Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Girlfriend - full transcript

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- That's why I'm really into
microbrews, you know?

- What's up, dude?
- Oh, let me get you a chair.

- And he's doing, like,
actual shots.

- Sorry, can I take
this chair, guys?

- No problemo, amigo.

So he's, like, ripping these
shots, and we're like,

"Yeah, go for it, man," like,
"You're the man."

And we're totally fine,
so then eventually...

- Nope.
- Like, this,

whatever you, like,
make a cast out of...

- [speaking Spanish]



Ahh, okay.

- [speaking Spanish]

- I know that feel, brah.

- Hola.

- Oh, fuck. Okay.

- Ha-ha.

- That worked. It was funny.

- No problemo, amigo.

Pew-pew, pew-pew.

Pshew-pew-pew.

You...you can keep the chair.

Sorry about your mom.

That sucks.

Okay, bye. Thank you.



Yeah, you can stand.

[cool percussive music]

♪

Hey, do you know
Vanessa's Dumplings?

- Yeah, I love
Vanessa's Dumplings.

- I love Vanessa's Dumplings.
- What?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my gosh.

- Wow, Imagine Dragons,
Crème de la Mer,

any movie with John Leguizamo.
I mean...

- Including "Spawn."
- Thank you.

- Yes.

- You really check
all the boxes.

- You know,
I think we might have

another thing in common too.

- You take off all your clothes
to go number two as well?

- Mm.

- You meant kissing.
- Yeah.

- Cool. Yeah, me too.

[laughter]

All right.

Honest hour, Tina, I've met a
lot of people in my life,

you know, good people, like,
sturdy people,

- Mm.

- I've never felt such an
immediate connection

with somebody, especially after
four dates.

- Aww.

- Not to be weird about it,

but the sex,
it's so intimate...

- [laughs]
- So much eye contact.

- Yeah, you know,
you can blink.

- Good to know.
Good to know, yeah.

- Hey, I'm gonna take a
shower...

- All right.
- And you can make yourself

at home.
- Oh, cool.

- Bye.
- See ya.

[door closes]

- Ooh, bitchin' place.

Oh, yes.

Man, I love hats.

You wascally wabbit.
[laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

I am the captain now.
[laughs]

You jokester.

Play ball.
[laughs]

[dramatic music]

Oh, God, no. No, nope.
No, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, God, no.

Yes, please.

No.

I'm dating a Republican?

God.

No!

Okay, how did I miss that?

[cool percussive music]

[gentle piano music]

- When Mateo Cruz was
diagnosed at the age of two

with a rare blood disease,

doctors said he wouldn't make
it to his fifth birthday.

- All right, blow out the
candles, buddy.

- And yet here the miraculous
Mateo is six years later.

- Look at those lungs.
- Nice job.

- When we heard
Mateo's amazing story,

we knew we wanted to make his
biggest dream come true.

And he knew
his wish right away.

He didn't even have to think.

- My wish is that I don't want
to meet Macklemore.

- Family and friends were
immediately touched

by Mateo's dream.

I mean, what can I say?

Our little guy
just can't stand Macklemore.

And it's not
just his music either.

As Mateo would say, you know...

he just hates
the guy's whole vibe.

- I don't like his songs,

and I don't think I would like
him as a person.

I don't ever want to meet him.
- Okay, champ.

They're gonna see
what they can do, okay?

No promises.

- When we heard the wish,

we weren't sure
it would be possible.

Macklemore seems
like a pretty nice guy.

And surprising sick kids
at a hospital seems like

something he'd want to do.

- We were just hoping and
praying that when he saw

just how little his music meant
to our son, he'd understand.

[gentle music]

♪

- That's me.

That's my dad.

That's my mom.

And there's no Macklemore.

- I'll never forget that night
in the hospital.

Mateo must have been five,
I think. [sniffles]

We were watching TV, and he's
like, "Daddy, who's that?"

And I said, "Son, that's
Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.

That have a song called
"Thrift Shop."

He just goes,
"No, no, no, no, no."

He looked like
he was gonna be sick.

I mean, sicker
than he already was.

- That's great.
That's really good.

It was so inspiring to see the
whole town come together

to help make
Mateo's wish come true.

When all this started, I said
to him, "You do know

"nobody would ever make you
meet Macklemore, right?

He's not even
that big right now."

And he was like,
"I just want to play it safe.

I want a guarantee."

- And we were like, "You know,
you can have whatever you want.

"You know, if you wanted to
live in Disneyland for a month,

"they could probably
make that happen.

And you would still probably
never meet Macklemore."

But then he said, "Dad, what if
Macklemore is at Disneyland?"

And you know what?
I-I hadn't thought of that.

- After weeks of calling,

Katherine finally connects
with Macklemore's managers.

- Yep, just don't visit him
and don't surprise him.

Yep, that's all.

Thank you so much.

Okay.

He's not coming.

- Okay, buddy, time to take off
that blindfold, okay?

- He's not here.

He's really not here.

- Macklemore
is never coming, honey,

not now, not later, never.

[applause]

- And that's when I realized
that all the other kids

have it wrong
by wishing for vacations

or a ticket to a big game.

When your one wish is to never
meet Macklemore,

every day that you don't meet
Macklemore feels like a gift.

♪

- You know, this is an
especially difficult job

for me, because I actually kind
of like Macklemore.

♪ Downtown

- Aah!
- Ooh, I'm sorry, kiddo.

I thought you were asleep.
- Just let me die.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- What are you doing?
You can't date a Republican.

- I know,
but Tina's amazing, man.

I don't know what to do.
- Easy.

You push her down a well, and
you say it was an accident.

- Really, Jen, a well?

- Yeah, there's one in Queens.

- Whoa, guys, murder's bad.

- It's a shallow well.

- We should be trying to
understand people

who disagree with us,

like people who believe
the Earth is round.

- Listen, this is not a big
deal, all right?

New York is a melting pot.

For example, I once dated a
girl from Mongolia, same thing.

- Mm.
- That's not the same thing.

- She was one of the top models
in Ulaanbaatar.

- Okay, so you're not helping.
You're just bragging.

- You want to see a picture?
- No.

Maybe... later.

- Tracy's single, if you want
me to set you guys up instead.

- Chris, please stop trying to
hook me up with your sister.

- We could be brother-in-laws.
- I know.

- How can you even date
a Republican, like, legally?

- Tina's cool, okay?

And I haven't felt this way
about a girl

in a really long time.

And honest hour,
the sex is incredible.

- Ooh, Tracy likes sex.

- Chris, seriously?

- What does a Republican puss
even look like?

Is it mean, like a frown?

[gasps]
Is there a wall around it?

- Stop it.
- Just be careful, Arturo.

Because beliefs
can be sexually transmitted.

- Stop it, Jen.

There are good people
on both sides.

- See? See? It's happening.
- Ooh.

- It's happening.
- Ooh.

- Now, can we get
back to her puss?

Are there guns in there?

- I like her.
I can't help it.

- Listen, man, just let it go,
don't bring up politics.

You'll be cool.
- No, no.

I have to be honest with her.

I at least have to try
to bridge the gap, you know?

And since it's the only advice

that none
of you have mentioned,

I think
it's the right one, right?

What are we shucking
all this corn for?

- I thought this was your corn.
- It's not my corn.

- It's not mine.

- Whose corn is this?

- Oh, yeah, it is my corn.

[cool percussive music]

[upbeat guitar music]

- Okay, everybody,
the tamales are ready.

Come and get them, okay?

Just serve yourselves.
- Mamá.

- Ay, mi'jo. Hola.

Un poco tarde, ¿no?

- Oh, sorry.
Sofia and I are late.

- Oh, it's okay, mi'jo.
I know it's not your fault.

Sofia, hola.

- ¿Cómo está?

- My future daughter-in-law.

Which is crazy.

[laughter]

What is this?

- Oh, I brought tamales.

[all gasp]

- Tamales.

Interesting choice.

- Yes, it's my
abuela's recipe.

- I thought
you were bringing cookies.

I thought she was bringing
cookies, Mom.

- Well, I decided to make
tamales instead.

- I thought I told you,
my mom makes the tamales.

- We're just gonna have more
tamales, then.

[Latin-tinged guitar music]

♪

- It's okay, mi'jo.

I'm sure her tamales are made
with love...

just like my tamales are made
with so much love.

- Oh, Mama Garcia,

my tamales are made
with the most love.

- Mi'ja, would you like
to put them down?

- I would love to.
- You can put them right here.

Here you go.

♪

[sniffs]
Mmm, they smell so...

¿Cómo se dice"trying too hard"?

Así se dice.

Sí, that's how you say it.

- And yours, they look
so tightly wound,

suffocating even.

- Pedro, are you ready
for a tamale?

- Yes, Pedro, have one.

- I...oh, I...oh, I'm not
actually hungry, so...

- No, you said
that you were starving.

- I had some chips
in the house.

[stomach rumbling]

- Ay, mi gordito, I can hearyour stomach rumbling.

Just choose one.
- Yes, choose.

- There's no wrong choice.

Just pick whichever one
you want to eat.

♪

- Hey, everybody,
I brought tamales.

No, I did not.
Good-bye.

- I carried you
for nine long months, mi'jo,

fed you from my own bosom.

- I've been engaged to you
for nine long months, mi amor,

shown you my own bosoms.

- Wow, do you kiss your mother
with that mouth?

- Just your son.
- I will fucking end you.

- Please, you're not helping!
Do you mind?

- Choose, Pedro.

- Choose.
- Choose.

- You must choose now.
- Choose with your heart.

- Choose.
- Choose.

- [screams]

[all screaming]

- Mi'jo, ¿qué estás haciendo?

- [slurring]
I burned off my taste buds.

Now I can't taste anything.

You can't make me choose.

- Mi'jo, that was
so exaggerated.

- I-I-I'm a little overwhelmed
by this, right?

- We are bonding right here.

- We're having a moment.
We're having a nice time.

And then you mess it up.

- Disgusting.
You know what? Embarrassing.

I'm sorry. Are you okay?

- I don't think so.

- I am so very sorry.

Here come...come with me.
- Pedro...

- I'm so sorry. Have you met
my other son, mi'ja?

- The one who's not
a little bitch?

- Yes, that's the one.
He's so cool.

- Can someone take me
to the hospital?

[kids giggling]

Mom!

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- So it's all out in the open.
Good.

We don't agree politically,

but we still like
each other, right?

- Yeah, and I-I guess I can't
say I'm surprised,

given your, um...

- Absolutely everything
about me.

- Yep.
- Yeah, I know.

But nothing has to be
different.

We can still talk
about anything.

Um, I don't know, like,
the weather.

Today was freezing.
- Freezing.

- I know.
- Yeah.

So much for global warming.

[laughter]

- Mm-mm.
- Oh, no.

- Mm, weather is out.

- Um...

- Sports.
- Yeah.

- How about football?
Do you like football?

- Yes, I do.
- Oh, awesome.

- Well, I did.
I stopped watching

once they started kneeling
during the anthem.

- Movies. Movies are good.
- Great.

- I'll tell you, I just saw
"Rudy" for the first time.

- [gasps]
- I know. It's so sweet.

- The documentary
about Rudy Giuliani.

- Nope, not that one.

I would not watch that one.

- Okay, I-I don't know
about this.

- No, no, no, stop.
We can do this, all right?

Look, do we agree politically?

No.

But are we still people
with the ability to love

and talk to each other?
Yeah.

- Yeah.

- So maybe we focus
on the commonalities

that bring us together,
you know,

the Imagine Dragons or
the John Leguizamos

or the Crème de la Mers,
right?

- I think we should break up.

- I get it.

'Cause I refuse to give up my
progressive values.

- Nope, because
of your eye contact in bed.

- Excuse me?

- I haven't seen you blink
once during sex.

And it's like
I'm banging Chucky.

- Chuck E. Cheese?

- No, the murder doll.

- Ouch.

- Good-bye, Arturo.

- I was gonna break up
with her first.

She's a loser.
I'm a winner. Sad.

Oh, God.

[cool percussive music]

[eerie piano music]

♪

- Oh, my God.
[radio static crackles]

We found the crash site
of the rugby team.

There are survivors.

Assessing the damage.
We'll send coordinates.

- Hello, men.

I'm rescue worker Smith.

This is rescue worker Ruiz.

- Hey.

- We're gonna get you
off this mountain.

Now, we need to assess
the situation.

I can see that not all
of you are here.

And since you've been missing
for over three months

without any food,
we assume that, to survive,

you had to resort to some
extraordinary measures.

- Yeah, it's true.

- Tell me, did you survive
because you ate...

- The plane, yeah.

- What?

- In order to survive,
we ate the plane.

- No way.
- It's true.

- You ate the plane
you went down in.

- Well, we didn't see
any other plane up here.

[laughter]

- Yeah, we just had
the one, Smith.

- Was it good?
- Tina, don't...this is not...

- What, I...

- No. No, it wasn't good.
- It was pretty bland.

- So you ate the wings?

- Yeah.

- You ate the seats?

- Oh, yeah.

- You ate the oil and the gas?

- Well, we drank it.

- You can't eat a liquid.
[laughter]

- Well, that's what I meant.
Thank you.

- Yeah, you didn't say that.

- What about
the in-flight meals?

- We tried them, but they
tasted terrible.

- Really disgusting,
really disgusting.

- All right, do you guys know
where we can find

the black box?

- [inhales sharply] Ooh,
anybody else want to tell him?

- Okay, I'll go.
We ate it.

- Are you serious?

- It's the best part
of the plane.

It's, like, the heart meat.

- That was a good day.
- That was Thanksgiving.

- Oh, that's right, yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay, there are more
important things

to discuss right now.

- Are there?

- Are any of you hurt?
- Um, I have a stomachache.

But that might just be
from eating the plane.

- Yeah, that's what it is.
- If I had to guess.

- Yeah, definitely.

- If you didn't eat any
of the people,

where are the rest
of the passengers?

- Oh, they went
down the mountain.

They didn't want to eat
the plane.

- Why didn't you guys go
with them?

- We were eating the plane.

- Hey, have you seen
my walkie-talkie?

- [crunching]
- It was right here.

- Seriously?

- The plane was better.

The plane was better.
- Yeah, figured as much.

- Now, for dessert, does
anybody have any gas

or oil I could eat?

[laughter]

I got you.
- Smith.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪

- I'm sorry it didn't work out
with Tina, man.

I know you liked her.
- Thanks, man.

I think she's still thinking
about me.

[chuckles]
- Shut up.

- Yeah, she wrote
this Facebook post about me

that's sort of going viral.

- Let me see.
Let me see.

"I recently found out
I was dating a liberal.

"It ended poorly, but Arturo
did extend an olive branch

"and acknowledged my humanity.

"So, honest hour,

an unbearable expression
he used three times per day."

- You can skip that part.

- You do say that
a lot, though.

- Can you please skip it?

- Um, "I learned not
all liberals are baby-killing,

tree-hugging
Jew-funded commies."

- Just go to the end.

- "So let's raise a glass
of liberal tears to you.

Thanks, Arturo."

- That's the one.
Isn't that sweet?

- Sweet.

- Ah.
- Oh.

These comments
are pretty interesting.

"Arturo just border-jumped
into my heart.

- Conflicting, that one.

- This one just says
"#BringBackRoseanne."

- I agree.

- "Arturo's
one of the good ones"...

- [laughs]

- "But we should still
build a wall."

Oh, here's a good one.

"Arturo is the new poster boy
for humanizing Republicans."

- Yeah, there's that.
- Which is good, right?

I mean, that's...
that's good, right.

- Well, Chet doesn't seem
to agree.

Hmm.

- Shame! Shame! Shame!
Shame! Shame!

- She'll get over it, right?
- I think so.

- No, I won't!
Shame! Shame!

[cool percussive music]

[thunder booms]

[light music]

- Oh, Carl, this is perfect.

Just you, me, no kids...

a nice, big bed.

- I don't know, babe.
It's a highway motel.

I mean, who knows who slept
in this bed last

or what they left
in these sheets?

- Mm-hmm.
I knew you would say that,

so I brought a black light.
- [chuckles]

- Now we can put
your little paranoia to rest.

- All right.
- Okay?

Nothing there.

Mm...

Maybe a little smidge there.

And...

[upbeat Latin music playing]

- Whoa!

- Hernando Marquez!

- Barely anything there.
All clean.

- What? No. There was an adult
man dancing in the corner.

- It was probably
just sauce, honey.

Now, where were we?

- We were seeing
a glowing jazz man,

whose name I think
is Hernando Marquez,

dancing and having a blast.

Let me see that.

[creepy music]

What?
- See?

Nothing.
- No...

- Put that down
and make love to your wife.

[upbeat Latin music]
- Ah, there he is again!

- Hernando Marquez!

- Come on, it's just a motel.

Even the Ritz is gonna have
a little schmutz.

- That is not schmutz.

That was a human noodling out
on the trumpet

and announcing his name,

which, yes, does seem
to be Hernando Marquez.

Or wait. Does he think
I'm Hernando Marquez?

- You seem distracted, honey.

Does this help?

- Yes, it does.
- [chuckles] I bet it does.

[chuckles]

[upbeat Latin music playing]

- Aah!

- Hernando Marquez!

[both screaming]

- What?

- Oh, my God!

You were just Hernando Marquez!

- Can you stop talking
about Hernando Marquez?

If this is an excuse to not
have sex with me here,

then just say it.

- Look, I don't want

to talk about
Hernando Marquez.

It's just, why does he only
appear in black light?

I mean, is he made
of bodily fluid?

Is he a real person
who's covered in it,

or is it coming to life?

Am I going insane?

- You know what?
Forget this.

I'll see you at home.

- Come on.
Honey, please.

Come on.
[scoffs]

[sighs]

[eerie music]

♪

[eerie music builds
to crescendo]

[upbeat Latin music playing]

- Hernando Marquez!

- Hey,
are you Hernando Marquez,

or am I Hernando Marquez?

- Hernando Marquez!

[music resumes]
- Okay.

[both laugh maniacally]

[music continues]

both:
Hernando Marquez!

- So you're semen, right?