Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Aunts - full transcript
A pitcher takes his visualization technique too far, a Latin American summit go off the rails, and Arturo's aunts visit to help him through a breakup.
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---
[mellow music]
- What are you going to do
when we get to America?
- I just want
to find work quickly
so I can send money home
to my family.
What about you?
- My husband has already
been there for two years,
so I'm joining him.
- How wonderful.
What about you, Blanca?
- It's very dangerous
in my city now.
I just want
a safe place to live.
- Oh.
And you, stranger?
[dark music]
♪
- I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, old man.
As soon as I get to America,
I'm going to commit
massive vote fraud.
That's right.
I'm gonna get 3 million
of my amigos together,
and we're just gonna do it.
Then I'm gonna take jobs
from hardworking Americans.
Yes, first the farm jobs,
then the factory jobs,
and then fuck it,
I'll get into
a graduate program
through affirmative action,
and I'm gonna take
the lawyer jobs
and the doctor jobs and
the aerospace engineer jobs.
But then I'm gonna be
too lazy to work.
So I'm gonna live
off the American taxpayer.
- How does that
make any sense?
- Don't worry about it.
And then I'm gonna join
the ultraviolent gang, MS-15.
- Isn't it MS-13?
- No. No, this one's
way more dangerous.
2/15 more dangerous.
Then I'm gonna sprinkle
these gang members
all over Iowa
and get everybody
addicted to ecstasies.
- I don't think ecstasy
is addictive.
- It is the way I make it.
Okay, I put heroin
and stuff in it.
I'm going become
the Walter White
of the Des Moines
metropolitan area,
and then I'm gonna graffiti
all of their cheese shops.
Oh, is that your store?
I'm sorry.
fuck your cheese shop!
[laughs]
They can't stop me.
I'm gonna destroy their
American way of life
and culture.
- You are crazy, man.
- Am I?
Am I, old man?
Admit it,
you wanna do it too.
You wanna get to America
and burn it all to the ground.
- No, I really don't.
- I feel like you do.
We could do it, you know?
The 12 of us alone
could destroy America!
Who's with me?
Who's with me?
[tires screech]
[groaning]
[dark music]
♪
Hello, Mr. President.
Yeah, they found me out again.
Yeah, don't worry, next time
I'll be a lot less subtle.
Now could you please send
a helicopter or something?
I feel my makeup
is starting to run,
and these Mexicans
are real, real scary.
Okay, I'll just hide
in the bushes, okay?
I love you too.
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪ Time has us lose
[doorbell chimes]
♪ Distant and strange
- Alexa, stop
the heartbreak mix.
- Tia Celia, Tia Marta.
What are you doing here?
- Your mom told us
about Renee.
- Yeah, yeah, we broke up.
Me and Renee,
not me and my mom.
Me and my mom are...
we're tight.
- Your mom put out
the Mom Signal
and dispatched us.
- We dropped everything and
flew straight here from Miami.
- Uh-huh.
- Look, I appreciate you
coming all this way,
but I'm a grown man,
and I do not need my mommy
to send me and help.
- So we're just
supposed to leave?
- No, I didn't say that.
- You're just gonna
disrespect your family
and kick your tias
to the curb?
Like something spoiled
in the refrigerator?
Like two pieces of stale bread
that you left in the cupboard?
Like old papayas that you don't
even remember you had there?
- You already won the argument.
You're inside the house.
- Like a goat that's too big
to keep in the barn.
[upbeat music]
Oh, oh, your tia knows
what you need.
♪
Tamale.
The best cure
for a broken heart.
- I don't want a tamale.
Do you know how many carbs
are in that?
- Ay, gordito.You're too skinny.
- Stop calling me fatty then.
That's the only reason
I stopped eating tamales
to begin with.
- So who's this girl?
- She's incredibly smart
and incredibly beautiful,
and I thought she was going to
be the mother of my children.
No big deal.
- Ay, mijo, don't let
some girl make you sad.
Come on, show me those dimples.
- I don't want to.
- I'm gonna come get
those dimples!
- No, stop, that hasn't worked
since I'm five years old.
Stop it.
- I can see the dimples.
- No, uh-uh.
- You can't hide them.
- Even if you're not smiling.
- They're not there.
I know my own dimples.
Okay, stop treating me
like a toddler.
Please, it's not helping.
- I know what you need.
- No, I don't want
any Vicks VapoRub.
- Just a little bit.
- Look, I hate
to break it to you,
but Vicks VapoRub
doesn't solve all problems.
- It solves everything.
You remember when your
primo Juanito broke his leg
from falling
off that horse, huh?
Un poquito VapoRub,
he's fine now.
- He still has a limp.
- Just let me put
a little bit on.
- No, no, please, I don't
want any fucking VapoRub.
[both gasp]
Okay, I'm sorry.
No, no...I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please, please, look, look.
I appreciate you
trying to help,
but I'm just having
a little trouble
looking forward to life
without her, okay?
So for now,
I just want to be sad
for maybe until I die
I don't know.
- Nonsense. You're gonna
go get dressed,
we're gonna go out
and we're gonna get facedshit.
- Do you mean shitfaced?
- [gasps]
- Why would you hit me with it?
She said it first.
She said it first.
The sandalia
is only for children.
Now go get ready.
- Please stop telling me
what to do in my own house.
- Go!
- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
[upbeat music]
[dramatic music]
[crowd boos]
- Ball four!
- Hey, I'm sorry, man.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
I just can't get it
over the plate.
- It's okay, look...
- Oh, God.
- Just...just forget
about the crowd.
All right,
forget about the batter.
Pretend I'm your dad
or something.
No pressure, all right?
We're just playing catch
in your backyard.
- Okay, you're my dad.
Got it, got it.
That's good.
Wait, wait, wait.
- What's up?
- Which backyard though?
- Huh?
- No, was it the one
we lived in with my mom
or, you know, the new place
you got with...
with that woman Jessica?
- It's, uh, wherever
you feel more comfortable.
- I just never saw
his new place, you know?
So I'm just gonna say
it's my mom's backyard.
Is that cool?
- Yeah.
All right, man.
[organ music playing]
[dramatic music]
[crowd boos]
- Dad?
- Oh, no.
- Wait? Wait?
What are you doing here?
- Is he talking to me?
- No, he's not.
He, uh...
- What are you doing here?
- I'm...sorry.
- You just show up out of
the blue after all these years.
You expect me to forgive you?
Where you been?
No, I don't wanna talk to you.
I'm my own man.
- Okay. Hey, hey.
It's the catcher talking.
- Oh, hey, man.
- This is not what I meant.
- Oh. [chuckles]
I'm sorry, man,
I just picked this stage
in our relationship where
things were super complicated.
- No more dad.
You're just playing
catch in your backyard
with someone else.
- Why would I play catch
with someone else
when my dad
just came back, man?
- Forget the dad thing.
Just me, Jackson,
you, Suarez,
are playing catch
in our backyard.
- Okay, so we have
a backyard together.
So are we, like, roommates
in this situation?
'Cause I think that'd
be really cool.
- Whatever.
- Great.
Let's do this!
Let's do this!
Oh.
- Oh, no.
What's he doing?
- Come here.
Hey, man, can I tell you
something roomie to roomie?
I have had the wildest
day today, man.
I was at my mom's house,
and then my dad shows up
out of nowhere.
Haven't seen him in years,
and I'm just, like,
really shook right now and I
just wanted a friend, you know?
- Seriously, forget
that I ever said dad!
Just pretend that
you are a pitcher,
I'm a catcher,
and we're at a baseball game
playing baseball.
Your dad doesn't exist.
Never existed.
Just us at this game.
Got it?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
- All right.
- All right.
[organ music playing]
[exhales]
[dramatic music]
♪
Oh.
Oh, God.
- What the hell was that?
- My dad taught me
how to pitch.
If he doesn't exist...
oh, my God, I don't exist.
Oh, my...I don't exist.
Can you see me?
Can you see me?
Oh, my God, I don't exist.
Oh, my God, I stopped
existing, everybody.
- Excuse me.
I'm Ricky's dad.
I'm here to tell Ricky that
I'm sorry and that I love him.
- I don't exist!
I don't exist!
- Is that him?
- Yep.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God. I'm nothing.
- I wasn't here.
- I'm nothing!
He doesn't exist!
I don't exist!
Ahh!
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
[Latin dance music]
♪
- And then I signed us up
for pottery class together.
Do you know how sad it is
to cancel pottery class?
- This story is boring!
- Ouch.
- Let's dance!
- I don't wanna dance, tia.
- Hey-hey, hey-hey.
Look at this, look at this.
Come on.
- I don't want to.
- Let's go, get into it,
get into it.
Come on, come on, come on.
- All right, okay, fine.
- [laughing]
Come on.
♪
You're still
a really bad dancer.
- I'm not bad.
I'm misunderstood.
[vocalizing]
- Aunt Celia, stop it!
Get away from that man!
- This is some good shit!
Really. Ha!
- Okay, we're good, big guy.
Thank you.
Vamonos
- Que pasó?
- Vamonos.
Excuse us, please.
Excuse us.
- Arturo.
- Marta, she was
smoking weed back there.
- Look who I met at the bar.
This is Isabella.
She's Colombian.
- You two should
dance together.
- Or, you know,
just talk or something.
- Don't dance.
- Okay, we get it.
I'm so sorry.
They're really drunk.
- That's okay.
They're cute.
- Yeah, they're great.
- So do you want to dance?
♪
- No!
No, no!
Can we please leave?
- Why?
- There's Renee, and she's
with some other guy.
- Another Latino?
- Yeah, she has
a very specific type.
- Don't worry, mijo, I think
I can get that bitch from here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I just want to go, okay?
Tia Celia!
Stop making out
with weed guy!
Can you put her leg down
at least?
[upbeat music]
[applause]
- Mr. Secretary,
my fellow delegates,
on behalf of
the Guatemalan people,
I would like to say
how proud I am of all of us
for reaching today's
historic trade agreements,
as well as renewing our pact
against nuclear weapons,
and of course, the unilateral
climate change accords.
Well done.
[applause]
To celebrate this momentous
occasion of solidarity
between our nations,
I would like to propose
we toast with some rum.
The best in the world
from Guatemala.
Cheers to all of you.
[tepid applause]
- If I may, a point
of order, Mr. Secretary.
We would also like
to acknowledge
the historic nature
of this accord,
and in addition we would
like to let the record show
that Guatemalan rum is not
the best rum in the world.
Everyone knows that
Venezuelan rum
is in fact the best.
- The Guatemalan nation
finds itself in total shock
that Venezuela even has a rum.
[laughter]
- Thank you,
representative of Venezuela.
The chair will take that
under consideration,
but I remind my colleagues
that this committee
considers any rum distilled
outside of Mexico
to be wannabe poser horseshit.
[all clamoring]
Order, order,
settle down everyone.
Yes, yes, Representative Perez
from Nicaragua.
I yield the floor.
- Thank you, Mr. Secretary.
Nicaragua would like to add
that our rum is the best.
Pardon me.
And you can all go
fuck yourselves.
[all clamoring]
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
I spoke out of turn.
You can all go
fuck your mothers.
[all clamoring]
- Please, please,
please, please.
I would like to remind
my fellow representatives
that, one, we have more that
unites us than divides us.
From our rich culture
and history,
to our common goals
for the future.
- Hear, hear.
[applause]
- And number two,
that Nicaraguan rum
tastes like hot piss.
- I agree.
- It just does, I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, Mr. Secretary.
We would like
the record to show
that it seems that the
representative from Guatemala
has drank hot piss before.
all: Ooh.
- Well, yes, when the only
other option is Nicaraguan rum.
- Ooh.
[laughter]
- Please, gentlemen,
let us not forget
the important work
we have done here today.
- On that topic,
Mr. Secretary,
Costa Rica would like
to withdraw our yes vote
on the peace accords
on the grounds
that our rum is made from
only the finest sugar cane
grown in our country's
rich, organic soil.
- Point of order,
the Guatemalan delegation
would like to add,
big fucking deal, same here.
You think you're the only
one with volcanoes?
Anybody not
have volcanoes here?
Raise your hand.
Nobody.
- We all use sugar cane,
you fucking idiot.
- Barbados would like to settle
this matter conclusively
by reminding the council
our nation is
the birthplace of rum
and also Rihanna.
- Of course, of course.
Of course.
- Let the record show
that I would like to have
one summit where the
representative from Barbados
does not mention Rihanna.
- Please, let it also
be recorded,
if someone even
half as hot as Rihanna
were born in your country,
you would bring it up
every single goddamn sentence,
you stupid,
jealous motherfuckers.
[all clamoring]
Don't you come at me,
Ecuador.
- Settle down,
settle down, everyone.
I think the only reasonable
thing to be done
is to nullify today's agreement
and postpone these talks
indefinitely.
- Agreed.
- I now call for a break
so I can use the restroom
and take a nice, long
Nicaraguan rum.
[all clamoring]
- I told you
it tastes like piss.
I told you it tastes like piss.
Fuck your
climate change accords.
I like climate change.
I don't want to be cold.
Let's get the fuck
outta here.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
♪
- I told you
I wasn't ready to go out.
All right, you know,
I'm just gonna sleep here,
and I hope I never wake up,
I'll tell you that.
- Sobrino,
enough of this moping.
So she's out with some new guy.
Who cares?
- Look at me.
That's all I do, I care.
All right?
And I can mope if I want to.
I am of legal moping age.
I'll get over this by myself.
You're not helping.
All right?
- Oh, fine.
Give up.
"I'm Arturo.
I'm so depressed."
- That's not nice.
- "Renee, I loved you so much,
even though we only
dated for three months."
- Three and a half.
- "I'm gonna shrivel up and die
over a girl I barely knew.
Oh, boo-hoo, my dimples
are gone forever."
Ah!
Did I just see a dimple?
- Nope. Uh-uh.
- It's a dimple!
- Two dimples!
Ah, you see!
The spirit of the dimples
can't be crushed.
Hello, dimples.
- Hola.
So are there
any tamales left or...
- Oh, now you want a tamale?
- Yes, I do.
I'm very hungry.
- Sorry, those tamales are
only for little baby boys.
- "I'm Arturo.
I eat fancy cheese.
I live in Brooklyn."
- I don't sound like that.
- Brooklyn, Brooklyn,
Brooklyn.
Fancy cheese
and white wine.
- What is this?
- "Look at me,
I don't eat carbs."
- I just want a fucking tamale.
- This time you're
getting the shoe.
- You'll give me
a tamale first though.
- Get over here!
Get over here!
[all shouting]
Get over here!
[upbeat music]
♪
[cheerful music]
♪
- Hi, it's Sydney.
- And Carissa.
- Nina, I've known you
for almost a decade now,
and I couldn't imagine a more
perfect guy for you than David.
- And I will never forget
your guys' first date.
Nina came home that night.
- Mm-hmm.
- And she was skipping
and she said,
"I just met the one."
- Hi, guys, it's Jecca!
It's like Jessica
and Becca combined.
Don't worry about it.
So me and
the whole bridal party
were roommates freshman year,
and everyone said
I was gonna be the first one
to get married,
and now I'm the only one
who's not married.
[chuckles sadly]
Just crazy.
It's crazy.
[upbeat music]
- Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome for the first time
as husband and wife,
Mr. and Mrs. Cohen-Smith.
[cheers and applause]
- Love you, B.
Love you.
- Congratulations.
- Bartender, more red wine.
♪
- You did it, David.
Finally did it.
- A toast to finding
your soul mate.
- Cheers.
- Oh, fuck that.
Weddings are bullshit.
Fuck it.
- We don't...
- No, but not you,
Nina and David.
I love you guys.
Whoo!
[belches]
- And that's when I knew
that David wasn't
just a keeper.
He was your keeper,
and you were just...
- Oh, my God, bitch, boring.
Hey.
Everybody...oh, hey, bitch!
I'm sorry,
but she has no charisma.
Or tits, am I right?
No, no, no,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That was too much.
I'm sorry, I'll calm down.
I'm sorry, I'll calm down.
Okay.
Just kidding!
[all gasp]
Okay, get back here.
I'm not done, I'm not...
Did I say I was done?
- ♪ In a world that...
- To get to see my grandbaby
so happy,
it's the most wonderful...
- Jesus!
- Hey, bitch!
I fucked her grandson
in college once.
But shh.
What, bitch?
I said "shh."
["Hava Nagila" plays]
♪
- Wait!
Hey, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, wait.
Do me first.
Do me first.
[all gasp, chattering]
[humming "Hava Nagila"]
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Hey! It's so fun!
Jewish people, I like you.
- Oh, my God.
- My daddy was wrong
about you guys.
- Is everyone ready?
Okay, here we go.
One, two, three!
- Bitch!
- ♪ The rest of my life
- All right, newlyweds,
go ahead and cut the cake.
- [gasps]
♪
- Happy fucking birthday,
you guys.
- Please tell me
you have other footage.
- Well, not without her in it.
- Hey, bitch!
We're engaged.
We'd invite you, but it's
like a super small wedding.
You know?
Bye, bitch!
- We met at your wedding.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- So you got everything?
- Yes, towels are
in the dryer.
Leftovers in the fridge with
some instructions, got it.
- And if you need
anything else, we're here.
- You know, you didn't
have to come all this way
and get off work.
You know, you could
have just called me.
- Of course we had to come.
- When family needs something,
you go, end of story.
- Gracias.
- Love you.
- I love you.
Bye, tia.
- Gordito.
- Bye.
Okay, safe trip.
Bye, bye.
- Bye.
- Okay?
- Later.
- Oh, yeah, bye, weed guy.
Take care.
[upbeat music]
---
[mellow music]
- What are you going to do
when we get to America?
- I just want
to find work quickly
so I can send money home
to my family.
What about you?
- My husband has already
been there for two years,
so I'm joining him.
- How wonderful.
What about you, Blanca?
- It's very dangerous
in my city now.
I just want
a safe place to live.
- Oh.
And you, stranger?
[dark music]
♪
- I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do, old man.
As soon as I get to America,
I'm going to commit
massive vote fraud.
That's right.
I'm gonna get 3 million
of my amigos together,
and we're just gonna do it.
Then I'm gonna take jobs
from hardworking Americans.
Yes, first the farm jobs,
then the factory jobs,
and then fuck it,
I'll get into
a graduate program
through affirmative action,
and I'm gonna take
the lawyer jobs
and the doctor jobs and
the aerospace engineer jobs.
But then I'm gonna be
too lazy to work.
So I'm gonna live
off the American taxpayer.
- How does that
make any sense?
- Don't worry about it.
And then I'm gonna join
the ultraviolent gang, MS-15.
- Isn't it MS-13?
- No. No, this one's
way more dangerous.
2/15 more dangerous.
Then I'm gonna sprinkle
these gang members
all over Iowa
and get everybody
addicted to ecstasies.
- I don't think ecstasy
is addictive.
- It is the way I make it.
Okay, I put heroin
and stuff in it.
I'm going become
the Walter White
of the Des Moines
metropolitan area,
and then I'm gonna graffiti
all of their cheese shops.
Oh, is that your store?
I'm sorry.
fuck your cheese shop!
[laughs]
They can't stop me.
I'm gonna destroy their
American way of life
and culture.
- You are crazy, man.
- Am I?
Am I, old man?
Admit it,
you wanna do it too.
You wanna get to America
and burn it all to the ground.
- No, I really don't.
- I feel like you do.
We could do it, you know?
The 12 of us alone
could destroy America!
Who's with me?
Who's with me?
[tires screech]
[groaning]
[dark music]
♪
Hello, Mr. President.
Yeah, they found me out again.
Yeah, don't worry, next time
I'll be a lot less subtle.
Now could you please send
a helicopter or something?
I feel my makeup
is starting to run,
and these Mexicans
are real, real scary.
Okay, I'll just hide
in the bushes, okay?
I love you too.
[upbeat music]
♪
- ♪ Time has us lose
[doorbell chimes]
♪ Distant and strange
- Alexa, stop
the heartbreak mix.
- Tia Celia, Tia Marta.
What are you doing here?
- Your mom told us
about Renee.
- Yeah, yeah, we broke up.
Me and Renee,
not me and my mom.
Me and my mom are...
we're tight.
- Your mom put out
the Mom Signal
and dispatched us.
- We dropped everything and
flew straight here from Miami.
- Uh-huh.
- Look, I appreciate you
coming all this way,
but I'm a grown man,
and I do not need my mommy
to send me and help.
- So we're just
supposed to leave?
- No, I didn't say that.
- You're just gonna
disrespect your family
and kick your tias
to the curb?
Like something spoiled
in the refrigerator?
Like two pieces of stale bread
that you left in the cupboard?
Like old papayas that you don't
even remember you had there?
- You already won the argument.
You're inside the house.
- Like a goat that's too big
to keep in the barn.
[upbeat music]
Oh, oh, your tia knows
what you need.
♪
Tamale.
The best cure
for a broken heart.
- I don't want a tamale.
Do you know how many carbs
are in that?
- Ay, gordito.You're too skinny.
- Stop calling me fatty then.
That's the only reason
I stopped eating tamales
to begin with.
- So who's this girl?
- She's incredibly smart
and incredibly beautiful,
and I thought she was going to
be the mother of my children.
No big deal.
- Ay, mijo, don't let
some girl make you sad.
Come on, show me those dimples.
- I don't want to.
- I'm gonna come get
those dimples!
- No, stop, that hasn't worked
since I'm five years old.
Stop it.
- I can see the dimples.
- No, uh-uh.
- You can't hide them.
- Even if you're not smiling.
- They're not there.
I know my own dimples.
Okay, stop treating me
like a toddler.
Please, it's not helping.
- I know what you need.
- No, I don't want
any Vicks VapoRub.
- Just a little bit.
- Look, I hate
to break it to you,
but Vicks VapoRub
doesn't solve all problems.
- It solves everything.
You remember when your
primo Juanito broke his leg
from falling
off that horse, huh?
Un poquito VapoRub,
he's fine now.
- He still has a limp.
- Just let me put
a little bit on.
- No, no, please, I don't
want any fucking VapoRub.
[both gasp]
Okay, I'm sorry.
No, no...I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Please, please, look, look.
I appreciate you
trying to help,
but I'm just having
a little trouble
looking forward to life
without her, okay?
So for now,
I just want to be sad
for maybe until I die
I don't know.
- Nonsense. You're gonna
go get dressed,
we're gonna go out
and we're gonna get facedshit.
- Do you mean shitfaced?
- [gasps]
- Why would you hit me with it?
She said it first.
She said it first.
The sandalia
is only for children.
Now go get ready.
- Please stop telling me
what to do in my own house.
- Go!
- Yes, ma'am. Yes, ma'am.
[upbeat music]
[dramatic music]
[crowd boos]
- Ball four!
- Hey, I'm sorry, man.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
I just can't get it
over the plate.
- It's okay, look...
- Oh, God.
- Just...just forget
about the crowd.
All right,
forget about the batter.
Pretend I'm your dad
or something.
No pressure, all right?
We're just playing catch
in your backyard.
- Okay, you're my dad.
Got it, got it.
That's good.
Wait, wait, wait.
- What's up?
- Which backyard though?
- Huh?
- No, was it the one
we lived in with my mom
or, you know, the new place
you got with...
with that woman Jessica?
- It's, uh, wherever
you feel more comfortable.
- I just never saw
his new place, you know?
So I'm just gonna say
it's my mom's backyard.
Is that cool?
- Yeah.
All right, man.
[organ music playing]
[dramatic music]
[crowd boos]
- Dad?
- Oh, no.
- Wait? Wait?
What are you doing here?
- Is he talking to me?
- No, he's not.
He, uh...
- What are you doing here?
- I'm...sorry.
- You just show up out of
the blue after all these years.
You expect me to forgive you?
Where you been?
No, I don't wanna talk to you.
I'm my own man.
- Okay. Hey, hey.
It's the catcher talking.
- Oh, hey, man.
- This is not what I meant.
- Oh. [chuckles]
I'm sorry, man,
I just picked this stage
in our relationship where
things were super complicated.
- No more dad.
You're just playing
catch in your backyard
with someone else.
- Why would I play catch
with someone else
when my dad
just came back, man?
- Forget the dad thing.
Just me, Jackson,
you, Suarez,
are playing catch
in our backyard.
- Okay, so we have
a backyard together.
So are we, like, roommates
in this situation?
'Cause I think that'd
be really cool.
- Whatever.
- Great.
Let's do this!
Let's do this!
Oh.
- Oh, no.
What's he doing?
- Come here.
Hey, man, can I tell you
something roomie to roomie?
I have had the wildest
day today, man.
I was at my mom's house,
and then my dad shows up
out of nowhere.
Haven't seen him in years,
and I'm just, like,
really shook right now and I
just wanted a friend, you know?
- Seriously, forget
that I ever said dad!
Just pretend that
you are a pitcher,
I'm a catcher,
and we're at a baseball game
playing baseball.
Your dad doesn't exist.
Never existed.
Just us at this game.
Got it?
- Yeah, yeah, I got it.
- All right.
- All right.
[organ music playing]
[exhales]
[dramatic music]
♪
Oh.
Oh, God.
- What the hell was that?
- My dad taught me
how to pitch.
If he doesn't exist...
oh, my God, I don't exist.
Oh, my...I don't exist.
Can you see me?
Can you see me?
Oh, my God, I don't exist.
Oh, my God, I stopped
existing, everybody.
- Excuse me.
I'm Ricky's dad.
I'm here to tell Ricky that
I'm sorry and that I love him.
- I don't exist!
I don't exist!
- Is that him?
- Yep.
- Oh, God.
Oh, God. I'm nothing.
- I wasn't here.
- I'm nothing!
He doesn't exist!
I don't exist!
Ahh!
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
[Latin dance music]
♪
- And then I signed us up
for pottery class together.
Do you know how sad it is
to cancel pottery class?
- This story is boring!
- Ouch.
- Let's dance!
- I don't wanna dance, tia.
- Hey-hey, hey-hey.
Look at this, look at this.
Come on.
- I don't want to.
- Let's go, get into it,
get into it.
Come on, come on, come on.
- All right, okay, fine.
- [laughing]
Come on.
♪
You're still
a really bad dancer.
- I'm not bad.
I'm misunderstood.
[vocalizing]
- Aunt Celia, stop it!
Get away from that man!
- This is some good shit!
Really. Ha!
- Okay, we're good, big guy.
Thank you.
Vamonos
- Que pasó?
- Vamonos.
Excuse us, please.
Excuse us.
- Arturo.
- Marta, she was
smoking weed back there.
- Look who I met at the bar.
This is Isabella.
She's Colombian.
- You two should
dance together.
- Or, you know,
just talk or something.
- Don't dance.
- Okay, we get it.
I'm so sorry.
They're really drunk.
- That's okay.
They're cute.
- Yeah, they're great.
- So do you want to dance?
♪
- No!
No, no!
Can we please leave?
- Why?
- There's Renee, and she's
with some other guy.
- Another Latino?
- Yeah, she has
a very specific type.
- Don't worry, mijo, I think
I can get that bitch from here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
I just want to go, okay?
Tia Celia!
Stop making out
with weed guy!
Can you put her leg down
at least?
[upbeat music]
[applause]
- Mr. Secretary,
my fellow delegates,
on behalf of
the Guatemalan people,
I would like to say
how proud I am of all of us
for reaching today's
historic trade agreements,
as well as renewing our pact
against nuclear weapons,
and of course, the unilateral
climate change accords.
Well done.
[applause]
To celebrate this momentous
occasion of solidarity
between our nations,
I would like to propose
we toast with some rum.
The best in the world
from Guatemala.
Cheers to all of you.
[tepid applause]
- If I may, a point
of order, Mr. Secretary.
We would also like
to acknowledge
the historic nature
of this accord,
and in addition we would
like to let the record show
that Guatemalan rum is not
the best rum in the world.
Everyone knows that
Venezuelan rum
is in fact the best.
- The Guatemalan nation
finds itself in total shock
that Venezuela even has a rum.
[laughter]
- Thank you,
representative of Venezuela.
The chair will take that
under consideration,
but I remind my colleagues
that this committee
considers any rum distilled
outside of Mexico
to be wannabe poser horseshit.
[all clamoring]
Order, order,
settle down everyone.
Yes, yes, Representative Perez
from Nicaragua.
I yield the floor.
- Thank you, Mr. Secretary.
Nicaragua would like to add
that our rum is the best.
Pardon me.
And you can all go
fuck yourselves.
[all clamoring]
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
I spoke out of turn.
You can all go
fuck your mothers.
[all clamoring]
- Please, please,
please, please.
I would like to remind
my fellow representatives
that, one, we have more that
unites us than divides us.
From our rich culture
and history,
to our common goals
for the future.
- Hear, hear.
[applause]
- And number two,
that Nicaraguan rum
tastes like hot piss.
- I agree.
- It just does, I'm sorry.
- Excuse me, Mr. Secretary.
We would like
the record to show
that it seems that the
representative from Guatemala
has drank hot piss before.
all: Ooh.
- Well, yes, when the only
other option is Nicaraguan rum.
- Ooh.
[laughter]
- Please, gentlemen,
let us not forget
the important work
we have done here today.
- On that topic,
Mr. Secretary,
Costa Rica would like
to withdraw our yes vote
on the peace accords
on the grounds
that our rum is made from
only the finest sugar cane
grown in our country's
rich, organic soil.
- Point of order,
the Guatemalan delegation
would like to add,
big fucking deal, same here.
You think you're the only
one with volcanoes?
Anybody not
have volcanoes here?
Raise your hand.
Nobody.
- We all use sugar cane,
you fucking idiot.
- Barbados would like to settle
this matter conclusively
by reminding the council
our nation is
the birthplace of rum
and also Rihanna.
- Of course, of course.
Of course.
- Let the record show
that I would like to have
one summit where the
representative from Barbados
does not mention Rihanna.
- Please, let it also
be recorded,
if someone even
half as hot as Rihanna
were born in your country,
you would bring it up
every single goddamn sentence,
you stupid,
jealous motherfuckers.
[all clamoring]
Don't you come at me,
Ecuador.
- Settle down,
settle down, everyone.
I think the only reasonable
thing to be done
is to nullify today's agreement
and postpone these talks
indefinitely.
- Agreed.
- I now call for a break
so I can use the restroom
and take a nice, long
Nicaraguan rum.
[all clamoring]
- I told you
it tastes like piss.
I told you it tastes like piss.
Fuck your
climate change accords.
I like climate change.
I don't want to be cold.
Let's get the fuck
outta here.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
♪
- I told you
I wasn't ready to go out.
All right, you know,
I'm just gonna sleep here,
and I hope I never wake up,
I'll tell you that.
- Sobrino,
enough of this moping.
So she's out with some new guy.
Who cares?
- Look at me.
That's all I do, I care.
All right?
And I can mope if I want to.
I am of legal moping age.
I'll get over this by myself.
You're not helping.
All right?
- Oh, fine.
Give up.
"I'm Arturo.
I'm so depressed."
- That's not nice.
- "Renee, I loved you so much,
even though we only
dated for three months."
- Three and a half.
- "I'm gonna shrivel up and die
over a girl I barely knew.
Oh, boo-hoo, my dimples
are gone forever."
Ah!
Did I just see a dimple?
- Nope. Uh-uh.
- It's a dimple!
- Two dimples!
Ah, you see!
The spirit of the dimples
can't be crushed.
Hello, dimples.
- Hola.
So are there
any tamales left or...
- Oh, now you want a tamale?
- Yes, I do.
I'm very hungry.
- Sorry, those tamales are
only for little baby boys.
- "I'm Arturo.
I eat fancy cheese.
I live in Brooklyn."
- I don't sound like that.
- Brooklyn, Brooklyn,
Brooklyn.
Fancy cheese
and white wine.
- What is this?
- "Look at me,
I don't eat carbs."
- I just want a fucking tamale.
- This time you're
getting the shoe.
- You'll give me
a tamale first though.
- Get over here!
Get over here!
[all shouting]
Get over here!
[upbeat music]
♪
[cheerful music]
♪
- Hi, it's Sydney.
- And Carissa.
- Nina, I've known you
for almost a decade now,
and I couldn't imagine a more
perfect guy for you than David.
- And I will never forget
your guys' first date.
Nina came home that night.
- Mm-hmm.
- And she was skipping
and she said,
"I just met the one."
- Hi, guys, it's Jecca!
It's like Jessica
and Becca combined.
Don't worry about it.
So me and
the whole bridal party
were roommates freshman year,
and everyone said
I was gonna be the first one
to get married,
and now I'm the only one
who's not married.
[chuckles sadly]
Just crazy.
It's crazy.
[upbeat music]
- Ladies and gentlemen, please
welcome for the first time
as husband and wife,
Mr. and Mrs. Cohen-Smith.
[cheers and applause]
- Love you, B.
Love you.
- Congratulations.
- Bartender, more red wine.
♪
- You did it, David.
Finally did it.
- A toast to finding
your soul mate.
- Cheers.
- Oh, fuck that.
Weddings are bullshit.
Fuck it.
- We don't...
- No, but not you,
Nina and David.
I love you guys.
Whoo!
[belches]
- And that's when I knew
that David wasn't
just a keeper.
He was your keeper,
and you were just...
- Oh, my God, bitch, boring.
Hey.
Everybody...oh, hey, bitch!
I'm sorry,
but she has no charisma.
Or tits, am I right?
No, no, no,
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That was too much.
I'm sorry, I'll calm down.
I'm sorry, I'll calm down.
Okay.
Just kidding!
[all gasp]
Okay, get back here.
I'm not done, I'm not...
Did I say I was done?
- ♪ In a world that...
- To get to see my grandbaby
so happy,
it's the most wonderful...
- Jesus!
- Hey, bitch!
I fucked her grandson
in college once.
But shh.
What, bitch?
I said "shh."
["Hava Nagila" plays]
♪
- Wait!
Hey, excuse me, excuse me,
excuse me, wait.
Do me first.
Do me first.
[all gasp, chattering]
[humming "Hava Nagila"]
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Hey! It's so fun!
Jewish people, I like you.
- Oh, my God.
- My daddy was wrong
about you guys.
- Is everyone ready?
Okay, here we go.
One, two, three!
- Bitch!
- ♪ The rest of my life
- All right, newlyweds,
go ahead and cut the cake.
- [gasps]
♪
- Happy fucking birthday,
you guys.
- Please tell me
you have other footage.
- Well, not without her in it.
- Hey, bitch!
We're engaged.
We'd invite you, but it's
like a super small wedding.
You know?
Bye, bitch!
- We met at your wedding.
[upbeat music]
[upbeat music]
- So you got everything?
- Yes, towels are
in the dryer.
Leftovers in the fridge with
some instructions, got it.
- And if you need
anything else, we're here.
- You know, you didn't
have to come all this way
and get off work.
You know, you could
have just called me.
- Of course we had to come.
- When family needs something,
you go, end of story.
- Gracias.
- Love you.
- I love you.
Bye, tia.
- Gordito.
- Bye.
Okay, safe trip.
Bye, bye.
- Bye.
- Okay?
- Later.
- Oh, yeah, bye, weed guy.
Take care.
[upbeat music]