Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 5, Episode 16 - Love Is All Around: Part 1 - full transcript

The firm has a new case where they up against a formidable young lawyer named Lolita ('Christina Ricci'). Concerned about her reputation, Nelle and Richard are off to a Mexican restaurant to retrieve their own Biscuit, John Cage. Ally is attempting to hire a top billing lawyer Todd (Matthew Perry) but she's concerned about the lack of action in her and Victor's relationship and has decided that Todd is attracted to her.

Previously on Ally McBeal.

The bank sent me. There's
an electrical problem.

They want me to bring
the place up to code.

- Are you Allison McBeal?
- I am.

I'm your daughter.

Is she my genetic daughter?

Apparently, she
is. We're mortified...

You're mortified?

I'm a mother.

John's gone again. Oh, brother.

Where is he now? Mexico.



He's leaving the firm. What?

Not completely. But as
of now, he's a part-time

Biscuit. So what will
the firm be called?

Fish and... and McBeal?

- They're talking about
French-kissing.
- No, no, no, no.

I don't want them talking
about French-kissing. Ally...

- Give me a demonstration with Victor!
- - Victor's cute.

- Victor and I are not
right for each other, Maddie.
- Why not?

We just come from two different
worlds, and it takes a lot more...

for two people to become a couple
than just wanting to jump each other's...

Hullo! I'm Claire Otoms.

- I'm told you were terminated for...
- Sexual harassment.

The woman is a predator,
Your Honor, a sexual menace.

You are driving this
place into the ground.



Well, I... We need to let somebody
go, at least one, maybe two.

- I'll hire you.
- What?

I mean, I'm offering you a job.

First, you go around axing people. Now
I get a note that says you want to hire.

We need to hire an associate
with portables. Glenn took clients.

We need to find somebody who
has others he or she can bring in.

I extended an offer
to Raymond Millbury.

- What is wrong with you?
- You're fired.

- What?
- Get your little wrench
and-and go.

Here's your check, you big turd.

And to think that I came
here to ask you out.

Yeah, as if I'd be
interested. Go to hell!

Are we done here? No.
I'm still asking you out.

Why? Because I like you, Victor.

And you can pick me
up in your... your truck.

♪♪ We got it
together, didn't we?

We've definitely got our
thing together, don't we, baby?

Isn't that nice?

Nobody but you and me.

We've got it together, baby.

Victor.

I can't take it anymore,
Ally. Enough is enough.

Let's get to it.

And then I woke up,
and it was just a dream.

You know, I'm not usually
thrown by my dreams.

But this one, it was...
It was... it was so...

Oh, the problem is, Claire, is
that I-I-I'm not in control again.

I'm-I'm-I'm usually in
control of my fantasies.

I can manipulate my
unconscious. But-But now,

they just keep popping up when
I don't want them to, and I just...

You know, we're coming
up on the third date.

Ah. The sex date.

What are you afraid of?

Ally? Uh-huh... Yes. Yes?

What are you afraid of?
Well, I-I think that I'm, um,

afraid that it will
be totally fantastic.

And as much as I like Victor...
and I do, I do, I do, I do...

But I-I don't, uh... I don't
want to fall in love with him.

And you think if you let
him into your little temple,

he might snorkel his
way up to your cockles?

You... You have such a...
a way with words, Claire.

Oh, Ally,

I don't pretend to be
psychic, or even clairvoyant.

But when I look at you,
I see a tender woman.

I see a vulnerable one too.

But then,

when I hear about your
fears and trepidations,

I see an elitist little snot...

who can't bear the idea of
shacking up with a plumber!

Get over it, Ally McBeal.

This man fiddles
with pipes for a living.

Why not let him have
a wee go at yours?

♪ I've been down down, down ♪

♪ I've been down this road ♪

♪ Walkin' the line
that's painted by pride ♪

♪ And I have made
mistakes in my life ♪

♪ That I just can't hide ♪

♪ Oh, I believe I am ready ♪

♪ For what love
has to bring Yeah ♪

♪ I got myself together, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm ready to sing ♪

♪ I've been searching
my soul tonight ♪

♪ I know there's so
much more to life ♪

♪ Now I know I
can shine a light ♪

♪ To find my way back home ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ Hoo, hoo ♪

♪ Baby, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

♪ Ever since he
broke your heart ♪

♪ You seem so lost ♪

♪ Each time you pass his way ♪

♪ Hey, there, lonely girl ♪

♪ Lonely girl ♪

♪ Don't you know this
lonely boy loves you ♪♪

Okay, next up, Richardson versus
Price Communications. What's that?

Mine. Holly Richardson was fired for not
attending a Bully Broad class. We're suing.

- Bully Broad?
- It's real. It's a feminization program.

More and more corporations are making
their female executives attend them.

- You gotta be kidding.
- Oh, I wish I were.

You got a bigger problem. I
know your opposing counsel.

Jack Mitchell just got replaced.
They're bringing in Liza Bump.

Bump? Her name is Bump?

The one they call Lolita now.

You're going up against Lolita.
What are you talking about?

- No, I've heard of her.
- So have I.

- Well, who is she?
- She's 21 years old. Tiny.

The most innocent-looking
thing in the world. And a killer.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- She went through high school
in two years, college in two.

Now she goes through anybody
who goes up against her... like butter.

Well, she's not going
through me, not on this case.

All right.

Next item, Ally. Uh, hiring.

Oh. Oh, uh, yes. I've been, uh, meeting
with candidates today and tomorrow,

and I'm hoping to extend an offer
by the end of the week. Excellent.

- Best of luck
on your date tonight.
- Richard!

Hey, this is big,
Ally. It's the sex date.

As senior partner, I hereby resolve
that, uh, the personal lives of lawyers...

shall not be discussed
during staff meetings.

All in favor, aye, as
in I. Motion passes.

Can I, uh, see you in
private, Richard? Yeah.

I-I'm sorry. No, no,
no. Never mind that.

You said we could get John
Cage back if we needed him?

I did. Well, we need him.

I have heard stories
about this Lolita character.

She is gonna chew through
Nelle like a piece of wet cardboard.

We have got to get
John on a plane, and

maybe we can push
the trial back to tomorrow.

- He's not in Mexico.
- He's not?

Uh, he's working at a
Mexican restaurant in Boston.

- I-I beg your pardon?
- Well, he's, uh...

He's a waiter or
something at Las Posadas.

I've heard it from three different
people who've eaten there.

Has he completely
gone off the deep end?

You know, uh, maybe. I-I figure
he must not want us to know.

- But... You really think
we need him?
- I do.

So sorry to intrude,
but I have news.

- You're pregnant?
- No. But you're on
the right track.

Ally, after our
discussion last night,

I went home with my
libido in full regalia,

and I played trains and tunnels
with my special someone...

so that he became
even more special.

Uh, I'm-I'm not following.

I'm getting married!

Can we back up a second?

You-You played trains
and tunnels with somebody?

Not just somebody.
A special somebody.

Oh.

He's coming in this
afternoon. We'll all meet him.

Oh, thank you, Ally.

You inspired me to...

To do rude things
with him last night.

By the way, have
you and Victor...

had a little... chafing
of the loins yet?

Uh... Uh, no.

No, but... thanks for asking.

I'm sorry.

You are?

Uh... Todd Merrick.

We... have an appointment.

Huh. For tomorrow. Right.

Yes, I know that. But I figured
if I'm gonna be working here,

best come check out the place
absent the vice of a formal interview.

You're Ally McBeal? Yes.

Interesting. Senior
partner? Yes.

Huh. Interesting. I-I-I'm sorry.

Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?

I just told you that.
But even if I hadn't,

shouldn't the wooer be at least
feigning a little excitement to the woo-ee?

Of course, I am a
litigator, so my compass is

probably more finely
tuned to human behavior.

Do you ever get to court, Ally?

Okay. The interview
will take place tomorrow.

I will be the one
asking the questions,

and you will be the one in
the suit and tie, minus the cap.

Would that be okay
with you, Mr. Merrick?

Ah. What "ah"?

Nothing. I'll look
forward to tomorrow.

Fine. Fine.

Okay.

Okay.

Given that we're
really trying to get this

guy, don't you think
you should've been nice?

Uh-uh. Who-Who-Who
does he think he is?

I think he knows who he is.

♪♪

I can try this case
myself, Richard.

Granted. But if this
woman is as good as...

I can beat her. It's also a good
chance for us to get John back.

How we doin'? Uh, fine.

We could use a different waiter
though. A little one who stutters.

Maybe a nose whistle. I know
you've got one. We're in a hurry,

so off you go. From
what I hear of this Lolita,

she does better against men.
Nelle, you're a fine attorney.

But John's the best litigator
we have, and he... Oh, my God.

♪♪

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪

Ay, ay-ay, ay-ay!

♪ Ay, ay-ay, ay-ay ♪

♪♪

You know, Ally, there is no rule
that you two have to have sex.

I-I-I know that, but it's...

I can tell that it is so in
the air with both of us,

that it's becoming
really conspicuous.

How so?

Well, uh... Okay. The other night
we went to this really nice restaurant.

And-And... Oh, he was so cute.

You know, he put on this
little tie and this little coat, and...

And when we were
saying good-bye,

it was like, okay, here
comes the first big kiss.

I could feel my heart start beating,
and even my lips were beating.

And I know that he was
feeling the same way, 'cause...

'cause he just... He
looked like, you know...

And, uh, well, we just like so
wanted to kiss each other, and-and...

Well, it... It-It just, um...

Well, we just... We-We-We
ended up not kissing each other,

because it just... there
was just so much pressure.

So-So the idea of-of,
you know, making love is...

I remember the first time with
my ex. He got food poisoning.

- Hello?
- Oh, Jerome!

Come in. Hello! Hello.

Ally, this is Jerome,
my special someone.

Hi. Hello, Ally.

Claire speaks so highly of you.

Oh. Thank you.

- How'd the sex go
with Victor?
- Oh, Jerome, your manners!

It hasn't happened yet.

So, how, uh, long have
you two been an item?

We've been together
three months now.

Three months? Wow. That's really
fast to be getting married, isn't it?

Well, Ally, if I moved at
your pace, I'd be, well, dead.

♪♪

I did go to Mexico.
I lasted one day.

Why? Well, the
dysentery hit at hour 12.

Plus, it wasn't there.

What wasn't there? My Mexico.

Not the one I went to find. No
mariachis, no sequined clothing.

None of the simplicity and
sunlit charm I've... I've found here.

We need you, John.

Oh, please, Richard. This
Lolita pulls stunts, little tricks.

She's vicious in there,
according to Raymond.

- Nelle is vicious.
- Thank you.

You said if we ever had a case
where we needed you, you'd come back.

I mean... We need you.

I've heard tales of this Lolita.

Fire.

I saw fire in your eyes.

Does this mean
you're coming back?

If I must.

Gracias.

De nada.

Saturday? This Saturday?

Why wait? If it's right,
it's right. Well, yes.

But can't you just
wait a little bit?

Ally, between us girlfriends,

I'm not a young woman, and
my supply of nectar is running low.

And what little is
left is... curdled.

What's goin' on? Richard!

You're just the
guy I need to see.

I have a date tonight, as the whole
world knows, and I need you to take over.

Take over what? I'm not
sure of Jerome's motives.

Who's Jerome? He's the special
someone, damn it! Now, I need you...

Oh! I need you to get a
prenup drafted and signed.

Why me? Well, because
you're the maid of honor.

It's the least you can do. Claire has money
and Jerome doesn't, and I don't trust it.

Now get Corretta
to help you if you...

Hello. I'm Liza Bump. I'm looking for
Nelle Porter. Could you direct me, please?

Oh, uh, she's in John Cage's
office back in the... Thank you.

Is that who I
think it is? Lolita.

Ah.

Sorry I'm late. Pedestrians.
I brake for them.

New Year's resi. Oh, how cute!

You look like a little Stuffy!
Makes me wanna do this.

I bet you get that
all the time. Wow.

You're gorgeous. I'm Liza Bump.

I now represent Price
Communications, which I enjoy doing.

So cute!

I go for older men,
though not this old.

Do you talk, or I
have to pull a string?

You're not getting off
to a very good start at all.

The discharge was valid.
You can't win this one.

Even if you could,
for how much? Please.

Wouldn't it be
more fun to settle?

I am sorry. Pinch
a cheek, let go.

Duh. Common sense.
I'm young. I'll learn.

225,000. Say yes, you can buy me
dinner. We can discuss your products.

One million. You buy dinner.

Please don't make me try
this case. I'm not prepared.

Oh, you seem prepared
to me. One million, or trial.

Eeny, meeny, miny, mo.

Trial.

- Prenuptial?
- Well, Claire,
you have money, he doesn't.

We just wanna make
sure you're protected.

Have you even
broached this with him?

Well, I did mention protection
once. He put on a condom.

Oh. No, no. We, uh...

We mean, uh, uh,
financial protection.

God forbid things
don't work out,

we'd hate to see you forced to
pay alimony or a big amount...

- He'll blink at that idea.
- Oh, uh, prenups
are very common.

No, no, no. I mean he'll
blink. He's got this disorder.

Every time he gets
nervous, he blinks.

I don't like it when he blinks.

It makes me start
to blink. It's horrible!

Claire, let us
take it up with him.

It doesn't have to seem
like it's coming from you.

Okay.

Are you havin' a lousy time?

No. Why?

Well, things just
feel a little stiff.

Maybe we should bring
Maddie along on our dates.

Or maybe you and Maddie
could just go out together.

Or better yet, maybe you could
just sit it out, wait eight years.

She'll be your type... little
teenager, perky little body.

Is that it, Victor?

I'm sorry. I'm...

It's okay. What's the matter?
Well, it's just that, um...

Well, I-I... This
is our third date.

And this is the big sex date.

You're not nervous at all?

There's nothin' to
be nervous about.

If we ever have sex, it's
gonna be because it feels right.

"If we ever"?

So-So-So it could, you know,
it could... it could be a ways off?

I don't know when it's gonna be.

It's not gonna do either one of
us any good to worry about it.

Oh, well, Maddie worries. About
when we're gonna have sex?

About if-if... She's just
riding on us as a couple.

And-And the further we go,
the more invested she becomes.

So I-I worry, and I just don't want
to move too fast and-and blow you.

"It." No, it, it,
it, it, it, it, it.

I meant to say "blow it."

Ally. All right.

We're not gonna
have sex tonight.

But I'm not goin' anywhere.

Thank you.

I'm a tough executive. I don't
dispute that. I can be demanding.

Are you a bully? Absolutely not.

I was shocked when they asked
me to attend this Bully Broad seminar.

Ms. Richardson, did your employer state
a reason for your unlawful termination?

Objection! Hello? Leading!

- I would ask that counsel
rise to lodge her objections.
- You're making short jokes?

Well, if that isn't the pot...

Ms. Bump? Sit.

Ms. Richardson,
why were you fired?

Evidently, some of the male
employees found me to be bitchy.

So Mr. Horace thought that I could
learn to be softer, more feminine.

He thought that I could benefit
from anti-assertiveness training.

But when I refused to
submit to it, he fired me.

- You don't seem bitchy to me.
- Thank you.

Anti-assertiveness.
Are you confrontational?

No more than a man.
But because I'm a woman,

what? I shouldn't
stand up for myself?

And you stood up to
Mr. Horace on this, didn't you?

Yes, I did. Thank you.

Oh. Is that your husband?

- Yes.
- Handsome.

Hey, you! Hold on a second.

Oh. Hi. Is it Nil?

It's Nelle. Where's Stuffy?

He's with the client.
What am I missing?

Clearly, you don't really
think you can win this.

Clearly, I must.
But... I'm young.

Uh, maybe foolish.
Were you ever?

Foolish? Young. Tell you
what. I'll throw in an extra 50.

50,000. Your client gets more, you
and the Stuffy avoid the embarrassment...

of losing a no-brainer, which
you seem to think this is.

So, come on, Null.
Let's just... It's Nelle.

Tell the Stuffy 50
more just for being cute.

When's he ever
gonna hear that again?

Have you ever seen
the Stuffy in court?

No. And I've heard
so much about him.

Not a peep about you,
by the way. But that's

one of the reasons
I wanna go forward.

'Cause everybody
says he's so good.

He is. Trust me.

Gee. When I factor
in trusting you...

Eeny, meeny, I'm a weeny. Trial.

You would take a cut in salary,
but you'd be getting equity...

sooner than you would
in any other big firm.

I'd need two secretaries and a junior
associate assigned directly to me.

Uh, wh-wh-why? Well, you wanna
hire me because you've seen my billings.

I get that much work done
because I have the resources to do it.

And why aren't
you listening to me?

Sorry?

You wanna convince me to
come here, and you seem bored.

Do I need to spice
up my answers?

Oh, no. I'm-I'm just...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know, it-it's,
uh, it's not you.

I'm just a little, um, distracted
by, um, something else.

The sex date?

People talk, especially in your
unisex. What's the big problem?

Let's just stick
to the interview.

I am sticking to it. I'll be
working for you. And to be honest,

I have concerns about
comin' to work for a woman...

who has trouble relating to
men, even in her personal life.

I have no trouble
relating to men, thank you.

And now we're talking
clipped. Are we pressed

for time? My private
life is not now...

nor ever will be any issue of
your employment. Yes, it is.

Why? Ally, you're senior
partner at a very young age.

You have your own house.
I'm told you have a child.

You have this whole complete
life without a male partner.

This makes you an
alpha female type "A."

The benign assumption would
be that you're independent.

The more malignant...
Ding-ding. Man-hater. Stay away.

Did it ever occur to you that
I might just be gay? Hmm.

No. Gay women don't
send off those kind of signals.

What signals? The "Oh,
I think he's cute" signals.

Are you... Have you... Sent
them to me soon as I walked in.

Oh, I did not. Did too.

I did not. Did too.

I did not. Did too!

Get out! You mean I'm not hired?

Out!

I never interview well.

- A pre-what?
- Nup.

May I ask why?

It's strictly a precaution, Jerome.
This isn't coming from Claire.

- It's our idea.
- A precaution for what?

Well, if, for whatever
reason, the marriage failed...

Yeah, we want to
spare, uh, Claire...

the financial hardship
that could be caused, uh...

Are you all right?

I'm caught to the quick. I thought
we had a love like no other.

We do. We do!

Well, I must say, I'm
extremely befuddled.

I mean, we're about to be
betrothed with vows of "forever,"

"till death do us part," "what
God has joined together."

And you want to throw in
a rider "but just in case"?

- Look at him blink.
- Jerome.

Without passing any kind of judgment on
your relationship, we have to face facts.

Fifty percent of all
marriages end in divorce.

Look. I'm sure we look like
just another couple to you.

- Not exactly.
- It's not that
I'm after her money.

But the idea of preparing
for, or even anticipating failure,

or even making room
for the idea of it...

I mean, how am I supposed to
respond? I told you he'd blink.

Draft up what
you like. I'll sign it.

He won't be sipping from
the nectar trough tonight.

Oh.

Here you go.

Oh. Lolita. My
name is Liza Bump.

I don't appreciate
that other moniker.

Where's John Cage? Why?

- It's personal.
- What's personal?

I've come to apologize.

The pinching of your cheek, that
little pucker I threw you in court...

Who's kidding who? I am
sexually attracted to you.

If I'm no longer
going to deny it to

myself, I probably
shouldn't deny it to you.

I'll try not to let it affect me in
court. I hope it doesn't affect you.

Again, I apologize.

You seem sad.

Oh, well... Tell me about it.

Maybe I can help. I'm
good at helping people.

Al?

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
said what I said.

When I have opinions,
I tend to reveal them.

And you certainly had an
opinion about this, didn't you?

Look. I went down a
path with a single mom,

and it fell apart at the
very moment your...

So when I see a woman
overcomplicating things, it hits a nerve.

I'm really sorry.

No, it... No, it's... I'm sorry.

I... Well, you know,
I-I didn't know.

You know, if I had, I... I certainly
would have, you know, called you a dope.

You think I'm overcomplicating
this? I am not overcomplicating this!

This is complicated! Okay? My
daughter is falling for this guy, okay?

I see her with him. I'm
falling for him with her.

And the way he makes her
feel affects the way that I feel.

- And I don't know whether...
- Excuse me!

I don't know whether I am
pursuing my own happiness,

or whether I am pursuing her
happiness, so it is complicated.

That could have been what was going
on with you and your single mom friend,

but-but the fact that it
never even occurred to you...

Well, that brings me quickly
back to dope! No offense!

Notwithstanding the very real possibility
that your feelings for this man...

are inextricably bound
up with his relationship

with your daughter,
it's a third date!

Third dates aren't
complicated! You just

decide whether you
wanna sleep with him or not!

Right! Right! Which brings
me right back to get out!

You get out! This is my office!

But you're the girl, and after
the fight, the girl always runs out!

Yet another opinion
best not revealed.

I'll see ya.

This wasn't punishment.

This was about trying to get
her to be a better executive.

But, Mr. Horace, a seminar
to make her more feminine?

We were trying to soften her.

She was alienating the male employees.
It was compromising productivity.

These seminars teach people how to
cultivate loyalty and incentive to perform.

Holly is a smart woman.

But for the men to refuse to work
with her or for her, it was a problem.

Holly's problem. And I was
trying to help her address it.

You sent three other female
executives to this Bully Broad seminar.

With excellent results.
They all thanked me for it.

Ever send any men to these
camps to make them softer?

No. But I haven't had complaints
about my male executives.

So it's okay for a man to be a
tough boss, but not a woman?

Any boss has to be able
to motivate, not alienate.

- That didn't answer my question.
- - Is there a double standard?

Perhaps. But I can't change that.
What I can do is learn to deal with it.

And by dealing with it, you mean
making the women become softer.

Helping women to be
liked. By being softer?

Well... yes.

Thank you.

I have to admit, Mr. Horace,
this doesn't seem quite fair.

If we're too feminine, we get
punished for that too, don't we?

- Wh-What do you mean?
- Oh, come on.

If I were to spray myself with perfume,
that could seem a little calculating.

And if I were to flirt, or come
on to a man, that's inappropriate.

I know girls who like to reach
over men, say, to get something.

All right, Your Honor.
Let the record reflect...

she just grazed my johnson.

I'm sorry. There are
all sorts of ways...

women use their feminine
wiles in the workplace.

Where do you draw the line between
being too imperious and too feminine?

Where do you say a
woman should be softer?

When do you decide
she needs this seminar?

From my perspective, if she is deeply
hated by everybody, she needs the seminar.

That seems fair.

So, the number to the
bar is-is on the refrigerator.

And, uh, again, uh, Maddie's
bedtime is, uh, is 9:00.

And if for any reason
you need to, uh...

Is she getting any
of this? No, but I am.

All right. Um, you
know, am I, um,

being worse than Bonnie,
going out every night?

It's only two nights.
No, I know. I know.

But I just... I feel... I feel
guilty. I just... I think a mom...

If it all works out with
Victor, it'll all be worth it.

Honey, it might not
work out with Victor.

I know.

Now, we are at the very... Shh!

The blue color just kind of puts
you right in the tropics, doesn't it?

Does-Does she...

Okay.

Good night, my love. Good night.

Hey. Hey. Hi, Maddie.

You look awesome.

No, I just... Really?

No, I... You know, I just,
um... Actually, I really...

I didn't even have time to get ready.
I just, uh, got home from work and...

Ready?

Ready.

She totally controlled
you in there, John.

The-The fingers
running through the hair.

Well, why didn't you object? John, we
went to that Mexican restaurant to get you,

because this is a
case for the Biscuit.

Where's the Biscuit?
"Where's the Biscuit"?

Now that sounds like
a fun game. Can I play?

- What do you want?
- What do I want?

I could be here to give up and present
you with a check for a million dollars.

Show of hands.
Who thinks that's it?

Or I could be delivering a
summons and complaint.

Can you accept service
for your firm, John?

What is this? I represent
Jerome Trouper.

He's suing Cage, Fish and McBeal
for interference with marital relations.

Evidently, your people wedged a
distrust between my client and his fiancée.

- You can't sue for that.
- Oh, but I have.

I'm pretty sure I'm
driven by the merits.

Or, I could just be inventing ways
to get into a room with you, John.

Well, you're in the room
with me now, youngster,

and you're gonna
know I'm in that room.

Now, on the other case,
I think we can settle.

Let's hear it. Not now.

Why don't you stop by Jersey's Gym
tonight on your way home from work.

We'll put the
whole matter to bed.

9:00?

John, we have to
get that little bitch.

Have no fear,
Nelle. She is a bagel.

A bagel?

I meant to say toast. No fear.

♪ In the still of the night ♪

♪ I held you, held you tight ♪

♪ 'Cause I love... ♪

I don't know why you're so glum,
Jerome. I've dropped the demand.

It's just... It brings up
an old issue, Claire.

I don't believe you
think I really love you.

I think you think our
relationship is purely physical.

That's not just it, Jerome.

The fact is that I love our
quiet moments together.

Reading a book next to
you beside an open fire.

Rubbing each other's feet.

I mean, while it's true that I
enjoy playing hot dogs and buns,

it's... it's what's
inside that counts.

♪♪

Hi.

Yeah, right in aerobics.

John! You came.

I knew you would. Look, Liza.

If you wanna get serious
about a settlement...

I'm dripping wet.
Let me change first.

Or, better yet, why don't
you meet me at the hot tub?

We can discuss it
there. No, no, no. I don't...

You can get trunks at
reception. You'll love it.

♪♪

♪♪

♪ There is someone ♪

♪ Walking behind you ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Look at me ♪

♪ And there is someone ♪

♪ To love and guide you ♪

Wanna leave? Where will we go?

Motel 6. We leave the lights on.

How about I just take
you back to my place?

Maddie's there. Oh, but, see, I
had a lock installed on my door.

Well, Ally? Yes?

I installed it.

Oh. Right.

Right.

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Look at me ♪
You okay?

- ♪ Turn around ♪
- Hmm? Sure. Sure.

♪ Look at me ♪♪

It's not my way of doing
business, youngster.

Just get in.

Hot! It's hot! A little hot!

I've got three more
female executives...

who swear by the Bully
Broad program, John.

They're ready to testify. The fact
that your client refused to even try it...

It's gender biased. She was
under no obligation to try it.

Give me your foot. Why?

'Cause you seem all
stiff. I know reflexology.

Oops! You tried to drown me!

I'm sorry. Did you swallow
water? I can Hoover it right out.

Never mind! Talk
chicken or I'm gone.

"Talk chicken"? I meant to
say "turkey." Just move along.

Do I rattle you? Just talk!

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Right on, mmm ♪

♪ Keep right on doin' it ♪

♪ You got it together ♪

♪ Baby, keep on ♪

♪ Oh, you got it together baby ♪

♪ Right on ♪

♪ Keep on doin' it ♪

♪ I get it, baby
Oh, did I get it ♪

♪ You got it together
Baby, keep on ♪

♪ I swear you got
it together, baby ♪

♪ Keep on, keep on ♪

♪ Whenever, wherever ♪♪

Look at that. The
bald spot's gone!

Need me to drive her
home? Oh, I don't know.

She got here by
herself. I don't...

Mary Ellen, we're home.

Okay, see, I pay, uh,

$15 an hour for
these watchful eyes.

Hey, Mary...
Mary Ellen, we're...

Mary Ellen?

Victor, I have a bad
feeling about Mary Ellen.

Even if you got three years'
earnings, that's 532,000.

The present day value
of that is less. Mmm!

Plus, if we settle some of this under her
emotional distress claim, that's tax free.

She comes out ahead
taking 350, John.

You're forgetting punis.

Who told you? Told me what?

That I love... that word.

Some people
call me little, but...

I like to refer to
myself as puny.

Oh. There's something
erotic about that word, John.

Have you ever been called puny?

Not with good results, no.

You're taking advantage
of me, aren't you?

Uh...

I-I-I know what you're doing.
You're doing your little Lolita thing.

You're trying to rattle
me as a trial attorney.

I thought I didn't. Didn't what?

Rattle you. You don't!

My johnson! Wasn't it great?

This meeting is over.
Four hundred. Final offer.

You bit off more than
you could chew. Tease.

How-How does rigor
mortis set in so fast?

They figured she must have died as soon as
we left the house. Was it a heart attack?

I think she checked
out during Fear Factor.

Careful. Are you okay?

I'm fine. I-I know that,
um... that this is hard.

Can I get a kitten? No. No, no.
Go-Go back up to bed, and, uh...

No. No. Mmm... I'll be up soon.

Turn her the other way.

Oh, Victor, it doesn't look like
tonight's gonna be the night.

Doesn't look that way.

Ally, are you okay? No.

No, it's the third date thing.

You know, I-I just want
the sex to be over with.

Oh, what?

You've never seen a woman who
wants to have the sex part over with?

Well...

No, you... you
can't, uh, sue us.

There's no basis for, uh, uh...

- You broke them up.
- Look, Liza.

We're lawyers. It's our job to
make people hate each other.

You can't hold us
liable for... Look, Fishy.

May I call you Fishy?

Oh, well, that...

I realize that this
little law firm of yours...

has something against love.

None of you are
in relationships.

One of your senior partners
is getting all wigged out,

because she can't get past
first base with a plumber.

And the rest of you can't
so much as get a date.

I have no problem with that.

You're each entitled
to your lonely lives.

But when you start
to wreak havoc...

between two innocent
people who do believe in love...

Two people like... Like
Claire and Jerome...

I'm sorry. I just...

I get a little
overly sentimental.

Oh, well, it's...

Yeah, but... I'm a
sap for romance.

Don't talk to her.

And don't talk to
him. Yeah... Oh!

Keep your mouth shut...

and I'll drop the lawsuit.

We have to be
able to advise her.

You talk, you lose.

Oh, she's vicious!

Your Honor, to hold a law firm liable for
drafting a prenup... it's unconstitutional.

And the fact that Ms. Bump didn't even
show up for this hearing is indicative.

She knows she has no case. She only filed
this action because she has nothing else...

Sorry I'm late. I'm in trial on the
third floor. I rushed up here on a break.

I didn't even have time
to read the pleadings.

What is this, a
motion to dismiss?

Yes, Ms. Bump. This
would be a motion to dismiss.

Where do you get off suing a law
firm for performing legal services?

Oh, that. Well,
I've no problem...

with a lawyer
drafting a prenup...

if the client so asked for one.

But here, the client...
Oh, there she is.

- Hi, Claire.
- Hello.

She didn't ask them, Your
Honor. They asked her.

They persuaded her. They
planted the seed of distrust.

Now, I know that's
what lawyers do...

Take a happy situation
and make it acrimonious.

That's how we
heat our pools. Fine.

But if they're going to do that,

how about allowing
the other side...

to at least have
a lawyer present?

They pulled in my client without counsel
and tried to strong-arm this prenup.

That just isn't
moral. I'm sorry.

I may be young, but I
know right from wrong.

- Is that true, Mr. Fish?
- What?

You didn't advise him
to get his own attorney?

Uh, bygones, Judge. Res ipsa.

- I beg your pardon?
- Sidebar, Your Honor?

Quickly, 'cause I am in trial.

We'll drop our claim
right here if all members

from Cage, Fish and
McBeal cease and desist...

- That means stop...
- No, uh... Cause.

From dissuading Ms. Otoms
from marrying my client.

Certainly a prenup...

Well, the prenup is moot.
Ms. Otoms doesn't want it.

All that's needed here is
to enjoin the evildoers...

from engaging in their
pugnacious dissuasion.

That seems fair.

- Wait a second.
- Agreed.

Okay, then. The
case will be dismissed.

You people are gagged
from tryin' to talk her out of it.

Thank you, Your Honor.

Huh.

Not one of your colleagues would
consider a move? Not to this firm.

What happened with Todd
Merrick? Oh, it didn't work out.

Ally, I have three possible
sitters, all in good health.

Ah. Good. Good.

Hi.

Thought it didn't
work out. It didn't.

Can we talk for a sec?

Why were you in
the bar last night?

Look, my therapist says that the
inner me is... How do I put this?

A dick? Actually, yes.

That's the exact word he used.

See, half of me wants
to bury this side of me,

while the other half
seeks to out myself...

as a way of purging
my... dickedness.

And which part of
you feels the need...

to be liked at the
end of the day?

I'm-I'm just wondering
why you're here.

Experience tells me that
it's a certain kind of woman...

who can expose
me for my dicked self.

So, before you get
any further with this guy,

who thus far you're too
paralyzed to go any further with,

I'm here to ask you
out. What did you say?

You heard me. I
asked you out. Why?

Because I like to
fight. I love neurosis.

And I see you as someone I
can live miserably ever after with.

I mean that in a... good
way. You push my buttons.

I don't want to be anywhere near
your buttons. Then why the signal?

What? That you sent me.

I did not. Liar.

Hey! You know when
you're the most dishonest?

The idea that this current
stalemate with whoever...

is being caused by practical
concerns for your daughter.

You're not a practical person,
Ally... never have been, never will be.

I never said anything about
practical concerns. Did too.

I did not. Did too!

I did not. Did too!

Okay, we are done
here. Look, Ally...

No. No, no. I will not look.

Bye. Sure. Look at her run.

Girl!

You're gonna need to learn
to ignore whatever I say last.

When it was first
suggested to me, I scoffed.

You scoffed? Yes.

The idea of a Bully Broad
camp to soften me? Please.

Were you having trouble
with your employees?

Yes, and I just chalked
it up to discrimination.

When a man is tough,
they call him a leader.

With a woman? She's a bitch.

- But nevertheless, you did go.
- I did.

And much to my
shock, I loved it.

Why? Well, it made me realize...

Here I was in a man's
world, trying to be like a man.

Who says I should be like a man?

Who's to say a woman can't
succeed bein' like a woman?

Did the program help you as
an executive? Very much so.

I was better able to
relate to my employees,

the workplace became less
hostile, and productivity went up.

Even so, to be required to attend a
seminar... Didn't you object to that?

Oh, please. Executives are
sent to seminars all the time.

As time commitment
goes, this was puny.

I'm sorry. Did you say...

puny?

Are you okay? Can I help?

No, damn it! Just...

Oh, objection, Your Honor.
She did that on purpose.

She got me to snap at her so
she could just stand there like Heidi,

looking all upset over Bambi
getting killed or something.

Move to... Uh...
Oh, j-just forget it.

Ms. Bump, are you all right?

If I may, Your Honor?

She thinks that if she cries,
she won't be considered tough,

and lawyers are supposed
to be tough... so say men.

You're a woman, dear. It's
okay to show your feelings.

Oh, this is rich.

Ten minute break.

- Why have you brought him here?
- Well, uh,
we need to reconcile, Claire.

He broke my trust.
Did no such thing.

No, ma'am. Did not.
You sued my lawyers!

You went behind my back, Jerome!

Maybe we're not right for
each other. Maybe we're not!

Okay, that's enough!
Look, we did this.

The lawyers. This whole
thing started with us.

It's not as simple as that, Corretta.
If such a minor little thing like this...

can cause him to overreact
in the way that he is...

Overreact? You wanted to add a
failure clause to a wedding contract.

- Look at him blink!
- I'm blinking at the idea
of marrying you!

Well, perhaps I don't
want to marry you!

Well, fine! I'll take the bottle of
champagne and christen another yacht!

Oh. Uh... Yeah.
Jerome? Little tip, buddy.

Women don't like
to be called yachts.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Just came by to check on
you, see how you're doin'.

You okay? Yeah.

How's Maddie?
Mmm, she's surviving.

She's still working
me for a new kitten.

Hmm.

You know, Victor, um...

Do you think there's a reason
why this isn't happening for us?

You're overthinking it.

Uh, maybe.

You know, my mother always
used to say that when it's right,

everything just falls
into place, and...

nothing's falling
for us, Victor.

My mother told me
when it's right, just trust it,

and don't be thrown
by fear or by nerves...

and don't be thrown
by dead babysitters.

Maybe my mother should call
your mother and work this thing out.

You think?

Listen, I just came
by to ask you to lunch.

And then after that?

Could think of a few things.

But I would be happy
just to be with you,

just to maybe hold your hand.

What do you say? Sure.

Mmm. Noon? Okay.

All right. See you later.

You said the seminar
made you a better leader?

- That's correct.
- By teaching you
to be more feminine?

By teaching me to use
my God-given femininity.

- Yes, Liza?
- What the...

Though I believe
very much in God,

I don't think we should exclude
people on the basis of faith.

I agree. Let me rephrase.

The seminar taught me
to use my innate femininity.

Mmm. And by using it, you
mean being demure? Yes.

Submissive? Well, the willow
tree can seem submissive,

but actually it's quite strong.

Did the seminar teach
you to cry sometimes?

It taught us to use our emotion
instead of trying to conceal it.

- Rather than demand, cry?
- Sometimes.

Ms. Forrester, do you
believe we are the weaker sex?

No. Actually, I think
we're stronger...

when it comes to compassion
and empathetic skills.

And using those skills...

By using those skills, you
mean act weak, don't you?

I can see you're
getting frustrated.

Let's examine our goals and see if
we can't find a way to achieve them.

Mmm.

All right. I think
we have to face it.

The Mouseketeer is
mopping the floor with us.

- I thought you people were good.
- - We are.

- This is the big muffin?
- I'm toast!

Uh... She's toast.
I'm the Biscuit.

We're not beaten.
I'm the Biscuit.

What was her last offer? 400.

Let's grab it. No!

Yes.

I want out.

Wh-What do you
mean, the wedding is off?

Well... Wh-Wh-What happened?

That little Lolita brought a suit
against us over the prenup business.

What? She's good,
Ally. She made...

Wh-Wh-Where...
Where is, uh, Claire?

Last seen, the unisex.

Claire? Claire?

Oops.

No, I'm-I'm... I'm really okay.

Yeah, okay. Well, let's
lie down on the couch.

No, no, no, no. I'm not gonna lie
down with you. I don't even know you.

Wow.

Is she all right?
Bonk on the head.

Hey! Hey.

Hey, Victor. This is Todd.

Todd, this is Victor. Hi.

Hi. So Todd, um,

creamed me on the head, um,
with the bathroom door, and...

You okay? Yeah. Yeah,
I'm fine. Did you meet Todd?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, we just met.

Did not. Did too.

You know, before
he hit me on the head,

he... he hit on all of
me, 'cause I'm neurotic.

Get her on the
couch. Oh, brother!

Listen to the men.

"Get her on the couch."
They all want to bed me down.

I'm awesome in bed. Did
you know that? No, I didn't.

Excellent. I've often wanted to
wear a little sign around my neck.

"You've seen me dance.
Now watch me fornicate."

Ally, don't talk. I
sniffed Victor's ass once.

There's a doctor on the
second floor. She's coming up.

It's not that I still
don't want to settle.

It's just... Just what? Okay.

This is a settlement conference, so
anything said in here is sealed, right?

Of course.

I'm having some trouble separating
my desire to serve my client...

and my desire to
serve John... sexually.

And given that the trial is
going so well in my favor,

I'm worried how it would look
if I were to settle at this point.

Wouldn't people think that I
was giving you special favors?

Look, you little vixen.

You put an offer of
$400,000 on this table.

Which you rejected. And it's no
longer on the table. I'll give you two.

200? I am through fooling
around with you people.

The longer this trial goes,
the worse it gets for you.

If you let it keep going, your
client will end up having to pay us.

I'm sure you used to be good.

Today? You try cases
like a mariachi singer.

And you?

Love your hair.

200 till the end of business.
Then it goes to one.

Oh, I am going to get her!

♪♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, yeah ♪

♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo hoo, yeah ♪

♪ Well, not too
long ago in 1944 ♪

♪ When every mother's
son was goin' off to war ♪

♪ They had to lift
their spirits high ♪

♪ High ♪ ♪ For Uncle Sam,
motherhood and apple pie ♪

♪ Instead of spendin'
money that they didn't have ♪

♪ In hot spots in the Bronx ♪

♪ They went to hear that
kind of jazz ♪ ♪ Jazz ♪

♪ You hear in
funky honky tonks ♪

♪ It made you want to jump,
shout ♪ ♪ Jump, shout ♪

♪ Knock yourself out ♪♪
Whoa, ho, ho.

Hold up. Hold up.

I'm sorry, evildoer. This
is a closed rehearsal.

What are you
rehearsing for, Jerome?

I know you had a big party
planned. Is the party still on?

I don't need two to
tango. The wedding is off.

Can I speak with you for a
second? Ah! The judge gagged you.

From dissuading you. If I
have something positive to say...

Oh, no, no. Evildoers
don't say nice things.

One minute, Jerome?

Take a break, girls.

Jerome... She ended it.

Only because... Look,
she doesn't trust it, okay?

If she did, she wouldn't have been
so easily influenced by the evildoers.

And you didn't plant
the seed of distrust.

You just brought out doubts
she must have harbored.

I promise you.
It wasn't like that.

It was just as Liza Bump said.
We pushed her on the prenup.

People can't be pushed in directions
they don't wanna go, Corretta.

I'm not sure I agree with that,
Jerome. But even if it were so,

right now I'm pushing you in a
direction I think you're desperate to go.

Thank you, Doctor. Probably
wouldn't be a bad idea to get some rest.

I'll make sure she does.

I'm... I'm fine. I'm a little
embarrassed, but, um...

What do you say I
just take you home?

How about, uh, you
and I go out tonight?

We'll find a babysitter
who's young and healthy,

and she'll still be alive
by the time we get home.

Sure you're up to it? Mmm. Mmm.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Hmm.

I canceled the interviews.

Oh. Well, I-I... I
guess then I'll, uh...

- The leading candidate,
however, is still here.
- Who?

- Me.
- Oh. Sorry. I'm not
hiring stalkers this week.

You feelin' okay? I'm fine.

- No, I'm fine.
- Good.

Then, uh, can I have a minute?

Sorry again about
the head whack...

and the hitting
on... all of you.

If this ship
hasn't sailed, uh...

Now that I'm taking my
hat out of the boyfriend ring,

I'd love to toss it back
into the lawyer circle.

I think this would be
a great place to work.

Hmm. Yeah, it is.

But I'm passing, but
thank you for your interest.

Ally, at the risk of
sounding immodest...

You're the best lawyer
available, but I'm still passing.

May I ask why?
Because I choose to.

Look, Ally, if you're
excluding people from

the pool because
they're attracted to you...

No. That isn't it. I think
that is it, and a good leader...

You're gonna tell me how to lead?
I'm telling you what you already know.

You don't know what
I know. But you do.

Minute's over. Why
are you so threatened?

I'm-I'm... You
don't threaten me!

You don't like people that
challenge you. All right. Get out.

There it is... The
"get out" card.

Do you play that in your
personal life too? I said out!

- I'm going.
- Good. And don't come back
to apologize.

I won't. Nothing
to apologize for.

Oh, and Ally?

Have a lovely, uncontested life.

Mr. Cage?

Mr. Cage?

The defendant didn't seek to
make my client friendlier or nicer. No.

The goal here was to
make her more feminine.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
there's a word for that.

"Sexgism." Uh, not...

Ism... Uh, sex... Sexism.

And this was blatant sexism.

He didn't send the aggressive
men off to any camp.

No. Just the tough women.

Because women shouldn't
be tough, should they?

What message does this
send to our daughters?

That if you want
something, be weak,

cry for it, act demure?

Look at this young
woman. She's obviously an

intelligent, fiercely
competitive litigator.

Yet she chose to offer tears in
this courtroom as her best strength.

Because that's just what the
weaker sex should do, isn't it?

Be soft so society
will like you.

And that is her message,
ladies and gentlemen.

Well, I believe women can
compete in a man's world.

They can be just as tough
as men in the workplace,

and they have the right
to be just as ruthless.

And if society has a problem
with that, well, then the 12 of you...

You need to send a
message to society.

But if not for society,

then for our daughters.

You tell the young
people, like Liza Bump,

they have the
right to be strong.

They don't have to go
through life weak, less than.

This isn't about getting women
to perform in a man's world.

This is about teaching women that
it doesn't have to be a man's world.

So many women today are
aggressive, belligerent, ruthless,

because our culture values these
masculine traits as leadership.

Why can't female traits...

such as emotion,
empathy, connectedness...

Why can't these things be
signs of good leadership?

As long as we continue to attach such
value to dominance and aggression,

we're gonna end up
with a man's world,

and that is sex... ist.

Let's place a premium
on emotional intelligence,

on the ability to
mediate instead of fight,

to feel as well as think.

We might not only have more of a woman's
world, we might turn out better companies.

That's what was being proposed to the
plaintiff. But she didn't even want to try.

She just dropped her gloves,
sued, and said let's have a fight.

How manly.

Well, uh, you know, from
what Corretta tells me,

I think that it really needs to be
you who goes and fixes things, Claire.

I don't know. What do you mean?

Ally, there is something that
nobody really knows about me.

Uh... Wh-What?

Well... I'm slightly over 50.

And Jerome and
I, we argue a lot.

I'm too old to fight.
I just can't do it.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm
getting the reflux again.

You know, um...
Claire, the-the... Well...

Oh.

Uh, Claire... Um... Well,
I'm certainly no expert,

but, um, I-I really believe
that where there is fighting,

there's usually passion.

And it's the couples
that don't fight,

the ones who... who don't
get under each other's skin,

the ones who don't, you know,
get up in each other's faces...

Those are the ones
who drift apart. And I...

I personally don't think
that I could even be in

a relationship that
wasn't a little combative.

Do you and Victor fight? No.

No. No, never.
Um... Well, we're new.

What about that other one?

The other one? The
oth... There is no other one.

I mean Larry...

The one who ground
your heart into a fine pulp.

Oh. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well,
Larry and I, we used to go at it a lot.

And you loved him.

I'm over Larry.

No, what I am trying
to say, Claire, is that I...

think that you need
to go to Jerome.

I think the two of you still want to get
married, and I think you need to go to him.

Maybe so.

Oh, I wish I could look at
love as clearly as you can.

Madame Foreperson, has
the jury reached a verdict?

- We have, Your Honor.
- What say you?

On the matter of Richardson
versus Price Communications,

we find in favor of the plaintiff,
and order the defendant...

to pay damages in the
amount of $610,000.

Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury... Well, we won.

We're adjourned. Yes, we did.

Well, you proved your
point, Holly. Congratulations.

Thank you. Thank
you, John. My pleasure.

John? Quite a match. Indeed.

I just want you to know,
for whatever it's worth,

there's always a nugget of
truth in all my courtroom antics.

Oh, really? And where was
the nugget in all this nonsense?

I think you're hot.

Are you attracted
to Todd Merrick?

I didn't say I was
attracted to him.

I'm just wondering
whether or not he was right.

Right for you.

No. Whether or
not he was right...

about me being adverse to people
who challenge me because I just, I don't...

I don't want to be that. I mean,
that's boring. Don't you think?

Are you afraid Victor will be
boring? No. This is not about Victor.

Then what is it about? This is about
whether or not Todd Merrick is right.

For you. No.

Okay. Look, Ally,
this is what I know.

Victor is amazing.
He's sexy. He's smart.

Complete opposite of me.

And Todd Merrick is just
like you. No, I didn't say that.

Ally, you haven't
even slept with Victor.

You're hardly in what I would
call a serious relationship yet.

Is there some reason
you can't see other people?

Well, we just haven't
discussed that.

Are you sure Victor isn't
seeing other women?

Well, I'm-I'm not positive...

Look, why don't you just go out on
one date with Todd? Is that so terrible?

Well, I don't want
to blow Victor.

Have. Have. I don't want to
blow what I have with Victor.

And what exactly do
you have with Victor?

It's just that... It
would destroy Maddie.

Is that the issue?

Ally. I mean, nothing
against plumbers,

but you've always dated lawyers.

There's probably
a reason for that.

You likely do have more
in common with Todd.

And for whatever reason, you
can't stop thinking about him.

Claire, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and
guess that you still want to get married.

Maybe I do.

Or maybe I'm just showing
you what you'll be missing.

Well, if that were the case, you'd
be standing there in your negligee.

Well, even if you
were ready for that,

there's the rest of the
world to think about.

Jerome, why are you in the bar,

practicing songs for our
reception, if the wedding is off?

I like to sing. It helps me
deal with my emotions.

Jerome, tell me what
this is really about.

It can't be about my
doubts. I don't have any.

It must be about your
doubts. What are you afraid of?

I guess that it won't last.

But isn't every
couple afraid of that?

Shouldn't every couple be?

But I guess, you know, going
in with doubts, it's-it's thrown me.

Jerome, I love you
with all my heart.

And I love you.
Then... let's get married.

How 'bout this?

Let's get engaged. Let's
have a celebrated engagement.

We can plan a big wedding.
We could get married in June.

In June, all my buds
come into season.

Do you think we'll really
work? Of course I do.

But we won't know
until we take the step.

June it is.

All right. So this wedding is canceled,
but it's still on? Pushed to June.

They're actually having their
engagement party at the bar tonight.

I thought maybe we would stop
by on our way home. Mmm. Fine.

Or not. Whatever.

What?

You just go with the
flow, don't you, Victor?

I try to. Why? Well, I just...

I mean, do you really think
that we're that much alike?

- What's goin' on?
- Nothing is going on.

Ally, you're startin' to act a little
nervous again. I thought we were past this.

No, I'm just trying to get to
know you a little better, that's all.

After all, we don't know that much
about each other. Well, here I am. Ask.

Okay. Well, are you
seeing anybody else?

Am I seeing anybody else?

I find when people
repeat the question,

it's because they're trying to
buy time to figure out an answer.

Well, the answer's no.
I'm not seeing anyone else.

Great. I mean, it's not
like I would be upset.

I mean, I wouldn't have
the right to be upset,

because we're not exactly exclusive,
and, you know, when people date,

it's because, you
know, they-they date.

Are you seeing anyone else?

No. No, no, no, no.

Uh, no. No. No! No! No!

But if I were to, how
would you feel about that?

Do you want to see somebody
else, Ally? Uh, well, no. No.

It's real simple. If you wanna see
somebody else, see somebody else.

What do you want me to say?
You could put up a small fight.

I don't fight. What's the
reason... I know. I know.

You don't fight, Victor. Mm-mmm.
See, I'm used to combative relationships.

I don't think that I could actually be with
somebody who just bends with the wind,

even if it's my wind
they're bending to.

I just think that couples
communicate better when they fight.

Fighting brings out the
truth. It brings out hurt.

It exposes all these
feelings, and you don't fight.

Everything with you, Victor,
is just fine, fine, fine, fine, fine.

We finally are on our way
to go home and make love,

and we don't, because of
the stupid dead babysitter,

and you're fine about that too.

I mean, you're just,
"Que sera, que sera."

Well, I am not a "que
sera" kind of woman.

What?

You know what, Ally?
Maybe you're right.

See? See? I tell you that we are
completely wrong for each other,

and you tell me
that maybe I'm right.

Now what the hell
kind of answer is that?

What do you want me
to do? Tip the table over,

throw my napkin down
and walk out of here?

Would that make you feel better?
Well, that would be something.

Well, I'll give
you part of that.

Good-bye.

Taxi!

How dare you walk out
on me! You're a wacko, Ally.

Why? Because I think it's healthy for
a relationship to be a little contentious?

If you start fights for the sake
of havin' 'em, yes. I didn't do that.

What's your problem? You're
not comfortable being comfortable.

You're not happy
unless you're miserable.

Now it's all coming out.
You're a bigot! A bigot?

Yes, against wackos. I'm done!

You wanna date somebody else, date somebody
else, but don't set me up as the reason.

You don't need to
justify it to me. Just do it!

There you go, making
everything all simple again.

And there you go, refusing
to let it be simple. Taxi!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're not going anywhere.

You're not going anywhere. Get in
the car! We'll fight on the way home.

1412 Dalton Lane,
fast as you can!

- Hey!
- Taxi!

Hey, stop, stop,
stop! Stop, stop!

Hey! You come back
here, you chicken!

You coward! Come back here! Hey!

Taxi!

- Are you crazy?
- Yes! Yes, I'm crazy!

Hello.

Still no answer?

No. He won't pick
up. He's a baby.

You know, Ally, I would never
dare to pick another fight, but...

seems to me like you
sabotaged this whole thing.

No, I... I-I didn't. I've only heard
your version, yet I'm taking his side.

What? You enjoy
fighting, don't you?

I am a lawyer.

Yeah. Yeah. See, that's
the thing about Victor,

is he just... He
just goes with it.

- Bastard.
- Bastard.

What did you say? I said
"bastard." It was a joke.

What? No, it's just, uh...

You know, sometimes you
remind me of my old boyfriend.

Oh. Yeah, I love
it when I do that.

Yeah, that's what
it is. What what is?

Oh, you just stirred up all
these memories about Larry,

and so Victor,
whatever he is, is...

not Larry.

Big love, this Larry? Yeah.

So it's possible that Victor
was the rebound relationship,

the setup guy, for me.

Night, Todd.

Uh, so no sex for me either?

Oh, no. No, no. I, uh... Sitter.

Sitter.

Hi.

Don't tell me you're
going back to the band.

Well, I made a commitment,
youngster. That means something.

You'll perhaps realize that
once you turn five feet tall.

Again with the short jokes.

Why are you here?

Well, you're a legend,

and I just want to say it was an honor
to finally go up against your johnson.

You just don't drop it, do you?

Why are you going
back to that restaurant?

I saw your eyes during
closing. You love it.

Liza,

there's a whole other world
outside of that courtroom.

I would encourage
you to sample it.

It's a pretty big office
to just walk away from.

I'll be back.

Actually, I'm looking to sublet.

Sorry? My office.

Ever think about
joining a law firm?

Me? I don't like people.

That's a lie, isn't it?
You're good, Liza.

It's not like me to invite
another lawyer into my void.

If I were to even
consider coming here,

it would only be
to learn from you,

and if you're not
even gonna be here...

I said I'd be back, didn't I?

Wh... What are... What
are you doin' here?

You have bad luck
with babysitters.

This one had appendicitis.

Maddie couldn't get through
to you, so she called me.

Oh!

Well, is, uh, she asleep?

Yeah. And I'll send you my bill.

Victor, the reason that
Maddie couldn't reach me...

is because I was
trying to call you.

Listen, I know that I haven't talked
very much about Larry, but, um...

Well, other than...
than... You loved him.

Yeah.

Yeah, the thing
about him is that, uh...

He was neurotic, like me.

I mean, maybe not as
much, but he was certainly...

You know, and we
really got each other.

Our fears kind of coincided,
and-and our dreams just...

He sounds great. He is.

And this guy that I met...
Well, you met him too.

Um, Todd Merrick. Oh, yeah.
The one who was hittin' on you.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he kind of
reminded me a little of Larry.

And it, uh, triggered
some things that...

Well, there are things about
you that just aren't like that.

And I went out with Todd
and, uh, we had a beer,

and, uh, things became
really clear to me.

You're not Larry, and
you're never gonna be.

That all just kicked in?

No. That I already knew.

What finally
kicked in is that, uh,

I don't want Larry.

I don't want to be with a
man who's just like me.

I want to be with somebody who can give
me something that I can't attain by myself.

I want to share
differences with somebody.

I want you.

And that's what kicked in.

And, I... I don't know. I don't
know if we're meant to last or...

You know, I really don't
know anything at all,

except that right now, as
I'm standing here, I want...

you.

I'm tempted to agree with
you, but I'm afraid I'll set you off.

Well, given the time
and the opportunity,

I can pretty much
screw up anything.

I don't wanna screw this up.

♪♪

♪ I know I stand in line until
you think you have the time ♪

♪ To spend an evening with me ♪

♪ And if we go
someplace to dance ♪

♪ I know that there's a chance
you won't be leaving with me ♪

Oh!

In the end, love
wins out, doesn't it?

Makes me cream.

I heard John
offered Lolita a job.

What? Rumor has it.

Oh, my God! Is she
as good as they say?

Better.

I never said that.

♪ I can see it in your eyes ♪

♪ That you despise
the same old lies ♪

♪ You heard the night before ♪♪

♪ And though it's
just a line to you ♪

♪ For me it's true and
never felt so right before ♪

♪ I practice every day to
find some clever lines to say ♪

♪ To make the
meaning come through ♪

♪ Then I think I'll wait
until the evening gets late ♪

♪ And I'm alone with you ♪

♪ The time is right Your
perfume fills my head ♪

♪ The stars get red and,
oh, the night's so blue ♪

♪ And then I go
and spoil it all ♪

♪ By saying something
stupid like I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ I love you ♪♪

I'm so glad that's over. Me too.

Now we can just go back
to being normal. Finally.

Tell me the truth.

Were you as nervous as I was?

Truthfully? Mm-hmm.

No.

You're a jerk.

So, what do we do?
Do we just go to sleep?

What about Maddie? What if
she finds me here in the morning?

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Speaking of which, I'd better...

collect our clothes
in case she gets up.

Mmm. Mmm.

Ally. Wait a minute.

That was really nice.

♪ A certain smile ♪

♪ A certain face ♪

♪ Can lead an
unsuspecting heart ♪

♪ On a merry chase ♪

♪ But in the hush of night ♪

♪ Exactly like ♪

♪ A bittersweet refrain ♪

♪ Comes that certain smile ♪

♪ To haunt your heart again ♪♪

You stinker!