Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 5 - La Pulga - full transcript
A man struggles with his apology to a colleague, Pitbull comes to a troubling realization, and Arturo considers a problematic film role.
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---
- Arturo.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
My man.
Perrier?
- Oh, no, thanks,
too bubbly.
Sensitive throat from
tenor camp in high school.
- Mm, all right,
my fourth of the day.
- Cool.
- Ahh.
Arturo, I like you.
I like the way you act.
I like the way you look.
And now that we've met
in person,
I like the way you smell.
- Musk by Stallone.
- Oh, of course.
I've been watching your career,
and I want you to screen test
for a starring role
in our new superhero franchise.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God, you want me to play
a superhero?
- Well, screen test, all right?
It's down to you and four other
great actors, big names.
I mean, have you heard
of Oscar Isaac?
- Yeah, I'm familiar, yeah.
- Yeah, he's from Guatemala
too.
- Yeah, so I heard. I heard
that about him, yeah.
- Seems like you guys probably
crossed paths at some point?
- No, we haven't.
- Really?
Probably run into him
on an audition?
- I think we audition
for different stuff.
- What about "Star"...you
audition for "Star Wars"?
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, you should have
auditioned for "Star Wars."
- Yes.
- You would have loved that.
- So what's the role?
- All right,
so are you ready for this?
He's the first Latino superhero
ever.
It's the next "Black Panther."
- My God, that movie was
huge for the black community.
- Yeah, and it made a ton
of money.
- Right, but it was also
the first time kids got to see
a black superhero on screen.
I mean, it made huge strides.
- Made huge strides at the box
office too, right?
- Okay, mm-hmm.
- I mean, a Latino superhero.
25% of movie tickets are bought
by you people.
- You...you people?
- Yeah, and you are going
to love this character.
He's strong, he's complex,
he's crucial
in today's current climate.
- Oh, my God, yes.
What's...what's his name?
- He is...La Pulga.
Oh, La Pulga.
- Uh, The...The Flea?
- Well, I think we're gonna
stick with La Pulga.
Not really taking notes
on the title right now.
- Mm-hmm.
[cool percussive music]
♪ ♪
[all murmuring indistinctly]
- Good afternoon.
Nancy.
My time away has...
humbled me.
And I'm very, very grateful
to be back.
Two weeks ago I used a word
that no one should ever, ever
use.
It was a vulgar and offense
word used to describe
the female genitalia.
And I used it towards
a coworker.
So before the big shareholder
meeting next Tuesday,
I wanted to apologize
for my inexcusable behavior
and to make a promise
that I will never again
use this word.
Tiffany and I had
a miscommunication
as to whether or not a beverage
should be iced.
And I thought at the time
that she was being...
that her behavior
was that of a cunt.
C-word.
You know what?
Let...
Let me start over.
I grew up in a different time,
where words like these
could be used casually,
you know, like,
hey or howdy.
But I realize the times
have changed
and that my words were
offensive to Tiffany.
What I learned too late in life
was that when you have power
over someone, you just cannot
used certain words
to describe them,
whether or not you thought it
was a real cunt move
to report you to HR.
God damn it.
I'm gonna take some time
to think long and hard
about my actions.
Excuse me.
Cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt.
Don't fucking say it.
Don't fucking say it.
In the past ten seconds, I've
done a lot of soul-searching.
And I've realized that there is
no circumstance
where I or anyone else
can use that word.
I will now give
a sincere apology
without using that word at all.
[inhales]
[exhales]
Cunt.
God damn it.
Okay, look,
I know it's a bad word,
and I understand
why it's offensive,
so I am truly sorry, Tiffany,
and I will see you
next Tuesday.
You see what I did there?
"See you next Tuesday."
It spells cunt.
God damn it.
God damn it.
I have learned a lot today,
and I cunt thank you eno...
ahh!
Next Tuesday.
♪ ♪
- [speaking Spanish]
Yo, my life is awesome.
Ha-ha.
Uh-oh, hey, mamacitas,
you want to take a picture
with Pitbull?
Come on, generosity,
generosity.
Blessings, blessings.
Okay, let's do it.
Hey, above ground,
above ground, above ground.
That's enough.
Not too much Pitbull for you.
What's up, young man?
You want to take a picture?
- No, I'm good.
- You don't want a picture
with me?
- Nah, you're a douche.
- But I'm Mr. Worldwide.
- Yeah, more like
Mr. Worldwide douche.
[upbeat music winding down]
♪ ♪
- You all right, boss?
Drink your Bud Light Lime.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
- Dale.
- Yeah.
- My life is awesome.
[dark music]
- More like Mr. Worldwide
douche, Worldwide douche,
Worldwide douche,
Worldwide douche.
- [gasps]
[breathing heavily]
[keyboard clacking]
- ♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Uh, sexy ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
No, that's got to be
the same song, right?
No, it's not. It's, like,
four different albums.
Ha-ha, dale is a way of life,
man, okay?
When you dale, you have
to dale 100%, okay?
You have to feel it
right here in your heart meat.
What the fuck
am I talking about?
Dale doo-doo,
bad-doo-ga-doo-ga-doong,
mm-mm.
[dark music]
Am I a douche?
♪ ♪
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think I'm a douche.
♪ ♪
[sniffling]
Mami, Papi,
where'd I go wrong?
Did I dale too hard?
[line trilling]
- What up? You've reached
Pitbull's parents.
We're probably partying
around the 305.
Leave a message.
[air horn blaring]
- Yo, what up, parents?
It's me, Pitbull.
I just wanted to talk,
'cause I'm feeling a little...
[phone beeping]
- We're sorry. Your call
has been disconnected.
[sobbing]
¿Por qué?
[tense music]
- Pitbull?
- Pitbull.
- Mr. Worldwide.
- Yo, something's wrong.
[air horn blaring]
Pitbull.
[air horn blaring]
- Armando.
- Dude, no real names.
He hates that.
[air horns blaring]
- All Pitbull wanted to do was
dale all over the world.
Why have you forsaken me?
Why? Why?
- Yo, Pitbull.
What you doin' up there?
- Yo, I'm in a real bad place
right now, man.
I think I suck or something.
- What?
No way.
You Pitbull, man.
- Yeah.
- I know, man.
I think that's the problem.
- Come on, man.
Do you remember what you said
to me the first time we met?
You looked me dead in the eye
and said,
"You see that shorty
over there?
"She got a fat ass.
Go ask her if I can touch it."
- That's terrible, man.
I sounded like a creeper
in the 305.
- You're wrong.
Nobody can do what you do,
even if you do it a lot
and in the same way every time.
- Yeah, you're not Mr. 305
no more.
You're Mr. Worldwide.
- Yeah.
both: ♪ Worldwide Worldwide
Worldwide Worldwide ♪
- ♪ Dale, dale culo, dale ♪
Oh, yeah.
I'm Mr. Worldwide.
both: Yeah.
- This biggidy-boy is
a diggidy-dog.
- That's what I'm talkin'
about.
- I can do anything.
- Anything.
- Anything you want.
- I can fly.
- Yeah. Oh, wait, no.
- What? No.
- [shouts]
- No, no, no, no.
Oh.
- [groans]
Dale.
[air horn blares]
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
- What do you guys think?
It's pretty cool, right?
- I mean, La Pulga,
he's an insect.
- Right, but so it Ant-Man,
and everybody loves Ant-Man.
- No, people love Paul Rudd.
And you're no Paul Rudd.
- Thank you, Jen,
keeping it honest.
- La Pulga has this move where
he latches on to his enemies,
and he sucks the life
from them.
- Isn't that great?
- Pretty obvious statement
about Latinos being parasites.
- Dude, he's super strong.
Look, he can leap from country
to country in a single bound.
- Like a border jumper?
- No, Jen, not like
a border jumper.
He can just leap from country
to country...
oh, my God,
like a border jumper.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wow.
Should I cancel
the screen test?
- I mean, we're not saying not
to do it,
but maybe just something to be
aware of.
- Right.
I mean, it's still an important
movie, right?
- Wow, La Pulga takes a lot of
naps.
- Because saving the world is
exhausting, okay?
- Yeah, that must be it.
- Let me tell you something.
It's not about the story, man.
It's about the moment in
history, okay?
Imagine what this could do for
the community?
Imagine this, right?
You're a Latino kid, right?
You're in the movie theater,
lights go down,
Suddenly, boom on the screen,
like, what's that, you know?
Something super fast, right?
And suddenly, boom, credits...
La Pugla.
- Why are you sticking your hip
out like that?
- This is how heroes stand.
- Like a mad mom?
- All right, fine.
- La Pulga.
- You look like a teapot,
like an angry teapot.
- Fine.
- Yeah, maybe a little tougher.
- Yeah, muscles.
- Are you holding in a fart?
- You guys suck.
- This audition is fucked.
[cool percussive music]
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mm, cool.
- It was so fun meeting your
friends tonight.
- Yeah, I wanted to bring
that up, actually.
I don't think we should be
hanging out
with each other's friends.
'cause it makes this seem
a little more serious
than it is, all right?
- Well, we've been seeing
each other for six months.
- We've been theoretically
talking
for about six months, yeah.
- Are you my boyfriend?
- [inhales]
Yep.
The thing is, there's so much
going on
in my career right now,
and that's where my focus has
to be.
'Cause I can be out of here at,
boom, any moment.
[glasses ding]
- Cheers to an amazing
two years.
Happy anniversary.
- [inhales] Yeah, I'd prefer
if we didn't use that word.
- Anniversary?
- Yeah.
It just sort of implies, like,
this is more serious
than it is.
I've got to keep it loose,
you know.
I'm just trying to be honest,
you know, not hurt you.
- I am so happy we're taking
this step.
- [inhales] Yeah, I think
we should see it more
as two people who are just
really attracted
to each other, you know.
- But we're building
a home together.
- Right, and I love you
and shit; I do.
It's just that my high school
girlfriend cheated on me.
- That was 15 years ago.
- And I just find it hard
to trust or change my behavior
in any way, right?
So, Chelsea, we've been talking
for five-ish years now,
and yeah, I'm down to keep
hanging with you,
like, low stakes, you know?
- Rodney, yes or no?
- Oh, yeah, like, I do and
shit, but, like,
you know, let's play it by ear
and whatnot.
[chuckles]
She's cool.
She's super cool, but I'm just
really making moves
in my career right now, so...
- I do.
- I could be out of here
any moment.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
- No.
- Yes. All right, thanks
for everything, bro.
All right, let's party, yeah?
- Um, wait for me.
- Oh, yeah, you coming?
- Yeah.
- All right, cool, cool, cool,
Yeah, my bad.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, so it's, like, hella
life-changing
that we made a human
or whatever, but...
[inhales] I just don't want us
to take this
too seriously, you know,
'cause...'cause of my career.
- Yeah, when you're done
heating up that bottle,
she needs a diaper change.
- Yeah, see, about that,
I don't think we're at a point
where I can be
told what to do by you,
you know?
- Uh-huh, I'll be home at 5:00.
- Right.
I'm just a lone wolf.
You know what I'm saying?
[camera shutter clicks]
- Look at our little girl.
- Yeah, we raised a person
with such elegance and poise.
Just checking. You don't think
we're exclusive, right?
- We've been together
for 25 years.
- Yeah, I just don't like
labels.
- Hi.
- What's up, baby?
- [mouthing words]
- Killing it.
- Rodney, I've always
loved you.
And despite your generally
shitty attitude
towards our relationship,
I know that you love me too.
- Yeah, and I am, you know,
into you as well
in terms of, like,
hanging out for the past
62 years and whatnot,
but you know me.
I could be out of here
at any moment.
[heart rate monitor flatlining]
- [gaps]
[sobbing]
- Yeah, so I'm down to haunt
you or whatever,
but, like, in a non-exclusive
way, you know,
so feel free to do stuff
with other ghosts.
I guess I'll see you at home.
I'll be in the attic.
Peace.
Ghost butt.
Just kidding.
[laughs]
- Fuck.
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
- All right, I want the camera
to just slam in there
on that last line, right?
Just, like, bam.
It's gonna look so as fuck,
dude.
It's gonna be great.
There he is. Yes.
Dude, you look dope as fuck
right now.
Oh, my God, man.
You're making that super suit
more super.
- Oh, thank you so much, man.
I appreciate it.
- How are you feeling?
Feeling good?
- I'm feeling great, man.
Thank you.
Thank you for this opportunity.
- Sure.
You're gonna love this.
Okay, Alan, get over here.
Come here.
Alan.
- Hey, Arturo.
I'm Alan.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Alan. What's up?
What's...
- It's La Pulga's sidekick,
La Cucaracha.
[laughs]
Check it out.
[instrumental version
of "La Cucaracha"]
It's his distress signal.
The song. The...
- Mm-mm, no, nope, nope.
That did it.
Can you turn that shit off,
please?
Sorry. Sorry, Alan.
I can't do this, man.
I can't...who even wrote
this movie, man?
- Ethan and Tyler.
- Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Cool.
Well, let me tell you guys
something.
Ethan and Tyler, you don't know
shit about Latino culture.
No offense, all right?
Dude, this script is, like,
chock-full of stereotypes.
Okay, so my nemesis
is the "Iceman," right?
Ah, okay.
When he's in miniature form,
he lives inside
a tequila bottle.
Are you serious?
- No? That's not...no good?
- No.
And what's with all the naps?
He's always napping.
And don't think I don't know
you mean siestas.
Look, we need more Latino
representation.
We do, and I would love it
if we could have
a Latin superhero,
but this...this...
it's not the way, man.
It's not the way, and I can't
be a part of it.
We've got to be responsible.
You know what I mean?
So thanks for the opportunity,
dude, but I'm out.
- Wow, Arturo, that's...thank
you for your honesty.
That's...that's a lot.
You know, I respect it.
I don't agree necessarily.
'Cause I think this film is
gonna be baller as fuck.
- Right.
- But I hear you.
You got morals, right?
And you're not just gonna throw
them away
for a shit-ton of money.
That's cool. That's cool.
I see you.
- Yeah.
- I see you.
- How much money
is a shit-ton of money?
- Seven figures.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
- Like, high seven figures
or...
- If it were, like,
one more dollar,
it would be eight figures.
- Right.
Thanks for the update again.
- Sure, absolutely.
- Alan, shall we?
- No, I'm good.
- Cool.
[cool percussive music]
[Latin-tinged guitar music]
- Hello, Ann Arbor.
You might have heard this song
on the radio.
Okay, now sing along if you
know the words.
[singing in Spanish]
- What do you think the words
mean?
- I don't know.
It's probably about
how he loves to dance.
- Spanish is such
a beautiful language.
Sing it with me, Ann Arbor.
Vamos, dale!
[all singing in Spanish]
- All right, Ann Arbor,
are you ready
for our special guest?
[all cheer]
You might remember him
from the hit remix to our song.
Please welcome White Casey.
[cheers and applause]
Hit it, White Casey.
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ Girl you know
I love to dance ♪
♪ Ohh-ooh dance dance dance
dance ♪
♪ I love to dance ♪
- I knew that's what it was
about.
- Whoo.
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, how do you say
"thank you so much,
Ann Arbor," in Spanish?
- [speaking Spanish]
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
♪ ♪
- It was a ton of money, but I
just...I couldn't do it, man.
I couldn't.
My conscience wouldn't let me,
you know?
There will be other jobs,
but I...
I only have one culture,
so cheers to integrity.
- Crazy Oscar Isaac agreed
to do it, though, right?
- Excuse me?
- You didn't it online.
- No.
- "Isaac is excited to
represent Latinos
all over the world, saying,
"We're gonna do huge things."
- Why would he do that
super-racist movie?
- It's here too. Look.
"Upon Isaac's request,
the script will be rewritten
"in order to reflect
the realities
of the Latino community."
- Oh, I did not know
that was an option.
- Ooh, there's more.
Oh, there's lots more.
- Okay, will you excuse me?
- "The film is set to be
released on November 26th."
Isn't that your birthday?
- Heh, it's crazy.
- "In honor of the film's
release,
Guatemala is naming 26th
Oscar Isaac Day."
- God damn it!
- Huh.
- You're just making stuff up
now, right?
- Yeah, it's really fun.
- Cool.
---
- Arturo.
- [laughs]
- [laughs]
My man.
Perrier?
- Oh, no, thanks,
too bubbly.
Sensitive throat from
tenor camp in high school.
- Mm, all right,
my fourth of the day.
- Cool.
- Ahh.
Arturo, I like you.
I like the way you act.
I like the way you look.
And now that we've met
in person,
I like the way you smell.
- Musk by Stallone.
- Oh, of course.
I've been watching your career,
and I want you to screen test
for a starring role
in our new superhero franchise.
- Oh, God.
- Yeah.
- Oh, God, you want me to play
a superhero?
- Well, screen test, all right?
It's down to you and four other
great actors, big names.
I mean, have you heard
of Oscar Isaac?
- Yeah, I'm familiar, yeah.
- Yeah, he's from Guatemala
too.
- Yeah, so I heard. I heard
that about him, yeah.
- Seems like you guys probably
crossed paths at some point?
- No, we haven't.
- Really?
Probably run into him
on an audition?
- I think we audition
for different stuff.
- What about "Star"...you
audition for "Star Wars"?
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, you should have
auditioned for "Star Wars."
- Yes.
- You would have loved that.
- So what's the role?
- All right,
so are you ready for this?
He's the first Latino superhero
ever.
It's the next "Black Panther."
- My God, that movie was
huge for the black community.
- Yeah, and it made a ton
of money.
- Right, but it was also
the first time kids got to see
a black superhero on screen.
I mean, it made huge strides.
- Made huge strides at the box
office too, right?
- Okay, mm-hmm.
- I mean, a Latino superhero.
25% of movie tickets are bought
by you people.
- You...you people?
- Yeah, and you are going
to love this character.
He's strong, he's complex,
he's crucial
in today's current climate.
- Oh, my God, yes.
What's...what's his name?
- He is...La Pulga.
Oh, La Pulga.
- Uh, The...The Flea?
- Well, I think we're gonna
stick with La Pulga.
Not really taking notes
on the title right now.
- Mm-hmm.
[cool percussive music]
♪ ♪
[all murmuring indistinctly]
- Good afternoon.
Nancy.
My time away has...
humbled me.
And I'm very, very grateful
to be back.
Two weeks ago I used a word
that no one should ever, ever
use.
It was a vulgar and offense
word used to describe
the female genitalia.
And I used it towards
a coworker.
So before the big shareholder
meeting next Tuesday,
I wanted to apologize
for my inexcusable behavior
and to make a promise
that I will never again
use this word.
Tiffany and I had
a miscommunication
as to whether or not a beverage
should be iced.
And I thought at the time
that she was being...
that her behavior
was that of a cunt.
C-word.
You know what?
Let...
Let me start over.
I grew up in a different time,
where words like these
could be used casually,
you know, like,
hey or howdy.
But I realize the times
have changed
and that my words were
offensive to Tiffany.
What I learned too late in life
was that when you have power
over someone, you just cannot
used certain words
to describe them,
whether or not you thought it
was a real cunt move
to report you to HR.
God damn it.
I'm gonna take some time
to think long and hard
about my actions.
Excuse me.
Cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt-cunt.
Don't fucking say it.
Don't fucking say it.
In the past ten seconds, I've
done a lot of soul-searching.
And I've realized that there is
no circumstance
where I or anyone else
can use that word.
I will now give
a sincere apology
without using that word at all.
[inhales]
[exhales]
Cunt.
God damn it.
Okay, look,
I know it's a bad word,
and I understand
why it's offensive,
so I am truly sorry, Tiffany,
and I will see you
next Tuesday.
You see what I did there?
"See you next Tuesday."
It spells cunt.
God damn it.
God damn it.
I have learned a lot today,
and I cunt thank you eno...
ahh!
Next Tuesday.
♪ ♪
- [speaking Spanish]
Yo, my life is awesome.
Ha-ha.
Uh-oh, hey, mamacitas,
you want to take a picture
with Pitbull?
Come on, generosity,
generosity.
Blessings, blessings.
Okay, let's do it.
Hey, above ground,
above ground, above ground.
That's enough.
Not too much Pitbull for you.
What's up, young man?
You want to take a picture?
- No, I'm good.
- You don't want a picture
with me?
- Nah, you're a douche.
- But I'm Mr. Worldwide.
- Yeah, more like
Mr. Worldwide douche.
[upbeat music winding down]
♪ ♪
- You all right, boss?
Drink your Bud Light Lime.
- [laughs]
- Yeah.
- Dale.
- Yeah.
- My life is awesome.
[dark music]
- More like Mr. Worldwide
douche, Worldwide douche,
Worldwide douche,
Worldwide douche.
- [gasps]
[breathing heavily]
[keyboard clacking]
- ♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
♪ Uh, sexy ♪
♪ Sexy ♪
No, that's got to be
the same song, right?
No, it's not. It's, like,
four different albums.
Ha-ha, dale is a way of life,
man, okay?
When you dale, you have
to dale 100%, okay?
You have to feel it
right here in your heart meat.
What the fuck
am I talking about?
Dale doo-doo,
bad-doo-ga-doo-ga-doong,
mm-mm.
[dark music]
Am I a douche?
♪ ♪
Oh, shit.
Oh, I think I'm a douche.
♪ ♪
[sniffling]
Mami, Papi,
where'd I go wrong?
Did I dale too hard?
[line trilling]
- What up? You've reached
Pitbull's parents.
We're probably partying
around the 305.
Leave a message.
[air horn blaring]
- Yo, what up, parents?
It's me, Pitbull.
I just wanted to talk,
'cause I'm feeling a little...
[phone beeping]
- We're sorry. Your call
has been disconnected.
[sobbing]
¿Por qué?
[tense music]
- Pitbull?
- Pitbull.
- Mr. Worldwide.
- Yo, something's wrong.
[air horn blaring]
Pitbull.
[air horn blaring]
- Armando.
- Dude, no real names.
He hates that.
[air horns blaring]
- All Pitbull wanted to do was
dale all over the world.
Why have you forsaken me?
Why? Why?
- Yo, Pitbull.
What you doin' up there?
- Yo, I'm in a real bad place
right now, man.
I think I suck or something.
- What?
No way.
You Pitbull, man.
- Yeah.
- I know, man.
I think that's the problem.
- Come on, man.
Do you remember what you said
to me the first time we met?
You looked me dead in the eye
and said,
"You see that shorty
over there?
"She got a fat ass.
Go ask her if I can touch it."
- That's terrible, man.
I sounded like a creeper
in the 305.
- You're wrong.
Nobody can do what you do,
even if you do it a lot
and in the same way every time.
- Yeah, you're not Mr. 305
no more.
You're Mr. Worldwide.
- Yeah.
both: ♪ Worldwide Worldwide
Worldwide Worldwide ♪
- ♪ Dale, dale culo, dale ♪
Oh, yeah.
I'm Mr. Worldwide.
both: Yeah.
- This biggidy-boy is
a diggidy-dog.
- That's what I'm talkin'
about.
- I can do anything.
- Anything.
- Anything you want.
- I can fly.
- Yeah. Oh, wait, no.
- What? No.
- [shouts]
- No, no, no, no.
Oh.
- [groans]
Dale.
[air horn blares]
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
- What do you guys think?
It's pretty cool, right?
- I mean, La Pulga,
he's an insect.
- Right, but so it Ant-Man,
and everybody loves Ant-Man.
- No, people love Paul Rudd.
And you're no Paul Rudd.
- Thank you, Jen,
keeping it honest.
- La Pulga has this move where
he latches on to his enemies,
and he sucks the life
from them.
- Isn't that great?
- Pretty obvious statement
about Latinos being parasites.
- Dude, he's super strong.
Look, he can leap from country
to country in a single bound.
- Like a border jumper?
- No, Jen, not like
a border jumper.
He can just leap from country
to country...
oh, my God,
like a border jumper.
- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, wow.
Should I cancel
the screen test?
- I mean, we're not saying not
to do it,
but maybe just something to be
aware of.
- Right.
I mean, it's still an important
movie, right?
- Wow, La Pulga takes a lot of
naps.
- Because saving the world is
exhausting, okay?
- Yeah, that must be it.
- Let me tell you something.
It's not about the story, man.
It's about the moment in
history, okay?
Imagine what this could do for
the community?
Imagine this, right?
You're a Latino kid, right?
You're in the movie theater,
lights go down,
Suddenly, boom on the screen,
like, what's that, you know?
Something super fast, right?
And suddenly, boom, credits...
La Pugla.
- Why are you sticking your hip
out like that?
- This is how heroes stand.
- Like a mad mom?
- All right, fine.
- La Pulga.
- You look like a teapot,
like an angry teapot.
- Fine.
- Yeah, maybe a little tougher.
- Yeah, muscles.
- Are you holding in a fart?
- You guys suck.
- This audition is fucked.
[cool percussive music]
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
- Mm, cool.
- It was so fun meeting your
friends tonight.
- Yeah, I wanted to bring
that up, actually.
I don't think we should be
hanging out
with each other's friends.
'cause it makes this seem
a little more serious
than it is, all right?
- Well, we've been seeing
each other for six months.
- We've been theoretically
talking
for about six months, yeah.
- Are you my boyfriend?
- [inhales]
Yep.
The thing is, there's so much
going on
in my career right now,
and that's where my focus has
to be.
'Cause I can be out of here at,
boom, any moment.
[glasses ding]
- Cheers to an amazing
two years.
Happy anniversary.
- [inhales] Yeah, I'd prefer
if we didn't use that word.
- Anniversary?
- Yeah.
It just sort of implies, like,
this is more serious
than it is.
I've got to keep it loose,
you know.
I'm just trying to be honest,
you know, not hurt you.
- I am so happy we're taking
this step.
- [inhales] Yeah, I think
we should see it more
as two people who are just
really attracted
to each other, you know.
- But we're building
a home together.
- Right, and I love you
and shit; I do.
It's just that my high school
girlfriend cheated on me.
- That was 15 years ago.
- And I just find it hard
to trust or change my behavior
in any way, right?
So, Chelsea, we've been talking
for five-ish years now,
and yeah, I'm down to keep
hanging with you,
like, low stakes, you know?
- Rodney, yes or no?
- Oh, yeah, like, I do and
shit, but, like,
you know, let's play it by ear
and whatnot.
[chuckles]
She's cool.
She's super cool, but I'm just
really making moves
in my career right now, so...
- I do.
- I could be out of here
any moment.
You know what I mean.
Yeah.
- No.
- Yes. All right, thanks
for everything, bro.
All right, let's party, yeah?
- Um, wait for me.
- Oh, yeah, you coming?
- Yeah.
- All right, cool, cool, cool,
Yeah, my bad.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, so it's, like, hella
life-changing
that we made a human
or whatever, but...
[inhales] I just don't want us
to take this
too seriously, you know,
'cause...'cause of my career.
- Yeah, when you're done
heating up that bottle,
she needs a diaper change.
- Yeah, see, about that,
I don't think we're at a point
where I can be
told what to do by you,
you know?
- Uh-huh, I'll be home at 5:00.
- Right.
I'm just a lone wolf.
You know what I'm saying?
[camera shutter clicks]
- Look at our little girl.
- Yeah, we raised a person
with such elegance and poise.
Just checking. You don't think
we're exclusive, right?
- We've been together
for 25 years.
- Yeah, I just don't like
labels.
- Hi.
- What's up, baby?
- [mouthing words]
- Killing it.
- Rodney, I've always
loved you.
And despite your generally
shitty attitude
towards our relationship,
I know that you love me too.
- Yeah, and I am, you know,
into you as well
in terms of, like,
hanging out for the past
62 years and whatnot,
but you know me.
I could be out of here
at any moment.
[heart rate monitor flatlining]
- [gaps]
[sobbing]
- Yeah, so I'm down to haunt
you or whatever,
but, like, in a non-exclusive
way, you know,
so feel free to do stuff
with other ghosts.
I guess I'll see you at home.
I'll be in the attic.
Peace.
Ghost butt.
Just kidding.
[laughs]
- Fuck.
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
- All right, I want the camera
to just slam in there
on that last line, right?
Just, like, bam.
It's gonna look so as fuck,
dude.
It's gonna be great.
There he is. Yes.
Dude, you look dope as fuck
right now.
Oh, my God, man.
You're making that super suit
more super.
- Oh, thank you so much, man.
I appreciate it.
- How are you feeling?
Feeling good?
- I'm feeling great, man.
Thank you.
Thank you for this opportunity.
- Sure.
You're gonna love this.
Okay, Alan, get over here.
Come here.
Alan.
- Hey, Arturo.
I'm Alan.
Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Alan. What's up?
What's...
- It's La Pulga's sidekick,
La Cucaracha.
[laughs]
Check it out.
[instrumental version
of "La Cucaracha"]
It's his distress signal.
The song. The...
- Mm-mm, no, nope, nope.
That did it.
Can you turn that shit off,
please?
Sorry. Sorry, Alan.
I can't do this, man.
I can't...who even wrote
this movie, man?
- Ethan and Tyler.
- Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
Cool.
Well, let me tell you guys
something.
Ethan and Tyler, you don't know
shit about Latino culture.
No offense, all right?
Dude, this script is, like,
chock-full of stereotypes.
Okay, so my nemesis
is the "Iceman," right?
Ah, okay.
When he's in miniature form,
he lives inside
a tequila bottle.
Are you serious?
- No? That's not...no good?
- No.
And what's with all the naps?
He's always napping.
And don't think I don't know
you mean siestas.
Look, we need more Latino
representation.
We do, and I would love it
if we could have
a Latin superhero,
but this...this...
it's not the way, man.
It's not the way, and I can't
be a part of it.
We've got to be responsible.
You know what I mean?
So thanks for the opportunity,
dude, but I'm out.
- Wow, Arturo, that's...thank
you for your honesty.
That's...that's a lot.
You know, I respect it.
I don't agree necessarily.
'Cause I think this film is
gonna be baller as fuck.
- Right.
- But I hear you.
You got morals, right?
And you're not just gonna throw
them away
for a shit-ton of money.
That's cool. That's cool.
I see you.
- Yeah.
- I see you.
- How much money
is a shit-ton of money?
- Seven figures.
- [chuckles]
- Yeah.
- Like, high seven figures
or...
- If it were, like,
one more dollar,
it would be eight figures.
- Right.
Thanks for the update again.
- Sure, absolutely.
- Alan, shall we?
- No, I'm good.
- Cool.
[cool percussive music]
[Latin-tinged guitar music]
- Hello, Ann Arbor.
You might have heard this song
on the radio.
Okay, now sing along if you
know the words.
[singing in Spanish]
- What do you think the words
mean?
- I don't know.
It's probably about
how he loves to dance.
- Spanish is such
a beautiful language.
Sing it with me, Ann Arbor.
Vamos, dale!
[all singing in Spanish]
- All right, Ann Arbor,
are you ready
for our special guest?
[all cheer]
You might remember him
from the hit remix to our song.
Please welcome White Casey.
[cheers and applause]
Hit it, White Casey.
[cheers and applause]
- ♪ Girl you know
I love to dance ♪
♪ Ohh-ooh dance dance dance
dance ♪
♪ I love to dance ♪
- I knew that's what it was
about.
- Whoo.
[cheers and applause]
- Hey, how do you say
"thank you so much,
Ann Arbor," in Spanish?
- [speaking Spanish]
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
♪ ♪
- It was a ton of money, but I
just...I couldn't do it, man.
I couldn't.
My conscience wouldn't let me,
you know?
There will be other jobs,
but I...
I only have one culture,
so cheers to integrity.
- Crazy Oscar Isaac agreed
to do it, though, right?
- Excuse me?
- You didn't it online.
- No.
- "Isaac is excited to
represent Latinos
all over the world, saying,
"We're gonna do huge things."
- Why would he do that
super-racist movie?
- It's here too. Look.
"Upon Isaac's request,
the script will be rewritten
"in order to reflect
the realities
of the Latino community."
- Oh, I did not know
that was an option.
- Ooh, there's more.
Oh, there's lots more.
- Okay, will you excuse me?
- "The film is set to be
released on November 26th."
Isn't that your birthday?
- Heh, it's crazy.
- "In honor of the film's
release,
Guatemala is naming 26th
Oscar Isaac Day."
- God damn it!
- Huh.
- You're just making stuff up
now, right?
- Yeah, it's really fun.
- Cool.