Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Pivot - full transcript
Arturo learns the art of the conversational pivot, a new "Fifty Shades of Grey" movie ups the kink factor, and Che Guevara time travels to 2019.
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---
[both speaking Spanish]
- El Jefe will see you now.
Come with me.
El Jefe.
I got the money.
You got the weapons?
- If you want to talk to him,
you talk to me.
- Oh, you're the translator?
- No, you are the translator.
- Okay.
I got the money.
[coughs]
Ay, perdón.
- I didn't hear you.
You coughed.
- No, I didn't.
I didn't cough, you coughed.
- Stop saying that I coughed.
- You coughed when you spoke
to El Jefe.
- Ah, translator,
what are you talking about?
- Can I, uh,
try talking to him alone?
- Yes, I will go.
- What?
No, no!
Hey, I meant us!
- Yes, come here.
[tense music]
♪
- Wait, I thought you wanted
to talk to me alone.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Then come here.
- No...
Look, um, do you have the...
How do you say, uh...
- The weapons?
- Weapons!
- Weapons!
Yes, weapons,
but what is las armas.
- You are the worst
fucking translator.
- No, fuck you.
I'm not a translator!
- Not fuck him, fuck you!
Jefe, Jefe.
- Whoa, whoa, wait.
- No, no, I'm on your side.
Relax, okay?
Jefe...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you telling him to kill me?
- No, mata al Americano
is a word...
It's a Guatemalan
rice dish, okay?
- Okay, see,
that does sound like
you're telling him
to shoot me.
- No, no,
that's how you cook it.
That's how...bam, bam, bam.
- Okay, he shoots me,
I shoot you.
- Wait, do you mean
you or him?
- You!
- Ah.
[intense music]
♪
[bird cooing]
- Hoo-hoo.
Pio-pio.
- I'm sorry.
He's the worst fucking
translator.
- Oh.
[cool percussive music]
♪
- It's so crazy
that you're from Guatemala.
- Oh, crazy.
- Because I literally
just got back
from a trip to Peru.
- Okay.
Oh, I-I've never been
to Peru, but...
- Oh.
- I love ceviche, though.
- Yeah, same.
- Great, okay.
Would you excuse me
for a second?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
Cheers.
- So I learned, never give
your mom a password.
- Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
- Sure.
- Do you think we can get
out of here soon, man?
- Why?
We just got here.
- Everybody wants to talk to me
about Latin America.
- Oh.
- I just want to talk
about normal things like
my needlepoint hobby
or something completely
different...
like, cross-stitching
is so last year.
- Yeah, look,
white people sometimes
need to be...gently guided
away from their instincts.
- Right.
- Like that girl over there.
- She asked me
if I was so excited
for the "Black Panther" sequel.
- Oh, that's messed up.
But also, like, who isn't?
- You know what?
You just got to play along
and then pivot the conversation
to what you want to talk about.
Play and pivot.
Two Ps.
- Catchy.
- Yeah, man.
Yeah, do you want to try it?
- No, man, I got this.
- Yo, Seaton!
- Yo, man.
How you doing?
- You hear that new
Drake single?
- [laughs]
For sure.
It's dope.
But there's a theory
of why we all like it.
It's that we all live
in a simulation,
and we just exist for the
entertainment of our creators.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
- You just blew my mind.
- No, Chad.
I just pivoted your mind.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I'm Jennifer.
- Arturo.
Nice to meet you.
- Oh, that's a beautiful name.
Where are you from?
- Guatemala.
- No way!
I'm getting my PhD
in Latin American Studies.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.
- Well, that reminds me of
a completely different subject.
- Mm.
- Latin America!
- [laughs]
- It turned out to be the same
one that you were thinking of.
- Yeah!
Oh, good.
[cool percussive music]
- And now a message
from the Department
of Homeland Security.
- Hello, I'm ICE agent
Bryce J. Korn.
Now, our main goal is to
protect the American people
at all costs.
But we understand
there's been some
humanitarian concerns
over our methodology.
Oof.
And we hear ya.
That's why I'm proud to
announce that as of today,
we will no longer be detaining
undocumented children in cages,
and instead, we'll be
keeping them cage-free!
The U.S. Government
is committed to stealing
and imprisoning
innocent children
in the most
humane way possible.
That's why the minute these
kids are ripped
from their parents,
we put them on that field.
There, they can
roam free-range.
Running, playing,
just having a great time,
with only a high-security
electrified fence
at the perimeter
to confine them...
for their protection.
Just look at those happy
little buggers.
[electrical zapping]
And that's not all.
We've heard your criticism
about the quality of food here.
That's why we switched all
our cage-free children
to a grass-fed diet, and they
can have as much as they want.
Now, we've also read the
reports about health concerns
at our facilities,
so we'll be raising all our
cage-free children with
absolutely no antibiotics.
[chuckles]
So quit it with
your negative press already,
for crying out loud.
With this new
cage-free program,
these Latino children
separated from their parents,
boy, they're healthier
and happier than ever.
[chuckles]
Mm...
Still no eggs, though.
[cool percussive music]
- And that left behind
such a troubled...
- Troubled legacy
for Guatemala.
I was just about to say that.
You took the words
right out of my mouth, again.
- We're just on the same
wavelength with this stuff.
- Speaking of wavelengths,
what's your favorite...
Length of wave?
- Do you mean...
- You guys talking
about Guatemala?
- Yes!
- No, no...
- I actually just
got back from Peru.
- Okay, Peru and Guatemala
don't have that much in common.
- You guys, they're talking
about Peru over here, too.
- No, uh...
Welcome.
- We were just saying
we hope Vizcarra
does better than
his predecessor.
- Arturo, as a Latin American,
what do you think
about Vizcarra?
- Vizcarra, I, um...
- He's the president.
Of Peru.
- Peru, ha!
Of Peru, yeah.
Well, I'll tell you
one thing about him.
You know, he lives
and works in Lima,
which is the capital,
which I know, so...
- [mouthing word]
- That reminds me of
a completely different subject.
Montevideo is
the capital of Uruguay.
- What about Uruguay?
What do you think about
president Pepe Mujica?
- Oh, guys, let's no open up
that can of worms.
It's a party,
let's keep it light.
Let's keep it light!
- What do you mean?
- No, I think Arturo
is onto something.
Let those worms out.
- [sighs] Oh, God.
I will very soon.
But first, do you guys know
what time this party ends?
Like, is there a specific time?
- Don't think so.
- Okay, well, let's
get back into it.
- Sure, let's talk about the
Venezuelan oil industry, then.
- Shit.
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic music]
♪
- [snapping fingers]
♪
[all snapping fingers]
♪
- Okay, Torches.
You want a fair fight?
Come and get it.
Let's turn it around, boys!
[laughing]
all: [hissing]
[jazz music plays]
♪
♪ We'll give you
a mean surprise ♪
♪ We'll show you
we're up to size ♪
♪ No tricks, no rumpus,
but if you try to jump us ♪
♪ We'll give your head
a bump-us ♪
♪ We're the Hornets
[hissing]
- What do you say to that,
Torches?
all: [chanting]
You will not replace us!
You will not replace us!
You will not replace us!
[tense music]
- Oh.
- Quick team meeting,
quick team meeting.
Okay, um...
Okay, so it is feeling
like these guys have
a very different approach
to this rumble than we do.
So maybe we, like, cool it
on the whole singing
and dancing thing
for today, you know?
- But, guys, we rehearsed
all day and night
for this rumble!
- This is not a rumble, okay?
That is a hate crime
waiting to happen.
That's what that looks like.
- But I want to do my move.
- Stop it!
Stop it with your move!
Today is not the day for moves!
- Look, choncho,
you said it yourself.
We have spirit.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- We have gusto.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- And no one can
take that away from us.
- You're right.
No one can
take that away from us.
Okay, Hornets,
let's show them what we got.
all: ♪ Don't be surprised
if we get rough ♪
♪ When they've got a guy
with our fisticuffs ♪
♪ We're gonna sing...
- Gun!
Gun, back up!
There's a gun!
Back up, back up, back up,
back up, ba-ba-ba-ba.
Okay, I was wrong.
They definitely can
take that away from us.
Definitely.
- Don't worry, choncho.
If things go down, huh,
I brought my switchblade.
[all oohing]
- Don't ooh.
This is no time for "ooh."
They have semiautomatic
weapons and body armor, okay?
We have one switchblade
between the seven of us.
Oh, wow.
And it's dull?
Good for you, Raul.
Good for you.
- Por favor,
I know how to use it!
- Don't do it.
Don't do...
- Hey, Torches!
We'll show you not to nab
oranges on our turf, eh?
- Does not speak
for all of us!
all:
White lives matter!
White lives matter!
White lives matter!
- Okay, that's our cue.
That...that is our cue.
- To shuffle bar-rumble them
off our turf?
- No, to get the fuck
out of here rapidly.
We are going to go dance
over there.
You need to chill out.
Dance away, dance away.
Dance away, dance away.
Dance away, go.
- Hyah!
Hey, did you guys see?
I did my move.
- Oh, oh!
Khaki fire!
Khaki fire!
Ugh!
Ugh!
[breathing heavily]
All right, boys.
Let's go back to the Internet.
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic music]
- Introducing the most
erotic chapter yet
in the "50 Shades" saga.
♪
- Mr. Grey, you're one
of the most powerful people
in the world.
How did you do it?
- I know what people want.
I understand...their desires,
Anastasia.
♪
- You're used
to being the boss,
aren't you, Mr. Grey?
- I like something
very specific.
- What?
♪
- Prepare to go where
no other "50 Shades" movie
has gone before.
- What are you gonna
do to me?
- Anything I want.
♪
[smooching loudly]
[breathing heavily]
♪
[smooching loudly]
- Why are you
doing this to me?
- We are ruled by desire.
- No, like,
this particular act.
- I take what I want.
- Can we please
just have penetrative sex?
- [echoing] No.
[smooching loudly]
♪
- What's next?
- More tiny little kisses.
So tiny, you won't
even feel them.
- I would really like
to feel them.
- [smooching loudly]
- Without sight,
they're even louder.
- [smooching loudly]
- Could we try something?
- Like what?
- Literally anything else.
♪
Now I'm gonna take control.
- Do it.
- [smooching loudly]
- Oh, God, is that
what that feels like?
No! No, no.
Stop that, stop that.
Safe word, spaghetti!
Spaghetti!
Stop! Stop!
[tense music]
[loud smooching]
- Oh.
[squeegee squeaking
like smooching]
I thought you were
someone else.
♪
[cool percussive music]
- You were right, man.
It's harder than it looks.
- I told you!
Look, the unwritten third P
in "play and pivot,"
is practice.
- Then call it
the three Ps, man.
Why would you leave out
an essential P?
I needed that P.
- Yeah, you did.
It was brutal out there.
- They wouldn't let me pivot.
Just kept talking and talking
and talking and talking.
- You don't wait for them
to let you pivot, you pivot.
- Well, it's too late now, man.
Now I have to figure out
my opinion
on the Venezuelan oil industry?
How do they know about it?
- I think a more interesting
oil industry
is the essential
oil industry.
- Me too.
You know, I just got
a new diffuser, and I really...
Oh, my God.
You just pivoted me.
- Mm-hmm.
That's the third P, baby.
- Oh, you're good.
- You ready to go pivot?
- I think so.
- You ready to pivot?
- I can pivot.
- Look me in the eye.
Are you a pivoter?
- Oh, I'm a pivoter.
- Who's a pivoter?
You a pivoter?
- I am gonna pivot all over
these people, man.
- Pivot on them!
- Yeah!
- Why we in the bathroom?
- No idea.
- I used to do macramé,
which was fun...
- Not the same.
- But now I'm doing...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey!
- Hey.
- We were just talking about
the new needle-pointing trend.
- Oh, my God.
I love needle-pointing.
- Oh, but now that you're here,
I know you wanted to share
your thoughts on the Venezuelan
oil industry, right?
- About that, I think
the more relevant subject
is the essential oil industry.
Did you guys know that
it can alleviate stress
and really put you in a better
disposition altogether.
- You trying to change
the subject?
- No, no, I'm...
[sighs]
Yes. Yes, I am.
Listen, just because
I'm Latin American
doesn't mean that's
all I want to talk about.
Why don't you try
asking me anything else?
Literally, anything else.
Like, how do I know the host?
Or I don't know...
like, where I get my hair done.
And I will tell you where.
Alphonso's, 'cause that man
is a magician
with sensitive scalps.
I mean, you're white.
Do you know the subtleties
of the political climate
in Germany?
- Actually, yeah.
- Of course you do, Chad.
- Arturo, no one's forcing you
to talk about this stuff.
I mean, why did you even
come back over here
when you got out
of the bathroom?
- That would have been
a perfect time
to join another conversation.
- Because I did not know
that was an option.
- Speaking of options,
Netflix has way
too many options.
What happened to getting
DVDs in the mail?
I miss DVDs.
They're very shiny circles.
- Yeah.
- I like the special features.
- I like it when this guy
changes the topic.
[laughter]
- [mouths words]
- I miss them.
[cool percussive music]
[traffic noise, sirens]
- Ah, capitalist America.
2019.
- Looks like we got here
in the nick of time.
Look at the cesspool
of consumerism.
- Yes, let's start recruiting.
- Hey, you three!
The chains of capitalism
have bound you
to a machine of greed
by which you are enslaved.
Now, who amongst you...
- Hey!
You're the dude from the shirt.
- Oh, yeah.
- What?
- Oh, yeah, my shirt.
- That's you, right?
Beard guy?
- Why is my face
on your shirt?
- I don't know.
It's just cool.
Everybody has one.
- Oh.
Anyway, the laws
of capitalism,
blind and invisible
to the majority...
I am sorry,
did you say everyone?
- Yeah.
- With my face?
Just like this?
- Yeah, I have a poster, too.
- And I got the phone case.
- Okay, hold up, hold up.
Did you guys make these?
- No, no, we bought them.
- Oh, you bought them.
[chuckles]
Who cares?
How much?
- This shirt?
It was, like, $40.
- $40 for a T-shirt?
- Che, come on,
you were saying?
The struggle for liberation
against a foreign oppressor.
- One second, one second.
So let's say
a thousand people have them.
That's $40 a T-shirt.
That's $40,000.
That's a lot of money.
- A thousand people?
No, no, try millions.
- Millions!
Millions!
No, capitalism is bad.
Socialism, good.
For each according
to his ability,
to each according
to his needs.
Yes, okay.
- Is everything okay, Che?
- Yes!
Just running
a few numbers, okay?
- Comandante, we are not here
to participate in capitalism.
We are here to crush it!
- You're right.
- Yes.
- I am a revolutionary.
- Yes.
- I am here to drain this sewer
of greed and nothing else.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
- Hey, you know, my dad's
a copyright lawyer.
- Please tell me more.
[upbeat music]
No, no, no,
you're not listening to me.
I know it's real tobacco.
I just don't care, okay?
By Q2, I want every
toy store in the Midwest
to be carrying Che Gue-Vapors.
Okay, call me back.
Ciao, ciao.
- Our home-improvement sector
is on fire.
America loves
the Che Lounges.
[whooshing]
- Fidel.
- Comrades!
How is our revolution coming?
Have you overthrown the evil
capitalist regime yet?
- Um...
Very close.
I would say very, very close.
You know what? Why don't
you wait for us in the lobby
and we'll come get you
in a second?
- Viva la revolución!
- Uh-huh.
Yes.
[dialing]
Hello, Immigration?
Oh, I got a big one for you.
- Che!
- [sighs]
You're right.
Please go get him.
Actually, it's two of them.
Please hurry.
[cool percussive music]
- You must be speak
such good Spanish.
You know, I learned a little
Spanish in high school, so...
- Oh, that's so cool.
- Mm.
- I actually just ran into
a friend from high school,
who now works
at Knitters Delight
in Williamsburg,
which is where I happen to get
all my double-mesh canvas.
- Aw.
- Are you a yarn-head?
I don't mean to assume.
- I am.
I'm also thinking about getting
into candlestick making, so...
- Oh, great.
[both chuckle]
- You're ready.
- I think so.
Hmm.
Good luck.
- Cool.
- Oh, I love that Sauvignon.
- Oh, yeah, it's really good.
- Right? Not too dry,
not too sweet.
- Mm-mm.
- You know?
- Hey, are...are you mad about
what Trump says about Mexicans?
- [sighs] Not as mad
as I am about
Joann Fabrics running out
of yellow mustard thread.
- [chuckles]
- I'm a needlepoint guy.
- I love needlepoint.
- Oh, you do, huh?
- Yeah.
[both chuckle]
- Is Costa Rica
too touristy?
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
They just have a lot
of beautiful beaches.
- Hmm.
- Which actually inspired
one of my cheekier
embroidered pillows:
"Life's a Beach."
[both laugh]
Would you like
to see a picture?
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Here.
- Oh, wow, that's amazing.
- Oh, thank you.
I feel like needlepoint is
having a bit of a renaissance.
- I don't want
to talk to you.
Our last conversation
ended weirdly.
- It did end weirdly.
Kind of like the whole
cross-stitching fad
ended weirdly.
Do you not have...
- You can't pivot on somebody
you already overplayed.
- Oh.
- And also,
try pivoting to something
other than needlepoint.
People are leaving the party
after they're done
talking to you.
- Probably to buy supplies.
- You're doing it again.
- Oh, my God,
I can't stop.
We need to leave.
- Please.
- Let's go.
♪
---
[both speaking Spanish]
- El Jefe will see you now.
Come with me.
El Jefe.
I got the money.
You got the weapons?
- If you want to talk to him,
you talk to me.
- Oh, you're the translator?
- No, you are the translator.
- Okay.
I got the money.
[coughs]
Ay, perdón.
- I didn't hear you.
You coughed.
- No, I didn't.
I didn't cough, you coughed.
- Stop saying that I coughed.
- You coughed when you spoke
to El Jefe.
- Ah, translator,
what are you talking about?
- Can I, uh,
try talking to him alone?
- Yes, I will go.
- What?
No, no!
Hey, I meant us!
- Yes, come here.
[tense music]
♪
- Wait, I thought you wanted
to talk to me alone.
- Yeah, exactly.
- Then come here.
- No...
Look, um, do you have the...
How do you say, uh...
- The weapons?
- Weapons!
- Weapons!
Yes, weapons,
but what is las armas.
- You are the worst
fucking translator.
- No, fuck you.
I'm not a translator!
- Not fuck him, fuck you!
Jefe, Jefe.
- Whoa, whoa, wait.
- No, no, I'm on your side.
Relax, okay?
Jefe...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you telling him to kill me?
- No, mata al Americano
is a word...
It's a Guatemalan
rice dish, okay?
- Okay, see,
that does sound like
you're telling him
to shoot me.
- No, no,
that's how you cook it.
That's how...bam, bam, bam.
- Okay, he shoots me,
I shoot you.
- Wait, do you mean
you or him?
- You!
- Ah.
[intense music]
♪
[bird cooing]
- Hoo-hoo.
Pio-pio.
- I'm sorry.
He's the worst fucking
translator.
- Oh.
[cool percussive music]
♪
- It's so crazy
that you're from Guatemala.
- Oh, crazy.
- Because I literally
just got back
from a trip to Peru.
- Okay.
Oh, I-I've never been
to Peru, but...
- Oh.
- I love ceviche, though.
- Yeah, same.
- Great, okay.
Would you excuse me
for a second?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Cool.
Cheers.
- So I learned, never give
your mom a password.
- Hey, can I talk to you
for a second?
- Sure.
- Do you think we can get
out of here soon, man?
- Why?
We just got here.
- Everybody wants to talk to me
about Latin America.
- Oh.
- I just want to talk
about normal things like
my needlepoint hobby
or something completely
different...
like, cross-stitching
is so last year.
- Yeah, look,
white people sometimes
need to be...gently guided
away from their instincts.
- Right.
- Like that girl over there.
- She asked me
if I was so excited
for the "Black Panther" sequel.
- Oh, that's messed up.
But also, like, who isn't?
- You know what?
You just got to play along
and then pivot the conversation
to what you want to talk about.
Play and pivot.
Two Ps.
- Catchy.
- Yeah, man.
Yeah, do you want to try it?
- No, man, I got this.
- Yo, Seaton!
- Yo, man.
How you doing?
- You hear that new
Drake single?
- [laughs]
For sure.
It's dope.
But there's a theory
of why we all like it.
It's that we all live
in a simulation,
and we just exist for the
entertainment of our creators.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
- You just blew my mind.
- No, Chad.
I just pivoted your mind.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- I'm Jennifer.
- Arturo.
Nice to meet you.
- Oh, that's a beautiful name.
Where are you from?
- Guatemala.
- No way!
I'm getting my PhD
in Latin American Studies.
- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.
- Well, that reminds me of
a completely different subject.
- Mm.
- Latin America!
- [laughs]
- It turned out to be the same
one that you were thinking of.
- Yeah!
Oh, good.
[cool percussive music]
- And now a message
from the Department
of Homeland Security.
- Hello, I'm ICE agent
Bryce J. Korn.
Now, our main goal is to
protect the American people
at all costs.
But we understand
there's been some
humanitarian concerns
over our methodology.
Oof.
And we hear ya.
That's why I'm proud to
announce that as of today,
we will no longer be detaining
undocumented children in cages,
and instead, we'll be
keeping them cage-free!
The U.S. Government
is committed to stealing
and imprisoning
innocent children
in the most
humane way possible.
That's why the minute these
kids are ripped
from their parents,
we put them on that field.
There, they can
roam free-range.
Running, playing,
just having a great time,
with only a high-security
electrified fence
at the perimeter
to confine them...
for their protection.
Just look at those happy
little buggers.
[electrical zapping]
And that's not all.
We've heard your criticism
about the quality of food here.
That's why we switched all
our cage-free children
to a grass-fed diet, and they
can have as much as they want.
Now, we've also read the
reports about health concerns
at our facilities,
so we'll be raising all our
cage-free children with
absolutely no antibiotics.
[chuckles]
So quit it with
your negative press already,
for crying out loud.
With this new
cage-free program,
these Latino children
separated from their parents,
boy, they're healthier
and happier than ever.
[chuckles]
Mm...
Still no eggs, though.
[cool percussive music]
- And that left behind
such a troubled...
- Troubled legacy
for Guatemala.
I was just about to say that.
You took the words
right out of my mouth, again.
- We're just on the same
wavelength with this stuff.
- Speaking of wavelengths,
what's your favorite...
Length of wave?
- Do you mean...
- You guys talking
about Guatemala?
- Yes!
- No, no...
- I actually just
got back from Peru.
- Okay, Peru and Guatemala
don't have that much in common.
- You guys, they're talking
about Peru over here, too.
- No, uh...
Welcome.
- We were just saying
we hope Vizcarra
does better than
his predecessor.
- Arturo, as a Latin American,
what do you think
about Vizcarra?
- Vizcarra, I, um...
- He's the president.
Of Peru.
- Peru, ha!
Of Peru, yeah.
Well, I'll tell you
one thing about him.
You know, he lives
and works in Lima,
which is the capital,
which I know, so...
- [mouthing word]
- That reminds me of
a completely different subject.
Montevideo is
the capital of Uruguay.
- What about Uruguay?
What do you think about
president Pepe Mujica?
- Oh, guys, let's no open up
that can of worms.
It's a party,
let's keep it light.
Let's keep it light!
- What do you mean?
- No, I think Arturo
is onto something.
Let those worms out.
- [sighs] Oh, God.
I will very soon.
But first, do you guys know
what time this party ends?
Like, is there a specific time?
- Don't think so.
- Okay, well, let's
get back into it.
- Sure, let's talk about the
Venezuelan oil industry, then.
- Shit.
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic music]
♪
- [snapping fingers]
♪
[all snapping fingers]
♪
- Okay, Torches.
You want a fair fight?
Come and get it.
Let's turn it around, boys!
[laughing]
all: [hissing]
[jazz music plays]
♪
♪ We'll give you
a mean surprise ♪
♪ We'll show you
we're up to size ♪
♪ No tricks, no rumpus,
but if you try to jump us ♪
♪ We'll give your head
a bump-us ♪
♪ We're the Hornets
[hissing]
- What do you say to that,
Torches?
all: [chanting]
You will not replace us!
You will not replace us!
You will not replace us!
[tense music]
- Oh.
- Quick team meeting,
quick team meeting.
Okay, um...
Okay, so it is feeling
like these guys have
a very different approach
to this rumble than we do.
So maybe we, like, cool it
on the whole singing
and dancing thing
for today, you know?
- But, guys, we rehearsed
all day and night
for this rumble!
- This is not a rumble, okay?
That is a hate crime
waiting to happen.
That's what that looks like.
- But I want to do my move.
- Stop it!
Stop it with your move!
Today is not the day for moves!
- Look, choncho,
you said it yourself.
We have spirit.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- We have gusto.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- And no one can
take that away from us.
- You're right.
No one can
take that away from us.
Okay, Hornets,
let's show them what we got.
all: ♪ Don't be surprised
if we get rough ♪
♪ When they've got a guy
with our fisticuffs ♪
♪ We're gonna sing...
- Gun!
Gun, back up!
There's a gun!
Back up, back up, back up,
back up, ba-ba-ba-ba.
Okay, I was wrong.
They definitely can
take that away from us.
Definitely.
- Don't worry, choncho.
If things go down, huh,
I brought my switchblade.
[all oohing]
- Don't ooh.
This is no time for "ooh."
They have semiautomatic
weapons and body armor, okay?
We have one switchblade
between the seven of us.
Oh, wow.
And it's dull?
Good for you, Raul.
Good for you.
- Por favor,
I know how to use it!
- Don't do it.
Don't do...
- Hey, Torches!
We'll show you not to nab
oranges on our turf, eh?
- Does not speak
for all of us!
all:
White lives matter!
White lives matter!
White lives matter!
- Okay, that's our cue.
That...that is our cue.
- To shuffle bar-rumble them
off our turf?
- No, to get the fuck
out of here rapidly.
We are going to go dance
over there.
You need to chill out.
Dance away, dance away.
Dance away, dance away.
Dance away, go.
- Hyah!
Hey, did you guys see?
I did my move.
- Oh, oh!
Khaki fire!
Khaki fire!
Ugh!
Ugh!
[breathing heavily]
All right, boys.
Let's go back to the Internet.
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic music]
- Introducing the most
erotic chapter yet
in the "50 Shades" saga.
♪
- Mr. Grey, you're one
of the most powerful people
in the world.
How did you do it?
- I know what people want.
I understand...their desires,
Anastasia.
♪
- You're used
to being the boss,
aren't you, Mr. Grey?
- I like something
very specific.
- What?
♪
- Prepare to go where
no other "50 Shades" movie
has gone before.
- What are you gonna
do to me?
- Anything I want.
♪
[smooching loudly]
[breathing heavily]
♪
[smooching loudly]
- Why are you
doing this to me?
- We are ruled by desire.
- No, like,
this particular act.
- I take what I want.
- Can we please
just have penetrative sex?
- [echoing] No.
[smooching loudly]
♪
- What's next?
- More tiny little kisses.
So tiny, you won't
even feel them.
- I would really like
to feel them.
- [smooching loudly]
- Without sight,
they're even louder.
- [smooching loudly]
- Could we try something?
- Like what?
- Literally anything else.
♪
Now I'm gonna take control.
- Do it.
- [smooching loudly]
- Oh, God, is that
what that feels like?
No! No, no.
Stop that, stop that.
Safe word, spaghetti!
Spaghetti!
Stop! Stop!
[tense music]
[loud smooching]
- Oh.
[squeegee squeaking
like smooching]
I thought you were
someone else.
♪
[cool percussive music]
- You were right, man.
It's harder than it looks.
- I told you!
Look, the unwritten third P
in "play and pivot,"
is practice.
- Then call it
the three Ps, man.
Why would you leave out
an essential P?
I needed that P.
- Yeah, you did.
It was brutal out there.
- They wouldn't let me pivot.
Just kept talking and talking
and talking and talking.
- You don't wait for them
to let you pivot, you pivot.
- Well, it's too late now, man.
Now I have to figure out
my opinion
on the Venezuelan oil industry?
How do they know about it?
- I think a more interesting
oil industry
is the essential
oil industry.
- Me too.
You know, I just got
a new diffuser, and I really...
Oh, my God.
You just pivoted me.
- Mm-hmm.
That's the third P, baby.
- Oh, you're good.
- You ready to go pivot?
- I think so.
- You ready to pivot?
- I can pivot.
- Look me in the eye.
Are you a pivoter?
- Oh, I'm a pivoter.
- Who's a pivoter?
You a pivoter?
- I am gonna pivot all over
these people, man.
- Pivot on them!
- Yeah!
- Why we in the bathroom?
- No idea.
- I used to do macramé,
which was fun...
- Not the same.
- But now I'm doing...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, hey!
- Hey.
- We were just talking about
the new needle-pointing trend.
- Oh, my God.
I love needle-pointing.
- Oh, but now that you're here,
I know you wanted to share
your thoughts on the Venezuelan
oil industry, right?
- About that, I think
the more relevant subject
is the essential oil industry.
Did you guys know that
it can alleviate stress
and really put you in a better
disposition altogether.
- You trying to change
the subject?
- No, no, I'm...
[sighs]
Yes. Yes, I am.
Listen, just because
I'm Latin American
doesn't mean that's
all I want to talk about.
Why don't you try
asking me anything else?
Literally, anything else.
Like, how do I know the host?
Or I don't know...
like, where I get my hair done.
And I will tell you where.
Alphonso's, 'cause that man
is a magician
with sensitive scalps.
I mean, you're white.
Do you know the subtleties
of the political climate
in Germany?
- Actually, yeah.
- Of course you do, Chad.
- Arturo, no one's forcing you
to talk about this stuff.
I mean, why did you even
come back over here
when you got out
of the bathroom?
- That would have been
a perfect time
to join another conversation.
- Because I did not know
that was an option.
- Speaking of options,
Netflix has way
too many options.
What happened to getting
DVDs in the mail?
I miss DVDs.
They're very shiny circles.
- Yeah.
- I like the special features.
- I like it when this guy
changes the topic.
[laughter]
- [mouths words]
- I miss them.
[cool percussive music]
[traffic noise, sirens]
- Ah, capitalist America.
2019.
- Looks like we got here
in the nick of time.
Look at the cesspool
of consumerism.
- Yes, let's start recruiting.
- Hey, you three!
The chains of capitalism
have bound you
to a machine of greed
by which you are enslaved.
Now, who amongst you...
- Hey!
You're the dude from the shirt.
- Oh, yeah.
- What?
- Oh, yeah, my shirt.
- That's you, right?
Beard guy?
- Why is my face
on your shirt?
- I don't know.
It's just cool.
Everybody has one.
- Oh.
Anyway, the laws
of capitalism,
blind and invisible
to the majority...
I am sorry,
did you say everyone?
- Yeah.
- With my face?
Just like this?
- Yeah, I have a poster, too.
- And I got the phone case.
- Okay, hold up, hold up.
Did you guys make these?
- No, no, we bought them.
- Oh, you bought them.
[chuckles]
Who cares?
How much?
- This shirt?
It was, like, $40.
- $40 for a T-shirt?
- Che, come on,
you were saying?
The struggle for liberation
against a foreign oppressor.
- One second, one second.
So let's say
a thousand people have them.
That's $40 a T-shirt.
That's $40,000.
That's a lot of money.
- A thousand people?
No, no, try millions.
- Millions!
Millions!
No, capitalism is bad.
Socialism, good.
For each according
to his ability,
to each according
to his needs.
Yes, okay.
- Is everything okay, Che?
- Yes!
Just running
a few numbers, okay?
- Comandante, we are not here
to participate in capitalism.
We are here to crush it!
- You're right.
- Yes.
- I am a revolutionary.
- Yes.
- I am here to drain this sewer
of greed and nothing else.
- Yes! Yes!
- Yes!
- Hey, you know, my dad's
a copyright lawyer.
- Please tell me more.
[upbeat music]
No, no, no,
you're not listening to me.
I know it's real tobacco.
I just don't care, okay?
By Q2, I want every
toy store in the Midwest
to be carrying Che Gue-Vapors.
Okay, call me back.
Ciao, ciao.
- Our home-improvement sector
is on fire.
America loves
the Che Lounges.
[whooshing]
- Fidel.
- Comrades!
How is our revolution coming?
Have you overthrown the evil
capitalist regime yet?
- Um...
Very close.
I would say very, very close.
You know what? Why don't
you wait for us in the lobby
and we'll come get you
in a second?
- Viva la revolución!
- Uh-huh.
Yes.
[dialing]
Hello, Immigration?
Oh, I got a big one for you.
- Che!
- [sighs]
You're right.
Please go get him.
Actually, it's two of them.
Please hurry.
[cool percussive music]
- You must be speak
such good Spanish.
You know, I learned a little
Spanish in high school, so...
- Oh, that's so cool.
- Mm.
- I actually just ran into
a friend from high school,
who now works
at Knitters Delight
in Williamsburg,
which is where I happen to get
all my double-mesh canvas.
- Aw.
- Are you a yarn-head?
I don't mean to assume.
- I am.
I'm also thinking about getting
into candlestick making, so...
- Oh, great.
[both chuckle]
- You're ready.
- I think so.
Hmm.
Good luck.
- Cool.
- Oh, I love that Sauvignon.
- Oh, yeah, it's really good.
- Right? Not too dry,
not too sweet.
- Mm-mm.
- You know?
- Hey, are...are you mad about
what Trump says about Mexicans?
- [sighs] Not as mad
as I am about
Joann Fabrics running out
of yellow mustard thread.
- [chuckles]
- I'm a needlepoint guy.
- I love needlepoint.
- Oh, you do, huh?
- Yeah.
[both chuckle]
- Is Costa Rica
too touristy?
- Oh, I wouldn't say that.
They just have a lot
of beautiful beaches.
- Hmm.
- Which actually inspired
one of my cheekier
embroidered pillows:
"Life's a Beach."
[both laugh]
Would you like
to see a picture?
- Yeah, I'd love to.
- Here.
- Oh, wow, that's amazing.
- Oh, thank you.
I feel like needlepoint is
having a bit of a renaissance.
- I don't want
to talk to you.
Our last conversation
ended weirdly.
- It did end weirdly.
Kind of like the whole
cross-stitching fad
ended weirdly.
Do you not have...
- You can't pivot on somebody
you already overplayed.
- Oh.
- And also,
try pivoting to something
other than needlepoint.
People are leaving the party
after they're done
talking to you.
- Probably to buy supplies.
- You're doing it again.
- Oh, my God,
I can't stop.
We need to leave.
- Please.
- Let's go.
♪