Ally McBeal (1997–2002): Season 4, Episode 8 - The Man with the Bag - full transcript

John?

Nelle. Hello.

Hi.

Everything all right?

Well, actually...

...no.

My father was just
let go from his job...

...and he's determined to bring suit
for wrongful termination.

It'll be a tough case.

You're the only one I know
who could conceivably win it.

Okay.



Why was he fired?

He...

...believes he's Santa Claus.

All right.

- His job was...?
- A schoolteacher.

He used to be a lawyer.

He retired from that at 65
and began teaching.

It's his life. If he can't teach...

Wouldn't it behoove him to
stop saying he's Santa Claus?

Well, yes.

But he really...

...thinks he is.

I'd like to bring an injunction
first thing.

Would you meet with him?



Yeah, sure.

Dad?

John Cage...

...my father.

A pleasure, John.

Mr. Claus?

Oh, please. Call me Kriss.

VONDA SINGS:
I've been down this road

The Man with a Bag

Walking the line
That's painted by pride

And I have made mistakes in my life

That I just can 't hide

Oh, I believe I am ready

For what love has to bring

I got myself together

Yeah, now I'm ready to sing

I've been searching my soul tonight

I know there's so much more to life

Now I know I can shine a light

To find my way back home

Oh, baby, yeah

Oh, yeah

First up,
the Christmas party tonight.

Again, we've rented out the bar.
Presence is required.

- Speaking of which, where's Nelle?
- Working on a new case. Move along.

It's always been tradition for us...

...to sing at the Christmas party.
Anyone with a number is free to sing.

After last year's nightmare, we've
decided to discontinue that tradition.

- Thank God.
- What happened last year?

Ally sang. Songs must now
be cleared in advance.

- Hey, I was good.
- Well...

John, Nelle needs you.

She said it's urgent.

Excuse me?

Mr. Claus... San...

Kriss.

We agreed you wouldn't dress
in the work clothes...

Why deny what I am?
I'm no lawyer.

Well, I used to be, and I was good...

...but once you start admitting
vulnerability on the merits...

...you're sunk.

And for me to try to disguise...

...or apologize for who or what I am...

The thing is, you have been discharged
for being delusional.

If we walk in
with you dressed like this...

...the judge will think
you are, in fact, delusional.

It may be his shortsightedness,
but he'll rule from it.

As your lawyer, I want you
to adhere to courtroom decorum.

Put on a coat and tie.

Wait outside, Dad.
I'll be right with you.

Are you sure it isn't Alzheimer's?

The doctors say it isn't. It's just
some kind of weird schizophrenia...

It happened last Christmas too.

- We'll need his doctor to testify.
- He's ready.

Nelle, are you doing him
any favor here by...

He happens to be a great teacher.

And it's the only thing
since my stepmother died.

Teaching is all he lives for.

- He doesn't live for you?
- Yes, but...

...the truth is, he's probably
closer to his 2nd graders...

...than to me.

He really thinks he's Santa Claus?

Apparently so.

You said I should decorate.

I did. But this is slightly...

...much.

Wait, you have to see it.

["WE ARE SANTA'S ELVES" PLAYS]

Okay?

Now, you...

...right...

...here.

- Perfect.
- What are you doing?

[MUSIC STOPS]

Now, that's the great one.

Look up.

I suppose this would be
where you kiss me?

Obviously this
has happened to you before.

This would be...

...where I kiss you.

Hi, Larry.

Jamie!

["WE ARE SANTA'S ELVES" PLAYS]

This is your office?

Ally, Jamie. Jamie, Ally.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Jamie is...

...an old girlfriend.

Ally would be the new one.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Nice to see you.
- Hi.

- What brings you?
- Business.

I'm in a deposition.
I fly out tonight.

I just thought I'd surprise you.

Seems I accomplished that.

- You're from out of town?
- Detroit.

Well, must be really cold in...

...Detroit.

- So you must be...
- Sam's mom.

- I've heard a lot about you.
- I've heard a lot about you too.

- You have?
- He loves you.

Jamie!

- You haven't told her?
- I was gonna let you break it.

Sorry.

Do you have time for coffee?

- No. I mean...
- Well...

You guys go and catch up.

I have to get back anyway and...

- I'll see you tonight.
- Absolutely.

Bye.

It was really nice to meet you.

You too.

Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Okay.

- She seems really sweet.
- Yeah, she is.

So you're happy?

- You left them there?
- What could I do?

Put that bitch back on a plane
to Detroit, that's what.

Renee.

You don't leave exes in the same room.

- Why was she even there?
- She's here on business.

- What does she look like?
- She's...

...really beautiful.

- I'm going over there.
- Renee!

Listen to me.

Nothing's hotter than making love
to someone you're not supposed to.

Ex-boyfriends. Ex-girlfriends.

Especially from out of town.
Especially around the holidays.

You still got a window.

He can say it was before
you and he got serious.

He can say it was before
you and he slept together.

I know men.

Why do you think I'm not with one?

She is in town on business.

She dropped over to say hello.

You will not go there.

What if he goes there?

Even if he were
adjudicated as delusional...

...there's no evidence it interferes
with his ability to work.

He thinks he's Santa Claus.

Maybe it's better for teachers
to think they're Santa...

...than Joan Crawford.

"The" Santa Claus?

If I think I'm Barry White, it doesn't
make me a less capable attorney.

We entrust him with our children.
A school is responsible...

If he is detrimental to the students,
that's one thing. But he is not.

- The one from the North Pole?
- Yeah, the one...

Do you know of another?

I'm not a judge
you can get snappish with.

If he were the Easter Bunny, I admit,
it might be a problem. But...

Mr. Cage!

At minimum, I insist
on an evidentiary hearing...

...to see if he poses a risk
before you snatch away his livelihood.

Look, if the man is so delusional...

One lousy hearing.
He'll bring you a toy.

Two o'clock.

- John!
- Ally, hi.

- This is...
- My father.

Daddy, Ally McBeal.

There's something in the store window.

Tell me if you like it.

- What was that about?
- Oh, it's...

- Where are you headed?
- Over to Larry's.

But I keep turning back and...

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing, really.

His ex-girlfriend's there.
She's in town for a day.

Big deal. Right?

They're old news, so I should be cool.
Mother of his child. So what?

She's in town for one day
and they're alone?

Yes.

I'm sure it's fine.

- Obviously you're not sure.
- I can't speak to this.

I don't know the depth
of your relationship.

Are you serious, you and Larry?

Very.

Without prying,
have you been biblical?

Why is that so important?

Can't we be serious
without the damn Bible?

I'm sure it's innocent.

Never mind.

Should old acquaintance be forgot

And...

Sing? You and me?

I'm tired of everyone else performing
with no attention coming to us.

- Coffee bean, we have no talent.
- So what?

When you see performers on TV, they're
lip-synching. We could do that.

- I don't know.
- You're senior partner, I'm first lady.

We should hog spotlight.

It has nothing to do with rebound.
I like your company.

It's a party.
I'd like you to be my date.

You'll be ashamed to be seen
with me and my promiscuity.

I won't, okay?

- What if I wear my Vi-Bra?
- Were you planning to?

I have made a few holiday adjustments.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Knock, knock.

Larry. Hey.

Was it weird?

Oh, well...

- Was it for you?
- A little.

Thanks for being a good sport.
You were very kind.

Well, she seemed nice.

She is.

Listen, she's...

...got a flight out tonight
at midnight.

I said it would be okay
if she came to the party.

Is it okay?

Sure.

I didn't know how to say no.

But if you're uncomfortable, I will.
She'll understand.

No, it's okay.

Just, no dancing with her.

Deal.

She's not here because she heard
you had a new girlfriend...

...and became jealous?

She dumped me.
I don't think she'd be jealous.

Not the answer you were looking for.

Let me repeat,
he's been a wonderful teacher.

The kids love him.
We all adore him, but he's delusional.

Should I wait until something
tragic happens to remove him?

Afraid he'll run his sleigh
through a red light?

I have a responsibility to make sure
my teachers are stable.

Assuming arguendo that any of us
are truly stable...

...has he exhibited behavior
indicating...?

- He thinks he's Santa!
- I don't mean who he is.

No. There have been no incidents yet.

Thank you, Mr. Gilda.

[TRAIN WHISTLES]

It's difficult enough to prevail
without choo-choo trains.

Are you trying to lose?

I thought the more we keep
the Christmas spirit alive...

...the better our chances.

This is a court of law.
That is a judge.

The spirit of Christmas does not live
in that room. What we need is sanity.

We need you to seem reasonable.

Can you be reasonable...?

Listen to me.

He thinks he's Santa Claus.

Mr. Porter...

...if this is a game,
it's time to call it off.

It's not a game. Though
the diagnosis doesn't exactly fit...

...his condition resembles
the disorder schizophreniform.

What is that, doctor?

It's similar to schizophrenia, except
the duration can be much shorter.

He suffered some delusional
problems a year ago.

Then they went away.

It's possible he could be having some
depression triggered by the holidays.

His wife died two years ago.

Mr. Porter is otherwise
a functional person?

- Totally.
- Now, doctor...

...has this disorder caused him
to behave in any way...

...that you consider
harmful to children?

No. In fact,
the symptoms seem to be...

...generosity, charity, kindness.
And he's more loving.

But this schizophreniform
is a very inexact disorder, isn't it?

Yes.

- Difficult to even predict behavior?
- I guess, but...

In fact there's little information
on the course of this disorder.

Objection! Counsel's questions
are designed to derive responses...

...that inure to the detriment
of my client's case.

It's really inappropriate...

Yes. Withdrawn.

Doctor, you said he suffered
delusions last Christmas as well?

Yes, but they were
much less pronounced.

He said he would have waves...

...where he thought
he was Santa Claus.

But the episodes lasted
10, 15 seconds at most.

- It's getting worse?
- Perhaps.

Has he suffered any other delusions?

One day in July...

...he thought he was Alvin.

- Alvin?
- The chipmunk.

- It's a disaster.
- It is?

Renee's right. Nothing's more
appetizing than an old girlfriend.

Look, I trust Larry, all right?

And if I didn't trust him, why
would I want to be with him?

I'm not jealous.

[KNOCKING]

Oh, Ally...

Jamie.

What?

Hi!

Ling, Jamie. Jamie, Ling.

[GROWLS]

Hi.

Have you got a second?

Sure. Ling was just...

...she was just leaving.

She's just...

I won't take much of your time.

Larry invited me to your party
out of courtesy.

He said it was okay with you...

...but I thought I'd better check.
Is it all right?

Sure.

It'll be fun.

Seriously, if it's at all awkward...

No. It'll be really nice
to get to know the...

...mother of his child.

- You think you two will get married?
- What?

No. Well, I mean...

No, we just... We just
sort of started, you know...

- Sleeping together?
- No, we...

I think it'll be okay if you come
to the party. It'll be great.

- It's insane.
- Ally.

Old girlfriends don't pop in only
to be invited to Christmas parties.

She was asking
if we were getting married.

That's pretty personal.

I think her agenda is to get you back.
Which is fine. She has that right.

I've tried to steal a few back.
I know the game.

But I'd be an idiot to welcome her
into my playing field.

And she is cute, with a good figure.

How many women have a baby
then still have a body like that?

You don't, unless you have a mission.

If her mission is you,
she won't succeed at my party.

- Ally.
- And she is really, really sweet.

Which actually threatens me
most of all, because I know I'm not.

I'll call Jamie and tell her
not to come.

You have her number?

She left me her cell.

No.

I'd feel foolish.
I'm okay with her coming.

Ally.

No, she should be there.
It wouldn't be the same without her.

Just...

...stay close to me.

We just have your testimony, some
brief statements, then he'll rule.

The judge says we can finish tonight.

Let's just do it then.

Likely to miss the Christmas party.

- Do you mind?
- I don't if you don't.

I don't exactly feel like celebrating.

Mr. Claus?

KRISS:
Please, John.

I asked you to call me Kriss.

Yes.

In preparation for your testimony,
just a couple of questions.

It's December 11 th.

Have you started making toys?

Are you nuts? I'm retired.

Who makes all the presents?

Toys "R" Us.

Parents buy them now. They also
take care of the distribution.

I have been basically pushed
into a forced retirement.

So you don't really count anymore?

Of course I count.

I'm something to believe in.

Flying reindeer.

Stockings stuffed on the mantlepiece.

The magic of Christmas.
The fantasy of it. Of course I count.

These times,
they need me more than ever.

Turn back, O man

Foreswear thy foolish ways

Old now is Earth
And none may count her days

Da, da, da, da, da

- The woman is all sex, isn't she?
- And more.

It's from Godspell.

Remember when we did Godspell
in college?

We did Godspell in college.

Ah. Uh-huh.

He was Jesus, which I'd call him
at home too, after the Second Coming.

Love her.

Jamie?

Oh.

God, I forgot. Sorry.

Forswear thy foolish ways

- Would you state your name?
- Santa Claus.

JOHN:
And where do you reside?

Wellesley, Massachusetts.

Are you employed?

I'm not. And that's what
this whole business is about.

I was a teacher until they fired me.

- And before you were a teacher?
- I was a lawyer.

And while you were
a practicing attorney...

...you still had time to make presents
for children all over the world?

That's correct.

- When did you find time to do that?
- In my sleep.

JOHN:
In your sleep?

PORTER:
I know it sounds fantastical.

But that's exactly what it was.

I'd be transported in my sleep
to another world.

A world with elves and workshops...

...and reindeer.

It was not in this reality.

But one night every year
on Christmas Eve...

...the two worlds would meet,
and I would give the toys...

...I'd made in that world
to children who lived in this one.

JOHN: Teaching, you're in this world?
PORTER: Oh, very much so.

This other world, this magical one...

...you go to that one in your sleep?

Not so much anymore. I'm retired.

- You tell 2nd graders you're Santa?
- I do.

How do they respond?

Mostly they ask for toys.

ATTORNEY: As Santa, you have to keep
track of kids all over the world?

PORTER:
That's correct.

- Do I have children?
- You have to ask?

I'm asking you, sir, because as
Santa, I'd expect you to know.

Do I have children?

Yes.

- How many?
- Three.

Sorry. I have four.

I was forgetting the baby.

I remembered Tommy, Wayne and Sarah.

And I forgot the baby. With a name
like Nicholas, I should remember.

Well, that's why
it's best that I retired.

Uh, okay.

What do they want for Christmas?

The list is endless.

And pretty diverse.

- Tell me one thing they want.
- To spend more time with their father.

Mr. Claus, do I have children?

One, Your Honor. A teenager.

He doesn't like you.

Obviously he went out and
looked up our bios.

- Or this is a trick.
- I object!

Accusations of chicanery
in court are serious.

- I demand to be mollified.
- Withdrawn.

Mr. Porter.

When students ask what day it is,
what do you say?

- I tell them it's Christmas.
- Every day?

Every day.

And is it Christmas today, sir,
or December 11 th?

Well, that depends.

On what?

Well, on whether you consider
the needs of children.

Or whether you remember the weakness
and loneliness of people growing old.

Or whether you can stop asking how
much your friends love you...

...and ask whether
you love them enough.

Then you may keep Christmas...

...every day.

Rockin ' around the Christmas tree
At the Christmas party hop

Mistletoe hung where you can see
Every couple tries to stop

Rockin ' around the Christmas tree
Let the Christmas spirit ring

She's pretty good.

Well, she studied dance, so...

I meant Elaine.

Oh, yeah, she is good.

- You okay?
- Me?

Sure.

Rockin ' around the Christmas tree
Have a happy holiday

It's a mistake to
follow this kind of talent.

Richard, we're good.
You've heard us.

Ling, that wasn't us.

It's our lips. If we sync them
perfectly, nobody'll know it's not us.

I think they'll suspect.
Look at her, she's good.

Jingle bells, jingle all the way

ELAINE:
Come on, Santa.

I was a good girl this year.

You know that's right.

It's about me.

Excuse me?

My favorite character when I was
a little girl was Alvin.

My birthday's in July.

One time we had
Alvin and the Chipmunks.

When my parents split up...

...the final straw, my father
had to be away on Christmas.

I cried and cried.

When he got home,
my mother laid into him...

...and they were separated
by New Year's.

And that has something to do
with him thinking he's Santa?

Well, you know,
Santa's everything to a kid.

It could be a delusion that...

I don't know.

Well, maybe it's fixable.
Maybe you two can have a relationship.

I wouldn't even know
how to talk to him.

The last time we had a real
conversation, I was...

...7 years old. The day he left.

In his testimony, he quoted
a poem by Henry Van Dyke.

What?

When he said through loving people,
you could keep Christmas every day.

That's from one of my favorite poems.
Henry Van Dyke.

If you can keep it for a day,
why not always?

Left out the last line, though.

Which was?

You can never keep it alone.

Hey, hey, Paula

I wanna marry you

Hey, hey, Paula

No one else could ever do

Is he kidding?

I'm not sure.

They've got to be kidding.

I don't know.

- For you

Hey, Paul

I've been waiting for you
Hey, hey, hey, Paul

I want to marry you too

Hey.

Need some help?

No. Maybe, yeah.

So?

So...

You okay?

Well, I suppose I've been better.

When I was with you.

I lied. There was no deposition.

I want to be a family again.

Jamie.

I've been reading about what breakups
do to kids long-term.

Sam seems okay...

...but what if he's not?

I think we should try again.

For Sam's sake?

And mine.

I still love you.

And I know you still love me.

True love means
Planning a life for two

You can count on me

There'll be snow and mistletoe

Do you think this is fair?

No.

I was on my way to work.

I saw the airport, and next thing
I know I'm boarding a plane.

Jamie, you and I were great
in situations like this.

- In a bar, or...
- In bed.

But we weren't compatible
in any other...

I wasn't jealous when you got married.

I was nothing but happy for you.

Then...

...last week when you spoke of her...

...and this morning in the office
when I saw her.

There's something different
about Ally, isn't there?

I knew. I could sense...

...I'd be losing you forever.

That's why I got on the plane.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I couldn't help but overhear.

Were you talking about Ally?

What do you want?

I just thought
you might want to know she left.

She went upstairs.
She said she'd be back, but I wonder.

Oh, by the way,
I'm not loving you as much.

[BELLS JINGLE]

He's ill.

The man thinks he's
a fictitious character.

Is there any question here? He's
entrusted with the care of children.

He has a psychological disorder.

It's getting worse.
He's already delusional.

Why are we debating this?

We're debating it because
he hasn't done anything wrong.

He's been fired...

...because of a fear
of what he may do.

Now, that's illegal.

Mr. Cage,
we're dealing with children.

The point is, do we
want to sit back and wait?

If tragedy were foreseeable,
the answer would be no.

But according to Dr. Shulman,
the symptoms of this...

..."progressive disorder," thus far
have been: Kindness, charity and love.

Quick, hit the panic button
before it escalates.

Come on, he thinks he's Santa Claus.

And forgive me.

Forgive me, Your Honor.

But has anybody proven he isn't?

I mean...

...who is Santa Claus?

There was this famous letter...

...to the New York Sun
in 1897...

...where an 8-year-old girl asked
the editor, "Is there a Santa Claus?

Because all my friends
tell me it's stupid to believe."

And the answer she got...

...was, "Santa Claus exists
as certainly as love...

...and generosity and devotion exist."

It went on to say:

"How could you not
believe in Santa?

How dreary.

You might as well
stop believing in fairies."

Is faith real?

Is glory?

Now, what about the magic
of a newborn baby?

Is that real?

The editor of this newspaper
said it best.

"Of course Santa Claus lives,
and thank God he lives.

May he live forever and ever
to make glad the heart of childhood."

Today he lives in the heart
of Henderson Porter.

His only crime has been bringing
extra wonder to his students...

...making their lives
a little more magical...

...a little more romantic.

Now, he's caused them
to keep Christmas every single day?

How much more of a Santa Claus
could anybody be?

Old Mr. Kringle
Is Still gonna jingle

The bells that'll tinkle
All your troubles away

Everybody's waiting for the man with
the bag, 'cause Christmas is coming

- He's gonna rule tonight?
- Eleven o'clock.

Gave us an hour.

What did I miss?

Larry and his ex-girlfriend got a bit
chummy. We think they left together.

What? Where's Ally?

She fled to her office.
Put a damper on the party.

Can we dance? I've still got
a little adrenaline from our number.

Well, I thought we'd have sex.

Everybody's waiting for the man with
the bag, Christmas is here again

LARRY:
Catching up on a little work?

No, you two just seemed like
you were into something, so...

It's difficult for me to be selfish
or possessive, because...

Well, you're co-parents.
You have a little boy together.

Yeah.

Is that what you two were
talking about? Parenting?

Sort of. She wants
to be a family again.

In part, for the sake of Sam.

In part.

Well, there is
a little kid to think of.

What did you say?

I agreed.

If there's any way we could
work it out, we should.

But...

...I didn't think there was
any way, since...

...I was so totally in love
with somebody else.

She's probably
on her way to the airport.

I'm still capable of making mistakes,
but leaving you isn't one of them.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.
Let's go downstairs.

You promised I wouldn't be alone for
Christmas. You'd better make good.

JUDGE:
This is a tough one.

Mr. Porter is obviously ill.

To let a man with a mental disorder
teach 2nd graders?

Clearly the benefit of the doubt
goes to the children.

But I am also mindful...

...we have a shortage of teachers
today. Especially the magical kind.

Since there's a teacher's
aide in the room also...

...and since he's done
nothing wrong thus far...

...I see no basis for terminating
a teacher because he's Santa Claus.

Petitioner's TRO is granted.
We're adjourned.

- I don't believe it.
- Neither do I.

- I can teach?
- You can teach, Daddy!

Wow.

Wow! I thank you both so much!

Dad.

Daddy, how about I walk you home?

- To Wellesley?
- No, to my place.

Spend the night. You haven't
seen my apartment, have you?

Well, you don't have a chimney.

Let's go.

Thank you...

...for your incredible heart.

Thank you.

Hey.

Let him see yours now.

Yeah.

Maybe it's much too early in the game

Oh, but I thought I'd ask you
Just the same

What are you doing New Year's

New Year's Eve?

I see what you mean.
Holidays are stressful.

Why? Anything happen?

Funny.

What?

Nothing.

- Merry Christmas.
- Yeah.