Almost Royal (2014–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Los Angeles - full transcript

I... I think the first thing
I want to make clear

is that it was an accident.

Uh, basically, what happened
is that our father,

Sir George Carlton,
uh, shot himself.

Yeah, in the face.

Yeah, uh, it was an accident.

He was out shooting on our
estate on Caunty Manor,

and his bullet ricocheted off
a health and safety sign

about gun safety
that the council
had made him put up.

Really was a terrible waste.

Of a life.



And a sign.

Yeah. Really, really sad.

Uh, so, that's... That's why
we've come to America.

To move on and to
mingle with the natives.

It's going to be a little bit
like Downton Abbey.

Yeah, exactly, that's true,

it's going to be a bit like
Downton Abbey.

We're a bit like we're from
Downton Abbey,

-except we're not snobs!
-Yeah. No.

No, we're very down-to-earth.

NARRATOR: This is
Georgie and Poppy Carlton.

POPPY: Everybody's taking
pictures of us.

GEORGIE: Georgie Carlton.
Lovely to meet you.

NARRATOR: They are
aristocratic siblings,



50th and 51st in line
to the English throne.

GEORGIE: The British
are coming

and they're looking for
a man called Derek.

How do you do?
Have you travelled far?

It was their father's
dying wish

that his children make
a royal tour

of the United States
of America...

GEORGIE:
Very exciting, Father.

...a country he loved...

GEORGIE:
Die, you American scum!

...in order to expand
their horizons...

Are you familiar with
hard work?

-GEORGIE: Yes, I'm familiar
with the concept.
-No.

...interact with
real Americans...

What made you want
to become a cowboy, Jay?

Was it Toy Story 2 or 3?

(HORSE WHINNYING)

...learn about
their culture...

(CHEERING)

...and give something back...

I hope I don't do a
grande shitay in these tights.

That did not go down well.

...to the land of the free
and the home of the brave.

Very exciting.
About to go into battle.

Oh, God!

-One, two, three...
-God save the Queen!

Thank you so much
for having us.

Welcome to Hollywood.
You have arrived.

NARRATOR: Poppy and Georgie

are in the entertainment
capital of the world,

Los Angeles.

And in LA, everybody drives.

So the first thing on
our royals' agenda

is to hire themselves a car.

Who makes this?

It's a British company.

-Good, good, good, that's
the sort of thing we're after.
-Yep.

In England we would call
this bit a wing mirror.

All right, we call it
a side-view mirror here.

-In England we would call this
the headlight.
-Yep.

-Same as...
-Same as that one.

Those are wheels?

Yup, wheels.

Have you ever seen anyone
do a wheelie in a car?

-I have not actually.
-Sounds a bit rude.

Never seen it in person.
Only seen videos of it.

Just go to the loo
before you drive off.

No. No.

Where does this car go?

Um, what do you mean,
like, around...

What sort of places?

Wherever you like.
Wherever you want to go.

POPPY: Oh, my gosh.

So, yeah, you want
to pull the top lever there.

Throw it into "D" for drive.

"D" for drive.

"D" would be for Derek
in England.

Uh, Derek? What...
How does that
relate to driving?

My friend Derek's got a car.

Oh, okay.

-GEORGIE: Oh!
-Just like that.

In England
we would call this
going for a little drive.

Going for a little drive,
that's what you're doing.

-GEORGIE: I've had a crash.
-(HONKING)

You want to put it...
Put it in reverse.

-GEORGIE: How do we do that?
-"R."

Kind of like Ryan,
but for reverse.

GEORGIE: Oh, that's nice.

I mean, people in LA,
they drive very aggressively.

They'll honk the horn at you.

There's a lot of horses

-that just wander in
the road where we live.
-Yeah.

And if you hit a horse
at the speed I was going

it would be a write-off.

I don't think you'll encounter
many horses around here.

A lot of other cars.
A lot of people walking
across the street...

-Actors.
-A lot of actors, yeah.

How fast would you have
to drive to kill an actor?

(LAUGHS)

You probably want to be going
at least 30 or 40,

but I wouldn't...
I wouldn't advise it.

How fast was I going then?

About one.

So I could kill
a child actor?

NARRATOR: After an
introduction to motoring
in California,

Poppy and Georgie get out on
the open road.

GEORGIE: Hello.
How do you do?

Georgie and Poppy Carlton.

Lovely to be here.

NARRATOR:
For their first engagement,

Poppy and Georgie are going to
meet a real Hollywood royal

and observe him at work
amongst his fans.

Wait till you see him.
He's so dishy.

Is he disheroonie?

He's a dishy, older,
foreign-looking man,

and who likes, dishy, older,
foreign-looking men?

-Mummy!
-Mummy loves them.

Hi, Fabio, Georgie Carlton.

-Georgie!
-Lovely to meet you.
This is my sister, Poppy.

-Hello. How do you do?
-Very good, very good.

GEORGIE: So, are these all
your different products?

Yep, you see it's very simple,

every single scientist in
the world will tell you that

your body regenerates
because of protein.

What's the highest quality
protein in mother nature?

Whey. What is whey?

I don't know what whey is.

Whey is the serum
of fresh raw milk.

GEORGIE: No way!
FABIO: Yeah. Yeah.

Yes, whey. (LAUGHS)

It's the only whey.

Georgie, I was just thinking.

That's a good one.

Love puns. So clever.

It's proved scientifically.
It regenerate your
hair faster,

-regenerate your...
-Ear?

Yeah, because every single
cell in your body...

-GEORGIE: Which one?
-Your organs, your muscle.

POPPY: Which ear? Sorry.

Every hair.

-Every single hair.
-Oh, hair!

-I thought you said ear.
-No, no, no, no... Hair, hair.

Is that why you've
got such lovely hair?

I'm telling you,
composition of hair is
minerals and protein.

Until they're in your stomach,
they're still called protein.

When the protein goes into
your liver...

You know a lot about science.

Yes, I love that stuff.

-When the protein...
-I preferred French.

-You do?
-Yeah, I didn't really get on
with science very much.

-I didn't like the teachers.
-Oh, I love science.

-Really?
-You know, love science, math.

So, when the protein, they go
from your stomach to your...

-What's 10 plus two?
-(LAUGHS) Twelve.

-Very good.
-Really good.

And what happen is,
like, when the...

Five times six.

-When the liver... Thirty.
-Very good.

When the liver, when the liver
transform the protein...

Three hundred minus one.

(CHUCKLES)
Two-ninety-nine.

Good!
We nearly got you there.
I can tell.

There are like eight...

-They're called the essential
amino acids...
-Okay.

NARRATOR: After Fabio's
lengthy master-class
in whey science,

Poppy and Georgie
agree to lend his brand

their royal seal of approval.

-Do you know Fabio?
-Yes.

Yeah, this is
his protein here.

-That's Fabio.
-Yeah, I know.

Anybody, would you like
some protein?

Yeah, is it vegan?

Yeah.

Any dairy products?
Any animal products?

Probably not.

You have to be, you know,
more aggressive.

Do you want some of this?

That was aggressive,
and he didn't buy any.

Should have punched him
in the face with it.

GEORGIE: It's a different pace
in Norfolk.

It's a different sort of pace,

but you'd be very welcome
to come back and visit
if you'd like.

-Sure.
-Mother would really,
really like you.

She needs a little bit more
activity in her life

and you're the sort of chap
to give it to her, I think.

Uh, yes.
It's an open invitation?

-POPPY: Yeah.
-Okay.

It's been a while for her,

so you might need
a few pots of that.

NARRATOR:
In an attempt to understand

the celebrity culture in LA,

our royal siblings are taking
a tour of movie stars' homes.

(CAR HONKING)

MAN: She just
flipped everyone off.

Welcome to LA.

Does anyone famous
live on this road?

So, this is actually
where Michael Jackson

died of a drug overdose.

-The singer?
-Oh, no! When?

-The singer.
-The king of pop.

At some point the doctor
claimed that he said,

"You can't have any more,
you know, it's addictive."

GEORGIE: I heard about...
Actually, was that...

Was it Dr Phil?

No... No, it wasn't Dr Phil.

-Dr Phil isn't
that kind of doctor.
-Oh.

This right here...

This is the Pink Palace.

The Pink Palace
is the name of a nightclub

our Uncle Humphrey
used to go to

before he was
banned from the family.

Uh-oh! That sounds like
a good story.

Yeah. Now he's called
Moonbeam and he lives in Goa.

Do you have anything
from the 16th century?

Playboy Mansion looks
very 16th century.

Is the Playboy Mansion

where that old man
lives with his daughters?

That is... That's very true.

Except they're not
his daughters.

They're his, uh, friends.

Sometimes with benefits.

Me and Georgie are friends
with benefits, aren't we?

Yeah, we're friends and we're
brothers and sisters.

Yeah.
You're not friends with...

We are.

-With benefits.
-BOTH: We are.

So, this is a great, uh, spot.

We can take a little rest
for a second.

This, uh,
men's room right here.

GEORGIE: Yeah?

One of your countrymen
became overly
familiar with it.

Either Sir or regular
George Michael...

He's not a sir.

...was busted here for, um...

I guess we should just
phrase it this way,

inappropriate behaviour.

-What did he do?
-Did he not wipe properly?

Actually, I think he met
one of the...

Probably met someone,
another gentleman

that became
somewhat of a friend
with, uh, benefits.

Like me and Georgie?

We're friends with benefits.

No, you two are not
friends with benefits.

Please stop saying that.

You can't run around America
saying you're

friends with benefits
and brothers and sisters.

-GEORGIE: But we're friends
and brothers and sister.
-No.

I actually need the toilet.

If any... If you hear
any funny sounds,

-send a policeman in
or something.
-Okay.

There's someone in there.

You guys have to stop
that friends with benefits.

But we are.
We get on really...

-You're not.
-We're really close.
We're really close.

-You're not that close.
-We are.

GEORGIE: It's very beautiful
if you like a lot of shops.

POPPY: Lots and lots of
shops and cars.

And men in white trousers,
which is fine.

It's a lifestyle choice.

NARRATOR: Keen to understand
the acting business in LA,

Poppy and Georgie have
an appointment

with a Hollywood agent.

I'll tell you honestly,
I do see a lot of, um...

I do meet a lot of
British actors.

For some reason,
there is almost like

an anglophile thing happening
in Hollywood recently

where a lot of British shows,
a lot of shows that are

based with British characters
and European characters.

And quite often
the breakdown will say,

"Authentic British accent."
Like, they don't want

an American actor who just
does a British accent well.

-What if it's really good
like Dick Van Dyke?
-Dick Van Dyke?

Um, yeah,
if it's Dick Van Dyke,

I suppose he could probably
pull it off, right?

I wanted to know what sort of
people you... You represent.

Any big
Hollywood actors? Like...

Poppy's quite interested in...

-Rick Moranis.
-Do you know Rick Moranis?

Not personally.
Anybody else you like?

-Um...
-The Rock. I like The Rock.

A matter of fact, I have met
Dwayne Johnson before.

-He's a...
He's a fabulous person.
-Who's that?

(STAMMERING) Actually,
that's his full name.

-The Rock's full name, yeah.
-Oh.

I always thought "The Rock"
was a funny name.

Yeah... (CHUCKLES)

Do you have any gossip
from Hollywood?

You know, people
in the industry
don't really gossip.

Is it true Elton John's gay?

Uh, I personally don't know,
but my guess is...

Your guess would be
as good as mine.

You know, people's sexuality
doesn't enter into,

you know, what they do
or how they work
in this town.

Sometimes it means they're
better at the piano, though.

Do you know of any films
coming up that we'd
be good in?

(EXHALES)

If I do, you know,
I've got your...

I've got your number,
and I'll call you.

GEORGIE: Hello, Los Angeles!

NARRATOR: Curious
to find out more about

the practise of
plastic surgery

and why it's so popular
in Hollywood,

Poppy and Georgie have
accepted an invitation

to visit a well-known surgeon
at his busy clinic.

DR STEVENS: So here we are
in Marina del Rey.

I've been here for
just under 30 years
doing plastic surgery...

You're over 30?

I just celebrated my 60th
birthday on November 13th.

BOTH: Wow.

You look a lot younger.

You look
a lot younger than that.

Well, that maybe
explains why I have
a 37-year-old girlfriend.

Does she look seven?

(CHUCKLES)

No, no, she looks
her appropriate age.
Well, thank you very much.

In fact, myself, on Friday,

I had something called
a Fraxel laser.

That's why my skin's a little
redder than normal.

So, we're going to talk about
plastic surgery.

And when you think of surgery
you probably think of

breast augmentation
or liposuction.

Breasts come to mind
straight away, yeah.

POPPY: Yeah, Georgie always...

-Can I touch it?
-Yes, I'm going to
let you hold it.

-And it would be like this.
-Georgie,
don't get too excited.

So, it feels soft
like a breast.

Does it?

Some women come in
and they'll ask to have that

placed in their chest just to
have larger breasts.

This looks like
a big jelly tot.

Nanny's were much longer
and they went
really far south,

so it was more like
these three in a row.

GEORGIE: Yeah, like that.

Do you do any that do milk?

No.

How far...
How far would you go?

Do you say...
Do you ever say no?

There are certain things
we can do

to make people look
more like another person,

but then there are certain
things we can't.

Well, we certainly don't
make people shorter.

Can you not do that?

No, that's not appropriate.

Do you think one day...
One day you'll be able
to do that?

I don't think there's
any ethical reason
to make people shorter.

-Something called
body dysmorphic disease.
-So, if someone

came in and asked for one...
Like, one black hand,
or something like that?

Well, we would
never do that.

-POPPY: You don't?
-For high-fiving
or something.

No, we would never do that,
and there's other things...

-POPPY: You don't do
skin colour?
-No.

Could you make me look
less like my mother?

Perhaps. I would need to see
a picture of your mother,

and then we would
have to agree

what attributes
make you look the same.

We wouldn't want to alter them
in such a way

that would make you look
less attractive.

-No.
-I want to look 10 out of 10.

-Mother's only a maybe
a 7.5 out of 10.
-That's generous.

You better be careful.
She may see this one day.

Did you just
wink at me, or is...

Have you...
Is it from the peel?
The chemical?

No, I winked at you.
I said you mustn't say that...

I wouldn't say that
about my mother.

But we have lasers
that remove hair.

We have lasers that remove
red spots.

-That's quite a traditional
look in our family...
-Uh-huh.

...is to have all the red,

from whisky and all that
sort of thing.

Quite red across the eyes.

And this can be minimised
non-surgically,
with little or no down time.

Could you minimise it and stop
Mummy from drinking?

I don't have that skill set.

She would need to, you know,
seek a professional for that.

Are there any celebrities
who've had any
plastic surgery?

Of course, this is Hollywood,
many, many...

And they walk
right in this door.

-Like who?
-Have you done
any celebrities?

I couldn't possibly tell you.

If I list some celebrities,
will you wink if...

No. That's part of my job.
Absolute confidentiality.

Rick Moranis.

As I said, you can't
get me to wink.

You're not going to get me
to tell you anything.

The Rock.

Kate Middleton.

If she had had surgery,
she'd probably look
better than she does.

Yeah.

So, do you think you still
might make it

as a heart surgeon?

Nice to have a little
souvenir as well.

Yeah, a fun little booby.

Yeah. You can pretend like
you're a fancy pizza chef.

Dr Grant looked
like a frozen cat.

Yeah, he did look like that.
I thought I had just
upset him.

(BURPS)
Stress wind, sorry.

I'm not used to driving
in America.

GEORGIE: Whoa!
That's very good.

Bravo.

I feel like a robot with
all of this on.

Oh. No.
They're not coming back.
They're not coming back.

INSTRUCTOR: Okay,
pivot on the front...
The balls of your feet.

It's not the balls of my feet
I'm worried about.

POPPY: Look at me squat!

GEORGIE: Very good, Poppy!

I'm like Nanny
and we're going on a walk.

GEORGIE: Yeah!

Oh, my gosh, look at you!

Can you see him as well?

I've seen loads of him.

NARRATOR:
For Poppy and Georgie's
final stop in Los Angeles,

they are visiting the set of
long-running US soap opera

The Bold and the Beautiful,

where their guide will be star
of the show, Kim Matula.

Hi! I'm Kim.

Hello, I'm Georgie,
lovely to meet you.

Hi, it's so great
to meet you as well.

-How do you do?
-I'm great.

-GEORGIE: Good.
-Welcome to Los Angeles.

-Thank you very much.
-And The Bold
and the Beautiful.

I've never... I've never
been to the UK, actually.

-GEORGIE: You should.
-No, I've never been
to England,

which is really upsetting
because I would love
to go there.

-You should go.
-Well, just to hear you...

-We have acting there, too.
-Good, good.

-Our mother does
a lot of acting.
-Yeah?

Where we're from in Thetford,

-they have, like,
an amateur dramatic society.
-Oh, cool!

-Yeah, she loves it.
-Thetford County Players?

GEORGIE: Do you know?

-I don't. I don't.
-They're really good.

They write their own musicals.

They did
Cool Runnings: The Musical.

Really? Oh, my gosh!

I didn't even know there was
a Cool Runnings musical.

GEORGIE: Well,
they wrote it themselves.

Like, Cool Runnings,
the bobsled?

-Yeah, yeah.
They wrote it themselves.
-Wow.

-She was brilliant.
-She was the lucky egg.

That's really fun.

I would love to have
been able to see that.

KIM: I have to go through,
you know,

all my touch-ups
and make sure that

my makeup and my hair
are good.

-What's your touch-ups?
-That's not on in England
in the workplace.

Touching up in England
means something...

What does that mean
in England?

-It's really rude.
It's a boarding school thing.
-Bad touching.

Like you should really
lock the door

-of your dormitory...
-Oh, no!

...if the PE teacher
is around.

So, do you have to do
lots of different emotions?

How many can you do?

(LAUGHS) All of them.

I'm an actor.
Give me an emotion.

Yeah, I can look upset.

That's good.

-Like, I just look like...
-Yeah.

And then if I wanted
to get angry,
it would be like...

-Angry.
-Okay.

You have angry eyes.
That's good.

And then if I forgave you,
I would just...

Do you ever have to
slap someone?

I have!

How would you do it?

-I would come over and I'd get
really close to you.
-Yeah.

Like here, and you'd
have to react to that.

Okay, should I say something?
What should I say
to make you...

Say something mean to me.

I don't much like
the cut of your gib.

(GASPS) I don't know
what that means! (GRUNTS)

It wasn't quick enough.

Little late reaction.
All right, let's try it again.

Okay, say something mean.

Oh, dear,
there's a horrible whiff

coming from over
in your direction.

Oh, no! (GRUNTS)

There it was. That was great.

-And then I'll do angry.
-Yes. (GASPS)

NARRATOR: After showing
her emotional range
to actress Kim,

Poppy and Georgie
get a royal walkabout on set
during filming.

(BELL RINGING)

GEORGIE: Is that
the stage manager again?

-That's our director.
-Oh, okay.

Yeah, our director is in
a booth in the back.

Have you ever
met her, or is it like...

- ...The Wizard of Oz?
-God?

WOMAN: So, guys,
we're going to go
from the kiss.

Finish rehearsal
from the kiss.

Is this set
in a different world?

No, it's set in Beverly Hills.

GEORGIE: Oh, okay...

-Are they boyfriend and
girlfriend in real life?
-No.

GEORGIE: I'd be so angry
if I was his wife.

You know, it's one of those
things where you have to know

that it's acting, it's fake.

GEORGIE: Sometimes a chap
can't help himself,
though, if...

That's true, jealousy's
a very natural feeling.

'Cause if you're kissing
someone, and even if it's
just a joke,

then sometimes your body
acts like it's for real

and it wants to make a baby.

I don't know, they might have
to tape something down.

You know, I once acted...

-Have a hat.
-Have a hat over it, yeah.

Or a folder. That's what I do
during French.

You'd be surprised.

Poppy Carlton?

Hi!

NARRATOR:
After a tour of the set,

Poppy is keen to demonstrate
her acting ability

to casting director Christy.

Okay, want to give it a whirl?

-Yeah.
-Okay, breathe.

-Don't forget to breathe,
it's important.
-I'm nervous!

(LAUGHS) Okay.

"Where did you get
this fear of abandonment?"

-"What?"
-"Since I will be
a successful young person

"when I take over Forrester,

"make fun of me if you want.
It's going to happen."

"No, it wouldn't occur to me
to make fun of you."

"I knew you were
going to like me.

"I just knew."

All right, very nice.
Thank you. Now...

GEORGIE: Very good.

Wait, I want to talk to you,
give you a few notes here.

-You were very good as well.
-Oh, thank you!
Been doing it a long time.

-Very good.
You should be in it.
-(LAUGHS)

Um, I know you're nervous.

The more you know
the material,

the more you can know this,
the more you can let that go.

"So, you had
a difficult childhood."

"No."

"But your mother
left you alone a lot."

I'm going to stop you...
Why are you looking
around the room?

Why are you not looking at me?

To show I wasn't
looking at the script.

-No, no, no, but you've
got to play to me.
-Okay.

I'm the character,
don't look at the script,
look at me.

(MOUTHING)

"Where did you get
this fear of...

(STAMMERS)

-"Abandonment."
-"...abandonment?"

(LAUGHS) Okay.
Well, I mean, I don't...

Honestly don't know exactly
what your plans are.

I don't know if this is
something that you're...

I really want to
be in the show.

Okay, my suggestion to you
is you need to get training.

-You know? You need to...
-For...

-For acting.
-Do you get the training
after the part?

No.

But if I know
I've got the part,

then I would go
and get training.

It doesn't happen that way.

I felt... I feel like I'm
normally five out of five,
acting,

and this was
near a four.

You're not a four
at this point. I'm sorry.

-Not even a four?
-Nope.

How do you think
that went, Poppy?

(IN MOCK LA ACCENT)
Georgie, that went so well.

You did so well,
I have to say.

Do you think you'll definitely
get the part?

-(IN NORMAL ACCENT)
Yeah, definitely.
-I think you will, too.

How about we do
a little role play?

-Okay.
-Shall I be her?

Yeah. Hello? Poppy speaking.

-(IN MOCK AMERICAN ACCENT)
It's Christy here.
-Christy!

From Da Bold and...
Da Bold and Beautiful.

Um, I just want to say that
we were really impressed

with your actin'
an' dat you have da part

on Da Bold
and Da Beautiful.

Oh, my gosh,
thank you so much!

NARRATOR: Next time
on Almost Royal...

(AUCTIONEER SPEAKING RAPIDLY)

What the hell is going on?

Poppy and Georgie
are in Texas.

Go, Texas State!

POPPY: I feel like I've met
my male match,

and he is a cowboy man.

This feels wonderful!

On the other hand, I do
have quite a sore ass.

(HORSE WHINNYING)