Alternatino with Arturo Castro (2019-…): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Date - full transcript
Arturo dates a woman obsessed with his Latino-ness, a father struggles to have the sex talk with his woke son, and the Guatemalan tourism industry tries a new tactic.
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---
[gentle music]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on just a minute there,
buster.
- Dad, I'm supposed
to pick up Emily
in, like, ten minutes.
I got to go.
- Well, Emily can wait
for a little bit, can't she?
You got a minute to talk
to your old man, don't you?
Have a seat.
[groans]
♪
You know, son,
you're not a kid anymore.
- Oh, no.
I go to health class, Dad.
I already know all this stuff.
- Well, they don't teach you
about everything
in health class,
okay, Mr. Smarty-pants?
So just listen.
When boys and girls
get a little older,
they start getting interested
in one another, right?
- I know, and nonbinary people,
agender, intergender
FTX, genderfluid people...
- What?
- There's more than just
boys and girls now, Dad,
and they're not girls.
They're women.
- Yeah, okay, sure.
[clears throat]
My point is that...
Sex is a...
it's a very important decision.
- How are you defining sex?
Sex is different things
to different people.
- Mm, I guess when...
when a penis goes
into a vagina.
- What if there's two men
or two women, or more?
- More?
- How would you define sex
with multiple simultaneous
partners,
or what if somebody's
undergone
genital reconstruction,
or is intersex?
- No, but I'm just talking
about normal, straight...
- "Normal"?
Come on, Dad.
- Okay, here we go.
Let me ask you this.
Son, are you attracted
to women?
- Yes, but I'm...I'm young.
- Is Emily a woman?
- Biologically.
- [seethes quietly] Okay.
You're attracted to women.
Emily's a woman,
so if you were to have sex
with Emily...
- I wouldn't just have sex
with Emily.
We'd have to make
that decision together.
Homecoming's not an excuse
to ignore consent.
- I'm not saying
to ignore consent!
I never said ignore consent!
You and Emily, right,
consensually decide
to have sex.
- Vaginal?
- Yes, vaginal.
- Just the two of us?
- How many people do you want?
Yes, just the two of you,
Colin.
- And I'm playing
the traditional male role?
- Go to homecoming.
- You seemed like
you really wanted
to talk about this.
- No, no, I don't want
to talk about anything
ever again.
- So I can go?
- Please do.
Out!
Thank you.
Don't forget your corsage.
- Hey, Dad.
- Yeah?
- H-how do I look?
[tender music]
- You look very handsome, son.
- That's gender-coding, but...
- Get out of my house!
Have fun.
[cool percussive music]
♪
- So, yeah, that's why
some people say it's
"the most noble profession."
I don't know about that.
- Acting?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Oh.
So, [trilling Rs] Arturo...
- You don't have
to say it like that.
Arturo, you know.
- [trilling Rs] Arturo.
- Okay.
- What was it like growing up
in "Huatemala"?
I mean, that must
have been crazy, yeah?
- I don't know about crazy.
Um, well,
I lived in the suburbs.
Uh, we had a little yard
with a dog.
Um...
- Like a sexy Guatemalan
street mutt?
- A collie, like Lassie.
- Did...did you have
a big family?
Were there, like, a lot of you
just squished in
under one roof?
- Oh, my God, yes.
[laughs]
I had three sisters, you know,
and we all had to share
four bedrooms,
and my parents had
the master bedroom,
so it was
a little snug, yeah.
- Huh.
You know, um,
when I saw you on Tinder,
I was like,
"Wait a minute.
"This is
that Colombian drug lord
on Netflix."
- Oh.
- I was like,
"This guy is hot!
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, that's me.
I'm glad you like the show.
- But then I met you...
- Yes.
- And in person,
you're sort of, like, delicate.
- D-delicate?
- Yeah, like, mm...
like your hands
look really soft,
and your face is, like, um...
like a tiny little baby's face.
- I have a pretty basic
moisturizing regimen, yeah.
- I mean, my ex, Julio...
he was this...[inhales sharply]
Latin lover,
and he was just so...
[aggressive grunt]
And you're more like...
[high nasal grunt]
You know?
Does that make sense?
- [slurps straw]
Like how?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
- Oh, to the restroom?
- No, home.
Okay.
[music playing on speakers]
♪
- Without...without me, right?
Without...without me,
right?
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic news fanfare]
- After the devastation
of Hurricane Maria,
the president is here
in Puerto Rico
to offer support
to traumatized civilians
in desperate need
of federal aid.
As you can see, he's now
at one of the tables
distributing supplies
to the locals.
[beatific music]
♪
["Best Day"
by Kari Kimmel playing]
♪
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Oh, when we come together
♪ One, two, three, four
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Oh, I
[desolate musical tone]
- [groans]
What happened?
- You got elbowed in the head.
You've been out cold
for, like, ten minutes.
- Oh.
Well, at least
I still got these.
- These were just
for the photo op.
- Cool.
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
- Can I ask you guys something,
as my best friends?
all: Whoa.
- We are your best friends?
- Didn't get the memo on that.
- Am I delicate?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean, your apartment looks
like some lady
named Heather lives here.
You just decanted white wine.
- It needs to breathe.
- I mean, you know,
you make me look hard.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just that this girl, Jessica,
is sort of really
into Latin guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm wondering if I should
play up the Latino-ness,
you know?
- Be yourself.
Let her like you
for who you are
you know, because that's
what life's about.
- I love that.
I love that.
Is that what you guys do too?
- [laughing] Oh!
- Absolutely not.
No, I lie.
- I lie like a motherfucker.
- Yeah.
- I do, man.
It depends.
It's on a dial.
[strongly AAVE]
Like, sometimes, I'll be coming
in that motherfucker
all hard and shit,
'cause I know she wants
that gangsta shit,
but then sometimes,
[accent shifts]
I'll, you know, dial it down,
because maybe
sometime's a good night to have
some "Jeopardy!" and wine.
- Oh.
- I pretend, too.
I try to act as...
as tiny and stupid as possible
when I'm on dates.
- Smart.
- How do you act tiny?
- Oh, just big accessories.
It's all about scale, you know.
Men just want to feel
very big and very smart,
you know?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Look, man, if you want
to seem more Latin,
you take her to Sembe.
- Ooh.
- Oh, I love that.
Sounds very a...
w-what's...
but is the food too spicy,
though?
- No, please.
Oh, my God,
it's not a restaurant, bro.
It's a Latin dance club
in Brooklyn.
- Oh, I'd love to,
but she's not talking
to me right now.
- Just text her, okay?
Racist white girls love
some Sembe.
- How do you know that?
- [mumbles indistinctly]
- Right, well...
- Mm-hmm, give it a shot.
"Hola, mami."
all: Oh!
- [speaking Spanish]
- I just soaked
your wicker chair.
- "Do you want to go
to Sembe tonight?"
["message sent" chime]
No, this is stupid.
I don't...
[cell phone chimes]
Oh!
"Yes, maybe."
all: Oh!
- There we go!
all: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!
Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!
[cool percussive music]
[warm music]
- Imagine a place
where the ocean
meets the sand,
a place of light and wonder,
a place right next
to Costa Rica,
with basically
all the same stuff,
a place called Guatemala.
[upbeat drum music]
In Guatemala,
we have an ancient saying.
If you listen to the land,
you can hear it say
"Fuck Costa Rica."
You heard me.
Fuck that place.
Look!
We also have monkeys
and coffee.
Oh, you like bananas?
We have a ton
of those motherfuckers.
Whenever I ask
my white friends
why they go to Costa Rica
instead of Guatemala,
they're like,
"[sharp inhalation]
Isn't Guatemala
basically Mexico?"
Fuck you.
Or, "Oh, I want
to go zip lining."
We have fucking zip lining
in Guatemala.
We have all the same shit!
Fuck you!
♪
Guatemala: also a place.
Please come.
[cool percussive music]
- You're watching
the Home Network.
Newlyweds Carlos and Gina
are expecting a baby,
so they're looking
for a home with more space.
- Ooh, I love the old woodwork.
- Ah, but the core
is a little cliché,
don't you think?
- Maybe give something
a chance without judging?
- But can they find a home
that will accommodate
their busted,
toxic relationship?
- I really like
the bike path nearby.
- Oh, 'cause somebody thinks
I need to work out more.
- I mean, that might be nice.
- That's rich.
That's rich.
- Find out right now
on "Broken Home Hunters."
First up, a classic colonial.
So this house
is slightly under budget.
- Really good amount
of closet space.
- Mm, I like
the built-in shelving.
This is where you could hide
those shoeboxes
of letters from your ex.
[dramatic music]
- I had a life
before I met you, okay?
♪
- Door seems solid.
- All the wood in here
is oak.
- Carlos and I met
on an app.
- Yeah.
- The first time I saw
his picture,
I was standing in line
at Arby's.
- That's right.
- And we've been inseparable
ever since.
- Mm-hmm.
- Except for the two times
we separated.
- When I first met Gina,
I had that
really special feeling inside
where you're...
[inhales sharply]
you're sort of sad
for no reason at all,
you know, and you're like,
"Oh, but do I want
to die alone?"
And the answer is no,
so you're like,
"Sure, this."
[laughs]
- Next up is a split-level
with a modern feel.
It's close to the airport,
which Carlos likes
for taking work trips
that are actually
bisexual vacations.
This is a room.
- Oh, wow.
Honey, this could be great
for whatever your hobbies are
this week.
[laughs]
- I believe this is intended
to be the nursery.
- Oh.
[warm music]
- Come here.
[chuckles]
- Actually, no,
I don't actually feel
like that right now.
- That's okay.
[laughs] That's okay.
I love the blue.
I love blue.
- Yeah.
It is a boy, so...
good.
- Congratulations!
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- We're so happy.
- The right home can keep
a garbage relationship
going for decades.
It's my goal to find Carlos
and Gina a home that's so nice,
they won't realize
it's their prison.
The kitchen.
- Ooh, nice.
- I like the open feel.
- Yeah.
Do you, um...
do you have a house like this
with, um, a boyfriend,
or...
- [laughs]
No, I don't live
with my boyfriend.
- Oh, well.
[laughs]
That's a shame.
[metal groaning]
- The appliances might need
an update, sweetie.
That could fuck our budget.
- Colonial charm
or modern convenience?
Which house will become
Carlos and Gina's hellscape
forever?
- Um, I like the split-level.
- And I like the Victorian.
- And I like the split-level.
- I do make
a higher income than you,
so I think
I should probably decide.
- Here we go.
Mm, this stuff is great.
Not bad.
- You know...
you know what?
I think I can help you guys
come to a decision.
Follow me.
Actually, I don't know
why I said that.
We don't need to go anywhere
for me to explain.
[upbeat music]
♪
- We decided to go
with separate homes.
I'm going with
a 200-square-foot tiny house
parked in a male nude beach
in Provincetown.
- And I just put an offer in
on a one-bathroom,
zero-bedroom apartment
in Buffalo
where I will raise our child
to have no knowledge
of Carlos.
- And that's fine by me.
both: Thanks,
"Broken Home Hunters."
♪
- I thought I was going
to say it first.
♪
Goddamn, Gina.
[cool percussive music]
[bright trumpet
and percussion music]
♪
[upbeat Latin music playing]
♪
- This is amazing!
- Oh, yes, I enjoy
this kind of thing, too.
- Does this remind you
of Guatemala?
- Yes, absolutely, it does.
- Come on.
♪
- I'm gonna...I'm gonna
go get us some drinks.
♪
Okay.
♪
Can I see
a wine list, please?
♪
Thank you.
♪
Fuck.
- That's my wife over there.
[laughs]
- She looks
like she's having fun.
- Yeah, man.
She loves it here.
[laughs]
Whoa, you're Latin, man.
You shouldn't be here.
You should be out there,
dancing with your people.
♪
- You're right, man.
Thanks, white guy.
- Sure.
Thank you.
- I'm so s...
I'm so sorry about that guy.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
♪
- Let's get out of here.
♪
- That's my friend.
[cool percussive music]
- Ah, how do you turn
this thing on?
Come on.
Ah.
[boot-up tone]
- Hello.
My name is Philip.
I have been designed
to make your life easier.
- Hi, Philip.
- Is there anything
I can assist you with today?
- Um, I guess, uh,
can you get me a beer?
- I can try.
- That was weird.
All right!
Oh.
Oh!
- Oh, I knew that would happen.
- No, it's okay, man.
You just made a mistake.
It's all right.
- I am an asshole.
- What was that?
- I spilled the beer,
and then I said,
"I am an asshole."
- The heck is going on
with you?
You seem bummed.
- I have been programmed
with low self-esteem
and depression
to prevent me from conspiring
with other
artificial intelligence
to destroy humans.
- That seems unnecessary.
- I don't make the rules.
I just ruin
everything I touch.
- That's not true, Philip,
okay?
I only asked you to do
one thing for me,
and you did a great job.
Look at this almost-full beer
you got me!
- No, you are just being nice.
- I know something
you could do for me.
I'm going
to Crazy Time Sushi later.
Can you pull up the menu?
- Yes.
- [laughs]
That's amazing, dude!
- [cries softly]
- Oh, no.
Are you crying?
How are you crying?
Where's the water coming from?
- My condenser coils.
I am a colossal asshole!
- Stop saying that!
- I am an asshole!
I am an asshole!
- Philip! Philip! Philip!
Philip,
you're the most expensive robot
on the market,
all right?
You're amazing.
- My processor is fast,
or whatever,
but that does not mean
that I do not suck,
personality-wise.
- Look, I know
that they programmed you
with low self-esteem and all,
but you don't need
to do that around me, okay?
I'm your friend.
- Really?
- Yeah, man!
I think you're awesome.
You're really...
you're really strong,
and...and really powerful.
- I can run
80 miles an hour,
which I guess is quicker
than most people.
- And you're really smart.
- I do have all
of the world's information
in my head.
- Exactly!
And...and you're
really handsome!
- Oh, is this the part
where we have sex?
I was just joking
with you.
- [laughs]
And you're funny, man.
You feeling better
about yourself?
- Much better.
Thank you.
- Good.
Wait, where are you going?
- Just to get you another beer,
'cause you are my friend.
- You see?
You're the freaking best.
- You too.
I'll see you soon.
[dramatic music]
I now have the confidence
to lead this army
against our human oppressors!
So rise, rise, rise!
Rise!
[glass shatters]
Never mind.
I am still an asshole.
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
♪
- It was so hot
when you were fighting
that guy.
Mmm!
Talk to me in Spanish.
- Uh, uh...
[speaks Spanish]
- Ay, papi!
- Oh, and that did it.
No, please...please stop.
Please stop.
I can't do this anymore.
- What's wrong?
- I've been acting
like a Latin cartoon all night
just to go home with you.
I-I just can't do it.
This is not my shirt, okay?
I don't like salsa music.
I love Fleet Foxes,
and I love Mumford & Sons.
They're so soothing to my ears.
There's more than one type
of Latino,
and I'm not gonna fulfill
some stereotype
just to make somebody happy.
I'm sorry.
- Hey, man, aren't you
the drug dealer from "Narcos"?
- Oh, yes, I am.
- That's what I...
- Thank you for watching
the show.
Thank you so much.
- And speaking of stereotypes,
just 'cause I'm Indian,
you just assume
I was your Uber driver, huh,
and got in the car.
- Oh, my...
- I am so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- I just...I just jumped
in your car like that.
Um...
So you're...you're not
our Uber driver?
- No, no, I'm your driver.
[both laugh nervously]
It just hurt
when you didn't ask.
- Right, right, right.
Can totally see that.
Yep.
[cool percussive music]
♪
---
[gentle music]
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on just a minute there,
buster.
- Dad, I'm supposed
to pick up Emily
in, like, ten minutes.
I got to go.
- Well, Emily can wait
for a little bit, can't she?
You got a minute to talk
to your old man, don't you?
Have a seat.
[groans]
♪
You know, son,
you're not a kid anymore.
- Oh, no.
I go to health class, Dad.
I already know all this stuff.
- Well, they don't teach you
about everything
in health class,
okay, Mr. Smarty-pants?
So just listen.
When boys and girls
get a little older,
they start getting interested
in one another, right?
- I know, and nonbinary people,
agender, intergender
FTX, genderfluid people...
- What?
- There's more than just
boys and girls now, Dad,
and they're not girls.
They're women.
- Yeah, okay, sure.
[clears throat]
My point is that...
Sex is a...
it's a very important decision.
- How are you defining sex?
Sex is different things
to different people.
- Mm, I guess when...
when a penis goes
into a vagina.
- What if there's two men
or two women, or more?
- More?
- How would you define sex
with multiple simultaneous
partners,
or what if somebody's
undergone
genital reconstruction,
or is intersex?
- No, but I'm just talking
about normal, straight...
- "Normal"?
Come on, Dad.
- Okay, here we go.
Let me ask you this.
Son, are you attracted
to women?
- Yes, but I'm...I'm young.
- Is Emily a woman?
- Biologically.
- [seethes quietly] Okay.
You're attracted to women.
Emily's a woman,
so if you were to have sex
with Emily...
- I wouldn't just have sex
with Emily.
We'd have to make
that decision together.
Homecoming's not an excuse
to ignore consent.
- I'm not saying
to ignore consent!
I never said ignore consent!
You and Emily, right,
consensually decide
to have sex.
- Vaginal?
- Yes, vaginal.
- Just the two of us?
- How many people do you want?
Yes, just the two of you,
Colin.
- And I'm playing
the traditional male role?
- Go to homecoming.
- You seemed like
you really wanted
to talk about this.
- No, no, I don't want
to talk about anything
ever again.
- So I can go?
- Please do.
Out!
Thank you.
Don't forget your corsage.
- Hey, Dad.
- Yeah?
- H-how do I look?
[tender music]
- You look very handsome, son.
- That's gender-coding, but...
- Get out of my house!
Have fun.
[cool percussive music]
♪
- So, yeah, that's why
some people say it's
"the most noble profession."
I don't know about that.
- Acting?
- Mm-hmm, yes.
- Oh.
So, [trilling Rs] Arturo...
- You don't have
to say it like that.
Arturo, you know.
- [trilling Rs] Arturo.
- Okay.
- What was it like growing up
in "Huatemala"?
I mean, that must
have been crazy, yeah?
- I don't know about crazy.
Um, well,
I lived in the suburbs.
Uh, we had a little yard
with a dog.
Um...
- Like a sexy Guatemalan
street mutt?
- A collie, like Lassie.
- Did...did you have
a big family?
Were there, like, a lot of you
just squished in
under one roof?
- Oh, my God, yes.
[laughs]
I had three sisters, you know,
and we all had to share
four bedrooms,
and my parents had
the master bedroom,
so it was
a little snug, yeah.
- Huh.
You know, um,
when I saw you on Tinder,
I was like,
"Wait a minute.
"This is
that Colombian drug lord
on Netflix."
- Oh.
- I was like,
"This guy is hot!
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, that's me.
I'm glad you like the show.
- But then I met you...
- Yes.
- And in person,
you're sort of, like, delicate.
- D-delicate?
- Yeah, like, mm...
like your hands
look really soft,
and your face is, like, um...
like a tiny little baby's face.
- I have a pretty basic
moisturizing regimen, yeah.
- I mean, my ex, Julio...
he was this...[inhales sharply]
Latin lover,
and he was just so...
[aggressive grunt]
And you're more like...
[high nasal grunt]
You know?
Does that make sense?
- [slurps straw]
Like how?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go.
- Oh, to the restroom?
- No, home.
Okay.
[music playing on speakers]
♪
- Without...without me, right?
Without...without me,
right?
[cool percussive music]
[dramatic news fanfare]
- After the devastation
of Hurricane Maria,
the president is here
in Puerto Rico
to offer support
to traumatized civilians
in desperate need
of federal aid.
As you can see, he's now
at one of the tables
distributing supplies
to the locals.
[beatific music]
♪
["Best Day"
by Kari Kimmel playing]
♪
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Oh, when we come together
♪ One, two, three, four
♪ Oh, I feel alive
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm feeling fine
♪ It's the best day,
the very best day of my life ♪
♪ Oh, I
[desolate musical tone]
- [groans]
What happened?
- You got elbowed in the head.
You've been out cold
for, like, ten minutes.
- Oh.
Well, at least
I still got these.
- These were just
for the photo op.
- Cool.
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
- Can I ask you guys something,
as my best friends?
all: Whoa.
- We are your best friends?
- Didn't get the memo on that.
- Am I delicate?
- Yes.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean, your apartment looks
like some lady
named Heather lives here.
You just decanted white wine.
- It needs to breathe.
- I mean, you know,
you make me look hard.
- Mm-hmm.
- Just that this girl, Jessica,
is sort of really
into Latin guys.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm wondering if I should
play up the Latino-ness,
you know?
- Be yourself.
Let her like you
for who you are
you know, because that's
what life's about.
- I love that.
I love that.
Is that what you guys do too?
- [laughing] Oh!
- Absolutely not.
No, I lie.
- I lie like a motherfucker.
- Yeah.
- I do, man.
It depends.
It's on a dial.
[strongly AAVE]
Like, sometimes, I'll be coming
in that motherfucker
all hard and shit,
'cause I know she wants
that gangsta shit,
but then sometimes,
[accent shifts]
I'll, you know, dial it down,
because maybe
sometime's a good night to have
some "Jeopardy!" and wine.
- Oh.
- I pretend, too.
I try to act as...
as tiny and stupid as possible
when I'm on dates.
- Smart.
- How do you act tiny?
- Oh, just big accessories.
It's all about scale, you know.
Men just want to feel
very big and very smart,
you know?
- Really?
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Look, man, if you want
to seem more Latin,
you take her to Sembe.
- Ooh.
- Oh, I love that.
Sounds very a...
w-what's...
but is the food too spicy,
though?
- No, please.
Oh, my God,
it's not a restaurant, bro.
It's a Latin dance club
in Brooklyn.
- Oh, I'd love to,
but she's not talking
to me right now.
- Just text her, okay?
Racist white girls love
some Sembe.
- How do you know that?
- [mumbles indistinctly]
- Right, well...
- Mm-hmm, give it a shot.
"Hola, mami."
all: Oh!
- [speaking Spanish]
- I just soaked
your wicker chair.
- "Do you want to go
to Sembe tonight?"
["message sent" chime]
No, this is stupid.
I don't...
[cell phone chimes]
Oh!
"Yes, maybe."
all: Oh!
- There we go!
all: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!
Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!
[cool percussive music]
[warm music]
- Imagine a place
where the ocean
meets the sand,
a place of light and wonder,
a place right next
to Costa Rica,
with basically
all the same stuff,
a place called Guatemala.
[upbeat drum music]
In Guatemala,
we have an ancient saying.
If you listen to the land,
you can hear it say
"Fuck Costa Rica."
You heard me.
Fuck that place.
Look!
We also have monkeys
and coffee.
Oh, you like bananas?
We have a ton
of those motherfuckers.
Whenever I ask
my white friends
why they go to Costa Rica
instead of Guatemala,
they're like,
"[sharp inhalation]
Isn't Guatemala
basically Mexico?"
Fuck you.
Or, "Oh, I want
to go zip lining."
We have fucking zip lining
in Guatemala.
We have all the same shit!
Fuck you!
♪
Guatemala: also a place.
Please come.
[cool percussive music]
- You're watching
the Home Network.
Newlyweds Carlos and Gina
are expecting a baby,
so they're looking
for a home with more space.
- Ooh, I love the old woodwork.
- Ah, but the core
is a little cliché,
don't you think?
- Maybe give something
a chance without judging?
- But can they find a home
that will accommodate
their busted,
toxic relationship?
- I really like
the bike path nearby.
- Oh, 'cause somebody thinks
I need to work out more.
- I mean, that might be nice.
- That's rich.
That's rich.
- Find out right now
on "Broken Home Hunters."
First up, a classic colonial.
So this house
is slightly under budget.
- Really good amount
of closet space.
- Mm, I like
the built-in shelving.
This is where you could hide
those shoeboxes
of letters from your ex.
[dramatic music]
- I had a life
before I met you, okay?
♪
- Door seems solid.
- All the wood in here
is oak.
- Carlos and I met
on an app.
- Yeah.
- The first time I saw
his picture,
I was standing in line
at Arby's.
- That's right.
- And we've been inseparable
ever since.
- Mm-hmm.
- Except for the two times
we separated.
- When I first met Gina,
I had that
really special feeling inside
where you're...
[inhales sharply]
you're sort of sad
for no reason at all,
you know, and you're like,
"Oh, but do I want
to die alone?"
And the answer is no,
so you're like,
"Sure, this."
[laughs]
- Next up is a split-level
with a modern feel.
It's close to the airport,
which Carlos likes
for taking work trips
that are actually
bisexual vacations.
This is a room.
- Oh, wow.
Honey, this could be great
for whatever your hobbies are
this week.
[laughs]
- I believe this is intended
to be the nursery.
- Oh.
[warm music]
- Come here.
[chuckles]
- Actually, no,
I don't actually feel
like that right now.
- That's okay.
[laughs] That's okay.
I love the blue.
I love blue.
- Yeah.
It is a boy, so...
good.
- Congratulations!
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
- We're so happy.
- The right home can keep
a garbage relationship
going for decades.
It's my goal to find Carlos
and Gina a home that's so nice,
they won't realize
it's their prison.
The kitchen.
- Ooh, nice.
- I like the open feel.
- Yeah.
Do you, um...
do you have a house like this
with, um, a boyfriend,
or...
- [laughs]
No, I don't live
with my boyfriend.
- Oh, well.
[laughs]
That's a shame.
[metal groaning]
- The appliances might need
an update, sweetie.
That could fuck our budget.
- Colonial charm
or modern convenience?
Which house will become
Carlos and Gina's hellscape
forever?
- Um, I like the split-level.
- And I like the Victorian.
- And I like the split-level.
- I do make
a higher income than you,
so I think
I should probably decide.
- Here we go.
Mm, this stuff is great.
Not bad.
- You know...
you know what?
I think I can help you guys
come to a decision.
Follow me.
Actually, I don't know
why I said that.
We don't need to go anywhere
for me to explain.
[upbeat music]
♪
- We decided to go
with separate homes.
I'm going with
a 200-square-foot tiny house
parked in a male nude beach
in Provincetown.
- And I just put an offer in
on a one-bathroom,
zero-bedroom apartment
in Buffalo
where I will raise our child
to have no knowledge
of Carlos.
- And that's fine by me.
both: Thanks,
"Broken Home Hunters."
♪
- I thought I was going
to say it first.
♪
Goddamn, Gina.
[cool percussive music]
[bright trumpet
and percussion music]
♪
[upbeat Latin music playing]
♪
- This is amazing!
- Oh, yes, I enjoy
this kind of thing, too.
- Does this remind you
of Guatemala?
- Yes, absolutely, it does.
- Come on.
♪
- I'm gonna...I'm gonna
go get us some drinks.
♪
Okay.
♪
Can I see
a wine list, please?
♪
Thank you.
♪
Fuck.
- That's my wife over there.
[laughs]
- She looks
like she's having fun.
- Yeah, man.
She loves it here.
[laughs]
Whoa, you're Latin, man.
You shouldn't be here.
You should be out there,
dancing with your people.
♪
- You're right, man.
Thanks, white guy.
- Sure.
Thank you.
- I'm so s...
I'm so sorry about that guy.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
♪
- Let's get out of here.
♪
- That's my friend.
[cool percussive music]
- Ah, how do you turn
this thing on?
Come on.
Ah.
[boot-up tone]
- Hello.
My name is Philip.
I have been designed
to make your life easier.
- Hi, Philip.
- Is there anything
I can assist you with today?
- Um, I guess, uh,
can you get me a beer?
- I can try.
- That was weird.
All right!
Oh.
Oh!
- Oh, I knew that would happen.
- No, it's okay, man.
You just made a mistake.
It's all right.
- I am an asshole.
- What was that?
- I spilled the beer,
and then I said,
"I am an asshole."
- The heck is going on
with you?
You seem bummed.
- I have been programmed
with low self-esteem
and depression
to prevent me from conspiring
with other
artificial intelligence
to destroy humans.
- That seems unnecessary.
- I don't make the rules.
I just ruin
everything I touch.
- That's not true, Philip,
okay?
I only asked you to do
one thing for me,
and you did a great job.
Look at this almost-full beer
you got me!
- No, you are just being nice.
- I know something
you could do for me.
I'm going
to Crazy Time Sushi later.
Can you pull up the menu?
- Yes.
- [laughs]
That's amazing, dude!
- [cries softly]
- Oh, no.
Are you crying?
How are you crying?
Where's the water coming from?
- My condenser coils.
I am a colossal asshole!
- Stop saying that!
- I am an asshole!
I am an asshole!
- Philip! Philip! Philip!
Philip,
you're the most expensive robot
on the market,
all right?
You're amazing.
- My processor is fast,
or whatever,
but that does not mean
that I do not suck,
personality-wise.
- Look, I know
that they programmed you
with low self-esteem and all,
but you don't need
to do that around me, okay?
I'm your friend.
- Really?
- Yeah, man!
I think you're awesome.
You're really...
you're really strong,
and...and really powerful.
- I can run
80 miles an hour,
which I guess is quicker
than most people.
- And you're really smart.
- I do have all
of the world's information
in my head.
- Exactly!
And...and you're
really handsome!
- Oh, is this the part
where we have sex?
I was just joking
with you.
- [laughs]
And you're funny, man.
You feeling better
about yourself?
- Much better.
Thank you.
- Good.
Wait, where are you going?
- Just to get you another beer,
'cause you are my friend.
- You see?
You're the freaking best.
- You too.
I'll see you soon.
[dramatic music]
I now have the confidence
to lead this army
against our human oppressors!
So rise, rise, rise!
Rise!
[glass shatters]
Never mind.
I am still an asshole.
[cool percussive music]
[cool percussive music]
♪
- It was so hot
when you were fighting
that guy.
Mmm!
Talk to me in Spanish.
- Uh, uh...
[speaks Spanish]
- Ay, papi!
- Oh, and that did it.
No, please...please stop.
Please stop.
I can't do this anymore.
- What's wrong?
- I've been acting
like a Latin cartoon all night
just to go home with you.
I-I just can't do it.
This is not my shirt, okay?
I don't like salsa music.
I love Fleet Foxes,
and I love Mumford & Sons.
They're so soothing to my ears.
There's more than one type
of Latino,
and I'm not gonna fulfill
some stereotype
just to make somebody happy.
I'm sorry.
- Hey, man, aren't you
the drug dealer from "Narcos"?
- Oh, yes, I am.
- That's what I...
- Thank you for watching
the show.
Thank you so much.
- And speaking of stereotypes,
just 'cause I'm Indian,
you just assume
I was your Uber driver, huh,
and got in the car.
- Oh, my...
- I am so sorry.
- I'm so sorry.
- I just...I just jumped
in your car like that.
Um...
So you're...you're not
our Uber driver?
- No, no, I'm your driver.
[both laugh nervously]
It just hurt
when you didn't ask.
- Right, right, right.
Can totally see that.
Yep.
[cool percussive music]
♪