Alone (2015–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Triumph - full transcript

(Mitch)
Guys, I'm pretty sure
I just saw a cougar

about ten feet
from my front door.

Just me and you.

And you're a camera.

Right?

I'm all alone right now.

(Lucas)
I want to build
a whole new shelter.

It's imperative.

Then I can be warm
and cook my food

and have the rain off me.

That's huge.



(Alan)
Just kind of in a rut now,

so it's like,
"What's left to prove?"

You know?

I'd rather be home reading
a book to my kids right now.

(Sam)
Just started losing it.

At this point,
I just want to go home.

So sick of this place.

Sick.
Sick of it. Sick of it.

So sick of it.

(Brant)
This is gonna be a bitch.

(Chris)
We have to film it,
and we're totally alone.

(Dustin)
Nobody knows what it's like here

except for the ten guys out here
doing it.

Time to get shelter.



(Dustin)
There's nobody here but me.

(Lucas)
It's just so hard
doing this alone.

(Josh)
I'm scared to death right now.

(Alan)
I feel like I'm starving.

[wolf howls]

[animal growling]

(Mitch)
Pretty sure I just saw a cougar.

(Wayne)
Oh, [bleep].

(man)
The last man standing
wins $500,000.

I don't want to go home.
I want to win.

(Wayne)
This is the chance
in a lifetime,

but it's not worth dying over.

[dramatic music]

¶ ¶

Hello.

I haven't filmed anything
for a few days,

because life has just
been that bad here.

The weather's terrible.

My body is just kind of shot.

All I've done is laid still,

and...

when I stand up,
I feel dizzy.

I don't know what
I'm trying to adjust to--

if it's food or what.

But between the inactivity
and just being laid up,

there's been nothing
to talk about.

¶ ¶

Food is what's
on my mind right now.

Morale and psychology,
m'yeh.

They're there.

They fluctuate.

But the food thing...

been a bit lean
the past few days.

When I stand up, it's like--

[exhales]

[makes goofy noise]

I'm gonna have to go get
some hemlock bark at some point,

'cause I'm gonna need some kind
of starch or carbohydrate,

'cause it's just like--

my energy level has dropped

and I have to will myself
to pick my foot up to walk.

It's like,
"Move! Come on, move!

I know you can do it."

And you're sitting there,
and, like, "Oh!

There's a step."

So when you get that tired,

something's missing.

You cannot maintain
this kingdom of manhood,

this temple of testosterone,

on seaweed alone.

Can't be done.

I've been looking around
for slugs, anything, you know--

better food,

'cause I was starting
to feel the loop-dee-doos.

¶ ¶

Because of the tides,

I've not been able
to do anything about food.

I've not been able
to check my fish trap

because I know I need
to do some work on it.

I've not been able
to look at the gillnet.

I've not been able to do many
things that I need to do,

because the tides have all
been happening at nighttime.

It's been very, very hard on me.

Past four days
have really taken a toll.

Really have.

Not much ingestion
other than just run down,

get a handful of seaweed,
which, I mean, you know,

that's just something
in your stomach

to say, "Okay, don't die."

So, that's that.

And hopefully
I'll find something--

insects.

Slow-moving hikers.

Anything.

Stray dog.

Cat. Rat.

Wishing for a German
chocolate cake.

I'm gonna find some--hey--

when I get out of here,
I'm gonna find a German

and say, "Excuse me.

Could you
make me a cake, please?"

I couldn't help
but notice you were German.

I love what you've
done with the cake.

But, yeah, it's just--
it's that kind of deal,

and I'm wondering,
"How long do I want to do this?"

You know?
You start thinking about home.

You start thinking about--
just stuff.

I mean, I've done everything
I came out here to do

and feel like I've done it well,

but it's like, "How long
you want to keep going, bud?"

Like, "I don't know."

Just whenever.

I guess I'll know
when the time's right.

Whenever I say,
"Enough's enough,"

I'll sally forth.

Sashay. Saunter.

Gallop.

Frolic my way out of here.

So, that's where we are.

¶ ¶

[plucking stringed instrument]

¶ ¶

¶ Oh ¶

¶ Ah ¶

(Lucas voice-over)
Been out here
for about a month now.

I haven't gone too crazy,
or I already am.

¶ ¶

It doesn't sound like a long
time when I think about it,

'cause it's just one month,

but the reality is
is that it feels

like many different experiences.

¶ ¶

So many.

I've made, like,
two or three different shelters.

That thing that looks like
it's on fire in the background

is really just my smoky teepee.

Just a nice lean-to
with a flat top

that provides me a workspace,

a fire...

[rain falling]

(Lucas voice-over)
I built here [indistinct].

Got my boat operational.

Found clams.

Just trying to catch fish.

Built an instrument.

This has just been a wild ride.

You know, the isolation,

the not-steady diet,

the lack of full calories.

Not eating,
filming myself doing this all,

dragging around camera equipment

and building, making, doing.

Trying to stay warm.

Trying to stay healthy.

Trying not to get sick.

Trying to find medicine.

And then--

and then the working
with your past

and working with your present

and working with your future.

You know, my past is coming up.

It's already come up.

Still comes up.

My relationships
with people I used to have

and still have, and...

making peace with all of that.

You know, and...

making peace with being alone.

This has just been...

it's unlike anything
I've ever experienced.

I can't run away.

I can't stress that enough.

I have to look at my life.

I have to look
at how I feel about things.

I can't stuff the emotion away

with something else.

I can't stuff it away with food,

or with
another relationship, or...

with a phone
or with an internet

or with an activity.

I have to look at it.

And yesterday, I broke down.

I broke down and I wailed.

I wailed in the forest again.

Just--
[laughs]

And it's amazing,

'cause you can cry in the forest

and nobody can hear you,

and you can just,
"Rahhh!"

Let it out, man.

You can just yell.

You can just yell.

And I did for a little bit.

And most of the time,
I'm concerned about...

my prestige
or position in the world,

or getting ahead,
or being somebody.

Maybe it's 'cause I wasn't
really great at sports,

or I wasn't really
a great artist,

I wasn't really
a great musician,

and I really wasn't
great at anything.

¶ ¶

You know,
a lot of this, I think,

is just accepting who I am

at 32.

It's like a pre-midlife
crisis or something.

I don't know.

Damn it, I wish I was stronger.

I just don't know
if I got it in me.

[whimpers]

¶ ¶

[sniffles]

Oh.

[cries]

¶ ¶

(Sam)
None of the traps
were triggered last night.

I am so hungry,

and it's just wearing on me.

So today, I said I am going
to try to hunt something.

I'm gonna go ahead
and take the bow

into the enchanted
forest back here.

See if we can't
find ourself some squirrel.

When you bowhunt in Nebraska,

you get your bow,

and you set up on a deer trail,

and you wait
for the deer to come.

And when it gets
to 15 or 20 yards,

you shoot it.

On Vancouver Island,

I see nothing.

No little animals.

No medium-sized game,

like raccoons.

I haven't seen
a single porcupine.

There's nothing to get.

There's not even
any rabbits out here.

This is totally just a last
ditch effort to get some food.

I don't care if it's mouse

or if it's a worm.

I just want something edible.

If I don't eat,

I'm gonna die.

¶ ¶

What is that?

[dramatic music]

¶ ¶

(Sam voice-over)
I'm gonna go out and hunt.

¶ ¶

Find ourself some squirrel.

¶ ¶

What is that?

Just missed him.

Man.

This sucks.

¶ ¶

So...

I do have a mouse

that I caught
in the traps this morning.

So I'll eat that.

Other than that, though,

pretty hungry.

¶ ¶

Things are just going south

really, really fast.

[exhales]

¶ ¶

Dear Lord,
thank you for this day.

Thank you for the mice
you've blessed me with.

Help me to not feel down when
I do have failures out here,

and thank you
for every small success

that I've had out here, Lord.

¶ ¶

Amen.

(Alan)
It's at first light.

The wind is blowing

in such a way--

I would estimate 60,

maybe 65 miles an hour.

It's that intense.

You can hear the wind.

I'm gonna put on socks and boots

and walk down and just kind of
see where the tide's at here.

This is kind of
near first light.

So I just want to look
and see kind of where it is.

I might grab some seaweed.
I'm pretty hungry.

And if it's low enough
and something's in the gillnet,

I'll cut it up
and throw it in the pot

or--just anything
I can find, really,

'cause it looks like I'm
gonna be laid in again today,

because this weather
is pretty foul.

Not gonna take
my pot or my knife,

'cause I got
rainwater in the pot

that has collected overnight.

I've got to funnel it
into my gallon.

[groans]

My feet feel numb.

The pins and needles.
Achy, but kind of numb.

Yeah, the gillnet's not gonna be
where I can get to it anyway.

There's a lot
of chop on the water.

Wasn't even worth
getting out here, really,

but I felt like
I needed to come look.

So, at first light,

the gillnet is,
like, half exposed.

So, in the next
two to three days,

it'll be optimal
to come out at first light

and check the gillnet,

and I can start feeding again,

'cause I'm not very well
nourished right now,

just to be honest with you.

I've not--

[sighs]
I've not eaten,

past couple of days,
like I need to.

It's been very minimal.

Just enough to stay alive.

Just some seaweed, you know?

Couple limpets here and there.

So I'm gonna come down here
and get some seaweed,

'cause I've got to keep going.

I can't just totally
neglect my nutrition.

I feel like I'm starving.

Hey, here's some...

here's some bull kelp.

Yeah.

Better look at this up close.

It's got some
fungus growing on it.

But I'm gonna wash it off
and go for it anyway.

It's not too bad.

¶ ¶

Yeah. It's not bad.

¶ ¶

It's nutrition, anyway.

¶ ¶

Now I'm gonna go
for some bladder wrack.

¶ ¶

Then I'm gonna go lay back in.

'Cause this weather
is not the kind of weather

you want to be out in.

¶ ¶

All right.
Back to bed.

Back in the house I go.

¶ ¶

[Lucas singing melody]

¶ ¶

(Lucas voice-over)
At first,
I really wanted to win,

because I didn't want
to look like a failure,

and that was like
my own personal battle

with insecurity.

Just being insecure
and being worried

about what people think of me.

Now I'm over it.

I've done some
cool stuff out here

that I'm proud of--

that I'm proud of--

and hopefully my family
and friends are proud of.

¶ ¶

When you start worrying about

how good you are
compared to other people,

you'll never win.

You'll never win at anything.

¶ ¶

Being here gave me
the opportunity

to reflect upon my life

in a way that I've never had
a chance to reflect upon it.

I realize that for me, there's
something bigger going on here.

Something bigger going on
that wasn't about the money.

Wasn't about the pride.

Wasn't about being number one.

¶ ¶

Okay.

There's a point
where you just got to go.

[dramatic music]

¶ ¶

[rain falling]

All right.
Let's do this.

¶ ¶

All right.

I'm making the call.

It's time.

I'm done.

¶ ¶

You know, I was trying to win,

and I let that go.

¶ ¶

I came in here
with two intentions:

to see if I could win,

and I also came
in here to experience

being alone in the wilderness

and to see what I could do

and see what it'd be like.

And what I found was incredible.

It wasn't just
the physical stuff--

make a shelter,

and put up fish lines,

and find water and boil it.

There was a lot of stuff inside

that came out.

I started to find pieces of me

that I'd never
yet shook hands with.

[whistling]

Little pieces of me
that I didn't want to look at

because they were painful.

And it was hard.

I came in here to see
how far I could go,

and I don't want
to push myself past a point

that I can't come back out of.

[whistling]

I'm tapping out,

because there was a story in me
that needed to be written.

This chapter's done,

and there's another
chapter coming up.

¶ ¶

Those feelings, and that
rawness I touched out here--

that vulnerability--

like, that compassion--

I'm gonna see
if I can take it with me.

I'm going back
with a different sense of me.

A different sense of who I am.

I can't wait.

¶ ¶

(Mitch)
Check out what I just found.

I just found a dead sea otter.

Move all the seaweed.

¶ ¶

You know,
the natives in this area

used to highly
prize their pelts.

Wow, man.

His hide might be salvageable.

That'd be pretty cool.

Nice project to work on.

I'd love to have
a sea otter hide back home.

¶ ¶

My biggest fear is not
connecting with the land.

Not having a relationship
with the land.

Not communicating with it.

The land not
communicating with me.

Because when you go to a place,

they have feelings.

You know?

Some places feel sacred.

Some places feel sterile.

¶ ¶

Sometimes the land
just rejects you.

The person perishes.

Their boat sinks.

Their dogsled team dies.

Everything happens,

and, like, they die.

If, like,
you keep wandering places

and not finding what you need,

it's like the land
doesn't want you there.

Okay.

[exhales]

That was a brutal job.

¶ ¶

It's completely dark right now,

and I had to kind of
hack and pack it.

There's my sea otter hide.

¶ ¶

Oh, that's amazing.

What a gift.

¶ ¶

(Sam)
I'm definitely losing it.

Not good mentally.

I am not good
in the head right now.

¶ ¶

Man.

I just--I'm not used
to feeling this way.

I'm not used to feeling this...

This helpless.

¶ ¶

I've never had
this feeling before.

It's like every time
I'm in the woods,

I'm really happy, but...

¶ ¶

Now, just, how crazy
this whole thing has been

and how difficult it is,

and the fact that I'm
just so isolated out here

and that I...

I just want
to speak to my wife,

and I just want to...

I just want a little
taste of comfort.

You know, not a--
I'm not asking for much.

Just, like, a little--

just something, you know?

Like...

Man.

I'm just getting the crap
beat out of me out here.

It's not something
I can sustain.

¶ ¶

Man.

¶ ¶

There's no way to experience
how tough this is

unless you've actually been
in a situation like this.

Or done this before.

There's no way to explain it.

¶ ¶

It's like your heart's
just getting pounded on.

And you're just
hungry all the time.

All day, you're just hungry.

You just want
a little something to eat.

Even, like, a...

like a handful
of just plain flour

I'd take right now.

Just, like, a little something.

Something like an orange
just sounds luxurious.

You just want something.

Something to eat
to get you calories

so that you can
just feel better, but...

There's nothing there for you.

¶ ¶

I just want something.

[dramatic music]

¶ ¶

(Alan)
All right.

I got suited up.
I got my pot.

I got the fire started,

and I put enough on there
to hopefully keep it going

while I'm gone.

But I went down,

and I was looking kind of
around the gillnet area,

and I saw the gillnet
pop a couple times,

the top line,

which tells me
something's probably in it.

So whatever that takes,

I got to get one meal in.

One meal better than no meal.

¶ ¶

There is one dogfish.

My net was moving for a reason.

Not too shabby.

Not too shabby
of a meal right there.

Two nice fish.

Lot of good vegetables.

Limpets. Mussels.

We're just gonna cap it off

and take that puppy to camp.

And it did start raining,

but now it's backed off again,

so I'm glad I did it.

I hope my fire's still lit.

All I got to do
is bring this to a boil,

and then I'm eating.

Be interested to see
what's happening with the fire.

Yeah. Gone.

Daggum, that fire is gone.

Full, raging fire...

[blowing]

And that's all
that's left--coals.

Walk down to the beach,
come back, it's gone.

That's how fast
this stuff burns.

¶ ¶

I'm running out of time,

but just real quick,
I'll show you.

See, I put those
curly pieces on there.

And when you stoke 'em...

[blowing]

They just come
right back to life.

That's how you
recover your fire.

¶ ¶

See what we got.

Got that going.

¶ ¶

Now I'm just getting
pieces like that,

and I'm setting them in there.

Trying to keep it alive.

Keep it going.

[blowing]

Everything
is a constant struggle.

And with the weather,
I've just had to lay in.

It's been really challenging.

It's like, "Wait. Wait.

Now! Run! Go, get it!"

And you got a hour
to do all these things--

fire, food, clean up, get water,

come back, get it boiling.

Mmm.

Jackpot.

Yeah, these aren't the best
tasting fish in the world,

but...

I'm blessed to have 'em.

'Cause somewhere
in the world right now,

there's somebody
that would give anything

if they could have this meal.

And here comes the rain.

[rain falling]

Well, I'll tell you, this place
here will keep you hopping.

Please let that rain hold off.

Give me ten minutes.

¶ ¶

Not gonna happen.

¶ ¶

Oh, well.

I've been wet before.

¶ ¶

Now it's starting
to feel like a storm.

¶ ¶

I got to eat what's left
of this chow with a quickness.

¶ ¶

This is, without a doubt,

some of the worst weather
I've ever lived through.

This place just--ugh.

It changes...

so rapidly.

And sometimes,
it'll toy with you, you know?

It'll look like
it's about to rain,

and it won't.

And then you're looking,
thinking,

"Okay, well, I need to do this,

so I'm gonna get up,"

and by the time
you stick a toe out the door,

"Phew!" Rain.
And then a blizzard.

It's just--wow.

Who can keep up?

[rain falling]

¶ ¶

So, I got up at 10:00 today.

Beautiful.

Perfect day.

Ready to take on the world, man.

You know, this is good.

You know, I'm, like,
putting my microphone on

and doing everything
I have to do to film,

and I was gonna
do my intro for the day,

and then I was like...

"No.

I don't want to do
my intro right now."

Just not feeling good
all of a sudden.

¶ ¶

It's amazing...

How quick your
emotions can turn.

¶ ¶

Before I left,

my mom became really sick.

¶ ¶

She was diagnosed with cancer.

¶ ¶

Brain cancer.

¶ ¶

She knew she might not
be there when I get back.

She told me to keep going

if I was here when it happened.

¶ ¶

She made me promise I'd stay.

I don't know if I can do that.

¶ ¶

(Mitch voice-over)
I think tomorrow is,
like, Thanksgiving.

You know?

But I don't know
if she's gonna be there

when I get back.

'Cause the doctor said

the cancer was very bad.

Prognosis was very short.

¶ ¶

I could lose what time
I have left with her.

I just think maybe
I'm making a mistake.

And I just keep thinking
about how fast it happened.

¶ ¶

I'm not ready to lose my mom.

¶ ¶

I'm just not ready
to lose my mom.

¶ ¶

And the longer I stay here,

it's like more time
away from her,

and I don't get it.

[dramatic music]

¶ ¶

(Alan)
I am so over it.

The weather--
mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.

There's snow on the ground,
and now it's raining.

So, now we have the combination
of frigid cold and raining.

It's just--wow.

So, I'll be laying here today,
in the bed.

I can't think of any good reason
to get up and get out there.

Just in the time that it takes
me to get out of bed

and go to the door
of my shelter to urinate,

my hands just--choo!--
tighten up.

The skin on 'em,
you know, it just--

it's penetrating.

Cold and moisture combined.

So I won't be doing anything
until the weather changes.

I have water laid in,

and that's all
I really need today,

is to lay here
and hydrate, so--

the psychology part
is really kicking in.

I'm really thinking to myself,

"Okay, well,
what are you doing here?

What more is there to do?"
You know?

"You can live here.

"You've came.

"You've done.

"Now--what?
Now what?

Who are you doing
any good out here?"

You know?
I'm not helping anybody.

Not doing anything.

I'm just...

just doing survival stuff,

which I already know I can do,

so it's like,

"Hmm."

Yeah, you start
to think about that.

¶ ¶

(Mitch)
[takes deep breath]

[exhales]

I have a lot of anxiety

not knowing if my mom is okay.

And it just hit me really hard
when I was splitting wood.

It just...

just stopped me
dead in my tracks.

It just, like, took my breath.

I couldn't...

I couldn't pick up my ax
for another swing.

I just couldn't do it.

I still haven't done it.
My ax is still laying there.

¶ ¶

How is she doing?
I have no idea.

Is she back in the hospital?

I have no idea.

Like, how did
those treatments go?

I have no idea.

Made me promise I'd stay.

And not go back home.

I don't know if I can do that.

¶ ¶

I mean, the cancer's
in her brain.

¶ ¶

They said it can't be beaten.

She had,

like, up to a year prognosis.

Maybe even a couple more months,

the doctor said.

She's probably doing fine.

¶ ¶

But, you know.

Sudden things can happen.

You know,
her getting sick was sudden.

It was instant.

It was like, "Mom's fine."

Like, nobody knew nothing.

"Mom's 100%,"

and all of a sudden,
it was like,

Mom gets rushed to the hospital.

Something's very wrong.

¶ ¶

And I remember talking to her...

When they were wheeling her
out of the ambulance

towards
the emergency room doors.

¶ ¶

That was tough.

¶ ¶

Even if she's 100% right now...

Everything's not fine.

¶ ¶

I don't know.

I really don't know
why I'm here.

[dramatic music]

¶ ¶

I have a lot of anxiety

not knowing if my mom is okay.

How is she doing?
I have no idea.

I don't know.

I really don't
know why I'm here.

I'm just trading

more time

at home

for time here.

And it's just--

it just seems wrong.

I can sit here
and keep living off the land.

It's like,
I can just keep doing that.

And--for what?

For more enjoyment?

For more money?

¶ ¶

No.

No.

¶ ¶

I'm her son.

It's my mother.

¶ ¶

And I know in my heart...

I need to go see her.

I'm done.

I want to go home.

¶ ¶

I need to see my mom, man.

You know?

And I know it.

So, when you know these things,

you know these things.

Period.

¶ ¶

When you think
for as long as I have,

out here in the woods,
alone,

for this many days,

it changes you.

I mean, it changes you.

I am not the same person.

I just can't wait
to get back home

to make people's lives better.

To make people happy.

To take the weight
off of people's shoulders.

To lighten their step.

I can't wait to do that.

¶ ¶

[rain falling]

(Alan voice-over)
The frustration is kind of
kicking in a little bit.

I'm getting a little more--
just cranky, I guess.

¶ ¶

(Sam)
You just get to the point
where you're--

[exhales]

You just...

Don't want to be
out here anymore.

(Alan)
I set my mind
to come in here and survive,

and do this thing,

and that's what I'm doing.

And part of me's like, "Man,

how long do you want to do it?"

You know?

You're sick of it.
You're sick of it raining.

You're sick of the wind
just pounding on your shelter.

I'm just sick of it all.

¶ ¶

Ugh. This place, you know.

Uh, starting to hate it.

I could make a phone call
right now...

And say, "Hey,

I'm tapping out.
I'm done with this."

This is just not fun anymore.

(Alan)
I'm ready to go home.

I guess what I'm waiting on

is to hit a wall.

To just kind of
come to a point--

either, I don't know,

physically, mentally,
or whatever--

to where I just--

"I'm done."

I really, really want
to just get out of here and...

¶ ¶

Get warm and get dry.

And get food.

And talk to my family.

So I guess I'm gonna
just keep driving on

until I can't drive on.

You know?

I'm not real big
into quitting, anyway.

Most things that I do,
I don't quit at,

I just...

get it done.

(Sam)
This is not good right now.

¶ ¶

But you know what?

That doesn't matter,
because sometimes...

Like, sometimes in your life,

you're just gonna want to quit.

Things aren't gonna
just be happy.

It's not always just
gonna be sunshine and roses

every single day.

Bad things are gonna happen.

So even though I might want

to just go be
comfortable right now,

absolutely no part of me
is tapping out.

That's a fact.

They'll either
come and get me one day

and say, "Okay, you're done.
You can stop now."

Or they'll medevac me
out of here.

I just don't
believe in quitting.

I don't--
I just don't quit.

Absolutely no quit in me.

I'm a tough Nebraska dude.

¶ ¶

I'm not quitting.

I'm not giving up.

I'm staying here
no matter what.

(Alan voice-over)
When you don't have any food,

you just kind of--

it's like you're walking
in a mental fog.

(Sam)
Wow.

Shoot, I look really bad.

(Sam)
It just keeps
getting worse and worse.

This is bad.

(Alan)
Weather has just been terrible.

It's been high winds,
hurricane force.

I haven't taped anything
in three days

'cause there's nothing to tape
other than me just sitting here.

(Sam)
This is the toughest thing
I've ever had to do in my life.

This place has just
beaten the crap out of me.

(Alan)
I still honestly
don't know how long I have.

I can just go home.