Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Neighbor - full transcript

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- I was at this art exhibit
and I saw this sculpture,

and I was like,
who did this amazing sculpture?

And she's like, me.
That's how I met Casey.

[laughter]

- I like to think I seduced
him with my erotic artwork.

It's all very vaginal.

- Oh, it's not all vaginal.
There's some butt stuff.

- What's vaginal?

- Uh, I'm gonna run
to the restroom.

Feel free to talk
about me while I'm gone.

- We'd never do that.
That's so rude.



- Mm. [laughs]
- All right.

- You have one minute.
Tell me everything.

- Okay, I like her.

She's nice
and her hair smells good.

- What?

- Stop smelling women
you don't know, Chris.

- Well, I think she's hot.
I mean, I'd date her.

I mean, obviously because
you're dating her,

I'm not gonna date her.

But if you weren't dating her,
I'd be dating her.

But I'll just follow
on Instagram.

- You didn't
have to tell me that.

You could've just followed her.

- I mean, she's a cool,
successful artist



without being
an asshole about it.

That may be a first.
- Yep.

- And she's super-grounded
for an Aquarius.

- Wait, when's her birthday?

- Friday.

She mentioned it when you
were talking to the bartender

about the brand of soap
in the bathroom.

- I have to get her
an awesome gift.

- That's a terrible idea.

Remind everyone how long
you've been dating her.

- [mumbles]

- What?

- Project.
You're classically trained.

- Three weeks, okay?
So what?

- So that's way too soon
for birthday stuff.

I've dated guys for three weeks

who I didn't even know
their last name.

- Well, I'm sorry that romance
is dead for you.

- Untrue.

- Don't ask me.

Longest relationship
I had lasted one month.

- Chris, that's really sad.

But we don't have time to talk
about that right now.

She's gonna pee and come back.

- I personally think
it's never too soon

for a little birthday stuff,
all right?

- And that's why
you're my friend.

- Stop it.

- I had a woman who got me
a car after our second date.

Yeah, I mean,
she was a little older,

but she introduced
me to her friends,

and I got some gifts
from them, too.

So it really worked out.

- Seaton, were you
a prostitute?

- Legally, no.
- Okay.

- So I think they have both

sufficiently disqualified their
opinions on relationships.

- Oh.
- Okay, but listen.

I know that it might seem
like too soon,

but I've connected
with her so much already,

I would feel like a dick
if I didn't get her something.

- Trust me, okay?

It's too soon
for birthday stuff.

- Fine, I won't do anything
for her birthday.

God.

- Sit up straight.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- So what are we doing
for your birthday?

[chuckles]

- Seaton was a hooker.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[applause]

- Thank you for helping
me at the talent show, Dad,

even though the finale
didn't go quite as planned.

[audience laughter]

- Don't worry, mi hija.

You have worse memories
than trying to salsa dance

in a mermaid costume.

[audience laughter]

Goodnight, mi hija.

- Wait, Dad,
can I ask you something?

- Yes, of course, mi hija.

- Do you speak Spanish?

[audience laughter]

- Sí.

Of course, I do.

Why do you ask?

- It just seems forced
whenever you say mi hija.

[audience laughter]

- Very funny.
Bedtime now.

I love you, mi hija.

[audience awws]

[soft rock music]

[tense music]

- Look, kid, you have to stop
asking those questions, okay?

We are one-note Latino
characters on a sitcom.

We only exist so that white
people can feel less racist.

- Is that why Mom
is so much hotter than you?

- Wow, rude, but yes,
that's related.

Look, you gotta play
along, okay?

It's the only way people
like us can exist on TV.

- But I don't
want to just be a daughter

on a vaguely Hispanic sitcom.

- Trust me, it's way better
than the only other alternative

for Latino characters.
Way better.

- I don't care.
I want to experience the world.

- Don't. Do not do it.
No, no.

Hey, get back here.
Stop it.

[police siren]

[gun cocking]

- Hands up!

We know you're hiding
50 kilos of cocaine.

- What the fuck is going on?

[guns cocking]

[urban accent] Why am I
talking like this?

This shit is loco, ese.
I'm outta here.

[soft rock music]

- Next time use the front door
like the rest of us, mi hija.

[audience laughter]

And remember,
I love you, mi hija.

[audience awws]

- I love you, too, Dad.

- Goodnight.

- Night.

- Close your eyes.
They're watching.

[cool percussive music]

[dramatic music]

- General, the guerrilla forces
are closing in.

- I fear we are out of time.
What should we do?

- Soldiers, I have given
my life to the cause.

I have stared death
in the face more times

than I care to remember.

My entire life has been danger,

but why have I survived
this long? Hm?

It's because I do not see fear
or threats, or...

Uh-oh.
Plot twist.

Who left these bad boys here?

Seriously, you cannot leave
these lying around.

Somebody is going to get hurt.

And that somebody is me.
Excuse me.

[laughs]
You know. Mm.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Are you kidding
me right now?

Pink frosting
with rainbow sprinkles?

Just shoot me
in the face already.

These are too dangerous.
Too dangerous.

Oh, my God.
- With all due respect,

we are facing a critical
situation, General.

- Do you want to see critical,
young man?

Take a look at this waistline.

Am I right?
Up top.

- Sir, perhaps we should
get back to the plan.

- I did not know
there were two generals.

All I see is one general,

unless I polish
these bad boys off.

Then there will be two of me.

[chews loudly]

I bloat immediately.
Immediately.

- Sir, our forces
are awaiting orders.

- Okay, you're right.
It's very simple.

Our defenses cut all
along this line.

Now our blind spot...
okay is it just me,

or does the map of Colombia
look like a giant cupcake.

I mean, who put
the sprinkle there?

These are obviously sprinkles.

- General, please.
Yesterday we lost 800 men.

- And I literally
just consumed 800 calories.

In long term, which is worse?

- The 800 men.

- You tell that to my pants.
I mean, seriously.

[helicopter whirs]

- They're here.
Base camp's been overrun.

The situation
is out of control.

- I know the feeling.

Out of control, like...
like I shouldn't?

I shouldn't, but I am.

- General, we will fight
for the last man.

- Do not leave me alone
with these cupcakes.

Too dangerous.
Ah, it's so dangerous.

Mmm.

- I would kill for a glass
of milk right now.

Like, literally murder someone.

[gunfire]

- Nobody move.
- [shouts]

- General Bautista,
we have you surrounded.

Raise your hands,
or we will kill all your men.

And the other hand?

The other one.

Both at the same time!

La dos.

- [groaning]

- The poison cupcakes worked.

- General was right.

- Most dangerous cupcakes.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[pop music]

- Oh, wow.

Ooh.

- Hi, can I help
you find anything?

- Actually, yes, I'm looking
for a gift

for my romantic lady-friend.

- Mm, wonderful.
What's the occasion?

- Her birthday.

- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah.

She's having dinner with some
friends, you know,

and she invited me.
So...

- Fun.
- Yeah.

Well, technically,
I asked her what she was doing

for her birthday
and she's like,

I'm having dinner with friends.

And I was like, can I come?
[laughs]

But she said yes
almost immediately.

So, yeah.

- How long have
you been dating?

- Three weeks.

- Okay, yeah,
so this is a mistake.

- I know how it sounds,
but I just feel like

it's been just so much longer
than that, you know?

- Hmm.

- What about this hat?
Hello.

- Oh, it's...

- Calling to me, so to speak.
You know?

- Absolutely. Um...
- Wow.

- Can I give you some advice?

- Sure.

- And this isn't easy for me

because I'd make a huge
commission off this hat.

I mean, massive.

But look, if you've only
bee dating her three weeks,

you really shouldn't
be getting her a gift.

- But you don't know her
like I know her, so...

- Mm-kay. Well, if that's true,
what's her favorite color?

Favorite TV show.

- [mutters]

- What are her parents like,
you know?

What are her dreams,
her hopes?

Does she like dessert?

- I know she makes
papier-mâché vaginas

and her birthday's on Friday.

- Okay.

You know, it isn't really
my place to say this,

but a bad gift is so much
worse than no gift.

- Oh, wow.
Thank you.

I'm gonna take the hat.

[cash register chimes]

- You're gonna regret this.

- Oh, I'm not.

- Here's the receipt you need

when you need
to return the hat.

- Oh, cool.
I won't be needing this.

- Okay.

- But thank you.

- Can you pick that up?

- Yeah, sorry.
That was just super rude.

[cool percussive music]

[crowd cheering]

- Whew.

- Whoa, coming in hot.

Ahh.

You know, if you shake
it more than once,

you're playing with yourself.

[laughs]

- Yeah.

- Ooh.
Whoa, sorry about that.

- Watch out, dude.

- That was almost
a helmet-to-helmet hit.

- Hey, you know what they say.

You shake it more than once,
you're playing with it.

- [laughs]

Who is that over there?

- Who, what?

No.
Sammy.

- Carl, I knew
it was you, buddy.

Good to see you.
- What up?

- Guys, guys, guys, guys!
Guys!

Please be careful, man.

You almost pissed
all over me, dude.

- Pfft.

- Pissed all over you.
Did you hear that, Carl?

- I don't think we've done
a proper introduction here.

- We are legends.

There's no chance
of that happening.

- Back in '97, Carl here and I
won the Micturition Nationals.

- What's
a Micturition National?

- What's the Micturition
Nationals?

You hear that, Carl?

- Wow. Wow.
- [whistles]

We invite you
to watch and learn.

[both inhale]

- It's really good to see you.

- I love you.

[both exhale]

[classical music]

♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

- Wow.

That was incredible.

Wow.

- Thank you so much.

And that was really
great improv, kid.

- Oh, my God.
Thank you so...do you mean that?

- You're a natural.

- Well, I mean, you shake it
more than once,

you're playing with it.

But you shake it
more than twice,

now that's art, my buddy.

[all laughing]

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, sorry.

- Yep. Sorry.
- Sorry about that.

[cool percussive music]

- With liberty
and justice for all.

And that's how you say

the Pledge of Allegiance
in America.

Thank you.

[applause]

- Good job, Imelda.

Okay, let's move on
to the next subject

you should know about
as recent immigrants.

We're talking gun violence.

- Oh, I know all about that.

There's a lot of gun violence
in my country,

but I am very happy
to be safe in America

where there are no cartels.
Thank goodness, you know?

- Okay, though that
may be true, Diego,

we do have gun violence
in this country.

For example,
mass shootings in schools.

- Oh, unfortunately,
we have that stuff, too.

Two students
are in rival cartels,

and they shoot
each other at the school.

It's very tragic.

- Okay, no, in this country

it's more like a single student
shoots other students.

- Because he's in a cartel,

so he's taking out the family
of his rival.

I understand.

- Nope.
It's not a cartel thing.

- Mm. Okay, excuse me.
Sorry.

- Yes, Diego.

- He is the drug lord
of the school, right?

And he's trying to tell
everybody that he is the man.

- No, it's more like
he's just a lonely kid.

- I'm sorry, lonely?

- Yes, or like,
like really shy.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, I'm sorry.
My English is not very good.

The student must want
something, right?

Money or power, revenge.

- No, he's, like, looking
for something like a date.

- But does he get
the date or...?

- No, he usually kills them.

Okay?
It's messed up.

Yes?

- If he is not in a cartel,

then where is he
getting his guns?

- You can get guns anywhere.
It's America.

I can get you a gun.

- Let's move on.

Let's move on.
I'm sorry, everybody.

- I mean, mass shootings happen
anywhere that there's a crowd.

A movie theater, a nightclub,
a church.

You may remember one recently
that happened in Las Vegas

at the concert.

- Okay, concerts make sense.

Because the singer
was singing narcocorridos

about a rival cartel member,

so they shot him
to send a message.

- No, actually, the singer
wasn't hurt.

- He was aiming at the singer,

missed, and shot
some innocent bystanders?

- No, he was aiming
at the innocent bystanders.

- Because they were
in a rival cartel.

- No one was in a cartel.

- The shooter had
a blood feud with his victims.

- The shooter did not know
his victims.

- He took their money
after he killed them.

- Shot himself.
Killed himself.

He didn't get anything
out of it.

- Okay.

I'm not gonna get this,
so...

sorry to interrupt.

- It's all right.
You'll get it eventually.

Where are you going?

- Oh, I'm just going
back to Central America.

It is super dangerous,

but they have rules
I can understand.

- Can't argue with that.
[laughs]

- I'm so sorry.
Good luck.

- Okay, let's talk
about opioids.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Thank you all for being here.

You've been my dearest friends
for as long as I can remember,

and I love each one of you.

And Arturo, uh...

you're also here.

- I'm glad I'm here, too.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- To Casey.

- So how long have
you two been dating?

- Three weeks.

- Oh. Wow.

- I know.
It's very exciting.

Hey, do you know
when we're doing gifts?

- We're not.

Casey thinks gifts
are consumer bullshit.

- Got it.

No gifts.
So unnecessary.

[loud clang]

- Ow!

What is that?

Hey, did somebody bring a gift?

- Oh.

- Who would do that?

You know, Casey doesn't
like gifts, people.

I personally think
they are consumer bullshit,

and I'm not afraid to say it.

It says...
- Don't read that.

- To Casey, with budding love
and relatively new

but definitely real affection.

From Arturo.

- Arturo, did you...
do you get me a gift?

- Yeah, I didn't know
we weren't doing gifts.

I'm sorry...

- Oh.

It's okay.

Here, I'll open it.

- No, you don't have to.

Let's enjoy...

hors d'oeuvres?

- Wow...um...

it's so...it's so big.

[laughs]

What does this button do?

- Please don't press...

[all gasping]

- Um...wow.

This is...

a lot.

But...but very sweet.

But...but mostly a lot.

- Yeah, you know, you can just
open it later, or never.

That would be fun.

- Oh, my God.

- It's not that big a deal.

- [laughs]

That's hilarious.
Is that...is that a hat?

[laughs]

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, what?

- Oh, my God. For a second,
I thought it was a real gift.

This is so ugly.

[laughter]

- Yeah.

Ew.

- Oh, my God.
That's hideous.

I love it.
Let me take a selfie with it.

- [laughs]

- Oh, my God.
And she hates hats.

You know her so well.
What a...what a great guy.

- Did nobody else
bring a prank gift?

- Yeah.

[camera clicks]

[cool percussive music]

[clock ticking]

- Narcocorrido,
or drug ballad,

is a style of folk music
born in the north of Mexico.

The music's themes deal
with the dangerous and violent

lives of the most famous
drug smugglers.

Tonight we talk
to Juan Trevino,

and his narcocorrido band,
Las Arañas,

to find out
what inspires them.

- Ay ay ay ay ay!

- Now as we know, traditional
narcocorrido music is all about

drug lords and gangsters
and vicious killers.

- Yes, and we do enjoy singing
about these men.

We do.

But it has its downsides.

If Jorge loses one more finger,

he will not be able
to play E minor.

But now we sing about different

but equally
dangerous criminals.

[trumpet blares]

Paco, Paco.
Too loud, man.

Too loud.

- Why don't we take a look
at one of your latest songs?

[singing in Spanish]

Ay ay ay ay ay!

- Hey, stop following me,
assholes.

Did...did you follow around
an actual jaywalker

for that video?

- Yes.
Yes, we did follow him,

because we are not
afraid of anything.

No fear.

[trumpet blares]

Paco, Paco, Paco!

What did I just say, man?

The big noises, okay.
They're a lot, brother.

- Okay, let's take a look
at another one of your songs.

- If you losers tell on me,
I'll kick your ass.

- You guys scare very easily.

- No way, ma'am.

If we got scared so easily,

why would we name
our band Las Arañas?

- The Spiders?

- Where, where, where?
I hate them. Where?

[trumpet blares]

Paco, enough!

You are done.
You are done.

- Nothing you guys sing about
is even remotely dangerous.

- Then you obviously haven't
heard our song

about the most ruthless killer.

"El Asesino."

- The Assassin.

Okay, now we're talking.

- If you can handle it.
Let's play it.

- Okay, I don't want
to be rude,

but you guys are pathetic,

and this was a total
waste of my time.

- That was, like,
extremely rude.

Uncalled for.

[gasps]

Orale.

[mariachi music]

Spider!
Spider!

[clock ticking]

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

[pop music]

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Can I please return
this as quickly as possible?

- Oh, of course.

Kate, can you come up front
and handle this return?

- [laughs]

Well, hello, valued customer.

Let me guess.
She didn't like it.

- Actually, she loved it.

It's just...

too small for her head.
- Oh.

- Yeah, she has
a very big head,

and it's very
embarrassing to her,

so please, let's stop
talking about it.

- So you'll just need
to exchange it

for a larger size, then?

- It gave her a horrible rash.

You know, and she's really
in deep pain right now,

and just...don't want to sue.

I just want my money back.
Okay?

- She doesn't have a rash.

- She died.

- Oh.
- Horribly.

It's really painful
to talk about.

- Look, I'll make you
a deal, okay?

You don't have a receipt,
so you can't return the hat.

But I'll make an exception,

if you admit you should've
taken my advice.

- What's up, bro?

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪