Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Dreamer - full transcript

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- Hey, folks, and welcome back
to the ALB Game of the Week.

Calvin Turner here with
Gil Jones.

- Good to be here, Cal.
- And we're coming to you

from a chilly afternoon
in Columbus, Ohio.

Right fielder Manny Molina
set to lead off

the bottom of the fifth
with Mackavey pitching.

Molina's hitting
.282 this season.

Much higher average
than last year at this time.

But he has
fewer RBIs with 28.

- Funny how that
works sometimes.

- Hey, you know, every player
has his own batting ritual



and Manny is no exception.

You gotta wonder if his
average would suffer

if he made any changes
to this one.

- You're absolutely right,
Cal.

You see, when your batting
ritual works for you,

you don't change it.

- No, you don't.
It's almost a superstition.

Manny's two for nine in his
career against Mackavey.

They're both from Florida,
interestingly.

- Now here's the part
of Molina's ritual

where he runs around the bases

and touches each base
with his bat.

- For those just joining us,
we're tied at two

at the bottom of the fifth
here at Purdy Stadium.



Manny Molina at bat.

And time has
no meaning.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- I'm sorry, I don't know how
to get this stupid filter off.

- It's totally fine.

Um, let's get back
to the interview.

The "City College Daily Blog"

is really excited to publish
this profile on you, Arturo.

- Well, I'm very excited
to come in

and start the students
on commedia dell'arte.

After all, it was my main focus
in drama school.

It is I, Scaramouche...
- Okay, um,

I think we've
got enough of that.

- I don't think
that's possible.

- Now, if I'm not mistaken,
and I don't think I am,

it started
in 16th century Italy.

Theater history was also
sort of a passion of mine.

- That's really cool,
I don't think we're

gonna need any of that.

Is there anything else
that you can tell me?

Like, did you always
want to be an actor...

- Uh...I think you...you froze.

Oh no, shit,
that's a filter again.

Oh. Another filter.

God...stop it!
Hello?

- Hello?
...can hear you now.

- Have I always wanted to be
an actor, well...

I guess you could say
I'm a bit of a dreamer.

- Wait, you're a Dreamer?

- Mm-hmm.
- Well, tell...more.

- Well, I've just... always
dreamt of telling stories.

- Sorry, I didn't catch
any of that last bit.

When did you first come here?
- Um, I was just a kid.

My mom took me to see my first
Broadway play, but we lost our

tickets at intermission so
we had to sneak in the back.

Ha!
So rebellious of us.

- Sorry, I just heard
you and your mom snuck in.

- Mm-hmm.
- You are so brave.

I think we're about out
of time but thank you so much.

- Okay, bye-bye.

That went well.

[ominous tone]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

[cool percussive music]

- You should
just pick something.

- I can't decide.
There's so many options.

It's like, who even watches
all this stuff?

- How about
"Flip My Aquarium"?

Oh, God, never mind.
- Yeah, that sounds terrible.

- How about this?
"Britain's Smallest Pies."

That sounds... fine?

- Sure. Try it out.

[dramatic music]

- Fuck!

We've got a live one, people!
- What is it this time, boss?

- Someone clicked on
the tiny fuckin' pie show.

- Why would someone
click on that?

- I don't know why,
but they did.

And it's not real,

so we need to make up
something quick. Go on!

[music stops]
- I'm sorry, what are we doing?

- Your first day?

Buckle up, kid.

- The majority of shows
and movies on Netflix are fake.

Just catchy titles with
nice-looking graphic boxes

so it looks like we have
all the shows in the world.

- Yeah, they're padding
for real shows

like "Stranger Things"
and "Frasier."

So whenever somebody clicks
on one of these

fake bullshit titles
like "Britain's Smallest Pies"

or "Battery Hoarders"
or "Santa Clarita Diet,"

we have to slap something
together real quick.

All right, come on, people!

We can't buffer forever,
let's go!

Lena.
- What?

- Get the pie!
- Pie?

- Get the pie!
- Where, where?

- From the pie closet!
- What?

- Smallest pie you find!
- Okay, I'll find it!

Boss?
We've got a pie.

- Great!
Now put it down!

- We're ready for
your voiceover.

- Perfect.

- I'm sorry, are you British?
- Huh?

- Are you a pie?

Then get out of the shot!
Get out of the shot.

All right.
Everybody quiet down.

Everybody quiet down.

We're going live
in three, two, one.

[in British accent]
Pies come in all

shapes and sizes.

But in this show

they're all small.

Join us as we take

a look at some of
Britain's smallest pies.

- This is it?

This is boring as shit.
- Yeah, I thought it was going

to be like a competition
or something?

- No competition here.
It's just... this.

[dramatic musical flourish]
- Oh, thank God!

They turned it off.
- Great work, everyone.

Great work!

- Uh, boss.

You're going to want
to see this.

[dramatic music resumes]

- Now what?
- The same couple.

Now they're hovering
over a title called

"Big Pointy Houses."
Looks like they're deciding

between that and
"The Shrimp Whisperer."

- The fuck is wrong
with these people?

Why can't they watch
"Stranger Things" or "Frasier"

like normal people?
- [sighs]

- Okay.

We have to prepare
for both contingencies.

- Martinez,
find me stock footage

of the biggest, pointiest
houses you can. Go!

Jackson,
call that guy you know,

the one with the shrimp boat.

Go, go, go, go!

- What if we don't
have enough time for that?

- We'll just play something
else. Pretend it's a glitch.

A real show.
I don't know, like "Frasier."

[beep]
- Crisis averted, sir.

They picked "Black Mirror."
- Oh, thank God.

That was close.
[bell rings]

- Oh, no.
- What?

- Some guy in Minnesota
just pressed play on

"Santa Clarita Diet"!

[intense dramatic music]

- Okay.

Get me Drew Barrymore!

[bestial growls]

[roars]

- Why is she so mad?

- She's been down here
for two seasons.

[animalistic bellows]

You know what?
Let's just play "Frasier."

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- "Arturo Castro,
the highest-profile person

to publicly come out
as a DACA Dreamer."

Why do they think
you're a Dreamer?

- Because she asked me
why I wanted to be an actor

and I said I've always been
a bit of a dreamer, you know?

But the connection
was really terrible,

and I think that's
the only part she heard.

But I meant like "Les Mis"
"I Dreamed A Dream" dreamer.

Not DACA Dreamer.

- I have dreams.
- Nobody cares, Chris.

- Okay...

Listen, capital-D Dreamers
are going through hell

right now and my journey
to this country,

while also quite noble,
is slightly different.

- You came here
economy comfort on Delta.

- I was in a middle seat
and it was really chilly.

- Look, I don't see
what the problem is.

I mean, some student thinks
that you're a Dreamer?

Psh, I say go with it.
- Seaton, I would never pretend

to be something I'm not.

- That's literally your job!

You're an actor;
you make a living

pretending to be
something you're not.

But, Seaton might be right.

Nobody reads student blogs.

- [sigh] You know,
you're right.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
This story just got

picked up by HuffPo.

Internet's fast, man.

- [yelps]

No!
man: What the hell?

Okay, no, I've got
to tell them the truth.

I've got to clear this up.
- Look, man.

If you do some kind
of retraction now,

that's going to be worse
than doing nothing at all.

And you're not
technically lying.

- Plus you look good
in the picture.

- You know what?
I'm going to focus

on the commedia workshop
and it's going to be

so amazing that that's all
they'll talk about.

- Yeah, that's the spirit.
- Oh, Jen, you're still

helping me with the
presentation, right?

- Sure. What is up
with all those dildoes?

- [chuckles]
- Common misconception.

They're not dildoes, Jen,
they're phallic symbols

used for costumes
and props in commedia.

It's a very visual art.
- Yeah, no.

Those a bunch of dicks.

[loud slam]
- You know what?

I'll be in my room.

Where there are no bullies.

I'm very sorry
about your phone.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- I'm sure it's not.

- Be careful
with your dicks, man.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- In other news,
a study says that

white people in
the United States will

become the minority
within 30 years.

According to the report,
Latinos and other minorities

will make up the new majority
by the year 2045.

- Oh man,
that's gonna be awesome.

[chuckles]
Wish I could be there now.

[powerful otherworldly sound]

[peaceful music]

♪ ♪

No way.

Excuse me, Miss.
What year are we in?

- It's 2045.
And we're in power now.

- Oh, my God.
- Come on.

[whimsical music]
- ♪ In 2045, ♪

♪ We are the majority ♪

♪ In 2045,
we have the authority ♪

♪ In 2045,
it's a diversity explosion ♪

♪ In 2045,
Manhattan's in the ocean ♪

- [laughs] I'm s...I'm sorry,
what was that about Manhattan?

- It's in the ocean now.
Both coasts are.

And Florida's just
a teeny-tiny nub dick.

- Oh.

[stammers]
Excuse me.

♪ In 2045, the sands
have shifted in our favor ♪

♪ In 2045,
it's full of Latin flavor ♪

[Latin breakdown]

- That's awesome.
Look at that.

♪ In 2045, the Earth's
depleted and worn ♪

♪ And we all wish
that we'd never been born ♪

- Is that a noose
around your neck?

What was that
about the Earth?

- Dude, did you think
the study about minority

demographics was the only
study about the future?

You should've
read more studies, man!

- I skim the headlines, man.

♪ There's no more
oppression in 2045 ♪

♪ No more
microaggressions in 2045 ♪

♪ There's no more animals
in 2045 ♪

♪ And no voter suppression
in 2045 ♪

- I'm sorry, what was that
about the animals?

Like, like none at all, or...?

[whimsical music
becomes distant]

Oh, fuck.

[apocalyptic thunder]

Whoa... guys...

♪ In 2045 the air
is harmfully volcanic ♪

♪ The good news is the country
is about a third Hispanic ♪

♪ And 90% black ♪

- Is it actually that?
- Uh...

♪ No, I'm talking
about the water ♪

♪ If you drink it
you will die ♪

- Sounds good to me!
- No, no, no! Hey, hey!

♪ A million ways
to die off ♪

- She's really fucking dead!
Don't step on over here!

♪ More power
to you and me ♪

♪ But when I say "power"
that's just an expression ♪

- This is not cool, man!

♪ There's no electricity ♪

♪ When the world
has gone to shit ♪

- Can you put me down, please?

- ♪ Who cares
about elections ♪

♪ We spend all our time
getting chased by mutants ♪

♪ And unable to get erections ♪

- Did you say "mutants?"
- Yes!

They're fast too.

- So is it just me
on the erection thing?

- Oh my God,
here comes one now!

[growling]

- I just think I'm the only
one willing to talk about it.

- White people hogged
all the good years, man!

- [snarling]
- No! Stop it!

♪ In 2085,
we will have the majority ♪

♪ In 2085,
we will have the authority ♪

♪ In 2085, you'll wonder
where those humans went ♪

♪ In 2085, we'll have
a mutant president ♪

[thunder]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome back to the
ALB Game of the Week.

If you're just joining us,
there are no outs

in the bottom of the 5th
and Manny Molina

still getting ready to bat.

- Now, Cal, this is probably
my favorite part

of Manny's batting ritual.

- Oh, yes.

Yes, bringing out
the accountant.

Manny always likes to go
over his personal finances

with a certified public
accountant before each pitch.

I guess it gives him some
peace of mind up there.

- Hey,
if it works, it works.

- Oh boy. Molina looks like
he's unhappy

with some of the receipts.

- Well, you know
the old saying, Cal.

There are two certainties
in life: death and taxes.

- [laughs]
You are so right, Gil.

Well, now it appears
that Manny

doesn't like
the feel of his bat.

Looks like he's going
to switch it up.

It's all about feeling
comfortable up there, Gil.

- Absolutely.

- Now, Manny's coming off
a fantastic spring training

where he hit over .300.

Columbus really
got lucky with this trade.

- Oh, they sure did.

Although right now it looks
like Molina isn't happy

with any of the bats here,

so he's gonna carve
a new one, Cal.

Now this is gonna be
the 848th bat that Manny

has crafted this season.

And I want to say thanks
to the stat team

for the heads-up
on that one.

- And while Manny's
crafting his new bat,

let's take a break.

For eternity.
- Sounds good to me, Cal.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Hello, City College
student body.

Please give a warm welcome
for Arturo Castro.

[applause]

[renaissance music plays]

[cheering]

- Buongiorno!
Buongiorno.

[applause]

♪ ♪

- May I present my
assistente, Arlecchino.

[applause]

[music box plays]

Now today we will
explore the dark...

ooooh!

The devilish...
[trills tongue]

And, dare I say, delicious

art form of
commedia dell'arte.

[applause]

Get out of my light.
Get out of my light.

- Okay, okay.
- We love you, Arturo!

- Oh, Arturo is not here!
There is only Pantalone.

But I'm sure Arturo
appreciates the sentiment.

- We support you
and all the Dreamers!

- What?
- Th-the DACA Dreamers?

We support you.

- Can we please put
the house lights up?

Oh, fuck.

I-I mean Pantalone says...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, okay, stop the music.
I-I can't do this.

- Yes, you can!
- We love you, Arturo!

- Yeah, we believe in you.

Even if we're confused about

what specifically
you're doing right now.

- Guys, th-there's been
a major miscommunication, I...

[exhales]

I'm not a Dreamer.

[crowd murmuring]
- Wait, what?

They only printed that because
I said I was a dreamer.

Man, now that
I say it out loud

it seems like I'm saying like,
"Dreamer,"

but I meant dreamer with,
like, the lower case d.

- So you're not a DACA kid?

- Well, technically no.

And by technically
I mean not at all.

[crowd gasps]

Hey, I hear you, okay?

But the DACA Dreamers,
the ones that have to live

in fear and fight
for their basic human rights

in this incredibly
hostile political climate,

they're the heroes, man.
I'm just an actor.

Who's classically trained.

Have I worked with Ang Lee?
Yes I have.

- Rein it in.
- Point is, shame on us.

Shame on every one of us.

- No, shame
specifically on you.

- Okay, yeah.
I can see that.

But hey, we're all here already
and I don't see why this

presentation has to end.

[echoing thump]
[crowd gasps]

It has to end.

I-I see that now.
Jen, please.

Grab the phallus.
- It's a dildo.

- It's not a dildo,
it's a phallus.

- It's got two heads
and two urethras.

It's a dildo.
- It's a phallus.

[cool percussive music]

[suspenseful music]

- Okay, chief.
Nice and easy.

Now remember,

anything I say, you say.

We get him to admit
possession of narcotics

and we've got this scumbag.

And we'll drop
all the charges against you.

♪ ♪

- Vincent.
- Eddie.

- All right, good to see you.
- Now get him comfortable.

Ask him how his weekend was.

- How was your weekend?
- I had a barbecue.

My wife's family came over.
Ate all my food.

- [chuckles] Yeah.
- Good, good, good.

Got him right
where we want him.

- Then my girlfriend,
she takes me to a

Bruno fucking Mars concert.
I hate that guy.

He sounds like a dying pig.
- I hear that.

All right, let's get
down to business, huh?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Backtrack on that?

Put that fucking bag down.

[dramatic pause in music]

Tell him you like Bruno Mars.

- Uh...
- Everything all right?

- Say it!

- Uh, well, actually I...
I like Bruno Mars?

- You do?
You like that shit?

He's nothing compared
to Michael Jackson.

- Okay!

You can't compare
that scumbag to Bruno Mars!

Okay.
You tell him...

- Bruno Mars
can out-sing, out-dance,

and out-charisma MJ any day.

- All right, now.
You're starting to be

a little disrespectful
to the King of Pop.

- I-I'm so sorry for what
I'm about to say.

- Oh yeah?

[tense music]

- You don't understand
music at all.

- Like you mean it!
- You don't get music at all!

- The fuck
are you talking about?

- I will... prove to you
that Bruno's moves

are more original.
Or maybe I won't, please?

Never mind, yes I will.

Okay.

I will prove it. Uh...

Um, the... this is MJ.

[tense music]

- Put your hand up in the air
and move your hips.

Grab the crotch!
He always grabs the crotch!

- [very high pitched]
Ow!

- Now you're Bruno Mars.
Do not dare fuck this up.

- But Bruno is...is more like...

♪ ♪

- Yeah!

Now pelvic thrust.

♪ ♪

- Tell him...

- We are lucky to be alive

while Bruno Mars
is making music.

- Hey, Eddie.

I think it's time
you sit the fuck down.

- Yeah, okay.
Okay.

- The fuck's
the matter with you?

- I'm sorry.
But...

I have to say to you...

[heavy breathing]

Anyone who doesn't
like Bruno Mars...

No.
- Say it.

- Anyone who doesn't like Bruno
Mars has a head full of shit.

- What are you, out of
your fuckin' mind?

- I-I'm out of my mind
with love for Bruno.

- Well that's fuckin' great.

But I tell you what,

I'm not going to let
a million-dollar deal slide

because some jerkoff's
into Bruno Mars.

- [whispering] Please don't say
anything else about Bruno Mars.

- You're the one that seems
obsessed with him, all right?

You know what?
Here's my stuff.

Where's yours?
- Yes, yes. Let's do the deal.

Great idea.
- Let's do that.

- Here's the cash.

[grunts with effort]
- Nice.

There's enough money
in this bag

where I could buy Bruno Mars
some fuckin' talent.

[door kicked open]
- You take that back!

- The hell's going on here?
- What's going on here is that

Bruno Mars is an artist
in every sense of the word.

Singer! Dancer! Lover!

No, I haven't had sex
with him yet.

But I've thought about it
a lot!

[door kicked open]

- What's going on here
is Bruno Mars has no voice.

And I'd rather have
my eardrum punctured

than listen to one more
of his goddamn songs.

[dramatic music building]

- Wait, you guys are DEA?

- And you two are... FBI?

- Oh.
- Oh my.

- Oh wow.

Awkward, wow.
- I was going to shoot you.

- I was surely
going to kill him.

- It was getting a little crazy
there for a second.

[all sigh]

- I guess...
I guess we're good here.

I mean, you don't actually
hate Bruno Mars... right?

- You don't actually...
like him, do you?

[dramatic music restarts]
- I love Bruno Mars.

[gunshots]

- [relieved sigh]

What's your opinion
on Chris Brown?

- Complete piece of shit.

- I agree.
Fuck that guy.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, God.
- Wow.

They really did not like
that you lied to them

about how you immigrated
into this country.

- I know Jen, thank you.
- I mean, it's a really

bad time politically to lie
about something like that.

- I am aware.
- I mean, how are you

going to live
with yourself after this?

- Is there anything you've
done that's super embarrassing

that you talk about over
and over and over again?

- No, I'm...I'm a really
good person.

- Good for you.
[knock on door]

- Oh my God. I am so sorry.
I thought there might have been

a misunderstanding
and I should have told you.

I did not mean
to screw that up.

- No, it's actually
a really good thing.

I mean, because you're a liar
we're actually getting

a lot of attention
towards a real issue.

Which means
instead of scheduling

that commedia dell'arte crap
we're going to have a real

rally here next week.
So, thank you.

I mean fuck you.

But also thank you.

- Hey, you're welcome.

That felt good.
- She said, "Fuck you."

- Oh, you know, two thank yous
minus one fuck you

is still one thank you.
- Mmm... that's bad math.

- Okay, just help me
pack up the dildoes.

- [gasps]
- Phalluses. Phalluses!

- No.
Mm-mm.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

- Welcome back to the
ALB Game of the Week.

Manny Molina is just finishing
crafting a new bat

for his at-bat here
in the bottom of the fifth.

- And what a treat
for the fans

to see such fine
craftsmanship.

- You know,
that's very true, Gil.

Well, looks like Manny
is happy with his work.

So with a freshly crafted bat,
he enters the batter's box.

Bottom of the fifth
with no outs.

Mackavey set to deliver.
Here's the pitch.

Oh, it's in there for a
called strike. 0-1 on Molina.

We're tied at two
in the bottom of the fifth.

It's gonna be a real duel,
this one.

- You know it, Gil.

You can just feel the tension
here at Purdy Stadium.

You know, it's almost as if
some of the fans

have just realized

they might not live
to see the end of this game.

- [chuckles]
They definitely won't, Cal.

None of us will.