Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 5, Episode 18 - Tom Dooley - full transcript

Previously on Ally McBeal.

You said that we could get John Cage
back if we needed him. He's not in Mexico.

- He's not?
- Oh, my God!

♪ Ayayay ♪
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!

They're bringing in Liza
Bump. Her name is Bump?

You're going up against Lolita.

I've heard tales of this Lolita.

I'm Liza Bump. I'm looking for Nelle
Porter. Could you direct me, please?

One million, or trial.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo. Trial.

- Let the record reflect she just grazed...
- My johnson!



- Wasn't it great?
- I sniffed Victor's ass once.

Get over it, Ally McBeal.

Ever think about
joining a law firm?

If I were to even
consider coming here,

it would only be
to learn from you.

- And if you're not even gonna be here...
- I said I'd be back, didn't I?

Okay. Okay. Okay, your
plane's delayed by 30 minutes.

That gives you a little
extra time. Oh! Oh! Okay.

Are-Are they assembled? Uh,
they're going in there right now.

Okay. Aren't you excited?

Well... Well, yes.
Yes. I gotta... Oh, here.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay,
okay. Let's get started.

I have to go to Bermuda,
so... With Victor?

Oh. This... Yeah.



Okay. There are a few things
we have to take care of before I go.

And first of all, let's welcome
Liza. She starts today.

- What?
- John extended an offer of
employment, and she accepted.

We're glad to have
you. Thank you.

- Liza will be working
out of John's office.
- Why does she get his office?

John... loaned it to her.

Oh. John loaned it to her. What
else did John extend to Liza?

I don't think that's
appropriate, Nelle.

Did he give her
his hole as well?

- Oh, please.
- I-It's John's office.

He's free to designate
who he wants to... have it.

Oh. Thank you.

I actually have a trial starting
today. I could use some backup.

- Oh, uh, I'm... I'm free.
- Actually, Richard,
you might distract me.

- I find you attractive.
- Oh, give me a break.

Um, yeah. What's...
What's the case?

My client is being
charged with bigamy.

- She has two husbands.
- What's your defense?

- She's entitled.
- Oh!

- Belle, will you help me?
- The name is Nelle.

It says "Morgan" on
your birth certificate.

M-M-Morgan?

- Move along.
- Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Morgan Porter?

Move along.

Since we're moving along, I took
the liberty of hiring another associate.

It's a lawyer I was
wooing for my own firm.

After I came here, I
continued the woo,

and I'm happy to
report I was successful.

- Hmm. You hired somebody?
- Yes, I did, Morgan.

- And I think you'll love him.
- Uh-huh.

Now, you understand that any
offer you make is not binding on us.

- So it...
- Wilson, hi. This is Richard.

Corretta. Ally. Somebody.

And Morgan.

You know, actually
we were just discussing

your job, and I think
there may be a problem.

What problem? As long as I get
my agreed upon salary, I don't care.

Uh, look, I'd love to stick
around for the little morning mixer,

but I got clients comin' in.

The slutty secretary told me
there's an empty office upstairs,

so I'll grab it and we can
talk about an upgrade later.

Love to get to know all of you, but,
uh, well, Liza says you're all very nice.

I'll take her
word for it. Later.

♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love
has to bring Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

Oh, my.

Oh, my! Hello.

Oh, hello. I'm Claire Otoms.

And you're, well...

You're lovely. Thank you.

You wouldn't be a little,
uh, bachelorette treat...

that's been sent to celebrate
my upcoming nuptials, would you?

I'm a new attorney.
Wilson Jade. Startin' today.

Wonderful. If I were
10 years younger,

I'd invite you home
for a nightcap.

You're wonderful.

- Oh, hello, Nelle.
- Hello.

Christmas has
come early this year.

This is Wilson. Yes, we met. Hi.

Hello. Is it Morgan? It's Nelle.

Am I in the girls' room?

Oh, it's unisex.

Here at Cage, Fish and McBeal,

we don't distinguish
between the sexes.

Uh... Uh, if you
need anything...

Actually, I could use some help on a case
I'm working on, and you might be suitable.

You're not a nice
person, are you?

Not at all. Excellent.

Come by my office. We can
discuss it, if you have time.

We need to have both husbands
there, to show their support.

It's important that
the jury see that.

Okay. Now, I really don't
want to risk prison here.

If there's a plea...
We're not going to lose.

How can you be
so sure? The law...

What's wrong? I could swear
that Napoleon was looking at me.

I think you're just
feeling a little bit on trial...

because you're
about to go on trial.

Liza, I am very nervous.

I have friends who are lawyers,
and they're telling me I can't win this.

Are you sure...

Okay, I may be crazy, but I really
do think Napoleon is staring at us.

Hey! Who's back there?

I know somebody's back
there, and I think it's John Cage.

P-P-Poughkeep... Poughkeep...

John, you meet me in
your hole this instant!

Oh, balls!

It... I assure you, it was
very benign peeping.

Do you live inside the walls?

No. This is my hole.

Uh... There's a passageway.
It connects to my office.

And, uh, I apologize for...

Isn't he like a
cute little Stuffy?

And such a good little
lawyer. Yes, you are.

Uh, all right. Yes, you are!

Okay.

I could be wrong, but I don't think
he enjoys being pinched like that.

I always forget to release.

He's just so cute.

Listen, John, while we
have you here, we're

about to start a very
difficult bigamy case,

which I guess you
picked up on as Napoleon.

- We could really use your help.
- Well, I...

Oh, please, the
mariachis will understand.

He's a mariachi singer.

- It's so cute.
- You are?

But... I always
wanted to do that.

All right. Let's not mock
me, if you don't mind.

I'm serious. I was always
rejected because I was a woman.

I really wanted to
be a mariachi singer.

I even went to
Mexico to live briefly.

I went to Mexico! I... Tell her.

He did.

I used to wear out the grooves of
my parents' Kingston Trio records.

"El Matador," "The Tijuana
Jail." I thought they were Mexican.

What? What's the matter?

"Tom Dooley." "Tom
Dooley" was my favorite.

Okay. Ever.

- He sounds quite Mexican.
- It was a Kingston Trio song.

I used to listen and
pretend I was Tom Dooley.

Uh, John, Tom Dooley
was hung in the song.

Well, I think it was
more the crying part...

Okay.

Earth to SquarePants.

Maybe we should talk about
the case. Will you help, John?

Uh... Uh...

But how could you
possibly win? I'm hoping

we could settle it
and it won't go to trial.

But she was married to him.

How can a wife sue a
husband for sexual harassment?

We've already sued. The
question is, can we prevail?

I think we can, if we
make two showings.

First, she had a real
bastard for a husband.

Second, she's now
got one for a lawyer.

He'll settle.

She was my wife, for God's sake.

Is it your belief that a husband
is entitled to oppress his wife?

Oppress? I-I showed affection.

I know plenty of wives who
would kill for that kind of oppression.

Now, according to your ex-wife, you
would complain about not having enough sex.

Are you married,
Mr. Jade? No, sir, I'm not.

Yeah, well, let me
tell you somethin'.

When a husband complains about not
having enough sex, that's called foreplay.

Oh, you see? This is
what I had to deal with!

Oh, tell us what you had to deal with,
Connie. I would like to say something here.

Most married men cheat, okay?
They go looking in other places.

Me? I went looking for it with
my wife. And so I get sued?

Just because you're
married to a person...

doesn't mean you can squeeze
her breasts whenever you feel like it.

You know, "love, honor and
obey" doesn't mean grope, you pig.

- Let's see what kind of grope
you get on the open market.
- All right.

- Are you gonna let him
talk to me like that?
- Happily. It's being recorded.

- You record her
callin' me a pig?
- Let's all settle down.

Mr. Dekumbis,

I want to draw your attention to a vacation
you took with your ex-wife to Florida.

Now, is it true... and
please correct me if it's not...

Did you on one
occasion, uh... Yeah.

"Wrap your penis with a slice of American
cheese and douse it with ketchup"?

Did that happen, sir?

Look. We were
having problems, okay?

Our therapist advised us to try something
unconventional to spice up our sex life.

Do you remember what
you said to your ex-wife

when she got into
bed that night, sir?

I...

I told her to have a... A
Quarter Pounder with cheese.

The law is the law,
Liza, and she broke it.

John, in some states,
oral sex is against the law.

You don't see people
getting thrown in jail for that.

Bigamy is a little more serious.

You don't take
oral sex seriously?

I take... Uh...

We're both on the same side here.
Would you please stop trying to rattle me?

Oh, yeah. Force of habit.

Can I come watch? Come watch?

Nicole, you're the one on trial
here. You're required to be there.

I don't mean the trial. I
mean you, singing mariachi.

You know, I really think we
should concentrate on the case.

I don't know what Liza's told you, but
you're very much in jeopardy here, Nicole.

You may love these men, and
they may be okay with sharing a wife,

but the law is what it is.

And if convicted,
you're looking at prison.

Detective, how did you discover
she was married to two different men?

We were tipped off.

We then checked the
marriage license records

in Massachusetts
and New Hampshire...

to discover she'd been married
in both states to two different men.

The first marriage
wasn't dissolved?

No. She remains
legally married to both.

Therefore, we placed her under
arrest for bigamy. Thank you, sir.

Yeah.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

No, that's okay. I... I
thought it was my turn.

Well, I just had
the one. Go ahead.

Uh, really? All
right. I don't mind.

Uh, good afternoon, Detective.

My name is John Cage. I'm one of
the lawyers representing the defendant.

Well, uh... I am sorry. I almost
forgot to ask my question.

- May I still?
- Of course.

Uh, sir, you testified
that my client still

remains legally married
to both men today?

- That's correct.
- Well, if it's legal,
why'd you arrest her?

Well, it's not legal.

What I mean is, she's on the
books as being legally married,

which is illegal.

To be on the books as legal.

It's a little confusing. I mean, it's a
confusing law, this one about bigamy.

How many of you
are confused by it?

Uh, yes, Ms. Bump?

- I'm confused about who
we're tryin' to protect.
- Objection. What is this?

He asked who was confused.
I thought he'd like to know why.

- How many want to know why?
- Objection.

Mr. Cage. Ms. Bump. I'll ask you
to proceed without the nonsense.

Okay. Uh...

No, I'm sorry. All I
had left was nonsense.

- You?
- No, that's all I had.

Is it wise to
make light of it all?

We're just trying to set
the tone that the law's silly.

If we can get the jury to that point,
Nicole, they will never put you in jail.

- Her husbands are outside.
- They can come in.

Gentlemen? Hi, honey.

Hi, baby.

So, what happens next?

- I believe I testify, right?
- Yes.

Then the psychologist. We may
possibly call one of you, if needed.

You okay? I'm fine. Fine.

How are you? I'm okay.

It's always tough on
the husbands, isn't it?

Can I help you? Just looking.

Wilson. Have we heard anything?

Yeah. In my office.

Okay.

They offered 25
to make it go away.

Twenty-five? That's
nothing. I'll turn it down.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa. Twenty-five
for this case is not nothing.

Connie, you were his wife. You're suing
your husband for making sexual overtures.

That's something husbands are
expected to do, to come on to their wives.

I'll get you more. Do you mind
giving me and Nelle a second?

Oh!

The client is the
customer, Nelle.

Never try to sell the customer
something she doesn't want.

We won't get more for this.

Yes, we will. Have you
considered the merits, Wilson?

Nelle, look at me.

Do I strike you as a person
who concerns himself with merits?

I'll think about it
and let you know.

Aah!

I first married Peter in 1982.
We were childhood sweethearts.

And then in 1994,
you married Steven.

Yes. Uh, Steven and I were in medical
practice together. That's how we met.

Medical practice?
We're both neurologists.

Oh. Well, why not divorce
Peter before marrying Steven?

I never fell out of love
with Peter. I love them both.

But individually...
They weren't enough?

I know how it sounds.

But Peter and I have a relationship
predicated on childhood ideologies.

We grew up in the same world.

There are parts of me that nobody
else will, or could, get like he does.

But why isn't he enough?

I... I can't talk to him at the
end of the day about my job,

which is a big part of my life.

And I need to be with someone who
truly understands what I do all day,

what it's like to do what I do.

But the question becomes,
are they okay with this?

It was an adjustment,
but in the end, yes.

They want to be married to
me, even if it's not full-time.

And I want to be
married to them.

How many more men do you plan to marry,
Mrs., uh... Is it Carrens or Lewiston?

It's Naples. It sounds
like you disapprove.

Well, bigamy is not
my choice for a lifestyle.

So, you agree it's a
choice? No, I don't.

- So, it's not a choice.
- I'm asking the questions here.

- So, you agree it's a question?
- No, it's not even a question.

- Then what do you
have to ask me?
- Your Honor?

Ms. Naples? Your Honor, if he
has questions, he's free to ask them.

But if he's looking to
introduce conclusions,

I would think he
should wait till closings.

I'm not a lawyer,
but I would think.

Why not just keep these
men in your life as friends?

Close friends. Best friends.

Why do you have to have
sexual relations with them both?

I'm not on trial for having
sex with them, Mr. Tisbury.

I could be married to one, sleeping with
the other. I wouldn't be facing charges.

Just the same, I'm sure
the jury would like to know.

Why sex with two different men?

I'll tell you what.

If you stipulate that
who I have sex with is

relevant to the crime
I'm being charged with,

I'll answer your question.

- She's smarter than us.
- Shh.

- I'm just saying.
- Shh.

Is it relevant, Mr. Tisbury?

No.

Well, he is right about the
jury asking the question.

Conjugal relations
with two different men.

Sounds awful.

You know, we all
have multiple personas.

Our personalities are both affected
and altered by the company we keep.

And speaking as a scientist, I can tell
you that it is pretty much impossible...

for one person to link up with another
on emotional, cognitive, intellectual...

Nicole, I get that.
But marriage?

That's about
commitment, isn't it?

♪♪

- John, break time's over.
- Oh. Yea!

This is a famous Mexican song
dedicated to the beautiful lady.

Which one? There are two of us.

♪ Hang down your
head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your head
Tom Dooley ♪ Oh, my God.

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪

♪ Hang down your
head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your
head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Poor boy You're
bound to die ♪♪

♪♪

Well, if you truly want to sing, I'm
sure we could arrange one song.

Really? Would you like
to go straight Mexican or...

The band is kinda taken now with
the Kingston Trio. Oh, I'll do either.

This is me. Oh.

This is one of your two houses?
Yeah. I live here with Peter.

You know, Nicole,

if you would agree to voluntarily
dissolve one of your marriages,

I think we could plead
this out with probation.

I love both of them, John.

Can you imagine asking
a mother to part with

one of her kids because
she has more than one?

Well, now, uh, it's a little
different, Nicole. Well, should it be?

We don't question a parent's ability to
love two children deeply, unconditionally.

Why is it so absurd for a
woman to love two men?

Well... This is a societal norm.

It has nothing
to do with nature.

Well, spoken like a man
caught cheating on his wife.

Ah. I don't cheat on anybody.

We could make it go away.

Yes, if I am willing to let other
people's values be imposed on me.

I love my husbands.

I want to stay
married to them. Okay.

Night. Night.

Ah.

I'm drawn to her. John.

I'm not happy about it,
damn it, but she has this way.

What do you mean, "this way"?

Uh, "this way," damn it! Haven't
you ever seen a woman with a way?

She has this mellifluous voice.

She could almost
surround you with her sound.

Why don't you marry her? Everybody
else has. She's not promiscuous, Richard.

Come on, John. She
has two husbands.

I know, and I'm having trouble reconciling
both that and being drawn to her.

But I am. I just want to...

curl up, all fetal like, in
her toned yet supple arms.

She just has these
magnificent arms, Richard.

Oh. Tapered so.

She has the forearm
of a newborn's mother.

It's love muscle.

Yes, that's what it is. It's the
love muscle of a newborn's mother.

Uh-huh. Yes.

- You ready?
- To do what?

I'm not clear on my
role here, Wilson.

I told you. It's basically
good cop, bad cop.

You're gonna pick up the pieces
after I shatter everything to bits.

But what, exactly,
are you gonna do?

I'm gonna irreparably ruin any chance
of settling. Uh-huh. And then I'm going to?

Settle it. Oh.

You're gonna talk to him in a soft,
gentle voice. Maybe touch his arm.

Let him know you understand.

I'm not comfortable with that.

Nelle, I'm only askin'
you to pretend to be nice.

See ya in there.

Jade. Fish.

What... Hey, wait. What's up
with that guy? Is he any good?

I have no idea, but I'll
certainly let you know.

What do you mean, a new witness?

She's a rebuttal witness. If
defense needs time, I'm happy...

I object, I object, I object!
And so do I, Your Honor.

That makes four objections. You
can't possibly overrule them all.

Ms. Bump, I don't
find you amusing.

Who knew, what
with all the giggles?

I'm allowing the witness. If you want
to recess before you cross, I'll grant it.

But now, sit.
Mr. Tisbury, proceed.

The prosecution
calls Tally Cupp.

Oh, no.

"Oh, no"?

Well, I don't like this
"Oh, no." Who is she?

An ex... friend.

Oh, no.

You swear to tell the
truth, the whole truth

and nothin' but the
truth, so help you, God?

I do. Be seated.

Could you state your name and
occupation for the record, please?

My name is Tally Cupp. I'm a
radiologist at Beth Israel Hospital.

- Ms. Cupp, do you know
the defendant, Nicole Naples?
- I do.

Could you state the nature
of your relationship with her?

Six years ago, we were
roommates for about a year.

Roommates? Was
the relationship sexual?

Objection. How is this relevant?

Ms. Naples sat up here yesterday,
pontificating the virtues of her marriages.

- And how does this witness bear any...
- If I could be allowed?

Oh, pipe down, Mr. Tisbury!
Your Honor, this is out of order.

Defense will be arguing jury nullification
here, that her actions were reasonable.

I'm entitled to explore
the promiscuity...

Your Honor, you clearly
heard me tell him to pipe down!

Mr. Cage, one more outburst,
I will tape your mouth shut.

Do not think I'm kidding.

Now sit.

So, Ms. Cupp, you had a partnership
of the lesbian variety with the defendant?

Actually, we're
both heterosexual,

but I suppose the relationship
was of the lesbian variety.

I'm a little confused.

Well, if he's confused, Your Honor,
that's doubt. A reasonable doubt.

If the prosecution has a reasonable
doubt, how can we not dismiss this?

If you're both heterosexual,
was the relationship experimental?

Not really.

Look, we were
very close friends...

with many common interests,

bonded in a
multitude of arenas...

with one particular
consensus in particular.

Which was?

For women, sex is
mostly in the touching.

And it is unfortunate
for heterosexual ladies,

but the truth is...

no one knows how, or
where, to touch a woman...

better than another woman.

I happen to know.

And Nicole?

She definitely knows.

She was able to go places
men don't even know exist.

Men think erotic
is... boom, bang,

rough, deep.

Women know.

Nicole knew.

Erotic is soft and gentle.

Sometimes delicate.

Sitting over there...

is the most delicate
touch on Earth.

Trust me.

I contract just looking at her.

Oh, my God.

That's all I have.

No court will ever let a claim stand for
sexual harassment within a marriage.

- Why not?
- Come on, Wilson.

The government's dying to
get into the bedroom, Joshua.

Not when it comes to marriage.
Look, we can discuss the merits all day.

There are no merits. The only
question you really have to ask yourself...

And I suggest you
put it to your client...

What are his friends
gonna say? His colleagues?

His girlfriend?

It comes out, when this guy
serves up his Quarter Pounder,

he asks the customer
to hold the mayo.

Is that what this is? You're
gonna blackmail him?

Goes to a pattern of
sexual harassment.

You're scum.

I may be, but that isn't
relevant. The cheeseburger is.

And as to whether
I'll use it at trial?

Well, only for the beginning,
the middle and the end.

And, Joshua, I'll enjoy
myself. Tell your client that.

Tell him to bring his patty,
bring the pickle, bring the ketchup.

I'll bring the relish.

In fact, this sounds like so
much fun, I don't want to settle.

Look, I'm not
proud of his tactics,

but the fact is, there is enough
relevance to introduce that stuff.

Let's you and I talk,
without Mr. Jade.

See if we can make it
go away. He can't do this.

I know how you're
feeling, but he can do this.

Let's you and I settle
it from under him.

It is not the end of the world.

It is, damn it. That
witness just hurt us, Liza.

- Why?
- Why? Did you say "Why?"

They just depicted her as
being this expert on... touching.

Oh. Gee.

Look, our whole case depends
on her not being abhorrent.

Now, in addition to having
two husbands, she had a...

a-a toucher.

I think he's mad 'cause
his mouth got taped.

John, the thing with Tally, I...

It happened when I was going
through some trouble in my marriages.

That's not really who I am.

I don't get off on touching
other heterosexual women.

I don't see how this
really affects our case.

Nicole, for us to win here, you
have to seem relatable to the jury.

And that just became a whole
lot more difficult. Trust me.

Am I less relatable to you?

Uh, uh, yeah, to be honest, yes.

I mean... The Kingston Trio didn't sing a
song about a woman with two husbands...

who... liked to touch
female radiologists.

We all have pasts.
I'm sure you do.

I'm not judging
you. Yes, you are.

As your lawyer, I'm
recommending we try to plead out.

I want to keep going.

May I ask why?

I guess I'm willing to accept
the jury's verdict, but not yours.

I know I'm short, but
I think she likes you.

Okay.

Well, well, well.

Hi, Morgan. Hi!

How's the trial going?
What's the catch?

Well, I was upset to find out
that people could go online...

and access birth records
and learn people's real names.

Until I learned yours, Liza.
Or should I say Debbie?

Well, you'd better run
off to court, Debbie.

You wouldn't want to
be late for trial, Debbie.

Have a nice day, Debbie.

- I could've sworn I heard...
- Claire?

Oh, Nelle, hello.

Hmm. What are you doing?

I'm... I'm going to
the little girls' room.

Any reason you
couldn't use the door?

I think she was lookin' for me.

Oh. Hello! I'm Claire Otoms.

Uh, did you talk to him?

I just got off the phone. Uh, come
on. I'll fill you in. I just called Connie.

Jade. Fish.

Hey, Claire.

She broke the law.
It's as simple as that.

And that's the only thing
you need to ask yourself.

Did Nicole Naples knowingly marry a
man while legally married to another?

She did.

The real question, however,

is whether you are going to live up
to your sworn duty to uphold this law.

The defense wants you
to ignore your burden.

They're counting on
you liking the defendant

and not wanting
to put her in jail.

But that's not the issue,
ladies and gentlemen...

whether Nicole
Naples is a nice person.

I'm sure she is.

The issue is, did
she break the law?

She did.

Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was closing.

- No. We agreed.
- Well, I've prepared one.

Uh, well, let's be fair.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

Mr. Cage? Ms. Bump?

One of you close. The other sit.

Okay. You go.

Silly, isn't it?

Silly us.

Silly trial.

Silly law.

The government
legislating our personal lives,

our choices of who and
how many we can commit to.

That... That's just silly.

These are no longer the
times of Ozzie and Harriet.

Things have changed.
And they have to, don't they?

Over 50% of traditional
marriages fail today.

And we've got to be
open to new ideas.

The law has to keep pace
with these changing times.

Well, this one doesn't.

This one says throw people
in jail for being nontraditional.

Oh, come on.

Nicole Naples didn't seek
to capitalize on tax laws,

insurance benefits.

She didn't prosper financially.
She didn't exploit anybody.

All she did... was
to formally commit...

to two men.

Two men she loved deeply.

And I'll tell you, with-with so many people
going around today not loving anybody,

how can the
government jail a person...

for loving too much?

That is just silly.

You know, we Americans, we
talk a pretty good game of tolerance.

Well, talk is over now.

It's time for you to show us...

Are we open-minded
as a people, tolerant?

That's one question.

Is Nicole Naples
really a criminal?

That's another.

And as you walk back to that
room, ladies and gentlemen,

you remember, when
you decide her fate,

you pass judgment on all of us.

Is that a lot? 225?

I won't lie to you, although
I'm quite capable of doing so.

If we win at trial, we
could get more. Oh.

But we could also lose at summary
judgment, in which case, we'd get nothing.

We should grab it
quickly and scream.

I think we would lose
at summary judgment.

Well... Okay.

225,000.

I told you I'd get you something,
didn't I? Yes. Thank you.

Thank you, both of
you. I'm very grateful.

We'll call you after we
draft the settlement. Okay.

Thank you again.

You must proselytize nicely.

Oh, I think it was your scummy,
sleazy blackmail that put us over the top.

Thank you.

I must say, so many women
lawyers today have that...

disgusting heart of gold
beneath their slick exteriors.

But you?

You're so refreshing.
I appreciate that.

Until we scheme again.

Until.

They came back
pretty fast, didn't they?

Well, it wasn't a very
complicated case, Nicole.

You okay? I'm having a little
trouble with this whole "Debbie" thing.

Will the defendant please rise?

Mr. Foreman, has the
jury reached a verdict?

- We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?

On the matter of The
Commonwealth versus Nicole Naples,

on the charge of bigamy, we find
the defendant, Nicole Naples, guilty.

Fix!

Ms. Bump?

Members of the jury, this
completes your service.

Ms. Naples, the
jury finds you guilty.

The court sentences you to three months,
all suspended. This case is adjourned.

What happened?

No jail time. That's
great. That is fantastic.

The judge must have a mistress.

♪ But would he ever return
Oh, he never returned ♪

♪ And his fate is
still unlearned ♪

♪ He may ride forever
'neath the streets of Boston ♪

♪ He's the man
who never returned ♪

♪♪

- Is this Mexican?
- It's Mexico meets
the Kingston Trio.

I didn't know you were
so up on music, Debbie.

Oh, Morgan, there's so
much you don't know about me.

Oh, we all have our
little secrets, don't we?

Excuse me, big woman.

- Could you wait
until you're spoken to?
- Oh, certainly, little Hobbit.

Little pip-squeak.

Come on, Wilson.
Let's get out of here.

I think I'm gonna stick
around here, but thanks.

What's the word
on Wilson, Nelle?

Any good? Oh, he's good,
Richard. He's very good.

Should we keep him? Oh, yeah.

♪ He will ride forever
'neath the streets of Boston ♪

♪ He's the man who
never returned ♪♪

That was so much fun. It
was almost worth standing trial.

And I even get to keep the
outfit. And you're a good singer.

Oh, I wish my husbands could
have seen me. Why didn't they?

Well, it turns out they
were both busy, and it

seemed like a lawyer
celebration dinner, so...

I was happy to spend
tonight with Tom Dooley.

Thank you, John. Oh, I'm
just glad everything worked out.

You know, uh, when I
was little, we moved once.

I made a little apartment out
of one of the wardrobe boxes.

It was basically my
room for four years.

That's all I could think
of when I saw your hole.

Well, it's... it's late, but...

Would you like to get some
dinner maybe, sometime?

I would like nothing better
than to have dinner with you,

but I'm going to say no.

Okay.

If... If I wasn't very careful,

I could fall in love with you.

Ah.

Well, they say good
things come in threes.

No, I'm too old-fashioned
for that, but...

Yeah. I respect your
right to choose your life.

It's just, uh, isn't my life.

I figured that.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Oh! Uh, the, uh... The hat.

Oh, why don't you keep
it? So you won't forget.

♪ Hang down your
head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Hang down your head and cry ♪

♪ Hang down your
head Tom Dooley ♪

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪

♪ Poor boy You're bound to die ♪

♪ Poor boy You're
bound to die ♪♪

You stinker!