool beans," but,
you know, you did really well.

- Thank you.
That was an improv.

- I could tell.

[both imitate explosion]

- You're ready.
Let's do this.

[upbeat Latin dance music]

It is my pleasure to present
to you the quinceañera

of one of my favorite people
in the world: Queen Maribel.

[applause]

Oh!

Cue balloons.

Jen, hi.
- Hi.

- Are these funeral balloons?

- Well, given
our time constraint

and budget of zero dollars,
I think I did a very nice job.

- ♪ When a girl walks in
with an itty, bitty waist ♪

- Oh, no.

- ♪ And a round thing
in your face, you get sprung ♪

♪ Wanna pull up tough ♪

♪ 'Cause you notice
that butt was stuffed ♪

- Hey, Chris?
- Yeah?

- Is that a mariachi version
of "Baby Got Back"?

- Yeah, isn't it great?

- No!
It's so inappropriate!

[chuckles] All right,
Seton, cue the dancers.

I need a distraction now.

- ♪ Oh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin ♪

♪ You say you wanna
get in my Benz? ♪

♪ Well, use me, use me ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't
that average groupie ♪

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

- ♪ I've seen her dancin'... ♪

- What the hell, man?

I thought you said
they were dancers?

- Well, they are dancers.

But don't worry. I asked them
to tone it down.

- Does this look
toned-down to you, man?

- Hell yeah.

You should see 'em
on the weekends.

It is very sexual.

- Okay, okay, okay,
stop, stop, stop!

Everybody stop!
Stop it!

Just stop for a second, okay?

- Arturo, I am
very disappointed.

Let's go.

- I'm sorry, I...
- Mm.

- This party
was a real piece of shit.

- Yeah, note taken.

[cool percussive music]

- All right, people,
let's look alive.

We're coming back in
from commercial in 3, 2...

[applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen,
John Regale.

[cheers and applause]

[gentle music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ Hey, girl ♪

♪ You set my heart on fire ♪

♪ Its heat takes me
ever higher ♪

♪ Ever burning with desire ♪

- All right,
let's ready camera two.

Push in, and...go.

- ♪ Fuego ♪

- Wow, that's a...
that's a lot of candles.

- ♪ Your burning flame ♪

♪ I feel it in your name ♪

♪ One touch,
I'll never be the same ♪

- Oh, what a shirt.

So beautiful.

- Yeah, so flowy
and so close to the candles.

Oh, man, I really wish
we would have rehearsed this.

- [laughs]
John Regale doesn't rehearse.

Everybody knows that.

- ♪ On my skin,
I feel your glow ♪

♪ Gimme all of your fuego ♪

♪ Yours is a love
that can't be scared away ♪

[audience screaming]

- Are those scarecrows?

Are there actual scarecrows
onstage right now?

What the hell's
this song about, anyway?

- The song is obviously
about fire, Dave.

- Tom, I swear to God.

- ♪ You make my heart
beat faster ♪

♪ In this game,
you are the master ♪

♪ Burning like... ♪

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

What is he doing?
What is he doing?

Okay, please tell me
there's no actual hydrogen

in that mini
"Hindenburg."

- John Regale believes
in 100% authenticity

for each performance.

- ♪ Fuego ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

- Yes! Yes! We did it!
We got through the whole song

and nobody...nobody
caught on fire!

Yes!
- Aye!

[audience screaming]

- Cut to commercial.

[screaming continues]

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[overlapping chatter]

- Oh, honey, I'm so sorry
I ruined your party.

Um, I rushed it,
you know, and, uh...

- Are you kidding?
This is amazing.

- It...it is?

- Yeah. You guys,
are you having fun?

- Best quince ever.
These balloons are hilarious.

- And the band is awesome.
- See?

- Yeah, but the aunts
and uncles are leaving.

- Good. Let them all leave.

- Yeah, this is the first
quince I've been to

that doesn't have a bunch
of freaky old people.

- I'm just happy that
you care enough to do this.

Now let's have some fun.

Hit it, mariachis.

[trumpet fanfare]

[bass-heavy hip-hop beat]

- ♪ I like big butts,
and I cannot lie ♪

♪ You other brothers
can't deny ♪

♪ That when a girl walks in
with an itty, bitty waist ♪

- Oh, no, excuse me.

Hey, hey, sorry, do you mind if
we tone it down a little bit?

This is a party
for teenagers, you know?

- It's all good.
I am a teenager.

- Nope, nope.
No, no.

Okay, we're putting
clothes on.

How about some food?
We've got great food.

Just no churros, if you
don't mind. Thank you.

- ♪ Me so horny ♪